Nicole [00:00:00]: Information you want to know. You do a out of the blue, hey, let's. Let's look at each other's phones. I saw this TikTok where this guy was, like, doing this loyalty test and they swap phones. Let's do that. Or just ask to borrow her phone for a minute and see what happens.

John [00:00:11]: This seems so messy to me. That's why I would just be like, have the conversation. And based on their response be like, all right, well, you don't value this.

Nicole [00:00:18]: Relationship if they don't know it's coming. And you say, hey, can I look at your phone? How they respond to that in those few critical seconds will tell you all the information you need to know. Beyond the perfect, we discover through our flaws. We complete each other. Better than perfect. We stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the better than perfect podcast, where every week we show you how two imperfect people helping each other equals one better than perfect relationship. This is episode, what, 10 or 11? I don't know.

John [00:00:57]: You know, I keep up with the numbers, so we're.

Nicole [00:00:59]: We're getting there. So, yeah, we got a new sponsor this week, Starbucks. So not really. People thought maybe one day they thought that we had a sponsorship with Liquid Death. Yeah, that's what they thought.

John [00:01:12]: That would be cool.

Nicole [00:01:13]: They thought we were sellouts already. It's like you're just saying that because Liquid Death told you to sell it. I'm like, why did they tell us that?

John [00:01:19]: Now if you see us rolling up with Liquid Death T shirts on, then maybe you can believe something. But I would rock one of those.

Nicole [00:01:26]: So before we jump into the episode, I actually had something for you that I thought would be kind of spice things up a little bit here, surprisingly. Yeah. I'm surprising you with something. So I got a comment from someone on my YouTube channel on the bulldog mindset, and I thought this was interesting because I made a video on it, but I wanted to get your take on it. So he said here. He said, hey, John, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about six months, and I've noticed some consistent behaviors related to her phone usage that are causing me some concern. She keeps her Instagram notifications turned off and mutes no notifications almost all of her text conversations, including mine, although she's always very quick to respond to me. Additionally, she uses a privacy screen screen protector and habitually places her phone face down. She explains that she mutes everything to avoid being disturbed by constant notifications. And her. Her phone vibrating. I also want to Note that I noticed she has always had her phone set up like this from the beginning when we first started talking. Okay. She has never given me any reason to doubt her or not trust her in the past. And I understand that everyone has their own preferences regarding phone usage. I'm curious about your perspective on whether these behaviors could be considered a lack of transparency in a relationship. And as you often emphasize the importance of openness and honesty in relationships, I'm wondering if this could be a potential red flag. I'm wondering if this or. I'm hesitant to bring this up with her as I don't want to come across as insecure or distrusting your perspective on the situation would be greatly valued. So.

John [00:02:51]: So this is not the topic.

Nicole [00:02:53]: No, this is not the topic.

John [00:02:54]: It's just kind of.

Nicole [00:02:55]: Just a. Just a random. I was like, you know, because I did a video and then I was like, oh, maybe I should see. What. What do you think about that?

John [00:03:05]: Multiple things. So privacy screen, to me is just very weird in general.

Nicole [00:03:10]: Yeah, that's the weird one.

John [00:03:11]: Are you sending nudes all the time or something? Like, why do you need a privacy screen? Like, are you scared strangers are appearing over your shoulder? Like, and then if you're using it for, like, your partner or you don't want them to see, that's obviously. Yeah, that's flag. So I'm like, privacy screen in general.

Nicole [00:03:28]: Like, now, he said that she had it when they first. When he first met her, right?

John [00:03:32]: So that's where I'm like, is she really afraid that, like, these things are happening? Like, like, that people are peering over her shoulder just wherever she's at, like, the grocery store? Because that. That's very weird to me. I don't know. Like, so I don't get the point of those. But the other stuff, it's kind of tricky because even sometimes with you, I know you're not doing anything, but sometimes you flip your phone, put your phone down.

Nicole [00:03:58]: Like, this is my habit, because I don't want.

John [00:04:00]: Sometimes your notifications are silenced or whatever. And I'll be like, why? No, Like, I mean, well, that. Like, silence notifications. But even sometimes I'm texting you at random points during the day, and it's like this person has the phone on silent or whatever. So it's like. I wouldn't say that those things are, like, a red flag, right? The privacy screen, I just don't understand. But, like, and with men, it's different. If this was, like, a woman saying this, I'd be like, your intuition is like telling you something. Which it still might be the case for this guy, too. I'm not saying men can't have that, but women just tend to be able to tap into it easier. I mean, if he's concerned where he's noticing it, he needs to have a conversation if he hasn't already. And if she's like, this is just how it is, then to me, I'd be like, okay. Now the problem is that this person doesn't even care about what I'm trying to say and is not trying to, like, either, like, talk about it or, you know, change things if things need to be changed. So I would say it's not even like, all these things that are, like, a surefire. Like, yes, she's doing something shady. It's more so that, like, if you talk to her about it and express how you feel about it and she doesn't care, then that is all you need to know right there.

Nicole [00:05:32]: Right?

John [00:05:32]: Yeah, that's my opinion.

Nicole [00:05:33]: Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

John [00:05:34]: Because the same with the guy, like, if a girl was like, hey, you have a privacy screen and you're turning your phone over and you have your notifications off.

Nicole [00:05:40]: Yeah.

John [00:05:40]: And he was just like, you're just being insecure. I'd be like, yeah, look, if. If that's how you're responding to, like, me just, like, not coming at you, just being like, hey, like, I notice these things and it's probably me, like, freaking out a little bit. But, like, it has concerned me. If you just freaked out, I'd be like, okay, well, that. That tells me enough. Like, you're. I'm not saying that you're guilty.

Nicole [00:06:04]: Right.

John [00:06:05]: But the fact that you don't care is now the actual issue.

Nicole [00:06:09]: Yeah. The proper answer is my phone password. Is this, like, because right. Then it's like, I got. You know. Yeah, that's the. That's the easiest. You know what I mean?

John [00:06:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:19]: So. But I think most people can't actually do that, which is a concern. Right? Because. But most people can't actually do that. Right? So, I mean, I told them, like I said. I said based on the privacy filter thing, because the other things, I mean, it's good to have it actually. The other things, really, we should all turn our notifications off, put our phones down when we're talking to someone face down so that it doesn't show up and you don't get disturbed. So those are all good, like, practices. So there can be really good, valid reasons for it. She could just be really smart person and conscious of her time.

John [00:06:50]: Well, I don't have a lot of notifications on, actually. Like, notifications that show up on the app. Like, some will come through, you know, Like, I have some notifications on, but I don't. Like when I can see almost like the email, how many things are waiting for me. So I turn that off because then I feel like I'm clicking that app more.

Nicole [00:07:09]: Yeah.

John [00:07:10]: It's not to, like, hide.

Nicole [00:07:11]: No, no. Yeah.

John [00:07:12]: And that's myself from, like, constantly being on something, which I'm still constantly on some of the things, but, you know, it's just, like a helpful thing.

Nicole [00:07:19]: And that's. Yeah, that's why I turn off a lot of my notifications. But. But the privacy screen thing, then I was like, I mean, she could work a corporate job where she's dealing with financial or sensitive information that could be.

John [00:07:30]: And she's checking her phone.

Nicole [00:07:31]: But I think he. I think he would know that. The other thing is that.

John [00:07:35]: And wouldn't you have a work phone, like a separate phone?

Nicole [00:07:37]: I would think so. So. So my. My thing I suspected was that she's either doing only fans or she's got a sugar diet or some kind of thing going on that, you know, she had the privacy screen from the very beginning. So, you know. But.

John [00:07:49]: Hey, I said, go all the way there. But.

Nicole [00:07:52]: But I was like. I was like. I was like, this is just a guess. I said, but I don't think that that's accurate. I just said this is something. The only thing that, like, I would. I would start to possibly think that. But I told him there's three ways you can handle the situation.

John [00:08:03]: Well, really quick, it's best not to guess, because now you're just putting stuff in his head.

Nicole [00:08:08]: Okay. Yeah.

John [00:08:09]: That might not even be true. And now he's gonna freak out even more. Like, I said, the. I feel like the best way to handle it.

Nicole [00:08:15]: Yeah.

John [00:08:16]: Is approach the situation with his actual concerns that he came to you with.

Nicole [00:08:20]: Yeah.

John [00:08:21]: In a certain way. Like.

Nicole [00:08:22]: Right.

John [00:08:23]: Don't be accusatory. Whatever. Because you don't know why she has these things.

