John: A man can take care of you and make you feel loved, even if you guys are 50/50. It's about how he treats you. He should treat you like a princess. He would love you if you're a worm. There we go, exactly. That's why they say it. "Shahul, I would ride you into the desert." You haven't seen Dune. That is what he's talking about. I am a giant worm he wants to ride through the desert.

Nicole: Beyond the perfect, we discovered through our flaws, we complete each other better than perfect. We stay through every fault. We find... Alright, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other equals one better than perfect relationship. Almost lost it there, but then you got it back. I was like, "Oh no," and then you were like swerved back.

John: Little notebook here. I feel like I'm a reporter. Like, we give you the latest news. Yes, oh, this just in. Apparently, there's a nuclear bomb that's been set up. Just kidding. Anyway, didn't you have a question somebody wanted?

Nicole: Yeah, so we actually have a question. I did read it, but I didn't read it to you. So, he said, if you could please answer this question on the Better Than Perfect podcast with your wife, Nicole. So, there we go. I will leave off his name due to the nature of the question, which is, here's my question. I am a 32-year-old male and have never been in a romantic relationship. I have lots of muscle and make six figures, and I'm six feet tall. So, he's got the three sixes: six figures, six feet tall, six-pack. That's what the women want. Okay, okay. But I got into the habit at an early age of 18 of seeing escorts. Oh, it started out of curiosity but became a deeply ingrained habit. Yes, a habit. It is a different world and causes you to view women as sex objects. I never bothered with dating as I was involved with this habit. I would like to have a girlfriend for the first time in the next year, but I don't know how to go about it. Online dating generally doesn't work, and I tried joining a dancing class, but I am always perplexed how, despite being more muscular than every man there, women do not gravitate towards me. It's almost like women don't value looks as much as men do. Also, I don't want to have kids in the future. It gets me down, as I want to experience true romantic love for the first time, but I'm in a dilemma. If I don't want to have kids, how will that be possible? I'm also very selfish and only want the good aspects of a relationship that suits me without dealing with all the headaches. I'm starting to think this is appropriate for this episode.

John: I'm starting to think maybe the best option for me is to become a sugar daddy in the future. That way, it's an upgrade on seeing escorts, as you get longer-term intimacy with hot girls, but you also get to retain your peace and freedom. The only downside is, by making it into a transaction and using money, you can never experience proper love, and this will eat away at you when you get to an old age. I'm in a dilemma here, and it eats away at me every day. I would love some advice on this question from you and Nicole on your podcast. I'm about to just say, screw the topic for this week because there's a lot to unpack here. I should have been writing notes. Why did you put your phone away? Like, I'm going to forget. Remember the thing? I mean, Jesus. Okay, first, yeah, where do you want to begin?

Nicole: He screwed himself over with the escort thing. Like, I know he wanted to get laid, but he has turned women into sex objects by that being his one, it sounds like, primary, first experience.

John: Yeah, and majority of his experience, if not all of his experience.

Nicole: Yeah, so he doesn't even... He's just all sorts of messed up in what he even wants. 'Cause him even being like, "I just want the good things of a relationship and not bad," you can tell he's never been in a relationship. You can tell he doesn't understand. And I think he understands a little bit how messed up he made himself because he's like, "I guess I'll just be a sugar daddy." 'Cause to be honest, where he's at right now, that's his only logical explanation because it's basically what he's doing already.

John: Yeah, he's already giving the sugar that women want to these women. He's paying women already, so like, a sugar daddy's not far off from what he already is.

Nicole: Right, so I would say the first thing that I recommend for him to do is to stop having sex with escorts and to not go hook up with random women either. To stop having sex. I think he needs to, like, cold turkey cut it off for a while.

John: Okay, where he resensitizes himself to women. Almost like, like you've talked about when men go off to war, and they see an ankle, and they're like, "Yeah, give me that ankle," coming in their pants. We might need to cut that out.

Nicole: No, it's fine. It's fine. I wasn't going to go there, but it just came out of my mouth.

John: But no, I think he needs to desensitize himself to a severe point. You need to desensitize yourself.

Nicole: [Laughter] I told you, there's a lot to unpack here. Like, I am shook by all the things that you just said. But I think that is step one.

John: Yeah, I agree. I think Step One is... I mean, I don't think the situation is that much different than most men, actually. I'll tell you why. Because, yeah, he's got the habit of escorts, of course. There's a lot of guys that do. Right? Obviously, that's the oldest profession in the world. It stays in business. But a lot of guys are also, even if they're not specifically going to escorts, they're hooking up with women to get the sexual, and then they're not like, they're using them as objects. They're using them for sex.

Nicole: Well, the pornography, like, they're, you know, the wide rampant, you know, different, you know, stuff there, where guys are addicted, you know, to that. So, that it's still, that might even be rewiring the brain in the worst way because that's not even a human. That's a picture on the screen.

John: Right, so at least there's some humanity there. You know, I'm not saying that's a good plan. They still have been turned into objects rather than a person. Does that make sense?

Nicole: It's well, it's a transactional tool to get what he wants.

John: Yeah, like, he still has dehumanized these women because he says that it's like a habit. He's not, he hasn't said that he fell in love with any of them.

Nicole: True, true. You know, so there's still like, not romantic material. He acts like he's never had anybody that he's romantically involved in. And I think unless he goes cold hard turkey and almost like gets him through withdrawals, like he's going to have to go through withdrawals like a drug addict. 'Cause he's an addict.

John: Right, yeah, to this thing. Because if he doesn't, right, he might meet a woman he falls in love with, but he might not be sexually attracted to her because she's not this extreme sexualized version.

John: That he's used to, right? Well, and then also, I think the big problem is that it's just going to be too hard. So, it's like, you know, he's used to just paying the money, getting whatever girl he wants, right? And probably whatever legitimately he wants. And then now, it's like he goes out to a nightclub, he goes to try and talk to a girl. It's so many steps to get to the end result that it's going to feel like, jeez, it can't just be about what you want. Like, assuming, because I've never had a prostitute, I'm assuming it's you pay the money, you get whatever you want, right?

Nicole: Yeah, I mean, there's like, you think about your pleasure, you're not thinking about the prostitute's pleasure.

