Nicole [00:00:00]: Withholding the truth from your partner is selfish. When you have done something like that, like cheated, you're hiding this for your own gain.

John [00:00:08]: Most people will think that it's not selfish because they're not hurting that person.

Nicole [00:00:13]: I don't believe that you will eventually hurt them.

John [00:00:16]: Your premise is that eventually the truth is going to come out, and when it does, it's going to hurt them way worse. If you knew for sure that it was never going to come out, then that argument could be made.

Nicole [00:00:26]: But how do you even know for sure? Like, if you cheated, there's another person involved.

John [00:00:30]: Exactly. Beyond the perfect we discover through our flaws we complete each other. Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:00:56]: Good job.

John [00:00:57]: I've only done it 160 times or whatever. So what are we talking about today? Oh, it is confessing before marriage. That's a good one. So the scenario is, I think this is based on a true story. I mean, we know some true stories, but you're getting married, right? Before you get married, you had some bouts of infidelity, something that you did bad. I mean, a lot of times this happens on the bachelor party, bachelorette party, but it could be something else, and you want to clear the air before the marriage so that it's all out in front. Good or bad idea?

Nicole [00:01:46]: Good idea.

John [00:01:47]: Okay.

Nicole [00:01:49]: Because how can you. Which. And I think this is why people, like, debate this, slash, do it. How can you move forward to get married with someone, to legally bind yourself to someone when you have some secret like that that would eat you alive? Whether you think that you could take it to your grave, I highly doubt you can, because eventually it's going to come up and then you're going to risk, like, someone divorcing you.

John [00:02:27]: Right, right, right. True. Well, but I guess part of it is the timing of it, right? So it's like if the scenario where the wedding has already been, invitations have been sent out, it's been scheduled, like, caterer has been paid for, no refundable deposit has been paid. And then you now are telling this person.

Nicole [00:02:54]: If that's the case, I'd be like, you owe me my half of the deposit and you're gonna tell everybody why we're postponing the thing.

John [00:03:06]: Yeah, well, I mean, it depends on the level, I guess, too. Right. It's like, you know, like this scenario

Nicole [00:03:11]: we're talking about Cheating?

John [00:03:13]: Yeah. Well, one the scenario was this guy, they were on a break before they're at some period in their relationship and during the break they had agreed that no seeing other people. But then he was on dating apps hooking up with.

Nicole [00:03:31]: Yeah, that's still a lie.

John [00:03:32]: It's a lie. It's not of the same severity, but that's something that could be probably worked through, I would think. I don't know.

Nicole [00:03:40]: It is.

John [00:03:41]: Right.

Nicole [00:03:41]: Like potentially more work throughable. But then at that point it becomes even less about what you did and more about that you hid this until now, until we paid deposits, until we sent invitations out. You proposed to me and you didn't tell me.

John [00:04:02]: Right.

Nicole [00:04:03]: Because honestly, if this happened before you proposed, you should have done it before you proposed. You should have said something before you proposed. Because otherwise I don't really have a lot of empathy, if I'm being honest, for anyone, man or woman, that waits to tell a lie or a secret that they know is going to affect their relationship and the other person until the opportune time.

John [00:04:34]: True. Yeah. That's the thing about.

Nicole [00:04:36]: Because you're trying to protect yourself. You're trying to get what you want and you take that away from the other person. You take their choice away and that other person would want to be with you, but you're trying to cover up what you did in order to make them still want to be with you and, like, put them in a position where it's harder for them to like make a honest decision. That's what I'm saying. Like, if they were on a break.

John [00:05:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:08]: Honestly, the second they got back together, he should have been like, oh, well, you know, I know we said we weren't going to hook up with other people, but I did. But people don't typically say these things because they don't want to break up the relationship. But at the same time it's like, but what you did could break up the relationship. You know what I mean?

John [00:05:31]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:05:31]: That's where it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I get the perspective of why it happens because again, it's like the person doesn't want to lose what they've realized that they actually want.

John [00:05:44]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:46]: But they also, I guess don't realize that they're kind of like shitting on the person they supposedly care so much about by taking away their ability to make a decision.

John [00:05:57]: Yeah, I agree with that.

Nicole [00:05:58]: On their life as well too.

John [00:06:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:00]: So, yeah, if it's like, if he's like, oh, well, we've Already sent out the invitations and paid the deposit. Sorry.

John [00:06:08]: Yeah, that's not a good excuse.

Nicole [00:06:10]: That's on you.

John [00:06:11]: It's just. Yeah, it's the, like waiting for that timing is not a good idea. It's better to just bring it out in the front as soon as possible. But if you haven't done that, then you should definitely do it before you get married versus after.

Nicole [00:06:26]: Like talk about it, about what you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John [00:06:30]: Because the other alternative is doing it later after you get married.

Nicole [00:06:33]: Right, right.

John [00:06:34]: Which is worse.

Nicole [00:06:35]: Right?

John [00:06:36]: Like, the longer is the worser.

Nicole [00:06:38]: Right? Exactly. Like if you didn't, if you got engaged and you didn't tell her.

John [00:06:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:43]: That's not good. But you definitely need to tell her before the you guys actually get married, regardless of what you've already planned or whatever, that's your own fault for not doing it earlier when you had a better situation.

John [00:06:55]: Yeah, yeah. But yeah. And I think that this is also why, like, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties are a bad idea.

Nicole [00:07:04]: I mean, yeah, as a woman, I haven't been to any where things like that were happening, but I know that you have stories of things that happen. But I agree. And I've heard of guys going on bachelor trips and all of them, including the groom, is trying to find someone and they're on dating apps and whatever city that they're in. So, like, it's just not like a good way to like go into a lifelong commitment, in my opinion. Like, to pretend you're single again. No, if you need to pretend you're single again, then that's, that's something you need to like, think about in yourself. And maybe you shouldn't be getting married.

John [00:07:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:52]: Because you should have like got that all out of your system and then be happy that you ended up with.

John [00:07:59]: I look at it as kind of like, you know, like you're going to rehab. Are you going to AA to kick your alcoholism or your drug addiction? And you're like, well, let's one bend, let's go for a bender, because.

