John: Men are a little bit dumb and women are a little bit crazy. Now, we're going to tell you why this is in this episode. So, welcome to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole: I thought you were going to be like, where I'm a little bit dumb and she's a little bit crazy. A little bit dumb and crazy. Better than perfect. We stay through every fault we find our way. We'll divulge the details of your equation that... Oh, you want to just jump right in?

John: Well, no. I mean, we'll get to that in a minute here, but first, epiphany. First, we got to do some small talk, you know, talk about what's been going on. I think there was... I was trying to think there was some kind of comment that was on one of the videos or something that I was going to respond to. I don't remember what it was though. Do you remember what the...

Nicole: There hasn't been as many. Someone recently on like episode 69 said that they were so mad that we didn't have notes talking about the love blind people and then now you're like there was a comment I was going to talk about but now I forgot. That person's like, "I need to comment." They're like shaking. They're like, "They did it again. They didn't listen to my comment." I mean, I do agree. I think we should maybe we should even just avoid the love is blind talk because it's... I remember most of the people, but yeah, I feel like you can't remember their names, which I get because there's a lot of people on the show, but...

John: But there was a guy talking about the prenup thing again, right? And so he had a pretty good point about the prenup thing, which was that he was like, "If you do not get a prenup, then you will get a prenup appointed to you by the state government because the default state divorce laws are your prenup." Like they're dictating.

Nicole: Yeah.

John: Which I get that that makes sense. That's actually probably the best argument that I've heard for a prenup. I still don't buy it completely because it's like if you're saying well you should at least have one that you've created rather than the state one. Okay, I can get that side of it but at the same time the whole idea is that you're committing 100% that there is no... So if it's like oh the state one sucks well then screw it the state one sucks. Like I'm going to because I'm never going to need to use it. I'm never going to need to use it. So, who the hell cares? You see what I'm saying? So, that's why like it's a really good argument. Like, the guy's smart and it makes sense from a legal perspective. Again, like and this is what I tell guys all the time when they're asking about the prenup thing. I'm like, it is smart for you to get a prenup. Like, it's sound financial advice for you to get a prenup, for you to do all these things, but it's bad relationship advice. But it's not... I'm not giving you sound financial advice. That's not what I'm giving you. If you want to have a relationship where you've burned the boats and you're all in, that's what...

Nicole: Yeah. We're not saying that a prenup is not smart because financially like you said it is smart. It makes sense. It's logical. However, if you're entering into a marriage, it's not the right decision because it's a safety net like you said from the very beginning. It does allow people to be a little bit more lazy and less involved in maintaining their relationship because they have less to lose. Like you said, you said it perfectly that if the state way is the crappier way, that actually incentivizes you more to not leave the relationship. And it should incentivize you more to make sure you're making the right decision. Like I understand people change and like things can happen, but really they don't change that much. So, it should not only incentivize you to make the right decision when you do get married, it should incentivize you to work on that marriage to stay married and happy and not even have to worry about it.

John: Yeah. It's not the smart decision to, you know, it's like I get it. Like when guys are like, "Oh, these hoes. Yeah, today with these hoes I'm going to get a prenup." I get it. But if you're thinking that then no then you're not getting... you know...

Nicole: Exactly. Alright. It's like yeah if your mindset is oh these hoes okay then you're right then you should get a prenup if you were going to get married which you shouldn't do but it's a smart move to get a prenup but it's not the move that will... you know it again it's like if you're like oh I wouldn't want to take that risk.

John: Mhm. I agree with you. Don't take that risk. If you haven't watched this podcast enough to make it where you're like, "Oh, this is not a risk. Getting married is not a risk for me." If you haven't, you know, gotten the knowledge to understand that you can make it not a risk for you, then don't get married.

Nicole: Yeah, that's it. No, you're right. Right. That's it. So, yeah. So, it's not like we're dumb and we don't understand the legality and the smartness of a and that most marriages end in divorce. Right. But I learned a new statistic which I was gonna say for when we talk about the book, but we can bring it up again too is that yes, most people end up getting a divorce or more than half. Right. Right. But 80% of those divorced people remarry those stupid... Wow. You're one of them.

John: But why do you think that is before we get into the actual episode? Like, why do you think that is? Because people want love and they want to be happy, and it's worth the risk. And so, that's why too when people talk about the prenup, you're not really risking anything.

Nicole: Yeah. Like, I get that, you know, maybe if you've already lost half your stuff, you're going to get a prenup or you want to or whatever, but also if you've already been through that, you sure as hell better make sure you're picking the right person the second time around. You, I mean, yeah, it kind of goes both ways. It's kind of like just as you're saying that, I'm thinking about the heart attack patient, you know, the guy that has a heart attack and there's like, I can't wait to get out of the hospital so I can go eat me some bacon and eggs for breakfast. You think genuinely most people who go through a divorce, which you've said is the hardest thing of your life, are going to risk going through that again? But they do.

John: But for just anybody that they think is going to happen again. The statistics on second marriages are worse than on first marriages. That's true. So, they are more likely to even get a divorce again. But because once you've gotten a divorce once, right then you're more, it's even the same thing where people are like even if you break up with a lot of people, right? If you get into serious relationships and you break up with people or you're very casual in relationships, like you're, it's very easy for you to drop people and so you kind of train yourself on being able to do that.