Nicole [00:08:27]: Right.

John [00:08:27]: And it sounds like he doesn't know.

Nicole [00:08:29]: Right.

John [00:08:29]: And then go based on what she says, like, how she reacts because you don't know what she's doing. And maybe she is doing those things, but maybe she's not. And if she cares about you and she's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Like, here's my password. Like, I didn't want to come across that way.

Nicole [00:08:47]: Then you're good then.

John [00:08:47]: Now you don't have any problems, but if you're already like, spiraling, which is what women typically do. So I can come at this like, this is what women typically do. They're like, oh, God, he's hiding his phone, he's cheating on me with like five other women. And sometimes that is true. So I'm not saying that, like, that might not be a possibility, but. But if you give him the worst case scenario, it's going to make him spiral even more than he already is about these things.

Nicole [00:09:12]: Yeah, I mean, he should think about it though, still. Because it's still. But I get what you're saying, so.

John [00:09:17]: I mean, everybody should think about it.

Nicole [00:09:18]: I mean, I told him there is three possible options, right? And I was like, it's up to you. But I said, number one, it depends on how much information you want to know. Right? If you want to know all the information, if you really want to know what's going on, the only way to do that is, is to look at her phone when she's not around. And I said, I don't necessarily advise this, but I said, if you want to know all the information and the reason why that's the only option to know all the information is because any other option, she's going to know you're on to her and she's going to cover up her tracks. Right?

John [00:09:49]: But I feel like you should have a conversation first because she might just give you her phone, okay.

Nicole [00:09:54]: Based on the fact that she has done nothing else for. For him to distrust her. That's what I said. I said I probably wouldn't do number one based on that. Right? Because, you know, if there was some other kind of hint of something that was going on, then maybe you need to do your own sleuthing. And it's like. And I was like, also, look, if you're going to marry someone also being a little bit of a private eye and like doing a background check, like investigating them a little bit, that's an okay thing to do if you're going to commit your life to someone, right? I mean, they've been together for six months. I don't know where he's going with that, but. But I wouldn't be so, like, oh, you shouldn't do that. That's fine. Yeah.

John [00:10:27]: But I think you should have a conversation because I feel like anybody if like you didn't have a conversation about, like, being open, looking at each other's phones, and then you come home and you're like, boyfriend's just speaking through your Phone.

Nicole [00:10:41]: Yeah, it's a little.

John [00:10:42]: You'd be like, what? Like you had nothing to hide. Like, he doesn't trust me in some ways.

Nicole [00:10:50]: Right.

John [00:10:50]: Well, so, like. But if you have the conversation where you're like, we're going to be open in this relationship, like, you can look at my phone anytime. I can look at your phone anytime. If I came back home and he was looking at my phone, it wouldn't feel as like a betrayal of trust, because it is. It's open. And you already know it's open. And it's like, however, if you're covering.

Nicole [00:11:11]: Your tracks, you already know.

John [00:11:13]: But if you think she's at that extent, then there's. There maybe there is other problems.

Nicole [00:11:18]: Well, if, again, he didn't have any. That's why I was saying, like, number one is kind of the option that exists if you suspect something, which he didn't suspect. So I think number one is probably not the option. Number two, I told him, depending on how much information you want to know is you do out of the blue, hey, let's look at each other's phones. You can say, oh, I saw this TikTok where this guy was doing this lower through test and they swap phones. Let's do that and then see what she does and see if she freaks out. Or just ask to borrow her phone for a minute and see what happens.

John [00:11:52]: This seems so messy to me. That's why I would just be like, have the conversation and based on their response be like, like, all right, well, you don't value this relationship, but maybe that makes me too cold of a. Like, cut a person off.

Nicole [00:12:05]: But it's like, I agree with that. But if you ask someone, like, if they don't know it's coming and you say, hey, can I look at your phone? How they respond to that in those few critical seconds will tell you all the information you need to know. I mean, you know what I'm saying? It's like, I told him. It's like, if you do that when you're probably going to, like, if she doesn't immediately give you her phone, you're probably going to need to break up with her at that point, because then you know absolutely that she's hiding something. Something. Right? Because. And I said, the problem with that option with number two over number one is that you won't know for sure what it was that she was hiding, because now she's going to hide it real good. Right? And so you're going to have to just assume that it's something bad. And then number three, the option is to just have the conversation.

John [00:12:42]: Just to say, I guess I just don't feel like the things that he described are worth, like springing something. Like, it's worth having a conversation to me at the level, like, if he was like, she keeps getting these texts from this one person and then she gets very secretive. That's different.

Nicole [00:13:04]: Well, he can't even see the notifications come up. So that's the thing is so. And he can't see her phone because she's got a screen privacy filter. So at that point, it's like. I mean, the thing is, if you have the conversation, like option three, the problem with that, the drawback that I had with that was that you're never gonna know. And if she is hiding something, she's gonna hide it where you won't find it. So that's the problem with.

John [00:13:24]: If you're this worried. Is this the person for you?

Nicole [00:13:29]: No. I mean, anyone would be concerned about those kind of things. It's like, that's the thing about it is that it's, you know, that it's a hard. Well, what I came back to was this was. It's like the episode that we had about the six rules of relationship. That's where you messed up was because you should have from the. See, this is why I tell people, like, if from the beginning you got the locations on, you got the transparency with the phones, with all the stuff we. Where there's none of this possible, then you don't have to worry about it. Then it's not. But now he's in a situation where he's got to. It concerns him, so he has to address it in either one, two or three of the ways that I said. And none of them look really that great. I mean, there's pros and cons. But anyways, I just thought it would be interesting to.

John [00:14:13]: Complicated.

Nicole [00:14:13]: Yeah, it's complicated situation.

John [00:14:14]: What he described is not like red flags. Not like huge red flags.

Nicole [00:14:19]: Right.

John [00:14:20]: It depends on what is actually happening, whether they're red flags or not. Because like I said.

Nicole [00:14:25]: Right.

John [00:14:25]: Some people just have these things.

Nicole [00:14:27]: Yeah. It could be totally innocent.

John [00:14:28]: So that's where I'm like, I don't know, going like private eyes seems a little like drastic. But at the same time, if he. If he feels like that's the best option he has, then I guess he needs to do it. But I just feel like that, like just straight up doing it. And if she catches you, that's going to cause a whole nother thing. She's gonna be like, you don't trust me? And to some degree, she's not wrong. Because, like, if you haven't had a conversation about it, right. About being open and you just find anybody with your phone, you're gonna be like, what are you doing?

Nicole [00:15:01]: Yeah, I agree.

John [00:15:02]: Even if I found my brother with my phone, looking through it, I'd be like, what are you looking for? Yeah, no, I mean, like, anybody. So it's like, that's gonna. Cause he just has to know that if he just goes right straight and looks at it and gets caught looking at it or whatever, that's gonna cause another problem.

Nicole [00:15:22]: Right.

John [00:15:23]: And who knows what might happen if she feels like he doesn't trust her. And I'm not saying, you know, he might not find something. And then that's gonna. Cause, again, like, he just has to know. I guess my way is, like, the less messy way is to just, like, talk. And that's why, I guess it appeals to me because, like, I don't. I don't like having conversations like that, and Unless I have to.

Nicole [00:15:46]: Right, Exactly. Yeah.

John [00:15:48]: Like, if you ask her and she acts like, you know, no. Or like, how could you do this? Then that, to me would be like, okay, well, you don't care about me or our relationship and about. Or your high transparency. And for me, that would just be like, all right, like, done. But for him to. He says nothing else is going on, or he hasn't told us if anything else is going on. Right. But it sounds like he. This is really bothering him. So I feel like there has to be some sort of distrust that he feels to some level besides just the phone, because.

Nicole [00:16:30]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:16:30]: Either she's doing it to this extreme where it's causing him to not trust her, or maybe something else happened and these things that he just brought up are now making it seem like more reason not to trust her. So that's why it's like, I don't think there's an easy answer to this.

Nicole [00:16:49]: But we have to go off of what he said, which is that there was no reason to mistrust her. She hasn't done anything. But like I said, the only reason why I even presented the number one option, which I agree is not the best option, is if you really want to know what's going on, that's the only way to know. Because any other option, they're going to be onto you and know that you suspect something, and they're going to hide their trust.

John [00:17:06]: Yeah. But just know that that could also potentially blow up Your relationship, too.

Nicole [00:17:09]: It could.

John [00:17:10]: If she feels so violated.

