John [00:00:00]: If I yell, I'm done, Whatever my grievance, because I'm supposed to be a leader. So if I yell, if I'm stepping out there, then I don't have any right to, like, demand anything from you because I've already messed up. However, you know, if I calmly tell you when you're making a mistake and to own up to it and you don't, then it's going to be a violation of my trust. I felt like, for me, this was something that I just needed to learn, was like, no matter what, John, you're the leader. There's no excuse ever. If you're not acting in alignment, then you can't be leading because you always have to be in alignment if you're leading beyond the perfect, we do discovered through our flaws, we complete each other. Better than perfect. We stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:00:56]: That's right. And we're back after. It's an eventful event that happens.

John [00:01:03]: Yeah. It's been a while since we recorded episode, but, I mean, you know, because we're on top of it, there's no lag, you know, so.

Nicole [00:01:10]: Yeah, but we were getting dangerously close, so it's going to be a marathon day today.

John [00:01:14]: Yeah, it's been four weeks, so we got to record some episodes, but. Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:19]: Well, why don't you tell them why it's been four weeks?

John [00:01:22]: Well, if you recall the last episode, I talked about the Spartan race that I was going to do, and I did do the Spartan race, and the Spartan race did me, basically. So, yeah. Long story short is that in the race, I tore my bicep. Complete distal tendon rupture. So complete tear of the. The distal tendon of my bicep on the right arm. So this one here, you can't really see that it's torn.

Nicole [00:02:00]: Not from this far either.

John [00:02:01]: No. But you have a tendon that connects here to your forearm, and that's what pulls. But apparently you can live a normal life without that, so I didn't get it repaired. We'll talk about why. But, yeah, so that happened. And then I also completely severed my quad tendon and my left leg.

Nicole [00:02:23]: Well, you had 20% left.

John [00:02:25]: Oh, yeah, 20%, which you were using.

Nicole [00:02:29]: A lot of the 20% before.

John [00:02:32]: Yeah. So basically, I ran the race and I was trying to be safe and pace myself, and I was like, oh, there's a Big hill at the beginning of the, of the race. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to be smart about this. And you know, I'm training. I'm on 75 hard day. 63 it was. And I started off nice and slow. Everyone was passing me. And then when we got to downhill, I was flying past people because no one was really training for hills. And so I was like, okay, this is going to be a good race. And then the very first obstacle was a seven foot wall. And for some, I don't know what reason, I climbed up the seven foot wall and said to jump off of it. So I jumped straight off of the seven foot wall. Smash both of my feet on the ground. I thought I broke all the bones in my feet. I probably weakened the quad tendon. I might have partially torn it right then. That might have been what happened because it was, I mean, it was hard ground trails. So I thought I was like, oh, I'm like, I just smashed my feet. I smashed all the bones in my feet. Great, smart, Great on the first because it hurt like hell. It was like, you know, a belly flop for your feet. And I was like, okay, I don't know if I can even keep on running, but I was able to run with a limp. My right foot was actually the most hurt and every step hurt. But I was like, okay, this is a spartan race, so you gotta be a Spartan, right? So I get to the third obstacle and the third obstacle is the one I was kind of fearing, the monkey bars because I tore my pec about 20 years ago and never got that repaired. And for some reason it just makes the monkey bars hard just the way that you do it. But I got to the last rung of the monkey bar. We have to ring this bell. And as I was about to ring the bell, I heard a pop and I fell to the ground because my. And I knew right then I, I tore that, that bicep. So.

Nicole [00:04:18]: And you were having like some pain in that bicep?

John [00:04:20]: Yeah, I had some tendinitis, which I should have realized. So. Yeah. So then I was like, okay, I'm one mile in. It's like a six mile race. There's 23 obstacles. I'm on the third one.

Nicole [00:04:34]: Yeah, I hadn't even seen you at this point.

John [00:04:36]: Yeah, I was just like, all right, I'm gonna just continue this race because at this point I know that my, my bicep tendon is torn and I'm just gonna be screwed. So I might as well at least finish the Race. I can do it with one arm, you know. And so I'm climbing over these obstacles with one arm, pulling myself over, just barely using the other arm. And then I get five miles in, so I run another four miles. My foot, my right foot is hurting like hell.

Nicole [00:05:01]: Well, by the time I saw you, there was another monkey bars. And you like. And at that point I was like, something's wrong. Cause John would've like at least attempted the monkey bars. Like, when I saw you just skipped that, I was like, something's not right. Like something happened. But I didn't get to see you as a spectator until the eighth obstacle. So all this stuff had happened at the beginning and I didn't see any of it.

John [00:05:26]: No. And I tried a second monkey bars after I tore it just to see. Cause I was like, I'm pretty sure I tore this thing, but I was like, oh, yeah, we're not doing this.

Nicole [00:05:34]: So that was the third monkey.