Nicole: But what you're saying and I agree with is that that statistic is important because it does show that people want like even though there's people saying, "Oh, I don't want that." No, you do want that. You just don't believe in it anymore. You don't know how to get it anymore, right? You've been hurt. You've been burned and that's why you're bitter and angry. And I get it. But that's why you need to subscribe. Subscribe to the podcast.

John: Yeah. Listen, because we're just, you know, we're just out here every single week just trying to get you straight so that you won't have to get a divorce. Yeah. And you don't even need a prenup. There you go. That's true. All right. So, let's get into your equation here. So, the premise of this, I'll set you up for it, is that

Nicole: Well, I was going to say this actually came from our daughter.

John: Oh, yeah.

Nicole: Yeah. Go ahead. You do it then.

John: Yeah. We were eating dinner, like finishing up dinner, and she was like, "Yeah, I was talking, you know, about this phenomenon where all men are at least a four on the dumb scale and all women are at least a four on the crazy scale." And of course, when we first started talking about, I'm like, I'm not a four.

Nicole: And then you're like, you're one to three.

John: And I was like, three? I was expecting one to two. Like I definitely don't feel like I'm which qualified you definitely to the like your statement made you a four or above, you know.

Nicole: Wow. Well, I don't think I'm a four still. I think everybody has a capability, but you know, we were talking about different kind of crazy. We were joking. We were mostly talking about the women being crazy cuz, you know, men love to say those things. But yeah, the men also being a four on the dumb scale. That's what's really kind of like The dumb scale though when you say four in the dumb scale just because I know that I was confused by this which kind of proves the point look actually it it proves the opposite of it because I'm thinking about these things right but you didn't know which one it was zero to the dumb scale is 0 to 10 right and the closer you get to 10 the more dumb you are not the smart scale the smart scale would be 0 to 10 and the closer to 10 would be you'd be more smart. So, a four on the smart scale is closer to the dumb side, right? A four on the dumb scale is closer to the smart side like that. You're that but that's the lowest you can be as a man is you're going to be at least some dumb, right?

John: Yeah, that's the lowest you can be. And as a woman, is smart, 10 is dumb.

Nicole: Yeah. And as a woman, you're going to be at least some crazy. There's like this is the minimum threshold. We're not talking about the maximum. There is no maximum on dumb or crazy. Okay. Well, it's 10 for right now.

John: Yeah. But it goes past that. You know, it's like, you know, that just so we can measure. It's a logarithmic scale, right? It's like it's not it's a logarithmic scale, right? So, uh anyway, anyway, we just the dumb scale is about the dumbness. Increases in the scale equal increases in dumbness.

Nicole: Yes. Yes. So, as you can tell by watching this, we just proved this point, but I actually debunked it further when we were talking about it with our daughter. So, I was thinking about it and I was like, "Okay, well, why are men dumb and why are women crazy?" Right? And then it like a light bulb went off and I was like, "Men are four on the dumbness scale."

John: Uh-huh.

Nicole: Because they're singular focused. And so women when they view men, right, they're like, "He's dumb. He didn't even see his socks sitting right there or he can't find the hot sauce in the fridge." Right. And like to women, those things seem dumb.

John: Yeah.

Nicole: And but really, it's because a man has a singular focus and even if he might be looking for the hot sauce in the fridge, right, his mind might be on something else. They can't even be on the one thing at a time.

John: Exactly. Right. You got So they do come across as dumb because they're only thinking about one thing at a time where women right come across as crazy because we're literally thinking about 10 things simultaneously at the same time which to men is crazy. They could never do that. And if they try to think about more than one thing at a time they totally lose their mind and they would be crazy.

Nicole: Yeah. Exactly. Right. They would go crazy. So they view women as

John: Crazy. Because women operate on this capacity to think about multiple things at one time, like, "Would you love me if I'm a worm?" A man would never even think about that. He's got more important things to think about, like his job or, you know, his food he's going to go eat or make or whatever. And so these are the real reasons why men are dumb and women are crazy.

Nicole: Yeah. Is that because of the way that we think. And I swear ever since I read that Queen Code book, and I know I talked about it when we talked about the Queen's Code book.

John: Yeah. That was the biggest thing for me in that whole book because it explains why we think the things we think about each other. Why women think men are dumb and why men think women are crazy because it comes from this truly not being able to understand how the other person thinks and that it is genuinely different than one another, right?

Nicole: Yeah. Because we're constantly putting our own ways of doing things onto our partner without really realizing that they don't have the same capacity that we do. And a lot of times you hear women upset, they're like, "Well, I can do it. Why can't he do it?" And then men being like, "Well, why can't she just calm down? Like, it's fine, right?" Like, we genuinely don't have the same capacities for those things. Our minds literally work in different ways.

John: And if anybody steals this idea because I know you will see crazy level 10 first. Yes. For like 80% certainty because I'm not 100% because I haven't seen everything on the internet that this is the first I've ever heard anybody talk about this. It's definitely going to show up on that one dude's podcast who steals everything. The what's his name? Who? The guy. The monk guy who steals everything. Who the love guy? His he had what's his name? J. Shetty.

Nicole: Yes. If you steal my idea, I will sue you. But no, honestly, all I want is for people to genuinely understand because I feel like men need to genuinely understand that women are different. That doesn't make them wrong. They're different. And women need to genuinely understand that men are different and that doesn't make them wrong.

John: And I think you should get the Nobel Prize for this obviously, but what if they contact me? I told John I'm like, I'm the Albert Einstein of relationships. But no, it is really funny though because you and I have been like kind of reading very similar books about like letting go or like our natural consciousness or state is like this joyful happy, you know, like divine sort of state, right?

