Nicole [00:00:00]: If you're upset with your partner, the best person to talk to is your partner. Even though you might not feel like you can, that is the best person to talk to. Not your mom or your sister or your friend. Because if you do talk to those people, you really have to think about what you're saying, because you can poison the well. Yeah, I can't stand them. I don't know if I can do this. They're going to believe you, and they're going to be like, maybe this isn't the best for you. Most people are just going to trust what you're saying.

John [00:00:27]: Right.

Nicole [00:00:27]: And it's probably going to be emotionally charged and not the full picture, if we're being honest. And now you've created a different picture of your partner to these people, and then they might not back you up.

John [00:00:39]: Beyond the perfect we discover through our flaws we complete each other. Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:01:04]: That's right.

John [00:01:05]: And today we're going to be talking about a video that's. I think it's somewhat viral, right? That was like.

Nicole [00:01:12]: We're going to be talking about a social media video after the last episode when I'm like, social media is evil.

John [00:01:20]: Well, this woman had posted this video of where she said, not to sound cocky, but I bagged this man after hanging out with him one time. I'm exactly who I think I am, respectfully. And, you know, it's a guy at a gas station pumping gas, like, doing something cute to the camera. But the video itself, you know, it's not really the issue. It's like the. The comment section where it's like just a war between people, basically saying. And we'll read some of them, but basically going like, some people saying, a man's not hard to get, or like, you know, it's a dollar, that's a dollar, a dime a dozen type of man that you can use, the basic man that you can find anywhere. And then other people being like, yeah, what the fuck? Like, why would.

Nicole [00:02:15]: You should be proud.

John [00:02:16]: Yeah, why would you, like, be, like, shitting on someone who's proud of the man that they're there with and, like, proud of their partner and, like, you know, and why even say that stuff? So I'll read some of the comments. Like, the top comment is, she says, I promise. So bad. I'm not trying to be mean. I swear. But a man is the easiest thing to get. Right. The second top comment is, respectfully, are we pretending men are hard to get now? No offense, but this is a basic Mountain west model American man. They got them all over Colorado and Utah. Dime a dozen. Basic man. No offense. And then finally, like someone who says the energy in this comments is weird as hell, I think this video is so cute. And having a partner that cherishes you is absolutely a flex. Joyful love is a flex. Someone else is happy for you, but this person does not look unrealistically attainable in the slightest.

Nicole [00:03:16]: Happy for you, but never a good, good way to phrase things.

John [00:03:23]: The author replied to her and said, do you have cats in your profile pic? Haha. Yes. And the same mid 40 year old dude wearing a backwards hat like a frat boy. Kind of sad that has like.

Nicole [00:03:38]: No, you know what's kind of sad is people that purposely go out of their way to comment negative things.

John [00:03:45]: Right.

Nicole [00:03:45]: On a happy positive post.

John [00:03:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:03:49]: That's what's sad.

John [00:03:50]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:50]: That's what's giving crab in the bucket mentality.

John [00:03:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:53]: Like you're miserable. So you see this thing, this nice post this lady posted of her man pumping gas doing something nice and then you take it upon yourself to break your fingers out and go, this man ain't basically send. And like you feel good about yourself.

John [00:04:16]: Right. Like, and then, and then, and then thousands of people upvote that. That's.

Nicole [00:04:22]: Well, here's the reality.

John [00:04:24]: Click the upvote, I guess. But still like to be that salty.

Nicole [00:04:28]: The reality is, weirdly, because I've seen not other posts like this, but I've seen other posts online that are like, it's weird behavior to not like your husband or your wife or your partner. Yeah, Right. Like thankfully there's people that are calling this stuff out because anyone in that comment section that is in a relationship.

John [00:04:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:53]: That tells me you don't like your partner, right?

John [00:04:55]: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:04:56]: If you can comment that on someone else's stuff.

John [00:04:59]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:00]: Negatively.

John [00:05:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:01]: That means you don't like your partner. And reverse. Anyone in that comment section that's like, oh that's so sweet or like yeah, like we have to cherish our partners. I would bet has a good relationship, a happy relationship.

John [00:05:15]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:15]: And so I feel like this is a prime example of like projection. Right? Like exactly. Especially something positive.

John [00:05:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:23]: Like I feel like with something negative, people want to debate it a little bit more. But normally with something positive like you'll still obviously get some negative people in your comments. Trying to debate. Yeah, but normally it is the negative viewpoint that wants to debate. Right? Like, they want to be right. They want to drag you down to their viewpoint of, like, now guys are horrible. Right? And like, before, like, you and I got together, I was feeling a little hopeless when it came to men. You know what I mean? But I still didn't, like, hate them because I did want to find the one guy that I really, really liked one of these days.

John [00:06:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:01]: But I get that, like, it's easy to get sucked into these negative mindsets, but if you want a good relationship.

John [00:06:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:12]: You cannot operate.

John [00:06:14]: No.

Nicole [00:06:14]: From a super negative place like this to be commenting on someone being happy in their relationship.

John [00:06:21]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:22]: Even if you're like, respectfully, in the nicest way. I'm not trying to be mean. This is dumb. Like, yeah. You can't throw all these things in front of it to, like, not make it bad.

John [00:06:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:33]: Like, you're still being negative and you're still trying to bring someone down.

John [00:06:36]: Yeah. They don't even understand how the psychology works. First of all, you don't say, respectfully, I'm not trying to be mean. You say, I'm a big asshole. So take, take what I say with a grain of salt because I'm just a salty asshole. Then you say the thing. Now you have permission to say it. Like, that's how it actually works. If you want to, like, be able to say whatever the fuck you want is, you do it that way. If you do it. If you say, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm a nice person. And then you say it. No. Then, then you've created a higher standard of what you have. What. What comes next. You got to lower the standard of what comes next. You'll be like, look, I'm the biggest asshole in the world. So when I say this, take that into account. But, you know, whatever. And then you say your fucked up thing and then everyone laughs.

Nicole [00:07:14]: Right?

John [00:07:15]: Right. Like, no, like, this is the equivalent of, of like a kid at the beach, like, making a sandcastle. And then you just walk over and just kick it over.

Nicole [00:07:24]: Right.

John [00:07:24]: Like, and you're just like, why the fuck did you do it?

Nicole [00:07:26]: Especially if the kids, like, look at this. And then it's just like, it sucks. Kicks it over.

John [00:07:31]: Yeah. Like, why did you. No one asked you. And like, no one invited you. And why did you just come over here and kick over the sandcastle?

Nicole [00:07:37]: Right.

John [00:07:38]: Just like shit on someone else's or take a big shit on the sandcastle. Like, why would you do that, like, yeah, it doesn't. Like, it doesn't make any sense, but that's what.

Nicole [00:07:45]: Well, I'll tell you why people do this too. Like, their defense is that if you put it on social media.

John [00:07:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:53]: Then it warrants whatever response that they give you. Like, that's their cop out. That's their. Their get out of jail free card. It's like, well, if they didn't want me to say that their man looks like a dime a dozen, why would they put this video up? Excuse me?

John [00:08:11]: Like, you can. Yeah, they're right. Like, you can do it, sure. But it's a reflection of you. It doesn't change the fact that, like, you. Everyone has the ability to do it, but. But only you chose to do it right.

Nicole [00:08:22]: Or whatever about you than it does about the video. No. Which, like, you know, if you ever struggle with not taking things personally, watch a video like that and you'll be like, wow. Yes, people do operate more from how they feel about themselves or their life more than anything else. Because there's nothing wrong with that video. The guy's pumping gas. She's like, oh, I bagged him, like, right away. Like, you know, trying to be funny and be like, you know, she's proud. Got it.

John [00:08:48]: Of the man that she. She's with. Right. Like, it's like. But also just to say, like, when are we pretending that men are hard to get? Like, like, okay, let's not. Like, getting a man is not him having sex with you.

Nicole [00:09:05]: Right.

John [00:09:05]: Getting a man is him committing to you. And, like, being a husband or a father for years and, like, devoting his life to you. That's not easy to get. Like. Like, that's devaluing men in general, which is destructive to do to anyone. Like, I mean, the same thing. Like, let's say that same thing with

Nicole [00:09:25]: men doing it to women.

John [00:09:26]: Yeah, like, let's say that. I mean, can you imagine if some. Some guy posted a video of his wife making him a nice meal and he's like, she's so pretty and she's talented. And then I posted on there, I was like, yeah, she probably looks more like a five.

Nicole [00:09:42]: That's what guys do, though. Guys do it.

John [00:09:45]: Yeah, but how would that make you feel seeing that I posted that on some guy's video of his wife? You see what I'm saying?

Nicole [00:09:53]: Oh, if you posted that, like, I

John [00:09:55]: posted a comment and I said, she's a four, how would it make you feel? You see what I'm saying? Like, And I said, yeah, women, like. Like, that are easy to get. Like they're a dime a dozen. How's that gonna make you feel as. As my wife?

Nicole [00:10:10]: You don't even wanna know. Because one that would be so far out of your character. And then plus on top of like what you're trying to say, like, I know what you'. Like, if you can like shit on someone like that, right. You're probably shitting on me behind my back.

John [00:10:29]: Or do I think you're a dime a dozen? Do I think you're a dime a dozen?