John [00:05:35]: That was the third one. And so you could, if you skip an obstacle, you have to run like a penalty lap or whatever. So I did that. But then I was five miles in at this point. So one mile to go. You know, I'm doing good for my feet hurting in my arm being busted up. But I was like, okay, let's just finish this thing. So there's this obstacle where you have to take the 60 pound sack, right? Put it over your shoulder, which is hard to do with the broken arm, but whatever I did, it climbed up the hill, and then you got to climb down the hill and drop off the sack. And so on the way down the hill, there's a bunch of people in front of me and I'm getting a little impatient. I'm like, okay, I'm doing good pace. So I'm like. And they're walking down the hill and I'm like, all right, I can jog down this hill with this sack. And reasonably I would be able to do that because I do trail running, running down a hill. But considering all the injuries and that There was a 60 pound sack on my shoulder and I didn't have trail running shoes and the trail was pretty loose dirt. I probably shouldn't have done it. But immediately, as soon as I started to run down the hill, I immediately lost traction and I fell backwards. And there just happened to be a metal rebar pole sticking out of the ground that they had roped off the course. And I don't know exactly what happened, but I fell backwards. And I remember seeing the pole and being like, oh, fuck, I'M going to get impaled by this pole. And excuse my language, but I was like. And I fell backwards and I think the pole went into my knee. It didn't pierce the skin, but I think it went into my knee, maybe under my kneecap. Somehow it severed my quad tendon. Because when I was on the ground, I went to look down at my knee and I thought, okay, there's going to be a pole sticking out of this knee because that thing fucking jabbed into my knee. But there wasn't. But I went to bend my knee just to test, and the kneecap comes up out of the skin.

Nicole [00:07:30]: Yeah.

John [00:07:30]: And I was like, oh. Because what happened was the quad tendon at the top holds your kneecap down. You got a patella tendon from your shin that's holding it. Like you got these two tendons and you got the kneecap in the middle. And so this, this one was severed. So when I bent my knee, my kneecap went bleep just like that. I almost. That's where I started to feel like when you see your kneecap go like this, you start to like, that's where the, the shocks. You get woozy. Like you're like, oh, I'm injured bad. I'm not getting back up.

Nicole [00:07:59]: Yeah.

John [00:07:59]: So they had to wheel me, like get an ATV vehicle, whatever golf cart thing and take me out and. Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:07]: Make a makeshift splint out of like some cardboard.

John [00:08:10]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:10]: And they wanted him to go in the ambulance, but he was like, no, my wife's here. And then I'm like, maybe we should go to the hospital. But we ended up going to the urge care.

John [00:08:18]: Yeah. And that was day 63 of 75, hard. And I tried to continue after that, but no, it was.

Nicole [00:08:24]: And then everyone thought John also had black eyes. Cuz he had put on this like warrior paint that everyone that I sent pictures to of him all busted up was like, did is his eyes okay? I'm like, yeah, he just. Yeah, that was his makeup.

John [00:08:38]: So then I. When I went and got the MRIs and all that stuff, it turned out that, yeah, complete. I knew I had the complete bicep tear. I told the doctor when I went in there, I was like, yeah, this is torn. You know, and she's like, yeah, that's torn. So it turned out that the MRI showed that the quad tear was. Which was interesting because I had, in the time period, like in the one week that I had had the injury, I had rehabilitated my leg. It was still swollen, but I was able to Walk. I was able to, like, bend my knee. Like, you know, I was getting back into use. But the doctor, the surgeon, he was like, yeah, you're doing it now somehow, but in 10 years, you're not gonna be able to walk.

Nicole [00:09:19]: Yeah. You only had 20%.

John [00:09:21]: Yeah. So he was like, you need to get it retached. So I went into surgery, got that done, and that was the worst. Waking up from surgery was the worst pain of my life.

Nicole [00:09:29]: And that was like, two weeks ago. A little over two weeks ago. Three days of you got the surgery.

John [00:09:34]: Nine out of ten, pain, just nothing. It's like, basically the pain was like, if you've ever bumped your knee cap, like, on something, like on a table or something, you know, you run into something and you hit your kneecap or your funny bone, but. But your kneecap, you know, you've kneecapped yourself and it, like, it's like that sting where you're like, oh. But then it goes away after, like, you know, 10, 20 seconds. Imagine if it never went away.

Nicole [00:09:58]: Yeah.

John [00:09:59]: For, like, days. That's what it was. Literally. Because they drilled holes into my kneecap, you know, that's what. What it was.

Nicole [00:10:05]: So anchor it back on there.

John [00:10:06]: Yeah. So. Yeah. But getting better. I'm not supposed to be walking on it, but I started walking on day five.

Nicole [00:10:14]: Yeah, he got in trouble for that yesterday as a post op appointment, but.

John [00:10:17]: Supposed to be on crutches, but.

Nicole [00:10:19]: So since all this has been going on, we thought the topic for today would be, you know, kind of like, and in sickness and in health and, like.

John [00:10:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:10:28]: What that really looks like when your partner is down and out and, you know, things like that. It's been. It's been a lot going on. John can't drive.

John [00:10:39]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:10:40]: You know.