Nicole [00:08:15]: Right. Monday last time.

John [00:08:17]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:08:18]: I'm gonna commit to never do it again.

John [00:08:20]: Right. But first I'm gonna go on to bender.

Nicole [00:08:23]: But let's go to the bar.

John [00:08:24]: Right?

Nicole [00:08:24]: We probably won't drink, but let's go to the bar.

John [00:08:28]: Yeah. Or we're gonna drink and we're gonna get shit faced. And then come Monday, it'll never happen again. See, I think that's a bad idea.

Nicole [00:08:37]: I think women genuinely don't plan to hook up with people on bachelorette parties, whereas Men do.

John [00:08:43]: Look, look. Yes, yes, that's true. But when women go out, they don't plan to hook up with guys. It just happens. And men plan to hook up with women, and it doesn't happen. Right. So.

Nicole [00:08:56]: So both are bad.

John [00:08:58]: Yeah. So it's like. So that's why. It's like, when women are like, oh, yeah, well, it doesn't matter. We're going to the club, but we're not. We're just trying to dance. We're not trying to hook up with guys. But when you go to the club, you're trying to get laid. It's like, yeah, that might be true. However, it still happens.

Nicole [00:09:15]: Not happening.

John [00:09:15]: You didn't plan it, but it happens. Not every time, but you're putting yourself in the circumstance and the situation, and then it happens. And then you're like, oh, well, I didn't plan it, or it doesn't matter. Like, you still did it. Right. So that's why. Same thing with bachelorette parties. Even though women say, oh, bachelor parties are bad because guys. Okay, sure, I get it. And yeah, guys are trying to get laid on the bachelor party. Yeah, that's probably true. However, when bachelorette parties, it's like, yeah, but it still happens.

Nicole [00:09:43]: Right. It's bad to plan to, and it's bad to do it. They're both bad.

John [00:09:47]: Yeah, but it's just bad to put yourself in compromising situations. Right, Right. Like, you should not put yourself in a situation. It's like, I always like to say, you know, if you are a vegan, then what are you doing hanging around the sausage factory? Right. I'm not going to eat any of the meat. Yeah, but then why go hang around a garden or something. But you're hanging around the sausage factory and you're like, I don't eat meat. Yeah, but some meat might slip in your mouth, so the sausage might get in there.

Nicole [00:10:20]: I don't know about that, but I understand what you're trying to say, and I agree with you. I don't think it's a good idea. Cause obviously, like, this guy, he can't even. They can't even go on a break and be like, we're not gonna hook up with other people without him doing it anyway.

John [00:10:34]: Right? Yeah. Which, I mean, if you go on a break, you're done. There's no.

Nicole [00:10:39]: We've had breaks.

John [00:10:41]: We've broken up. We've broken up. But not. We're never like, okay, let's put our relationship on a break.

Nicole [00:10:47]: True.

John [00:10:48]: Yeah. So.

Nicole [00:10:49]: But still. Yeah, but, yeah, so, I mean, Cause the thing is, like I said, at this point, okay, they were on a break. Let's go back to that.

John [00:10:59]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:11:00]: But at this point, you lied for a certain amount of time, and you did break the agreement that you guys had, even on a break. And sure. I'm sure he's probably like, well, we were on a break. It's done. Even if we said we were not gonna hook up with people, we were on a break. Like, men are gonna use. The thing that women need to know is men will use whatever grain of salt they can to justify their behavior.

John [00:11:26]: So I think it depends on who created the break first.

Nicole [00:11:29]: But I think if you are on a break and you guys both agree.

John [00:11:34]: Yeah, if you agreed, okay, yeah, that's true.

Nicole [00:11:36]: That you're not gonna hook up with other people and someone does.

John [00:11:40]: Yeah. Then that's a problem.

Nicole [00:11:41]: That's the same sort of betrayal.

John [00:11:43]: Yeah, I agree. I agree.

Nicole [00:11:44]: Because I'd also. I agree with you that if you go on a break, you. You're probably done anyway because it doesn't make a lot of sense. I agree with that. But if you go on a break, but you're not gonna hook up with the people, that makes me feel like it's to somehow work on your relationship. It's not to act single again and try to find someone else.

John [00:12:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:04]: And

John [00:12:07]: newsflash. Going on a break is not a good way to work on your relationship.

Nicole [00:12:11]: No, I agree.

John [00:12:12]: Sitting down and talking and working through the things is a good way to work on your relationship.

Nicole [00:12:16]: Right. Well, obviously, he's not very good at that because he didn't tell her that on their break. He didn't uphold his end of the bargain.

John [00:12:27]: Let me see some of the questions I had here. Well, some of the background information, too, on from Gottman. A fair recovery requires accountability, transparency, remorse, and repeated trustworthy behavior. So we're talking about recovery, like, if

Nicole [00:12:43]: you're willing to fix the problem.

John [00:12:46]: Yeah. Esther Perel, TED Talk, says affairs are betrayal, but can also reveal identity crisises, unmet needs, and the stories people tell themselves. But here's some of the questions. Right. Is confessing right before the wedding loving or selfish?

Nicole [00:13:07]: Loving.

John [00:13:10]: Yeah, I think so.

Nicole [00:13:12]: And people are probably like, what? But it's selfish to hide it until he gets what he wants, which is getting married.

John [00:13:21]: Yeah. I think some people would argue on the selfish side by saying that, like, the reason why you're doing the confession is because you want to get it off your chest so you can feel better, but you're going to ruin someone else's. Life where you could have just kept your mouth shut and didn't say anything. I get it, but I get what you're saying, but I'm just saying that's the argument of why people would say it's selfish.

Nicole [00:13:45]: But I think that's horrible because you would actually ruin my life if I invited all my friends and family to say vows to someone who I thought was a certain way for them to tell me later on so something after they got what they wanted. You know what I mean? Like, without me knowing, like without me having the decision, without me, like, being able to make my own choice.

John [00:14:12]: Yeah, I agree. So, I mean, it is. It is loving. Should the default after engagement cheating be postponed?

