Nicole [00:00:00]: Guys complain to me all the time. Why does a woman get to vent all of her problems onto me, but I can't? Women are more emotional and they need to vent. The man is supposed to be the sport. He's supposed to be the rock. Shit is going wrong on the ship, right? And the captain's like, oh, my God, I don't know, what are we going to do? And he's like, ah. How much confidence are you going to have in the captain?

John [00:00:17]: What about the captain suppressing his emotions and then causing problems beyond the perfect.

Nicole [00:00:23]: We discovered through our flaws. We complete each other. Better than perfect. We stand through every fault. We find our way. Welcome to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where we share with you every week how two imperfect people helping each other become better equals one better than perfect relationship. All right, so it's your turn this week for the topic.

John [00:00:58]: Yes, it is. I feel like I have a pretty good one. That's not really something that we can, like, fully answer. I already know how you feel about it, but it is a complicated situation, so I am excited. I did give you the topic so that you could ruminate on it a little bit, but I already know how you feel. So it'll be interesting to kind of, like, dive deeper into that and explain our point of views while also, like, thinking about how other people view it.

Nicole [00:01:31]: Yeah. Okay.

John [00:01:33]: All right, So I guess that means I should tell you all what it is now.

Nicole [00:01:38]: Yes.

John [00:01:38]: And we are going to talk about 5050 in relationships.

Nicole [00:01:44]: Okay, define what is 50 50?

John [00:01:47]: Most people think of the 5050 financially, right? Like, they think of, like, right, we're gonna both pay the bills and do this and, like, you know, 50, 50. But you kind of hinted at this, too, earlier when we, like, talked about it briefly, that, you know, sometimes it's also 50, 50 emotionally or in other ways. And so I thought it would be a perfect topic to kind of, like, dive in and just, like, go into it. Even though I do know that it. I feel like this is a very situational sort of thing for each couple. I know you don't necessarily feel that way, so I guess I'll explain, like, my side about it, and then you can kind of go into how you feel. So back when I was, like, dating, I kind of had a weirder perspective on dating. Like, I would go on a first date, and I would never, like, assume the guy's gonna pay for it, but I had plenty of friends that would be, like, if a guy doesn't pay on the first date, I'm not interested in him anymore, right? And, like, yeah, it's a nice gesture for a guy to pay on the first date, but at the same time, I viewed it as, like, look, I don't know if I'm gonna like you. You don't know if you're gonna like me, right? So, like, I can understand coming at it from like, a 50 50, so sort of thing that way. Like, we each pay for our own meal or things like that because, like, we don't know where this is going. So I'm like, I'm cool with that. But, like, as it progressed, again, I wouldn't, like, expect it, per se, but, like, it would mean more, like, as time went on that, like, this person is doing this thing for me because they care about me type of thing, or, you know, that sort of situation. I was in a very 5050 relationship, and it felt so transactional to me. Like, more so than even, like, my friends. And that felt weird to me. Like, it felt weird that, like, when we went out, it was like, oh, well, you got this. So, like, you need to pay for that. Cause, like, I would go out with my friends, and we would never even act that way, right? So it just. It kind of tarnished the relationship. I mean, the relationship had its own problems. But what I'm saying is that, like, made it so transactional that it was, like, almost uncomfortable feeling. And, you know, I was making less than this guy, right? You know, which is pretty typical. And I was still paying the same amount that he was, which, in my mind, I don't think, like, it is bad to have some sort of dynamic where a woman pays for stuff and a guy pays for stuff. But I think it should be based on salary type of thing there.

Nicole [00:04:51]: I would disagree with you. Because if you truly want a 50 50, it has to be equal. So it does, you know, if you make.

John [00:04:57]: But I'm not saying I want a 50 50, right? It would balance the tables out more. Because, like, think of it from my perspective in that instance. Like, I'm like, we're going out to dinner, and, like, we go to a nice dinner and we get a nice bottle of wine, right now I'm gonna be eating ramen for the rest of the week, right? You know, and he's got, you know, all the things.

Nicole [00:05:20]: Which is the problem with 50 50, because if it's gonna be equal, then it's gonna be equal pay regardless of how much money you make. Because that's what 5050 truly is. Otherwise, you. It's not 50 50, right? So that's why it's.

John [00:05:32]: I understand that.

Nicole [00:05:32]: That's why I'm against 50. 50.

John [00:05:34]: This is my perspective, though. So, like, that is what I think would have balanced it out more. Because then, like, we could have been on the same sort of playing field, and I didn't even necessarily, like, mind that I was contributing. Like, I never expected to. Not, like, you're the first person that I've been with that I don't have to do that. So, like, I never was expecting that. And I think some people might see our relationship and be like, oh, well, she's probably just always let the guy pay for everything. Like, I even told you, I think when we were first dating that, like, if I didn't want to see a guy again, I would pay for the whole date. Because I'm like, you know, let me treat you.

Nicole [00:06:15]: Yeah.

John [00:06:17]: Then we're done. You know, like, make it a good little parting gift. Like, you know, you got a free dinner, and so I let you down easy. So, like, I was never the type of person that would be, like, a guy needs to do this, but I had a lot of friends that were old school and, like, would tell me that they would be upset if a guy didn't pay for a date.

Nicole [00:06:35]: Sure.

John [00:06:35]: But at the same time, I'm pretty sure a lot of those people are doing some sort of 50, 50, or, like, they're two contributing households. And, like, my parents are 50, 50 type of people. So I grew up with that. It's not necessarily, like, I didn't see those things. You know, I didn't grow up with, like, our dynamic, but.

Nicole [00:06:55]: Right. Right.

John [00:06:56]: There is something that I feel like, like, a man doesn't have to pay for everything in your life for you to have some sort of, like, security, like, you know, around that or, like. But it's the effort that they put in. Right. Because, like, I had also dated some guys that didn't have a ton of money and couldn't, you know, pay all my bills. But they did other, like, things that made me feel like they were still supporting me. Like, they would, you know, get me some flowers every once in a while. Or, like, you know, they wouldn't make me be like, all right, here's your Excel spreadsheet of, like, you owe me $7.50 for this cocktail that you got at dinner. Like, and that's also the extreme. I do realize that. And it does, like, work for people. People do it.

Nicole [00:07:45]: No, it doesn't work for people.

John [00:07:47]: People do it.

Nicole [00:07:48]: People do it. It doesn't work for People.

John [00:07:49]: And so, and part of the reason.

Nicole [00:07:51]: Why it doesn't work for people is exactly what you said is because if you do a 5050 and you don't pay attention to the incomes, then that becomes a problem if someone makes more than the other person or if that changes over time, if you do pay attention to the incomes. And now it's like, now, now you have an unequal, like, well, wait a minute, why are you contributing less? Like, you're bringing less to the table. Because we're looking at this transactionally. So you should go to college and get a better job or why don't you upgrade your skills? You're lazy. Like, you see what I'm saying now I'm paying more money, but I feel.