John [00:10:40]: Yeah. You've been taking care of me since. I mean, since the injury. And then definitely after the surgery, then it was.

Nicole [00:10:45]: Yeah.

John [00:10:46]: You know, so that. It's a lot of. A lot of stress.

Nicole [00:10:50]: It is a lot. It's a lot. But it's also, like, so comforting. Like, I mean, you're the one that got injured, but, like, if I put myself in your shoes, it would be nice to know that you have somebody that has your back, you know, and is gonna pick up that, you know, extra slack. And I know you would do that if the tables were turned. It's just been a lot of stuff, like, besides just with your, you know, injury. Like, our daughter's birthday party was a few days ago, and then now it's all like, you know, me taking care of all this stuff. So it's just been like a lot on top of even like what we're going through, you know, so. But it makes me really appreciate, you know, I remember as a kid my dad had a bunch of back surgeries and my parents both worked and then they had to deal with me and my brother. So it did give me a lot of appreciation for my own mom and like parents and other parents that are maybe going through something like we're going through and then they have kids and they're working on top of it because, I mean, it does help not having to go into a job and worry about that stress.

John [00:12:02]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:03]: Because it's been a lot, you know, with all the other things going on. But like I said, it's. That's like kind of the beauty too of getting married and finding a partner that like, you have their back and they have your back and, you know, even though it's been stressful, like, I, I want to help you get back to being able to do all the things that you wanted to do before.

John [00:12:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:29]: So it's definitely been, though, a testament to that part of your vows, you know.

John [00:12:35]: Yeah. For sure.

Nicole [00:12:36]: Not that I, like I said, not that I don't want to do that, but.

John [00:12:39]: Yeah, it's hard.

Nicole [00:12:39]: I think people just think of all the, you know, good times and like, they don't think about, like, what if somebody gets sick and. Or what if somebody gets hurt badly and now you're picking up all the slack. Like people don't think about that until you're in it.

John [00:12:54]: Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:12:55]: It's a lot different dealing with it. But I am very lucky that you appreciate all the things that I've been doing as well too, because that's also important. And then it's made me appreciate the things that you do that you can't do right now.

John [00:13:09]: I know I couldn't bring you coffee in the morning, now I can, but I couldn't for a while. I couldn't do a lot of stuff that I would normally do.

Nicole [00:13:18]: Well, yeah, just like if you've gotten the bicep though, there's no way that I could have like taken care of you single handedly with both things.

John [00:13:27]: Oh. And that, and that's part of the reason why I didn't do the bicep is like, I don't. You could. You can not do the bicep and you'll have 90% functionality. But I was gonna do it originally, but then when we thought through it, I was like, if I can't Move my leg and I can't use crutches. What is gonna. How will we even. I don't know how we would have survived. It would have been.

Nicole [00:13:46]: No, you would have to go to a rehab facility or something where they, like use a machine to pick you up or something if they needed to, like, put you in a harness or something.

John [00:13:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:13:56]: Or they have more just like, you know, medical things that could make it easier.

John [00:14:01]: But. Yeah, but I think it's a good test. I mean, it's like, you know, when something happens to you, how does your partner respond in the relationship?

Nicole [00:14:09]: Don't go and break your knees and stuff just to test your partner.

John [00:14:14]: No, but even just being sick and stuff, like, you know, if you're not. I think a lot of guys fear that. I mean, I think it is important for a guy to select a good woman, too, because. And a woman who truly loves him rather than, hey, yeah, you could get girls with money. Sure. Right. You could get girls by being high status or whatever, you know, whatever kind of thing that you attract. But if it's not a genuine connection that you have built and have not built the relationship, then what happens when you can't make money anymore? Or what happens when you're not that physical specimen anymore or you're, you know, you're. You're crippled or disabled or what something. And then, then you got nothing. Right. And I think a lot of guys are afraid of that. But. But, you know, obviously I was never afraid of that with.

Nicole [00:15:01]: Yeah, well, I think everybody is afraid of it because. Don't quote me, okay, But I've heard that there's a statistic that men actually leave women when they're sick more than women leave men, which might be hard to believe because I know men think that women will leave them if they, like, lose their job or things like that. So they would assume that women would leave if they got sick or something like that. But I did hear. I'm not saying it's true that men actually leave women when they're sicker in, like a situation like this more often than vice versa. But it's understandable to be afraid of, like, not being able to live up to the capacity temporarily or maybe even permanently because, you know, some people become paralyzed or something and that changes their whole life. But, oh, yeah, when you're. When you make that vow and that commitment, though, you should make it knowing that you're gonna love that person no matter what. Like, you shouldn't say, yeah, I'll love you in sickness and in health. And then things happen and then you don't. Like, I don't know, you're like, now I don't think I can. Or.

John [00:16:15]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:16:15]: Because then it's like, do you love them the way that you thought? Because even if you were stuck like this forever, I would still love you just as much as I love you before. It doesn't make it harder. Yeah, but that doesn't. Like the love that I have for you makes it worth it, whether it's easy or hard.