Nicole [00:10:32]: You know, yeah. Like, I wouldn't think that you valued

John [00:10:35]: me like that woman in the first comment that said the thing. I don't know if she's married, but I mean, if her husband looks at that and he. And, and she's posted. Yeah, men are easy. Like, are we pretending that men are. Are not easy to get now? Like, he's like, what the am I? Like, yeah, I'm just came by just a replaceable part. Like you're not. Like if you just say that, if you just throw that out there, right? That lives forever. Like even like years later she gets into a relationship and it's like, that's pretty up comment that you made. Like, like, do you think that I'm just a dude? Like, just a gas station dude? Like, like it's a dime a dozen dude.

Nicole [00:11:15]: Right?

John [00:11:15]: Like, you know, anyone would think that. So it's like discarding people and, but, but discarding like the person that you're in a relationship, like, if you don't like the person that you're with, then that's a problem. And it's not a problem with them, it's a problem with you.

Nicole [00:11:31]: Right. You know, because, well, they don't like themselves too.

John [00:11:34]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:11:34]: Obviously, like, yes, it's probably their partner. Like you said, if they can say stuff like that, then obviously they don't value their partner.

John [00:11:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:43]: But honestly, they don't have self respect for themselves. Because even when I was single, I would never comment on something like that and be like, yeah, he's just okay or whatever.

John [00:11:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:11:56]: Like, I would never like go out of my way to like be negative towards somebody when they're just trying to show off that they're happy.

John [00:12:05]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [00:12:05]: And like express that. And like people who do that are jealous. But I would say most of the time too, they're insecure. Again, this is another way to like, cause a reaction, right? Like, like acting this way, like, this isn't new, but it happens more often now because people can be keyboard warriors, right? And say Whatever they want without any sort of consequence. Yeah, but this is a prime example of a cheap way to get attention.

John [00:12:37]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:37]: Which is what people want. Like, you know, you said that some people upvoted, like, thousand people upvoted some of those comments.

John [00:12:46]: That's the, See, that's what we were talking about from the last episode. That's the fame with no money.

Nicole [00:12:51]: Right.

John [00:12:52]: They don't get any money from it.

Nicole [00:12:53]: But see, they have to keep doing

John [00:12:54]: it just to be the commenter, just to, like, get people to upvote, to say, I know, but it's. That's how desperate, like, that's how ridiculously desperate, like, to, to. To say something harsh to someone else in order to get popularity. It's a popularity, like, to get people to like, your, your. Your. Your mean comment.

Nicole [00:13:13]: Right.

John [00:13:13]: And, like, you're not even getting money for it. At least if you're making some shit and you're getting money for it and it's bullshit that you're saying, okay, like, that's something, but you're not even getting paid for it. You're just doing this for, for just, just to get some upvotes on your, on your comment.

Nicole [00:13:27]: Because they have to live from people's perception of them rather than their perception of themselves, because they don't accept themselves or they don't love themselves or they don't, you know, respect themselves. And so they do have to comment like that. And then when they get a thousand, they're like, oh, yeah, people agree with me. I'm right. And like, let me lodge that in there. But then it doesn't stick because it's not coming from the right place.

John [00:13:52]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:13:54]: So they have to keep commenting things like that or keep, like, doing little things like that in order to fulfill them. That's why the Internet has become full of stuff like that.

John [00:14:04]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:04]: Is because all these people are, like, bottom feeders of, like, this negativity, this, like, validation, this attention they can get from being negative. Again, like you said in the last episode, negative stuff gets so much more attention online these days than positive stuff. And, like, I do feel like people are trying to balance that. Like, I do see a lot of positive stuff, but maybe that's like my personal feed is curated with things that I try to like.

John [00:14:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:35]: Make it more, like, neutral, like recipes or like, things that aren't, like, negativity or whatever. I mean, I did say I like the secret lamps of Mormon wives, and that's a little negative, I'm not gonna lie. But, like, you know what? I Mean, though. It's like when you go down this wormhole of, like, you feel this way about yourself and then you're using social media to fill that void and it never will, then you're gonna come, you're gonna comment on any video. It could be like a video of a puppy and be like, that puppy's not that cute. You know what I mean? And, like, there might be some other angry people that agree with you. And then you're like, see, other people agree with me. But it's like, you're just being negative, you're being nasty for the sake of it. And people do do that. People will be negative and nasty.

John [00:15:20]: It's not gonna.

Nicole [00:15:20]: Just for the sake of it.

John [00:15:21]: It's not gonna help you. Like, if you're a woman and you're saying, oh, are we pretending the men are not easy to get now? You're. You're like, if you're single, that's not gonna. Like, thinking of a man as a dime a dozen is not going to

Nicole [00:15:37]: get you a man.

John [00:15:38]: Right? Like. Like, that's like, no one wants to be the dime of the dozen.

Nicole [00:15:42]: Yeah.

John [00:15:43]: Like, no. No one wants to.

Nicole [00:15:44]: They want to be the needle in a haystack.

John [00:15:45]: It's the same thing that we. We always shit on men on the. And the red pill type of stuff is because if. How are you going to catch some that you hate?

Nicole [00:15:54]: Right?

John [00:15:55]: Like, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. Women have to hear the same message, too. But, like, it's not going to. Like, it's going to come out in what you say and how you interact with people a thousand percent. But the most important thing, I think, with this whole thing is to just like, the, the. The sanity check of, like, it's okay to be proud of it. You should be proud of the person that you're with, like, your relationship. Like, if you're not. If you can't post your significant other on social media and be proud of that, then that's a problem.

Nicole [00:16:27]: That's a huge red flag, right?

John [00:16:29]: Yeah. And so, like, shitting on people that do it, right? It's like, you know, that's. It's so destructive. But I think a lot of people do that and they start small, right? It's like they talk shit about their spouse to friends, to other people. Some people post it on TikTok. We've seen the Tiktoks where people post shit, post about their spouse on TikTok. And that's like, very bad. But. But it escalates and then they're getting attention for it. Right, Right. And that's.

Nicole [00:17:02]: Which is then like solidifying in their mind because they're being validated.

John [00:17:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:17:07]: But again, it doesn't. It's not the validation. They don't trust themselves. They trust other people to make their decisions. And as a libra.

John [00:17:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:17:17]: I will claim the indecisiveness. This is something that I've had to, like, fix within myself a lot of the time, is like valuing my opinion over other people's opinion. That's not to say that I still won't be like, hey, like, what do you think? Or whatever from time to time. But if you are posting something. Right, right. And then you're going to make your decision on whether this gets validated enough.

John [00:17:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:17:44]: On social media or not. Or like, because even this woman. Right. Like, if she wasn't secure in her relationship, she sounds like she is, which is a good thing. But if she wasn't, if she was a little uncertain.

John [00:17:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:17:56]: And there were a majority of negative comments.

John [00:17:59]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:17:59]: That could influence her.

John [00:18:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:02]: To now be like, you know what? Yeah. Like, maybe he isn't as great as I thought he was. And like, maybe I could do better. Or, you know, like, and I'm not. I'm just saying that it could go to that. Right.

John [00:18:13]: Like, yeah, that's a danger.

Nicole [00:18:15]: When you don't have a solid confidence in yourself. Self trust, self respect, you can be swayed by these things for sure.

John [00:18:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:23]: And like you said, if you post something where you're like, on your partner and then people are like, yeah, men suck or whatever, like, dump his ass or whatever, like, that will influence somebody. And then like, otherwise, like, maybe she or he posted it as a joke.

John [00:18:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:42]: But then now if they're seeing all this stuff where people are like, I wouldn't deal with that or whatever, then they're like, oh, wait, is this a deal breaker? Like, this was a joke. But like, do I want this for the rest of my life? You know what I mean? Like, so if you're not solid and like you said, if you're not proud to be with your partner, that's a red flag. And as someone who has dated someone that I was not proud to be with, you are not that person. But, like, I didn't really take that seriously when I was in that relationship. I was just like, I don't really want to be seen with this person. I don't really want to post them.

John [00:19:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:21]: Like, I should have trusted my instinct then. Right. Like, and I didn't And I was just like, oh, maybe it's because it's somebody I like, a type of person that I normally wouldn't date. And so, like, it's my body, like, or my mind being like, no, let's reject this. But. So I was like, maybe I need to. I don't know, maybe it'll go away. But that was me not trusting myself. That was me not trusting my instincts, and it wasn't fair to that person, honestly.

John [00:19:47]: Like, for sure. Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:48]: And, you know, I would apologize to that person at this point, but I don't communicate with anybody. But it was like, I'm just saying, I'm sitting here saying that if you feel that way. Yeah, that's a huge red flag. And don't, like, gaslight yourself into trying to make sense of it.

John [00:20:05]: Right? Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

Nicole [00:20:07]: Like, if you don't like your partner or you're. You have a partner and you're commenting on other people's stuff, like, men aren't that great. They're easy to get or whatever. I got one at home. Like, then you don't really like your partner.

John [00:20:18]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:19]: Like, you're not in the right relationship if you believe that if you're with somebody. And if you're not with somebody, then like you said, you're just turning into one of the guys that hates on women but then expects to find a woman.

John [00:20:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:31]: Like, if you're gonna hate on men, you better be a lesbian because you're only gonna find a woman.

John [00:20:35]: Right. But even. Even then, like, when you say this kind of stuff, it's still not appealing, like.

Nicole [00:20:40]: Right.