John [00:08:23]: Like it doesn't work like that. Do you even care about the person, really? Because it's like you would want to like, put in a little extra because you have a little extra in order for you guys to be on the same playing field. As far as, like, because look at it this way, like what you just said, like, if you're really looking at it that way, I would say that you don't care about that person. Like, so back to the story of like, I'm paying exactly the same and now I can only ramen for the rest of the week. Also, at the same time, it's like, now I can't like, afford to get you a nice Christmas present because I don't have like the money left over because of all these things you're going to get. So get another job, but besides financial too.

Nicole [00:09:01]: Like, okay, yeah, but okay, let me give my take on that part then. Okay, since. Okay, so I believe that I get it. I mean, I get the whole idea behind the 50 50. And there is to give a caveat here, there are women that take advantage of men paying for things or expect men to pay for things, right? And don't expect that they're contributing in any way, that they're just taking advantage of the situation and especially of nice guys. However, as a man, I do firmly believe that a man should pay for everything. And there's several reasons for this. One of them is just to avoid the 5050 completely. Because there's no way to do a 5050 that works because either you're going to have the problem where you, you treat everything straight down the middle and it's transactional. And then if one person makes more money than the other, that person always feels like they're, they're in the, they're, they're Getting the. The short end of the stick. Or you have to, like, subsidize the other person, in which case the other person feels like, why am I subsidizing you? So it just doesn't. It turns something that's a relationship into transactional. When you start to count the dollars in any way that you do that, and it's just. It's not good.

John [00:10:16]: Well, I have a quick question.

Nicole [00:10:17]: Okay.

John [00:10:18]: So since you do support us, is there ever a time where you feel like I'm not providing something to you? And how do you not?

Nicole [00:10:32]: Because I'm the man, right? And there's several reasons for this, right? So first of all, just as a man, right, A man and a woman are different. The masculine and feminine are different. And that's really what the point of this podcast is, is to help people by helping them realize that in order to have a better than perfect relationship, you have to recognize the masculine and the feminine and the different roles. Because we're not the same. We're not equal. We're different. Right? And those differences actually make something that is better than perfect. That's the whole idea. One plus one equals three. It's synergy, right? And so the thing about it, though, is being the man, it means assuming we talked about last episode about being the captain of the ship, okay? So if I'm the captain of the ship and I'm steering the ship, all right, and I'm responsible for the ship, and I'm responsible for everything, then I have to be accountable, which means that I have to be the one that is financing the operation. I have to be the one that I can't have the authority without the responsibility. And the responsibility means taking care of everybody on the ship. It means making sure that financially everything is taken care of. It means doing all of those things. And so you can't really have that authority, because as a man, I do expect in a relationship to be the authority. I do expect that as a man to be able to be the leader. And if I'm not paying for everything, if I'm not taking care of everything from a financial perspective, then how can I really assume that role?

John [00:12:04]: So what if you couldn't provide?

Nicole [00:12:06]: Then I'm not ready to be in a relationship with a woman. In fact, that's how it used to be in the old days. You have to make enough money to be able to support a woman. Or you really shouldn't be in a relationship with a woman if you cannot support her. I believe that because, again, the same guys that will Argue against what I'm saying right now because I know a lot of guys get upset about my viewpoint on this. They complain about single mothers and they complain about single mother households and women raising weak men. And the thing about that is that or women not being there to raise their kids. Well, in order for a woman to be there to raise her kids, a man has to be able to provide enough for the entire family so she doesn't have to work. And there's nothing wrong with women working. And women can do a great job. But the thing is that it's more beneficial for a family if there's one sole provider and you have one caregiver who's able to take care of the children and be the nurturer. Right? And that's why that family dynamic is one that almost all people would argue is a stronger family dynamic. Now some people will say, oh, that's not possible in modern society today. Everything is too expensive. In which case it's like, well, then maybe you're not ready to start a family. Maybe you're not ready to get married.

John [00:13:22]: I guess they're never ready then, hey.

Nicole [00:13:25]: As a man, life is hard. As a man, you're always in competition with other men. There's never going to be a time as a man where you're just going to be just, you know, a woman's life is different than a man's life.

John [00:13:37]: And women are always in competition with other women as well too, in society.

Nicole [00:13:42]: In a different way. Right. A man has to be able to survive on his own. And he's not really a man if he can't take care of himself and take care of other people. A woman doesn't have that same issue. A woman, she will be taken care of, right? Whether her father or family or, you know, or herself. Or herself. Or herself. But a woman doesn't have to worry as much about that as a man, does it? You know, a man does have to compete out, compete other men. And he, he has to be able to provide. And, and so it, it is to me, it is part of being a man is, is to be able to provide. And if you go back to even like the tribal days and you know, if you go back in time, like our evolutionary heritage, right. A man in a tribe that could not sustain himself, let's say a hunter that could not kill enough to provide for his own, that he would be a detriment to the tribe, right? He would be worthless because he has to be fed by other people. Other people have to take care of him, the man's supposed to be, he not only has to be able to hunt enough to provide for his own needs, but he needs to be able to provide extra for the women and the children who are not hunting. Right? And that's, you know, I know that's. It sounds weird to put it that way, but things haven't really changed from that.

John [00:15:01]: Well, so I have a question for you that might be hard for you to answer, but. So if you think that a man providing everything is the right way, what advice would you give to women dealing with dating in a society where it is mostly men who want to do 50, 50.

Nicole [00:15:20]: And I do believe that, yeah, two things. One, be humble, okay? Because the problem with demanding that a man pay for you without humility is that then it comes across as taking advantage. But if you're humble, you shouldn't have the expectation that he will pay for you. However, you should have the standard that he will. So it's a way of evaluating. You're letting the guy, you're giving him rope, let him hang himself. If a guy wants to, wants you, and he's going to be a 50, 50 guy, you're finding out a lot of information about him, right? A good guy, the kind of guy that's masculine that you want to be in a relationship with, he's going to insist on paying for you, and he's going to do it in a discreet way. I always tell guys, look, all you have to do is this because a lot of women might resist against you paying for. When the bill comes, you're having your conversation. The waiter drops the bill on the table, you just casually pull out your wallet, whatever, take your credit card while you're still having the conversation, just slip it in there and just push it to the side. That's it. Okay? That's the slick way of doing that. You're not making a big deal of it. You're not like, oh, look, I'm paying for this. So you know what that means. Tonight, you're not trying to bargain or make any transaction. It's just because you're the gentleman, right? In fact, not only that, but most of the time the guy's inviting the woman out for a date, right? If I were to invite a friend out to go out to dinner, I would automatically be paying for it because I'm inviting someone out, right? That's just basic courtesy. That's just being a gentleman, right? So I would say to a woman, though, that don't have the expectation, don't get all upset, don't even bring up the subject of it. Be willing to pay and then see what the man does because it's a great test. And you can see what he's made of by that. How did his mom raise him? What kind of values does he have if he's going to be like, okay, well, you know, you, you had this drink and I had this drink. And so, you know, here we go. Let's split the check. It's, it's, it's. It's not going to be. That's not the guy.

