John [00:00:00]: Men are a little bit dumb and women are a little bit crazy. Now we're gonna tell you why this is in this episode. So welcome to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:00:16]: I thought you were gonna be like, where I'm a little bit dumb and she's a little bit crazy.

John [00:00:20]: A little bit dumb and crazy. Better than perfect. We stay through every fault we find. We'll divulge the details of your equation.

Nicole [00:00:37]: Oh, you want to do Just jump right in?

John [00:00:38]: Well, no, I mean, we'll get to that in a minute here, but yeah.

Nicole [00:00:42]: How to get an epiphany.

John [00:00:43]: Yeah. First we got to do some small talk. You know, talk about some. What's been going on. I think there was. I was trying to think there was some kind of comment that was on one of the videos or something that I was going to respond to. I don't remember what it was. So do you remember what the. There hasn't been.

Nicole [00:00:59]: Esme someone recently on, like, I think episode 69 said that they were so mad that we didn't have notes talking about the Love is blind people. And then now you're like, there was a comment I was gonna talk about, but now I forgot. That person's like, I need to comment. They're, like, shaking. They're like. They did it again. They didn't listen to my comment.

John [00:01:23]: I mean, I do agree. I think we should. Maybe we should even just avoid the Love is blind talk, because it's.

Nicole [00:01:29]: I remember most of the people, but I feel like you can't remember their names, which I get. Cause there's a lot of people on the show, but. So you can't remember the name.

John [00:01:39]: But there was a guy talking about the prenup thing. That again. Right. And so he had a pretty good point about the prenup thing, which was that he was like, if you do not get a prenup, then you will get a prenup appointed to you by the state government because the default state divorce laws are your prenup.

Nicole [00:01:59]: Like, you're dictating.

John [00:02:01]: Yeah. Which I get that. That. That makes sense. That's actually probably the best argument that I've heard for. For a prenup. I still don't. Don't buy it completely. Because it's like, if you're saying, well, you should at least have one that you've created rather than the state one. Okay, I can. I can. I can get that. That side of it. But at the same time, the whole idea is that you are committing 100% that there is no. So if it's like, oh, the state one sucks, well, then, fuck it, the state one sucks. Like, I'm gonna. Because I'm never gonna need to use it. I'm never gonna need to use it. So who the hell cares? You see what I'm saying? So that's why, like, it's a really good argument. Like, the guy's smart, and it makes sense from a legal perspective. Again, like, and this is what I tell guys all the time when they're asking about the prenup thing. I'm like, it is smart for you to get a prenup. Like, it's sound financial advice for you to get a prenup, for you to do all these things, but it's bad relationship advice. Right, But I'm not giving you sound financial advice. That's not what I'm. I'm giving you. If you want to have a relationship where you've burned the boat and you're all in, that's what you. So it's like, if you're not ready for that, then if you're, like, speculative on the relationship, then, yeah, you should get a prenup.

Nicole [00:03:19]: You should not get married.

John [00:03:21]: That's what I'm saying. It's like, if you're going to treat it like that kind of a thing. Thing. Yeah, but. But majority of the guys are asking the question just, like, it's probably not for you. Like, don't. Don't do it unless you're.

Nicole [00:03:30]: Yeah, we're not saying that a prenup is not smart because it's smart financially. Like you said, it is smart. It makes sense. It's logical. However, if you're entering into a marriage, it's not the right decision because it's a safety net. Like you said from the very beginning, it does allow people to be a little bit more lazy and less involved in maintaining their relationship because they have less to lose. Like you said, you said it perfectly that if the state way is the crappier way, that actually incentivizes you more to not leave the relationship. And it should incentivize you more to make sure you're making the right decision. I understand people change and things can happen, but really they don't change that much. So it should not only incentivize you to make the right decision when you do get married, it should incentivize you to work on that marriage, to stay married and happy and not even have to Worry about it.

John [00:04:34]: Yeah. It's not the smart decision. It's like, I get it when guys are like, oh, these hoes. Yeah. Today with these hoes, I'm gonna get a prenup. I get it. But if you're thinking that, then. No, then you're not getting ready.

Nicole [00:04:47]: You're not ready to get married.

John [00:04:48]: Exactly. Right. It's like, yeah. If your mindset is, oh, these hoes.

Nicole [00:04:52]: Yeah.

John [00:04:52]: Okay, you're not ready, then. You're right. Then you should get a prenup if you were going to get married, which you shouldn't do.

Nicole [00:04:57]: Right.

John [00:04:57]: But it's a smart move to get a pre. Prenup. But it's not the move that will, you know, again, it's like if you're. If you're like, oh, I wouldn't want to take that risk. I agree with you. Don't take that risk. If you. If you haven't watched this podcast enough to make it where you're like, oh, this is not a risk. Getting married is not a risk for me. If you haven't gotten the knowledge to understand that you can make it not a risk for you, then don't get married. Yeah, that's it.

Nicole [00:05:28]: No, you're right.

John [00:05:28]: Right. That's it. So, yeah. So it's like. It's not like we're dumb and we don't understand the legality and the smartness of a. And that most marriages end in divorce.

Nicole [00:05:36]: Right. But I learned a new statistic, which I was going to say for when we talk about the book, but we can bring it up again, too, is that, yes, most people end up getting a divorce, or more than half.

John [00:05:48]: Right, right.

Nicole [00:05:50]: But 80% of those divorced people remarry.

John [00:05:54]: Those stupid fuckers.

Nicole [00:05:56]: Wow. You're one of them.

John [00:06:01]: But. But why do you think that is before we get into the actual episode? Like, why do you think that?

Nicole [00:06:05]: Because people want love and they want to be happy, and it's there. It's worth the risk.

John [00:06:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:10]: And so that's why, too, when people talk about the pre.

John [00:06:13]: Up. Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:14]: You're not really risking anything.

John [00:06:15]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:06:17]: Like, I get that. You know, maybe if you've already lost half your stuff, you're gonna get a prenup or you want to or whatever. But also, if you've already been through that, you sure as hell better make sure you're picking the right person the second time around.

John [00:06:31]: I mean. Yeah, it kind of goes both ways. It's kind of like it. Just as you're saying that, I'm thinking about the Heart attack patient. You know, the guy that has a heart attack. And there's like, I can't wait to get out of the hospital so I can go eat me some bacon and eggs for breakfast.

Nicole [00:06:45]: You think genuinely, most people who go through a divorce, which you've said is the hardest thing of your life.

John [00:06:51]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:06:51]: Are going to risk going through that again.

John [00:06:54]: But. They do. But the. But second.

Nicole [00:06:56]: But statistics for just anybody that they think is going to. It's going to happen again.

John [00:07:01]: The statistics on second marriages are worse than on first marriages.

Nicole [00:07:05]: That's true.