John [00:20:40]: It's not appealing to anyone.

Nicole [00:20:42]: No, exactly. I'm not saying it's acceptable.

John [00:20:45]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:20:46]: That's like, you know, you better bat for the other team because it makes zero sense to be shitting on the people, the group of people that you are trying to attract.

John [00:20:55]: Right, Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:56]: Like, that's not going to work.

John [00:20:57]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:58]: My eyeball.

John [00:20:59]: Yeah, but. But no, it's true. And like I said, I mean, it's even like, also the reverse is true. Like, if you're in a relationship with someone, serious relationship, and they are not proud of you, they're afraid to post you or whatever, then you should just get the fuck out of there. Because that's not, you know, it's not cool. It's not.

Nicole [00:21:21]: Which he did say at times, he's like, I feel like you don't want to be with me. And I was like, no, I do. Which I did. I was. I did But I wasn't acting like it. I could.

John [00:21:31]: Yeah, but, but that's not. Yeah, but like, it's like, yeah. If, if someone's not acting like, like you're. You're. You should be proud to be with.

Nicole [00:21:38]: Yeah.

John [00:21:38]: Who you're. Who you're with.

Nicole [00:21:39]: And if obviously now I understand that.

John [00:21:41]: Yeah. Then. Then it's not. Then. Then you have to bow out of that situation as well. Right. Because that's not.

Nicole [00:21:48]: No. Yes. I'm not saying stay with somebody that acted the way that I acted. Like, it's not acceptable.

John [00:21:54]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:55]: But no, I agree with you. And like, if I had posted something like that, you know, there's the, all the comments could be negative and it would never sway me because I'm so solid and.

John [00:22:05]: But how messed up would it be? It would be messed up and then,

Nicole [00:22:09]: but it would just show me, like, what we already know that society is sadly. And that's, you know, why we started all this. Like, it doesn't have to be that way. You can be in love.

John [00:22:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:19]: With your person and show that to the world. And like, I do think we need to make this more socially acceptable. And like I said, I do think people are trying to in a way. Like, I know we're trying to.

John [00:22:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:34]: But I have also seen like, videos from men and women being like, if you, like, talk about your wife or your husband, that's a problem. Like, that's not normal. Like, like, if you don't like your partner, that's not normal. That's not good.

John [00:22:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:50]: Like, it might be normal in the sense that, like, it's the majority.

John [00:22:55]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:56]: But it's not normal.

John [00:22:57]: Yeah. Not for a healthy relationship for.

Nicole [00:23:00]: Yeah, yeah.

John [00:23:00]: It's not like, yeah, it's, It's a problem. And, but that's, and that's the thing is, like, I think that's the thing is that people don't realize how much of a problem it is. Right. Like, it's not cool. It's not cool to joke about it.

Nicole [00:23:11]: No.

John [00:23:11]: You know, it's. But so many people, I mean, you see it like we've gone to like stand up comics and I get pissed off because I'm like, what? Like, you don't, you don't say that kind of stuff about it, like as if negative things about your, your husband or wife.

Nicole [00:23:26]: Right.

John [00:23:26]: That's just. You don't say that, like, you know, I mean, like, you can joke about like some. Something that they do or something like that. But, but when you say stuff that

Nicole [00:23:34]: is like completely character or Something. Yeah.

John [00:23:37]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:23:37]: Or like, who they are that you're annoyed with them. Something.

John [00:23:40]: Yeah. That's not. Yeah. I would never want to be in a place where, like, I mean, I know you would never do it, but I like how, like, I, like, I expect that when I'm not around you that you're speaking highly of my name. Right. Like, yeah, like, I do. Like, I would never speak negatively about you to someone.

Nicole [00:24:00]: No.

John [00:24:00]: Like, only good things and praise your, you know, like, everything about you. And so. And that's how it should be. Like, because if you don't, if you start doing that outside, then you'll bring it inside. Like, it'll like, you can't live that double life. No, it doesn't work. So.

Nicole [00:24:19]: But some people do try to live that double life.

John [00:24:21]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:22]: You know, and it's. It's not good. Anyway, we've talked about it. Another episode. To be talking to other people outside your relationship. Like, it's different in certain circumstances. So I don't want to say never. Like, if you're trying to work on your relationship and you're asking for help, that's different.

John [00:24:39]: Right.

Nicole [00:24:39]: But you should never be, you know, if you're upset with your partner, the best person to talk to is your partner, even though you might not feel like you can.

John [00:24:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:24:48]: That is the best person to talk to. Not your mom or your sister or your friend, like your partner. And if you do talk to those people, like you said, you have to. You really have to think about what you're saying because you can poison the well for sure if you're just venting, right? And you're like, yeah, I can't stand them. I don't know if I can do this. You know, yada, yada, yada, Right. They're going to believe you and they're going to be like, hey, like, maybe this isn't the best for you. I mean, like, some people can be like, see both sides of the coin and maybe hear it and be like, okay, well, what. What's been going on? Like, what about your side? What's, you know, going on here? But most people are just going to trust what you're saying, right? And it's probably going to be emotionally charged and not the full picture, like, accurate, if we're being honest. And then now you've, like, created a different picture of your partner to these people, and then they might not back you up.

John [00:25:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:25:47]: Like, I'm not saying not to talk to people, but if you do talk to people, you have to choose your Words wisely. Like, you said, like. And I just think people in general, because this is not even just a relationship thing. I think it's. You have to choose the words you tell yourself.

John [00:26:03]: Right?

Nicole [00:26:04]: I mean, plenty of, like, psychologists and people like that talk about, like, don't say I'm lazy. Talking about, like, the actual action, like, I'm feeling not very motivated right now or something. Like, if you label yourself these things, you're gonna paint that picture of yourself and your own mind to yourself.

John [00:26:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:26:24]: Like, you have to. You have to, like, choose the way that you're phrasing things when you're upset, especially when you're angry, because you can't be like, oh, I didn't mean that. That's not acceptable. You chose to say those words.

John [00:26:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:42]: You do not get to take responsibility away because you got angry because you had a big emotion.

John [00:26:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:26:48]: So, like, even in those instances, you can't just say whatever you want. And then same with, like, venting or talking about your issues to someone outside of your relationship. You really need to be careful how you phrase things and be like, I think, you know, my partner is a great person.

John [00:27:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:27:04]: But we're just really struggling with this right now. That's totally different. That shows that you support the relationship. You still value that person. You're not painting them in a poor light. You're just talking about the situation. And I guess really what it boils down to right after talking about all this is that you need to talk as much as you can about the situation and not label things or not, you know, completely draw all over the picture into something else when you're in your heightened emotions. And it's very important. I mean, it's part of the four agreements. You know, be impeccable with your word. But also part of the four agreements is to not think, take things personally. And again, I feel like a video like that where it's like, people are just hating on her for no reason. That's obviously their personal problem. But the bad thing is, is some people might be influenced and not see that when they look at those comments, they might be influenced by those negative comments. And that's the sad thing is because now these crabs in the bucket are trying to pull someone else in.

John [00:28:10]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:28:10]: And that's how we got here. Like, that's how men are getting so angry.

John [00:28:15]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:15]: Because more and more of them are being pulled down into the bucket with the other crabs. And now women are doing it because those comments, even they're like, respectfully, in the nicest Way possible. Not trying to hurt your feelings. You're still doing those things you can't, like, undo. Like, you're still commenting like a guy would, being like, yeah, she's a four.

John [00:28:33]: Yeah. It's like, when it's like, if someone posted like a weight loss picture, like, before and after and they still had some weight to lose, and you're like, yeah, but if I'm being totally honest, like, you still could lose 30 pounds. Like, yeah, that's not the.

Nicole [00:28:48]: Like, yeah, that's the asshole.

John [00:28:50]: Like, I'm not trying to. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I have to. Like, why? Like, it's not.

Nicole [00:28:55]: There's no point.

John [00:28:56]: You're. Yeah, but, but the thing is about talking about the relationship, I think it is good to talk, to, find people to talk to sometimes, but they need to be people that are in support of the relationship, that are rooting for the relationship, not rooting for you or the other person. You know what I'm saying? Like, because if you. And you have to couch it that way when you talk to them, I mean, obviously you should only talk to people that are for it. But like you said, there's a way you can talk about things that are mostly about what you're struggling with, not about how bad the other person is, because people will gravitate to that, that will stick in their mind. But also, I mean, the good test is, if it was some texts and your partner read the text, would they feel betrayed?

Nicole [00:29:45]: Yeah.

John [00:29:46]: Would they feel like, would it be something where they would. If they read those texts, they'd be like, oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense. Like, she was struggling with some issues. She reached out to a friend. Like, I don't feel like I was handled in a. In a disrespectful way in that conversation. That's fine. Like, that's, you know. But most people, I think when they talk about their partners in their complaint, that it wouldn't pass that test. And if it's not going to pass that test, then that's a problem. Because that is dishonesty. It is a form of lying. Right? Because it's dishonesty. It's not because you're hiding something. Because it should be like, hey, if whatever conversation you had with anyone, if your partner overheard it and knew it, you'd be okay with it. Or you share it with them and be like, I said some up stuff to. To my friend. I'm letting you know that I said this. I was me, I was mad. I shouldn't have said it, but I'm letting you know that's being honest.

Nicole [00:30:48]: Yeah.