John [00:16:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:16:34]: So, you know, it's easier to put yourself in these shoes when you're getting a taste of it, you know, like if your husband's injured or your wife is sick right now and they're going to get better, but sometimes, like they don't get better and sometimes it's a long time and that doesn't make it easy, especially for the other part, like the partner going through it and the partner taking care of everything. But if you love somebody so much, that does help you get through it and you want to like, be there to help your partner and things like that. You don't view it as like something that.

John [00:17:13]: It's a burden, right?

Nicole [00:17:15]: Yeah, like something that I have to deal with this.

John [00:17:17]: And it can be a lot worse. I mean, my dad, my mom, before she passed, she had Parkinson's and my dad was the primary caretaker for her for seven years.

Nicole [00:17:29]: Yeah.

John [00:17:30]: Maybe even a little bit longer than that before. And towards the end, the last few years, I mean, it's, you know, we had, he had some help as well. But it is still a full time job. Like, you're completely taking care of someone who you can't, who can't even really communicate with you, who, like, it's, it's a big.

Nicole [00:17:47]: You're watching them, like watching deteriorate. Yeah.

John [00:17:50]: Yeah. So that's a, you know, that's, that can happen and that's. And that's a real test of, of your commitment of. Because that's the thing that you promise, you know.

Nicole [00:18:00]: Right. Yeah. It's easy to make that promise when everything's going fine, but you know, when you're faced with it and I mean, they have specific therapy for caregivers.

John [00:18:11]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:12]: And it's so hard being in that situation because you know, you know what your partner's going through and you don't want to take away from that. But also you're going through something insanely. And so it's also like this internal battle of like. Well, I can't complain that this is hard because, like they're going through this, but it is hard.

John [00:18:37]: But it is hard because it's gonna disrupt your life. Just like, even just this with my leg. I mean, you had to be sleeping on the couch, right? Because after the surgery, I couldn't get up the stairs. And so, you know, Nicole has to sleep on the couch. You had to sleep on the couch with me.

Nicole [00:18:54]: But I didn't want you to have to sleep down there on your own.

John [00:18:56]: Yeah, I know. But you're not getting good sleep and, you know, and you're having to do all this stuff. Like, it's a lot that it's gonna disrupt your life. You know, it's not just me going through. So you're going through it together. But one thing that I think good that came out of it too, for me was just letting you help me, letting you do stuff for me. Because a lot of times I'm just like, I maybe rob you of some of your femininity because I wanna do stuff for you all the time, and I don't let you do stuff for me that often. And so this kind of let me relax into, like, oh, okay, well, because I can't. So then at first I was a little bit more resistant, but then I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, go ahead and make me some food or go ahead and grab me this, or, you know, or even asking you to. Like, I normally don't ask people to do stuff for me. Like, I never ask people to do stuff for me, but I was asking you, yeah, could you do this for me? And I think it's a good thing. It made me feel more. It's almost like sometimes you have to do that as a man. It's almost like. Because I was talking to one of my friends about this too, and I was like, yeah, maybe you need to ask your wife to do stuff for you. And that actually allows her to be more in her feminine because she can feel more nurturing because she feels like she's doing something that. In a nurturing capacity. And so I think there's. For me, it kind of just clicked that. John, maybe you need to not all the time be like, no, I can just handle everything myself. Even if you can just be like, hey, hey, could you do this for me? Because that actually makes another person feel good when they can do something for you.

Nicole [00:20:34]: Yeah, that makes sense. Because I know at first you were like, let me do it on my own. I'm like, this is the time for you to let me do these things for you. Because I don't want you to hurt yourself and I don't want you to feel like you have to prove yourself by doing these things.

John [00:20:50]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:50]: You know, but yeah, I mean, their lessons come from things like this all the time. And yeah, like I said, I have a new appreciation for like the people who are doing this in different capacities, like with even less time and energy because they have other things than what I'm even dealing with right now.

John [00:21:12]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:14]: And I just want you to be able to get back to your level, you know, that you were at before. And I know that's important to you. And even though you got in trouble with the doctor at the post op appointment for going too fast, like, we just. Everybody just wants you to be able to do the things that you want to do again.

John [00:21:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:35]: So.

John [00:21:36]: But yeah, and I think what I was going to say as well, like, it also. I think it's worth talking about how it puts a lot of stress on the relationship too.

Nicole [00:21:45]: Right. Yeah, it does.

John [00:21:47]: Because it's tough because we're both dealing with tough stuff. And so we actually got into it a little bit, but not too, too bad. But I think good came out of it in resolving the issues that came from that. But yeah, we had a whole peeing in the cup incident where we had a raising cane's and Nicole went upstairs and she's like, don't pee in the cup. I'll wait for me to help you get to the bathroom, whatever. And at that point I was in so much pain that I was like, I actually did pee in the cup.

Nicole [00:22:24]: Well, I asked you if you needed to go to the bathroom too, and you said no.

John [00:22:27]: And then I come downstairs and I.

