John [00:00:00]: I think the key here is you have to honestly assess these things about yourself. Because if you don't realize that when you're dating someone that the way they eat their food makes you feel weird, that's not the person for you. If you're, like, noticing that and it's, like, turning you off. If the person you're with leaves their contacts everywhere and you're like, that pisses me off so much. That's not a normal response. What, are you going to get married and he's going to leave his contacts everywhere? That's going to drive you insane.

Nicole [00:00:24]: At a conscious level, you might think something, but you should look at your subconscious tells that are telling you what you actually really think. Beyond the perfect we discover through our flaws. We complete each other. Better than perfect. We stay through every fault we find. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

John [00:00:57]: That's right.

Nicole [00:00:58]: I threw myself off because I was like, all right, welcome to.

John [00:01:01]: All right, welcome to the Better Than Perfect podcast. You should have just rolled with it.

Nicole [00:01:07]: I should have. Yeah. Too late. But, you know. But what are we talking about today? Oh, how to know you found the one.

John [00:01:16]: How do you know?

Nicole [00:01:17]: Yeah. Otherwise you'll die on your wedding day

John [00:01:20]: if you're watching Netflix.

Nicole [00:01:22]: Yeah.

John [00:01:22]: What is it called?

Nicole [00:01:23]: Something.

John [00:01:24]: Something very bad's about to happen.

Nicole [00:01:26]: Yeah.

John [00:01:26]: Going to happen.

Nicole [00:01:27]: Yeah. So. Well, what is it? How do you know? How did you know you found the one?

John [00:01:34]: It's really hard. I'm glad we have a lot of time to explain this because I think it's. It's easy, but it's hard. Like, it's easy to know. Hard to explain.

Nicole [00:01:45]: Yeah.

John [00:01:47]: One thing I did notice pretty quickly is that a lot of the cliches that people say are true.

Nicole [00:01:55]: Yeah.

John [00:01:55]: And it will piss you off, right? Like, when they're like, when you know, you know, or it happens when you least expect it. Like, all those things ended up being true.

Nicole [00:02:07]: Yeah.

John [00:02:07]: And I remember, you know, I don't think it was very long before you and I met. I, like, texted my mom and I was like, how did you know that dad was the one? Like, how do you know? Like, I don't feel like I've met anybody that I would want to marry, but, like, maybe there's something that I'm missing. You know what I mean? And I think she gave me the same sort of things. Like, you just know. You know what I mean? And so that's why, when all the cliches were true, I was like, this is annoying because you just know, end of episode, when people tell you that you. You're frustrated because you're like, well, I haven't known, but maybe I'm missing it. Like, maybe you just feel like you're. You're not picking up on the right thing.

Nicole [00:02:54]: Yeah.

John [00:02:55]: So it's hard to give people advice like that, even though, like I said, they do end up being true. I think that, you know, when we first met, it was. I was super comfortable with you very early on, which, like, wasn't totally abnormal. But I think that the level that I was comfortable with you was abnormal for, like, meeting a stranger.

Nicole [00:03:25]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:03:26]: And, like, even as we got into the date, it just felt very familiar. Also, if he stares at you like he's in love with you right away, you might be your soulmate.

Nicole [00:03:40]: True.

John [00:03:42]: But I don't think it happens in the first date even. Like, it takes time. It takes time to know, like, when you look back, like, afterwards, you're like, the signs. Right. You could be like, okay, yeah, it was really comfortable, and, like, we had a really good time. And, like, there was just this feeling there. I think, like, hindsight, you realize those things. But I do think it takes. Even if you feel different with the person.

Nicole [00:04:07]: Yeah.

John [00:04:09]: It takes time to be like, oh, this is what people are talking about. But I do think it's hard to describe how it feels when you meet the person that you want to marry. I also think, too, I talked about this in some of the other episodes. It's like, if you look at somebody and you would have a kid with them.

Nicole [00:04:34]: Yeah.

John [00:04:35]: And if the kid turned out exactly like them.

Nicole [00:04:37]: Yeah.

John [00:04:38]: That's the best sign that you could really have. You know what I mean? But that, again, that's why I'm saying it takes more time than just a first date. Because, like, you're not gonna know that. You're not gonna feel like you know the person well enough to even say that in your mind.

Nicole [00:04:55]: Right. Yeah.

John [00:04:56]: So there's a lot of little things like that I feel like. But before I go, just take over this whole thing, what would you say is how you know that it's the one? I mean, I'm even more curious to hear. Even though, like, I kind of know, but I'm curious to hear your perspective, because you weren't looking for the one. The thing is, I was looking for the one.

Nicole [00:05:17]: Yeah.

John [00:05:17]: You weren't.

Nicole [00:05:20]: Yeah, I was looking for. Not the one for.

John [00:05:23]: I wasn't for the night.

Nicole [00:05:25]: Yeah, for exactly. So. But I mean, I think the thing is, at least from my perspective, it's a matter of, okay, I had been on a lot of dates. I wasn't looking for the one. And feeling something totally different immediately, very quickly, feeling comfortable. I think that was the thing, like, being able to see myself being with you and living a life together, you know, I think those were the big things. It's just like. I don't know. It's hard to say because it's just something that's, like you said the cliche when you know. You know, even when you don't. That's not what you're.

John [00:06:22]: Even when you don't know exactly.

Nicole [00:06:24]: That's not what you want or that's what you're looking for. But I think there is some element of that. I think you have to have a broad enough set of experiences in order to be able to tell when something different. Right. It's like if you never had a hamburger before and you had a McDonald's hamburger, you'd be like, this is wonderful. This is great. You know? And then you got a Wagyu burger from the nicest restaurant, you know, Then you'd have something to compare. You know, in fact, that's not even enough to compare. You need to have, like, a bunch

John [00:07:06]: of, like, five guys.