Nicole [00:14:22]: Yeah. Like, so the default should be postponing the engagement after cheating? Is that what it says?

John [00:14:30]: Should the default after engagement cheating be postponement. Be postponement. So should the default after engagement cheating be postponement? So after you get engaged, someone cheat, does that mean you postpone the wedding? That's not the default.

Nicole [00:14:46]: I would.

John [00:14:47]: Yeah, I think.

Nicole [00:14:48]: I mean, I think I'd cancel the wedding personally, but if you want to work through it and it's work throughable, then, yeah, I think you should postpone the wedding.

John [00:14:56]: Is hiding betrayal before marriage? Taking away informed consent?

Nicole [00:15:01]: A thousand percent. A thousand percent. And like, I couldn't even imagine this scenario, but I have been in this position with you and me, like, when we had already fallen in love and then you told me. Oh, yeah, yeah, like, that you were still married and you had a kid and you had a vasectomy and all these things. Like. No, but like, I'm just bringing that up.

John [00:15:27]: No, I know. Yeah.

Nicole [00:15:28]: In a way, I did feel that way. I felt like my decision was. Could not fully be my own decision because my emotions were already so tied to you.

John [00:15:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:15:43]: That I knew I wanted to be with you. And then it's confusing because it's like, oh, well, you lied about these things.

John [00:15:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:51]: Like, do I trust you even though you lied? You know, it's very, like, complicated. And especially if it had gotten to, like a further down the line level.

John [00:16:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:16:03]: Like, if I found some things out about other things before we got engaged, but if I didn't find out about those things when we were engaged or when we were married, I'm not saying it would break up our marriage, but it would be very, very hard.

John [00:16:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:16:24]: And I mean, like, if I was upset enough, it was bad enough it could break up our marriage. You know what I mean? And then, then you feel like you didn't get to make a full decision on your own, or like you didn't get the full picture. Like, it was withheld from you, from the person that you, like, thought was open and honest with you. And like, it's same vice versa. I would understand if you, if I did the same thing to you, you would feel the same way.

John [00:16:53]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:16:54]: So I do definitely think it takes away, like, your feeling. What is how they phrase that?

John [00:17:02]: They said there's informed consent. Does it take away informed consent? Hiding, betrayal before marriage. Taking away informed consent.

Nicole [00:17:08]: Right. Yeah. You don't feel like you have the full picture for sure.

John [00:17:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:17:11]: And like, that also makes you feel a certain type of way. And then you almost feel pressured. Like, now I have to make this choice, like this scenario, like, am I gonna postpone the wedding? Are we still going through with it?

John [00:17:28]: It's like getting a job and saying you have a college degree and then, you know, lying about it. And then you get the job and

Nicole [00:17:36]: you have a GED and you don't

John [00:17:37]: have the college degree. Okay, maybe you're doing the job and it's good. But they didn't really get to make the real hiring decision that they would have probably made.

Nicole [00:17:46]: I think it's a little bit different than that, especially when there's cheating involved. But I get what you're trying to say here.

John [00:17:53]: Yeah. What matters more, the act, the lying, or the repair?

Nicole [00:17:59]: What matters more?

John [00:18:00]: Yeah, the act, the lying, or the repair?

Nicole [00:18:08]: I would say the lying.

John [00:18:12]: The lying. Above the act.

Nicole [00:18:14]: Above the act.

John [00:18:15]: Okay.

Nicole [00:18:16]: Yeah, because that's worse. Because if you're up front with it, I feel like it's more respectable, right?

John [00:18:25]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:25]: Like, it's not good. Obviously cheating is not good. It's not a good act. But cheating is lying.

John [00:18:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:33]: It's going behind somebody's back and being intimate with someone else that's not their partner. That's a form of lying as well, right? Yeah, in my mind.

John [00:18:44]: Yeah, if you're hiding it.

Nicole [00:18:45]: But I think that even if you lie about something, that's maybe not cheating, but you know, it's important to your partner, like breaking that trust. It's the trust. Cause also too, if you can't trust your partner, they can't repair.

John [00:19:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:01]: Not really. You know what I mean? Like, if that you find out all this stuff about your partner and maybe you realize that they weren't really trustworthy from the beginning. I don't think you can repair that. You know what I mean? Like, if you realize that you didn't really Fully trust them. Now, if they lied and you feel like you can work through it and there can be repair, because you do trust this person and you understand whatever the circumstances is and you still want to be with them, then that's good. But I feel like the lying, to me, in my opinion, is most important because, like, were these lies that happened? Because like you said in the previous episode, like, everyone has lied. Everyone has done something that they're not proud of.

John [00:19:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:53]: But it's like, is this who you are? Like, are you untrustworthy? Or did you make some pretty dumb mistakes? But I believe you're never going to make them again, Right?

John [00:20:04]: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's true. I agree. I would agree with that. Because that's the more important thing to know.

Nicole [00:20:10]: Because how can you move forward if you feel like your partner's just going to keep things from you again?

John [00:20:16]: Yeah. The person that tells the truth about something is more likely to not do the same thing again.

Nicole [00:20:23]: Right.

John [00:20:23]: Right. Someone who lies, they can just keep on doing it.

Nicole [00:20:27]: Right. Because it's like the shame and the guilt. Because that's why the act. If someone does something bad, but they own up to it right away. They're not carrying that shame and guilt as someone that's hiding it for a long time. You know what I mean? That's gonna hit you. And then also, too, that could keep you in the same spiral because you're feeling shameful and guilty. You could do more shameful and guilty things, and then, you know, nothing ever really gets fixed.

John [00:20:57]: Add to the tab, right? Yeah. The tabs already open. So, yeah, here's a good one. If friends and family know, or friends or family know, who has the duty to tell the betrayed partner?

Nicole [00:21:10]: I've always told people that I know this roughly. Like, it might not be the exact same thing every time, but let's say that I found out one of our friends was being cheated on or something. I would go to the person that cheated and I'd be like, look, you have, if I'm being generous, a week.

John [00:21:32]: Yeah, a week.

Nicole [00:21:34]: If I'm being generous. I said, if I'm being generous.