Nicole [00:17:13]: For sure.

John [00:17:13]: With the trust.

Nicole [00:17:14]: Yes.

John [00:17:15]: That now you've broken the trust by doing that. That's all I'm saying.

Nicole [00:17:20]: Yeah, No, I agree. That's why I said it's. It's. That's why it's a sticky situation. It's better to have not gone into the situation. Right. And I told him. I was like, look, I can't imagine being in a committed relationship with someone and not knowing where they are all the time.

John [00:17:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:17:31]: And not knowing what they're doing. Right. You know, I mean, like, it's like.

John [00:17:34]: And just to care. Like, I care. When you go on, like, your little coffee dates with your friends, I'm like, oh, I wonder, like, what they're talking about, you know, like. And I hope he's having a good time. It's like, right? It's not about, like, where is he? I need to know. Like, did he leave the coffee shop with his friend? Like, it's not like that. It's just like, oh, like, he's out and he's gonna go to the gym and, like, then I'll be back home, you know, sort of thing. Like, yeah, just caring about what your partner's doing.

Nicole [00:18:01]: Right? Yeah, but knowing enough. I mean, if it's like, such a mystery, you don't even know who their friends are, who they're texting or what they're texting, you know? I mean, that seems weird to be in a committed relationship and not know who they're talking to, what. What they're doing on their phone. Like, you know, I mean, you know, it just seems weird to me. So anyway, let's ready to get into.

John [00:18:21]: The topic, the actual topic, turn into the whole episode.

Nicole [00:18:24]: So the topic I have for today is, why do women like assholes and losers? And don't say they don't, because we know that it's. It's true. Right? So. Yeah.

John [00:18:39]: So why you want me to answer?

Nicole [00:18:41]: Well, I mean, you're a woman, so tell me why. Why do women, like, am I assholes?

John [00:18:47]: Well, so. All right, let's start with the asshole thing. Because I am gonna have a harder time with the losers thing, I think. Well, a little bit, because I feel like it is more typical for women to, like, over losers, but they do, like, all the things. So with the. It's very complicated. So I'll start with, like, a first point, which I think is, like, something that men need to take away but don't do it in the way. So the thing about assholes Is that they have boundaries. Like, they're not going to do what they don't want to do.

Nicole [00:19:23]: Right, Right.

John [00:19:24]: And they're going to speak their mind, even if it comes out horribly like, asshole. Like an asshole.

Nicole [00:19:31]: Right.

John [00:19:32]: And so that, like, part of that is important. It is important to have boundaries. It is important to stand up for what you believe in and, like, have that sort of, like. I don't know how to phrase it like that. That you stand for something. Right.

Nicole [00:19:49]: Okay. Yeah.

John [00:19:50]: That's what it is.

Nicole [00:19:51]: Right.

John [00:19:51]: But they do it in the wrong way. They step on all the people, including the girl that they're with a lot of the time in order to do that. It's very, like, selfish. Very. Like an is very narcissistic sort of thing. Because people classify an as somebody who just does and says what they want and doesn't care about other people.

Nicole [00:20:13]: Right? Yeah.

John [00:20:13]: And it is a delicate balance because if you care too much about what people think, then you become a people pleaser. So you do have to find that in between, but with. It's typically like they don't give a. About people's feelings.

Nicole [00:20:26]: Right.

John [00:20:26]: Sort of thing. And so they'll do whatever they want. So you have to find that in between where it's like, you are kind to people, but you don't take shit.

Nicole [00:20:37]: Right? Yeah. Not a nice guy, but a kind guy.

John [00:20:39]: Right. And you have boundaries. You don't let people disrespect you.

Nicole [00:20:42]: Right.

John [00:20:42]: And so that's the thing is, like.

Nicole [00:20:43]: You don't care what other people think, but you care about them.

John [00:20:47]: Right? Exactly. And the disrespect thing is a huge thing because an doesn't let anybody disrespect them, but they take it to the extreme. Right. But with women like that, it's hard because they know it's wrong. Like, they know, they don't like this thing about this person that he's unkind to other people, but they like that he is, you know, assertive and has these boundaries and like, stands up for what he believes in. Right, Right. Like to the point where he'll almost like, fight people to get to the. Like, prove that point.

Nicole [00:21:25]: Right.

John [00:21:27]: And the real thing is you have to have that in between. Like, you have to find the middle ground. Because you told me earlier, because we talked a little bit about this, that a woman will stay with an, but she won't in the long, long term. Like, it attracts her.

Nicole [00:21:46]: Yeah.

John [00:21:47]: But eventually most women, they find a.

Nicole [00:21:51]: Bigger and then they.

John [00:21:52]: Well, to change, they get tired of the switch.

Nicole [00:21:55]: Out there, they like different flavors.

John [00:21:56]: And they're like, I'm going to. I guess you're right. Then they're like, you know, I'm not going to allow somebody to treat me this way. And then they end up with another asshole guy. Right, right. So, like. And maybe it all goes back to like an asshole seems more manly.

Nicole [00:22:14]: Yeah, I think that's. I think that's what it comes down to is an asshole.

John [00:22:17]: And men don't know how to be like a gentleman man type as much anymore, so they just go straight to. And then they're like, women like that. And it's like. It's probably because it's the most masculine seeming thing.

Nicole [00:22:30]: Yeah.

John [00:22:31]: You know, like this guy who like, is an. And stands up for what he believes in and doesn't take any shit from anybody. It's like they don't. They would rather go to the extreme.

Nicole [00:22:43]: Right.

John [00:22:43]: And get the women. Even though, like, well, women will eventually, like, if. Okay, so if you walk into a bar, an asshole walks into a bar and a loser walks into the bar, you already know who is she gonna pick? The guy who is manly enough that has the qualities of the.

Nicole [00:23:02]: Right.

John [00:23:03]: But she's kind and treats a person right.

Nicole [00:23:07]: She's not gonna pick anybody because I'd be walking out of that bar. Well, yeah, I'm just saying.

John [00:23:14]: Yeah, okay.

Nicole [00:23:16]: But guys don't choose to be right. So a guy that chooses to be an ass asshole is a douchebag. Okay. And nobody likes him.

John [00:23:25]: No, no, no, they don't choose. No, they're just that it's the right way to be. To get women.

Nicole [00:23:30]: No, no, I know it doesn't work.

John [00:23:32]: It's going to clip this part right here and they're going to be like, yes, women do like assholes, John. And I'm doing the voice.

Nicole [00:23:38]: But guys don't. Guys don't choose to be an asshole. They are just assholes. Right. That's what's attractive about them, is that that's just how they are. If you try to pretend to be.

John [00:23:47]: An asshole, I'm saying all men are assholes.

Nicole [00:23:50]: No, I'm saying that it's a primitive version of masculinity that's unfiltered. So it's not refined. There's no gentleman aspect to it. It's just the masculine being a quote alpha male is literally doing what you want whenever you want. That's it. Not giving a fuck. That is the epitome of quote alpha. You know, if you're. If you're thinking in those Terms, but. So it's raw masculinity, but it's not refined. There's no gentleman aspect. There's no consideration of other people. So in. If you have a guy that, like, if. Because. And let me tell you, plenty of guys have thought I could just be an. And then women will be attracted to me. Let me ask guys out there, has that ever worked? Does any. And never, never in the history. I have coached hundreds and hundreds of guys. I have never had one guy be like, yeah, I started being an asshole, and then chicks are digging me. But I've talked to plenty of guys that are assholes. The chicks are all over them. Right. And so what I'm saying is that no guy actually chooses to be an asshole and becomes one in order to get girls. He might try, but he looks like a douchebag. Like, there's no way that that's ever going to work. It has to be that you're just an asshole. Right. And that's just how you are.

John [00:25:05]: Which there's another aspect to why women like assholes. That was just the first one.

Nicole [00:25:09]: Right.

John [00:25:11]: The next one is that something in their early development.

Nicole [00:25:18]: Yeah.

John [00:25:18]: Has caused them to be attracted to this dysfunctional person, which, yes, I am calling an dysfunctional person. Because they are.

Nicole [00:25:28]: Right. Sure.

John [00:25:28]: And they're like, I can save him. I can fix him. Like you said with the romance books before, that a woman wants to turn an intolerant, a loving man, and, like a caring man. You know, like that's. They're like. They read the. You read these romance novels and like, the asshole guy and the girl rolls into town and they're like, hate each other. And then by the end, he's like, he only loves her and only her. And so it's like.