John [00:07:06]: So they are more likely to even get a divorce again. But because once you've gotten a divorce once. Right. Then you're more. It's even the same thing where people are like, even if you break up with a lot of people. Right. If you get into serious relationships and you break up with people, or you're like. Or you're very casual in relationships, it's very easy for you to drop people. And so you kind of train yourself on being able to do that. So. But, but I mean, but what you're saying, and I agree with, is that that statistic is important because it does show that people want, like, even though there's people saying, oh, I don't want that. No, you do want that. You just. You don't believe in it anymore. You don't know how to get it anymore. Right. You've been hurt, you've been burned, and that's why you're bitter and angry, and I get it. But that's why you need to subscribe. Subscribe to the podcast.

Nicole [00:07:58]: Yeah.

John [00:07:58]: Listen, that's why we're here, because we're just, you know, we're just out here every single week just trying to get. Get you straight so that you won't have to get a divorce.

Nicole [00:08:08]: Yeah.

John [00:08:09]: And you don't even need a prenup. There you go.

Nicole [00:08:11]: That's true.

John [00:08:12]: All right, so let's get into your. Your equation here. So. So the. The premise of this. I'll set you up for it. Is that.

Nicole [00:08:20]: Well, I was going to say this actually came from our daughter.

John [00:08:23]: Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. You do it then. Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:26]: Yeah. We were eating dinner, like, finishing up dinner, and she was like, yeah, I was talking, you know, about this phenomenon where all men are at least a 4 on the dumb scale and all women are at least a 4 on the crazy scale. And of course, when we first started talking about, I'm like, I'm not a four. And then you're like, you're one to three. And I was like, three. I was expecting one to two. Like, I definitely don't feel like. Which. Which.

John [00:08:52]: Which qualifies you definitely to the. Like, your statement made you a 4 or above. You know, wow.

Nicole [00:08:59]: I don't think I'm a force still. I think everybody has a capability. But, you know, we were talking about.

John [00:09:06]: It kind of crazy.

Nicole [00:09:07]: We were joking. We were mostly talking about the women being crazy because, you know, men love to say those things. But yeah, the men also being a 4 on the dumb scale. That's what really kind of like the.

John [00:09:20]: Dumb scale, though, when you say four in the dumb scale. Just because I know that I was confused by this.

Nicole [00:09:25]: Which kind of proves the point of.

John [00:09:30]: Actually, it does. It proves the opposite of it because I'm thinking about these things. Right.

Nicole [00:09:35]: But you didn't know which one it was.

John [00:09:36]: Zero to the dumb scale is zero to ten, Right. And the closer you get to ten, the more dumb you are. It's not the smart scale. The smart scale would be 0 to 10. And the closer to 10 would be. You'd be more smart. So a 4 on the smart scale is closer to the dumb side, Right. A four on the dumb scale is closer to the smart side. Like that you're. That. But that's the lowest you can be as a man is. You're going to be at least some dumb. Right?

Nicole [00:10:05]: Yeah. That's the lowest you can be as a woman is smart. 10 is dumb.

John [00:10:09]: Yeah. And as a woman, you're going to be at least some crazy. There's like, this is the minimum threshold. We're not talking about the maximum. There is no maximum on dumb or crazy.

Nicole [00:10:18]: Okay, well, it's 10 for.

John [00:10:20]: Right? Yeah. But it goes past that.

Nicole [00:10:22]: I am.

John [00:10:22]: You know, it's like. Yeah, that just. So that's all measure. It's a logarithmic rare scale. Right. It's like. It's not. It's not a. It's a logarithmic scale. Right. So anyway.

Nicole [00:10:34]: Anyway, we just proved the dumb scale.

John [00:10:37]: Is about the dumbness increases in the scale. Equal increases in dumbness.

Nicole [00:10:41]: Yes.

John [00:10:42]: Okay.

Nicole [00:10:42]: Yes. So as you can tell by watching this, we just proved this point, but I actually debunked it further when we were talking about it with our daughter. So I was thinking about it and I was like, okay, well, why are men dumb and why are women crazy?

John [00:11:00]: Right?

Nicole [00:11:01]: And then it like a light bulb went off and I was like, men are for. On the dumbness scale because they're singular focused. And so women, when they view men, they're like, he's dumb. He didn't even see his socks sitting right there. Or he can't find the hot sauce in the fridge.

John [00:11:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:23]: And like, to women, those things seem dumb.

John [00:11:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:11:29]: But really it's because a man has a singular focus. And even if he might be looking for the hot sauce in the fridge.

John [00:11:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:35]: His mind might be on something else. So he can't even see the sauce.

John [00:11:39]: It can only be on the one thing at a time. Exactly right. You got it.

Nicole [00:11:42]: They do come across as dumb because they're only thinking about one thing at a time.

John [00:11:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:47]: Where women come across as crazy because we're literally thinking about 10 things simultaneously at the same time. Which to men is crazy. They could never do that. And if they try to think about more than one thing at a time, they totally lose their mind.

John [00:12:01]: And they would be crazy. Yeah, exactly. Right.

Nicole [00:12:03]: They would go crazy. So they view women as crazy because women operate on this capacity to think about multiple things at one time. Like, would you love me if I'm a worm? A man would never even think about that. He's got more important things to think about, like his job or, you know, his food he's going to go eat or make or whatever. So these are the real reasons why men are dumb and women are crazy.

John [00:12:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:27]: Is that it's because of the way that we think. And I swear, ever since I read that Queen code book, and I know I talked about it when we talked about the Queen's code book.

John [00:12:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:36]: That was the biggest thing for me in that whole book because it explains why we think the things we think about each other, why women think men are dumb and why men think women are crazy. Because it comes from this truly not being able to understand how the other person thinks and that it is genuinely different than one another.

John [00:12:58]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:59]: Because we're constantly putting our own ways of doing things onto our partner without really realizing that they don't have the same capacity that we do. And a lot of times you hear women upset. They're like, well, I can do it. Why can't he do it? And then men being like, well, why can't she just calm down? Like, it's fine.

John [00:13:18]: Right.

Nicole [00:13:19]: Like, we genuinely don't have the same capacities for those things. Our minds literally work in different ways. And if anybody steals this idea. Because I know you will see crazy level 10. Yes. First, like, 80% certainty. Because I'm not 100% because I haven't seen everything on the Internet that this is the first I've ever heard Anybody.

John [00:13:40]: Talk about this, it's definitely going to show up on that one dude's podcast who steals everything. The. What's his name?

Nicole [00:13:47]: Who?

John [00:13:48]: The guy. The monk guy who steals everything. The love guy that.

Nicole [00:13:54]: The love guy.

John [00:13:55]: His. He had. What's his name?

Nicole [00:13:58]: Jay Shetty.

John [00:13:59]: Yes, yes.

Nicole [00:14:01]: If you steal my idea, I will sue you. But no, honestly, all I want is for people to genuinely understand, because I feel like men need to genuinely understand that women are different.

John [00:14:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:15]: That doesn't make them wrong. They're different. Women need to genuinely understand that men are different, and that doesn't make them wrong.