John [00:21:37]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:38]: But I would give them a certain timeline. I'd be like, you have until this time to tell them yourself.

John [00:21:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:43]: Or go to Mexico if you don't. I will be telling them.

John [00:21:49]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:51]: I think that's pretty fair.

John [00:21:52]: Yeah, that's fair. That's what I would do.

Nicole [00:21:54]: And it probably wouldn't be a week. You're right. Because there's no way I could wait A week, it would probably be 24 hours. But that way I'm like, look, I'm also encouraging the person, you need to do this. You need to own up to this. And then if they don't, then I'm

John [00:22:10]: gonna tell the person otherwise, then you become the guilty party as well. Right. Because if it's a friend of yours or family member. Right. If you're a family member, like, now

Nicole [00:22:20]: you're guilty, you're in on it. Yeah. You're hiding.

John [00:22:23]: Cause you can't be trusted. Right. I mean, that's the thing is right

Nicole [00:22:27]: now you can't be trusted if you're hiding this from your person. And everyone needs to realize, would you want especially someone in your family or your friends to also hide the stuff from you? Could you imagine if your partner, the person you're planning to marry, is hiding this from you?

John [00:22:45]: Right?

Nicole [00:22:45]: And then you find out, like, your family or your close friends knew too, and they also hid it from you. You'd feel like you had nobody that was really on your side that really was like, looking out for you. And look, some people, like, they don't wanna know. Like you said earlier in the last episode about you didn't wanna know if your girlfriend would kiss someone else. Like, at the time, I would wanna know. I'm not gonna hire somebody to know, but I would wanna know. Even if it's bad, I wanna know.

John [00:23:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:23:16]: So even if someone else doesn't wanna know, I would still do the right thing. And like I said, be like, okay, you have this amount of time, or I'm gonna tell them. And if I had to tell them, I would tell them. Even if they, like, wanted to live in the delusion or like, no, that didn't happen or whatever, that's on them. But I told you because this actually kind of happened when I was with my ex boyfriend that I was with in college and he cheated on me with my best friend. She was dating someone of like three years.

John [00:23:51]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:23:52]: And so I messaged him and I was like, hey, just letting you know. Like, I saw them two together and I am not doing that. I'm breaking up with him.

John [00:24:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:03]: And her boyfriend was just like, no, I believe her. I'm like, look, okay, like, I'm not going to convince you. I'm giving you the information.

John [00:24:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:14]: I'm letting you know what I'm saying.

John [00:24:15]: I wonder what he thinks now that they're married.

Nicole [00:24:18]: He's probably kicking himself now. But that's what I'm saying is, like, I am going to Let the person know. Yeah, Like, I'm not. Cause I wouldn't want people to not tell me.

John [00:24:33]: Yeah, for sure. I think you have to. I mean, otherwise you're like, you can't. If you don't do that and then they do get married and you haven't told, then now you're. When it comes out, if it does come out now, you're now going to.

Nicole [00:24:47]: Also on the chopping block.

John [00:24:48]: Yeah, you're going to be on the chopping block for sure. Even if they. And they can. They can reconcile. Right. So this is the situation that that happens is that it comes out. Let's say it happened at some whatever. Bachelorette party. Bachelor party, something like that. It comes out and now they have a problem. But then they work it out. Right. And now you're gone. Because now you can't be friends. Now you're gonna be trusted to be friends of that person.

Nicole [00:25:17]: Right.

John [00:25:18]: Because you.

Nicole [00:25:19]: You were in on it.

John [00:25:20]: You were in on it. Exactly.

Nicole [00:25:21]: Even if you were just a bystander, you were in on it. You didn't stop it. You didn't call the spouse or the partner. You didn't do anything.

John [00:25:31]: Yeah. Think about it. Like, if you cheat, whatever. You cheat on bachelorette party or whatever, and then you had a friend that was with you and that person knew that you did it, and they didn't tell me. And then we get married and then. And then we worked it out or whatever, you're like, oh, that was a stupid mistake. Whatever. And for some, however we worked it out, I don't ever want you hanging out with that friend again. That's the very first thing I'm. That's the first condition I would say. And you know, if I was even, it would be like, you're not talking about that person ever again.

Nicole [00:26:00]: Yeah. That's why you're not allowed to go to Vegas with someone we know by yourself, because you two were doing some things there. It's not the exact same. But.

John [00:26:10]: No, it's not. But.

Nicole [00:26:11]: But no, it's true. And I don't blame people for feeling that way. It's like. Because you don't know. And honestly, in my opinion, again, if I'm in a situation and I'm, you know, even if it's not a bachelor bachelorette party or whatever, I go to, like, a friend's house, like, and hang out or whatever, or. And someone's like, yeah, I cheated on my boyfriend. Even if they're my best friend, I'm gonna be like, you have to tell them.

John [00:26:40]: Right. Yeah. Cause you just put me in a situation now where I know this information,

Nicole [00:26:43]: but not even that. It's like you do the right thing,

John [00:26:47]: which is good to give them that advice. But they've also put you in this situation now where they don't want to

Nicole [00:26:54]: do that because I'll give you 24 hours or I'm delivering.

John [00:26:57]: But now you have to. Now you have to.

Nicole [00:27:00]: Right.

John [00:27:01]: Otherwise you're going to be grouped into the. Yeah, exactly. Now you're guilty by association at that point. Because they can. It's just like I've had situations where I've had friends of mine and I'm like, I hope you don't tell me. I don't want. I haven't had to. I can't tell them those words. But in my mind, my head, I'm thinking, I hope you don't confess some shit to me because I'm going to have to like. Like you're going to put me in a bind where I'm going to have to let the person. No. Because I can't be the one that's gonna hold on to that secret.

Nicole [00:27:35]: Right.

John [00:27:36]: You know, so.

Nicole [00:27:37]: And it's not good for anyone. It's not good for anyone. Like, it does not make you feel good at all holding your own secrets or other people's secrets.

John [00:27:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:47]: It just causes even. That's the thing, I guess, that drives me the craziest is that now he's caused even more problems, this guy. He didn't tell her when they got back together. He didn't tell her before they got engaged. He told her right before the wedding. You've created a hundred times more problems for yourself because you decided to wait because you didn't want to do it right away, you didn't want to tell.

