John [00:00:00]: You can't have women in society change the way that you want them to and be more feminine if you don't do your share. And so they don't care how much money you have, necessarily. I know I'm going to get some flack for that. What they care about is that you're willing to share what you have, even if it's meager. Right. Because even if you're making a small amount of money. Right. But you're like, hey, yeah, we're going to live in a small house. I'm going to make sure that everything's taken care of and the bills are taken care of, and I'll give you what I have.

Nicole [00:00:27]: That's what preventing actually is that a woman cares about a set amount.

John [00:00:32]: Right. It's not a set amount. That's the thing. Perfect, we discover through our flaws. We complete each other. Better than perfect we stay through every fault. We find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we show you how two imperfect people helping each other equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:01:01]: Boom.

John [00:01:02]: There we go. And we're back this week. So, yeah, so this will be a bit of an interesting episode. I think we're thinking, like, what episode should we do this week? And it is my turn to pick one. But we actually ended up not publishing the episode from last week. So then I was like, we should do an episode about why we didn't do an episode last week. Sounds boring, but I promise you it's not. So. So the episode is gonna be. The topic will be when you screw up.

Nicole [00:01:38]: Cause everybody does.

John [00:01:39]: Yeah. So, yeah, so to kind of give the background. We came in to record last week, and we ended up ending the recording, and the episode was gonna be on the struggles of women, just like we did one on the struggles of men. And that was my topic. However, I have to take full responsibility in the fact that I was asking questions in a way that was not very kind and loving. And I didn't realize I was coming across that way, obviously, at the time, but when I look back and reflected on it, the way that I was kind of asking those questions, and, you know, my intent was to look for, you know, deeper. To dig deeper into what was. What was really the struggles. And I just came across like, you know, maybe like how I would interview a guy. And I think that's the thing, is I'm used to interviewing guys, used to doing podcasts and stuff. And I was like. And it is tough. I mean, it is tough. I think every week to come out here and to share. I mean, talk about sensitive topics and discuss them and also to share our own stuff and vulnerabilities. But I feel like we're not being totally transparent if we don't say, hey, yeah, from time to time, yeah, you're going to mess up. You're going to have struggles. And I think it's important to be honest and to be open. Open and not even, you know, we didn't have to let anyone know that we didn't publish an episode. But I think it's a good thing to talk about, so.

Nicole [00:03:23]: No, I agree. I agree. I think it's important. And even though there was a part of me that was like, I don't want to, like, talk about it, and we talked about that part where it's like, people assume they know you and everything about you from the few things. And we've never tried to act like we're perfect and we don't fight or we don't. Well, I don't even want to say fight because we don't yell at each other.

John [00:03:50]: Yeah, we don't. Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:03:51]: Like, call each other names. But that we don't struggle with things. Right. Like, there is definitely a lot of our relationship that's easy and loving and just having a good time, but there are the hard conversations that we have to have. And, you know, it's hard to be vulnerable to the Internet because they're going to be like, oh, well, why are these people giving advice? Because they're not even doing it right. You know what I mean? But that is the human experience. And you are. Right. Like, when we talked about it, like, it is the right thing to do to put that out there, because it just shows that we are actually putting in the work that we say we are. And, you know, we're going through challenges and getting out on the other side of things rather than allowing it to ruin our relationship. So you're right. It is better to be vulnerable, even though it's really hard.

John [00:04:46]: Yeah. Especially when people are already attacking you. You know what I mean? Like, every time we publish, I mean, not so much the big episodes, but the clips, for sure. It's like there's a lot of. And again, it's a very small percentage of the people, and I try to reiterate that, but it does. It's like people will come out there and attack you, and it's. I guess it's not even as bad when you're being attacked on stuff that's not so vulnerable. But, like, when you're out here discussing.

Nicole [00:05:14]: I hate to see the comments on these clips when we post it. But now, like, I'm glad you mentioned that because I do think, too, seeing a lot of the negativity on our videos, because I'm the one that kind of, like, monitors a lot of our stuff.