Nicole [00:25:55]: But the asshole guy from the romance novel and from Pride and Prejudice and. And those. Right. That asshole guy. This is the difference in that asshole guy, he's got this bristly exterior, right. To everyone else, you just kind of like, get away from it.

John [00:26:10]: Well, even to her at first.

Nicole [00:26:11]: Yeah, even to her at first. Right. But then he's got this heart of gold inside, right? And she finds a way to his heart of gold that no one else can reach.

John [00:26:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:26:23]: And then he. But that's not the reality.

John [00:26:26]: Women think that.

Nicole [00:26:27]: They think that. They think there's.

John [00:26:28]: They think they can turn any asshole into the Prince Charming. And that's not true.

Nicole [00:26:33]: They think there's a heart of gold because that's what they would want, right? Majority of the time. Nah.

John [00:26:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:40]: There's just deeper, more asshole. There's just whatever you think would be inside of an. That's inside of an asshole. That's what's inside an asshole. Exactly what you think. Not gold up there.

John [00:26:49]: Yeah, but they, they have these like fantasies, they read the books and they're like, I can turn him into Prince Charming. Like it's happened before.

Nicole [00:26:58]: Right.

John [00:26:58]: And. Or they've had dysfunction in their early childhoods, in their early part of their life. Or like they had their first real relationship was dysfunctional and so that's what they're used to. Like there are like it is something to be said that people do get stuck in these cycles of dating the same type of person.

Nicole [00:27:17]: Daddy issues, all the things.

John [00:27:19]: Like, all the issues can stem from somebody choosing to be with somebody that treats them poorly. And it's not like, like, I'm not trying to say like women are choosing to be treated this way.

Nicole [00:27:32]: No, no.

John [00:27:33]: But it's like from someone who's also been stuck in cycles that are non beneficial. Like it is usually a cycle that these women get stuck in.

Nicole [00:27:41]: Right.

John [00:27:42]: Because like you said, they go from one asshole to the next asshole and then they're like, why can't, like why can't I date a nice guy for once? And then they do date the nice guy and then they're like, they're missing the like attraction that they had to this masculine asshole guy.

Nicole [00:27:59]: Exactly.

John [00:28:00]: And that's why I'm saying that you have to be, you have to be best of both.

Nicole [00:28:05]: The unicorn. Yeah, the unicorn.

John [00:28:06]: Like you have to romance and be a man and be assertive and have your boundaries and you know, be that guy.

Nicole [00:28:13]: But let's talk about the cycles for a minute because I think this is worth a side note is like why do people get trapped and trapped in cycles? And I have a pretty good theory on that, which is this is that I believe that when you're, let's say a woman dating an asshole, she dates the asshole, right? Okay. She knows he's not good for her. She's like, I'm never doing this again. This is some bull crap. Like next guy I find is going to treat me right, treat me respect, not, you know, not cheat on me, not do all these things, whatever it is, right? Not, not, you know, not verbally abuse me. Definitely not physically abusing. Right. And then what happens is though that archetype, that, that person, she never got the validation because she never got what she wanted from that. So the only thing that can give her validation is to find that exact thing Again. And this time it turns out good. And we're like that as humans. It's not just with relationships, it's with things. But a lot of times, even in friendships or. You know what I mean? A guy will get into a relationship with a woman that cheats on him, and then he gets another relationship with the girl that cheats on him. He's like, I just have bad luck, or women just, like, cheat on me. No, it's because you're specifically seeking out that archetype in order to.

John [00:29:22]: Doing the same things, expecting the different result with the same people.

Nicole [00:29:26]: But we have this hope. Like, you know, it's. It's like the, you know, the. The really angry basketball coach that just, like, calls you names and just, you know, but. But he's the only person who can actually give you that. When he says, good job, it's meaningful. Whereas other people are like, good job. You're like, I don't care. Like, shut up. Get out of here.

John [00:29:44]: It's also because those people typically tell you worse things all the time. So when they tell you one nice thing, it, like, feels like it means a lot more.

Nicole [00:29:53]: Right.

John [00:29:54]: But it doesn't.

Nicole [00:29:55]: No, but that's what we're seeking, that validation from the person who we can't get it from.

John [00:30:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:30:00]: And that's why we're trying to close that loop instead of letting it go. And that's why we get stuck in the cycles.

John [00:30:05]: Right, yeah, that makes sense. But I feel like those two things, it's like the confusion of, like, this is a man with the assholeness is what attracts women to them. And then the. The cycles of, like you said, like, needing the validation from. Or like, feeling like, well, this time I'm gonna convert this guy into my prince charming, you know, like those sort of things. Like that, I would say, is the main reason that women date assholes.

Nicole [00:30:35]: Yeah, No, I think that makes sense. Yeah. And I think there's a difference, though, between the dating and the liking as well. Because if you have the dysfunction in the cycles, you could date someone, stay in a relationship with something that's bad, like an abusive relationship. But the liking is. Is like almost a hardwired type of thing is like.

John [00:30:54]: But I feel like I'll be like, why do I like this guy? He's like, not even that nice. Well, so like, they. And maybe liking them, it's just the polarity of, like, this seemingly masculine person.

Nicole [00:31:08]: Right.

John [00:31:09]: But then them also knowing that, well, this person doesn't treat people well either, though. And that's what they don't like about them. Like, because a woman has never liked an truly for who he is. Because most women will tell you even if they're dating an. That the guy's an. Or that they like an. They're like, I know he's not the nicest person, but I just don't know why I'm attracted to him. And it's. I think it's something that they can't explain. It's like the polarity, like we've talked about before, is what's attracting them. But they realize that they don't even really like him as a person, really, because he doesn't know how to treat people well.

Nicole [00:31:46]: Exactly. Yeah. It's an idealistic, like, wanting, like, liking them as a person, whereas it's not the actual, like, it's what you want the person to be. You're projecting that onto them.

John [00:31:56]: Well, and women, like, I didn't know that men do this as much too, until you and I got together. But women are people who try to be fixers. They try to fix men and they like. And that's too, I guess, can segue into the losers because they think that they can fix them. Like, they think that they can help them. Them. Or like, they'll be like, oh, well, you know, like, why don't you go get a job like this? And they'll be like, I don't really want to. You know, and she's like, well, you know, come on, like, I can help you do this. And, you know, we can. We can figure it out. So she's like, I feel like when a girl likes a loser, it's almost like she's trying to help him. It's like two sides of the same coin. Right? Like, two extremes. Like, here she's trying to, like, almost tame this man. The.

Nicole [00:32:44]: Right.

John [00:32:44]: And then here she's almost trying to, like, nurture him and. Yeah. Mother him.

Nicole [00:32:49]: Yeah.

John [00:32:50]: Like, be a mom.

Nicole [00:32:51]: Right.

John [00:32:51]: And so it's still. I feel like both of those things, now that we're talking about it, stem from this, like, need to fix people or, like, want to fix people.

Nicole [00:33:02]: Right.

John [00:33:02]: Or, like, help them. You know, I mean, like, it's the motherly.

Nicole [00:33:06]: It's the feminine. Right.

John [00:33:07]: The feminine side of us.

Nicole [00:33:08]: Like, it's attracted to the masculine. Right. And so that's why the. And losers who tend to be. Have a raw sense of masculinity, tend to attract feminine women who want their counterpart. But it doesn't work out well because it's a. You know, it's the same Thing as. As like an extremely feminine woman that's unrefined, doesn't have any, you know, you could say dark feminine or dark masculine. That. That just, you know, is full of emotion, but anger and rage and, you know, just, you know, doesn't. Doesn't control that in any way or doesn't have the positive outlet of emotion. So.

John [00:33:50]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:50]: Yeah, yeah. So, okay. I mean. I mean, it makes sense. I think I would agree with what you. What you said. It comes down to that assholes and losers, what they have in common is that they're selfish and they're.

John [00:34:01]: Well, yeah. And that women. And that's an attractive trait because. Yeah, it's. I don't. I don't know, like. Because I guess I've dated both of those people and just looking back, it's like. It's just been from. Like, you care about this person, right? And you know that them being one way or the other, that it isn't fully what you want, but there's a part of you that's like, I can fix this person. I can make him into what I want. And women get really stuck in that.