Nicole [00:07:07]: Yeah. A bunch of different things.

John [00:07:08]: Burger King.

Nicole [00:07:09]: Yeah. And then. And then to realize, like, what the premium. To have a contrast, to see that there's something different. Right. For me, I think that was the big thing is just seeing. And for me, it was also, like, not being in. It also helped that I was in a situation where I wasn't looking. I was actually the opposite of looking. Right. And I felt like I was successful. I wasn't feeling desperate. I felt like there was plenty of women that I could date, you know, that I was in high demand and that. So there was nothing. And the reason why I'm saying this, because there was nothing pulling me, like, to push me into this relationship. Exactly.

John [00:07:54]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:55]: There was many things that were pulling the opposite direction. So for me to feel like I want to choose this, that's how I knew. Right. Because why. It was an irrational. Like, why would I. And it's not just like, irrational, like, oh, just hormones, like, you fell in love. I was dating women. There was a lot of women that were great women, but there was something that was just pulling me against all odds, against all reason and common sense, and that's into you. And that's how I. How I knew you know, that's.

John [00:08:31]: Well, we don't recommend doing how the way that John did. But the funny thing is, is that something that is similar in both of our stories is that even though I was looking for the one, like, I wanted to get married.

Nicole [00:08:45]: Yeah.

John [00:08:46]: And I was going on dates to, like, be in a serious relationship and work my way towards that. Is that the date with you?

Nicole [00:08:53]: Yeah.

John [00:08:54]: Because we met on a dating app and it said that you were like 2,000 miles away. And I'm like, how did we even match? Because, like, I don't do the whole, like, people from far away, long distance, whatever. And you were like, oh, I'm coming into, you know, the Tampa area.

Nicole [00:09:10]: Yeah.

John [00:09:10]: I was like, okay, this guy doesn't live here. I'm not doing long distance. Like, I found out through the app he doesn't live here.

Nicole [00:09:17]: Yeah.

John [00:09:18]: I'm also not just gonna hook up with him.

Nicole [00:09:20]: Right.

John [00:09:21]: But I'm a go. I'll go on a date, but I have no expectations. The thing is, is with you, I. I had genuinely no expectations.

Nicole [00:09:28]: Yeah.

John [00:09:29]: Because I was like, I'm. I already know I'm not going to get in a long term relationship with this guy.

Nicole [00:09:35]: Right.

John [00:09:36]: And I'm not going to, like, just go home with them.

Nicole [00:09:39]: Right.

John [00:09:39]: But he does interest me, like, even through the app. So I'm going to go and, like, we'll go on a date and, like, see how it goes. But I was also open to, you know, going on dates, like some people, especially if you're anxiously attached. Maybe you want to go on a date to, like, I'm going to find my husband. You know what I mean? Like, I was looking for my happily ever after, but I was not going to push anybody into that box.

Nicole [00:10:03]: Right. Yeah.

John [00:10:04]: So that's the thing is, like, even though that was my end goal, I was okay if I went on a date and it was just to talk to somebody and meet someone new. Like, that didn't make me mad or, you know, like, I wasn't like, no, the next person I go on a date with needs to be my husband. But lo and behold, you were my husband and that. And, well, like, you ended up being my husband. But I think that that was the thing also too, is that I just had no expectations.

Nicole [00:10:31]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:10:32]: And like, you obviously had no expectations either. Even though we were, like, drawn to each other because we were intrigued.

Nicole [00:10:38]: Yeah.

John [00:10:39]: There was absolutely no expectations. And I don't think that that's the main thing.

Nicole [00:10:44]: Yeah.

John [00:10:44]: But I do think that that is important. Important.

Nicole [00:10:47]: Yeah.

John [00:10:48]: That when you're dating, you can't. Man or woman, you can't be like, okay, I'm gonna find my husband. And like, you go on a date and it's like, is this gonna be my husband? Like, in your head you can't be like, or is this gonna be my wife? Like, that's so much pressure on someone else. And like, a lot of times you will, like, twist your own mind and to think and making that person better for you than they actually are.

Nicole [00:11:15]: Yeah.

John [00:11:16]: And then that's also why you don't know if you're ever, you know, feeling the feeling of knowing that they're the one. You know what I mean?

Nicole [00:11:26]: It's like a Ouija board. Like, you got to like, not try and move the thing. You just gotta let it, like, go where it's gonna go. Exactly.

John [00:11:34]: Guide you.

Nicole [00:11:35]: No. But really force the direction. Otherwise you're not gonna get the right message.

John [00:11:40]: Yeah. No, it's true. And like, even at times I would be guilty of doing this. You know what I mean? I'd be like, I'm tired of being single. Like, you know, I. I want to get married. I want to like, settle down and have the family and life that I thought of.

Nicole [00:11:57]: Yeah.

John [00:11:57]: So, like. And I still didn't like, push it hard.

Nicole [00:12:00]: Right.

John [00:12:01]: But I, I still did the same things. Like, I get. It's natural.

Nicole [00:12:05]: Yeah.

John [00:12:05]: But that's why too, I think if you do try, if you're dating, to have no expectations, that might help you. Because there is a reason people say it happens when you least expect it, because if you have no expectations, you're not gonna expect it to happen.

Nicole [00:12:24]: Yeah.

John [00:12:24]: And so that was a big part, I think, and it was funny because we both didn't have expectations. But I think another thing, like a huge thing that stood out to me with you was that I fully accepted you. You're like the first person in my life that I fully accepted. Like, even when you would leave your contacts everywhere, which they're still everywhere, like, that would have irritated me with someone else.