Nicole: And in one of the books that I just finished, don't believe everything you think, he talks about like the less that you stew on something and the more you kind of open your mind and not allow like a ton of noisy thinking to go on, the more you download thoughts, right, directly from the universe that everything kind of clicks. And that's what I felt like when we were having that conversation. Like, yes, we were talking about it, right? But it was just like but it just downloaded into my brain and I was like eureka you know and so yeah it makes sense.

John: I mean it does but and it and it applies more than I mean because you're you're looking at or the primary way that you were talking about it was in the the men have a singular focus right and women have a diffuse focus when they're when they're looking at things and thinking about things. It applies to the vision, but it applies to the mind as well. But it's also just we as men perceive beyond the diffuse focus women things that women do or women being emotional as crazy, right?

Nicole: Because it's a different way that they're thinking and women when they perceive a man's the way that a man or not thinking as much, right? The way that he's thinking or what he does his actions, right? That those appear to be dumb. Even like even just like getting into a fight or like don't obey the rules and stuff like that. It's like that's dumb, right?

John: Well, it's not dumb if you understand what the masculine is and why that's important to the masculine, just like it's not crazy if you understand why women operate the way.

Nicole: Exactly. And so I think that's the thing is like men just automatically see these behaviors as crazy from women that are feminine behaviors and women see a lot of the masculine behaviors as brutish and dumb, right? Because they're looking at it from a feminine perspective. Whereas the reality is it's not that women are crazy. It's not that men are dumb, right? It's that they're different and the way that they think about things and operate is different and we don't understand. So we see it as something because we're trying to map it to our own system.

John: Exactly. Which we can't map it very clearly. You can't map it to your own experience. You have to have an outside understanding. And that's what we try to do on this podcast too.

Nicole: But if you understand it, you can be like, "Ah, okay, that makes sense." Like, "This is why this is, right?" Just like you don't know, you're not a dog, so you can't relate to what a dog is doing or thinking or feeling or dog behaviors or instincts.

John: Yeah. But if you talk to a dog trainer and the dog trainer is like, "Okay, this is what it means when your dog's doing this, instinctually a dog needs to dig or whatever, what you know, then you can understand it." You're never going to experience it. You're never be like, "Oh, I get it now because I have the urge, but you can understand it." And I think that it's crazy behavior because it makes sense to you now.

Nicole: Well, and it's damaging to be like men are a four on the stupid scale and women are four on the crazy scale. Because it's very similar to what you say a lot that if you give a dog a bad name, you might as well shoot the dog or whatever it is. Like it's a very negative way to look at the opposite sex. And instead, if you reframe it right for what it really is, which is the singular focus versus the diffused focus, then you have more empathy and understanding and appreciation, right, for the other person rather than being like, okay, well, I accept that he's going to be a four on the dumb scale, right? Or like, okay, I accept she's going to be a four on the crazy scale or whatever number that you think are. Four is a pretty low level.

John: Of acceptance, right? It's like I'm just using only a four. Only a four is more like, "Oh damn, dude. Only a four. That's cool. You're good. Like, don't complain about four. Don't complain about four." Look, you're doing the exact same thing right now.

Nicole: No, no, but what I'm saying though is, don't complain about four. Like, if that's what you're perceiving, don't complain about any of it. If someone's too dumb or too crazy for you and you've already shifted your perspective to try to understand them from a different place and you still feel that way about them, dump them immediately.

John: Exactly. I don't care if you're married, I don't care whatever. Because if you think that about your partner, that's horrible. But I just feel like it's important and part of the reason we do this is to get people to appreciate each other, right? Because there's so much negativity and hate towards one another, but yet we want each other. That's also why I mentioned the percentage of people that get divorced who get remarried in the beginning of this because deep down we all want a partner to share life with and the more that you understand the differences and appreciate those things or like right now hold your partner to the standard of where they're actually at versus yourself because I know like in the Queen's episode, she talks a lot about women are upset with men because they're comparing men to a woman's standard of what she does and what she's capable of.

Nicole: Exactly. And he never lives up to that because he can't do five things at one time. His brain literally will not allow him to do those things. So instead of what I feel like society pushes is like we're all the same. Like yes, we're all human beings. We're all breathing air. We're all, you know, doing eating food, you know, the basic human things that yes, we all do the same thing, but literally we are not the same mentally. Like our brains are not the same. Literally, they look at infants, right, or kids or babies still in the womb, right, and they can tell even by their brain if it is a male or a female, right?

John: Yeah. And so instead of dismissing all of that, right, like we should be talking about it. It should be intertwined in the things that are on the media and in social media and things that we're engaging with instead of perpetuating all the hate and all the division. Like we have enough division. Like we need to get to a point where we accept each other for who we actually are and appreciate those things and appreciate what your singular focus brings to our relationship and what my diffused focus brings to our relationship because we have both of those things. We can do so much more right than if I was trying to force you to think like a woman and you were trying to force me to think like a man.