Nicole [00:34:35]: Well, but then if you're like, if I can make them into what I want, then there's the other part. So it's the rare part that you're. You. You are able to get in that person, right? So when a woman finds an asshole or a loser that she's attracted to, she's. She's picking, you know, dirt up because there's something shiny. There's something more rare in that. Right? Which I think is that what you're saying is that masculine element. Because in the sea of men today, so many men are just pussies and just. They have no spine or no backbone. They're just completely. You can walk over them, you can push them over. They're completely controlled by their sexual desires. You can have anything from them just by tempting them, right? So so many men fall into that, that when you see an asshole or a loser type of guy that exhibits these traits, that. That's the rare thing. And so you're like, well, if I can just fix that other part that's not so rare. Like, there's plenty of good guys, so why can't I just make him into. Be a good guy, right? It's like, but. But it doesn't work. So.

John [00:35:40]: Yeah, because, I mean, I feel like it is. Women are more these days into making a man into what she wants rather than trying to find one because it's so hard. It's so hard to find the perfect guy that she'd rather take an asshole and try to make him into a gentleman or take a loser and try to make him into this, like, successful man. Then, like, search for the person, which.

Nicole [00:36:11]: Is funny because it should be the opposite. Because a woman making a man into what she wants, very small chance.

John [00:36:18]: I agree with you.

Nicole [00:36:19]: But a man, men are throwing out perfectly good women saying, she's not already what I want.

John [00:36:23]: Right?

Nicole [00:36:24]: Whereas a woman will be influenced by a man. She like, if a woman finds a good man in her life, she will start to change her life and grow and flirt. Not all women, right? I mean, obviously you still have to have a good stock. But what I'm saying is that a man has a much better chance. Men are out here throwing out women. They're like, oh, western women, they're all feminists and all this stuff. And it's like they're all worthless hoes and all this stuff. I mean, you hear the language that these guys use. And I'm saying, wait a minute, hold on. You can't just throw at all western women.

John [00:36:56]: But here's why women feel like they have to build their man.

Nicole [00:36:59]: Why?

John [00:37:00]: Because, and you've seen this today, there are really not a lot of good men. And so you have to take what you can get and try to make him in to the man that you want. Because look at all the men on social media whining and complaining, like, is he gonna wait around for this guy? Like, no, she's, she's gonna like, just take this little whiny baby man who would, I would say is a loser and try to make him into more of a man. Because she's like, looking at this like, okay, well, he's not taking the initiative to be better and to better himself and be the man that he could be. So, you know, maybe I can motivate him to be that guy if I'm with him and like, you know, making sure he's like going to work on time or applying for a better job. Like, right. It's not going to make sense to men. But like, like you just said though, that's all women can do. Like, or they think that they can do.

Nicole [00:38:04]: Yeah, they think they can do because, right.

John [00:38:06]: Like, they're seeing all these guys that, I'm not gonna lie, are not desirable. Like, all the guys who are whining and complaining on social media and things like that. Or even you go on a date and they're whining and complaining to you on the date. About shots fired. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. They're whining and complaining to you about something. It's like, no, I agree with you. She be like, okay, well, he's obviously not trying to better himself because he just wants to whine and complain.

Nicole [00:38:33]: Yeah.

John [00:38:33]: So maybe I can get him to this point by, like, you know, using my femininity or, like, my sexuality to get him to be this person. It doesn't work, right?

Nicole [00:38:46]: No, it doesn't.

John [00:38:46]: Like, it doesn't work, but women have to take their lives into their own hands because they don't trust men anymore to be those men. So they try to take the asshole and rehabilitate him into a nice guy or, like, bring out some sort of kindness. Not a nice guy, a kind guy, but bring out some sort of kindness in him. Or they try to take the loser guy and help him get, like, better opportunities to be better in that way.

Nicole [00:39:11]: So here's the question then, right? So, okay, so then why not take the nice guy? He's already a good guy. He's got good personality, Right. He will love you to pieces. Right. He'll treat you well. Right. Why not take that guy and then shape him into what you want? Why do women never choose that option?

John [00:39:30]: Because I feel like what nice guys are missing is what assholes have, like I said in the beginning, right? And it's like, as a woman, for her to teach you to have balls, you're not gonna respect her, right? Yeah, that's why.

Nicole [00:39:44]: That's true.

John [00:39:45]: Yeah. She cannot teach you how to have balls. That's why she'd rather take the guy who has balls and is using them the wrong way, right? And give him a little kindness. Like, teach him a little kindness. Or this loser guy, which, I mean, like, most of the time they're nice guys, too. But maybe they think. I mean, they probably are acting this way because they don't have a good job. So maybe if I get them a good job and they feel more confident in themselves, they'll naturally get it. You know what I mean? But with a nice guy, usually they're missing the boundaries and the, like, standing up for something and, like, the wanting to protect. And a woman can't teach a man that. Like, she'll protect herself, right? But she will emasculate you by teaching you those things. And she doesn't want that either. She doesn't want. The second she teaches a man how to have balls, yeah. That man's not going to respect her even if she accomplishes It, Right, right. And she's not going to be attracted to him because she taught you how to have balls.

Nicole [00:40:38]: So I guess it's almost kind of breaks it down into there's two components of this. There's what is attractive, right? What causes like a sexual attraction, which.

John [00:40:49]: That'S the like masculinity, the like being the man part that asshole has and.

Nicole [00:40:54]: What'S desirable in a person, in a relationship, right?

John [00:40:58]: And it's like, you know, the kindness and the caring and the loving like, you know, that's like what the romance books like we talked about. It's like this bristly asshole guy, but really inside he cares. But he still has boundaries.

Nicole [00:41:12]: Right, Exactly.

John [00:41:13]: You know, he still is a man.

Nicole [00:41:15]: Right. So. Yeah. So yeah. So I mean, I guess the advice to guys then is to have balls over all things, right?

John [00:41:23]: You don't allow a woman to teach you how have balls. Teach yourself how to have balls.

Nicole [00:41:27]: She'll just, she won't teach you how to have balls. She'll just take her balls, put them in the jar, they're safe keeping for, you know, someday when you need them back.

John [00:41:36]: But don't be an because like women are attracted to, but they know they shouldn't be and they do wake up.

Nicole [00:41:43]: Eventually and they like if you're, if you're not already an trying to be an never works. It won't get you the women, it won't do anything. It just makes you look more desperate and more. Because now you're changing yourself in order to get something. Whereas the whole point of the asshole is that he's not changing himself. That's why he's attractive, is because he's. This is who I am.

John [00:42:07]: But also if you are an asshole.

Nicole [00:42:09]: Right, like, well, you need to reform.

John [00:42:11]: Yourself who you are completely, right?

Nicole [00:42:14]: You're being who you are like unapologetically. But the assholeness part of it is not. That's like, right. Not having tact is not who you are. Right? You can still be direct, assertive, aggressive. You can have a differing of opinion. You can tell people. You can tell people. No, but you can have tact, right?

John [00:42:35]: Nobody should be blurting out everything that just comes to their mind, right? Because everybody, like you said, can be an like, even the kindest people have probably thought thoughts that seem assholey. Yeah, yeah, but it's just like they don't classify those thoughts as them.

Nicole [00:42:52]: Right?

John [00:42:52]: They just classify them as thoughts. So yeah, it's. It's complicated, but I feel like I did a pretty good job at explaining it's it's hard. No, I don't like, because I don't know all the answers, but I feel like, like that is kind of how women would perceive what we're talking about is that, you know, it is a lot goes into women trying to make a man into the man that she wants. And so she does typically maybe pick these extremes because it's harder to take a kind guy or like a nice guy and give him the, like, balls of being a man.

Nicole [00:43:34]: Exactly.

John [00:43:34]: And that's usually what they're missing. Is that like. I don't know how to describe it.

Nicole [00:43:41]: I've been having the balls, right?

John [00:43:42]: Yeah, yeah. The guts to like, go out and like, protect or like, like stand firm in what you believe in and like, you know, those sort of attributes.

Nicole [00:43:53]: It's, it's the not giving a fuck what other people think. That's what it is. It's. It's the being selfish. Like, being selfish is actually an attractive trait for men to have because it means that they like. Look, look, if you're going to choose a guy to be with, right, because women are about survival, right? That's built into women. Is this instinctual. I need to survive. Right. Look, choose a selfish guy. Why? Because he's going to survive. Because he's going to make sure he gets his, like, if there's an end of the world apocalypse.

John [00:44:22]: But he can't be selfish or he'll be the only one surviving.