Nicole [00:12:58]: Yeah.

John [00:12:59]: It does not irritate me even now that, that you do that. But that would have just grinded my gears with anyone else. And I can't tell you why exactly. That you're the first person I've like, fully, fully accepted.

Nicole [00:13:16]: Yeah.

John [00:13:17]: Besides that, you're my soulmate. So maybe that's why, like, maybe that was the eye openening thing that I needed to see. But with that fully accepting of you, and I do feel like you fully accept me.

Nicole [00:13:31]: Yeah.

John [00:13:32]: I think that that's also where that comfortableness comes from. Like, we had it even on our first date. Like, it felt comfortable.

Nicole [00:13:41]: Yeah.

John [00:13:41]: But once it got further in and, like, you realized I accepted you and you accepted me and you, we, like, felt that from each other.

Nicole [00:13:49]: Yeah.

John [00:13:49]: It's just gotten more and more comfortable.

Nicole [00:13:52]: Yeah. And it moved real quickly once you. Because we did move pretty quickly.

John [00:13:57]: Yeah, we did. Which was crazy.

Nicole [00:14:00]: For a couple of dates and then went to Mexico.

John [00:14:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:04]: And then spend another couple days together and then moved in together.

John [00:14:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:09]: And then.

John [00:14:10]: Which I never thought that I would move in with another guy, but it

Nicole [00:14:15]: was, like, such an easy decision for the both of us, which was also a way of knowing. Right. Because it wasn't a hard decision. There wasn't a point where I was like, oh, maybe I shouldn't do this. It's like, no, this is just natural to do. It felt natural to do.

John [00:14:31]: Yeah, it did. Even, like, so early on, which is very weird.

Nicole [00:14:34]: But I think for guys, too. One important thing is knowing she's the one is that in order to make a choice, you have to have options. And so a lot of guys get caught up. You're not gonna find the one when you're just looking for the one and you're obsessing over. Yeah, exactly. When you have oneitis, you're looking for one girl, you have some crush on some girl, and you assume that she's the one, and you haven't even actually really dated her. A lot of guys are just trying to be like, I'm just gonna find the one. And not. They're very obsessed about just finding the one girl. But you have to have options. Just like I said with the hamburgers. Because when you have options, then you can actually make a choice. If you think you found the one and it's the only girl that you're dating or that you've dated, then probably not. Like, you just. You didn't make it. You didn't really make a choice.

John [00:15:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:35]: You just got what you got.

John [00:15:37]: You just chose one.

Nicole [00:15:38]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You just got what you got.

John [00:15:39]: Vending machine.

Nicole [00:15:40]: But if you have multiple options and you picking, then you actually have a choice, then that actually is meaningful.

John [00:15:48]: I mean, I think that's true for women as well, because you do have to have the contrast. Like you said. How do you know? And I'm not saying I do think potentially some people get it right on the first try. Like, I'm not saying that that doesn't happen. But I agree with you that when you have the variety, you'll know the contrasting difference. Yeah. And so I agree that that is important.

Nicole [00:16:13]: I think also there's another aspect of this. We talked about it a lot when we talked about the arranged marriages and stuff, is that sometimes people are too obsessed about the one, as opposed to. Look, especially if you're already in a relationship or you're already married, then make them the one in that situation in the sense that. And I don't mean like change them or cut off some limbs and fit them into a box. I'm talking about build the relationship to be such. Cause you can. Because a majority of. Even if you find the one, it doesn't mean you can't screw it up with the one. Right.

John [00:16:53]: That's true.

Nicole [00:16:55]: So the thing is that finding the one is like 10%, 90% of it is what happens afterwards is like the relationship that you build. And so finding the one is like, bonus. That's great. And I think you should try to find the one. But if you don't find the one and you do the other 90% right, you're just missing out on a little bit of a bonus. I guess I would say you can. You can't ultimately know. Right. So is the chicken or egg of the problem? Right. Is it like you find the one and then that allows you to build this wonderful relationship because you found the one? Or by building a wonderful relationship, does that help you realize that this person is the one for you? You see what I'm saying?

John [00:17:49]: I get what you're trying.

Nicole [00:17:50]: You can approach it from both ends.

John [00:17:53]: I think that it's complicated. Right. Like, I think if you are in a relationship and maybe you don't feel like they're the one. I agree with what you're saying. I think they are the one. If they're not abusing you, if you're being abused in some way, they're not the one. Like, you should have left when they started abusing you. If you haven't, that's okay, because everybody gets involved in those sort of things. But you should leave if you're being abused.

Nicole [00:18:19]: Yeah.

John [00:18:20]: If you're not being abused and you've just. You guys are not.

Nicole [00:18:24]: You're married, you're married. Let's go with. Because if you're not married.

John [00:18:29]: If you're not married, leave. If they're not the one. Sorry.

Nicole [00:18:31]: Yeah, but I mean. Yeah. Why. Why invest if there's no, like, you know, I mean, if you're. If you're already finding that they're.

John [00:18:38]: If you don't feel like the person you're with is the one and you're not married and you've been together for eight years, you should still leave that person because you're doing them a disservice. Yeah. Because they might feel like you're the one. But honestly they pro. They think that like I said is like I thought that I was like, oh, maybe I'm just missing some sort of cues. And there were cues and I missed it. No, like even if you think a man is the one, but he is. You've been together for eight years. Unless you both are agreeing that you do not want to get married.

Nicole [00:19:06]: Right.