John [00:14:23]: And I think you should get the Nobel Prize for this, obviously.

Nicole [00:14:26]: But what if they contact me? I told John, I'm like, I'm the Albert Einstein of relationships. But no, it is really funny, though, because you and I have been, like, kind of reading very similar books about, like, letting go or like, our natural, like, consciousness or state is like this joyful, happy, you know, like, divine sort of state.

John [00:14:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:52]: And in one of the books that I just finished, don't believe everything you think he talks about. Like, the less that you stew on something and the more you kind of open your mind and not allow, like, a ton of noisy thinking to go on, the more you download thoughts, right, directly from, like, the universe, that everything kind of clicks. And that's what I felt like when we were having that conversation. Like, yes, we were talking about it, Right.

John [00:15:20]: But it was just like.

Nicole [00:15:21]: But it just downloaded into my brain and I was like, eureka. You know? And so, yeah, it makes sense.

John [00:15:27]: I mean, it does, but. And it applies more than. I mean, because you're looking at. Or the primary way that you're talking about it was in the. Men have a singular focus, and women have a diffuse focus when they're looking at things and thinking about things. It applies to the vision, but it applies to the mind as well. But it's also just we, as men perceive, beyond the diffuse focus, women. Things that women do or women being emotional as crazy.

Nicole [00:16:01]: Right.

John [00:16:01]: Because it's a different way that they're thinking. And women, when they perceive a man's way. That's right.

Nicole [00:16:09]: Or like, not thinking as much.

John [00:16:11]: Right. The way that he's thinking or what he does is his actions. Right. That those appear to be dumb, even. Yeah. Like, even just, like, getting into a fight or don't. Or, like, don't obey the rules and stuff like that. It's like, that's dumb. But. Well, it's. It's not dumb if you understand what the masculine is. And why that's important to the masculine. Just like it's not crazy if you understand why women operate. Exactly. Yeah. And so. So I think that's. That's the thing is, like, men just automatically see these behaviors as crazy from women that are feminine behaviors. And women see a lot of the masculine behaviors as brutish and dumb. Right. Because they're looking at it from a feminine perspective. Whereas the reality is it's not that women are crazy. It's not that men are dumb. It's that they're different and the way that they think about things and operate is different. And we don't understand. So we see it as something. Because we're trying to map it to our own experience. Exactly. Which we can't map it very clearly. You can't map it to your own experience. You have to have an outside understanding. And that's what we try to do on this podcast, too, is like, if you understand what femininity is, if you understand what masculinity is, you might not be able to relate to the femininity as a man.

Nicole [00:17:33]: Right.

John [00:17:33]: Because it's not something you're experiencing. But if you understand it, you can be like, ah, okay, that makes sense.

Nicole [00:17:39]: Like, this is why this is.

John [00:17:41]: Right. Just like you, you don't know you're not a dog. So you can't relate to what a dog is doing or thinking or feeling or dog behaviors or instincts.

Nicole [00:17:51]: Yeah.

John [00:17:51]: But if you talk to a dog trainer, and dog trainer is like, okay, this is what it means when your dog's doing this instinctually. A dog needs to dig or whatever. What you know, then you can understand it. You're never going to experience it. You're going to be like, oh, I get it now, because I have to pee. Like, yeah, you.

Nicole [00:18:09]: I have the urge.

John [00:18:10]: But you can understand it and not think that it's crazy behavior because it makes sense to you now. And that's. Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:17]: Well. And it's damaging to be like, men are a four on the stupid scale and women are four on the crazy scale. Because it's very similar to what you say a lot, that if you give a dog a bad name, you might as well shoot the dog or whatever it is. Like, it's a very negative way to look at the opposite sex. And instead, if you reframe it for what it really is, which is the singular focus versus the diffuse focus, then you have more empathy and understanding and appreciation.

John [00:18:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:18:50]: For the other person, rather than being like, okay, well, I accept that he's going to be a 4 on the dumb scale.

John [00:18:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:18:57]: Or like, okay, I accept she's going to be a 4. On the crazy scale or whatever number that you think they are, four is.

John [00:19:02]: A pretty low level of acceptance. Right? It's like, only four. Only four is more like, oh, damn, dude, only four. That's cool. You're good. Like, don't. You're complaining about four. Don't complain about four.

Nicole [00:19:19]: Look, you're doing the exact same thing right now.

John [00:19:22]: No, no, but. No, what I'm saying, though, is, like, don't complain about four. Like, if it's. If, if that's what you're. You're perceiving, like, don't.

Nicole [00:19:28]: Don't complain about any of it. If someone's too dumb or too crazy for you.

John [00:19:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:33]: And you've already shifted your perspective to try to understand them from a different place and you still feel that way about them, dump them immediately.

John [00:19:41]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:19:41]: I don't care if you're married. I don't care. Whatever. Because if you think that about your partner, yeah, that's horrible. But I just feel like it's important. And part of the reason we do this is to get people to appreciate each other because there's so much negativity and hate towards one another, but yet we want each other. That's also why I mentioned the. The percentage of people that get divorced who get remarried in the beginning of this, because deep down we all want a partner to share life with. And the more that you understand the differences and appreciate those things, or, like, right now, hold your partner to the standard of where they're actually at versus yourself. Because I know, like, in the Queen's code, she talks a lot about women are upset with men because they're comparing men to a woman's standard of what she does and what she's capable of.

John [00:20:39]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:20:40]: And he never lives up to that because he can't do five things at one time. His brain literally will not allow him to do those things. So instead of what I feel like society pushes is like, we're all the same. Like, yes, we're all human beings. We're all breathing air. We're all, you know. Yeah, doing. Eating food, you know, the. The basic human things that, yes, we all do the same thing, but literally we are not the same mentally. Like, our brains are not the same. Literally, they look at infants, Right. Or kids or babies still in the womb.

John [00:21:17]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:17]: And they can tell even by their brain if it is a male or female.

John [00:21:21]: Right? Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:22]: And so instead of dismissing all of that.

John [00:21:26]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:27]: Like, we should be Talking about it, it should be intertwined in the things that are on the media and in social media and things that we're engaging with instead of perpetuating all the hate and all the division. Like, we have enough division. Like we need to get to a point where we accept each other for who we actually are and appreciate those things and appreciate what your singular focus brings to our relationship and what my diffuse focus brings to our relationship. Because we have both of those things, we can do so much more right than if I was trying to force you to think like a woman and you were trying to force me to think like a man.