John [00:28:17]: But what if you're in that situation at that point, right? And you've already fucked up. You already did the thing. You didn't say you got engaged, you didn't say. And now you're deciding before the wedding should you say. And ruin the wedding or not say, what if you're in that situation because you've already done the fucked up stuff, right? You know, I'm saying you've already messed

Nicole [00:28:38]: up because that's still the right thing to do even though you let it get 10 million times worse.

John [00:28:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:43]: And you are going to blow up the wedding.

John [00:28:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:47]: Take accountability.

John [00:28:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:48]: That's the thing is like you can't.

John [00:28:50]: And you can work it out and postpone it if you need to.

Nicole [00:28:52]: Right.

John [00:28:53]: Like that's more Respectful than doing it under false pretense.

Nicole [00:28:58]: Like.

John [00:28:58]: Right. Like, I can see the argument of why you would think it's good to do it, to, like, wait, but it's better to just. Even. You have to delay the wedding or whatever.

Nicole [00:29:11]: Right.

John [00:29:12]: Then, you know, it's better to break up as a fiance than divorce as a couple. Right. It's better to, like, delay the wedding and work things out than to go through at the wedding and then have it and then you have to do the wedding again anyway, because it didn't feel like a real wedding or something. You know, like that type of situation.

Nicole [00:29:30]: I mean, my. Maybe I'm the minority, but I would like to think that I'm not. Is. I think that we're all human. We're all gonna mess up.

John [00:29:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:44]: And so I have way more respect for a couple that is like, hey, you know, we're going through some stuff. We need to postpone the wedding no matter what it is, and they get better. I don't want them to fake it in order to just be on track. Like, I get that they have money on the line. Maybe they can't afford to postpone it.

John [00:30:12]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:13]: But honestly, I would rather, like, have the couple in a good place, in a solid place and go to their wedding than go to a wedding where, like, you can feel that something is off because you're gonna be able to

John [00:30:30]: waste your time and, like, what was the point of even going to the thing when it's not real?

Nicole [00:30:36]: I mean, like, when you don't know, you don't know. But then when it comes out, I feel like maybe even other people are probably like, why didn't you just, like, tell us? You know? Cause, like, with your wedding, like, people care about you. Like, yeah. They're gonna understand. They should understand if you have to be like, hey, like, we're really going through a hard time. We need to postpone the wedding. All your family and friends that you invited should understand.

John [00:31:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:03]: They should not make you feel bad. Now, your parents or whatever that paid some of the deposits might be pissed off, but at the same time, they're your family, so they should also want the best for you, not make you force you to go through with a wedding just because they paid the deposits. When you're not. Your relationship's not in a good place. You should want your relationship to be in a good place. Like, yes, it throws a wrench in things. Yes, it makes things more complicated and messy in the moment. But I just can't think of a circumstance where if you and I were rocky, where we would just, like, smile and fake it or, like, you know, if we were going through what this person's going through, I would not want to personally go through with the wedding.

John [00:31:50]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:51]: If we were gonna work through it, I would wanna postpone it. Like, I don't want my wedding day to be. Feel not real, not genuine. Not like we're in a good place

John [00:32:04]: later on when you. Well, I mean, yeah, like, I guess when you. If you. If you didn't find out and then you found out then.

Nicole [00:32:10]: Right.

John [00:32:11]: You would retroactively feel that way.

Nicole [00:32:13]: But here's my thing, too, is, like, for you, like, let's say the same situation, but they go through with the wedding and it's me and you.

John [00:32:21]: Right.

Nicole [00:32:23]: Sure. I don't know any different. So I'm, like, still happy and having a great day. But you would know. And I also, like, even though you messed up and you caused these problems, I would want. I still want you to have a good wedding day. Like, I want it to be both of us rooted in a good relationship.

John [00:32:45]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:32:46]: Like, it doesn't have to be perfect. You guys can still be working on healing things and working through things and whatever, but I'd rather it come from that place than like, now I have to look back and be like, were you stressed out? Like, were you not fully present because you had the secret? Like, you know what I mean?

John [00:33:07]: Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

Nicole [00:33:08]: And that's like, hindsight, because you don't know. But I would just think that most people would want to know the truth, even if it hurts and even if they have to do hard things like postpone their wedding or whatever. I think that it's the best thing to do, the right thing to do, and will actually make everyone in the situation happier. The person that's been hiding the secret, they won't have to carry that anymore. They can process those things. They can deal with the consequences of their actions. And then the person that these things happen to gets to make decisions rather than be kind of blindsided and then went along with decisions that didn't match up with what the thing was that was being hidden, if that makes sense.

John [00:33:59]: Yeah. No, I agree.

Nicole [00:34:00]: I agree that was kind of long. But. But it's a nuanced thing. But I just think that a lot of people try to hide bad things because they're scared of what's going to happen, and then they make things a million times worse.

John [00:34:15]: Yeah. Because it's usually better the faster that it comes out.

Nicole [00:34:18]: Right.

John [00:34:19]: It's like if you do something and then confess to it immediately.

Nicole [00:34:22]: Right.

John [00:34:22]: It's better than waiting. Than waiting.

Nicole [00:34:25]: Because now you're a liar. Even if you lied about something and that's what you have to say to somebody. If you wait even longer now you're even more dangerous liar. If that makes sense. Because now you can hide this for this long. Now you can like propose to me and not tell me like what you've done. You know what I mean? Like it makes it worse, like you said. For sure.

John [00:34:50]: Yeah. It feels like the harder thing to do.

Nicole [00:34:53]: Right. To do it in the moment. Right, right. Yeah.

John [00:34:56]: But it's actually, it's the easiest time that it'll ever be.

Nicole [00:34:59]: Yes.

John [00:35:00]: Right. So.

Nicole [00:35:01]: Right. So don't lie, don't hide the stuff.