John [00:19:07]: If you want to get married, he doesn't, then it's probably for the best that you, you move on because there is someone out there for you. And look, I felt the same way. I was like, maybe there was the one back there and I messed up and I missed the cues and I'm asking my mom. But then when I met you, I was like, no, this is different. This is different. I felt different. Like you will feel different. Like even with you, I was not an affectionate person. I wanted to be affectionate with you. Like it was totally different.

Nicole [00:19:45]: Yeah.

John [00:19:45]: But back to what I was saying about like if you're not being abused and you're married.

Nicole [00:19:52]: Yeah.

John [00:19:52]: You are with the one.

Nicole [00:19:54]: Yeah.

John [00:19:55]: That relationship. You, you made a commitment. No one forced you to walk down the aisle. They shouldn't have. If that's the case too, then maybe you need to get a divorce. But if you made a choice to commit your life to someone and it's just not feeling like the romance you want, that's fixable, that is the one for you. But your guys journey is to build the relationship that you want.

Nicole [00:20:23]: Yeah.

John [00:20:24]: Because I don't think you just end up with someone that like if you go through and get married and you made this commitment.

Nicole [00:20:31]: Yeah.

John [00:20:32]: And again, you're not being abused or you weren't forced into child wedding or whatever, you know what I mean? Like, those are excuses to leave. But like you still have the one there with you. You chose that person.

Nicole [00:20:47]: Exactly.

John [00:20:47]: That's the one. And if you're single and you've dated people and you're like, they're great, but like, I just don't have this feeling. Like you will feel it. I hate to be like, you'll feel it. I'm trying to give you examples of how you'll feel it. It'll be different to you. Maybe you'll fully accept somebody for the first time like me. Or maybe you're not affectionate and whatever. Or maybe, like, there's some other thing that maybe you'll move in with him super fast and it just feels right. And you told yourself you would never move in with the guy ever again. You know what I mean? Like, there's. There's things that you'll have told yourself.

Nicole [00:21:26]: Yeah, that you.

John [00:21:28]: That, like, you know, I'm not going to do this. Or, like, I'll know when this happens. Or, you know, I want a loving relationship, but I don't feel affectionate towards people. And then you meet somebody and you feel affectionate. Like, it's all specific to you. And I do think that everyone has the knowledge inside themselves, even if you don't feel like it. Even. Like, I was texting my mom, which, no offense to my parents, but, like, their relationship is not romantic. It is not what I had thought in my mind that I wanted.

Nicole [00:21:59]: Yeah.

John [00:22:00]: Like, I know that they care about each other, but I was going to her for advice when I didn't even look up to a relationship that operated that way. You know what I mean? Like, I had even been like, maybe I'm missing it, but I didn't. Like. Yeah, it showed itself to me. And that's why all those cliches do end up being true. And if you ask people in relationships that are happy and loving, they say the same things they say when, you know, you know, like. And it pisses people off. It pissed me off back then. Because you're like, what the hell does that even mean? Like, that doesn't help me. Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:37]: Yeah.

John [00:22:38]: But it does when you feel it. Like you said, when you get that feeling.

Nicole [00:22:42]: Yeah.

John [00:22:44]: It all makes sense. And you're like, damn them. Damn them for being right and me just not having the knowledge at the time to understand.

Nicole [00:22:52]: Yeah.

John [00:22:53]: But I think another super important thing for both men and women is that I don't think you can find the one if you are looking for something that you're not living up to.

Nicole [00:23:11]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I agree.

John [00:23:12]: Like, you cannot look for your Prince Charming when you're being an ugly stepsister. I'm sorry. Like, you can't. Like, that's not going to happen. Does ugly steps in end up with Prince Charming? No. Cinderella does because she's holding herself to these moral standards.

Nicole [00:23:27]: Yeah.

John [00:23:28]: And she has standards for the man that she wants. You know what I mean? Like, that you can't search for something that is not within you as well. And I think that that's also. Even though we're different, we're not. If that makes Sense, you and I.

Nicole [00:23:45]: It's complimentary. That's the thing. Is so like a puzzle piece fit together. Exactly. And so like if your puzzle piece is all

John [00:23:56]: got chewed up a little bit.

Nicole [00:23:57]: Yeah. Then it's like it's not.

John [00:23:59]: You gotta put it back together.

Nicole [00:24:00]: Yeah. You're gonna have a problem with that. And it can also be too that like there is no one. Because you need to work on you yourself. Yeah, exactly. Because you're just not going to be compatible with anyone. You're just an obnoxious asshole.

John [00:24:16]: True.

Nicole [00:24:17]: It's not going to work. Nothing you do is going to work. Because you're like, relationships are hard and you'll do work on yourself in the relationship, guaranteed. But you need to come already. You can't be like, this is my first time running ever. Like, you gotta at least have done some little bit of training before you get into the real deal, you know? So I think that's the thing too, is that sometimes the reason why someone can't find the one or they don't know is because they're not ready for the one. Because they're just gonna be. There's too many rough edges. They're gonna be incompatible with everyone.

John [00:24:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:59]: Well.

John [00:24:59]: And I want to say too, I think a lot of times when people are like, I found the one, it's like, oh, it's just perfect and wonderful and happy and.

Nicole [00:25:08]: Yeah.

John [00:25:08]: Nothing can be wrong. It should feel that way about the person, about the connection.

Nicole [00:25:14]: Yeah.

John [00:25:14]: But how you and I came to be was very messy. Yeah, it was very messy. And like, if you think the whole circumstance has to be perfect in order to find the one, then you will miss out on the one. Because there was a point when you finally told me the things that you were lying about.

Nicole [00:25:37]: Yeah.