John [00:22:07]: Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What you're describing is, is understanding instead of judgment, right? Because it's judgment and it's. I hate it when I hear guys say, oh, women are just crazy. Like, don't try and understand. Like, they're just crazy. It's such a cop out to leave it at that. It's like, well, you can't understand women, they're just crazy. Or women think the same thing about men. Oh, men are just dumb. It doesn't make sense what they're doing. It's just dumb. It's like if you just are willing to accept that, that women are crazy. I'm like, no, no, that's not true. There's a reason why people are doing the behaviors that they're doing. You're judging instead of understanding. If you say, oh, women are crazy, women are just crazy, you can't understand them, then it's impossible to understand a woman. Then you're just judging instead of trying to understand. But when you try to understand, that's where empathy comes into play. And that's where you gain some actual knowledge and wisdom that you can use in interacting with women. But if you just simplify it by dress, trying to say, oh, no, they're just crazy. Like, you can't. Then, then what are you going to do? You're not going to, you're not going to get anywhere. And that's. It's not true. It's simply not true. It is. You have to understand fundamentally that they think differently. And then, and it's also interesting too, because if a woman is seeking a guy that's not dumb, right? Then she's gonna marry a gay guy. She'll be like, and that's probably not what most women want to marry, right? And then a guy that's looking for a girl that's not crazy, it's gonna probably marry a dude, right? Like, that's what it's gonna Be like, you don't actually want that. You think you want that as a woman. You think you want a guy that's not dumb in the way that obviously you want a man to have some level intelligence. But the things that you call dumb. Right, Right. You think you don't want those and just like guys like, oh, I want a woman. That's crazy. No, no, you think you don't want those things, but you do want those things because they're different. Because if you had a woman that wasn't crazy at all, that you're just like, she's just logical, like a dude, that you wouldn't enjoy that very much.

Nicole [00:24:20]: This is boring.

John [00:24:21]: Yeah, yeah, it would be. It would be boring. Right.

Nicole [00:24:24]: Even though guys don't like the worm question, they do.

John [00:24:28]: It's not the. It's not the worm question. It's. It's what is behind it. That's the. You don't want to stamp that out. Right. That's an important aspect of humanity and something that you want a woman to be so concerned with you loving her that she would want to know if you would. If she was a worm. It's not crazy. It's a way, like, even dissecting that one. Right. Why is the worm question not crazy, even though it seems crazy to a man? Why? Because what it is, is it's feminine in the sense that two things a woman wants to feel secure. Security is very important to her. And knowing that you love her, even, like, no matter what she. Knowing that if she asks a crazy question and you're still going to give her an answer and reassure her, that increases that security. And then also, I think there's also an aspect to the feminine of wanting to be seen. And if you're a worm and I still love you, then I see you. I don't just see your appearance. Because women know that their appearance will fade over time. And so it's a way of. It's not a dumb question. It's a way of really asking this. Do you see who I am? Do you see me? It's not something. But as a man, we don't think those things. Right, Right. We're not. To a degree. Everyone wants to be seen, but those aren't our primary focus.

Nicole [00:26:06]: Well, and you're not gonna ask, would you love me if I was a worm? You're just gonna be like, would you love me?

John [00:26:10]: Right. Exactly.

Nicole [00:26:11]: No matter what. You know, it's more straightforward. Yeah, but. Yeah. And I think, too, that people can either fight against it, which is what they're doing now or embrace it. Like, embrace what we're saying.

John [00:26:24]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:24]: And the reason you should embrace it rather than trying to be like, no guys actually are dumb and no women actually are crazy. Like, truly listen to what we're saying and how it makes genuine sense. And the second you embrace it is the second that you can make it work for you. The second that you can make your relationship better. The second that you can work together and use your strengths as different sort of people to accomplish more things. Like, since I know that you're singular focused as a woman, if I really need you to focus on something, I will be like, hey, John, I really need your attention. Like, do you have time right now? Or can you stop what you're doing and do this for me? And that sets you up for success.

John [00:27:14]: Right.

Nicole [00:27:15]: Because I know how you operate and you can understand my emotion and my thinking better and not take it personally or whatever. I, you know, I don't want to speak for you, but whatever. Men internalize when a woman is going down these spirals of thought and emotion.

John [00:27:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:33]: That you can understand where I'm coming from and it's just me operating at the way that I'm operating and that you have more capacity to deal with that. Because you understand that there are five or six other tabs open in my brain that aren't open in yours.

John [00:27:49]: Yeah, yeah. Or even just the way that you're approaching life. And the things that are of primary importance to you are different from the feminine, where you're more emotionally centered.

Nicole [00:28:01]: Right.

John [00:28:02]: Excuse me. It's about how you're feeling now. Like the dumb burping.

Nicole [00:28:08]: Well, and men want to help women. Right. Like they want to help the woman that they're with.

John [00:28:12]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:13]: So the more that you have the capacity to deal with her emotions or her thoughts and you help her work through them in whatever way that looks like you close a tab.

John [00:28:23]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:24]: And that gives her a little bit more peace in her mind. Because when I first read the Queen code and I was like, she was talking about how men are singular focus and women are diffuse focus. I was like, damn, life would be so much peaceful if I could only focus on one thing at one time.

John [00:28:40]: Yeah. It would be.

Nicole [00:28:41]: I'm like, I want a little bit of that. But the thing is, is you can help her. She's not going to be singular focused.

John [00:28:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:47]: But you can help her get to a more peaceful state by closing some of those tabs, by making the diffusion of her focus less on less things that she has to focus on by helping her through those things. And so it just felt like a really important thing to realize, because the dumb thing and the crazy thing, you see so much in the culture today. And it's like, even if people think it's not that big of a deal to call somebody dumb or crazy, how are you expecting to have the love and relationship that you want when you're calling?

John [00:29:29]: Right?

Nicole [00:29:30]: It's not the person you're with or other people that are similar to your partner, dumb or crazy, you're dismissing their.

John [00:29:36]: Behavior instead of trying to understand it. And that's. That's hurtful, right? Just in itself. But you want to hear dumb? You want to hear a dumb story?

Nicole [00:29:43]: Do I want to hear dumb?

John [00:29:44]: Right. So this morning, I left Toto outside for a long time. But let me tell you why. Let me tell you why. Why are you telling me this on the podcast? No, it wasn't like super, super long. It was like 10 minutes or something like that, but it wasn't super, super long.

Nicole [00:30:01]: Is it actually 10 minutes?

John [00:30:02]: Yeah, it was 10 minutes because. But let me tell you why, right? It seems dumb. How could you forget about, like, you let the dog outside and then bring the dog. But the smoke alarm was going off, right, this morning. Not the smoke alarm, the chirp. Because the battery was dead, right? And so I was focused on making sure that you weren't going to get woken up from your sleep with this chirping, right? So that was my one try one. My one track mind focus was on the smoke alarm.

Nicole [00:30:34]: And poor Toto was out there.

John [00:30:36]: And I'm not thinking Toto anymore, because I'm thinking smoke alarm, right? And so I was going to the gym to the. Not to the gym, to the. To the garage to get the ladder, right? Put the ladder up there, changing the battery.

Nicole [00:30:48]: Meanwhile, Toto's watching you do all this, and she's like, he's gonna leave me out here forever. And then you owe Toto your undivided attention.

John [00:30:58]: I give her a double. I gave her a double treat. So. But, but, but, but that's a good example of the. Right. Because, yeah, you'd be like, oh, this guy's dumb. What the hell? This stupid, dumb stuff that guys do. But there's a reason for it, is.