Nicole [00:44:25]: As long as he's with you. As long as, you know, you know, I'm saying it's like as long as you're his woman, right, and you're together, then you, you stand a better chance being with a selfish guy. Not, not saying that like, that, that, that selfishness. It's more of like, when women see a man that's selfish, they're seeing a guy that they know is going to fight, is going to like, take what's his, is not going to let someone take advantage of him and they want to pair up with, with that guy. So it's not like a selfish trait he does. She doesn't want him to be selfish to her. He wants him to be selfish to the rest of the world. Like, it's like, you know, don't give away my stuff. Like, you know, let's, let's survive here.

John [00:45:05]: Protecting.

Nicole [00:45:06]: Exactly.

John [00:45:06]: Yeah. Well, would there be anything else that you would add, why you think that women are attracted to these type of guys?

Nicole [00:45:12]: I mean, I think that, that, I think that's what it is. It's that idea of the guy. He is what he is. He doesn't try to be something else. He's unapologetic. He says what he wants, right? He's not afraid of the consequences, of he's willing to accept the consequences.

John [00:45:27]: What about the loser guys?

Nicole [00:45:28]: The loser guy sometimes falls in that same category. What's the difference between the asshole and loser? The loser is an asshole as well, right? He just happens to be an asshole that's so dysfunctional that he can't make any money and he's, you know. But he's probably got those traits. I mean, no woman goes to the trailer park to, you know, to visit a guy to be with a guy that isn't at least having those other traits. I mean, he's got to at least be good looking probably too, right? So it's like you got to have some of those things that are going to attract a woman. But I think the loser, he's also in the same boat, right? It's like, you know, because you think about loser, it's like, okay, well, what about like he's maybe a criminal or a drug dealer or something like that, right? So those are attractive. Why? Because that guy's dealing with. They're dangerous, right? They're dangerous, but he's dealing with danger, right? So it's like that's a person that.

John [00:46:21]: You know, involved in that, right? Putting himself out there.

Nicole [00:46:26]: But I think the thing that, what it comes down to, and I think there's this misconception but is that guys figure in their head, they're like, all right, well, it's like nice guy or asshole, right? And they're like, and again, you can't change your types because if you try to change your types, it's not going to work either, right? So it's like, oh, just, you know, women, women, they don't like nice guys. They like assholes they're attracted to, but.

John [00:46:50]: Everybody has a little asshole in them that's they just want to harness that.

Nicole [00:46:54]: I'm just saying that it's so, so there's this, this thing where guys are like, all right, well, you know, she'll be like sexually attracted to the asshole, but she might like marry the nice guy. You know, he protects, he provides, you know, whatever. Like, you know, he, he's a resource provider, right? And so they get this into their head that this is how it is. And, and to some degree that does play out in reality because a lot of women are like, I can't find, you know, I'm just going to settle for the nice guy, because I want a family and kids.

John [00:47:24]: Well, she wants love and romance, but she like, she wants that from the asshole guy too, but she doesn't. But he doesn't care enough.

Nicole [00:47:31]: Right? But she doesn't have the raw sexual attraction for the nice guy and she never does. And so she's unsatisfied in that. Right. Or she, you know, hooks up with the asshole and then, you know, that's also unsatisfying in a different way. But the reality of the situation is, even though that does play out, is that those components do not have to be separate. Right? Because she's getting one thing from this guy, one thing from this guy. Those things can be joined in one guy. It's just that guys have it in their head. It's polarized in their head where they believe it's nice guy or asshole one or the other and they don't understand that it's not. Not the ass.

John [00:48:08]: A gentleman is both.

Nicole [00:48:09]: Right? Right.

John [00:48:10]: He's gentle, but he's a man.

Nicole [00:48:12]: Exactly. That's, that's what it is.

John [00:48:14]: And John can teach you how to be a gentleman because he's a very good one. I told my lash lady the other day I was like, not to like toot my own horn because I married him. But John is an amazing man. Like he is a good man. So.

Nicole [00:48:29]: Well, you give me too much credit.

John [00:48:30]: But no, it's true.

Nicole [00:48:31]: Okay, well, I'll take it then. But no, but, but seriously though, like, I think that is the thing is that, that both men and women are confused on this aspect. That because there are very few guys that are able to join the two together because they have divided it in their head. And that's why it's such a, you know, such such a problem is that even when guys hear this, they're like, oh yeah, see I knew women are attracted to, you know, they, they like the bad.

John [00:48:55]: That's the issue too is like if that's all you're taking from this, then you're going to be in the same boat that you've always been. But if you listen to this and you want to actually get dates and better yourself, then listen to what we have to say, like harness that like asshole ness. Like be a little selfish. Obviously within the boundaries.

Nicole [00:49:16]: Exactly.

John [00:49:16]: Like, like we said, nobody wants like a full blown, like, you know, don't go overboard with it, but just have boundaries, stand in what you believe in even if, if other people don't like it or whatever and you'll get there. But if you're Just you hear this, and all you hear is, see, women do like. And then period. That's where you leave it, right? Then I'm not getting on the pity party boohoo train.

Nicole [00:49:39]: Yeah, no, I mean, that's the thing is. That's. That's. That's what it comes down to is because, you know, again, like I said, guys are gonna hear it and they're gonna think, okay, well, that's, you know. And then. And then they think, well, you know, a woman will. Because women will say, right, not what you're saying. Usually women will say, oh, you know, I like a guy that has a good personality. That's funny, that's charming, that treats me nice.

John [00:50:00]: They do want all those things.

Nicole [00:50:01]: But then they date a guy that's the opposite of those things. And then guys are jaded, rightfully so. And they're like, what. What is this?

John [00:50:08]: That's because that guy doesn't exist.

Nicole [00:50:10]: She's like, all women say bullshit. They're just. Tell me some bullshit. This is not even true. They say they want this nice guy. They say they want a guy that treats him well. They. They date this fucking guy that just, you know, just, you know, killed. Killed his hamster, whatever. I mean, I was like. Like a. A violent, criminal jerk guy who doesn't even have a job. Right? And. And they're like, I don't. I don't understand why women keep on telling me these things. But. But it's like I said, the thing.

John [00:50:36]: Is, they're also not really all those things that they think they are. Because if you're that upset.

Nicole [00:50:41]: Right. They're not. Right.

John [00:50:42]: You're not those things.

Nicole [00:50:43]: Right, Exactly.

John [00:50:44]: Like, you might have a few, but. And the thing is, she wants all those things. Men like, that don't exist.

Nicole [00:50:52]: Right.

John [00:50:53]: Really anymore. Like a gentleman doesn't. A guy who has everything doesn't exist. That's why she's going to pick somebody that has the extreme of maybe what she's really looking for. Like that attraction, right? Like, so many of my friends would go on dates and they'd be like, I don't know, the, like, chemistry's off. Like, I don't have this connection to him. So women really do value that instant, like, attraction or like that magnetic feeling of the femininity in the masculine.

Nicole [00:51:22]: Right? Yeah.

John [00:51:23]: They just don't know what it is. They think it's an asshole, but it's really that. That dynamic. So that pulls them into the asshole and then they are there and they're like, oh, well, I don't like this person because he actually sucks, right? So if a woman takes at least like, the guy who like, instantly drew her in and she can try to make him into that guy who's like, nice and whatever, right? She already knows she. The attraction part.

Nicole [00:51:46]: Exactly.

John [00:51:47]: Connection. You know what women also might call it? She can try to get him the other things, right?

Nicole [00:51:52]: And see, but this is why guys get pissed, right? Because they listen to a woman. She's like, yeah, I want a nice, a kind guy that treats me right, that, you know, would open the door for me, buy me flowers, like all this stuff, right? Again, I'm exaggerating. But basically the non asshole traits. So then the guy's like, oh, I can be that. So he goes on a date with the girl, he gets some flowers for her, he opens the door, he treats her super respectfully and super well. And she's like, I just, you know, he messaged her for the second date and she's like, yeah, I just don't feel like there's much chemistry, right? And then he's like, this is what women said that they want. Like, they actually want me to be an asshole.

John [00:52:33]: And to them, no, they do want that. They want. I know, I know the other things on top of.

Nicole [00:52:38]: But you can understand why men are like, they get pissed off at this because. Because if women are telling you you want this and then you're doing exactly what she wants, then you're like, I don't get it. Like, what is going on? But then she's. But then she, after the date with you, she goes, and the asshole comes over in his motorcycle. And we'll go into graphic details there. But that's what the guy is. That's their experience. And so. But again, I mean, I can tell you, we both know why I guess.