John [00:25:38]: Where I had to literally be like, okay, okay, Nicole, do you go back in the dating world and find some guy that you don't really like as much? He's a nice guy, he's good, but he doesn't have a lot of, like all this bombs that just got dropped on you.

Nicole [00:25:56]: Yeah.

John [00:25:57]: Or do you take the bombs that got dropped on you, but you also get this person that you feel like you could not replace and find and like, they're the only person that you've ever really imagined yourself getting married to?

Nicole [00:26:11]: Yeah.

John [00:26:12]: What the heck? What do you do?

Nicole [00:26:13]: Yeah.

John [00:26:14]: And I'm like, I can't. Like, just to not have the bombs. Which, like, don't get me wrong, like, the bombs were bombs.

Nicole [00:26:21]: Yeah. For sure.

John [00:26:22]: But I was like, I can't just settle.

Nicole [00:26:27]: Yeah.

John [00:26:29]: To not have these bombs when I know I can't find another person like that. And I guess that's another thing too, is like, when you're with someone and you're like, I will never be able to find another person like that. Just like in the other episode, like, if, God forbid, something happened and you left me or whatever, I would not date again. I can say that with 100% accuracy because I don't think there's another person out there for me. I would just live in a little cottage and have a garden and some animals. You know what I mean? Like, that would be my reality. But that's the thing is, like, if you can't say that, like, yeah. If I had married someone else that had come along before you.

Nicole [00:27:10]: Yeah.

John [00:27:11]: And I'd gotten divorced to them, I would believe that there was someone else out there for me. You know what I mean? Like, if I'm being honest, that's shitty to say, but honestly, you shouldn't get married if you feel like there's. There is someone else out there.

Nicole [00:27:23]: Yeah. I agree.

John [00:27:24]: And like, that might sound crazy to say, but again, when you find someone that you're like, I cannot live without, and if I have to, then it's. I'm not going to have someone take their place.

Nicole [00:27:37]: Yeah.

John [00:27:38]: That's how, you know.

Nicole [00:27:40]: Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:27:43]: And I think everybody can find that person. Like you said, like, sometimes you have to look at yourself and really be like, am I there?

Nicole [00:27:52]: Yeah. Well, I think you also have to be open as well, because if you're closed off to people.

John [00:28:01]: That's true.

Nicole [00:28:02]: Then you're never going to find the depth that you're looking for because that's. A lot of people are expecting that they can protect themselves all the time.

John [00:28:14]: I was doing that to some degree.

Nicole [00:28:16]: Yeah. But you have to, like, let down that protection in order to let someone in. Otherwise you're not going to find. Because you're never going to feel the feeling of someone is the one. But I think also, and I think you probably experienced this too, when we first dated, too, is that some people, it's easier for you to let down your guard and your protection around because they make you feel safe.

John [00:28:42]: Yeah. But I didn't know why.

Nicole [00:28:44]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

John [00:28:47]: I did feel that way, but I didn't know why.

Nicole [00:28:49]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:28:50]: And so again, that's kind of why the cliches are true. Because it's like, especially in the beginning when you look back, you're like, why did I feel Like, I could let my guard down because you were some stranger guy. No. People had game. But, like, if a guy is game, you definitely don't let your guard down.

Nicole [00:29:09]: But not if it's detectable. It has to be good game.

John [00:29:12]: I let my. No, you didn't have game. You had the I'm in love with you and it's our first date stare. That must have been what it was.

Nicole [00:29:20]: That's kind of game.

John [00:29:23]: Nice try.

Nicole [00:29:24]: Yeah.

John [00:29:24]: But going back to. To the, like, messiness. Is that the circumstance?

Nicole [00:29:31]: Yeah.

John [00:29:32]: Around you two can be messy. That's just how life is going to be.

Nicole [00:29:37]: Yeah.

John [00:29:37]: But you as a couple, as a unit has to be solid.

Nicole [00:29:43]: Yeah.

John [00:29:44]: Because all the crazy things that you and I have dealt with, like, and I'm not saying that we haven't had arguments or discussions where we've been disconnected, but we've never really been truly disconnected. Like, it's never been an issue in our relationship. There's never been a moment where it's like, we don't belong together.

Nicole [00:30:05]: Yeah. I agree. Yeah.

John [00:30:07]: And that is also the key.

Nicole [00:30:09]: Yeah.

John [00:30:10]: Because you have to be a unit to deal with whatever life is going to throw at you. Because life's going to throw things at you.

Nicole [00:30:17]: Yeah.

John [00:30:18]: And if you feel like there's issues with the person that you're with and you're dealing with life, that's why it's overwhelming. That's why people like that are together are just two individuals living together.

Nicole [00:30:30]: Exactly. Yeah.

John [00:30:31]: Like, I don't feel like we're two individuals living together. I feel like, like, yes, we are individuals. We do our individual things. But more so, I feel like we are one majority of the time.

Nicole [00:30:45]: Yeah. I agree. Yeah. And you have to feel like you can be one with someone and be

John [00:30:51]: yourself and be honest. You have to be honest. Like, in the beginning, there was not a lot of honesty, but, you know, you had to be honest.

Nicole [00:31:01]: There was. And there wasn't a lot of honesty. Right. Because some of the facts of the situation were not.

John [00:31:09]: You were honest about me. You weren't honest about a lot of other things.

Nicole [00:31:13]: Yeah. So I think that's the thing, is those things were on it. It was really how I felt about you. Really? The truth.

John [00:31:22]: Well, you did prove that to me by your actions. And I think without that. Yeah. We probably wouldn't be here right now. But. But you do have to have overall honesty.

Nicole [00:31:32]: That's a good thing. It's a. It's. It's good to have that. The overall.