John: Yeah, yeah, that's if you meet a woman in real life. Some guys do operate this way, but you can't just go in and be like, "I want to..." you know. Later, I already said worse things. I don't know why I don't want to say the things, but you know what I mean. Like, you can't go in where you're just focused on you getting off. In real life, no woman is going to want to do that. That happens, mostly it does happen, but also, women will be like, "No, thank you." Right? Whereas, like, he's used to just getting whatever he wants because he's paying for it. Right? Where in reality, he's going to meet a woman who doesn't want to do some of the stuff that...

Nicole: Yeah, you can't take shortcuts because if you take shortcuts, it's like this. It's sort of like, if you, I don't know, well, okay, well, here's a good example because this one's coming up soon for a lot of ladies, which is, let's say that you're a lady doing OnlyFans, okay, also a form of prostitution. You're making the big money, you're making 20, 30 grand a month, maybe 50 grand a month. Okay, at some point, that gravy train is going to end, whether it be AI that replaces you, or your age, whatever it is, right? Or newer, younger girls coming out, whatever. You know, at that point, I hope you saved all that money and invested it in real estate because if you have to go and get a job at 7-Eleven, and you're going to make $10 an hour when you were making $40,000 a month doing almost nothing, just taking naked pictures of yourself, they don't, at 7-Eleven, they can go be a prostitute. That's the...

John: Yeah, see, that's what's going to happen, right? Because they're like, "Okay, how many girls do you think leave OnlyFans, try to get a legitimate job, and then they're like, 'I have to work for $15 an hour, $10 an hour'?" And then they probably go straight to pros. I'm only saying that because, like you said, there'll always be men willing to pay for that. And so, yes, OnlyFans women, AI comes, they get older, whatever, but they can still do that if they want to because men are not...

Nicole: Selective, especially in this instance because this man has paid from the very beginning. It sounds like he didn't even try to go get laid. And even if he tried, he didn't try hard enough because he could have learned other things rather than taking the easy way out, like you're saying.

John: Right, the easy way out is to just pay for it, and you don't actually... like, he missed learning valuable things in picking up a woman, like if he's doing it the right way.

Nicole: Right, like we've talked about, he's devalued. You see what I'm saying? That's what it's like now. If he has to go and do the work and go out on dates and stuff, it's going to feel like a lot more work than just, you know. So, no, I agree with you.

John: And then he fell into the common mistake that so many guys make, which is thinking that if I get jacked and I make a lot of money, women are just going to fall over me. It's just, it never... You've got to be a rock star, okay, a rapper, NBA player. It's not money.

Nicole: It's not being jacked. It's never going to happen. You have to face it. Here's why I think women aren't falling all over him. Like you said, he has the three sixes or whatever the heck you called it. He should be having everything, right? He is giving off this energy. Women are very intuitive. He's probably giving off this energy that is causing women to stay away from him, even though she doesn't know what he's doing. Women can typically tell what kind of vibe, and if he's like, "I have all these things, why don't women want me?" Right? There's usually some sort of other reason. And like I said, when you're reading it, like, that's not what it's all about for women. Like, I don't know if maybe men will finally realize now that this guy is sitting here saying he has all the things that women supposedly want, and no women want him. Right? That maybe they'll understand now that it's not viewed the same for men and women. But he's putting some sort of energy out there when he's talking to women, and it's either like he is maybe a little bit more selfish because he's used to just getting what he wants, and he doesn't want to put the work in, and women can sense that. Or it's that he's taken the easy way out, and he just genuinely doesn't even have any of the knowledge that you get from dating and meeting women in real life, and, you know, valuing a woman. Because I also don't understand what he means by he doesn't want to have kids, so he can't find the love that he wants.

John: Well, I think what he's saying is that women are going to want to have kids. Not all of them.

Nicole: Yeah, but a majority. Now, more than ever, there's more women who don't want to have kids than there ever was. But I think there's still, you know, it's a pretty likelihood that... But he also might change his view if he got to a point. I don't think he should, in the position he's in. He is in no position to have a child. None.

John: Yeah, so I can also see he might have a lot of children. Who knows? Let's hope not. But I think that also too is affecting his mindset with children. Like, granted, if he really doesn't want to have kids, I'm not saying he should change his mind, no, but he might think he doesn't want to have children because he's never been in love with somebody. Sex is so transactional, right? Or transactable, that like, he only knows it to get this one thing rather than it being a way of bringing life into the world. Like, it seems like he's never fully developed, like he thinks he has because he has the three sixes or whatever. But by him taking the easy way out with women, both ways, yeah, sexually and romantically, right, he is stunted.

Nicole: Yeah, and women can tell that. And this is the problem. I have dealt with this similar issue with so many guys that I've coached because guys will think this is the thing. I'll tell you.

John: How it is with guys, right? So, guys are so afraid to go and talk to a girl, so terrified to do it, to be rejected. They're going from A to B, right? Then they'll be like, "Alright, I don't want to do this, so I'm going to go over here, and I'm going to make millions of dollars and go to the gym for 20 hours a week and get completely jacked. Then I won't have to do this thing. I'll just get the girl because she'll just..." So many guys dedicate themselves like, "I'm so scared to go and talk to a girl that I would rather work my ass off in the gym and at work in order to make money and to get muscles so that I don't have to do that." But then they come to me and hire me because that didn't work.

Nicole: Because it doesn't work, right? Because you have to go and do the thing. You have to go. They're doing it for the wrong reasons, right? They're doing those things to get confidence in themselves, and then those things aren't giving them confidence in themselves to go talk to women. 'Cause what do you need to talk to women? Confidence in yourself. But they're like, "Oh, if I make a bunch of money, then I'm going to be the man. And if I go get jacked, then I'm going to be the man, and I'm going to feel good." But they get those things, they never feel good. It's the same thing that happens with women. They're like, "Oh, when I get a boob job, I'll feel better because men will want me," or, "When I can have money to get fancy clothes, then I'll be attractive to everybody." And women get that, and then they're like, "It's no different," because they're trying to get confidence in themselves via these ways that are not actually giving them confidence in themselves. So they're skipping, like you said, right? Learning how to get confidence in themselves, learning to appreciate themselves and their self-worth, right? And they are trying to take the easy way by being like, "Okay, well, if I have all these exterior things, people will just gravitate towards me." But you still don't have the confidence. You still don't know what makes you a special person, which there is something that makes everybody a special person, right? That attracts the right people in their life. That's why the women are... I'm not saying that women are going to come bombard you when you know who you are, right? But they are more likely to gravitate towards you if you're confident in yourself and you're not afraid of them. If you're confident in yourself, well, and that's the thing, it's like these are ways to avoid facing your fears, right?