John [00:53:07]: Women need to start telling men to be men then because, like, I guess women just stopped throwing that in there because they thought it was a given that a man would act masculine. And now though, that's the opposite. So maybe women do need to be like, I want a masculine man so that these guys who are upset won't get upset. Because, yeah, I feel like they used to leave that part out because they just assumed that a man would be a man or be an. Or be a little more selfish. So they'd be like, I want this stuff too. Like flowers and the, you know, nice text messages or whatever. Like, that's why they throw those things in there. It's not because that's all that they need. Like, but back then it would be a given that a man was going to act like a man. Right? Now it's not the case.

Nicole [00:53:51]: And women say all men are, and that's where these guys get super offended too is because they're like, what? And, and the answer is, well, no.

John [00:53:59]: We changed it to all men suck.

Nicole [00:54:01]: Okay. Or all men suck. Right? And then guys like, what the heck?

John [00:54:05]: But they suck because it's only crying.

Nicole [00:54:08]: Well, it's only, it's only the ones that they're dating, right. That women are dating. But it's only. The only men that exist to women are the ones that, that, that women see as a man, which means that he has masculine traits. The other ones though, they're ignoring those. So they're saying any man that is actually masculine, that is actually stands up and is a man, he's an asshole or he sucks because that's all that's their experience. And that's the only ones that they actually see. The rest of you guys are boys. And that's unfortunately the truth. And that's why the nice guy is the boys. A woman doesn't even care to insult the nice guy because she doesn't even see him as a man at all. And so she sees him as a boy. And that's the thing.

John [00:54:49]: That's the thing, right? And like, okay, I understand I might be coming off not empathetic.

Nicole [00:54:54]: No, no, I'm not even saying that.

John [00:54:56]: I am just tired of all the like complaining on our stuff. Stuff. But whatever. But here's the real thing, right? Like I hear what you're saying and I do have empathy for the guys who are really trying and they are kind and they care and they just haven't found their person.

Nicole [00:55:11]: But they gotta get their balls right.

John [00:55:13]: The thing though is like women have and I know that it was our doing and I think it is good for us and I think it's good for men because it will make men have to step up again. Yeah, but, but women have had to be on their own and fend for themselves and figure things out. And so like the complaining is just such a turn off because if women are out here getting the shit done by themselves.

Nicole [00:55:41]: Yeah.

John [00:55:41]: And figuring it out. And I know it's different because men look at, they want sex and women want relationships and women can get sex and you know, whatever. But like if we're not out here complaining about all this stuff, we're not going to want a man that's complaining. And like, I just want men to know that a step in the direction that you want to go in is to stop complaining, especially publicly, because, yes, a woman's not going to, like, see your comment and, like, go on a date with you and know that it was you, right? But I guarantee you, if you're complaining on, like, social media, you're going to go on a date and give off that same energy. You can't, like, have it one place and not have it another place. And so what might be even throwing you off is your complaining. And I feel like the second you stop complaining so much and just go out and do what you need to do, yeah, you get more masculine. You get more asshole. You get more. Yeah, exactly. Like when you go from like. Like, stop complaining, right? To just go out and take responsibility.

Nicole [00:56:51]: Exactly, yeah.

John [00:56:52]: You get more masculine.

Nicole [00:56:53]: Well, let me give you the, like, look. The complaining thing is. Is absolutely right. And I'll tell you why, right? Because here's the thing. A real man takes his lumps, okay? And he doesn't. He doesn't about it. He just takes his lumps, right? So, you know, if. If I got into a fight or something, you know, someone gave me a black eye, and someone is like, oh, what happened to your eye? But, like, I. I just. Just, you know, I. I hit myself or what? You know, it's like. Like I heard I bumped into something, you know? I'm not gonna be like, some guy hit me. Can you believe he hit me? Oh, my God. Like, and it hurt so bad, you know? I mean, complain about it, right? Especially if a woman gave me a black eye, right? I'm definitely not gonna be. I'm definitely not gonna be talking about that. I'm definitely not gonna be just telling the world, right? But see, that's a physical black guy. But a lot of guys got these emotional black guys from women, and they're just telling all the world about it. Like, some woman beat me up. How's that? Does that make you look like more of a man? It makes you look like a fucking pussy. It really does. Explicit language on this one. But. But it. But you see, what I'm saying is, it's like, as a man, you suck it up. You get. You get some lumps. You take the lumps. You don't complain about it. You don't whine about it. You move on. You try to avoid, you know, pissing off the big guy at the bar next time, but you don't whine and cry about it. And if a woman gives you some lumps, again, same thing. You move on. You learn your lessons from life like, all right, maybe I should avoid that type of woman, right? And that's it. But you don't about it, right?

John [00:58:20]: Well. And what men don't realize the same thing that they hate where women are like, all men suck or all men are horrible, right? Men do that, like, with their complaining. Like, this one woman left me on a date. So all women are horrible and I'm gonna complain about it. And like, they only care about looks and. And picking and choosing what to, like, harp on for the rest of your life is the exact same as women being like, all men suck. Like, which. And it's the same. They're doing the exact same thing that they're supposedly so upset about. They're so upset that women only want this one thing. They're so upset that this is how life is, but that's what they're doing. Like, they're creating that.

Nicole [00:59:02]: And see, you know the thing about the asshole and the loser, I'll tell you what, what. What it is also like, because it's just made me realize. It's like they have a world view of how things are and no one's going to tell them it's different. That's it. It's. It's how I think it is. This is how it is, right? And that's. That's the difference, right? Because these guys are letting someone else influence their worldview, all this kind of. And that's why they're complaining and whining. But if. If you're a man and you're like, I'm the. I don't care if you think that or not. Like, this is the reality. Like. Like I am the right. Like, you can go and suck eggs if you. If you think some other. Or. Or whatever. Again, you take that too far and you don't care about other people. You become the asshole. But that's the essence of the thing of the masculinity is like, this is how it is, right? And I don't give a fuck if you believe it or you think it or not, because this is a fucking reality. And this is how it is, right? And that's as long as it is.

John [00:59:58]: Like, because it is not shaken.

Nicole [01:00:00]: Not shaken. Not shaken not to have your worldview shaken by someone else.

John [01:00:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:00:06]: Because that's what the has, right? I mean, think about it.

John [01:00:09]: That's dangerous for men too, because if you do get new information, you should be able to change your stance. And men might hear what you just said and realize, nope. They could be like, the sky is green. And then you'll be like, no, actually, here's a scientific article. And they'll be like, john told me that no matter what I thought, that's true. So, like, like, yeah. I'm only saying this because guys do take it to the extreme. I understand you're saying the extreme because you want to get these nice guys to do this.

Nicole [01:00:38]: Well, that's not even contradictory to what I'm saying. I'm saying that, look, if the information comes in and you have to revise your viewpoint, that doesn't matter. It's like you're still worldview. Like, the worldview of who you are, it doesn't change. Like, you know your value. You know who you are. Hey, if I said the sky is green yesterday and now I'm wrong, and I say, okay, well, it's blue, that's just. That was still the right thing to do.

John [01:01:02]: Like, I. I'm still diminish your value.

Nicole [01:01:04]: Right? It didn't exactly. I'm still the man. You know what I'm saying?

John [01:01:06]: It's like standing like value.

Nicole [01:01:08]: Like, if you're like, hey, yesterday you said it's green, and now, now some new information came in. You said it's blue. I'm like, so. Right. It doesn't matter. Right?

John [01:01:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:01:17]: Still stuck in your.

John [01:01:18]: In your value.

Nicole [01:01:19]: Right? In your value.

John [01:01:20]: You have to know what you bring to the table, as people like to say. And that even if somebody asks you, like, well, that's not enough, then you realize they don't deserve to sit at your table.

Nicole [01:01:29]: Right. But if you're, if you're wh. Complaining and thinking about, oh, women, like, you know, the chat or the. They only like the. Or all of that stuff, then you're obviously not that. Right. Like that, that's. I think that's where you're getting it. That's why it's so unattractive, because you're just filtering it out. You're just already saying, look, I don't have any of these qualities. Right?

John [01:01:48]: No, actually, as a woman, if you see a man complaining like that, you're like, he already has problems. And then we're going to get in a relationship and then there's going to be relationship problems. Like, and he can't even handle his, like, view of the world.

Nicole [01:02:00]: Right.

John [01:02:01]: How can he handle life? How can he handle our life? How can he handle my life in his hands?

Nicole [01:02:05]: Exactly.

John [01:02:05]: So that's what I need men to understand.