John [00:30:49]: Everything else hiding it is dishonest. It's a lie. So that's where what it comes down to, it's a betrayal.

Nicole [00:30:56]: Yeah. So, no, you're right.

John [00:30:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:00]: And it's important and you do have to be conscious of it. Because I feel like a lot of people, again, like, they're like, well, I was upset and like, well, like, I don't mean it. It's like, that's not like, yes, like, like you said you should call it out and apologize. That's more respectful than someone having to call you out and then be like. And then someone being like, well, I didn't mean it. You know what I mean? Like, that's not actually repairing it.

John [00:31:29]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:30]: And that just shows that you're not paying attention to the words that you're using.

John [00:31:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:35]: And I also think, like, if you do have a good relationship like this and you do respect your partner, you're going to have way less times where you say out of pocket stuff. Oh, yeah, that would hurt your partner.

John [00:31:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:48]: Like, I do think that respect plays a huge part because if you don't want to hurt your partner and you live from that place and you respect them and you really love them, even when they hurt you, you don't want to hurt them.

John [00:31:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:32:00]: Like, that will cause you to not say a lot of things that like you said, you wouldn't want your partner to find out or exactly, like, would cause a huge problem if it came to light. And like you said, even comments like that, like, if I saw you commented something like negative like that on something on someone that was like, talking proudly about their wife, I'd be like, it's

John [00:32:22]: like you said it to me. Right?

Nicole [00:32:24]: Like, right. I'd be like, well, then you're not proud of me. Like, if you're trying to bring someone else down.

John [00:32:28]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [00:32:29]: Then you're not ever gonna do that to me. You're not gonna ever like, raise me up and make me feel like you're proud of me.

John [00:32:34]: Yeah. Because the, the appropriate response would be, oh, I'm so glad that you found the love of your life too. I'm so glad that you found someone also that was like, yeah, yeah, you go, girl. Or whatever.

Nicole [00:32:45]: No, when I saw it, I was like, I did the same. So I know how you feel.

John [00:32:49]: Yeah, exactly. Like, that's the, the sentiment that you should be. Because if you're not and you're supposing that then, then your partner would would know that that's what that means, you know, like, it obviously means something about your relationship if you're gonna shit on someone else's for sure.

Nicole [00:33:08]: Yeah. And if you don't have a relationship, your relationship with yourself, it says everything about that.

John [00:33:12]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:33:14]: Or both. If you do have a relationship, it's probably a mixture of you. You don't really respect or like that person, really, if you look at it, or you don't like or respect yourself.

John [00:33:25]: Yeah. Well, we got a lot of time to dig into the end because it's a doozy, so.

Nicole [00:33:32]: It is a doozy.

John [00:33:33]: Yeah. So I made a big. A big mistake.

Nicole [00:33:38]: A big.

John [00:33:38]: Boo. Booed up big time. Let's see. So, I mean, we were. It was like last Saturday, we were taking our daughter to the dance. Her dance performance. And we had stuff going on with Toto.

Nicole [00:33:56]: Our dog.

John [00:33:56]: Our dog.

Nicole [00:33:57]: She's actually here right now, but you can't see her with her little cone.

John [00:34:00]: Yeah. She had the emergency vet sit. It turned out that, like, we'll go into the whole story, but basically she ate a whole blueberry and it blocked her intestines. Yeah. So unbelievably so. But look up blueberries. Like, you're like, why didn't the stomach acid dissolve it? Yeah, that's what I thought, too. So look it up. You'll see that blueberries are resistant to stomach acid. So. Yeah, it's their whole special protective coating. So. Wow. But anyway, there was a lot of stuff going on in Stuff, but I. I, like. I flipped out in the car. Like, they're. They're one of my rare. And I started screaming at you and. Well, yeah, I mean, yelling, like. I wouldn't say screaming, but yelling, like,

Nicole [00:34:49]: you know, like abnormal yelling. Then, like, you don't normally yell, but sometimes you'll, like, raise your voice, which is like, in a heat of passion. So it was more yelling.

John [00:35:01]: Yeah, because you had said something about, like, we're discussing, like, you're going through it with the Toto stuff. And you said something about, like, leaving the dance performance and calling a friend to pick you up. And I, like, took that. I was very insulted by it. And so I grabbed the phone and I was like, this is fucked up or whatever. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I was yelling and I want

Nicole [00:35:26]: to throw these phones.

John [00:35:27]: I want to throw these phones. Really? You know, and then you got out of the car, and I got pissed off about that and then was following you. And then I threatened to. I was like, I should. I Should the vet care that we're paying for, for Toto, I was like, I should call them up and tell them I'm gonna take the money back or whatever. Was just completely out of pocket. Horrible. Horrible. I can't even believe I said that, but it was horrible. Um, yeah. And then. Yeah. And. And so. And then it took me some time to like, really figure out after we talked about that, you know, what was like, caught. Like, where did this even come from? Because I think that was. Was a shock. And I mean, it was actually as much as, you know, it was a embarrassing thing for me to, like, I was totally in the wrong and just, you know, what I would say is like, not. Not the way that I ever want to behave and not how I generally do, but, you know, like, like it made me examine, you know, and you helped me to. To figure out that there was something behind this. Like, where did this come from? Like, this reaction that was so, so strong and just, you know, and it came from a lot of places. Like, there was. I think the biggest thing that I found with that was that I still had, like, I was spending. I spent so much time helping other people and helping them work through their issues. Like, I could never really find the deep issue that was like, subconsciously affecting me. And we found it, which was this kind of insecurity around, like, seeking validation. And it wasn't even. Like there was a period of time where I sought validation from the world, right? Like, you know, going and sleeping with women and picking up women and doing all these things. And um. And even, like, even with my YouTube channel and stuff. Like, I haven't even made videos in a long time now. But like. Like. Cause I don't care. Cause I don't. Like, it's like, you know, we do this to help people. But. But I got over that part of, like, validation. Like, I didn't. Didn't feel it, but I still had this part of. Of needing validation, like, with my spouse, with you. And. And I. And I kept on setting the bar higher. Like, I was like, I. A lot of times I would have discussions with you. Like, you don't. You don't admire me enough or you don't respect. Like, other people look up to me and they pay me fifteen hundred dollars an hour to coach them. And like, like, you haven't even read my books. And like, I. I was upset.

Nicole [00:38:00]: Which I have read your book.

John [00:38:01]: Which you did now.

Nicole [00:38:02]: Yeah, one of them, yes.

John [00:38:04]: But. But even that, like, where was that coming from? Like, it wasn't. And you're like, no, I am admiring you. I respect. I tell you all the time and you do. And so where it was coming from was this still this need of validation. And what I realized was that I was setting the bar higher and higher for you because no matter how much validation or appreciation, respect, admiration that you gave me, it wasn't enough. Because the only person who could give me the level of admiration and respect and appreciation that I was looking for was myself. And that's just true. In reality, no one knows. I was telling you about how when I'm on a 10 or 20 mile run and in the heat and I been working hard all day and it's like, no one knows that besides, like, I can tell you it was hot Iran. Like, you can see that I'm. That I show up and I do it. I never miss my workout. But no one really knows, like, what it takes besides me to give myself that admiration and respect of, like, what I do and show up. And I want everyone, or I want you to know, like, I used to want everyone to know, but then. And we would have these conversations where I'd be like, I want you to see these things, to really see me. And it's a nice thought.

Nicole [00:39:19]: It was that you didn't see you.

John [00:39:22]: Well. And the thing. What I realized was that, yeah, without me, like, accepting that validation from myself and appreciation and admiration for myself, that I couldn't feel the admiration and respect and appreciation that you were already giving me. And it felt like it was not enough. And because I couldn't even feel it at all, really, because it was an empty. It was like a bottomless pit, right? And it's like, only I understand enough about myself to really give myself the pat on the back that I really need. And some of that probably did come from childhood. Some stuff. My dad was very, like, nothing was good enough. Like, you get like an A minus. And he would, like, you know, or you show him an essay or something that you wrote and he would. You'd have really good grade on it. But he would say, I came from Turkey and I didn't even speak this language. And I can see that used his grammar correctly. And that was the level of stuff that you would get. Especially if my dad had been drinking. And then my mom, God rest her soul, but I realized I repressed some physical. I mean, she would hit me with a spoon and crack eggs over my head. She would, she would get mad, like, and when she flipped out and would smash eggs on my head and stuff. And she was A wonderful woman, but this is not to throw shade at her name, but she would. I had repressed these kind of abusive things that happened to me and I as a child had psychologically, like justified. Rationalize this as to like, is because I was hyperactive and I pushed her to the limit, which there's probably some truth that I was definitely crazy, but still no one deserved to be hit with a spoon or to have eggs smashed on their face or to be like, so subconsciously, even though I hardly ever yell or even get upset or angry, you were the only target of it. Right. Unfortunately, you're like everyone else. You can take all kinds of shit from them. And it's like a small thing that I do for some reason just set you off like that, which still happens very rarely, once every six months. But I think the same thing happened where I rationalized or justified that in order because it's my mom, she died of Parkinson's. It was a tough thing to go through. And she's a wonderful person, but she got to a limit where then she blew up and screamed at me and did these things, which was out of her character. But in some way I had that also within me because I never really dealt with that, addressed that, that that was not okay and that was wrong. And because I had said it's my fault, I caused her to do this. Right. Even though I tell our own daughter that this never an adult, you know, adult's behavior is never your fault because like, logically I know all this stuff.