Nicole: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What you're describing is understanding instead of judgment, right? Because it's judgment and it's I hate it when I hear guys say, "Oh, women are just crazy, right? Like don't try and understand like they're just crazy that it's such a copout to leave it at that. It's like, well, do you can't understand women, they're just crazy or women think the same thing about men. Men are just dumb. It doesn't make sense what they're doing. It's just dumb. It's like if you just are willing to accept that women are crazy. I'm like, "No, no, that's not true. There's a reason why people are doing the behaviors that they're doing." Like you're judging instead of understanding. If you say, "Oh, women are crazy. Women are just crazy. You can't understand them." Then it's impossible to understand a woman. Then you're just judging, right? Instead of trying to understand. But when you try to understand, that's where empathy comes into play and that's where you gain some actual knowledge and wisdom that you can use in interacting with women. But if you just simplify it by just trying to say, "Oh, no, they're just crazy." Like, you can't then what are you going to do? You're not going to get anywhere. And that's it's not true. It is you have to understand fundamentally that they think differently. And then it's also interesting too because if a woman is seeking a guy that's not dumb, right? Then she's going to marry a gay guy. She like that's probably not what most women want to marry, right? And then a guy that's looking for a girl that's not crazy is going to probably marry a dude, right? Like that's what it's going to be. Like you don't actually want that. You think you want that as a woman. You think you want a guy that's not dumb in the way that you know that obviously you want a man to have some level intelligence, but the things that you call dumb, right? You think you don't want those and just like guys like, "Oh, I don't want a woman that's crazy." No. No. You think you don't want those things, but you do want those things because they're different. Because if you had a woman that wasn't crazy at all that you're just like, she's just logical like a dude that you wouldn't enjoy that very much.

John: This is boring.

Nicole: Yeah. Yeah. It would be boring, right? Even though guys don't like the worm question, they do. It's not the worm question. It's what is behind it. That's the You don't want to stamp that out, right? That's an important aspect of humanity and something that you want a woman to be so concerned with you loving her that she would want to know if you would if she was a worm. Like, it's not crazy.

John: Yeah, it's like even dissecting that one, right? Why is the worm question not crazy even though it seems crazy to a man? Why? Because what it is is it's feminine in the sense that two things. A woman wants to feel secure. Security is very important to her and knowing that you love her even like no matter what she knowing that if you if she asks a crazy question and you're still going to give her an answer and reassure her that that increases that security, right? And then also I think there's also an aspect to the feminine of wanting to be seen and to if you're a worm and I still love you then I see you.

John: I don't just see your appearance because women know that their appearance will fade over time. And so it's a way of really asking, "Do you see who I am? Do you see me?" As a man, we don't think those things, right?

Nicole: Right. To a degree, everyone wants to be seen, but those aren't our primary focus. And you're not going to ask, "Would you love me if I was a worm?" You're just going to ask, "Would you love me?" No matter what. It's more straightforward. But yeah, people can either fight against it, which is what they're doing now, or embrace it. And the reason you should embrace it is because the second you do, you can make your relationship better by working together and using your strengths as different sorts of people to accomplish more things.

John: Since I know that you're singularly focused, if I, as a woman, really need you to focus on something, I will say, "Hey, John, I really need your attention. Do you have time right now, or can you stop what you're doing and do this for me?" That sets you up for success because I know how you operate, and you can understand my emotion and thinking better.

Nicole: Yeah, that you can understand where I'm coming from, and it's just me operating the way that I am, and that you have more capacity to deal with that because you understand that there are five or six other tabs open in my brain that aren't open in yours. Or even just the way that you're approaching life and the things that are of primary importance to you are different from the feminine where you're more emotionally centered.

John: Excuse me.

Nicole: It's about how you're feeling now. Like the dumb burping man. Well, and men want to help women, right? So, the more that you have the capacity to deal with her emotions or thoughts and help her work through them, you close a tab.

John: Exactly. And that gives her a little bit more peace in her mind. When I first read the Queen Code and it talked about how men are singularly focused and women are diffusely focused, I thought life would be so much more peaceful if I could only focus on one thing at a time.

Nicole: But the thing is, you can help her. She's not going to be singularly focused, but you can help her get to a more peaceful state by closing some of those tabs. It's really important to realize because the dumb thing and the crazy thing you see so much in the culture today. And it's like, even if people think it's not that big of a deal to call somebody dumb or crazy, how are you expecting to have the love and relationship that you want when you're calling the person you're with or other people that are similar to your partner dumb or crazy? You're dismissing their behavior instead of trying to understand it.

John: Right. Do you want to hear a dumb story?

Nicole: Do I want to hear dumb?

John: So this morning, I left Toto outside for a long time. But let me tell you why. It wasn't super long, it was like 10 minutes, but the smoke alarm was going off this morning because the battery was dead. So, I was focused on making sure that you weren't going to get woken up from your sleep with this chirping. That was my one-track mind focus on the smoke alarm, and I'm not thinking about Toto anymore because I'm thinking about the smoke alarm. So, I was going to the garage to get the ladder, changing the battery. Meanwhile, Toto's watching me do all this and she's like, "He's going to leave me out here forever." I think I owe Toto my undivided attention. I gave her a double treat.

Nicole: But that's a good example because a woman could do that. She could take the dog out, go to the garage and get the ladder, maybe sets up the ladder, doesn't get on it, goes and gets the dog, then goes and does the thing. It's not like I'm not doing a lot of things in the morning at the same time, but my mind became super focused because I was like, I need to make sure that Nicole isn't going to get woken up by this.

John: But see, there's not a thought. Like, you're thinking women are multi-threaded, multiple tabs open, but that's the confusion right there. So, you didn't even think about Toto at all. That doesn't even cross the mind at all.

Nicole: Women everywhere are gasping. That's how it is. It proves the point.