Nicole [01:02:07]: Well, the, the biggest. And I guess we should wrap it up, but the, the biggest, like, trigger for a woman. Right. That she should look for. And I think I said this before on the podcast too, but I think it's worth repeating. Is that a man who has anger issues. Biggest run, red flag. Because man. Especially if you want to have children, because children will piss you off. Like you think a woman will piss you off. See what a 2 year old would do. And if a guy can't control his anger. Right. That. That should be the biggest turn. And it is a turn off. That's why guys complain when they're verbally showing your anger. They're like, because he's not in control of his emotions. Because a powerful man, which is what a woman wants, that cannot control his anger is a dangerous man. Not in the way that women want a dangerous man. Women want a dangerous man. They want a dangerous man that on the external. That dangerous to other people. Like, don't mess with us. They don't want a dangerous man. Dangerous to her.

John [01:03:05]: Right.

Nicole [01:03:06]: And her children. Definitely not.

John [01:03:08]: So that's true.

Nicole [01:03:09]: Yeah. All right. I guess that's. That's.

John [01:03:12]: I totally forgot that it was my turn for the thing of the week. So I'm gonna like, figure out something here. Well, so we had a talk. Talk the other night and you know, we were just talking about how some of our personal dynamics had like changed since we got together. And I think those things without going like too much into detail because I just don't feel like the full detail of it is necessary. But it like this kind of affected our confidence in ourselves that we had before. And so we were both kind of coming like trying to give each other something when our like our tanks levels were zero. Yeah. And it's like it wasn't as big of a deal as I feel like I'm making it into be like, no, it's a situation but. Or like how I'm explaining it.

Nicole [01:04:11]: Right.

John [01:04:11]: But we just realized that in this aspect we had had nothing left to give each other. And we were both really trying to give each other what the other needed. And we just. We physically could not in the way that each other wanted because of our tanks being zero. And so we've had to almost do like a kind of reset or like come up on like a reset in order to fill our tanks back up.

Nicole [01:04:38]: Yeah.

John [01:04:39]: And I thought. And also too, we came at it from a loving place.

Nicole [01:04:44]: Yeah.

John [01:04:44]: That's our conversation in regards. Regards to this was very connected in love. Which, you know, we've talked about how.

Nicole [01:04:53]: All right, future John, good job. Like now you can watch this episode and be like, all right, yeah, well.

John [01:04:58]: You know, we've talked about how we don't always follow our own advice sometimes.

Nicole [01:05:02]: Yeah, exactly.

John [01:05:03]: Like, not on purpose.

Nicole [01:05:04]: But then we watch this segment of the podcast, we're like, oh, yeah, yeah, we did good.

John [01:05:09]: We did good this time. So, yeah, I feel like it's been a lot, lot more beneficial.

Nicole [01:05:14]: Yeah.

John [01:05:15]: To come from a place of love and staying connected. And we already did that because we never, like, yelled at each other.

Nicole [01:05:22]: Yeah, no, it wasn't ever.

John [01:05:24]: Yeah, still had an issue with that. But, you know, when we were talking about the low tank levels, it was all a very, like, loving conversation.

Nicole [01:05:35]: And I think it's worth mentioning the tank levels even, you know, even though some of the details are, you know, whatever, but. But because it's helpful to people. Right? So it's like, I think what we came up with, which was actually pretty good, is that a man's tank of his, I would say feeling like a man, and we'll say that like, it's the confidence, but it's feeling like a man, right. In a relationship is from the. His feeling of the sexual desire that a woman gives him in the relationship fills up that tank. Right. Whereas a woman's tank is the acceptance, which is love. Right. The feeling of love, like, of accepted, no matter who she is or whatever she does. You know, like the full 100% acceptance that there's not a time that the man's withholding the love or turning the love. She can't lose that love. Right.

John [01:06:21]: Well, and I don't want people to think that we didn't have those things.

Nicole [01:06:24]: No, no. Because we did have both of those things.

John [01:06:25]: Yeah, yeah. It just like, because they were opposing forces, it kept our tanks from being full. So, like, those things were happening.

Nicole [01:06:37]: Right.

John [01:06:37]: But because of the, like, I don't know how here.

Nicole [01:06:43]: I mean, you can just be like, look, if I say, hey, you're like. If I say it in a rough way, like, not. Not the most tactful way. Like, you're. I'd like to. You show me more sexual desire, right? And then. And then you're like, oh, well, you're not accepting me. You know what I'm saying? Like, so now that feels like you're not accepting me because, you know, and then. And it's like you become to a gridlock, a standstill. Right? Because now it's like this person, like, the woman's trying to get a feeling of full 100 acceptance. The man's trying to get this other thing, and these things are at a.

John [01:07:15]: And you Don't. Unless you confidence when you don't feel accepted.

Nicole [01:07:18]: Right.

John [01:07:18]: And then you can't give full sexual desire when you're not confident.

Nicole [01:07:23]: You don't feel like a woman and.

John [01:07:24]: Then you don't feel confident.

Nicole [01:07:26]: Right.

John [01:07:27]: You disconnected from me because you feel like I'm not giving you something. So that's like where it was at. But. But I just didn't want people to think that.

Nicole [01:07:36]: No, no. Like we don't.

John [01:07:37]: Yeah, we're having these. Like, nothing's happening.

Nicole [01:07:40]: No, no.

John [01:07:40]: Yeah, yeah, that's not the case. But because of these opposing forces, we weren't able to fill each other's tanks even. And so we had to come to the decision to do like a full reset to like alleviate, you know, any pressure from like the non acceptance and, you know, alleviate the, you know, the.

Nicole [01:08:01]: This.

John [01:08:02]: Like. I guess from like your side. The. I don't know, like, from your side. I guess I have a hard time to like explaining like.

Nicole [01:08:11]: Yeah. How the, like the dynamic. Like the. Yeah. So I. I don't know. I mean, just the. Like you just have to have both people stop trying to. To get the thing for some time in order to like just naturally get the things.

John [01:08:27]: Both things.

Nicole [01:08:28]: Right.

John [01:08:28]: Because it's like an unnatural.

Nicole [01:08:31]: Right. Right.

John [01:08:32]: Experience. Because it was like the tanks were so low that you were desperately needing this and then I was desperately needing this.

Nicole [01:08:42]: Right.

John [01:08:42]: And when you desperately need something, it's not natural anymore.

Nicole [01:08:46]: Exactly. Right.

John [01:08:46]: So that's what it was.

Nicole [01:08:48]: Right, Right. So. Yeah. So I think we could probably even do a whole episode on just that, the idea of the tanks and you know, because I think that is a struggle for a lot of people and I think a lot of people just give up on that. Right. And again, like you said, it's not to say that, you know, but I.

John [01:09:04]: Think that's the thing. Right. Like, it's not like we weren't doing the things like.

Nicole [01:09:08]: Exactly.

John [01:09:09]: If anybody heard how actually like our sexual life is, they'd be like, I hate you guys.

Nicole [01:09:16]: Yeah, exactly.

John [01:09:17]: Stop complaining. Are you kidding me?

Nicole [01:09:19]: Right?

John [01:09:19]: So like that's the thing too is like, like it doesn't have to be the extreme that most couples face where they're not having sex.

Nicole [01:09:26]: Right.

John [01:09:26]: Like, and the whole thing was too. I wanted you to feel desired in the way that made you feel desired because I would do stuff.

Nicole [01:09:33]: Right.

John [01:09:34]: That I thought made you feel desired, but it didn't. And so that's, I guess a better explanation of what we're talking about is that. And. And then two from not having as much confidence because I didn't feel, like, accepted. I didn't feel like I could show you all the things because then I was afraid that it would be wrong because I'd been wrong about how to make you feel disagreeable.

Nicole [01:09:56]: Because now if you're afraid of being wrong all the time, like, if you could make a mistake, then that comes from not feeling fully accepted. And that's where the whole gridlock comes from. Because now you can't act in the way that's natural, and I can't act in a way that's natural. And so we're both, you know. But it seems. I mean, I think for someone who actually was, like, able to see through our walls, they'd be like, are you.

John [01:10:19]: Guys actually really pissed off?

Nicole [01:10:21]: Actually, they'd be like, you guys are.

John [01:10:24]: Complaining just like you're complaining about those boys.

Nicole [01:10:27]: Yeah, exactly. But. But it's something that we know, and we. We feel. Even if we, you know, because. You know.

John [01:10:33]: But it's not complaining because we took the action to make it better. And so that's the difference.

Nicole [01:10:38]: Yeah. So that's it. There we go. Won't we find our way.