John [00:35:04]: Yeah. Even there's like people like that, you know, there's. I've seen these court cases where there's this 80 year old woman, then they put her in jail because she did a crime, she murdered someone like 30 years ago or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, and then they finally, you know, and then it's like, oh God, after 30 years. Right. You know, you thought you're. That this was in the past, but then it comes to catch up with you.

Nicole [00:35:34]: You can't hide things forever. I don't get why people think that they can. You can't hide things forever.

John [00:35:40]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:35:41]: So just be open and honest. It's hard. Like you said, it is hard. I think it's hard when it first happens because you're so afraid. Like you're so like, oh my God, I messed this up. And then if you wait long enough, you're like, okay, well this isn't that bad. I'll just keep it a secret. Like I'll deal with carrying this guilt and shame. Cause I can carry it. And then they won't be hurt. You know what I mean?

John [00:36:08]: Yeah. I think that's the way that people think about it for sure.

Nicole [00:36:11]: But it hurts people even more. And then also you're carrying it.

John [00:36:15]: Yeah, you're carrying it exactly.

Nicole [00:36:17]: And you're gonna get messed up from that no matter what.

John [00:36:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:21]: And they're gonna be hurt even more than what you tried to initially protect them from.

John [00:36:26]: That's. I think that's true. I think that's the thing about it

Nicole [00:36:29]: is it's because, like, I can understand. But when you look at it like realistically, like you said right after it happened, it's the best time to say it because it's going to get a lot worse if you don't yeah. Just guaranteed.

John [00:36:47]: Yeah. Yeah. I think some people get into the mindset, though, of it's like, okay, if you miss the window early on, then

Nicole [00:36:55]: you can't do it.

John [00:36:56]: Yeah. Because then it's going to be worse. So now the consequence of. Of not doing it at all versus doing it later on. You see, what I'm saying is they're weighing those two consequences. I think that's where. Where the trap is.

Nicole [00:37:11]: But I don't think people realize what holding on to a secret like that or something like that does to them.

John [00:37:17]: Yeah. Like, I think that's the.

Nicole [00:37:19]: You will eventually crack. If you're like, marriage is built on like a foundation that, yes, is good, but is missing some bricks that are pretty important.

John [00:37:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:34]: It's going to. Eventually. Something's going to eventually happen. Like when you have a betrayal like that.

John [00:37:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:42]: It's gonna come out eventually. One way or another, something is gonna happen.

John [00:37:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:46]: And I get that you're like, oh, I can't now. Cause you know, we're about to. I'm gonna propose to her. Oh, I can't now because we already sent out the invitations. But then you're just pushing it to now you might have a mental breakdown when you guys have five kids.

John [00:38:03]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:38:04]: And lose your mind. And then now you're screwing them over 10 million times more.

John [00:38:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:12]: And more people than if you had just told them in the beginning.

John [00:38:16]: Yeah, I agree. That makes sense.

Nicole [00:38:19]: So the one question where you asked if it was loving or selfish. Now withholding the truth from your partner is selfish. Like when you have done something like that, like cheated or whatever. That's. That's definitely selfish. Cause again, it's like you're hiding this for your own gain because you don't want to mess up the relationship. You don't want to lose the person. So it is a selfish thing.

John [00:38:44]: Well, some people will think that it's. It's. It's not selfish because they're not hurting that person.

Nicole [00:38:50]: But you are.

John [00:38:51]: What they know doesn't hurt them.

Nicole [00:38:52]: But see, that's not. I don't believe that.

John [00:38:55]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:56]: Because you will eventually hurt them. There's no way that you don't eventually hurt them.

John [00:39:01]: I see. Because you're saying your premise is that eventually the truth is going to come out, and when it does, it's going to hurt them way worse, whereas they're saying, no, the truth is never going to come out. But in reality, the chance of the truth coming out is very, very high. Most people are not going to take the thing to their Grave. Something's going to happen. The truth is going to come out.

Nicole [00:39:23]: Exactly.

John [00:39:24]: If you knew for sure that it was never going to come out, then that would be different. Then that argument could be.

Nicole [00:39:32]: But how do you even know for sure? Like, if you cheated, there's another person involved.

John [00:39:36]: Exactly. Yeah. Unless you kill that person, then you

Nicole [00:39:40]: have to hope that you don't find out that you murdered someone. So again.

John [00:39:45]: And then all the witnesses, it's just.

Nicole [00:39:47]: It's not.

John [00:39:48]: It becomes. Then you have to kill all these different people. Yeah. It becomes.

Nicole [00:39:52]: A lot of you go to jail at 80 because you thought you were going to get away with it.

John [00:39:57]: I've been in the web, the tangled web of the lies and the cheating before.

Nicole [00:40:03]: Yeah.

John [00:40:03]: And it does become.

Nicole [00:40:04]: Doesn't it feel better to not have to carry things that you don't want to get out?

John [00:40:10]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:40:12]: It's just a lot more freeing. You can't really be free unless you live this way. And if you can't tell the person you're with the truth, who can you tell the truth?

John [00:40:24]: No one. No one shall ever know.

Nicole [00:40:27]: But that's why it's not loving to protect somebody by keeping secrets. It's selfish. It's selfish because it's gonna hurt. The thing is, it's never loving because if it was loving, you wouldn't have done the thing that you're trying to hide.

John [00:40:43]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But after the fact, I think that's like.

Nicole [00:40:46]: No, there is no after the fact.

John [00:40:47]: Yeah, but like, you can say that the thing that you. That you did that wasn't loving, you know, wasn't loving. Which I agree. But then now you have to decide, like, what you're going to do.

Nicole [00:40:59]: What's loving is being honest with somebody and giving them the opportunity to make their own decision.

John [00:41:04]: I agree.

Nicole [00:41:04]: Not. Not hiding it from them.

John [00:41:06]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't say that. Like, the. The thing that they did, like, yes, that was unloving.

Nicole [00:41:12]: That's unloving.

John [00:41:13]: But, like, you can't say, okay, so that the whole thing is unloving.

Nicole [00:41:16]: I think it is.

John [00:41:17]: Well, I mean, like, telling them is the loving thing to do, is what you're saying.

Nicole [00:41:21]: I mean.