John: Right. And so that's why, like, taking these shortcuts, I tell guys all the time, no prostitutes, don't do it because it's a shortcut. Look, if you're a guy that could go up and pick up women and get laid, and then you went to a prostitute, I still don't recommend it, but I wouldn't lecture you on it and say because it's not going to stunt you, right? It's like, if you want to do it, fine, it's whatever, your life. But if you can't get laid and you go to a prostitute, it's going to make it harder for you ever to be able to because you've taken the shortcut. Well, and this is what men don't realize, especially when they're horny, right? They want to just get there, right? Whatever way is the quickest. They don't think about the repercussions. This man didn't think about the repercussions when he ordered an escort for the first time, right? And he didn't think of the repercussions when he kept doing it because it felt good at the time, right? He didn't understand what it was doing to his life, right? And now he's in this position, and it's going to take a lot to get him out of this position, like mentally, right?

Nicole: Oh yeah. So now, instead of going the hard way of talking to women and trying to learn how to get women to like you, to date you, now he instead created another hard way. It's still hard. It would have been hard either way. Now, he has this other hard way of breaking out of that to find love.

John: Yeah. And I don't think men really think about the long term in these moments. Plus, he's going to have to explain his past at some point, which is not going to be... I mean, that would be pretty difficult. I mean, either you're going to lie about it, right? Not good. Or you're going to tell whatever girl that you finally end up with, "Yeah, I spent the 20 years of my life just, or whatever is, you know, how many years, 15, you know, somewhere, 10, 15 years of my life just banging prostitutes." That's not husband material. It's not going to go over well. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, the sugar daddy thing is another try. Try to do it. It's again, it's doing the same thing. I don't think he'll be happy. He's already doing it, right? It's the same thing that he tried to do before, taking a shortcut, trying to like get around the feel. The exact and even just going to the dance class, like, and being jacked and be like, "Why aren't the women coming to me?" It's because you're not facing your fear and going. You're trying to still do it the easy way of putting yourself in a position where women will approach you rather than you approaching them.

Nicole: Yeah. And fear is something that will take over your life. It will not... You cannot just relegate fear to the corner and be like, "Okay, I'm just going to stay out of this corner and let fear there," because you put fear in the corner, and then you're going about doing your thing, and then you look over, and you're like, "Oh, shit, it just grew." It's like, it's now taking up this part of the room, and it's just going to take up more and more of your life. And so you just have to face it. You're going to have to face the fear if you're going to... Yeah. I mean, people are definitely afraid to do the hard thing, but they don't realize that a lot of times they make it harder by taking the easy way out. And if you just faced it and you just dealt with it, then yes, it'd still be hard, but you would have learned so much that it gets easier from there. They don't want to do the initial hard to get to the easier. They're like, "Well, this is easier right now," and then it makes it hard all...

John: It keeps going, yeah, exactly, for longer. It just gets worse. Yeah. So, he definitely... Yeah. And as far as... I mean, again, I don't know, maybe we should turn the whole thing into this because I'm still shooketh, if you want to. We could. I mean, we can talk about this. It's been 20 minutes, and I still feel like it's... I mean, this kind of does segue into the idea of... Because I was going to say about settling because that's what you're gonna talk about on the episode, is that he's going to have to make a choice. Like, the requirements that he has, no, he can't settle for a woman. Like, a woman doesn't deserve that, and a man doesn't deserve...

Nicole: A woman won't settle for him unless he changes. He can't just say, "I don't want to have kids. I want the good parts of the relationship and not the bad part." He's delusional right now because he's only had escorts, so he's trying to pick and choose, to take the easy way. He wants a relationship but doesn't want to ever argue, get in an argument, or have somebody nag him. That's stupid, no offense. You're trying to pick and choose just like you learned that you could do sexually. And if you genuinely think that's how you're going to go into a relationship, you're going to end up in a bad situation, just like you're ended up in a bad situation now. He's doing the same things over again, trying to take the easy way. He's like, "Oh, I've been paying somebody to have sex with me, and now I want a relationship. I'm ready for love, but I don't want a relationship that's got problems, and I don't want kids." Maybe he'll just be a sugar daddy. He's still trying to take the easy way out.

John: Yeah, this is a whole mindset shift that he can only do. It can happen. He can change his life around, but it's up to him. And I think he has to go cold turkey, no sex, and change his relationship with sex as well.

Nicole: But why? Because there are plenty of guys on the internet, you know them, I know them, that will say this is exactly the lifestyle. It's like, if it was...

John: Why would he be messaging you then? Plenty of guys like, "No, it's... you can, if you want sex, you can pay a prostitute, or you can go and learn game and pick up. You don't need to settle down with any girl. You don't have to get into any real relationships. You can just play it how you want to play it, be a playboy." It sounds like what a man wants, but this is a man literally messaging you that he has all the things that supposedly men want, and what is he still looking for? Love.

Nicole: Yeah, honestly. He has women, he has access to women, he's paying for them, but he has that, and he has the sex with women who will do whatever he wants. He's missing love and he's missing genuine desire. Because you're not getting... He's gotten so used to just getting what he wants that he doesn't have anybody who he's not paying show him that he's wanted.

John: Right.

Nicole: But he can't just go and get it now.

John: No, he's messed himself up.

Nicole: Yeah, no, he's got to do some work to get... But I mean, this kind of goes into what me and you were talking about the other night, that I won't go full into because it's really complicated. But this man, like you said, has what every man says he'd be happy with. So why is he messaging you? Why? He should be like, "I'm living my best life." Because, like you said, I'm sure there's guys watching this, and they're like, "Well, that sounds like the life. Why is he upset?" It's because men don't understand really that they do want love. They need sex, yes, they do. That's part of how they're programmed. Men also want love. Men want it just as much as women.