John: It's like it doesn't even cross the mind. But for you, it's hard to fathom that it doesn't even cross the mind because if it feels dumb to you. Like, how could you not think about it? You just let a dog out. How do you not think about needing to let the dog back in, right? Because that would be how a woman would think. But a guy doesn't think that way at all. It's not that I'm a dumb person. No. I'm not irresponsible. I'm on top of a lot of stuff. I got my schedule. I do all kinds of stuff, right? But when it comes to you and your well-being, my focus is on that. And so those other things don't get my focus. I can only have one focus at a time.

Nicole: The door was closed?

John: Yeah, the door was closed. So you closed her out. A Toto. She was like, but then she was like, "Oh, double treat. Sure, that's fine. It's worth it. Forgiven."

Nicole: Okay. Which is a little preview for the next episode. But yeah.

John: It just seemed very important even to explain to our daughter when we were talking about it. You know, and I've talked to her about the concept of singular focus and women have diffused focus because she's dealing with, you know, a crush in school, which is normal. Everybody's been there and she'll be like, "Well, why didn't he text me back and I text him back?" And I have to be like, "It's not that we don't think the same, you know." And I think it's important to teach her that from very early on in the right way. Like I don't want her to hate men. I don't want her to think men are stupid, right? You know, and I don't want her to think that she's crazy for thinking things and crazy for feeling the way that she feels. It's just different. Like we're just different. And you know that's important for people to understand and truly understand where we even got these ideas to make up sayings like this.

Nicole: Yeah, it's sad that a 13-year-old would think that men are dumb and women are crazy.

John: Yeah, that's a sad thing that she was certain of it, right? It's not like she was just... I mean, she was certain. But everybody would think that, you know, like based on how society is today, a lot of people would think the same exact thing so I can't even fault her. But that's also why we're here, to try to change the narrative to one that is beneficial to everybody and actually gets people what they want because the thing is, and I've said this multiple times, you can't hate or think poorly about the thing that you want. You will never get it. If you genuinely, as a woman, think that men suck or they're dumb or you hate them or whatever, right, you will never get the love from a man that you really want because you're grouping everybody into this thing. And same with men. They're like, "Women are stupid and they're, you know, all these derogatory names and like they're not worth it and they're crazy." Do you think you're going to find the woman of your dreams by thinking that about women? Right. So instead of coming up with all these things to prove why the other sex is wrong or bad or whatever, yeah, why don't we actually learn how to understand each other and appreciate each other. I'm not saying that if you run into somebody that treats you poorly, abuses you, whatever, that you should stay with them or like be like, "That's just guys being guys." Because one of our very early episodes is why, you know, people saying like oh men will be men, that that's not acceptable, right? But you know, understanding how a man operates and working with him because you understand where he's coming from is different.

Nicole: Exactly, yeah. No, I think that's super important because if you have curiosity instead of judgment and then you're seeking understanding, you're going to be in a better place, right? You're just... it's also going to help you because if you're going through life and like, "Oh, women are crazy. Can you believe this crazy stuff that women did or this woman did or whatever?" Or the same thing if you're like, "Oh, men are dumb. Can you believe the stupid stuff that men do or that this man did or this man did on the internet or whatever it is," then you're just going to be upset all the time because if you're looking for crazy, you're going to find crazy. If you're looking for dumb, you're going to find dumb. But that's the lens that you're looking through. You're the one who's ignorant because you're filtering things through that lens, right? Like you're not seeing the bigger picture of why the behavior. But if you start to say, "Stop judging and start to say, 'Okay, I wonder why.'" Even when you do, you know, date someone who's a jerk or whatever, it's like, not like instead of immediately judging them and saying, "Oh, they're so bad or wrong." Like you don't have to be with them. That's not what I'm saying. But if you start to say, "Well, I wonder why. I wonder what... like curiosity instead of the judgment," then you might learn something and you might see why people behave the way they do. There's always a reason why people do what they do. And every single person that ever does any kind of action thinks that they're justified in the action and they definitely have a reason for it. And so if you get that, like no one is just out here just doing random stuff for no reason at all. Right. You know, so they have some reason for it. It might not be a good reason when you come down to it, right? But you can be curious and try to understand what that reason is. And again, as far as men and women, the differences, you'll find that there is a good reason in many cases. So, well, yeah, even in the Queen's Code, she talks about asking a man, you know, or saying, "I know you probably did this for a good reason. Explain that to me," sort of thing. Like, ask, like you said, ask questions if you don't know, rather than assuming, "Oh, it's because he's stupid and, you know."

John: He saw it or just didn't want to do it. Because I mean, I'm glad you told the Toto story even though I feel bad for Toto because it just proves the point that we're trying to get across. It is different, and like you explaining it, because if you told me this and you didn't fully explain it, I would be like, "Well, why did you neglect Toto?" And you're like, you were trying to make it so I didn't wake up because I was still sleeping, you know, and that helps me understand, you know, how you got on one track versus another track, you know, and so it's just important. Yeah. Because there's always a reason, right? And there's nothing perhaps more hurtful or disempowering than being judged for an attribute of who you are, of what not something that you've intentionally done wrong, being judged for that. Okay. Right. But if it's just how you think or how you operate, you know, the worst thing is when you're trying to do something good and then someone judges you for it. Right. Right. That's the worst feeling because you're trying to do something good. You didn't know, you know, and so that's where it's like if you just pull back the judgment and instead have an understanding or seeking, you know, the curiosity instead of judgment, then you save that harm because, you know, when women are doing what they're doing, they're just living, right? They're not trying. We don't want to have six tabs open at one time. Yeah. When men are doing what they're doing, just like you said with this morning with Toto, like do am I willfully neglecting a dog? No, obviously not. I would not do that, right? But so there's some reason behind it. There's something that's going on, right? And it turns out to be a good one, right? But sometimes the question's never asked and just a judgment comes and then you're never going to find out the real reason why someone did something or what they were trying to do because they don't feel safe to now talk about that.