John [00:31:36]: It's necessary.

Nicole [00:31:37]: Well, I mean, it Wasn't necessary in our case. That's what I'm saying. It's like.

John [00:31:40]: Well, that was the very beginning. If you were doing that now, it would not be okay.

Nicole [00:31:44]: Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like to. Yeah, you're right. Right. In the relationship, you have to have honesty.

John [00:31:49]: Right?

Nicole [00:31:50]: Yeah.

John [00:31:50]: Like, even if in the beginning it's, it's. There's some. Because, look, in the beginning it makes sense. Because even if you have that good connection.

Nicole [00:31:59]: Yeah.

John [00:31:59]: You're not going to show all your cards to someone you've been on three dates with.

Nicole [00:32:03]: Yeah.

John [00:32:03]: And a vacation. Like, you still. You still lived on this side of the country and I lived on the other side of the country.

Nicole [00:32:10]: Yeah.

John [00:32:10]: Like, I don't think that is. Even though it was technically still lying. I get why you withheld it for a certain amount of time.

Nicole [00:32:19]: Yeah.

John [00:32:20]: It was still a little too long. But you shouldn't have been doing it anyway. But I'm trying to say is, like, when you're first getting to know somebody, you don't have to show them all your cards. We say that all the time. You don't have to tell them all your secrets. You don't have to, like, you know, if you're dating with kids, I don't think you should have to tell someone you have a kid, like, right away. Like, I think, I mean, if you want to, you can. I'm all about, like, transparency, but I also think that, like, you also have to see if you even like this person. So, like, if you don't tell them you have a kid till the third date or whatever, I don't think that's an issue. But. And I don't think that's lying. I think that's protecting your child. But regardless of the tangent I just went on is that, like, you can't, like you said, though, you can't have the intimacy and the depth.

Nicole [00:33:11]: Yeah.

John [00:33:11]: If you don't open up and you can't be open with not telling the truth without having honesty, and you can't fully be yourself and you can't fully be comfortable.

Nicole [00:33:20]: Yeah.

John [00:33:20]: If you don't have those things.

Nicole [00:33:23]: Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

John [00:33:25]: And so I don't think we can, like, like, give you a checklist of how to find the one. But hopefully we did a little bit better than just when you know, you know or happens when you least expect it. We tried to at least explain those things.

Nicole [00:33:44]: Yeah. I mean, you can, you can make. You can figure out when you, when you haven't found the one.

John [00:33:49]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:33:49]: Yeah. Which is, you know, you've got the. Especially when you're in like a toxic relationship pattern or. And I think to a degree where, you know, attachment styles can play into it too, where, especially if you're avoidant and they're anxious, you're anxious and they're avoidant and you're playing that game, that can be the toxicity that makes you. That you can know that that's not the one. Because what's drawing you in is the fucked upness of the relationship. The toxicity is what's drawing you. So you have to really say, is it the toxic situation or is it the person?

John [00:34:31]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:31]: Because you can be attracted to the toxic situation or the drama of it or trying to get the validation that you couldn't get, which makes someone obsess about someone. And I think it's also like.

John [00:34:43]: But you can also be the one and get stuck. Stuck in bad situations like that as well too. Like bad attack. If something could happen, like. Yeah, you can feel like someone's the one and then if something bad happened, can.

Nicole [00:34:58]: Yeah.

John [00:34:58]: You know how you respond to that could make me anxious and you could be more avoidant. And Yeah. I don't think that that means that we're not the one. But I know what you're saying is that in the beginning, if it's toxic, if it's just like that's the way that you're getting attraction to each other.

Nicole [00:35:15]: Exactly.

John [00:35:15]: That's not it. That's not the feeling. That's not, you know, that's not the chemistry.

Nicole [00:35:20]: Yeah. And it should be. I think the other part we didn't talk about too is that it should be mutual. I mean, that should go without saying. But if you're obsessed with someone, but they're not obsessed with you, then that's not the match. That's not the one.

John [00:35:36]: They don't think you're the hottest person in the world.

Nicole [00:35:39]: Yeah.

John [00:35:40]: What are you doing?

Nicole [00:35:41]: Exactly. Yeah.

John [00:35:43]: Like your person will think that.

Nicole [00:35:45]: Yeah.

John [00:35:46]: So no matter what. And I think. Well, mentioning that too. I think you had mentioned this and I mentioned it, that also too, before we were with each other, that maybe we were a little bit more shallow.

Nicole [00:36:01]: No.

John [00:36:02]: And did notice other people in other relationships, but that's not the case. Or like lose attraction or something like that. But that hasn't been the case for us either. And I think too that you have to. I think the key here is you have to honestly assess these things about yourself. Like I'm sitting here telling you that like I never appreciated someone fully for who they are. Like, little things would piss me off. Like, I'm being vulnerable here and telling everybody on the Internet these things.

Nicole [00:36:34]: Yeah.

John [00:36:35]: Because you have to be honest with yourself.

Nicole [00:36:38]: Yeah.

John [00:36:39]: Because if you don't realize that, like, when you're dating someone that, like, the way they eat their food makes you feel weird.

Nicole [00:36:47]: Right. Yeah.

John [00:36:48]: That's not the person for you. If you're, like, noticing that and it's, like, actively turning you off or. Or like, if the person you're with leaves their contacts everywhere and you're like, that pisses me off so much. You know what I mean? Like, okay, that's not a normal response. Like, that's not the person for you. Then, like, what, are you gonna get married and he's gonna leave his contacts everywhere? That's gonna drive you insane.

Nicole [00:37:10]: Yeah.

John [00:37:11]: Like, and that might sound nitpicky, but it's. But really, it's.