John [00:17:27]: Yeah, I mean, I agree, but at the same time, I feel like as a woman who was dating before you came along, like, it, it's hard to, like, wait for the right guy, because it is. And like, like I said, I wasn't necessarily looking for somebody to pay for everything for me. Like, I, like I mentioned, was happy with some dynamic that didn't feel like keeping score. Like, because keeping score in general is just not good. Like.

Nicole [00:17:57]: Right.

John [00:17:58]: It's with anything. And so I feel like it's still. It's a little hard for women to find, you know, someone who wants to provide for you. Like I said, you can still find somebody that, like, maybe can't pay for everything that you want and all your bills and all those things, but still can provide for you where you feel more appreciated and provided for than, like, someone who's so heavily 50, 50, and the person who was so heavily 50, 50 also. Because this will kind of transition us into the next part of it.

Nicole [00:18:34]: Yeah.

John [00:18:35]: Like, we would make dinner at, like, either person's house and, like, say it was at his house. He'd be like, so what are you making next time? And I'm like, we can't even enjoy this experience without you being like, okay, so what are you gonna do next?

Nicole [00:18:49]: Right.

John [00:18:50]: And so, like, 50, 50 can also be like an emotional or, like, you know, other sort of relationship type of thing where there's still, like, tabs being kept and there's still, like, this not fully coming together. It's almost like a roommate situation or, like I said, more of, like, friends or, like, companions when it's like, everything's still pretty separated, including, like, the connection.

Nicole [00:19:20]: Right.

John [00:19:20]: And I think that is what is the most detrimental of the 50 50, honestly, is that it can turn into such a, like, transactional thing in all the ways, not just financially, but in, like, emotions and, like, you know, what you're giving. Like, I'm not going to give this because he didn't take out the trash, you know, like, so I'm going to act like this, like that sort of like, dynamic. I feel like you do see more with like the 50, 50 split, right?

Nicole [00:19:51]: Yeah, I agree 100%. In fact, we were just having this conversation this morning about that in terms of emotion. In fact, guys complain to me all the time. They're like, it's not fair. Why does a woman get to vent all of her problems onto me, but I can't onto her? Which it seems like, okay, well, it seems logical. Like, okay, well, that makes sense. It should be equal in that way. But it's not. And it shouldn't be because you're the man. As a man, you have a different set of responsibility than a woman does, right? A woman needs to vent. Women are more emotional and they need to vent. And a man needs to be able to listen to that and to not get defensive. Not get defensive or take it personally, right? And be empathetic towards that and validate her emotions, validate her feelings and let her get it out of her system. She needs that expression. She needs the shoulder to cry on. A man that does that is viewed as complaining, rightly so, or as weak because he's trying to get the support. Like, the man is supposed to be the sport, he's supposed to be the rock. He's supposed to be the logical, dependable, stable person who's analytical and it creates. The stability is not stable, unfortunately. Which again, it's not bad. It's not that bad. Women are bad because they have emotions. It's just that it's a different role, right? And so if the man is all emotional, it's not going to create a very safe dynamic. What can you depend on? Right? A good example that I always use is. Let's say that again, we're using the captain of the ship analogy. If the captain of the ship, if. If you know shit is going wrong on the ship, right? And the crew kind of freaks out a little bit and they're like, oh my God, there's a storm. What are we going to do? Right? And the captain's like, oh my God, I don't know, what are we going to do? And he's like, ah, how much confidence are you going to have in the captain? Right? You don't. The captain inside might be like, oh, shit, this is. This is some scary stuff going on here. But he's going to present as, I got this handled. I can take care of this. Don't worry. He's calming down the crew and saying, don't freak out if the Captain starts freaking out with everyone else freaking out. Who's going to really steer the ship and who are you going to trust? Right. So that's why it can't even be 50, 50 like that. It just doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't work that way.

John [00:22:29]: But what about the captain suppressing his emotions and then causing problems? So, like, how do you balance that out? I mean, I know how we do it. Like, you do come talk to me when you get to a point where you feel like you need some emotional support or guidance because women are more emotional. And so I understand that, but I think it's important to, like, not portray it as, like, even if you're freaking out, just shove it down. Because a lot of men have problems with shoving things down, and then it kind of blows up, which is understandable because, you know, that happens to women, too. It just happens quicker because we have a lot of emotions. Or, you know, like, it happens more often because we have a lot of emotions. But I think it's important to talk about, like, that dynamic of it.

Nicole [00:23:17]: Yeah.

John [00:23:18]: Because men can suppress that stuff and cause more problems in their lives.

Nicole [00:23:22]: Well, number one, men need to be stoic. Right. Which doesn't mean not having emotions. It means not allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. That's what it means. It means to not allow the external to influence the internal. Right. The ultimate goal of. Of Stoic philosophy for being stoic is tranquility, which means inner peace, which means that the external does not disturb your internal. It's very hard to do. But you should strive as a man to practice to become that. It's good for women to practice that as well. But it's way more necessary for a man to be that because he has to be that captain of the ship that's not going to freak out when there's a storm. The second thing is that there's three ways to handle emotions. One of them is to suppress them. One is to express them, and the third one is to process them. And if you just, as a man, express all your emotions all the time, that's not good. Especially bad emotions. Anger, you know, sadness, uncertainty, envy. Just expressing those things out freely is not a good plan. It's going to cause a lot of chaos. All right, so then if you don't express it, what do you do? A lot of people think the only alternative is to repress it. Repressing it is like you're trying to block the expressing. It is like the water is coming towards you. The river is flowing towards you and you're just like deflecting it all over everyone else. Repressing it is. You're just absorbing all the water. It's just coming into you and you're just absorbing it. Right. And it's just like you're eventually going to blow up because you're going to fill up with water. Right. That's what repressing is. It's not actually feeling the emotions in the moment, it's just ignoring them. What you're feeling, it's not being aware. Processing them is letting the river flow through you. So you're still feeling them, you're just not expressing them outward. You're not pushing them down. You're letting the river flow through you.

John [00:25:16]: The process and letting go.

Nicole [00:25:17]: Right, exactly. And that's what it is.

John [00:25:20]: Okay. So I think, I mean, I struggle with this and I know a lot of modern women, I'm sure, do as well because it's kind of confusing. So what you said, you know, you don't want men to, like, be spilling everything onto each other.

Nicole [00:25:37]: Right.