John: Well, because I was in a similar position until I met you. Everything was going smooth. I mean, there were a little bit of small complications, but aside from that, I was living my best life. I was good. I was having fun.

Nicole: Well, you also weren't paying people.

John: No, I wasn't paying anyone, but you know, I was out there living like a playboy. But when I met you, you messed it up for me.

Nicole: You're welcome.

John: Yeah, the flashbang. No, but you did mess it up because then I was like, "I'm missing something." I didn't know I was missing something. I didn't feel like I was missing because you can cover it up, right, with a bandage. Well, and you can fulfill one need that is a really high need for men, but everybody needs love. And guys try to act like they don't, and I'm telling you, from even when I was single, and I saw guys talk about, "Oh, well, I'll be single forever, and I'll be happy, and I can go out and get whoever," but they're not really happy.

Nicole: They're not. They are content. They are getting what they want, but they are not happy. Not happy. Someone doesn't love them, and they might feel desired by women, but these women don't know who they really are. They don't desire him for all that he really is.

John: Yeah, and that's what a man wants too. A man does want to be totally accepted, just like a woman does. And for the night, men can feel like the man, and she can make him feel desired, but deep down, too, he knows that she doesn't really know him. She doesn't know his dark side. Would she desire him if she did?

Nicole: That's a good point.

John: Yeah, he wants a woman who's seen everything and still loves him, and still desires him, and still wants to be with him.

Nicole: Right, yeah, that's true. And until men realize that they need women for love, they will continue to use women just for sex and then be upset when they're missing something.

John: And take it out on women. Like, men have to treat women better. Men need the love from a woman.

Nicole: Yeah, they do, deep down, even if they don't want to admit it. Well, it also, I think, also it stunts your growth, right? Because you should never get something that you can't... And what I mean by this is that, yeah, financially he can afford the sex, but he hasn't really earned it. So there's like a psychological... That's also why porn can be dangerous for guys too, for the same exact reason. It's because you're tricking your brain. The lottery is also bad. Nobody earned the million dollars, so they don't know what to do when they get a million dollars. But if you earn the million dollars, you've been through all of the steps to get to that million dollars, and you're going to treat it way different than if you just got it handed to you because you picked the right lottery numbers.

John: Right, yeah. So that's what he did. He just... problem. He paid for... He cut corners. The system.

Nicole: Exactly. And he cut corners on himself.

John: Well, but and that's what cuts your personal development. Because if you're a guy, this is why I used to always tell guys, look, if you are struggling with women, one, cut out the porn. Okay, two, no drinking, no alcohol. So no cheats, right? That's a cheat as well. It's a crutch. Okay, you gotta... you gotta end... no, uh, jerking it. Like, you got to be 100% eager, like you know, you got to have the hunger where you're like, "Whatever it takes, I'm going to have to do something about this." And so that's going to cause you to go to the gym. You have to start eating healthy. It's going to cause...

John: You have to go and talk to that girl even if you're scared to do it. You're going to have to figure out the things that you need to do to get the thing that you want. When you get an artificial substitute for what you want, whether that be pornography or prostitutes or whatever it is, you don't have as much of a... it doesn't fully satiate the hunger, right? But it makes you not hungry enough. It fills you up enough that you're still hungry but not hungry enough to go and kill. Think about like fake foods and stuff, fake stuff that, like, yes, gets rid of your hunger or gets rid of whatever, but like you said, you still sort of feel like you need more because it's not real, it's not authentic. It's not actually giving you the nutrients or the lessons or the learning that actually going and doing it does.

Nicole: Yeah, it's that guy is all a mess, unfortunately. But like I said, I think people can change their situations around. Just based on what he said though, I don't even think he is ready. Like if he's like, "Well, I just want love and the good parts of a relationship, not the bad," like he has no idea what a relationship is. I mean, hopefully, he's watching our podcast, I guess, since he said to talk about it, and that's good that he is trying to get help, but he doesn't even know what a relationship really is. And like, we even talk about how we have such a good relationship, but it's not like sometimes we get the parts that aren't rainbows and sunshine, and we have those less than I feel like a good amount of people, but we still have those. And you're going to have those. But the thing is, he's never even dealt with it at all because he's never had a relationship, a real relationship, so he would not be able to handle those moments. And I get that's why he's like, "I don't want those," but you have to go through, yeah, you have to. You can't avoid the things that you don't like, the things that scare you, or that you, you know, you have to face the demons. And maybe that's why he doesn't want kids because maybe it scares him in some way, you know, like the responsibility, the commitment. I don't know, maybe that's why he doesn't want to have kids. I mean, to be honest, in the frame that he's in right now, he's 100% right, he should not have kids. But I also think that if he figured this stuff out, he might change his mind on even that, you know? But he has to go back to square one. Like he has to cut out the sex, like, like you said, cut out all of it. Right, I would say, like, like you said, no taking care of it yourself, no nothing, nothing, exactly nothing. And he probably needs a few months doing this, to be honest. And it might drive him crazy, but that also might motivate him when he sees an attractive woman to go and talk to her, granted he needs to make sure he's not like so crazy that he goes and says something he shouldn't, but that it motivates him to learn how to speak to women, to like learn how to romance them, and then he can eventually get what he wants. And he'll appreciate that more because right now he can pay for it whenever he doesn't even appreciate sex. He doesn't even appreciate the beauty of what it can be, and a lot of men don't because it's different for guys, you know? Like, you know, they can, what, what do you say, it's like a one, a scale of one to five for guys or something, and it's like they can get at least to a three or yeah, exactly, every single time, right? So, like, you know, he doesn't even understand, he doesn't even know, understand sex with a woman who makes him feel desired and who he loves and how intimate and different of an experience that could be. He has no idea.

John: Right, exactly. Yeah, and I think that's what he wants to experience because he's like, "I want to be in love and all that stuff." But I mean, I'm kind of glad you mentioned this because I think, like you said, a lot of guys would hear this and be like, "Why is he complaining? This is the life. Like, everybody wants this," but obviously not. And this guy, if he is what he says he is and is successful and has all this stuff, he's still not happy.

Nicole: Yeah, because what he's missing is love. He's missing somebody loving him. And I'm sure getting escorts and whatever has made him probably feel more lonely and less loved because these women don't care about him.