Nicole [00:22:29]: Didn'T pee in the cup. I'm like, why didn't you just tell me?

John [00:22:33]: Yeah, yeah, but yeah. Cause I didn't feel like I had to at the time. And then. But, so, but yeah, but I think the outcome of that was like, for me was realizing that there's a lot of times where I might not realize that the way my tone or my voice, I'm raising my voice because I think the issue was I felt hurt in that moment and so I was upset. And so I was acting in an upset way and my tone and my voice was coming across that way. And then it was kind of a wake up call because Nicole was like, well, you know, Or I said, well, why can you do something that's not very nice? And then now I'm responsible that I have to be the one that's nice. And there was a Moment where you were like, because you're the leader. And I was like, oh, shit. I was like, you're right. And that was true. That was it. Because I'm the leader. And so I came to kind of an agreement, you know, that kind of a pact with myself, but we talked about it as well, is that if I raise my voice, if I'm not speaking in the right tone, like, if I'm starting to yell, then whatever my grievance is now I have to dismiss it, because that's not the way that I want to show up and be, so.

Nicole [00:23:58]: Yeah, well, I think it was hard, too, because I knew that you were in a more vulnerable and, like, emotional state because of what you were going through, but also, like, the way you were acting was more extreme than you normally would. And I was afraid that if I just let it slide or just dealt with it, that you would continue to do that.

John [00:24:22]: Right. Yep. Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:23]: And so it was very hard, you know, especially in that last conversation that we had, because we had quite a few where, like, it to me also seemed like the situation we had one time where I got upset because you said something about the gummies. Like, the things that had upset you didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Like, I understand that they hurt you, but I didn't think that they would hurt you that much.

John [00:24:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:49]: But then I was also like, this is probably because he has all these other things going on. He's in pain, you know, whatever. But you kept kind of having this, like, more angry tone, and you're not. And, like, the way that you were handling things and that's not how you normally handle things, and I was getting scared that you would continue to act that way. And I told you this in the moment, too, that it just didn't feel like our relationship.

John [00:25:16]: Right. Exactly.

Nicole [00:25:18]: And I didn't know how to get through to you. Like, I didn't know what to say, like, because I was being calm and I was not yelling at you. And, you know, I wasn't calling you names. I wasn't doing any of that. I was listening to you. But you were still like, I'm glad that the leader thing got through to you.

John [00:25:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:25:35]: But that is the reality. Like, you know, I get the hard things that you were going through, and I was stuck in a place of like, okay, I'm not trying to be, like, super hard on him, but also, like, this isn't okay.

John [00:25:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:25:47]: I don't want him to think this is okay. I get that he's Going through a lot. I get that he's in a lot of pain, but, like, I can't. We can't operate like this because this is not how we operate. And so, you know, I get that it sucks having to, you know, have all the responsibility as a leader, but if you're the leader, you do have all the responsibility. And if you can't get it together and, like, be the bigger person and you're expecting me to.

John [00:26:17]: Right? Then that's.

Nicole [00:26:18]: Yeah, like. And I was trying. No, and I was trying. And, like. But the thing is, you can't have the mentality that you're the leader, but then you don't have to be held accountable for the things which you, you know, realized. And, you know. And you agreed with that even. Because I know that you weren't happy that I wasn't, like, kind of coming back at you. I wasn't like, again, it wasn't mean, but I wasn't, like, allowing you to act in that way. But I appreciated that you understood where I was coming from and that, like, I didn't want to perpetuate that behavior.

John [00:26:56]: Yeah, I was upset because. And that's what I always told you, was that it's not mistakes that you made, it's what you do afterwards. The mistake. It's not owning the mistake. But what I didn't realize was I was creating a very hostile environment for someone to own the mistake. And then I did have a moment where I had that realization where I was like. Because that's actually what kind of resolved things was when I said, are you not owning the mistake? Because if you give in while I'm yelling, then you're afraid you're going to reinforce that behavior. And you're like, yes. And then I was like, okay, I see what's going on here. And so then we came to that resolution where it's like, okay, if I yell, I'm done. Like, my. Whatever, my grievance, because I'm supposed to be a leader. So if I yell, if I'm stepping out there, then I don't have any right to, like, demand anything from you because I've already messed up. However, you know, if I calmly tell you when you're making a mistake and to own up to it and you don't, then it's going to be a violation of my trust. It's going to hurt me. And I think that was a good, like, for us to both understand where each other were coming from with that. But, yeah, it was something that. And it's crazy because every time I feel like we. And we had gone a long, long time without getting into it. I think months. Right. But I think every time we come to one of these kind of situations, we learn something new, you know, and a new way of handling situations so that we don't repeat those same patterns. So I felt like, for me, this was something that I just needed to lear. Like, no matter what, John, you're the leader no matter what. There's no excuse ever for how Nicole's behaving. However you think that whatever is going on, if you're not acting in alignment, then you can't be leading, because you always have to be in alignment if you're leading. And there's no. The buck stops here. Right. You don't pass the buck anywhere else. So I think that there was a little bit of me that still had this kind of. This is unfair kind of, like, baby mentality that it. That the pain of what I was going through, like, put enough pressure on me to really make that come out, which was a good thing, because it needed to come out so I could see, okay, it's still there. You need to completely squash this.