John [00:05:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:29]: Has really kind of put me back in that, like, angry girl mode. And I'm not trying to be. It's just kind of, like, triggered me, I guess, back into, like, how I was before, where it's, you know, constantly feeling, like, attacked by men or like you're not good enough or, like, all of these things. Like, now, you know, in the comments, they'll find the smallest thing and be like, break up with her. You know, she talks too much or something. And it's like, I know you would never do that, and I don't really care. Like, I know you're not going to.

John [00:06:01]: I can't break up with you. I break up with you.

Nicole [00:06:04]: Besides that, I'm like, I know you're not gonna listen to, like, Bob 57.

John [00:06:08]: But it is scary still. It's like someone's telling you to, like. To like, to leave your partner.

Nicole [00:06:15]: Well, more it's like, it makes me feel like I have to be defensive. And that is, like, a masculine thing.

John [00:06:21]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:21]: And so I feel like that's probably why a lot of people feel like I've been more masculine in some of the episodes. And two, it's also like, talking about the women's perspective of things can be frustrating. Just like, when men talk about how they can't even get a date, that's frustrating. So it's not me, like, being frustrated at, like, men currently, because I don't care how men act currently, I have the best man that there is. And I'm not just saying that. Like, I genuinely believe that. So, like, it's not like I'm mad at them because, like, I'm still out here looking for somebody, but I'm frustrated for women because I'm telling the story of what women really struggle with, you know, and maybe last week I didn't add in some of the things that were important. You're right about that. But, like, these are real things that women are frustrated by and upset by. And then it's like, men are misconstruing it as, like, I'm still projecting that or, like, projecting it on you when, you know, a lot of the stuff we talk about doesn't have anything necessarily to do with me and you.

John [00:07:23]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:24]: But we've Been through it at one point in our lives and are trying to help people through those situations.

John [00:07:30]: Yeah, yeah. Our situation, like, I guess one of the clips is, you know, we're talking about the 50 50. And it's like, our situation is, Nicole, you, you are a stay at home mom and I take care of everything financial. I'm the leader of the house. You're the feminine one, I'm the masculine one. You know, we have that order and we have that in place and.

Nicole [00:07:57]: Right.

John [00:07:57]: And it's how it's when we're happy with it, you know, it's not, you know, so.

Nicole [00:08:02]: Yeah.

John [00:08:02]: I think sometimes people maybe hear you talking in a clip and they're like, oh, she's taking charge and she's doing. And it's like, no, she's giving an opinion, which I highly value. And that's why I'm letting like, like, oh, you're just not saying anything. It's like, no. Like. And again, it's a clip, but it's like, no, I'm. I value your opinion.

Nicole [00:08:24]: You know you do and I know you do. And you show me that by how you lead our family and our household.

John [00:08:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:32]: So, like, I think too that sometimes maybe it's more insecure men who can't handle like a woman saying anything at all. And it's like. And I understand that at times I've been abrasive and so that comes across the wrong way. Like, I, I take responsibility for that. But like. And on the other side, I feel like from a woman's. Why they're resisting at times. Because we do get comments from women too, mostly on TikTok. They've never had a man that they trust to lead, and I've never had a man that I trust to lead until you. And I do really trust you and trust in you as a man and trust in your decisions.

John [00:09:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:10]: And. But I also can see where women hear me say that and they're like, where do these guys even exist anymore? And. And it's not the guys that are in the comments, you know, like, they. And women can read the comments and see that.

John [00:09:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:23]: But, you know, it's. It has been a lot. And like, it's not like the things that these people say, like, physically affect me. Like I said, like, I know you're not gonna break up with me, but it's like all the negativity. Yeah. The negativity is fine. And like trying to defend either side because a lot of times too, like, I can see a man's perspective.

John [00:09:45]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:46]: But a lot of what we talk about in our dynamic of a traditional relationship is that a lot of it is the man's responsibility.

John [00:09:53]: That's the thing.

Nicole [00:09:54]: And so, like, maybe people think that I'm like, crapping on guys and that.

John [00:10:01]: Direction of it being their man's responsibility came from me. You didn't think it was the man's responsibility when we first met.