John: Right, yeah, it's, he's a paycheck to them. It's even a different situation, like I said, like what I was in where I wasn't paying. I had learned the skills. I had, you know, had women coming, you know, to me. So, but even still, that was still empty. You see what I'm saying? That's what I'm right, I'm pointing out. Even if you work for it in the sense of like you romance them or whatever, right, it's not fulfilling. And I've always felt that way when I would see men be like, "Oh, well, this is the life," and like, "You're not fulfilled. Like, you're really not." And just like women being like, "I don't need a man," they're also missing something. I'm not saying that it's just men, but women want love, and it's pretty obvious. And usually, the only time that a woman acts like she doesn't want love is because she's been burned so many times, but she still wants it.

Nicole: Exactly. Well, and still wants it. It's funny because the video that I was editing today, um, the one I showed you, right, when I showed it to the guys in my Mastermind, one of the guys was like, "Yeah, you know, that story with the high school crush, he was like, 'That just hit me so.' That's when I was really the most dialed in." And he was like, "Because every guy has had that moment." And so, and every woman's had that, right? Every woman loved or like had a huge crush on a guy. How many women have ended up with that guy, like in high school, you know what I mean? But guys start out with their heart on their sleeve, right? They write a sappy love letter, they see a girl, they fall in love with her without even really knowing her, and then they get their heart stomped on and crushed. And then they, a lot of times, will start to think, "Oh, that's just the fairy, that's not real. You got to grow." Also, like to say that to other women, yeah, people, plenty of people said that to me, yeah, too. But I was like, "No, I think you can have love that is good, you know?" I'm not saying it's like, yeah, the movies, but I'm like, "I mean, I agree with that now." But I'm just saying that like, people tried to convince me. They're like, "Oh, like, this isn't realistic. You need to like lower your standards or get real about what's out there." And I get why people even say that, but at the same time, I think people do a disservice when they get jaded like that. Like, I'm not saying be like, "It has to be perfect, and I'm not settling for anything less than perfect." Have your standards, like we talked about.

John: The other episode talked about things that are non-negotiable, but it's important to strive for the best you can without being unrealistic, because then you end up settling, which was supposed to be the topic. It still kind of is because settling is about being the equivalent. I did a video the other day, a short where I was like, "Imagine you were a hot girl. Imagine the choices and selection she has."

Nicole: Oh, I saw this video of yours, and it was really good. "Would she pick you if you were her? If you were that girl, would you pick you?" That's what it was. And it goes both ways. I said it to guys because that's my audience, but it's about standards. Some people have unrealistic standards because they're not realistic to them. They're not bringing their best self but expecting someone else's best self. Your resume includes 7-Eleven and McDonald's, and you are interviewing for Rolex CEO or Pepsi CEO executive position, and you're like, "That's my standard," and then you're mad, "I will not take less than $1 million a year." So, you have to be the million-dollar man or the million-dollar woman if you want the million-dollar man. You have to think, "Would I pick me? Would I be excited about picking me?" And if the answer is no, then one of two things has to happen: either you need to elevate yourself up to that level to become that, or you do need to drop your standards because they're too high.

John: Yeah, I mean, I agree with what you're saying.

Nicole: But I had some other thing that I totally lost. Okay, repeat what you just said.

John: You have to decide if you're going to up your level to be up there or if you are going to lower your standards to be where you're at.

Nicole: Right, I know what I was going to say now. You don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship or be with somebody. You do have to be working towards bettering yourself and putting it into action. It doesn't matter where you are; you can get in a relationship, and then you're going to grow together with the person. If you're here, don't try to find people that are up here and then think you're going to grow. You got to find people that are at the level you are, and you can both grow together and be up there. Maybe you're like, "Okay, well, I want to get into a relationship until I'm," and that's probably good. If you're way down here, no, you're going to get into a nasty relationship; it's going to be toxic. If you're toxic, you will have a toxic relationship.

John: Yes, but I don't think I was that toxic when I had a toxic relationship. It doesn't mean that you're toxic; you can still have a toxic relationship. But if you're toxic, you will guaranteed have a toxic relationship.

Nicole: Right, if you have worked on yourself to a certain degree, then you can get into a normal relationship, and you can still grow together. But you have to have some semblance of growth to start with. This guy, speaking to that guy still, because that's a lot, he does have things he has to do before. Like the sex problem has to be at least heavily overhauled before he can get into a relationship. No woman is going to be able to handle where he's at right now, especially when he's like, "Hey, I'm just going to go to 7-Eleven real quick," and she's like, "Why are you gone for an hour?" She can't trust him. He hasn't shown he has self-control yet. He has to show he has self-control, he has to show that he's working to fix this. Him messaging you and wanting us to talk about it, I think he is trying to go in that direction, obviously, but there's a lot that he has to do that we can't do for him.

John: Unfortunately, but let's try to get into the topic just for people to know officially: Who settles more, men or women?

Nicole: Who do I think settles more? It's women who settle more, but it's hard because they also have higher standards, so their settling ends up being... I'm trying to think, what do guys settle for? They don't really think of it as settling.

John: But they do in the sense that a lot of guys are like, "The grass is greener; maybe there's a better woman out there."

Nicole: And you don't think it's the same as settling because I agree with you, women settle. I think it's pretty even actually. Women settle because they want a family, their biological clock is ticking, this guy's close enough.

John: I think men settle because they're like, "Well, maybe there's a hotter woman or maybe there's a better woman out there, but this woman loves me, so I can't let her down," and so he stays with a woman. But that's not settling; that's just a smart choice if you think that there's better out there. And this is why women tell other women that your husband needs to love you more than you love him, and I don't believe in that because me and you, I feel like we're on an equal playing field. But there's a reason why.

John: If a man feels like he can do better or there's better out there and he potentially missed out on it, he will not treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. He might love you, right, but he ends up being the type of guy, like we talked about in the last episode, where he'll date you for 8 years but he's not in a hurry to get married. He loves you, yeah, but you're not the one for him. Like, if he wanted to, he would. There's a reason for that. It'll be quick. So, any man who doesn't prove that "if he wanted to, he would" to the woman he's with, he's settling.