Nicole [00:29:24]: Yeah. And so, yeah, it was. You know, I feel like, honestly, when you're going through something like we're going through, there's going to be something coming up because you're in a vulnerable, like, emotional state for what you're going through. And I was in a vulnerable emotional state for what I was going through, because I also was like, I'm doing everything in my head. I'm like, I'm doing everything for this man.

John [00:29:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:50]: And he's treating me like I just slapped him in the face for a little comment that I made that I understand. Like, can still be hurtful.

John [00:29:59]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:59]: But it was not, like, the level that most people would classify as, like, hurtful enough to, like, have all this result from it.

John [00:30:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:11]: You know, and then I was like, so am I not supposed to, like, I'm just supposed to be the punching bag still, too, because I'm the one taking care of you. And, like, you're in this situation. Do I just, like, let deal with this? But I'm like, I don't want this to be how our new normal. Like, I don't want this to be how he handles things. And to be honest, I don't think that even if you're in pain and even if you're going through something really hard that you should treat people poorly. And because I feel like if you make an excuse for that, you'll make an excuse for something else, and then it'll just turn into something bad. So it was. It was really hard because I didn't want to upset you. I knew you were going through a lot, but I also could not continue the way that things were going.

John [00:30:59]: Yeah, but it was necessary. Right. And it's like, I think the thing for, I think, men to realize is that, like, if you're in full alignment and you're doing everything right as a man, as a leader, and your wife is not, then, yeah, then correction. Then you can say something and be like, look, this needs to change. This is what has to happen. But if you're not, then you're just. Then you don't have any. Like, you erode your own authority in the situation. And so. And that's the thing, is that I had to kind of learn and figure out. It's like, yeah, it's up to me, first of all, to be in alignment. Right. Because you can't really check someone else if you haven't checked yourself first as the leader. Like, so that's the thing is first you got to check yourself. And sometimes it's like, you're like, no, no, no, that's not fair, because. And you go off and somehow you're justifying your misaligned behavior because someone else's behavior is misaligned or you're in pain or none of those. That's all bullshit. That's all excuses, and it's no good.

Nicole [00:32:04]: Yeah.

John [00:32:05]: But one other thing I think that came up, too, that I think is a good one just for a tip for, I think, for women, because we kind of struggled with this early on, and this is something that I think is kind of an instinctual pattern in women, is that at first, and this has happened before, like, when I hurt my ankle and stuff is like. I think women want to get really. They're afraid of someone being hurt, so they kind of almost like, take that out on the person being hurt. Because there was this. You know, when I first got hurt, it was like. And I was trying to do something, and you're, like, kind of getting upset at me. And I'm like, I'm not a baby. Like, I'm. I can. Like, I'm making my own judgment calls on, like, the medication I'm taking and the stuff like that. Like, you could be afraid and be worried, but taking that on me doesn't help me. But I think that it's a defense of a natural protecting instinct that women have, because women do that all the time. With children, you see it all the time, where the kid gets hurt and the mom yells at the kid for getting hurt, and it's like, well, I.

Nicole [00:33:04]: Never yelled at you.

John [00:33:05]: No, no, I wasn't.

Nicole [00:33:06]: That you felt like. Well, I think, too, it was that I just wanted to know what you were doing so that I could be prepared in case something did. I don't have a problem with you doing stuff for yourself. I mean, sometimes it makes me nervous that you're taking the wrong medication. I know you do a lot of research, but I know that with the medication thing, I was scared that you were gonna take something that didn't go together, and then now you're in worse state and things like that. And I get that you make your own decisions, but I think, too, it's like if someone's taking care of you.

John [00:33:44]: Oh.

Nicole [00:33:45]: Like, you should at least keep them in the loop of what's going on. And I just didn't feel like. I feel like I'd be like, wait a second. So, like, that I wasn't in the middle of doing something in case you did fall or something like that. And I did get frustrated, which was, you know, the wrong thing to do. But I think it's more of, like, you just want to be available to help in case something goes wrong.

John [00:34:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:08]: Or like, you don't want to see them suffer more from making the decision that they want to make.

John [00:34:17]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:18]: And so instead, it's like you get angry out of fear rather than of, you know, just being angry. But it does come across as anger because that's, again, what, you know, anger is. Is fear deep down. But, yeah, I do, like, women do tend to do that, but I think it's more of, like, a fear thing. They don't want something trying to control.

John [00:34:42]: The situation so that it doesn't. But, yeah, but it's. But it. But it's. But it's emasculating for a man, especially when he's injured, to be in that kind of situation, which. Which we had to talk about, and I think we're understanding of that, too. But it's. But I mean, these are the things that you encounter in these kind of situations.

Nicole [00:35:01]: You don't encounter them when you're not going through something like this.