John [00:25:38]: So it's hard for women to feel like they can open up all the time because they feel like they're spilling out onto everybody and that that'll push men away. And it does to some men. Like, some men don't want to deal with it. And some women do learn that they need to figure things out on their own and things like that. So, like, can you explain that part? Because, you know, like I said, I struggle with this for certain reasons and I'm trying to work on that. But I think a lot of women need to hear why it's okay for them to express their emotions and why it's not okay for men to do it in a way that women would do it.

Nicole [00:26:19]: Yeah, I think. I think it's two things, right? So one of them is that it's how the emotions are expressed. Right. A lot of women get that wrong. There's light female feminine energy and there's dark feminine energy. Right. And expressing emotions as a woman, like the feminine of expressing emotions or living in the moment. And there's nothing wrong with that. However, when you're screaming at someone, yelling at someone, expressing, dumping the emotions onto someone as opposed to expressing them. If you're truly, I want to express my emotions, this is what I'm feeling. I'm really sad right now. I'm feeling anger. This thing is irritating me. If it's not directed at me, that's fine. It's not disrespectful. Once you Cross the line of being disrespectful, then that becomes a not healthy way to express the emotions. So I think a lot of women think, oh, well, I can just say whatever I want, or I'm just angry. So I said that because I was angry. And so I can just curse or whatever. I was just mad. Like, that's. You're saying I can't be mad. It's like. Yeah, I'm not saying you can't be mad. What I'm saying is you can't be, like, calling me names because you're mad or yelling in my face or doing inappropriate things or throwing.

John [00:27:38]: I agree with that. I was more so saying, like, the emotional weight of it and putting it on a man and how like that. Because that to women feels overwhelming. And I know we're different, but. But like I said, like, some people feel like it pushes their partner away. Like, pushes a man away, which is really, like, I'm assuming a man not being able to handle the woman's emotions in that way. And maybe the woman is handling them in the wrong way. I'm not saying that that's not the case, but I feel like it has been stressed more like, these days that women, you know, figure their own stuff out and don't dump it on guys because guys complain about it.

Nicole [00:28:21]: It.

John [00:28:21]: And same with, like, you know, the 50, 50 going back to, like, the whole thing, like, that's been so stressed by guys that it is perpetuating women to live this way.

Nicole [00:28:32]: Right.

John [00:28:33]: Like, again, not that I think that all women are like, I want a man to just pay for everything so I don't have to do anything. There are some women out there, like, yeah. Who abuse those sort of things, and.

Nicole [00:28:43]: Those are easy to identify.

John [00:28:44]: But I think women have, like, given up on having, like, a more traditional, in this sense, relationship where the guy provides, because it's just very rare. Right. And it is hard in today's economy, you know, with, like, inflation and everything costs so much money, people can't even afford houses.

Nicole [00:29:04]: Right.

John [00:29:05]: So, like, I understand that even, like, that pushes people into, like, needing two incomes to afford things. Like, I do get that. But at the same time, I do think when it's like an extreme, that it just. You can't have the same amount of intimacy. Again, like, going back to intimacy. It's so important because, like, you're kind of living separate lives together.

Nicole [00:29:30]: Right? Right.

John [00:29:31]: Rather than, like, one. Yeah. You, like, you have to become one. Like, I. I do trust you, but I have to trust you. Right. Because like, you're providing our life. Like, if you don't get your work done, like, we might be eating ramen. Well, not that, like that is happening or I don't think that would happen, but that's like, does make you have a deeper trust, your partner.

Nicole [00:29:58]: Exactly. Yes.

John [00:29:59]: Than if, you know, you guys are just kind of fending for yourselves but living under the same roof.

Nicole [00:30:04]: Right. In which case, why. Why even have the relationship?

John [00:30:08]: Right.

Nicole [00:30:08]: Right. Because you're not, you know, you do have to create a somewhat dependency on each other. Right. Even though that's the dangerous word. But it's. Well, because codependency is bad, but interdependency is not. Right. And that's. I mean, I guess we won't dive too far into that so we don't go too rabbit trail. But to address, like the second point you said about women being told, don't dump this on a man, unfortunately, a lot of the stuff that they have to say is that men need to man up. And there's not a lot that a woman can do about that. But men need to understand that women do need to vent. Right. And this is something that I had to learn. In fact, I think the first time I learned it honestly was when I went to a Tony Robbins seminar and he talked about this and I was like, it just like, I was like, what? Just sit there and listen. And then, you know, and then it's like, but here's the, here's the good news for men to notice, right. When you do this, when you just allow a woman to vent and let her get her stuff out and you validate her emotions, she is going to be walking on cloud. She's going to just like, oh, I know you're getting some action tonight, buddy.

John [00:31:25]: I've been in your comments section with guys who are like, my wife's so mad at me. I'm like, did you just give her a hug? And like, they don't think of that kind of stuff.

Nicole [00:31:36]: It will be life changing for her for you to do this, and she will appreciate it to an immense degree. Don't get emotionally involved in it. Don't get into the. Or try to fix it. Don't try to fix it. Don't get defensive. Just allow her to express those emotions, validate them. It's hard to do. Believe me, I know it. It's hard. I screw up still. I'm pretty good, I think, but I screw up sometimes.

John [00:31:57]: But we're human.

Nicole [00:31:58]: Yeah, but, but, but, but that's what men need to really learn Is that. That is. And again, it kind of comes back to. It's two things, right? So one is you talked about being one, right? And so if you're thinking about me versus her, which is just a bad way, the transaction. Oh, that's why I'm so against 50. 50, by the way, too, is because that's what you're thinking. If you think of it as one, you're one organism, all right? One entity. All right? Then one side of you is emotional, and one side of you is more logical. And you need to allow the emotional side to get what it needs. You see, it's not a come. Then you're like, okay, why should I allow a woman to vent? Because that's the emotional side that's part of you. Of this one you've become. Of two becoming one. And then the other side of it is this. And I think this is what we were talking about a little bit this morning. Is that a man. What might be something that is very heavy for you, right, as a woman, experiencing more emotion and living your life in the now, in the more emotional and less analytical, that might be heavy for you. When you give that burden to me as a man, it's much lighter for me because to me, those heavy emotions don't disturb me as much. So you can release that to me. Sure, maybe it takes a little bit of an energy drain on me, but not as much as it's taking on you. So then what happens when you release that energy and you have now all this energy freed up? Now you can use that energy to support me as a man, right? To support me in the work that I'm doing so that you're lifting me up, increasing my confidence, taking care of sexual needs, like things that are going to make a man feel like he's on top of the world. Now he's going to go out and conquer the world, have more energy. So it creates a synergistic effect where if you handle your problems by yourself and I handle my problems by myself, sure, it's one and one. But if you give me the things that are weaknesses that harm you and I can deal with those easier, and then you're free to be able to now support me in a way that I can't support myself energetically, then one plus one becomes three or four, and that's really what the value of it is. And that's why 50, 50 is 50. 50. Literally, if you add 50 to 50 together, it's 100. It's one, right? It's one. But when you don't play 50 50, you can have bigger than one, but you can never have bigger than one with 50 50.