Nicole [00:37:16]: It's not the thing.

John [00:37:17]: It's not the alignment.

Nicole [00:37:18]: Well, it's. It's. It's not the thing. It's. It's a good way of detecting how you actually feel at a subconscious level.

John [00:37:27]: Right.

Nicole [00:37:28]: About the person. Right. So it's like at a conscious level, you might think something, but you should look at your subconscious tells that are telling you what you actually really think.

John [00:37:40]: Right.

Nicole [00:37:41]: Right. Because I think that's. Otherwise, you can gloss over those things because you just want this to be the one. So I think that's why that is a good example, is that subconsciously, if the contacts are bothering you or something, the way they chew their food is bothering you or whatever.

John [00:37:58]: But I don't even think it's about them. You know what I mean? Like, I think subconsciously, it's like I'm being triggered by this thing, which is a normal thing.

Nicole [00:38:07]: Yeah.

John [00:38:08]: For them.

Nicole [00:38:09]: Right.

John [00:38:09]: But it's off putting to me. So this is not the person.

Nicole [00:38:12]: Yeah.

John [00:38:12]: That I'm meant to be with. And also, too, I think a lot of people, especially the people who go on dates and they're, like, trying to find the one. And they're like, oh, it's been forever. And again, I was that person.

Nicole [00:38:22]: Yeah.

John [00:38:24]: You have to view the things like I just said where I'm like, oh, that's off putting as the universe or whatever you want to call it.

Nicole [00:38:34]: Yeah.

John [00:38:35]: Directing you towards your person. Because so many people get pissed off. They're like, I got to go on more dates. I got to, like, meet more people. Like. Yeah. You're getting a chance to get closer and closer to Finding the one. If you view it as a pain in the ass.

Nicole [00:38:51]: Right.

John [00:38:52]: Then how is that energy going to bring you the person that you're looking for?

Nicole [00:38:57]: Yeah, well, like I said, you got to have options in order to make a choice. So that's, you know, you need some contrast. I think also there's like a more like an aspect of synchronicities that we definitely use.

John [00:39:13]: Synchronicities.

Nicole [00:39:14]: Yeah. Because, you know, I mean that at least there was a lot of different. It's almost like things are working out when they shouldn't work out. I think those synchronicities that happen, that kind of. I mean, synchronicities, I think, is just a guidepost for life when you're on the right track. As you start seeing these synchronicities appear, that couldn't be.

John [00:39:41]: You can't doubt them.

Nicole [00:39:42]: Exactly.

John [00:39:43]: They're just blatantly in your face.

Nicole [00:39:44]: Yeah. It's giving you guidance. And I think we encountered a lot of synchronicities that.

John [00:39:50]: We still do.

Nicole [00:39:50]: Yeah, we still do. For sure.

John [00:39:52]: Or I do. I still do.

Nicole [00:39:53]: Yeah.

John [00:39:54]: I don't know if it was this episode or the other episode, but I looked at the thing. It must have been the other one.

Nicole [00:39:59]: It was 37.

John [00:40:00]: It was 37. Yeah. Like, it still happens. And like you said, I just take that every time as confirmation that I made the right choice. Not that I didn't know that.

Nicole [00:40:11]: Yeah.

John [00:40:12]: But it's like I'm still being shown that even though I already knew.

Nicole [00:40:16]: You have to guess a number between

John [00:40:20]: 1 and 100 in your head.

Nicole [00:40:22]: No, no, it wasn't 1 in 100, though. It was the one. It was. No, there was no limit.

John [00:40:25]: It was 1 in 100.

Nicole [00:40:26]: There was no limit. I mean, practically most people aren't going to choose a number that's above. If you ask someone for a random number, they're not going to choose like 1,365,000 and whatever.

John [00:40:38]: If you did and you got both. Got that. You're definitely sold me. But that's definitely the one.

Nicole [00:40:43]: But we did. I did ask you to pick a number between 1 and 10. And then.

John [00:40:49]: And then we did that twice and we got the same number.

Nicole [00:40:51]: Yeah. And then I said, okay, just pick a number.

John [00:40:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:40:56]: And then it was 37, so.

John [00:40:59]: And the number was in my head, so I know John didn't make it.

Nicole [00:41:02]: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:41:05]: So, no, but like, even if you don't do that. But I do feel like a lot of people have synchronicities in those ways.

Nicole [00:41:13]: Yeah.

John [00:41:14]: And like you said, I do think they're like guideposts along the way to show you that you're on the right path and that like, this is where you're meant to be at and like, it doesn't have to have those things. But I think that if you notice the feeling, you'll also notice these other things aligning in your life as well too. And like you said, like, against all odds. Like, I hate when people are like, right person, wrong time. No, if it's the wrong time and it didn't work out, it wasn't the right person.

Nicole [00:41:43]: And I think, I mean, you're reading the Seed of the Soul right now, right. I think in the Seed of the Soul talks about the idea that, like, how far are you in it? Like halfway. Yeah, I think, I think, I think in that book talks about the idea that like, you can't fuck it up.

John [00:41:58]: Is that, that's how I've always felt

Nicole [00:42:00]: like, you, you can't mess up like, like it, it's. There's no way you can fuck up your life.

John [00:42:05]: I mean, if you think about it, if you believe that we come here with soul contracts that we. And in the book he also says this, that we pick how our life goes.

Nicole [00:42:16]: Right.

John [00:42:16]: Which is hard for people to comprehend, but that's what a lot of people say that we do, is we pick how our life goes. Including all the shitty things.

Nicole [00:42:25]: Yeah.

John [00:42:27]: So if we decide that, how would we miss out on the things that we're supposed to have in this life?