Nicole [00:31:11]: Because a woman can do that. She could take the dog out, right? She goes to the garage and gets the ladder. She goes and gets, you know, maybe sets up the ladder, doesn't get on it.

John [00:31:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:21]: Goes and gets the dog.

John [00:31:23]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:31:23]: Then.

John [00:31:24]: Then goes to. It's not like I'm not doing a lot of things in the morning at the same time. But my mind became super focused because I was like, I need to, like, make sure that Nicole isn't going to get woken up by this.

Nicole [00:31:36]: Which is nice. But you're like, but let me leave.

John [00:31:40]: But no, but see, there's not a thought. Like, See, you're thinking women, multithreaded, multiple tabs open. Like, but. But that's the. That's the confusion. Right.

Nicole [00:31:48]: Didn't even think about Toto at all.

John [00:31:49]: Doesn't even. Across the mind at all.

Nicole [00:31:52]: Women everywhere are gasping.

John [00:31:54]: That's how it is.

Nicole [00:31:54]: It proves the point.

John [00:31:55]: Yeah, but that doesn't even cross the mind. But you. It's hard for you to fathom that. It doesn't even cross the mind because you're like, it feels like it's dumb to you. Like, how could you not think about. You just let a dog out. How do you not think about, I need to let the dog back in.

Nicole [00:32:11]: Yeah.

John [00:32:11]: Right. Because that would be how a woman would think. Yeah, but a guy doesn't think that way. A guy doesn't think that way at all. It's just not even. It's not that I'm a dumb person.

Nicole [00:32:21]: No.

John [00:32:21]: Right. I am. I'm. It's not. I'm irresponsible. I'm on top of a lot of shit. I got my schedule. I do all kinds of stuff. Right. But when I'm. When. Especially when it comes to you and your well being, my focus is on that. And so those other things don't get my focus. I can only have one focus at a time.

Nicole [00:32:41]: Which. The door, like, closed.

John [00:32:42]: Yeah, the door was closed.

Nicole [00:32:44]: So you closed her out. Aw, dodo.

John [00:32:50]: She was like. But then she was like, double treat. Sure, that's fine.

Nicole [00:32:54]: Forgiven.

John [00:32:55]: Yeah. Okay.

Nicole [00:32:57]: Which is a little preview for the next episode.

John [00:33:00]: But yeah.

Nicole [00:33:01]: Yeah, I just. It seemed very important even to explain to our daughter when we were talking about it.

John [00:33:07]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:08]: You know, and I've talked to her about the concept of singular focus. And women have diffused focus because she's dealing with, you know, a crush in school, which is normal. Everybody's been there. And she'll be like, well, why didn't he text me back? And I text him back and I have to be like, yeah, it's not. We don't think the same, you know?

John [00:33:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:28]: And I think it's important to teach her that from very early on and the right way. Like, I don't want her to hate men. I don't Want her to think men are stupid.

John [00:33:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:37]: You know, and I don't want her to think that she's crazy for thinking things and crazy for feeling the way that she feels. It's just different. Like we're just different. And, you know, that's important for people to understand and truly understand where we even got these ideas to make up sayings like this.

John [00:33:56]: And yeah, it's Sad that a 13 year old would think that men are dumb and women are crazy. Yeah, that's a sad thing that she, she, she was certain of it, right? It's not like she was just, I mean, she was certain. She's just. Okay, well, men are.

Nicole [00:34:11]: But everybody would think that, you know, like, based on how society is today, a lot of people would think the same exact thing. So I can't even fault her. But that's also why we're here, is to try to change the narrative to one that is beneficial to everybody and actually gets people what they want.

John [00:34:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:30]: Because the thing is, and I've said this multiple times, you can't hate or think poorly about the thing that you want. You will never get it.

John [00:34:39]: Right.

Nicole [00:34:40]: If you genuinely, as a woman, think that men suck or they're dumb or you hate them or whatever.

John [00:34:45]: Right.

Nicole [00:34:46]: You will never get the love from a man that you really want because you're grouping everybody into this thing. And same with men. They're like, women are stupid and they're, you know, all these derogatory names and like, they're not worth it and they're crazy. Do you think you're gonna find the woman of your dreams by thinking that about women?

John [00:35:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:07]: So instead of coming up with all these things to prove while the why the other sex is really wrong or bad or whatever.

John [00:35:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:35:17]: Why don't we actually learn how to understand each other, Right. And appreciate each other. I'm not saying that if you run into somebody that treats you poorly, abuses you, whatever, that you should stay with them or like be like, that's just guys being guys. Because one of our very early episodes is why, you know, people saying like, oh, men will be men, that that's not acceptable.

John [00:35:41]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:42]: But you know, understanding how a man operates and working with him because you understand where he's coming from is different.

John [00:35:50]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:35:51]: Than that.

John [00:35:52]: Yeah. No, I think that's super important because if you have curiosity instead of judgment and then you're seeking understanding, you're going to be in a better place. It's also going to help you because if you're going through life and like, oh, Women are crazy. Can you believe this crazy shit that women did or this woman did or whatever are the same thing? If you're like, oh, men are dumb. Can you believe the stupid stuff that men do or that this man did or this man did on the Internet or whatever it is, then you're just gonna be upset all the time. Because if you're looking for crazy, you're gonna find crazy. If you're looking for dumb, you're gonna find dumb. But that's the lens that you're looking. Like you're the one who's ignorant. Because you're filtering things through that lens. You're not seeing the bigger picture of why the behavior. But if you start to say, stop judging, and start to say, okay, I wonder why even when you do date someone who's a jerk or whatever is like that, instead of immediately judging them and saying, oh, they're so bad or wrong, you don't have to be with them. I'm not saying that, but if you start to say, well, I wonder why, Like, I wonder what? Like, curiosity instead of. Instead of the judgment, then you might learn something and you might see that. Why people? Because there's always a reason why people behave the way they do. There's always a reason why people do what they do. And every single person that ever does any kind of action thinks that they're justified in the action and they definitely have a reason for it. And so if you. If you get that, like, no one is just out here just doing random shit for no reason at all.

Nicole [00:37:30]: Right?

John [00:37:31]: Right. You know, so they. Some reason for it. It might not be a good reason, like, when you come down to it, but you can be curious and try to understand what that reason is. And again, as far as men and women, the differences, you'll find that there is a good reason in many cases.

Nicole [00:37:51]: Well, yeah, even in the Queen's code, she talks about asking a man or saying, I know you probably did this for a good reason. You know, explain that to me. Sort of thing, like, ask. Like you said, ask questions if you don't know, rather than like, assuming, oh, it's because he's stupid and you know, he saw it or just didn't want to do it. Because, I mean, I'm glad you told the Toto story, even though I feel bad for Toto, because it just proves the point that we're trying to get across is that it is different. And like, you explaining it. Because if you told me this and you didn't fully explain it, I'd be Like, well, why did you neglect Toto? And you're like, you were trying to make it so I didn't wake up because I was still sleeping. You know, but it helps me understand, you know, how you got on a one track versus another track.