John [00:34:32]: Right? I mean, I agree. I think something that I want to talk about for a minute is that realistically, I don't think a lot of people right now can do where they provide everything for everybody. And so I want to talk about ways that you can still have that, like, closer amount if you are doing 5050 right now and you want to make your relationship better. And so what I think is so important and what's still blows my freaking mind is people who are married now, this is married people, okay. Who have separate bank accounts.

Nicole [00:35:14]: I'm with you.

John [00:35:14]: Like, do. Do you trust your partner? Like, that just to me is like a huge red flag. Like, you don't trust each other. There needs to. You can have your own separate, but there needs to be a joint. Like, and you need to put money in there together and pay the bills that way.

Nicole [00:35:33]: Right.

John [00:35:33]: Like, I feel like the second you, like, are like, okay, well, you'll pay this and you'll pay this. It's like, then you guys start keeping tabs on each other. You have to just pile it together, right. And maybe take out some money in your personal bank account for, like, gifts or, like, sure. Stuff that you want to buy that, like, whatever, you know. But there has to be a joint bank account or even if you're dating, you can. And you're living together, you can kind of like, you know, make a combined fund.

Nicole [00:36:00]: Sure, exactly.

John [00:36:01]: And then pay it that way because then you still feel like you're a united front.

Nicole [00:36:04]: Right.

John [00:36:04]: Like, you're like, this is you guys together. Not like, okay, she pays this and I pay this, and I got groceries this week. And, you know.

Nicole [00:36:12]: Right.

John [00:36:13]: Like, it's kind of weird to me sometimes when I see, like, couples on Venmo, like, yeah. You know, exchanging things for, like, coffee.

Nicole [00:36:20]: I'm like, yeah, people are going to get really upset at us for that. But, hey, I agree with you. But I'm like, but it's true.

John [00:36:25]: Let's be real. Put the coffee money in your conjoined bank account and then go. Then you're both. You're both still paying for it.

Nicole [00:36:31]: Right.

John [00:36:31]: But it's not like this.

Nicole [00:36:33]: You know, it's less transactional.

John [00:36:35]: Right. Like, everything is so transactional. And that will, like, bring you guys further apart rather than together.

Nicole [00:36:41]: Yeah.

John [00:36:42]: And so, like. Yeah, I just wanted to bring that up because there are ways if you have to do the 5050 or, you know, whatever like, whatever dynamic it is, there's still ways that you can do that and work from a more united front, because that's what you need. Like, and if you feel like you can't do that, you can't join bank accounts with the person you're with, then you need to be. Yeah, you need to, like, take a step back and be like, what? Well, this isn't, this isn't how it should be. Like, you're dating for long term commitment. You should be like, actually dating if you're in a commitment, committed relationship. And so, like, if you're in a committed relationship, but you're like, oh, well, I don't trust him to, like, have our money altogether. That's a big deal. Like, that's breakup level to me.

Nicole [00:37:31]: Yeah, I agree with you.

John [00:37:33]: So, like, the thing is that you shouldn't even be dating, let alone married to somebody that you don't trust, that you don't trust their decisions because you can't put your, like, fate or whatever you want to call it, your life in that person's hand if you feel that way. Like, you can't, you can't trust them. And the same with, like, the dynamic that you were talking about you giving, you know, I give you what I can't handle or I need you to help me with and you give me that. You can't do that if you don't trust the other person. Like, and so I think it really comes down to trust. Like, even financially, if you're so 50, 50, why, like, why don't you trust this person to have some sort of.

Nicole [00:38:21]: Conjoinedness or to never take advantage of you? Right? Because a lot of the 50, 50 comes from. I know when guy they're like, oh, I'm gonna get taken advantage of. Well, yeah, okay. If you go on a date with a girl once and she's planning on taking advantage of, she takes advantage of you. Okay. She missed out on the more important thing, which is you, you should value yourself higher.

John [00:38:41]: Don't go with her again.

Nicole [00:38:42]: But if you're seriously dating someone and you seriously think that they're gonna take advantage of you, if you don't count the or try to make it, then. Then you got a problem.

John [00:38:50]: Well, I think women are afraid of that because they don't vet their dates. And let's be real, they don't. They're just like, they swipe and they're like, here's my number. Let's plan a date. You even tell them, you know, like, you know, don't Talk too much, just get the date. And I get that.

Nicole [00:39:03]: Right.

John [00:39:03]: But I do think men should still be vetting their dates because you are less likely to get in those type of situations. I'm not saying it's never going to happen if you have vetted your date because most of the time you can tell when someone's like, you know, buttering you up or trying to use you for something, if you've talked to them enough to kind of get the feel of it.

Nicole [00:39:25]: If you're a high enough value guy because you've worked on yourself to become that, first of all, you're not going to care about dropping a little bit of money on the dinner. You shouldn't. And second of all, a woman's going to recognize that and she's not going to take advantage and lose the guy. That's way more valuable than one dinner. If a girl values you as much as one dinner, then let her have that because she should be missing out on more. And if you don't feel like you're in a position as a man where a woman would be missing out on more and know it from talking to you that she would be missing out on more if she took you for one dinner, then you're not ready to be dating. You need to be working on yourself instead.

John [00:40:03]: I mean, I agree.

Nicole [00:40:04]: But to address what you said before, because, okay, I'll be real for a second. I know that I'm an idealist, okay? I'm very principled. Like, I believe that a man should be the one that is providing and taking care of everything and that, you know, and all those things. However, it is kind of ideal. Right? I think I. But the reason why I stress it that way is because men should be striving to be that and for that and women should be.

John [00:40:33]: I'm trying to push them to be, you know, the best man that they can.

Nicole [00:40:37]: So I'm not going to water it down. But practically, if we're going to be pragmatic about the current situation, let's say you're already in a relationship and you guys do both need to work or whatever it is, then you should just try. You should know what the ideal is in your head and try to work towards that as much as possible. And I have plenty of coaching clients of mine that I've helped them where they're like, yeah, I'm going to build this business so that my wife doesn't have to work anymore. And they've done that. And then the wife stays home, she takes care of the Kids, they're able to have the things that they couldn't have and have the kind of relationship and dynamic that they couldn't have before. So practically, I think what that looks like is pooling all the money into an account, like you said, and having the man be the authority of that money to be responsible for that money. Right. It doesn't.

John [00:41:20]: Sometimes it's the woman, though, that's more financially responsible, which I know you're gonna say. Men need to learn to be more financially responsible. I understand that. But there are some men that are not. And again, like, if you are with a man that you don't trust his, like, financial intelligence, that's a problem, like how he handles money, then it's not the guy for you because, yeah, he's not there yet.