Nicole [00:10:07]: For a lot of people, that's true.

John [00:10:08]: And I was like, no, no, the man is in charge. In charge, but responsible for these things. Like he's the one who's responsible for the health of the relationship.

Nicole [00:10:17]: Well, because I've seen how you have handled our relationship and how you've helped me by the way that you handle it and by you taking charge and by trusting you somehow.

John [00:10:28]: Some video or something is playing in my phone or maybe your phone on my pocket. Okay. Oh, yeah. And speaking of clips, one of the.

Nicole [00:10:36]: Clips, our own episode.

John [00:10:37]: There we go.

Nicole [00:10:39]: I'm like, where was I? No, by the way that you've handled things, you've helped heal me and the things that are still my personal responsibility to work through, you've helped me by being somebody that I can turn to and trust and rely on. And I guess too, that that's what women don't. This is not gonna turn into a woman's thing, but that's what a lot of women don't feel like they have. It's like a guy that they've ever really felt like they can rely on. There's plenty of comments too, of women who are like, I'm sending this to my husband, or like my husband treats me this way. So they're in something that they still don't feel like they can rely on the man that they chose to marry. And so we're just trying to help people have a better dynamic where you do what you do best.

John [00:11:28]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:28]: And I do what I do best.

John [00:11:30]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:11:31]: And then that allows us to be free to be those things and not have to stress about something that isn't even necessarily our lane, you know what I mean? As men and women.

John [00:11:42]: And it's hard to do that as a man, even when you know it. Right. There's a lot of guys that don't even realize that that is the important thing, their responsibility. But again, I'll. I'll talk about my own mess ups and where, you know, where I've been wrong or messed up, but pretty much this whole week I've been doing the opposite of what I preach. Not because I want to be a hypocrite but because I just was screwing up. I was letting fears, emotions get the best of me, to be honest. Like, if I'm being completely honest and I was not coming across in a very loving way this whole week. And that's, you know, But I know what I'm supposed to be doing. So it's. Even when you know what you're supposed to be doing, sometimes you can mess it up as a man. And, you know, I did a video on my YouTube channel, and I was talking about how it's like every word that you say goes deep into the heart of a woman that you're with. And, you know, it's. Those are very important things for men to understand. So part of the reason why I do this episode, too, is because I wanted to talk about that and say, look, hey, I messed up, but that's okay because I know what to fix and I'm working in progress. And you trust me to lead knowing that sometimes I'm gonna fall on my face. And that'll happen from time to time, but it is still, like, a man's responsibility. He needs to be the lead. It's like, I think what I was trying to do a lot this week even was, again, the opposite of what I've been saying is kind of blame you for things when I should be taking the full responsibility, even for your actions or behavior, because it's so influenced by how I'm coming across as a man. Because women are reactive. Women are responsible.

Nicole [00:13:44]: When you are the leader, that is how it's gonna be. That is what being the leader encompasses. If you're leading and acting a certain way, the people who are following you are going to act a certain way. Like, that's how it is. So, like, if you're coming at a more defensive way, then that's probably what you're going to get. And two, we've watched a few videos from this one tiktoker guy. I don't know his handle to put in here, but he said that masculinity is made and femininity is protected. Isn't that what you said?

John [00:14:17]: Yeah, preserved. Or preserved, whatever. Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:20]: And so, like, when you come at a woman in a more masculine way, which is, you know, more defensive, you're gonna. You're not protecting her, Right?

John [00:14:30]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:14:31]: You're fighting her.

John [00:14:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:33]: So, you know, it's. That is part of the leader sort of thing. And even though you might have messed up, and I definitely didn't do everything right, like I mentioned some of the things earlier that I think the key is that you don't give up, because plenty of people mess up. And then they're like, well, the relationship's messed up anyway, so I'm just gonna do what I wanna do, and that's gonna end up actually messing up your relationship. But, you know, there are gonna be plenty of times where we make mistakes. But the difference is that we work through those things. Like, we don't just give up. We're like, okay, we made a mistake. We're human beings. But you and I both know that we actively work towards fixing any sort of bump in the road that our relationship has ever encountered. So, like, there's never been a time where I'm like, maybe this was a wrong idea. Never. Because I already know who you are. And a lot of times you're like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I'm like, don't be sorry. Like, I've already forgiven you for the things, because I genuinely have. Because I know who you are as a man and I know that you listen to what I have to say and, like, you know what we've discussed and that you will actually do what you say you're gonna do. And that's part of being a man and being a leader, too, is doing what you say you're gonna do. And you do do that.