John [00:35:04]: But it's good because it helped, you know, all of these things. I always see them as good because we grow from it. We learn from it. We learn more about each other. Our relationship grows stronger, you know, even if it's trying at. At times, and we hadn't Had a really, like, trying thing for a while. We were kind of due for something trying at that point. No, we were. No, we did. We.

Nicole [00:35:26]: Yeah, but let's not throw more into the. To the loop. But.

John [00:35:31]: Yeah, but.

Nicole [00:35:32]: Yeah. No, I. You know, we can do this episode, but the people that have been through similar things to what we're talking about are the only one that are really gonna know. Because even before you hurt your knee like this, we didn't really know. Like, we had been through some hard stuff in the beginning of our relationship, but it wasn't like one of us was injured or sick or something like that. It is different. And, you know, honestly, like I said, I feel like we got off kind of easy. Like, even though we had the discussion and, you know, dealt with our own stuff, like, we had the tools like the emotional intelligence and the knowledge to work through that a lot more effectively than most people would.

John [00:36:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:19]: So hopefully, you know, people listen to this and they get that information and that knowledge, like we did before something like this happens so that they can handle it better or, you know, they're going through it right now, and it's just been craziness that they listen to this and hopefully, you know, get something from it. I think, you know, just having empathy for the other person and not making excuses. You know, you can't have excuses that you're hurt and you're injured and whatever. And I can't have excuses that I'm tired from doing all this stuff.

John [00:36:52]: You know what I mean?

Nicole [00:36:53]: Like, we still have to show up in the best way that we can. Because also, too, that teaches both of us that we can always show up in the best version. Like, this is a testament of us showing up our best during hard things that we haven't had to show up for our best for. You know what I mean? Like, we're. We're testing that, and it'll be easier the next time something hard happens.

John [00:37:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:21]: You know, keep showing up in the best way possible. And like you said, we've even worked through things that are gonna help us even after your knee is healed up and things like that. So, you know, it's a hard thing to go through for everyone involved, but you do learn a lot. And if you just come from a place of love and empathy and, you know, compassion and communication, then it'll actually make you stronger, like you said.

John [00:37:52]: And I feel like it's almost like. Cause I put it into practice the other night. We were talking about something about divorce and stuff, and I was like, in my Head. I was like, this hurts my feelings. And I was like, but I'm not going to get upset and I'm going to just say what it was like you asked me to, and then you responded perfectly to that. And I was like, why am I doing things the hard way? Like, geez, because it's so, you know, it's like you. I don't know, it's very hard to, like, have your feelings hurt and then just. Just say that that is the vulnerable.

Nicole [00:38:34]: Yeah. Instead of.

John [00:38:35]: It's hard to do, but then the result is so much better. Instead of hurting the relationship, you help the relationship. Like, it's, you know, and you're not thinking bad of the person. You're just sharing. So it just. Yeah, it was a good. But I'm thankful that we went through the stuff so that I could discover that and then put that into practice. And now it's become more of my default. Like, I feel like it's a tool I have now that becomes more of my default way of showing up rather than before. It's like, you know, I was doing really good, but it's like, you can't just do really good. You have to have the tools for when things fall apart to handle those. Those are way more important than doing really good. And so that was like a piece that was missing for me that I was like, okay, it was a good chance to see why this is important and practice this.

Nicole [00:39:34]: Well, as women, we are a mirror, like you've said before, and. Or a garden or whatever. Like, the way that our man responds to us greatly affects how we respond. I'm not saying that if you respond calmly as a man, a woman's not going to blow up and say something and vice versa. But when you come from a place like that, it is easier to match that energy. Whereas when you come from an angry place, it is so hard to not, you know, just also allow that to take over.

John [00:40:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:40:05]: You know, but I mean, I did do a good job and being angry when you were angry. But I feel like as a woman, it's still like, unless you get through to the man, though, it doesn't matter because I can sit and talk with you calmly while you're angry for however long.

John [00:40:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:40:25]: But until you decide that you're not going to be angry anymore, it's not going to make a difference. Like. Like men are the influencers more than women are in that instance. And so because a woman needs that emotional security. Exactly. And if you're not providing that, she's not gonna Give you emotional security. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, that's like. It's just not smart, to be honest. Like, I'm glad, like, we talked about that you understood why I couldn't validate what you were saying and, like, give in to that while you were acting that way.

John [00:41:02]: Right.

Nicole [00:41:03]: Because it just would not have promoted a safe emotional space. And normally you are. And I know what you're capable of. And I also know that that was not like you. And I didn't want that to become something that you continue to do, you know? So that's why, like, when I told you you were the leader, it. Like, you do. Like, if you're the leader, you're gonna have to lead. Like, you can't be like, I'm the leader. And then when we get in an argument or something, now I'm the leader, but I'm not the leader because I tried to lead you to. I mean, the only thing that led you there was me saying that you're the leader. You know what I mean? So, like, I. It can't. You can't pass the baton like that. Like, you do have to. And I'm not saying that women get off free because they're not the leader.