John [00:38:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:42]: You know, and so it's just important.

John [00:38:45]: Yeah. Because there's always a reason. Right. And there's nothing perhaps more hurtful or disempowering than being judged for a attribute of who you are, of what not something that you've intended. Like, if you intentionally do something wrong, being judged for that. Okay. Right. But if it's like, just how you think or how you operate, you know, the worst thing is when you're trying to do something good and then someone judges you for it. Right, Right. That's the worst feeling because you're trying to do something good. You didn't know, you know, and so that's where it's like, if you just pull back the judgment and instead have an understanding or seeking, you know, the cure, the curiosity instead of judgment, then you save that harm. Because, you know, when women are doing what they're doing, they're not. They're just living.

Nicole [00:39:41]: Right.

John [00:39:41]: They're not trying.

Nicole [00:39:42]: We don't want to have six tabs open at one time.

John [00:39:45]: Yeah. When men are doing what they're doing, just like you said with this morning with Toto, like, am I willfully neglecting a dog? No, obviously not. I would not do that. Right. But. But so there's some reason behind it. There's something that's. That's going on. Right. And. And it. Yeah. And it turns out to be a good one. Right. But sometimes the question's never asked, and. And just a judgment comes.

Nicole [00:40:10]: Yeah.

John [00:40:11]: And then you're never going to find out the real reason why someone did something or what they were trying to do because they don't feel safe to. To now talk about that. So.

Nicole [00:40:20]: Right.

John [00:40:20]: So that's why it's important to.

Nicole [00:40:22]: Well, and I don't want people to beat themselves up because I genuinely feel like no one I know was ever taught not to compare another person based on how they think.

John [00:40:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:35]: You know, like men and women were. I've never heard somebody say, you know, as a woman, don't compare a man to another woman. Like, and even if they have, they haven't explained it in this way where I feel like it makes a lot of sense. And like I said, even in the Queen's code book, she explained it, and it didn't make sense to me then. But hopefully this Makes sense to people. It's deeper into that. Right. Like, she touched on it. But I think we're really getting deep into this topic, and I've not heard anybody really talk about that. And same with men. Like, men very much call women crazy because they can't even fathom thinking about the amount of things a woman is thinking about and having the level of emotions and things popping up that women have. And so it is crazy to them. But the thing is, instead of being like, oh, well, that's crazy because I don't think, like, that you should empathize with that person just like women, instead of being like, oh, he's so dumb. I can't believe he didn't see his socks sitting right there.

John [00:41:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:34]: Be like, okay, he was working on something. That's why he didn't even see it. If I want him to pick up his socks.

John [00:41:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:42]: I need to be like, hey, can you take a minute to pick up your socks? Or you still working on the middle of this? Like, can you do that as soon as you're done? Like, you need to embrace these things so that you can appreciate your partner more. Because you're also not appreciating your partner if you're constantly like, well, why don't you think? Like, I think exactly.

John [00:42:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:01]: And so I don't want people to feel bad, like, and beat themselves up because they've been operating from a place like this. But you do have to open your eyes now that you've been exposed to it.

John [00:42:13]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:13]: And it will make you happier.

John [00:42:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:16]: To do this.

John [00:42:17]: Because. Because the judgment, when I say don't judge, it also means yourself.

Nicole [00:42:22]: Right.

John [00:42:23]: Like, try to understand why you're doing things.

Nicole [00:42:25]: Right.

John [00:42:26]: Because sometimes we just judge ourselves.

Nicole [00:42:28]: Look, I hated men or was pissed at men and, like, all the things that women might say that they feel right now, but I don't feel that way anymore. And, you know, I look back and I had certain knowledge that painted my reality that way, but it wasn't really reality. It was all the things that had happened to me and that I believed from other people. And that's what's happening to everybody, men and women. But only you can shift to this place that is better. It's more loving, it's more peaceful.

John [00:43:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:04]: Only you can go from full of hate and, you know, disgust or whatever, like. Like anger, whatever you're feeling towards men and. Or women, if you're a guy, and shift to a place of understanding.

John [00:43:20]: Right. Because it just. It's painful to be there right in that place. Like you're just filling yourself with negative emotions right there with that quote which you read about. And smack myself in the face. The dumb. The other book. But I posted on my Instagram about how our natural state of being is one of joy and happiness and love. It's not negative emotions. People are like, oh, negative emotions are just part of life. No, bullshit. They're not just part of life. They're part of life that you're choosing.

Nicole [00:43:53]: It's part of your brain.

John [00:43:54]: It's what you're choosing. You're choosing negative emotions. It's not just life. Positive emotions and negative emotions. No, the negative emotions are optional. That's an optional part. That's not your native state. That's not what your soul is designed to be living in. You know, so.

Nicole [00:44:10]: And some people are so far in that. And yeah, in the book, the don't believe everything you think. The mantra is thinking is the root cause of suffering.

John [00:44:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:20]: And it's true. If you really think about it without thinking too hard about it, it is. I mean, if you think hard about it, you'll probably feel negative emotions. And so you know that it's true.

John [00:44:30]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:44:31]: But, but like I mentioned earlier, a thought is something that comes to you. It's not something you ruminate on and judge. Yeah, but thinking is, is. Yeah, it's all of those negative things. It's all. It's letting your thoughts literally spiral and going to all these places, it's dwelling.

John [00:44:49]: It shouldn't go because you can focus where your thoughts, where your. Where your thinking goes.

Nicole [00:44:53]: Right.

John [00:44:54]: You can't. Your thoughts can come.

Nicole [00:44:56]: Right.

John [00:44:56]: But your thinking is what you achieve. You're holding onto a thought. You're holding on to a. You're directing your focus at that point.

Nicole [00:45:02]: And I think it was the same book, but it's also too, the more that you look at the reality of things. One of the examples was like, okay, there's two people in a coffee shop and one person, it's the best day of their life, they just got a job and whatever, another person, it's the worst day of their life. They just lost their job. But the reality is they're both in a coffee shop, they're both sitting there. It's all the other things that paint the reality and that's the thinking. And yes, like, if you lose your job, that is a hard thing. Like, no one's saying you can't have emotions. But the more that you think of all the bad, negative things and allow your mind to spiral in that direction, then the More, you'll feel that way. And even if you have something happy happen, right. Your mind can spiral you into now not being excited about that happy thing that happened.