Nicole [00:42:28]: Yeah.

John [00:42:29]: But the, the, the four year old, five year old version of me doesn't know all this stuff and has an. And so, so anyway, like, you kind of cracked me. Right? Like you, you, you helped me to see that I was doing this and that a lot of it was trapped in, in ego too.

Nicole [00:42:50]: Well, I think that's why I don't want to cut you off.

John [00:42:52]: No, go ahead, go ahead.

Nicole [00:42:53]: I did bring up some of these things before, not the stuff with like your mom, but tried to like get you to uncover some of these things. And before you would just be very dismissive and be like, no, I work through all my stuff. I don't have any problems. But I think something, even though I'm not saying I'm glad that this happened, I am, yeah, I don't want to say that because it did suck being on the other end when you were upset. So that's the part where I don't want to be like, I'm glad this happened because I'm not glad that you reached a point that went against your character. But I do think that it had to happen for you to finally see what I have been trying to get you to uncover. And that you finally did get to do that, which is the most important thing here, was that you could finally see it.

John [00:43:43]: Yeah, exactly. And that's what. Yeah. And that was. It's funny because when we got to the dance performance, we had some time, like an hour and a half or two hours before we were like, before Sofia was done with the thing. And you're like, oh, go do your run because I need to do like a 10 mile run. And I was like, no, I don't want to leave you like this with Toda. And then the next day I was like, why don't I just do my run? Like, if I just did the run, I would have avoided all this. But then when I was actually on my run the next day, I was like, no, no, no. Actually, I'm glad that it happened because it needed to happen. Because I had been spending so much time helping other people get through their shit and I never found like. And when you were telling me, like, there's some stuff, I did dismiss it because I couldn't find it. Like, I didn't. It wasn't, it was only you didn't trust me. Well, and I don't want it to be like that.

Nicole [00:44:40]: I.

John [00:44:41]: That I like that it wasn't about, like, not. I just honestly didn't. Didn't see it. I didn't feel like it was there. Like, I really didn't think that that was the case. But you were right. You were right. Of course you were right. Like, so I won't take away that from you. You're right. But, but I think that it was just like, I needed to see some behavior of mine that was so out of character for me in order to be like, okay, whatever you think, like, there's something there. Like, it was, it was undeniable to me. You know what I'm saying? It's like when you're like, I know when you're like, I just gained a few pounds. But then like, you, you don't, like, until you pull up the jeans and they like, don't even come close to clasping or whatever. Then, Then you're like, okay, this is the undeniable proof. Like, I'm, I've gained weight, I'm fat. Like, you know, it's like, you can't, you can't deny it anymore, right? So that was like the undeniable proof for Me was, okay. I just did this. I just said these things. That was fucked up. That was mean. It was hurtful. Like, you know, I'm sorry that I did. I've apologized many times. But, like, so. So that made it so that I'm like, okay, there's, you know, that. That I could be receptive to, to. To, like, to see what was. Was going on with me. But. But I feel like it was super important because it was something that was holding me back, you know?

Nicole [00:46:09]: Yeah. I was holding our relationship back.

John [00:46:11]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:12]: Because it wasn't just the angry outbursts. It was that I couldn't talk to you, which I'd been telling you.

John [00:46:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:20]: And then you would get. Your ego would get hit and you'd be like, what do you mean you can't talk to me? Like, you would get defensive about me not being able to talk to you.

John [00:46:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:29]: Which was why I couldn't talk to you.

John [00:46:32]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:33]: And then, like, everything I said, you could twist into being a personal attack right onto you. So I literally couldn't say anything like, oh, I see your phone. You'd be like, oh, it's flipped over. You'd be like, you don't trust me. You don't know who I am as a person.

John [00:46:50]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:51]: Everything would be that way.

John [00:46:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:53]: And so I'm just really glad that, you know, that you were able to see this. I also, not to toot my own horn, but I am going to, like, through all this, I still supported you.

John [00:47:08]: You did. Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:09]: And I did not yell at you back. I didn't call you names. I actually had to hold pretty firmly.

John [00:47:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:17]: On how I felt about the situation. Because you did try to defend it for sure.

John [00:47:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:23]: Even for, like, another hour afterwards.

John [00:47:25]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:26]: And you didn't like that. And I. I'm sorry, but it needed to happen.

John [00:47:31]: It did. It did. It really did. Like, And I. And I. I'm glad that you did. Right. Because, you know, I mean, there's so many levels to this that, you know, but, like, you know, because there. There was even a point in the conversation where you said something along the lines of, like, you know, if this happens again, then I'm going to leave. Like, I'll, like, a little bit. And I was offended by that at that point. Right. In that. Yeah, but which you would think, like, that. Okay, yeah, he should be offended by that. Like, that's pretty messed up. But in reality, no. Like, when I really thought about it, and this is going to sound somewhat controversial, but I thought, okay, look, I want you to leave. Like, if I'm ever, like. Like, if I'm not continually living up to the man that I, like, want to be, then I want there to be consequences. I, like a good woman in your life, will drop you.

Nicole [00:48:31]: Well, look, you're making it seem like I was gonna drop you, because I was like, I love you. I don't want to walk away from you.

John [00:48:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:39]: But the level of what just happened was not acceptable. Like, it really wasn't. And it was like you said, like, it was over me saying, I'm going to call my friend. It was not like me calling you a name. It was not me, like. Like saying really harsh, mean things to you.

John [00:48:57]: Right, Right.

Nicole [00:48:59]: It was. It was something that was not, like, big enough to cause the reaction.

John [00:49:06]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:49:07]: And so I was like, this cannot happen.

John [00:49:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:49:09]: Like, I can't be afraid to say something that should not cause a huge reaction, and you just explode. You know what I mean? So that's like. And it wasn't like you. And you kept telling me. You were like, you know who I am. You know, this is not me. I was like, I do, but I can't accept this.

John [00:49:28]: Right.

Nicole [00:49:29]: Even though I know it's not you, I can't let this be fine.

John [00:49:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:49:32]: Like. And you were like, if you love and trust me, it should be fine. You should forgive me. And I'm like, I forgive you, but I can't trust you yet, because you still hadn't told me. Like, you still hadn't broke down your wall.

John [00:49:44]: Right?

Nicole [00:49:44]: And I was like, you know, I can't. I can't. This is not repaired. Like, I was like, if you just say, yeah, I messed up, and, like, I broke our trust, and I want to, like, work towards this, that would have been working towards this.

John [00:49:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:49:57]: But for a long time, you doubled down until you finally, like, broke down, and I still held space for you, even when you did dive into, you know, your childhood, which I'm glad you did. And that's why I wanted to hold space for you. But it was. It was hard, you know? Like. Like you said, it was a really hectic, crazy week. I had told you multiple times that I was not okay. Which is also why it got to the point in the conversation where I was like, I can't be here, like, right now, like, having this conversation, like, having the defensiveness, like, I can't say anything. And so. And then it just got worse from there. But it did get better at the end, and it was necessary. But I do want to pat myself on the back Because I. The way you acted, I did not do anything back towards you. I was not vengeful. I was not trying to get even towards you. I was not trying to punish you.

John [00:50:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:53]: I just had a boundary and I had to stick to it. And then, you know, finally you opened up and.

John [00:51:00]: Yeah, no, because it had to, like, in order to get me to really see it. Which, which is. Which is where I was going to. Is like, you know, I do. A good woman will drop you if you're not being the man that you. That, that you're capable of being. Like, again, I don't think. It's not like you're going to just easily drop. Like, I don't. I don't like. And I know that, like, even, Even you saying that, like, you would still, like, stick with me and still, like, work with me and like, I know that things like in my. But. But I, I prefer that. That you do say that. That you're like, no, look, if you. If you're not performing the way that you're supposed to perform as a man, then, yeah, then you should. You should expect. As a man, you should expect everything in your life to disappear. If you're not showing up as the man that you're supposed to be. That's it. Like, that's like, it works with your job, with your business, with. With your woman. Like, that's how it is. It's different, you know, going the other way, you know, but when you're the leader, when you're the one who is, you know, that's. That's what it is to be a man. And so I think that was a good reality check for me to just realize, like, hey, I want you to hold me account because a woman, a good woman, is a mirror. Right? And you're just reflecting back to me. Right. Even if it's like a distorted reflection because the mirror's a little dirty in the sense that it's not like you don't know exactly what's going on inside of me. Like, you're calling it one thing, but it's something different. It's still reflecting some lack of integrity or something that's off. That you can sense intuitively that you're reflecting back to me. And then it's up to me to figure out what it actually is. Right. Instead of arguing the point of, no, that's not what it is. You don't know what you're talking about. It doesn't matter if the words you're using accurately describe the thing. There's something that's off. And you're indicating that the thing is off, and I need to listen to that.

Nicole [00:52:59]: Right. And then, you know, and explain it. Because I think any woman would say that when they're trying to guess what's going on with their partner, they're not trying to be right.

John [00:53:08]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:08]: They're trying to figure it out. Because normally the man doesn't actually say it. Right. So, like, me even telling you before some of these things that I noticed, it was because you weren't saying them, right?