John [00:41:48]: No.

Nicole [00:41:49]: Like, they need to do the right thing as well, too.

John [00:41:52]: Well. But like I said, if the man is in alignment doing the right things, then he can provide correction, but he can't when he's not, because it won't be heard and it won't. And it also will be hypocritical. Right. And it's not leading because you can't really lead that way unless you're like. But if you're in alignment as a man, then, yeah, if a woman's not being accountable, you can then calmly say that and say, look, this is what's going on. This is what's happening. It's not good. Like, you need to take accountability for this. This is your responsibility.

Nicole [00:42:21]: Right.

John [00:42:21]: You're doing it in that way, not in a harsh way, in a yelling way. That's. That's fine. That's acceptable because you're. You checked yourself first.

Nicole [00:42:30]: Right?

John [00:42:30]: But if you don't check yourself first, then it's just an argument. Yeah, there's no. There's no difference, like, who's right or wrong because you're both wrong. So then you're more wrong because you're the man. That's what it comes down to, you know? Like, you're the. If you're. If you're a leader and you're in an argument, then you're wrong because you're not supposed to be. That's not how it's supposed to operate.

Nicole [00:42:48]: Yeah, but I mean, like, people are human. The thing is, though, you have to be open to hearing the truth because sometimes it's hard. I've been open to hearing hard truths from you, and you've been open to hearing hard truths for me. And that's also important because this sort of situation where your partner's injured or sick or whatever, it's very emotional. It's very. It's a very hard time for everybody, like we've been talking about. And so if you have some things come up, because like I said, it's a prime time for arguments to happen because emotions are high and everybody's feeling a bunch of stuff and they're stressed out in different ways. Look at it as a time to strengthen your relationship as well, too. Like strengthen, like be there for your partner in a way you haven't been there before. And, you know, if you're the one going through it, you know, try to not let all those emotions you feel about the situation you're in also dump onto your partner. You know, like there's. There's still things that we can think about and grow from, even in instances like this. And it is. It is hard.

John [00:44:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:01]: Like you're like you said your whole life that your routine and all that stuff is just thrown off and you're not sleeping.

John [00:44:07]: I haven't slept good in months.

Nicole [00:44:10]: Yeah, it's a lot.

John [00:44:12]: And I'll say one more thing about it, because I know we got it. Is that day my YouTube video on my channel, the video that came out was, however you are on your worst day is who you really are. Oh, And I looked at my video.

Nicole [00:44:31]: The universe was like.

John [00:44:32]: I was like, oh. And then I tried to make excuses. I'm like, yeah, but not in this case. And then I was like, no, John, this is really who you are. Right? And it's true. But we do need to acknowledge it. And I think that's just important for everyone who's listening. To acknowledge is however you show up on your worst day, when you're nine out of ten. Pain, when you're. That's who you actually are. Everything else that you're pretending to be is pretending to be. But the good news about it is that that's the only time when the surgery, when the skin is all peeled away, the flesh is all peeled away, and you can actually do some open heart surgery on yourself. So when everything's good. You can't really hit the inner part of yourself because it's good. But when you're in pain, when you're in a bad situation, when it's your worst day, that's when you can make the choice to make a permanent change in yourself. You can do the open heart surgery, and that's where you get the benefit. So even though these times suck, and it sucks to find out that you're not as good as you thought you were, you know, but because a lot of people, like, they. They think that they're as good as they are on their best day is who they are, and. And they're just having a bad day. No, the sad truth is that we all have to face, because I had to face it myself, is that whatever you show up on your worst day, that is actually, that's who you are. And you have to acknowledge that. But. And then fix it. Because if you don't acknowledge it, you're not going to fix it. You're going to say, oh, well, I just had a bad day. No, no, that's your real heart. That's because it comes out under pressure. That's it. And so we all have to. Because we're all messed up and like that, but we have. But. But that's also why adversity is good. That's also why I know you. We were talking about that therapist that is really against the whole, you know, coddling people with the mental health thing. It's like, no, no. That's why you need trauma. That's why you need to suffer. That's why you need to, like, go through these things. The point of it is to find out how weak you are so that you can repair, fix it, grow stronger and become mentally tough and strong. Not so you can be coddled. And so I had to. Yeah, it was embarrassing to me. I was like, oh, God, I asked for this.

Nicole [00:46:43]: We're all human. We're all human. But I do want to add one little thing. I do think, too, that, you know, in a weird way, this also helped you realize, you know, other certain things, like that you were putting a lot of focus on your body. And now, you know, having this, like. I think that you viewed being tough as, like, all the things that you could do. And now you view the toughness as more of, like a mental, you know, what you can get through. Because this is hard. Oh, yeah.

John [00:47:17]: Yeah. So. All right, well, that's. That's it for this. This week. Make sure you like and subscribe by the time you watch this episode, we might have the website up, so. Betterthanperfectpod.com.

Nicole [00:47:30]: Yeah, John's been working on that really hard, too, so.

John [00:47:33]: All right, we'll see you next time. Take.