Nicole [00:42:34]: Yeah, exactly. So.

John [00:42:36]: And you do have to have that confidence. I do believe in that. Like, I know that you're like, fix the thing. Which I'm not saying I'm, I'm against. Like, if you're in a relationship, you should fix it and you can make it better.

Nicole [00:42:49]: But that's, but if you're single. Yeah.

John [00:42:52]: You know, like, don't give up on what you want. Like, if that's what you want, you have to believe in it again. You have to raise yourself.

Nicole [00:43:02]: Yeah.

John [00:43:02]: To meet what you want. You can't be like, not doing anything, not holding yourself accountable and then expect this high level relationship.

Nicole [00:43:12]: Right.

John [00:43:13]: Like, that's. You're not aligned with it. It's not going to happen. But I think that people mess themselves up by being like, oh, the one that got away. Or yeah. You know, right person, wrong time. It's like, no. Because even if it's the right person, wrong time, you believe that.

Nicole [00:43:32]: Yeah.

John [00:43:32]: You have some other things you need to go through and then you will get that person and that will have been the right time.

Nicole [00:43:38]: Exactly. Yeah.

John [00:43:39]: You know what I mean? Like, so all of the excuses for why people aren't with the person that they think they're meant to be with, that's either not the person you're meant to be with.

Nicole [00:43:49]: Yeah.

John [00:43:50]: Or you got some other stuff you have to go through.

Nicole [00:43:54]: Yeah.

John [00:43:55]: In order to be with that person.

Nicole [00:43:57]: But. Yeah, but I like the. I like the idea that you can't mess it up.

John [00:44:01]: No.

Nicole [00:44:01]: That like your life is a pronoia type of, you know, everything is. It takes a lot of pressure off. Like you can't fuck. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't think about the things that you're doing. But. But it just means that no matter what, you either have to learn a lesson that you don't know or you do know it and you're going to do the. But either way, you've got to gain that you're there for a purpose. Every mess up is not really a mess up. It's just a learning experience that you needed. Obviously, if you didn't need it, then it wouldn't happen. If you already knew the lesson, then I think that's just a good way to look at life in general. And then.

John [00:44:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:42]: Then takes the pressure off. Then it's like, okay, you will find the one if that's what you're supposed to do.

John [00:44:48]: Yeah. That doesn't mean, like you said, you just do whatever you want and like, you don't have to work on yourself.

Nicole [00:44:54]: No.

John [00:44:55]: Because I think people, you know, they're like, oh, well, someone will just love me the way I am. Yeah, they should love you the way you are, but you should still be working to be the best version of yourself.

Nicole [00:45:08]: Yeah. Because that's also part of who you are is like someone who works to be the best person.

John [00:45:12]: That's why we're here.

Nicole [00:45:13]: Right. So.

John [00:45:14]: Yeah, supposedly.

Nicole [00:45:15]: Yeah.

John [00:45:15]: You know, that's why we're all here. That's why with the soul contract thing, if that's what you believe, like we're here to learn some lesson.

Nicole [00:45:25]: Yeah.

John [00:45:26]: That's why we pick even the crazy things that we go through.

Nicole [00:45:30]: Yeah.

John [00:45:31]: And I mean, we're getting a little spiritual here, but I do think there is a spiritual aspect to it because even if you're not spiritual, even if you don't have a magical number like we have.

Nicole [00:45:42]: Yeah.

John [00:45:43]: You will feel different with the person that is the one. And that is, I think, a spiritual thing for sure. Whether, like again, you believe in it or not, you'll feel different. And whether you feel like that is this, like, confirmation from the universe or whatever you think it is, you will know.

Nicole [00:46:04]: Yeah.

John [00:46:04]: Like. And again, I hate to be so cliche and be like, when you know, you know. But again, if you ask people that are in loving relationships.

Nicole [00:46:14]: Yeah.

John [00:46:15]: They say the same thing.

Nicole [00:46:16]: Yeah.

John [00:46:18]: So not 37, but.

Nicole [00:46:24]: All right, I guess we should wrap this one then.

John [00:46:27]: Do you think we missed out anything?

Nicole [00:46:29]: I don't think so. I mean, there's just not a huge amount. I mean, we did talk about a lot of stuff, but there's not as much because ultimately, when you know, you know it's really the final answer.

John [00:46:43]: Yeah, that's true. I think if you're honest with yourself and like I said, like, kind of know how you operate, and then when you meet somebody that goes against those things or, like, you have this, like, unconditional love, maybe that's also a good way to view it is like having unconditional love for someone that you've never really had. Because, let's be honest, like, most of us grow up and then we kind of believe in conditional love.

Nicole [00:47:15]: Yeah.

John [00:47:15]: And then definitely when we're dating, we believe in conditional love. And then when we finally find someone that we feel like is the one, it is kind of this unconditional love.

Nicole [00:47:25]: Yeah.

John [00:47:25]: And maybe that's why the contact things don't bother me, because I even love that about you, which is crazy, is

Nicole [00:47:32]: you're making a Christmas ornament from my.

John [00:47:36]: I'll have to bring it in there. In here. Be like, I have collected a lot of contact. People are going to be like, she's so weird. But, you know, if you found the one, you'll understand where I'm coming from.

Nicole [00:47:49]: You just have to have matching weirdnesses.

John [00:47:52]: That's very true.

Nicole [00:47:53]: Yeah.

John [00:47:54]: They have to complement each other.

Nicole [00:47:56]: All right, well, that's it for this episode. If you have a question for us, you can always email us@betterthanperfectpodcastmail.com check out the website betterthanperfectpod.com and we'll see you next week.