John [00:15:54]: Yeah. Well, I appreciate that. Yeah. It is hard sometimes. Like, you know, it is hard. It is. Cause it is. You know, it's a lot to be able to.

Nicole [00:16:04]: Relationships are hard. Even if you have the best relationship that you've ever had, which I feel like you and I have. Yeah. Things are still gonna happen.

John [00:16:13]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:16:13]: So I think you did the right thing by picking this because people need to see that side.

John [00:16:20]: Yeah. Neither of us wanted to come in here today and talk about. Because you don't want to talk about that. But that's also the purpose. When we originally visioned this podcast, that's why we called it Better than perfect.

Nicole [00:16:31]: Right.

John [00:16:32]: Because we never tried to act like.

Nicole [00:16:35]: We never mess up.

John [00:16:36]: And that makes it actually better. Because perfect is something that can be destroyed.

Nicole [00:16:41]: Right.

John [00:16:42]: You can break something that's perfect.

Nicole [00:16:44]: Well, and it's easy to break it. Right. Because one little mistake means it's done.

John [00:16:47]: It's not perfect anymore. Yeah. Right. But better than perfect is where something's refined over time. It's anti. Fragile. The more that there's. You fix the things like it's good. It's like you're purifying like gold in the. In the fire as you melt the gold down and refine it and get all the impurities off of it. That's what you're doing sometimes when you're going through the crucible.

Nicole [00:17:13]: I love your metaphors in every episode. It's just some sort of metaphor in there. We need to do a collection of.

John [00:17:21]: Clips of your metaphor.

Nicole [00:17:22]: Metaphors.

John [00:17:22]: Yeah. But it's true. That process of. Because how do you. And that's the other thing I think that's so valuable, too. We didn't really talk about it in the first episode on why I get married as a man. And the real value, or one of the real values is that no matter how much personal development you do as a person, and it's not just a man, but just as a person. But for men to listen, you can never reach the height of your personal development until you're in a relationship with someone else. Like a really intimate relationship.

Nicole [00:17:59]: Because I would even say someone that helps you through those. Because plenty of people are in relationships that they don't feel like they can even grow because someone's kind of dragging them back down. You know what I mean? Like, with negativity or whatever. But I feel like when you really have a supportive partner like you and I have, you can reach levels, like you said, that you never would have been able to reach on your own. Because when you're on your own, you think you have it all figured out. And to some degree, you do, because you're not interacting with another human being to the level that you are when you're married or living with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

John [00:18:35]: Yeah. So it's like you always just say, it's like, I wouldn't deal with this kind of person. It's like when you're single, when you're by yourself, you can just close the doors. You just be like, I don't want to deal with that. It's like you're disrupting my peace. I'm a peaceful person.

Nicole [00:18:46]: Right.

John [00:18:47]: So many times I thought I got it all figured out. You know what I mean? I was like, I've worked on myself a lot. And then all of these things that I had issues that I needed to face, that I hadn't faced. Cause I didn't need to face them because I can operate just fine. I was fine. But they come up. And then I realized, oh, yeah, you think that you're loving all the time. Well, yeah, that's easy. You can be loving all the time when you're not deeply connected to someone. And the things that they do cut you deep to the Core. Because when you feel that, are you still loving all the time?

Nicole [00:19:22]: Or they hit the trigger, or they hit something that you buried down and didn't actually fully process and let go.

John [00:19:29]: Right. But it's a good thing. It's a good thing. It's a benefit to a man, cleaning.

Nicole [00:19:35]: Everything out of there, because you do.

John [00:19:37]: Reach a better level of. Of self actualization and development through that. So. But that's why it's, you know, two people helping each other become one, you.