Nicole: I see what you're saying. Okay, so that is how I think men settle, and I think they do that. I think it is pretty even. I think women settle for the reason that I said, and then I think men settle for the reason that I just said, because it's true. How many stories do you hear where women are like dating some guy, and she's like, all I wanted him to do was be romantic and show me he loved me, and then she finds out by lurking his Instagram or something that he's immediately in another relationship and he proposed to the woman within like a few months. If he wanted to, he would. He saw that woman as the perfect woman for him, even if she's not perfect, or that he couldn't find better, or he was happy with who she was and fully content, and that is a man not settling.

John: It could also be a mark of personal growth as well, though, because a person has figured out he grows into it. I think that would still not be settling, but I think if he went into a relationship and he was like, oh well, there's probably other people out there and genuinely was thinking about other women that he could be with, turning it around, I still think he'd be settling if he went in initially thinking that. Because it's kind of like, if your relationship is not very great when you first meet in the first few months, it's not going to get better. You might learn to tolerate each other, you might learn to suppress emotions and stuff, but it's not getting better.

Nicole: Yeah, I would agree, for the most part. I mean, I think maybe in some arranged marriages, they just learn to deal with the situation. I think you can learn to love, like familial love, well not in deep love because that's the "if he wanted to, he would." But ultimately, what it comes down to is that you're dealing with a human being, and true love is loving that person for exactly who they are, faults and everything. And if you don't do that, you are never going to really get it. You can put all these requirements of what a person needs to be and all these things, but at the end of the day, there's still going to be a human with flaws. And if you can't see through that stuff and love a person through that, then settling or not, it doesn't matter. But we're saying the same thing.

John: Yeah, we are. We're saying the same thing because a man who really loves a woman isn't thinking about other women. What is the thing that you've been set on for like months? It's that song, "When a Man Loves a Woman," she can do no wrong. That's what you just said, that flaws, whatever, you don't care, you love the person. And I agree with you. But a man who's thinking about another woman, or like there's probably better options out there, does not feel that way about the woman. He would not feel those things, and he's not going to say that to the woman he's with. I mean, if he does, then he's an asshole. But, well, and they do sometimes.

Nicole: Though it's not the person, it's you. It's like you have to learn how to love purely because, you know, it's not like, okay, if you're that guy, and you're thinking about other women, if you're not happy, you're thinking there's better options out there, and you get a better option, you're still going to be in the same boat because ultimately, you're still going to have to love that. So part of it is maybe that's not the right person for you, but also part of it is like you have to learn how to love unconditionally, how to do it. Because if you don't learn that part, no one is ever going to meet your standards. You're going to settle because the difference, I think, between settling and not settling doesn't have as much to do with the person that you settle or not settle with, but you and your ability to love unconditionally.

John: I agree with that 100%. The thing to add to that, though, and I want to say that nobody's responsible for anybody else's emotions or things like that, but especially with you and I, you made me want to be a better person without doing anything, without telling me, without forcing me. And I think that also goes into it, though, as well. Like, I think that if someone is good for you, you'll feel it in that way where you want to be better as well. Like, before you came along, I worked on myself. I wasn't perfect, but I worked on myself. Before I came along to you, you worked on yourself. And together, we've continued to work on ourselves and work on our relationship. So, I do think, though, you're right that you have to be in the right mindset, and you have to learn valuable lessons. But at the same time, I think for the right person, it'll be easier. It'll click, and it'll be more natural, like in that sense. But I get what you're saying, that if you're not elevated in your mindset and how you focus on relationships and things like that, it is easier to settle because you just don't even understand the concept fully.

Nicole: Yeah, but I mean, I feel like I've talked a lot. Is there anything else you want to add? Like, do you, how do you think it's split up as far as men and women? You still think women majority settle more than men?

John: I think so. I mean, I think going back real quick to what you said, like, I think it can also be the right timing in your life too, which is kind of what I said episode though because I personally don't believe in "right person, wrong time," yada yada. I think that no matter what the time is, if it's right, you'll figure it out. And I feel like we're a testament to that.

Nicole: That's true. I don't really believe in that. And again, I think it could be a whole episode because a lot of people are like, "right person, wrong time," and I'm like, you know, I get where people believe that. They use that too liberally, though. But if I think about my own personal development in life too, right, I mean, when I met you, I had no plans of getting into any kind of long-term relationship.

John: But that kind of goes against what I was saying, right? Because to play the devil's advocate, I was like, it doesn't matter what the timing of this is, this is the right person. So, that's if you wanted to, he would, right? So, that's where, yeah, because you were also enjoying what you were doing, right? You didn't have to give it up. But okay, but there is an element to timing in that, at that point in my life, I was going out, I was seeing lots of different women every week, and so I didn't feel like I needed to make a choice or to settle down, like, you know. So, I felt like I had options, and so when I met you, then I didn't want those, you know what I'm saying? You get why I'm saying that is because that means that you had a choice. Well, but had I not, it would have messed up the timing because I wouldn't have seen, you know, if I had dated all these women and then you're markedly different. It means something. If I hadn't and I just meet you, maybe I don't know how markedly different you are. I mean, I still obviously, you know, you would have known, yeah, I would, but I'm saying it did make more of a contrast because, and that's the thing, is like, when because when guys ask me, because guys ask me all the time, they're like, okay, Bulldog mindset, right? You're making all these videos and pickup and girls and all this stuff, and now you got married, you sold out, you're just, you know, you just fell for some girl, you just went over to the other side, you became soft, you became weak, you know. She's twisting you up, she's made you weak, she's made you soft, she's made you know all this stuff. Like, these all sound like sad, lonely little guys who don't have love in their life.

Nicole: But the argument I always tell guys when they come at me with that is I'm like, look, it's not like I wasn't out there, you know, doing my thing, right, with girls. So, I knew I wasn't in a desperate situation. Right, you weren't going to settle either. I had enough experience to know that I was not going to get into any kind of relationship with them, right, until I met you. And then, and then that so what I'm saying is that that contrast was so great, right, that I knew this was the right. But see, I think this proves my point more. Okay, because how many guys feel that way about the woman they're with? Not a lot.

John: Right, right. And I think every guy who doesn't feel that way, right, I'm not saying that they had to go date a bunch of women and to pick their wife, sure, but every guy who doesn't feel the way that you just said, that you had all the options and you chose the best option, right, they're settling, they're settling.