John [00:41:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:22]: No. I mean, yes, but no, I meant what I said before is that in no way is it loving to betray somebody in that way.

John [00:41:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:32]: Like, it's not.

John [00:41:33]: I agree. I agree.

Nicole [00:41:35]: And the other episode and other episodes we've talked about that men can love their partner and still cheat.

John [00:41:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:44]: I would even say that they don't really love Their partner if they're cheating.

John [00:41:47]: Yeah. If I'm being honest, I think they can be happy in their relationship.

Nicole [00:41:52]: Right. I think they can have some sort of love but not be in love with someone. They can have like a love where

John [00:42:01]: like they love the person.

Nicole [00:42:03]: Right. Like who they are. Like you love your friends or their comfort. I love them. Yeah, exactly. You're not in love with somebody. You're not like fully invested and committed to that person. Right. Because when you are, they are you and you are them.

John [00:42:16]: Right. Yeah, that's true.

Nicole [00:42:17]: And so you can't do that to them. You know what I mean? And so that's why I do stand by what I said, that if you cheat on somebody or you betray them, it's not loving. And I'm not saying that. I think in that moment that they do something like that. People don't. They're not in love. I think people, if they work really hard at it, can move past those things and they can be in love. I'm not saying that they never can.

John [00:42:45]: No, I agree. Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:46]: But you know, that takes a lot of work too. But the thing is people should wanna do the right thing and that's tell people the truth and do the loving thing, which is tell them the truth because you already were unloving if you betrayed them.

John [00:43:01]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:02]: So don't make it even worse.

John [00:43:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:05]: By pushing it.

John [00:43:06]: And it does make it worse. And that's the thing, I think that's

Nicole [00:43:09]: makes it a million times because that's

John [00:43:10]: where I think people think that it doesn't. That, you know, if no one knows, then it's not gonna. Then it would be more hurtful to like to bring the truth out.

Nicole [00:43:22]: Right.

John [00:43:22]: When it doesn't need to be brought out.

Nicole [00:43:25]: But it does need to be.

John [00:43:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:27]: You know what I mean? Because it will come out and cause have this mis. Like construed notion that we're talking about more so than women. I think women, when they cheat and do stuff, they just don't care anymore. And they're kind of a little bit more malicious with it.

John [00:43:42]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:43:43]: Because they're kind of like, well, I don't love you. You know what I mean?

John [00:43:46]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [00:43:48]: So I do feel like this is more of like a man sort of dilemma.

John [00:43:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:53]: I think where they're like, oh, well, the loving thing is to protect them from what I've done. Well, but it's not.

John [00:43:58]: What about the scenario where the woman. I'm just yawning, good night. Where the woman. It must be the jet lag still. But where she. Let's say that the scenario with bachelorette party, right? She didn't intend to cheat. She didn't like. But she had too much to drink. She, like, whatever, something happened and she slept with this guy was a big mistake, right in it. Okay, sure, I got it. But then at that point, right. What now? Right? Like, you can't say that she doesn't love the guy necessarily, but she made a mistake.

Nicole [00:44:38]: Not in love.

John [00:44:40]: Okay, you don't think. You don't think if someone makes a mistake that.

Nicole [00:44:46]: I don't think you cheat and make a mistake. I don't think that's a mistake. I don't think even if you're. I think the only way it's a mistake is if you're incoherent and bad things happen to you. And that's a mistake of being in that situation. But even then, it's not their fault that that happened.

John [00:45:04]: It's still something that you chose to do, right?

Nicole [00:45:07]: I don't care how drunk someone is. I don't care if it's Leonardo DiCaprio. I don't care what the excuse is. Again, unless it's out of your control, you are knocked out. You are not aware that totally different

John [00:45:22]: you come up with. Then you're like, oh, shoot, I shouldn't have done that. I really do love this person and I never want to do that again. That was a mistake. I really. I realized. I realized now that I really do love. Okay, so. Yes.

Nicole [00:45:33]: Then tell them, right? That's the only way you can be with somebody. Like, if you do really, if you're like, oh, crap, like, you know, I wasn't thinking about them the way that I should have, and I really made a mistake. And I want to be with them, though. Like, that was something I'll never do again. Again. I'm not saying that people can't move on from these things, but not if. I mean, let me ask you, like, if you proposed to me. Let's say I was that girl, right? And you proposed to me.

John [00:46:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:04]: And I was like, hey, I need to tell you. Like, after we send out the invitations. And I was like, I hooked up with someone and a bachelorette party and I didn't want to tell you because I, like, I love you. It was just. I was drunk and it was dumb and I want to be with you. I don't want to be with anybody else.

John [00:46:28]: I would want to understand the circumstances, right?

Nicole [00:46:32]: But you wouldn't be upset that I met you after we got married for

John [00:46:36]: sure, of course I would be upset at that. But the thing that I would want to understand the most, which I think is what you're getting at, is what to get the information, to understand what the circumstances, which you can only get by telling the story, which, like, is this real? Like, is this really, like a mistake that was made that would never happen again? Like, what was the situation? Was this something where it was like, I wasn't happy with the relationship or like. Because those things I think do matter. Right?

Nicole [00:47:05]: Yeah, but I also think.

John [00:47:06]: But you have to have the. The knowledge. Right. Which involves telling the truth about it.

Nicole [00:47:11]: But at the same time, like, if you're not happy in the relationship, you have to talk about that. Because I also don't think. I know you brought up the Esther Perel thing. I think in the other episode.

John [00:47:24]: Oh, no, this one, I think.

Nicole [00:47:25]: Or was it this one?

John [00:47:25]: She said that unmet needs.

Nicole [00:47:28]: Cause people talk about that a lot.

John [00:47:29]: Betrayal, they can be betrayal, but they can also reveal identity crisis. Unmet needs. And the stories people tell themselves.

Nicole [00:47:35]: Because here's the thing is, like, okay, because you even said, were you unhappy in the relations or something? So like, similar to unmet needs or whatever.

John [00:47:42]: Right, Right.

Nicole [00:47:44]: You have to communicate these things. And even if you communicate them and your needs aren't being met and you're at a point where you want to cheat.

John [00:47:54]: Right.