Nicole [00:19:47]: Know, better than perfect.

John [00:19:49]: Exactly. But.

Nicole [00:19:50]: But that's true. And it's been. It's been a hard week.

John [00:19:54]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:54]: It's phenomenal. But I feel better. You feel better?

John [00:19:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:59]: I feel like we're in a better place. And that's all that really matters, is that we didn't allow that week to make us worse.

John [00:20:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:07]: Or diminish our relationship. We're using it to make our relationship even better than it already was.

John [00:20:12]: Exactly. Every time, come back with a new version, that's a improvement.

Nicole [00:20:19]: Right.

John [00:20:19]: You know what I mean? So.

Nicole [00:20:20]: But that's the key.

John [00:20:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:23]: That's what we're trying to help people do, you know, and like you said, that's why this episode is so important, because I'm sure other people, too, even though they don't have a whole podcast with their partner.

John [00:20:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:34]: Like, might get in a fight or have an argument or disagreement. And, you know, maybe some of their friends are around and then now they feel like their friends are like, oh, yeah, how is their relationship? And, you know, it's like, that doesn't have to define you unless you allow it. Like, that doesn't have to define your relationship unless you just give up on working through the stuff and it's a reality. Like, I don't believe anybody, especially being with you, I don't believe anybody who says they don't have any sort of arguments at all.

John [00:21:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:05]: And to be honest, even if someone says that, I wouldn't think their relationship was as deep or as fulfilling or rich as our relationship, because, like you said, we've used all these instances that we've encountered to grow together and as individuals, too. So, like, it's just normal. It, like, feels shameful. And I guess because people, like, make people feel shameful for it or be like, your relationship isn't actually as good as you think it is. I'm sure we'll get some comments like that. But when you know, though, what your relationship is, and you know that one, people aren't ever going to fully understand. But you know what it is. And two, by being vulnerable, you're allowing the people who go through similar things to feel heard and accepted and, like, it's normal. And I think especially with, like, social media and things like that, people don't feel normal. I mean, I feel like it is kind of swinging the other way with people posting more normal kind of content. But a lot of the, like, couple stuff or, like, you know, people you see together, sometimes it does feel, like, perfectly polished.

John [00:22:15]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:16]: And then you look at your own relationship and you're like, oh, this doesn't feel like that. Or it doesn't look like that. But there are things that those people who are even perfectly polished are going through. They're just not showing you. But I agree with that. We do need to show people the hard stuff, too, so that they know that we're not that much different from them.

John [00:22:37]: Well, and also, I think, you know, sometimes a podcast like this could be discouraging instead of encouraging because people could be listening to it, implementing what we say, and then having some kind of issue, having an argument or a fight, and then they're like, I'm screwing it up or it doesn't work or I can't. I guess I just don't have it in me.

Nicole [00:22:57]: Right.

John [00:22:57]: And that's not true. It's a work in progress. It's an always moving, like, the things that we're saying aren't going to make it so that all of a sudden you're going to implement them perfectly. And even if you did, you're still human. You're still going to make a mistake. You're still dealing with another human who's going to make mistakes. And so I think it's important to. To show that so that you don't feel so bad. Like, hey, everybody is gonna have issues and have things that they need to work out, but the important thing is that you do work them out. And I think that's the other thing maybe that's worth discussing in this is, like, how to work them out. Which, again, probably this week wasn't the best example of it on my part because I was not working it out in a loving way. But I can tell you as a man, what you should be doing is always checking yourself to say, whatever I'm doing right now, whatever I'm saying right now, is it coming across in a loving way? Does my woman. I'll use that term to catch all.

Nicole [00:24:00]: Does my woman.

John [00:24:02]: Wife, girlfriend, you know, whatever it is.

Nicole [00:24:05]: Lady friend.