Nicole: You're right. See, so that's why it is a matter of timing as well, right? Because, well, as a man, right, in order to not settle, you must have options. A choice without options is not a choice at all.

John: Well, okay, you're saying timing in a different way. You're saying like, don't get married at 18. I agree, 'cause you haven't dated that many women, you don't know what's out there. I agree with that time, and you haven't built your ability to gain. I don't agree with the timing that they're like, I met the perfect person for me, but it wasn't the right time. That, I don't believe. That's the timing I'm talking about. But I agree with you that I don't think men or women should get married young because, like you said, you don't know what is all out there. You don't know what your options even are, right? You can't comprehend them 'cause you've been in high school, you've been in a school under parental control, yeah, you have no idea.

Nicole: Yeah, I'm not saying you need to spend all your 20s figuring it out, but, and you might be upset by this, but I think women need at least until 25 when their brain is fully developed to figure out, yeah, what they want. They understand their options because they're young, sure, men are going to be attracted to them, and they can decide what they want. And guys, I do agree, they should be a little bit older because they mature a lot slower.

John: Yeah, and a lot of guys, I understand, don't have all these options, so they don't fully understand their options. So, they should wait longer to settle down and not actually settle. But you know, to get married. But I do think that even women should understand that what it's like to be single and what it's like to be in a serious relationship and things like that, so that they don't settle.

Nicole: I agree. I agree. That doesn't mean from 20 to 25, part of your, you know, your ass off and sleep with a bunch of guys. That's not what that means. Experiencing life, figuring out who you are, figuring out what you want, right, like learning. But see, that's the thing that I feel like a lot of women don't understand, is that dating is teaching you things. Dating is teaching you what you like in a man and what you don't like, right, and you're interacting with another human being. I never understood why women are like, oh, I hate dating. Like, I get planning it and all that stuff, that part is can be exhausting, but going and going on a date with somebody that you're interested enough in to go on a date with and learning about another human being, yeah, and learning what you like and don't like, right, from the experience. What is so wrong about that?

John: Yeah, no, I agree. It's like women need to change their mindset, right? Because I think also that is what causes them to settle as well, too. They don't take dating seriously, and they don't find the golden little nuggets in every date that they go in, so that they're like, finally, like curating what they really want in a man to marry, right? And so then they get to however old you want to say, and they're like, crap, I want to get married now. I'm just going to do it. I don't care what the guy is like. I just need to do it. I want to have a family, so I need to, you know, get married by this age, and then they start planning it, and then they don't care as much, and then they treat the man with less respect, and they don't really like him as much. Then the man gets the naggy wife and things like that, and men should walk away from women that they feel like are just settling for them, and women should walk away from men who they feel like are just settling for them. Just like we said in the other one, women need to walk away if they're not being proposed to by a certain amount of time because you're probably being settled for.

John: Well, that's interesting because, okay, I tell guys, you know, that what it is, the two main things to look for in a woman: she treats you like a king, right, and she has a high desire for you, right? Those are the things.

John: The question I'm now a man kidding. I'm now a bulldog mindset member. That begs the question, what are the two things that a woman needs to look for in a guy, right? To know because the reason why a guy needs to look for those two things is so that he knows she's not settling for him, right?

Nicole: Right, because that is the indicator there. So, how does a woman know a guy is not settling for her? What is she looking for on the spot? I think it's the "if he wanted to, he would." So, he makes quick action, decisive action. It doesn't have to be specific things, but women know what that looks like. Women know what "if he wanted to, he would" is. It's okay. It's not just proposing to you, right? It's the romance, it's him trying to impress you, show you love in the way that you care about. He makes you feel loved for who you are. You know, he gives you the love at the level that you want. Does that make sense? So, like, I would say, if he wanted to, he would. He has to, if he wanted to, he would. You okay? Like, he has to show you that you are valuable to him.

John: Right, exactly. Yeah, maybe that's a better thing. He has to show you, you are valuable to him and his life.

Nicole: Okay, yeah, that might be number one. And like, one and done. But I guess if I had to pick two, I don't know. I think that might be like the main... What? No, we are turning. I mean, yes, but no. Like, we're not turning all of our episodes. He, he has to have a good relationship with Colonel Lingus. I forgot what I even just said. Thanks, John.

John: But you're welcome. Uh, he has to show you how much he loves you.

Nicole: Yeah, okay. 'Cause that's what a woman cares about. Like, he has to show you through his actions, through the romance. Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah. Okay. I was going to say, well, what if he's a loser? What if he, like, then he's not going to show her. If he doesn't have ambition, he doesn't have that, doesn't show her. Because a man, it's like, if he's a man, can take care of you and make you feel loved and all this stuff, even if you guys are 50/50, it's about his actions. It's about how he treats you. Like, I guess he should treat you like a princess. There we go. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, if you go with the King.

John: Yeah, he should treat you like a princess, right? And I think that encompasses enough. And I know that you added the desire on 'cause men are very, you know, the love, unconditional love type.

Nicole: Right, the unconditional love. So, like, he would love you if you're a worm. There we go. Exactly. That's why they say it. But if you, that's what, that was funny 'cause we were talking about that the other day. It's like, 'cause that's the question women ask, is, you know, would you love me if I was a worm? And now I have a clear answer, which is, shahul, I would ride you into the desert. You seen Dune? That is what he's talking about. I am a giant worm wants to ride through the desert. Thanks, honey. That makes me feel like a princess. But yeah, so I mean, I think we've covered a lot. But yeah, I guess the number one thing is that, you know, he treats you like a princess, like he shows you he loves you. And women know the difference. That's why women are always...

John: Talk about if he wanted to, he would. Yeah, they already know because you can tell when a man really loves you for you and when he's trying to use you. It's a little bit harder when you're first dating a man because you don't know him.

Nicole: Yeah, but as time goes on, you can tell a man who's just doing things just to be a nice guy and want something in exchange versus a man who loves you and who genuinely values you. Well, that's why women ask the dumb question of would you love me if I was a worm? It's because, like, no matter what happens, no matter what I look like, no matter what, are you in love with, right? Is it me, or is it the things that I can do, is it how I look? Especially 'cause every woman knows that men are very visual. So, she doesn't, she wants to be valuable to the man. Like, it doesn't have to be like she wants to teach you all these things, but she has to feel like you value her, right? Not just, she's just some arm candy or whatever. Like, that you could not live without her.