Nicole [00:41:45]: And guys say the same thing, right? Because they're like, oh, well, I can't pull. I can't. My girlfriend or my wife will just spend all the money. She is. She's a shopping addict. But what do I do? I give you my credit card, right. And do I say, oh, you're limited to. No, I trust you 100%. If you want to buy something, buy something. Right. I know who you are as a person. I know that you're not going to run up the bill and do crazy.

John [00:42:09]: Well, it's because I'm looking at it like this is our life like one, right. I still do the same things that I would do if I was on my own, right. And I was a very, like, financially responsible person and a responsible person in general. So, like, if, you know, I'm not just gonna go buy, like, a new designer handbag just to do it, like. Cause that just doesn't make sense to me. It's like if we have like a discussion or, like, you know, whatever, and like, we come to that together, or like, there's some reason I need this thing or like, whatever I wanna treat myself. Cause I haven't in a while. That's different. But I would never just go impulse spend. Which I do feel like some women might do that if they're in this sort of situation, if they're, like, not using their own knowledge. Or maybe they don't have the knowledge because their parents, you know, supported her until she was however old. And she didn't really have enough time to do things on her own. So that separate note. But I do think women need to learn to be on their own because I think it instills in them things that they need to learn.

Nicole [00:43:19]: I agree, I agree.

John [00:43:20]: But at the same time, you also have to, like, find the right person to trust to let some of that go. But you still use the knowledge, right? Like. Like you just said, like, I don't go, like, on shopping sprees every day. And that's the difference is that, like, I treat it like I would treat it as my own money because it's our money, right? Like, I'm not taking advantage of it. Like, oh, this is his money, so, you know, I'm gonna go buy whatever I want.

Nicole [00:43:47]: Right?

John [00:43:47]: Like, and so you have to look at it as one, right? Right. Like, that's the whole thing. And that's why, like, the people who aren't where we're at, where you're talking about, they can still get that oneness, and they need the oneness, because otherwise, what are you doing? Like, that's. It's just how it has to be. If you're in a relationship, you should be operating as one, as a team.

Nicole [00:44:09]: Exactly. 100%. And, well, and here's another thing, right, Because I think this is relevant to it, which is what is the number one cause of arguments in relationships?

John [00:44:21]: Money.

Nicole [00:44:21]: That is. It's number one.

John [00:44:22]: Right, I know.

Nicole [00:44:23]: So that's why this is so important. And that's why I'm so adamant about not the 50 50. Because if it's not 50, 50, if the man's providing for everything, is paying for all the things, there's no argument, right? I mean, there's very little argument, right, because it's. I mean, you could argue about, oh, she's spending too much money or whatever. She's not being financially responsible. But that's. That's the amount of the argument that you could.

John [00:44:46]: But you can still even have a conversation about that. Hey, like, this is where we're at, you know, right now. Like, you know, that might affect some, you know, if you go out and purchase something. Like, just keep that in mind that this is what we're looking at right now. But that can also change. Like, there should still be those conversations, and we even still have those conversations because, again, it's a. Like, even though you're running it financially, we're still working together.

Nicole [00:45:15]: Exactly. Yeah.

John [00:45:16]: If that makes sense.

Nicole [00:45:17]: And you might have a budget, and you can have a budget and you can form a budget together and those type of things. The other thing I was going to say about the 50, 50, I just lost it now. There was something else, but I can't remember. I can't remember what it was now. So maybe it'll come to me.

John [00:45:37]: But I'm sure we'll have other episodes that little tidbits of different things will go in because there's so many different topics. But. Yeah, yeah, like, I don't want to discourage people because.

Nicole [00:45:49]: No, no, no, that's not the case.

John [00:45:50]: I know where people are operating from. But at the same time, it's like, I do feel like, as a woman, it's hard because, like, you feel like, like all these guys are like 50, 50, and they're so strict about it or like, so, like, you know, to a T that you have, like, you have to follow their lead really, or you leave. Right? And. But the thing is, you. You date and you run into more guys that are like that. So then you start being like, this is the reality of the world we live in now.

Nicole [00:46:20]: I know.

John [00:46:21]: And so I have to get used to it. And so, like, that's why I really wanted to, like, kind of dive more into this. Because there's different reasons for all of it, right? Like, yeah, but there are some people, like I said, that have to have two incomes to pay for stuff. Like, people can't even afford houses and stuff. These. I know that you're going to say work harder, but.

Nicole [00:46:40]: Or like. Or live on. Like, live less on. You know, you don't have to have the iPhone and the car and that. You know what I mean? Look, it'd be better to live a more humble means and have a better family. You know what I mean? You know, I know it's hard. I know it is hard.

John [00:46:57]: But it's like people also didn't learn their priorities and their responsibilities either. That's a whole nother.

Nicole [00:47:03]: Because it is expensive. Now, I'm not trying to deny it. I know it is. But I also know that having come from nothing and made my own way in the world, that it is possible to do that and that a man should be focused on. Oh, I know what the other thing I was going to say was. This is the one that women complain about. And. And rightly so, is because 50, 50 guys, all right, they want to do the money. 50, 50. And the woman working, right?

John [00:47:28]: And then be in charge. So.

Nicole [00:47:30]: And be in charge. But they don't want to do the chores. 50, 50.

John [00:47:33]: Oh, yeah, right.

Nicole [00:47:34]: And women rightly complain about this. Right? And so the thing is, look, if a guy is going to have the woman work, like you said, like, sometimes they need to because it's expensive, then you kind of have to be 50, 50 on the chores of child care.

John [00:47:53]: Have 50 everywhere else, like you said. Like, if you want to go 50, 50, it's got to be 50, 50. And a lot of men don't do that. They want 50, 50, and then they want to still be the man in charge and not have to do the things and not have to, you know, pull their weight in other ways. That's also a problem, like, because besides just denying the guy.

Nicole [00:48:16]: Right.

John [00:48:17]: Like, women. It's so hard for women to find a nice guy that eventually some woman will stay with this guy even though she's not happy.

Nicole [00:48:26]: Right.

John [00:48:26]: So he thinks it's right, and so he continues living this way.

Nicole [00:48:29]: Right.

John [00:48:30]: And women are like, you know, going on all these dates, seeing all these things, and they're like, okay, this just must be how it is.

Nicole [00:48:37]: Yeah.

John [00:48:39]: Because it is rare to find the sort of dynamic that we have and that you say is the ideal. Like, it's. It's really hard. But I think you can do it in certain ways that make it more unified, even if you have to be like, 50, 50 or whatever.

Nicole [00:48:54]: But that's why women have to not accept 50, 50 is they have to have a high enough standard for themselves to say, look, no, I'm not, you know, like, not rude. Not.