John [00:24:06]: Lady friend, yeah. See, for the older gentlemen. All right. Does she feel loved Right now. And more importantly. Well, there's a book that we're gonna. I'm hesitant to recommend it. Cause we haven't read it yet. But there was some good stuff in that. We'll probably do a whole episode on it called Love and Respect. And kind of the premise of the book is that women want unconditional love, men want unconditional respect. And so it's like, as a man, I can say when you're in a discussion argument, whatever it is, even if it escalates to fight level, you have to think about whatever I'm saying. Is it coming across in a way like, does my woman feel. I don't know what. Feel like I'm showing her unconditional love? Because I can say, hey, I have an issue with this. I can say, hey, this hurt my feelings. I could say, hey, I'd like you to not do this, or I'd like you to do this or change this. But I can say all those things in a way that is a loving way, or I can say them in an abrasive way, or like a defensive way, or, you know, So I think that's the thing that is very important as a man to remember, which I'm.

Nicole [00:25:22]: Sure is hard for men, because a lot of women don't come at conflict or arguments in a respectful way.

John [00:25:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:25:32]: So I think women need to come in a vulnerable position rather than in a fighting position. But at the same time, I think if she's given unconditional love, it's easier to be vulnerable because you feel protected rather than being defensive. But I also understand men's side, where a lot of times women aren't respectful in a conflict, which I think that women should be. They should be vulnerable rather than defensive.

John [00:26:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:01]: But I think a lot of, like, what women have learned is that they have to be tough and they have to protect themselves. And so that's kind of become their natural response.

John [00:26:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:12]: You know, but really being vulnerable is a better way to go about it anyway. Like, I feel like women have been told that that's like a weak thing. Or, you know, like men being, like, women stop being so needy. And all these other things have made women kind of shift from being vulnerable and needy to, like, now they can do it on their own. So what you said is 100% true, that men need to watch their words. I mean, even a lot of these comments, like, women are reading these things. And when you say something like, oh, well, you just want to be, like, lazy. Like, now you're pushing women to Work even harder and further be further away from the feminine, soft woman that you want.

John [00:26:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:57]: So, like, I would even recommend men, even if they're upset with women in some way or another, to practice being more loving. And I'm not saying, like, going out of your way and like, giving love to a woman who doesn't deserve it, but I'm just saying that, like, watching your words.

John [00:27:12]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:13]: Because you're actually perpetuating the thing because women are hearing what you're saying, and even though she might not necessarily care specifically what you're saying, she's still reading it, internalizing it, and being like, okay, men don't want this and pushing her further towards this state that you say a lot of men don't want, and a lot of men say that they don't want, but it's being encouraged through other ways than they think that it's happening.

John [00:27:41]: Yeah. And I think the important thing to know about it as a man is that women are responders. Like I talked about, a woman's a mirror. She reflects back to you what you're giving her. She's a garden. The fruit you get is the seeds you plant. And how that applies is that most women will respond to a man showing unconditional love, and they will start to change the way that they come at him. And so it's like if you're a man, and there's a really good book that kind of talks about this called the masculine relationship by G.S. youngblood. I've talked about it before in the podcast, but really good book. But if you're a man and you have a woman that is nagging you, controlling you, being disrespectful to you, coming at you with a lot of these things, you can try and change her, and you can try and tell her why all those things are wrong, and she may listen to you in words, but you're probably not gonna get her in heart because she's still responding from. Those things are coming from somewhere. They're not something that she wants to necessarily do. They're coming from somewhere. And instead of going that route, if you go the route of saying, I'm just gonna try and practice unconditional love, like, I understand that these things, like, they do need to change at some point, but going to put that on hold for a little bit, not worry about what she's doing, and I'm just going to show up as a man giving her unconditional love and acceptance, and then watch how the flower blooms. That's the thing that if you could get one thing from this podcast. As a man, that's the most important thing. Because if you understand that, you will see what power you have to lead. Even when she's not letting you lead, because she's still following you, even when she says she's not, because it is still your lead in the way that you're doing it. Because men are the initiators. Men initiate the initial relationship. They go up to the woman and talk to her. Men initiate sex. Men initiate all of these things for the most part. Not to say that there's never exceptions, but I'm saying in general, your role as a man is to set the example, to create the way not. And maybe some women are successful at turning a man around by showing him a lot of respect and doing all these things and not controlling him and whatnot. But it's a much harder battle.