John: Right, and men need to realize that they want love. Like, I'm going to drive this point home because I feel like it also, men would treat women better.

Nicole: Yeah, and women need to treat men as well better because they need men in their own way. They want men. They act like they don't, but they do. And I think both people need to treat each other better and realize that they need the other person.

John: Yeah, and that that's okay. It's not bad. Like, it will give you a more fulfilling life to just accept that you want and need somebody, that you want and need love, and go out and find it rather than trying to act like you don't need anything.

Nicole: Right, exactly. I mean, even though I won't go fully into the other thing, even though I want to, but it makes sense. Yeah. I, yeah. But alright, I guess it's the "r" segment.

John: Oh yeah, for the week. So actually, this week, there's really not a lot. I mean, which, but there were some things that could have come up. I think that we both handled in really good ways, and so it diffused a situation before it became a situation. So we're learning.

Nicole: Yeah, I think we're learning. So see, we're not perfect either. But yeah, no, I think, I think yeah. Multiple times, there were situations I could have gone South, but we, we both handled it like, you know, I mean, I don't know, just like a few discussions we had, or you know, or even just, even just in the car ride this morning, right? Because, you know, I made you a nice bath last night, and you know, and lit some candles, and, you know, and then, and then I, you know, and then I said, oh, you know, I'll, you know, I made a for you, and then when I was downstairs, I told Sophia, I was like, oh yeah, let's, I forget exactly. I said, let's get, I got a, I made a bath for Nicole so she can get out of here so we can, you know, just hang out together, right? And, uh, and then this morning, I didn't even realize that you were upset by that.

Nicole: I mean, I wasn't like really upset, and I understood the context, but it felt like being dismissed in a nice way, so I couldn't have those emotions, if that makes sense. Not that I had like a lot of emotions, like I said, 'cause it was a nice thing for you to do. I know you did it 'cause you wanted to do it, not because of whatever my, because he wanted to, brain was saying. But in my mind, I was like, if he wanted to just spend time with Sophia, he should have just said that, rather than being like, "Oh, I made Nicole B so she could get the heck out of here, and we could have fun," or whatever that you said. So, it was just like that. And again, like I said in other episodes, what...

Nicole: You say to a woman really matters, and even if it's, "I knew you were joking, and that's why it really wasn't a big deal." I've just been in a weird mood lately, blame it on the eclipse or something, you know, Mercury's in Gatorade or whatever. But you stared into the sun. I told you not to stare into the eclipse. But yeah, so it was not my whole mood, but just part of it was like, "Dang, did he really make a nice bath to get me away?" Not that I knew that wasn't the case because I know you, and I know the context, but it's still like when he said it, I was still like, "Wait, is he doing something nice to just get me to leave?" And is that nicer than just being like, "Hey, can I have some alone time with my daughter?" You know? So that's where my brain was computing. So again, careful what you say to women because her brain is always computing, whereas guys are like, "I need sex, okay, pay for it." Don't actually do the other part, whereas the woman's like, "I need this to go here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, maybe there."

John: Yeah, maybe another way. But yeah, my point was that, you know, you brought it up, which was good, and then I handled it in a good way, right? I just said I didn't want to make you feel like that mysterious guy in the beginning. You can't escape a relationship with just all the good things because we would be the poster child for that, and we still make mistakes.

Nicole: Well, and that's the thing. Again, we start out this podcast called Better Than Perfect because we believe our relationship is not perfect; it's better than perfect. And what makes it better than perfect, and we discussed this a lot before we started this podcast, was the fact that you grow well, and you deal with the hard stuff, right? Which just makes you better.

John: Yeah, which makes you better, which makes you, if you had a perfect relationship that's textbook perfect, whatever perfect is, which doesn't exist.

Nicole: It doesn't.

John: You would have no growth in that. You would have to dig deep, you have to get the stuff out that are the things that you as a human being have to work on. And through the right relationship, it brings those things out, right? Which causes you to grow. When you're alone, you think, "Oh, I've figured it all out," and in some ways, you probably have healed all the things you can on your own, at least to some degree, not all of them, but a good amount where you're like, "Oh, I feel good. I'm doing good." And then you meet somebody else, and all these other things pop up. And it's always going to be stuff like that. I mean, life is dynamic like that too. It's not always great; it's also not always bad. But if you take a lot of the advice that we're giving, and you work on yourself, and you figure out what you want, and you go after it, and you face the hard path straight on rather than taking the easy path, that's going to make things harder down the road. You'll get the things that you want. You'll get the relationship that is easy and feels perfect, and you guys might argue, and it might feel hard, but you walk through the hard, and it gets better and better and better. But if you take the easy way, it just gets harder and harder because now you have more things to cover up, you have more things that you have to deal with. Yeah, you just got to face the music. Your external world will always be a reflection of your internal, so you change the internal, you change the external. You want to attract good things, you have to become good things. You have to do the work.

Nicole: That's true. All right, this is our... I need to check our iTunes reviews, guys. Let me see here, uh, Better Than Perfect podcast. Oh, my internet connection is not so good here. It was working before. Hold on. I'm glad we brought notepads to write absolutely nothing on.

John: And then you also forgot what you were going to say. You just scribbled on yours.

Nicole: Yeah, I did a scribble. Okay, I have it up. Oh, and look at that. "John and Nicole share refreshing insights on various topics, tackling taboo with a balanced perspective. They delve into the nuances of relationship and touch on how men and women seek similar things in different ways. Their discussion on counterintuitive approaches are super insightful and enriched by their diverse perspectives. Thank you, Rodrigo."

John: That was Rodrigo.

Nicole: That was Rodrigo. Rodrigo, yeah, free t-shirt for Rodrigo.

John: We don't have any t-shirts yet, but we'll do something. But nobody else, you guys got to step it up here if you want to get on the podcast and get a t-shirt.

Nicole: That's right. When we'll make t-shirts or something, figure it out. All right, well, we'll see you next time. Through every fault, we find our way.