Nicole: So, that's why it's important. Well, and I don't want people to beat themselves up because I genuinely feel like no one I know was ever taught not to compare another person based on how they think, right? You know, like men and women, I've never heard somebody say, you know, as a woman, don't compare a man to another woman. Like, and even if they have, they haven't explained it in this way where I feel like it makes a lot of sense. And like I said, even in the Queen's Code book, she explained it and it did make sense to me then, but hopefully this makes sense to people. It's deeper into that, right? Like she touched on it, but I think we're really getting deep into this topic and I've not heard anybody really talk about that. And same with men. Like men very much call women crazy because they can't even fathom thinking about the amount of things a woman is thinking about and having the level of emotions and things popping up that women have. And so it is crazy to them. But the thing is instead of being like, "Oh, well that's crazy because I don't think like that." You should empathize with that person just like women. Instead of being like, "Oh, he's so dumb. I can't believe he didn't see his sock sitting right there." Yeah. If I want him to pick up his socks, I need to be like, "Hey, can you take a minute to pick up your socks or are you still working on the middle of this? Like, can you do that as soon as you're done?" Like, you need to embrace these things so that you can appreciate your partner more because you're also not appreciating your partner if you're constantly like, "Well, why don't you think like I think?" Exactly. Yeah. And so I don't want people to feel bad like and beat themselves up because they've been operating from a place like this. But you do have to open your eyes now that you've been exposed to it. And it will make you happier, right, to do this because the judgment when I say don't judge it also means yourself, right? Like try to understand why you're doing things, right? Because sometimes we just judge ourselves. I hated men or was pissed at men and like all the things that women might say that they feel right now, but I don't feel that way anymore. And you know, I look back and I had certain knowledge that painted my reality that way, but it wasn't really reality. It was all the things that had happened to me and that I believed from other people. And that's what's happening to everybody, men and women. Yeah. But only you can shift to this place that is better. It's more loving. It's more peaceful. Yeah. Only you can go from full of hate and you know disgust or whatever like anger, whatever you're feeling towards men and or women if you're a guy and shift to a place of understanding, right? because it's just it's painful to be there in that place like you're just filling yourself with negative emotions, right? That quote which you read about in and they smack myself in the face the dumb that other book but I was I posted on my Instagram about how like our natural state of being is one of joy and happiness and love. It's not negative emotions. People are like, "Oh, negative emotions are just part of life." No, they're not just part of life. They're part of life that you're choosing to have. It's what you're choosing. You're choosing like negative emotions. It's not just life is positive emotions and negative emotions. No, the negative emotions are optional. That's an optional part. That's not your native state. That's not what your soul is designed to be living in, you know. So, and some people are so far in that. And yeah, in the book, the don't believe everything you think. Yeah. The mantra is thinking is the root cause of suffering. Yeah. And it's true if you really think about it without thinking too hard about it. It is. I mean, if you think hard about it, you'll probably feel negative emotions and so you'll know that it's true. Exactly. But like I mentioned earlier, a thought is something that comes to you. It's not something you ruminate on and judge. But thinking is it's all of those negative things. It's all it's letting your thoughts literally spiral and going to all these places it shouldn't.

John: Go because you can focus where your thoughts, where your thinking goes, right? You can't control that your thoughts can come, but your thinking is what you're holding on to, a thought you're directing your focus at that point. And I think it was the same book, but it's also too the more that you look at the reality of things. One of the examples was like okay, there's two people in a coffee shop, right? And one person, it's the best day of their life. They just got a job and whatever. And the other person, it's the worst day of their life. They just lost their job, but the reality is they're both in a coffee shop. Like they're both sitting there. It's all the other things that paint the reality. And that's the thinking. And yes, like if you lose your job, that is a hard thing. Like no one's saying you can't have emotions, but the more that you think of all the bad negative things and allow your mind to spiral in that direction, then the more you'll feel that way. And even if you have something happy happen, right, your mind can spiral you into now not being excited about that happy thing that happened.

Nicole: Exactly. Yeah.

John: So, but as the animal that is you, right, it doesn't know that like it doesn't, your losing your job doesn't matter. Like you're sitting there in a coffee shop and you're alive and you're breathing, right? And what's happening now, right? That's the animal in you, right? Like if you put a dog into a coffee shop, a dog's not like, "Oh man, this morning, it was rough, man. I was out there. I was out there for a long time. I don't know. I can't tell time or any of that but it was long. It was like I don't know. I went to the door. I went back. I went to the door again. Still didn't open. I see him. He's up there on a ladder hoping he's falling down, but also hoping he doesn't fall because then he won't get me out of here." Dogs not thinking that. Dogs like, "Oh, treat, right?" Like that's how we should be a little bit. It's just like, you know, it's happy like what's going on now as opposed to like we put all this the thought is the worry, right? That like worry is thought about the future and regret is thought about the past. Mhm. Right.