John [00:45:53]: Exactly. Yeah. So, but as the animal that is you, right? It doesn't know that. Like, it doesn't. You're losing your job. Doesn't matter. Like, you're. You're sitting there in a coffee shop and you're alive and you're breathing, right? And what's happening now, right. That's the animal in you. Right? Like, if you put a dog into a coffee shop, a dog's not like, oh, man, this morning, it was rough, man. I was out there. I was out there for a long time. I don't know. I can't tell time range that. But it was long. It was like, I don't know. I went to the door, I went back, I went to the door again. Still didn't open. I see him. He's up there on the ladder, hoping he's falling down, but also hoping he doesn't fall, because then he won't get me out of here. Doc's not thinking that. Doc's like, oh, treat, right? Like, that's how we should be a little bit. It's just like, you know, it's. It's happy. Like, what. What's going on now? As opposed to, like, we put all this. The thought is the worry, right? They're like, worrying is thought about the future and regret is thought about the past. Right. And so both of those things are negative. Right.

Nicole [00:47:05]: Which also makes me feel like women are more prone to spiraling since we have diffused focus. And men probably are a little bit better at not allowing themselves to spiral off that far. But I'm not saying that it never happens, but. But that's also why I think men need to have a little bit more patience with women, because they are more prone to spiraling because they have multiple things going on in their head at all times most of the time. Like, I'm not saying a woman can't be singular focused on something. And honestly, maybe more women should try to at least get it down to as little things as possible. But, you know, I just think that guys need to understand where women are coming from, and women need to understand where men are.

John [00:47:47]: And you can see the negative and the positive, right? It's like, woman, what's the purpose of it? Why is a man being singular focused? Why is that good? Right? You can see the negative and be like, oh, yeah, they get on one track and then they're not thinking about other things or they ignore things that are important. It's like, well, the good of it is that a man, when he's set on something, he's not going to get stopped. He's going to prioritize and pick the thing that is most important and be focused on that. Right.

Nicole [00:48:17]: Get it done.

John [00:48:17]: Right. Whereas, you know, and with. With women, it's like, yeah, you can be like, you can look at the negative of, oh, she's spiraling and worrying about all these different things. But the positive aspect of that attribute is that she's paying attention to, like, taking care of people and like, making sure that you're. You got your lunch packed or whatever it is.

Nicole [00:48:37]: Yeah.

John [00:48:38]: All these things that are nurturing things that are. She's able to care for multiple people at one time and look at all these little details to make sure that, oh, did you think about this? Or, you know, and those are good things. So.

Nicole [00:48:51]: Right.

John [00:48:51]: You know, it's. But yeah, but you gotta have the mind of. The open mind of thinking of it that way.

Nicole [00:48:59]: That's true.

John [00:48:59]: So. But what you said was good too, about how it's like you don't know the experience. Like you don't know what someone else, like, you think that we've been. We think that we think like everyone else.

Nicole [00:49:11]: Right?

John [00:49:12]: And that's not true. And it's so funny because, see, in society, kind of programs like men and women are the same. It's not true. Right. But what's funny about that same thing is that people that say, oh, men and women are the same, it's just cultural conditioning or whatever it is, is that they would not say that a gay man thinks like a straight man. Like, you see a guy that's gay, you see his mannerisms and the way that he talks and the way he behaves, you would not say, oh, he must think exactly the same as, you know, that he's thinking differently than he's thinking in a more feminine way. So the same people that would say that we're all the same, if confronted with that, you would say, oh, yeah, no, that guy's definitely thinking differently. So, yeah, so maybe women think differently and maybe men think differently. Right. You know, what I'm saying is like, society's trying to try to push on us, that we all are the same. It's not true. And some of it is the way that our brains biologically in the womb, right. The. The having testosterone. Right. First of all, we all start out biologically as women, right?

Nicole [00:50:19]: Hell, yeah.

John [00:50:22]: The introduction of testosterone in the gestation period, that is what causes the female anatomy to become a penis. That's what happens is that in the lack of that in, you know, in that, in that period of development time, then you end up with some ambiguity. That's where hermaphrodites and like intersex people come from is something, you know, there, there's a couple of ways that that can happen. But the brain also, also is feminized initially, but it becomes masculinized by the presence of testosterone during pregnancy. And if that is lacking for some reason, then the brain can still be a feminine brain and you can have it where part of it is one and part is the other, right? Where you have a feminized man. That can happen, right? Genetically where. And it can even happen where genetically a person can be like, this is scientific fact. They can have an XY chromosome, okay? But because there wasn't testosterone present for whatever reason during the pregnancy at that gestation period, that they are a female, they're born a female, but when you look at their chromosomes, they're xy, they're a man. So what happened was it's all because of the chemicals in that process, right? Like the lack of having that testosterone hormone, you know, so anyway, that's just to say that the brains are different, right? And also, you know, because women are also like many times, oh, man, he just stinks with his dick, right? It's like, well, yeah, but not, not to justify. But look, if I injected you with, with as much testosterone as the guy had, you'd be thinking with other parts of your body as well. Like to, to a degree, you know what I'm saying? Like, it would be a different experience. And that's the thing. And, and the same thing. If I injected a guy with a bunch of estrogen, right? He would be, he would be also started be thinking about all these different things at one time and feeling emotions a lot stronger and, and going from one emotion to another, right? So it's, it's a different experience. And instead of judging and being like, oh, men think with their dicks, or women are crazy, you have to realize that there's, there's different hormones that are at play that actually do make your experience of the world different.

Nicole [00:52:54]: That's true. So that's very true.

John [00:52:57]: Do you want to get into the crazy hot matrix?

Nicole [00:53:00]: Because you were, you're going to have to get into that because you said.

John [00:53:03]: You know, how does that relate to the.

Nicole [00:53:05]: Yeah, so you brought that up. So you got to tie it in.

John [00:53:09]: So there's the, the crazy hot. The guy that was famously put together the crazy hot matrix. So the crazy hot matrix is like this idea that a woman as a woman is more hot on the hot scale, right. Then she's higher on the crazy scale. And his whole thing, he did this little thing where he was like, okay, this is the marriage zone. This is like the no go zone is like the crazy and hot. It's like too crazy, too hot. And then there's like also a no go zone is like not crazy at all, but not very attractive at all. And then there was like the prime, the marriage zone. But the relation is why are hot. Why is hot often associated with crazy? Well, I mean, you're the one who solved the equation, right?

Nicole [00:53:50]: You're expecting me to answer your question.

John [00:53:52]: That you posed, but you solved it, right? Which is that the women that are more on the, quote, crazy, the reason why they're more hot is because they're more feminine.

Nicole [00:54:06]: You think so?

John [00:54:07]: Yeah, because those are the. Because it's not that women are crazy, is that that men don't understand the feminine. And so the women that are more.

Nicole [00:54:16]: Feminine are more emotional or more things going on in their brain that they're worried about, I guess.

John [00:54:22]: Exactly. So that, you know, comes out that way.

Nicole [00:54:30]: So crack the code on that as well too, Right?

John [00:54:33]: Yeah. And some of it is also the social acceptability. Right. So this is the other piece of it. Right. Is that. But look, if you're a woman and you're not as attractive, can you get away with being more feminine in the way that men don't like?

Nicole [00:54:48]: You don't have pretty privilege.