John [00:49:02]: Look, I get what you're saying, but people are afraid to be alone. And that's also. But they're afraid to be alone, and rightfully so, because there are people who talk about women's age and how their value diminishes after they get a certain age, but at the same time, they're not supposed to settle. And so it's very complicated. Look, I know, like, I wasn't gonna settle.

Nicole [00:49:25]: Right? Yeah. So, like, otherwise you end up in this situation. And again, not. It doesn't mean that a man has to be absolutely perfect. And sure, maybe a guy might be misinformed and. And believe in the 5050 system. And could it work with that? Yeah, it just makes it harder to have the masculine and feminine dynamic in the relationship. Because, like I said, even the situation.

John [00:49:45]: Where still they're both still there. Like, a woman still has to be masculine to pay her side of the bill.

Nicole [00:49:51]: Right.

John [00:49:52]: To make sure she's got stuff on time. So I wish it were different, but for her to, like, completely let that down.

Nicole [00:49:59]: And what happens, like, you know, if you're both working nine to five jobs, right, Then how do you then have the woman be the nurturer? That's primarily taking care of the kids in the household? You can't. Because that's really not fair at that point. Because what is the Guy actually doing jobs. Yeah, because what is the guy actually doing then? Right. So if, you know, in a situation where the man is the one working and providing for all the bills and everything, then it is right to assume that the woman will take care of the household and the laundry and the kids. Not that the guy shouldn't also be involved in the discipline of the kids in the family. But I'm just saying that she'd be the primary nurturer or the person taking care of the household.

John [00:50:41]: The homemaker.

Nicole [00:50:41]: The homemaker, yeah. Again, it has a negative connotation, but it really shouldn't be because it just makes sense. It's just really hard to have a masculine, feminine dynamic if both people are working and the money is divided up in that way. Not to say that you can't possibly do it, but it just becomes a lot harder because then where do the roles actually get separated? Right.

John [00:51:04]: They're not. They're equal.

Nicole [00:51:07]: I mean. Yeah, it becomes more like that. There's still the masculine aspect of the man being the more stoic, the masculine attributes of being the more stable and rock and analytical, and the woman being the intuitive power of now and the feeling and the emotion side of things.

John [00:51:28]: I think her being more in her masculine does cause them to butt heads too, because she feels like they're on the same playing field because they are at 50. 50, like you said, you should be on the same playing field. So it's almost like two leaders trying to lead, which is like, difficult.

Nicole [00:51:48]: And a woman goes to work and she has to be in her masculine and work place. Right. Because it's a masculine environment. And then she comes home and now she has to try and switch over to the feminine, which is tough. A lot of women struggle with that because it is. It is a tough thing. And I wish I had, you know, I can give you what I think is ideal. I wish I had a solution for everyone because I know people are upset. They're like, it's just. That's not going to work. That's impractical. I get it.

John [00:52:12]: I think we gave a good solution.

Nicole [00:52:13]: But, you know, you have to work. At least you can try to be as close, to move things in that direction as possible and to set up an ideal. And if you are single, then you can say, no, this is how I want my future relationship to work. And I'm going to. If you're a man, you can say, I'm going to build up my ability and finances and make sure that I can provide for a woman in a Family before I look into a serious relationship, which I usually advise that guys wait until they're their 30s to get into a serious relationship anyway, and that's part of the reason why. And if you're a woman, you can say, look, no, I'm not going to just lower my standards. I'm going to say, hey, if I'm valuable enough that if a man wants me, then he should want to provide for me and take care of me. And if he doesn't, then if he's not going to be able to do that, then I'm going to hold that standard there.

John [00:53:08]: When I would say, so I think we covered.

Nicole [00:53:13]: I think so. I think we did. We did.

John [00:53:15]: On that topic, I mean, it was hard because I knew that you were gonna say what the ideal was.

Nicole [00:53:21]: Yeah.

John [00:53:22]: But at the same time, like, I do think that it's important to, like, try to help people that maybe aren't there yet or, you know, can't be there right now or that sort of thing, or people, like you said, who are still dating and, you know, really want a certain type of dynamic.

Nicole [00:53:41]: Yeah.

John [00:53:42]: Because I think the key to a lot of things that we'll be talking about on this entire podcast is the intimacy and the trust and the oneness.

Nicole [00:53:52]: Right, Exactly.

John [00:53:53]: Because you don't have this separation when you feel like you're working as a team, like, as a unit, which is what a relationship and marriage ultimately is. Like. That's. That's the core foundation of it. And it's kind of, you know, gotten into different. I mean, I guess technically, it used to be, like, a business transaction, like, way back in the day, but it's kind of getting more back to that, if that makes sense in a different way.

Nicole [00:54:19]: Exactly. Yeah.

John [00:54:20]: So I think it needs to go back to, like, what everybody wants, like, men want, women want, and that's love, and that's a partner. A partner, exactly. So, yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:30]: And then I forgot. See, I always forget what I'm going to. I was going to say something about the. I can't think of it now. I don't know. I can't. I can't remember it. That's okay. I need, like, a notepad to write down my notes. But. But no, I think we. I think we covered it. Good.

John [00:54:53]: Yeah. So you want to do our closing?

Nicole [00:54:56]: All right, so this segment is something in our relationship that happened this week. So actually, it happened last night, so we got into a little bit of a conflict about Stiff. Yeah. Yeah. So what happened? And I'll take responsibility for this, is that we went out to a restaurant to eat and Nicole was having a little bit of a panic attack because her neck was. Was still.

John [00:55:25]: Doesn't feel great.

Nicole [00:55:26]: Yeah. And so in the car, I kind of tried to touch her neck to help her, and she kind of jerked away. You know, you jerked away from it. And I got a little offended by that. And then in the restaurant, when you're upset about it, I was. I wasn't, you know, I was paying more attention to what I perceived as you being rude because you were in your world of panic. Of the panic. Right. And so I was like, oh, you're being rude to me and whatnot. And I think what it ended up coming down to when we talked about it in the car was one thing, was that, yes, I wasn't being as considerate of it. I was becoming more reactive, I would say. But. But there was something deeper that was bothering me, which we identified, which was that I felt like you never really asked me for help, which is kind of what we talked about in this. So it was good. It was good timing because I felt as a man, I was like, not that obviously I'm taking care of things. You trust my leadership and all those things, but I'm like, there's never really been a time that you've actually been. Can you help me with this? Can you help me? Aside from, like, physical, you know, but, like, emotionally, can you help me? Can you come to me and. Yeah, maybe, if you want to talk about that a little bit.

John [00:56:57]: But yeah, I mean, I told John this too. Like, in that moment, I was just freaking out. Like, if you've had a panic attack, it like, totally, like, consumes you. And so I wasn't really paying attention to the things I said to him. And you know, I wasn't.