Nicole: And so both of those things are negative, right? So, which also makes me feel like women are more prone to spiraling since we have diffused focus and men probably are a little bit better at not allowing themselves to spiral off that far, but I'm not saying that it never happens. But that's also why I think men need to have a little bit more patience with women because they are more prone to spiraling because they have multiple things going on in their head at all times most of the time. Like I'm not saying a woman can't be singular focused on something. And honestly, maybe more women should try to at least get it down to as little things as possible. But you know, I just think that guys need to understand where women are coming from and women need to understand where men are. And you can see the negative and the positive of it, right? It's like a woman, you know, like what's the purpose of it? Why is a man being singular focused? Why is that good, right? You can see the negative and be like, oh yeah, they get on one track and then they're not thinking about other things or they ignore things that are important. It's like, well, the good of it is that a man when he's set on something, he's not going to get stopped. He's going to prioritize and pick the thing that is most important and be focused on that, right? and get it done, right? Whereas, you know, and with women, it's like, yeah, you can be like, you can look at the negative of, oh, she's spiraling and worrying about all these different things, but the positive aspect of that attribute is that she's paying attention to like taking care of people and like making sure that you got your lunch packed or whatever it is. all these things that are nurturing things that are she's able to care for multiple people at one time and look at all these little details to make sure that oh did you think about this or you know and those are good things. So right you know it's but yeah but you got to have the mind of the open mind of thinking of it that way.

John: That's true. So, but what you said was good too about how it's like you don't know the experience like you don't know what someone else like you think that we think that we think like everyone else, right? And that's not true. And it's so funny because society kind of programs like men and women are the same. It's not true, right? But what's funny about that same thing is that people that say, "Oh, men and women are the same. just cultural conditioning or whatever it is is that they would not say that a gay man thinks like a straight man. Like you see a guy that's gay, you see his mannerisms and the way that he talks and way he behaves, you would not think you would not say, "Oh, he must think exactly the same as you know that he's thinking differently than he's thinking in a more feminine way." Mhm. So the same people that would say that we're all the same, they would if confronted with that, you would say, "Oh yeah, no, that guy's definitely thinking differently." So yeah, so maybe women think differently and maybe men think differently, right? You know what I'm saying? Is like society's trying to push on us that we all are the same and that's not it's not true, right? And some of it is the way that our brains, you know, biologically in the womb, right? Uh the having testosterone, right? First of all, we all start out biologically as women, right? So, the introduction of testosterone in the gestation period, that is what causes the female anatomy to become a penis like that that's what happens is that in the lack of that in that period of development time then you end up with some ambiguity. That's where hermaphrodites and like intersex people come from is something you know there are a couple of ways that that can happen but the brain also is feminized.

John: Initially, but it becomes masculinized by the presence of testosterone during pregnancy. And if that is lacking for some reason, then the brain can still be a feminine brain. You can have it where part of it is one and part is the other, right? Where you have a feminized man. That can happen, right, genetically. And it can even happen where genetically a person can be, this is scientific fact, they can have an XY chromosome. But because there wasn't testosterone present for whatever reason during the pregnancy at that gestation period, they are a female. They're born a female. But when you look at their chromosomes, they're XY. They're a man. So what happened was it's all because of the chemicals in that process, right? Like the lack of having that testosterone hormone, you know?

Nicole: Brains are different, right? And also, you know, because women are also like many times, "Oh man, he just thinks with his dick," right? It's like, well, yeah, but not to justify, but look, if I injected you with as much testosterone as the guy had, you'd be thinking with other parts of your body as well, to a degree. You know what I'm saying? Like, it would be a different experience. And the same thing if I injected a guy with a bunch of estrogen, right? He would also start thinking about all these different things at one time and feeling emotions a lot stronger and going from one emotion to another, right? So it's a different experience. And instead of judging and being like, "Oh, men think with their dicks or women are crazy," you have to realize that there are different hormones at play that actually do make your experience of the world different.

John: That's true. So, that's very true. Do you want to get into the crazy hot matrix because you were...

Nicole: You're going to have to get into that because you said you knew how to relate to it. So, you brought that up, so you got to tie it in. So there's the crazy hot matrix, the guy that famously put together the crazy hot matrix. So the crazy hot matrix is like this idea that as a woman is more hot on the hot scale, then she's higher on the crazy scale. And his whole thing, he did this little thing where he was like, "Okay, this is the marriage zone. This is like the no-go zone is like too crazy, too hot." And then it was like also a no-go zone is like not crazy at all, but not very attractive at all. And then there was the prime marriage zone. But like the relation is why is hot often associated with crazy?

John: Well, I mean, you're the one who solved the equation, right? You're expecting me to answer your question that you posed. But you solved it, right? Which is that the women that are more on the quote crazy, the reason why they're more hot is because they're more feminine.

Nicole: You think so?

John: Yeah, because those are the acts because it's not that women are crazy, it's that men don't understand the feminine. So the women that are more feminine or more emotional or have more things going on in their brain that they're worried about, I guess.

Nicole: Exactly. So that comes out that way. So you crack the code on that as well, right?

John: Yeah. And some of it is also the social acceptability, right? So this is the other piece of it, right? Is that look, if you're a woman and you're not as attractive, can you get away with being more feminine in the way that men don't like? You don't have pretty privilege.