John [00:54:49]: You don't have pretty privilege. Right, exactly. So what does a woman do? She learns to dull that side of her and be more masculine because she can't get away with it. Whereas if you're a woman, that's way on the attractive scale. Right. You can be more feminine, you can be more emotional and what unhinged, Right. What guys would call crazy. And.

Nicole [00:55:12]: Well, there is good crazy and bad crazy.

John [00:55:16]: Don't get me wrong.

Nicole [00:55:17]: Have your emotions and everything spewing everywhere. You still need to be emotionally intelligent and work on yourself in those ways. But I feel like the highest of the crazy are people that have not done that. They allow their emotions to spew over everybody and they don't care who they hurt in their path and you know, things like that. And I think that's like the top tier of crazy. And like you said, I guess the more attractive, since that matters a good deal to men, they're willing to deal with that and they're willing to deal with the unhingedness of it. But only to a certain extent as well too. Right. Like. Cause any person, man or woman, is not going to deal with someone that is super emotionally unintelligent, doesn't take responsibility for themselves, is not growing and is like, this is how I am. Which is what the top of that crazy scale would be.

John [00:56:12]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:56:13]: But in hotness wise, they'll hang out with them for a little bit.

John [00:56:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:16]: Or you know, be like, hey, I talked to this hot girl, but she was too crazy. And then that's why they want to land somewhere in the middle, because they do. And women will be like, oh, men love crazy. Or men love this. And like, like they don't love crazy, but deep inside of them, their masculine part loves the feminine part.

John [00:56:35]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:56:36]: And the emotional side of women, and that crazy part is what brings color to a man's world and makes the love deeper. And all of the emotions that you want to feel feel so much better. So men know that they need that.

John [00:56:54]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:55]: But they don't want too much or too little.

John [00:56:59]: The wrong version of it. Yeah. And I think that's key. One of my friends, Jack Donovan, he wrote a book called the Way of Men. And in that book he talks about what is a man like masculinity. Right. The honor, virtue, courage and proficiency. Right. And. And he says that there's a difference between a man, which, he's using the term man as masculine and a good man. But you can't say that just because a man is not a good man that he's not masculine or that he's not a man. Right. So he used the case of terrorists, like World Trade center bombers, Right. He's like, try to tell me these guys aren't men. They believed in a cause and they sacrifice their life for it. Now they're not good men. Right, Right. But they're very masculine. They're very men. Right. And so it's the same thing with the feminine as well. It's like a woman. And, and that's the, the thing, I think that to tamper this, to temper this, this episode is that we're not saying that, oh, I'm just a man, so I can just do man, I'm just like. Or I'm a woman, so I could just be crazy, you know, whatever.

Nicole [00:58:13]: Right.

John [00:58:15]: What we're saying is that you don't just embrace that and just say that, oh, you just love me, just who I am. There's a good side. There's a controlled side of it, a bat and a non controlled. A bat. Like the dark side of the feminine and the light side of the feminine, of the masculine as well. Right. We use the term toxic masculinity. Right. But if you're going to use that, then you would say toxic femininity. But those terms are bad terms because what it is is that there's the aspect of the feminine which is multitasking, diffuse focus, heavy emotional focus. Right. These things of being burdened by emotions more so there's aspects of the masculine, of drive and ambition and pushing through things and obstacles, and it's how they're directed. So a woman can be crazy in the sense that she slashes your tires, right?

Nicole [00:59:09]: That's unhinged.

John [00:59:11]: It's the feminine, the raw feminine coming from an unhinged place. It's not good. Right, right. But she can be also crazy in love with you. Crazy, you know, devoted to you in the sense that, you know, like there's, there's a good side of the things that you know of these attributes. Right. So that's the thing. We have to, you know, it's really to understand that, that, that there is, there is craze that you don't want.

Nicole [00:59:39]: Right?

John [00:59:40]: There is, there's dumb that you don't want, that you don't want. A guy that's just like. You can't just like excuse all guy behavior and be like, well, he just has a single track mind and he thinks with his dick. And so that's why he's out there cheating, you know, hitting up all the hoes. That's not excusable behavior. You can understand a little bit where it comes from. Right.

Nicole [01:00:00]: But it doesn't make it okay.

John [01:00:01]: Right. Just like you can understand a little bit about why she's slashing your tires and you know, and doing crazy stuff like that. But that doesn't make it okay. Right. So that's, that's the thing is that I think understanding those, that the distinction is important. So.

Nicole [01:00:18]: Yeah, because that's definitely not what we're saying is just to accept it in the way of the chaotic, unhealed version of the things that we're talking about.

John [01:00:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:00:28]: So.

John [01:00:28]: But you should help each other heal, right? You know, be like, maybe you should put down that knife.

Nicole [01:00:37]: You need to.

John [01:00:38]: Skip town, zip it up, buddy. But yeah, but you know, I mean, you should help each other.

Nicole [01:00:43]: Yeah, for sure.

John [01:00:45]: All right. I think that's. Do we have anything for our.

Nicole [01:00:50]: That's just supposed to be your side, but I don't think so.

John [01:00:55]: Got zilch. Got nothing. We just. We tried, you know, we. We dealt with a. An. A 13 year old that tried. She tried to turn us against each other. She tried to create chaos, but we didn't let her. We did not. We. We unified and we stuck together and we helped each other out. Yeah, there was some trying. There was a. Was it like, since the last time we. Yeah, there's. Yeah, definitely some.

Nicole [01:01:22]: We went through the ringer last week.

John [01:01:24]: Some yelling in my face type of stuff.

Nicole [01:01:27]: Yeah. You know, we made it out okay.

John [01:01:29]: Yeah, but. But yeah, but that's. And that's important, I think, as parents, is that you can't turn on each other.

Nicole [01:01:35]: Yeah.

John [01:01:36]: It's like under that stress, it's like you can't let a child become the thing that tears you apart right now, causes you to have. Have strife so.

Nicole [01:01:46]: Well, and being on the same page and, you know, talking about the things you're dealing with and supporting each other is the key.

John [01:01:55]: Yeah. Yeah. I guess there was that little. That one little moment where we turned it around, though, where you're getting a little overwhelmed. And then I was like, it feels like you're taking it out on me. And you're like, you're right, I'm taking it out on you. And then we turned it around. I mean, it just took not any time at all. So.

Nicole [01:02:12]: Yeah, because I realized I was, like, allowing my emotions to impact you in a way that I didn't want to happen at all, because you were the only thing that, you know, was lifting me up and trying to make me feel better. And I definitely didn't want you to feel like I was, like, trying to hurt you or upset. Be upset with you.

John [01:02:34]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [01:02:35]: So that's true.

John [01:02:37]: There we go.

Nicole [01:02:38]: All right, here we are.

John [01:02:40]: You know what to do. You gotta. You gotta hit that subscribe button and you gotta leave us a review and email us if you want. If you've got a question. We. Our email inbox is pretty lonely. It's just like pod match matches. Don't even know what that is. That's okay. All right, we'll see you guys next week.