John [00:53:20]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:53:20]: It was because you. Yes, something was off, but you weren't saying them. So then I had to try to figure out, well, what is this? Maybe if I can figure it out and bring it to him, he can be like, oh, that is what it is. Right, Right. But if you just. If I was like, hey, something's off, or, like, you know, are. Are there things that you have repressed that, like, are inside of there that you're not really noticing, but they're affecting you? And if you were like, actually, yeah, when I think about it, like, maybe I didn't process this stuff with my mom or my dad. Yeah, that would be fine. Like, there would be no, like. No, I think it's this or whatever. Like, unless you were still, like, deflecting.

John [00:54:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:54:01]: Then maybe someone or I would be like, well, it seems more like maybe this. You know what I mean? Like, it's not supposed to be, like, trying to guess. It's supposed to, like, open up the conversation. Because a lot of times men don't do that. And I could tell that something was holding you back from operating the way that you wanted, because you'd be like, I want you to come to me. I want you to talk to me. And I believe that that's true.

John [00:54:26]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:54:27]: But then when I would, it would never be met for the most part, like, without some sort of defensiveness or some sort of, like, attack on your character that I never wanted to do. So then it did make me not really want to come to you because I could never express it.

John [00:54:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:54:46]: No matter how gently I tried in a way that would not offend you or, like, make you feel like I don't know you or.

John [00:54:54]: Yeah. And my. My intelligence was working against me as. As it does with our daughter as well. Right. Where, like, I could find the thing that you're doing in order to protect the thing that I'm doing. Right. Like, I could find the fault in what you're doing and point it out to you and then be like, oh, yeah, See, look, you're doing this. And then that would just keep me safe from having to deal with my own thing.

Nicole [00:55:19]: Right.

John [00:55:19]: And that was working against me because I would do that a lot of times in our discussions. And it helped you because I identified things that you could work on that helped you to grow, but I wasn't helping myself at all because I wasn't growing in those situations.

Nicole [00:55:34]: But I did feel blamed sometimes. I'm not gonna lie. I did feel like I had to take the blame in order for us to move on.

John [00:55:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:55:42]: If I'm being honest.

John [00:55:43]: Yes. Then that's. And you're. You're accurate in saying that. And that was. That was also. I apologize for that. So.

Nicole [00:55:50]: Yeah, I know. And I do feel like I said we. By the end of the conversation. I did trust you. You did actually repair because you did break down the walls, and you did make changes, and you've continued to make changes, and it is easier to talk to you. And I feel like you're now even noticing how gently I have to talk to you from how you were before, because you keep telling me, like, you know, you. I'm. You're not gonna offend me or whatever, but I have been trained to talk to you in a certain way or, like, I mean, even that way was never the right way. But I'm. I do feel like you can tell now, like, just how gently I have been trying not to hurt you, because I do care.

John [00:56:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:34]: That you didn't even see before, like you said, like, you didn't even see, you know, like, how much I admire you and I love you and I respect you because I was showing you that. And also, that was really hard.

John [00:56:45]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:45]: To hear. You know, you be like, you don't love me enough. You don't, like, tell me enough. You don't admire me. I'm like, my whole life is you.

John [00:56:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:54]: Like, yeah, I can, like, tell you I love you more, but I already tell you all the time, I don't think that's really going to make much of a difference, like, throwing two more in there than the 50 that I tell you every day, basically, you know?

John [00:57:07]: Well, I mean, and I think the light bulb moment for me was when, you know, after that happened and we were having the conversation, you're like, I can't talk to you. And then I was again being like, that's ridiculous. Like, you can talk to me. Like, yeah, this one thing, you know, it's very rare. Like, I. I, like. Like, I'm a very reasonable person. I'm the easiest person that there is to talk to. And those are true things in general. But what I realized was that it doesn't matter. I'm responsible. You not being able to talk to me or feeling like you can't talk to me is not an insult to me. I'm responsible for. For that situation. Like, I'm responsible for whether. Whether I believe it's justified or not. That's what your perception is, and I've created that perception. So you can't deny that. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I don't know how to explain it, but I started instead of a lot of things that you're saying to me, me being, like, offended because you are feeling that way. Right. That's Maybe that was what it was to realize that, like, I'm kind of responsible for, like. I don't want to say for making you feel that way, but for resolving those feelings or for, like, for dealing with the way that you feel. Right. Like, I'm. Like, when you tell me I feel like I can't talk to you, it doesn't matter if I think that's accurate or it should be accurate or not. What matters is that that's what you're bringing up right now, and that's what's important to you, and I'm responsible for resolving that so that you don't have to feel that way. Because that's what my job is. That's who I like. You know what I'm saying? As the man. And that's what was kind of the light bulb moment for me, because I was like, oh, God, wow. There's a lot of instances. Right. And just in the last week or so, I've been living my life with that new insight, and it's just been a shift in everything. Right.

Nicole [00:59:09]: It's just, like, you seem happier.

John [00:59:11]: Yeah. But even. Just like. Even simple interactions that we've had have been, you know, like, it's a. It's a weight that's lifted off my shoulder because I don't have to worry. Because it's even like, you know, with, like, with taking care of Toto, and, like, if you say, oh, make sure to give her this, or, like, are you doing so, like, I would be. Even if I wouldn't say anything, I would be offended by it. But, like, oh, do you think I can't do this? Or, like, you don't trust me? And it's like, no, it doesn't. It's not about that at all. Like, it doesn't. It doesn't that. That stuff doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying? Like, Like, I. I was.

Nicole [00:59:45]: It's like, you're not taking it personally.

John [00:59:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:47]: Which, like, you shouldn't, because it's not, you know, like, if I was like, you're a bad guy, like, that would be very hard to take personally. But a lot of the stuff that you were taking personally was more of like, honestly, you were twisting it in your own head to mean something like that. And you had even told me at one point when we were dealing with some other stuff, you know, like, no one can hurt you. You can only hurt yourself.

John [01:00:12]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [01:00:14]: But then you would hurt yourself all the time.

John [01:00:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:00:18]: Everything I said would hurt you.

John [01:00:20]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [01:00:21]: And then I got kind of, like, villainized in a way. In your head. I know you didn't think I was a villain, but I became the punching bag. I became the thing to blame.

John [01:00:31]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:00:32]: And you're not the only one in our unit that does that. And so it's just. It's. I'm just glad that you have noticed these things because it's been difficult, like, being the punching bad bag for everyone. And like I said in the conversation, it did hurt that you could treat all these people that don't admire you and respect you and love you to the level that I do better than me.

John [01:01:01]: Right.

Nicole [01:01:02]: Like, that's what really was really hard.

John [01:01:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:01:06]: And like. And then people would be like, oh, well, haven't you heard? The people closest to you, we treat the worst. And I'm like, yeah, I've heard that. But I don't accept that.

John [01:01:14]: Right.

Nicole [01:01:14]: Because that's not what you do, John. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, john is the closest person to me, and I treat him better than everyone in my life. The best.

John [01:01:22]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [01:01:23]: And I proved that. Like, I proved that. And just like, about having the high standards for each other.

John [01:01:30]: Right.

Nicole [01:01:30]: I didn't allow myself in that conversation to yell at you to the same level, because I'm not doing that. Like, I'm gonna hold myself to my standard regardless of what you do.

John [01:01:44]: Right.

Nicole [01:01:45]: And so I do expect that from you. That is a standard that I have.

John [01:01:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:01:49]: And I don't think that's un. Like, realistic, because I know what you're capable of. And also I'm holding myself to that standard. Like, I never hold you to a standard that I don't hone myself. Like, maybe there's something with leading. I don't know. Like, you know, you're going to operate differently.

John [01:02:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:02:06]: But I Don't. I can't think of a standard that I hold you to that I don't hold myself to.

John [01:02:10]: Yeah, I think that's. I think that's accurate. So.

Nicole [01:02:13]: And. But that's also makes it easy in any situation.

John [01:02:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:02:17]: You know, because, like, I'm not going to mirror back. I don't want to mirror back how you're treating me in that instance where, you know, you blew up and you had a moment. Like, I don't want to do that to you. Even though you're hurting me, I don't want to do that to you. And I know you weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. You did say some things that seem that way, but you apologize for them.

John [01:02:37]: Well, and a lot of this was coming out from subconscious behavior that I didn't even realize because I'm like, like, like where, Like, I'm not. I'm not like this. This is not who I am. This is not what I do. And, and even just like you said about, like, even, like, small things, that would be. That would be like, I guess I was making a lot of things about me because I always tell you, like, stop focusing on yourself, but I was doing exactly what I was telling you to stop, to not do. Because, like, even if, like, let's say, situation that. That you don't, like toto needs to be taken care of in some way, you don't trust that I'm going to do it properly. Right. Like, you're worried about it still. Okay. In that situation, I can be personally insulted by it and be like, you don't trust me. Like, you should trust me. I can also be like, you have an unusual high amount of anxiety for a human being. Right. And it's not a personal thing, like, you should trust me. But there's something going on with you. Not something that's bad about me, but something that's going on with you that you need to fix around anxiety. So why is that offending? It doesn't have to offend me. And so I can understand that and then just accept what you said and then let you handle the thing or reassure you and be like, oh, okay, thank you for telling me that. I'll make sure that I thank you. Or I can address it and say, hey, it does hurt my feelings that you don't trust me. I know it must be related to some anxiety, but I'm letting you know that it hurts my feelings. Like, I would prefer in the future, like, if we can work through this so that I can feel like you do trust me as much as you trust yourself when it comes to Toto. Like, that's another resolution that could happen, you know what I'm saying? But what I was doing in the past is in that kind of situation, you would say something and I'd be like, do you not trust me? Like, like. And then we'd have to have an hour long discussion about why you need to trust me.