Nicole [00:57:14]: And they weren't really bad. Yeah, they weren't bad.

John [00:57:16]: But I was trying to, like, calm myself down with, like, the tactics that I have learned. Help me. And in that moment, I just still. We were at dinner, like, we were at one of those, like, Brazilian steakhouses. So there's constantly people coming up. And so it, like, it kept overwhelming me. And I wasn't having a panic attack because of, like, social anxiety. Right. Like John said, I'm like a huge hypochondriac. So like, anytime something hurts on me for, like, a long period of time, I'm like, I am dying. And than if you know what a panic attack feels like, like, your body starts changing and then you really feel like you're dying. And so, like, all these things were happening. I was like, I feel like I'm gonna throw up on this table. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. And so, like, I was panicking. And, you know, I could tell that John was, like, you know, feeling a certain type of way. But I. Like, in that moment, I was just like, I can't stop and be like, are you okay? Like, what's going on with you? I was just trying to, like, not pass out. And so.

Nicole [00:58:11]: And I just really wanted you to reach out to me for help. I think that's why I was really.

John [00:58:15]: At the same time, I was like.

Nicole [00:58:16]: Let me help you.

John [00:58:17]: Help me, really.

Nicole [00:58:18]: But just, like, emotional support. Just, like, help me, you know?

John [00:58:21]: Like, yeah, like, and. And that really, I told John this and. Cause it's the truth is that, like, I've never asked anyone, really, for help, because I grew up, like, figuring my own problems out and things like that. Like, I didn't have, like, my parents really to be like, hey, can you help me with this? Like, they were busy, you know, they. Like I said, they did the 50, 50. They worked all the time. So it's like, I never had that. And then also, like, a part of, like, my childhood. And that experience also made me feel like a burden. And being a woman, like I said, that's why I wanted to discuss it is like, putting all your stuff on somebody. You feel like a burden. You feel like you're, like, weighing someone else down. You're bringing them down with you.

Nicole [00:59:01]: Right.

John [00:59:01]: Like, and so I just didn't want to do that to you. And, like, you do provide for our family. So I was like, I don't want to add my problems on top of his. So it wasn't like I was doing it because I'm like, I don't need your help. Like, I, you know, am better and can figure it out. But you felt that way, and I don't want you to feel that way. And it will help me by not having to completely do everything on my own and being able to lean on somebody. It's just, like, learned behavior that I need to, like, unlearn and reach out for help.

Nicole [00:59:33]: Yeah.

John [00:59:34]: Like, I can't even really do it with my friends. Like, so. Yeah, you know, it's just.

Nicole [00:59:38]: It makes a man feel important and valued. Honestly, especially in society today, it's very important. Women are afraid of being seen as needy or right. Of not being able to handle things on their own, and they're given the message. In fact, you sent me that TikTok or A video on it, I think. Right where? Oh, no, no, I sent you one because I shared with Jake. Jake. What's his name?

John [00:59:59]: Jake Maddox.

Nicole [01:00:00]: Maddox, yes. Good. Good Instagram account. If you. If you check him out. But what he said about women being needy and that men do want women to be. It makes a man feel like he's useful. Men need to feel useful.

John [01:00:14]: Like the minority of what's being told. I really only heard it from him and you in that instance. And so, again, I think that's another. Maybe a whole nother episode that we should do. But, yeah, it did uncover something that I needed to work on. Like, I do need to reach out for you for help and other people, too, because there's plenty of people who are like, let me help you. And, like, you know, I'm just like, well, let me just do it myself, because I don't want to put anything on them.

Nicole [01:00:43]: Right.

John [01:00:43]: Like, you know, I'll just figure this out. And that's, like I said, how I've always operated. So it is hard kind of getting out of that. But, like, I do trust you, and I want you to feel that way, and I want you to feel like I need you, and I do need you. So it was good to get kind of, like, to the root of that. Even though I felt horrible, and I still feel horrible that I ruined our date. Like, you literally, like, had to leave. Because it was pretty bad. Like, I haven't had a panic attack like that in a long time, and I haven't had a panic attack at a restaurant before. So it was just like. It's like, it's a whole experience.

Nicole [01:01:19]: The money doesn't matter. Like, like I was saying, the value would. This is the better than perfect podcast. And the whole point is that it's. It's through these things that, you know, it's not a perfect relationship all the time. Like, there are things that come up that's good, and that's what makes it better than perfect, is because we both grow through the experience, because we do it in a healthy way, where even though there's some conflict, it's. It's handled in a healthy way, and it produces growth after that. So.

John [01:01:47]: Right. It's good to show the, like, humanized side because, like, so many people, especially on social media and stuff, like, present that their lives are perfect and you never see the, like, other parts and.

Nicole [01:01:58]: Right.

John [01:01:58]: We don't want that. Like, this is real. Yeah. We're trying to, like, show how, like, the way that we mess up and make mistakes actually Makes us stronger.

Nicole [01:02:08]: Exactly.

John [01:02:09]: With real stuff that people can do that. Yeah. So, you know, and with that said.

Nicole [01:02:13]: I think that's also worth saying real quick that we. We're going to say a lot of things that might seem like they're judgmental or might offend some people, that we know that even that watch this. But we're not making any judgment on anybody else. We're just giving our true, honest truth without worrying about if it offends someone, because that's. Well.

John [01:02:35]: And people have to figure their things out.

Nicole [01:02:37]: And they can figure out. But it's not meant to be a judgment in saying that, oh, these people are bad or wrong because they're not doing it the way that we believe is correct. It's just, we're gonna give our full truth and we're not gonna hold back because we're afraid of hurting someone's feelings. That's. That's the truth. That's.

John [01:02:51]: That's why I try to keep people's feelings. But, you know.

Nicole [01:02:54]: Yeah. I mean, you can do it in a nice. In a gentle way.

John [01:02:57]: You have to.

Nicole [01:02:57]: But at the same time, you know, I know that some people are. Be offended by the 5050 thing or what we talked about, you know, last week, but it. That's.

John [01:03:05]: But I think we also acknowledge that, you know, everybody's at their own place and everybody wants certain things, and, like, it's more about, like, the root of what's gonna make your relationship better, rather than, like, being 50, 50 or not type of thing. Like, is there, like, a more ideal thing? Sure. But is that, like, achievable to everybody right now? No, like, that's the reality. So I think it's important to, like, give the actual tidbits of information that are gonna help people get to where they wanna be, which most people want a really good relationship with the person that they're choosing to be with. So. And that's what this whole podcast is for. So. And that's why we have to show that we make mistakes and we mess up and we have, you know, conversations that help us get to a better place. Like, will we make some of the same mistakes again? I'm sure. But we both actively try to put what we talk about to, like, action, like, in action, and that that makes a difference. So.

Nicole [01:04:11]: Awesome. All right, well, we'll see you guys next week.