Nicole: Right. Exactly. So, what does a woman do? She learns to dull that side of her and be more masculine because she can't get away with it. Whereas, if you're a woman that's way on the attractive scale, right, you can be more feminine. You can be more emotional and what guys would call crazy and well, there is good crazy and bad crazy, don't get me wrong, have your emotions and everything spewing everywhere. You still need to be emotionally intelligent and, you know, work on yourself in those ways. But I feel like the highest of the crazy are people that have not done that. They allow their emotions to spew over everybody and they don't care who they hurt in their path and you know things like that. And I think that's like the top tier of crazy. And like you said, I guess the more attractive since that matters a good deal to men. They're willing to deal with that and they're willing to deal with the unhingedness of it. But only to a certain extent as well, right? Like because any person, man or woman, is not going to deal with someone that is super emotionally unintelligent, doesn't take responsibility for themselves, is not growing, and is like, "This is how I am," which is what the top of that crazy scale would be.

John: Exactly. But in the hotness wise, they'll hang out with them for a little bit, right? Or, you know, be like, "Hey, I talked to this hot girl, but she was too crazy." And then that's why they want to land somewhere in the middle because they do. And women will be like, "Oh, men love crazy or men love this." And like they don't love crazy, but deep inside of them, their masculine part loves the feminine part.

Nicole: Exactly. And the emotional side of women and that crazy part is what brings color to a man's world and makes the love deeper and all of the emotions that you want to feel feel so much better. So men know that they need that, right? But they don't want too much or too little. The wrong version of it.

John: Yeah. And that I think that's key that you know, one of my friends, Jack Donovan, he wrote a book called The Way of Men. And in that book, he talks about what is a man like masculinity, right? The honor, virtue, courage, and proficiency. So, and he says that there's a difference between a man, which he's using the term man as masculine, and a good man. But you can't say that just because a man is not a good man that he's not masculine or that he's not a man, right? So, he used the case of terrorists like World Trade Center bombers, right? He's

John: "Try to tell me these guys aren't men, right? They believed in a cause and they sacrificed their life for it. Now, they're not good men, right? But they're very masculine. They're very men, right? And so it's the same thing with the feminine as well. It's like a woman and..."

Nicole: "And that's the thing I think that to temper this episode is that we're not saying, 'Oh, I'm just a man, so I can just do man stuff,' you know, or 'I'm a woman, so I can just be crazy,' you know, whatever. What we're saying is that you don't just embrace that and just say, 'Oh, that's just who I am. You just love me.' There's a good side, a controlled side of it, a bad and a non-controlled bad like the dark side of the feminine and the light side of the masculine as well. Right? We use the term toxic masculinity. Right? But if you're going to use that, then you would say toxic femininity. But those terms are bad terms because what it is, is that there's the aspect of the feminine which is multitasking, diffuse focus, heavy emotional focus, right? These things of being burned by emotions more so. There are aspects of the masculine of drive and ambition and pushing through things and obstacles."

John: "It's how they're directed, right? So, a woman can be crazy in the sense that she slashes your tires, right? That's unhinged. It's the feminine, the raw feminine coming from an unhinged place. It's not good. Right. But she can also be crazy in love with you, crazy, you know, devoted to you in the sense that, you know, like there's a good side of these attributes, right? So, that's the thing we have to understand, that there is craze that you don't want, right? There's dumb that you don't want. You don't want a guy that's just like, 'Well, he just has a single track mind and he thinks with his dick and so that's why he's out there cheating, hitting up all the hoes.' That's not excusable behavior. You can understand a little bit where it comes from, right?"

Nicole: "But doesn't make it okay, right? Just like you can understand a little bit about why she's slashing your tires and doing crazy stuff like that, but that doesn't make it okay, right? So, that's the thing is that I think understanding the distinction is important. So, yeah, because that's definitely not what we're saying is just to accept it in the way of the chaotic unhealed version of the things that we're talking about. Yeah. So, but it should help each other heal. Right. Should be like, 'Maybe you should put down that knife. You need to skip town. Zip it up, buddy.' But yeah, you know, I mean, you should help each other. Yeah, for sure."

John: "All right. I think that's... Do we have anything for our... That's supposed to be your side, but I don't think so. We got zilch, got nothing. We just... we dealt with a 13-year-old that tried to turn us against each other. She tried to create chaos, but we didn't let her. We unified and we stuck together and we helped each other out. Yeah. There was some trying. There was... since the last time we... Yeah, there's... definitely some... We went through the ringer last time."

Nicole: "Yeah, some yelling in my face type of stuff, but you know, we made it out okay. Yeah. But that's important, I think, as parents is that you can't turn on each other. Yeah. It's like under that stress, you can't let a child become the thing that tears you apart, right? You know, it causes you to have strife. So, well, and being on the same page and talking about the things you're dealing with and supporting each other is the key. Yeah."

John: "Oh, I guess there was that little moment where we turned it around though where you're getting a little overwhelmed and then I was like, 'It feels like you're taking it out on me,' and you're like, 'You're right. I'm taking it out on you.' And then we turned it around just... it didn't take any time at all. So, yeah."

Nicole: "Because I realized I was allowing my emotions to impact you in a way that I didn't want to happen at all because you were the only thing that was lifting me up and trying to make me feel better and I definitely didn't want you to feel like I was trying to hurt you or be upset with you. Yeah."

John: "Yeah. So that's true. There we go. All right. Here we are. You know what to do. You got to hit that subscribe button and you got to leave us a review and email us if you want if you got a question. Our email inbox is pretty lonely. It's just like pod match matches. Don't even know what that is. That's okay. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Hey, through every fault, we find our way."