Nicole [01:04:42]: Or more or longer, like, yeah, it

John [01:04:46]: would become like a big thing about that because I wasn't, because I was looking, I was focusing on, on, on me. Like, you know, the thing that I always tell you, but I was doing it, but I couldn't see that I was doing, doing that. You know what I'm saying? Because it was like a subconscious, like hyper vigilance around, like around trust, around with just you, with just my partner, you know, which, which probably. Look, I came from also a long relationship that, that probably instilled some of those things in me that I didn't really want to believe that, you know, I came out of those things in some way, in some way better. But also you're going to have some downsides too, like in some ways worse. And so I didn't really acknowledge those things. And so. But I can see them now. But like be bringing that awareness to all that is what has made a huge shift in just the way that like I'm at more peace. Because you can imagine, like if you're living that way that I was living and like these small things that are other people's problems are I'm taking personally, like, because like other people have issues and their issues, which I'm reflecting as a mistrust of me, that's personal. You can imagine if I'm carrying that around everywhere, I'm going to be stressed out and like, and like have a weight on my shoulder. Every interaction I'm having is. I mean, it was mostly with you because you're my spouse. But like I'm now carrying all of that stuff and now I don't have to carry all that stuff because it's like it can be just. It doesn't, it's not, it's not personal to me. So even though I preach this all the time about not taking things personally. Yeah, you were right. I was taking things personally. So I apologize. And yeah, but I learned, and I

Nicole [01:06:34]: won't speak for you, but you know, the way it came across too was that you probably felt like you had to focus on yourself because you didn't feel like I or anyone was doing it adequately, which like you were talking about, like you're never gonna know what it's like to go on a 10 mile hike or you don't appreciate me like these other people. But you focusing on yourself made you blind to all the things that people did do.

John [01:07:03]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:05]: Or you would accept it from some people because they were like lesser or they only gave you. The only time you interacted with them was just admiration. You didn't go through hard times with them or whatever.

John [01:07:17]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [01:07:18]: But in focusing on yourself, you were still missing loving yourself.

John [01:07:25]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:25]: And giving yourself the credit.

John [01:07:27]: Exactly.

Nicole [01:07:28]: And so you were on zero at all times and you just felt like focusing on yourself would fill this void because you probably felt like no one else was focusing on you, right. When lo and behold, people were. But you couldn't feel that because even though you're focusing on yourself, you weren't loving yourself, you weren't appreciating yourself. You weren't giving yourself the credit. And then you wanted everybody to be able to give that to you in a way that filled that up, like you said. But it never even came close. Like you said, like it was bottomless, like there was no bottom. You had to. You loving yourself closed it off and then it could fill up from there, right?

John [01:08:07]: Yeah, it, it's, it's like, it's like, like that kind of focuses, like why? I don't know. That's a very weird analogy.

Nicole [01:08:14]: But it's, you know, you're like, I'm thirsty. You have this huge bucket you could give yourself. But then you're like trying to.

John [01:08:20]: You guys need to give me.

Nicole [01:08:21]: Yeah, you're like, give me all the water you have.

John [01:08:23]: Right? Yeah.

Nicole [01:08:24]: And it's, you're like, that's not enough. Yeah, exactly.

John [01:08:27]: It's like, well, you've got the bucket right there. So it's like, yeah, you can either focus on other people and not your thirst or you can quench your thirst with your own bucket. Like, like, don't try and like do both of the. In the opposite way. So.

Nicole [01:08:41]: Yeah.

John [01:08:41]: Yeah. So that's what it kind of came down to. But yeah. But yeah, so I just wanted to put it all out there because it was very, it was very bad mistake on my, my part, but, but also good that like it came out that way in order to deal with this. And like, I, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't trade it. Right. Because I'd rather go through that and like learn those things and, and then come out better and then live life how I'm Living now where all these things. Because I realized even we had a small conversation this morning about parenting stuff. I won't go into the details, but I could see even this morning that you were hesitant to talk to me about it. Rightfully so, but now looking at. Okay, yeah, of course you would be hesitant to talk to me about how you feel about this thing, because what you said, the old me would have been offended by it. Would have been offended by your feelings about this thing and taken it personally. And look for the word where you would. That you would say something that would indicate a lack of trust or wanting to be with me or whatever it was that I could pick out that then I can make the whole thing about that instead of what you're actually feeling. Right.

Nicole [01:10:04]: Yeah.

John [01:10:04]: You're nodding your head, because I know that. Exactly. Right. That's how you know I understand.

Nicole [01:10:10]: I mean, I trusted you in this conversation, but I'm saying yes, that's. That's how.

John [01:10:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:10:14]: How you've been operating conversations that we've had.

John [01:10:17]: Like, yeah, I can see it now. Right. Like, because I'm looking at it and I'm like, oh, okay. Like, why was I reacting in those ways? Like, you know, it's like. And it came down to what we talked about. It's like, I didn't realize these things that I had. Was holding onto that I was looking for, like, this validation that I could only give myself. And now that I've done that, I see all those conversations in a different light. But then I see why you be hesitant to. Because I'm always like, come to me. You should talk to me about everything. And you're like, no, I can handle some stuff on my own. I'm like, no, that's not how a relationship's supposed to work. Which is true. Those things are true. But then it's like, also, I'm saying that. But then also, at the same time, when you do come to me and then you're sharing your feelings about something, if I don't like them, then I'm making it about me. Like, the thing. The one little thing that you said that offended me, and then the whole thing got derailed from you sharing about what you were coming here to talk about, because now this is a higher priority because how dare you insult me. And, like, you know, like, say this in the wrong way or whatever it was. And then it's like, so the whole thing, like, from, you know, like, I get the perspective now. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it makes sense. Like, I would feel the same way if that was happening again. It wasn't something I was purposely consciously doing.

Nicole [01:11:31]: Now I know.

John [01:11:32]: Right. And it wasn't something that was even like. Like our relationship was still great. Like. Like it was still better than perfect, but now it can be even more better than perfect because now you don't have to worry about those. Those things. And, yeah, I can handle them much better because I can see it. So.

Nicole [01:11:49]: Yeah. And I do appreciate you working on it. You know, a lot of people wouldn't, and even though I was nervous because it did take you a while to get to the end part. But I do trust you, and I do believe that you're going to operate the way that you've been operating for a week from here on out. And I do think that it will help our relationship a lot.

John [01:12:13]: Yeah, I think so, too.

Nicole [01:12:14]: So. And I appreciate you being vulnerable on here. Like, you owned up to a lot of things. Not that I thought that you wouldn't know.

John [01:12:22]: I know. I know.

Nicole [01:12:22]: But, you know, that's not easy to do.

John [01:12:25]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:12:26]: You know, so I do appreciate that.

John [01:12:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:12:28]: So.

John [01:12:30]: Well, good. Yeah. So, you know, it's. It's. It flips back and forth. We have, but we're both learning and growing, and that's what's good, you know, and that. And that's what the purpose of the relationship really is.

Nicole [01:12:43]: Yeah.

John [01:12:43]: Because I would not have uncovered this thing without your help, you know, because it was deep. It was very deep in there.

Nicole [01:12:52]: Even though I've said all the things.

John [01:12:55]: You did say it.

Nicole [01:12:56]: Even with the conversation where you said that I would come with something and then I'd. You would be offended. And I've said that, like, you derail the conversation, and I never feel like my feelings ever get resolved because it gets taken over, but I get that. Like, you had to see that. Yeah. I just wish it didn't have to be at the level that it was. But honestly, I'm more glad that it's being resolved. That's what matters to me the most.

John [01:13:24]: Yeah. Yeah. And then. Yeah. And that's the thing is, like, you were talking about it on one episode where you're like. Like, until you saw it for yourself. Right. Like, you can. Like. Cause I could tell you all the things. All. And I would tell you the things. But until you had the light bulb moment where you saw it and you told yourself the thing, it didn't really. And that's how we are, and that's how it was with me in the situation is, like, until I like, it just forced me to that. That point of which you helped me to be able to tell it to myself, but I had to, like, witness it and see it in order.

Nicole [01:13:59]: But hopefully you trust my intuition a little bit more about this. And blueberries.

John [01:14:03]: Well, and that also helps me to trust your intuition more about the things, because that was also blocking me from your intuition. Like, this problem was actually blocking me from.

Nicole [01:14:14]: Right.

John [01:14:14]: Hearing those things because you would just

Nicole [01:14:16]: twist it into an attack instead of somehow.

John [01:14:19]: It felt like an insult to me in some way. Right. Like, which never was the case, but that's what blocked me from. From. From those things. So now I don't have that blocker. So.

Nicole [01:14:31]: Yeah.

John [01:14:31]: So now if I don't listen to it, it's on me. It's stupid. Just stupidity.

Nicole [01:14:37]: It'll just be $10,000 and surgery.

John [01:14:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:14:42]: I guess we should go over that really fast before, because you said that we would go over it, but toto, a blueberry was blocking her intestine, but we didn't know that that's what it was. So it was like a week.