Nicole [00:47:55]: You need to leave the person.

John [00:47:59]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:48:00]: Before cheating, like, that's still that person's responsibility. You know what I mean? Like, if my needs aren't being met and I tell you that and we have a conversation, well, I have to tell you that, like, that's my responsibility.

John [00:48:12]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:12]: And so even if they're still not being met how I would like. And it's enough of a problem where I can't live like this.

John [00:48:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:21]: And I'm. I personally would not be like, I'm gonna go out while in this relationship. But, you know, I have to say to you, hey, like, I understand that we've had these conversations and you've been trying, but I just can't live long term like this. And so, like, I think we need to go our separate ways. Like before just doing it.

John [00:48:47]: You know what I mean?

Nicole [00:48:48]: And it's different. I'm a woman. I'm not a man. A lot of unmet needs are sexual needs from men. And so that's why they do.

John [00:48:55]: Some of them are appreciation. Admiration.

Nicole [00:48:57]: I mean. Yeah, no, that's true.

John [00:48:58]: But I think the point that Esther Perel was trying to make there was that, like, when infidelity happens, it's not always, like, about the other person. Sometimes it's about an identity crisis that the person's having. Sometimes it's about unmet needs that they have that might not even be related to the other person. Or sometimes it might be about, like, a story they're telling themselves. Right. Something that is not related to the other person. So it doesn't make it right by any means, but that it's not a matter of, like, I don't love this person. But I can see the argument where it's like, okay, but it's an unloving thing. Like, you obviously don't love the person enough that, like, you're still putting some. Some amount of your needs above this other person. Right. Like, I think that's above.

Nicole [00:49:47]: Like, again, like, I can't see a scenario where I would do something to hurt you. Regardless if I was having an identity crisis, regardless of if you never told me you loved me again, I would not go behind your back and betray you. I would have a conversation. And if we had to go our separate ways, that's what would happen. Because, again, I don't think people realize that when you go behind someone's back, you have these secrets. You betray somebody, you're hurting yourself. And it's hard to confront somebody and be like, I don't wanna be with you anymore. Especially if that person loves you and you're not there anymore. I get that that's hard. But going and lying and betraying people and hiding things makes it worse for the person you supposedly love and yourself.

John [00:50:49]: Yeah, exactly. You know, I agree.

Nicole [00:50:50]: It makes it worse for everyone.

John [00:50:51]: Yeah. Believe me, I've been through that scenario, so. I know, but I'm just saying.

Nicole [00:50:55]: I'm trying to explain this because again, I think a lot of men think like you're saying, and they don't. They think that they're protecting the person. You know what I mean? But they're not like, they're not just, like, this situation. Like, when do I. When do I say what I did? You should have said it right after you did it. And honestly, you'll have the best response. And now you're hiding it because you don't want the consequences because you know they're getting worse and worse. And that's the thing is, like, that's selfish. It's selfish to keep pushing it because now the consequences are getting worse and worse when you should have just told the person, and now you have to try to hold it in forever. And that's not Gonna happen. Like, something is gonna happen. What's done in the dark comes to light eventually.

John [00:51:44]: Well, I'd say, yeah. I was thinking about, like, actually we know someone where this happened to where, you know, they became an adult or like, a long, like, way later in life, they found out they're adopted.

Nicole [00:51:56]: Yeah.

John [00:51:58]: It's a much bigger blow at 40 than it is at 10.

Nicole [00:52:04]: Right, right. And it probably made the person not want to communicate with their parents for a while. Be like, what the heck? You hid this from me for a long time.

John [00:52:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:52:19]: Trust me, I've heard that story more than once. The same thing happening.

John [00:52:23]: And it's hard because the consequences seem harder to the parent. Right. To further down the line, to be honest. But then it's.

Nicole [00:52:31]: Then it's even worse then you might lose relationship with your child because you hid something so important from them about themselves, and they didn't get to make the choice. They didn't get to have that autonomy.

John [00:52:44]: Right. In their life.

Nicole [00:52:46]: You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. And it's the same sort of thing.

John [00:52:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:52:50]: So.

John [00:52:51]: All right, well, I think that's. That's it. Let me see if there's anything else we had on the.

Nicole [00:52:56]: I think we covered it.

John [00:52:57]: I think we covered it pretty good. Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:01]: Hopefully it makes more sense, especially to men. Like I said, I feel like. Because they do think, like you're saying, like, I want to protect them, but.

John [00:53:07]: Because I've thought that way before. Right. It's like. But it's not the way.

Nicole [00:53:12]: Right. Because we've had similar conversations. I'm like, no, tell me the truth. Like, I am going to be less upset if you tell me the truth than if you hide something from me.

John [00:53:21]: And then also, I think the one last thing we didn't cover is if they find out themselves, it's always worse. Right. So it's like you're better off even if you've already sent out the invitations for you to tell them. Right. Because if they find out and you haven't told them, it's going to be a hundred times worse.

Nicole [00:53:42]: You know why?

John [00:53:44]: Because then they think that you would never have told them. Right.

Nicole [00:53:47]: And then they can't trust you. They really can't trust you. You're the one person they're supposed to trust. You're the one person that they're about to start their life with.

John [00:53:55]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:56]: And you can't even tell them the truth.

John [00:53:58]: Right. Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:00]: That's. That's just setting fire to your relationship.

John [00:54:04]: Yep. I agree.

Nicole [00:54:06]: So don't do it. Don't do any of the bad things.

John [00:54:10]: All right, that's it for. For this week. If you have a question for us, email us@betterthanperfectpodcastmail.com if you send us a confession, we will have to share it.

Nicole [00:54:22]: But we won't say your name.

John [00:54:24]: Yeah, no, but I'm saying we'll have to. We'll have to contact your wife and let her know, so. Your fiance.

Nicole [00:54:29]: Oh, yeah. If it's that, we will.

John [00:54:31]: We will. You will bind us to that obligation because we don't want to be excommunicated from your life.

Nicole [00:54:35]: We'll spill the beans here.

John [00:54:37]: We're your friends, so. And check out our website@betterthanperfectpod.com and we'll see you next week.