John [01:14:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:14:54]: She threw up everywhere. That was also a fight, too, because. Not a fight, but, you know, I mean, disagreement. Because John was like, this is normal. Dogs throw up. But, I mean, she threw up so much, and she was acting so weird. I was like, I just. This feels off.

John [01:15:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:15:09]: Again, my intuition, I'm like, this feels weird. And you were like, it's normal, but you should go. And I'm like, okay. So I go to the doctor, their vet, last Wednesday, and they're like, her vitals are normal.

John [01:15:21]: Yeah. They're like, yeah, she'll. She's not gonna die overnight.

Nicole [01:15:24]: They're like, she only threw up once, so you can monitor her, but the next steps would be X rays, you know? So we took her home, and she threw up, like, two more times. Just like, not actual food. But then when we woke up the next morning, there was this brown stuff everywhere that we didn't know if it was diarrhea or throw up. And it ended up being throw up. But we were like, it's so weird. It was brown. So we take her back, and we get the X rays, and they're like, oh, well, she has some. Her gallbladders, like, really full, so she should get on this medication, but we don't see anything. And then I think she was still acting off. And you were like, if you want to take her to the emergency vet, because, like, it was after hours for the other vet to, like, have them check you know, and then again, they were like, you know, her vitals are normal, like, but we don't know. And the doctor was like, if she doesn't eat by tomorrow morning, then. And Toto eats food. Yeah, like, she eats. That's what she was like, bring her back. So then she didn't eat, so we brought her back. And then that doctor was like, we could hospitalize her or you can get these pancreatitis meds. Because we ended up doing blood work and her pancreas level was high.

John [01:16:31]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:16:32]: So they were like, it's pancreatitis. So we got her on these three day injections for the pancreatitis. And so she, like, went in for that. She still wasn't eating.

John [01:16:46]: That was the wrong choice again. I was like, it's like, you know when you're playing a slot machine and it's like, okay, pick which one. And then you're like, oh, the lowest one. And it's like, yeah, like. And then we just kept on like, damn. And now it's cost more money. Now it costs more money. Just from the beginning, just paid in whatever.

Nicole [01:17:02]: Yeah, yeah. Well. And then she still wasn't eating. And so they put a feeding tube in that also, like, pulled some of the stomach fluid out. Because one of the vets was like, her stomach's just really full of stomach fluid and she just seems really uncomfortable. So they were doing that, but she still wasn't, like, physically interested in food. They were like, sometimes when we gi. Feed them, they'll start eating actual food because they know that food is good. So she still wasn't eating. And so then they ultrasound. Did an ultrasound on her intestine. And they were like, something's in there. It's perfectly round. And I remember he called and John was there, and I was like, you think it could be a blueberry?

John [01:17:39]: I was like, no.

Nicole [01:17:40]: Yeah. John was like, no. And then even the vet was like, no.

John [01:17:44]: It's like, yeah.

Nicole [01:17:45]: Like, the vet also was like, I don't think so.

John [01:17:48]: Blueberry made it that far down there.

Nicole [01:17:50]: Like, yeah. And she doesn't eat toys or anything. So we were like, we don't think she ate something like that wasn't edible. Yeah, because she doesn't do that. So they thought it was a cyst. And then at that point, we had to decide between aspirating it or surgery. And we were gonna do aspirating. But then when they gave us the bill and it was still gonna be a lot of money, we were like, okay, half the price of surgery which

John [01:18:14]: you have to do anyway, so.

Nicole [01:18:15]: Right. So.

John [01:18:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:18:16]: And they were gonna take a part of her intestines out if it was a cyst. So we were, like, fully prepared to take part of her intestines out.

John [01:18:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:18:23]: And then when they got in there and they finished the surgery on. I think they did a Tuesday. This past Tuesday.

John [01:18:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:18:30]: So she was there for a week. They were like, it was a blueberry. And they said that they cut it open to make sure it was a blueberry, because they also couldn't believe that it was a blueberry.

John [01:18:38]: And we could have just squished it. We could have just squished.

Nicole [01:18:41]: That's what you say after the fact. But we didn't know.

John [01:18:43]: I know.

Nicole [01:18:44]: I don't. I don't give her anything that's not cut up because she has, like, five teeth.

John [01:18:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:18:48]: And she's a Hoover vacation, so I know she's going to swallow it.

John [01:18:52]: Yeah. Normally you would think stomach acid would, but blueberries have some kind of waxy coating that protects it from.

Nicole [01:18:58]: I don't risk it because I know. I know she doesn't chew.

John [01:19:01]: Just listening to you about that stuff from now on, Like, I'm not. Like, I already spent the money, but I got the T shirt.

Nicole [01:19:08]: Gave us the.

John [01:19:09]: I like the T shirt.

Nicole [01:19:10]: So it was expensive blueberry. And I jokingly was like, should I put in this little thing, like a museum? And it's like, world's most expensive blueberry. I'm still debating that. Might be a funny thing to do.

John [01:19:21]: Yeah. I don't know if I want to look at it every day.

Nicole [01:19:24]: I mean, it's sitting on our counter right now.

John [01:19:27]: Yeah. It still hasn't. It still hasn't molded her in. It's like the most indestructible freaking blueberry. I'm like, how many. It's been. How many days has this blueberry existed? Like, yet when we put freaking fruit in our refrigerator, it goes bad in. In. In, like, four hours.

Nicole [01:19:42]: You just got to keep it in.

John [01:19:43]: Your blueberry is still surviving. I don't understand, like, the indestructible blueberry.

Nicole [01:19:47]: Yeah. It's been mummified, I guess, by stomach acid. But yeah. So that's the saga. Toto's here right now. She's. You can't see her again.

John [01:19:55]: But so. But it was a good storm of things because that was going on. Like, that was going on. We had some stuff with Sophia that was going on, and I think there was some other thing on top of that. I don't know what it was. But at least, like, it created the pressure cooker, which caused me to explode, which was good because it needed to happen in order for me to realize and get there.

Nicole [01:20:21]: So, you know, it did add more onto my play. I'm like, my husband's yelling at me, and I'm not okay. I'm not okay. But no, it's because there was some

John [01:20:31]: perfectionism in there, too. Again, we're dragging. I need to. We need to wrap it up. But. But I also realized that, like, the reason why. Also why I blew up was because I was like, oh, I've been doing such a good job for the. Because we had a discussion at first, you know, with. With the Toto thing, and, like, I wasn't handling it the best. And then, like, I, like. I, like, was being proactive and, like, picked Sophie up from school, so you didn't have to, because I knew you were dealing with the stuff and, like, doing everything I could to, like, make you feel supported with Toto. And. And then I did the wrong thing, and then I really, like, doubled down on it because it was like. Because that was. I. That was also a psychological thing of, like. Yeah, okay. And then, you know, like, as soon as you mess up, then, you know, then, like, it's. Now you're worthless.

Nicole [01:21:17]: Right, Right.

John [01:21:17]: Like, there was some.

Nicole [01:21:18]: I've never said that to you. I don't know that way. I know it was internal, but.

John [01:21:22]: Yeah, but I mean, it's something you struggled with for a while. Something like, I didn't realize that I

Nicole [01:21:27]: struggled with, but damn, you didn't learn from my mistakes.

John [01:21:29]: No, because I was like, oh, yeah. Like, yeah, look at her. Like, Like. But then I was doing the same thing, so. Yeah, I just didn't realize it, so.

Nicole [01:21:38]: Yeah, that's true.

John [01:21:39]: Yeah, but. Okay, that's.

Nicole [01:21:42]: I told you we could have done a whole episode.

John [01:21:44]: I know. We should have done a whole episode on it. So, I mean, this is basically.

Nicole [01:21:47]: Yeah.

John [01:21:47]: Yeah. All right. Well.

Nicole [01:21:51]: But now we're better. Better than perfect.

John [01:21:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:21:53]: So you really should listen to all our advice.

John [01:21:55]: Exactly. It just keeps on getting better.

Nicole [01:21:57]: That's right.

John [01:21:58]: Yeah. I don't know how much more better

Nicole [01:21:59]: I can jinx us. That's another thing, too, that we had in the conversation. Stop jinxing us.

John [01:22:04]: No, but it is good to jinx because then it gets the stuff. Because if there's anything to jinx, then jinx it so that we can.

Nicole [01:22:12]: I don't think I can handle anymore at this moment right now.

John [01:22:15]: Okay.

Nicole [01:22:16]: Like, give me some time.

John [01:22:17]: Give us some time to reach out, build the resilience back up, let your aura ring say resil resilient high. Extremely high.

Nicole [01:22:25]: Yeah no mine's been saying that but I'm like I don't feel like it is.

John [01:22:30]: Mine is not. All right, if you have a question for us email us@betterthanperfectpodcastmail.com if you just want to email me and be like you jerk, no don't do that. No no it's fine. No but and then check out our website betterthanperfectpod.com I think we hardly have anyone goes to the website but go to the website. Yeah go to the website. You'll like it. There's links there.

Nicole [01:23:00]: Yeah there's a lot of stuff and if we talk about a book or something it's on there.

John [01:23:03]: Yeah, I don't know what your guys problems are. Go to the website.

Nicole [01:23:08]: Don't project that onto them.

John [01:23:11]: All right, we'll see you next time we find.