Nicole [00:30:14]: It is. Because you have to be a man worth respecting. And we talked a little bit about that here and there this week that you realized that a lot of these men aren't being men that are worthy of respect.

John [00:30:29]: Right, Right.

Nicole [00:30:31]: So, like, it is harder for a man because you're telling men just unconditionally love this person. Which is a little bit easier than getting respect if you don't have the qualities that require, you know, like, that will get you the respect as easily. Right. Like, because, you know, some men don't have respectful qualities. I'm not saying at all they don't know any.

John [00:30:54]: No. But.

Nicole [00:30:54]: But I'm saying that like. Like we've talked about before, that a woman can't really influence a man that much. And for a man to change certain things, in order for him to get more respect, he has to initiate that within him. In. Within himself.

John [00:31:10]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:11]: Rather than a woman, you know, because if a woman just respects a guy and maybe he's, you know, not very good with money or something like that, and she respects him anyway, he might feel like he doesn't need to improve that aspect of his. Unless I'm wrong. Unless there's a way that a woman could handle that, to get him to improve. But I'm just, like, using that as an example.

John [00:31:36]: I think there's a little bit of it, that if a woman starts to not control a man, to give him trust and let him fail in some areas, that he's more likely to take up the responsibility. But I think that's more in the case of, let's say that people have been together for a while, they're married originally, the woman saw this man as a respectable man and someone she trusted. And then somehow she started trying to control everything because she's trying to protect herself. And then he's just given up. He's like, well, I'm like, you know what I mean? And so he doesn't have the confidence in himself. And so I think in that situation, if a woman starts to say, back off and say, let me just let this man make his mistakes and just show him I trust him even if he's making mistakes, I think then a guy could turn around in those cases.

Nicole [00:32:24]: I think in that certain situation, it could be fixed, like you said, because it obviously had to have respect from the beginning.

John [00:32:34]: Because I think some women that are watching this sometimes, I'm always thinking about men because I think men need to be leaders and stepping up. But if you're a woman in a situation in your relationship and you're watching this podcast and you're like, my husband doesn't watch this, what can I do? I would say to start giving him, like, giving him the respect that he doesn't even deserve yet and see how he responds.

Nicole [00:32:55]: And look, even if he's not giving her the unconditional love and making her.

John [00:32:59]: Feel protected, I think that, again, like I said, ideally, the man would be the leader and doing that first. But I do think that a lot of men, if they saw their wives, saw their, you know, lady friend, you know, being like that to them, that it would soften their heart and they would start to start to care more.

Nicole [00:33:24]: You know, I understand, because we kind of get.

John [00:33:26]: Because people get in a standstill. They're like. They lock horns and they're like, well, you know, I'm not, like, I'm not getting the respect I want, so I'm not going to give the love, and I'm not getting the love, so I'm not give the respect. And it's like, if one person yields.

Nicole [00:33:38]: Put women, though, in a more way more vulnerable situation. And if, like, men want women to be feminine, it is a very vulnerable and delicate place to be. Like, I told you, like, a feminine woman is like a flower.

John [00:33:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:54]: And when you come at her in this defensive way, it's like you're drowning the flower with water. It's like you're just dumping it on there rather than, like, gently pouring the water pail, you know?

John [00:34:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:06]: And so, like, you can damage the flower a lot more easily.

John [00:34:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:10]: With those sort of ways. So, I mean, I would even say, I. I think your advice is correct, that she needs to try that and kind of like what you've recommended with men is like maybe she needs to try that for a few months and if something doesn't change, she can have a conversation or something.

John [00:34:26]: Or maybe you're done at that point. You know, honestly like if either position, if you're a man or a woman, you know, and you're really doing that, you're really suspending your own needs and unconditionally loving as a man or unconditionally respecting as a woman and your partner is not responding to that after three months, maybe it's not the relationship for you to be in because maybe things are never going to change.

Nicole [00:34:48]: But what if they're married?

John [00:34:50]: I mean even then maybe it's, you know, I mean as much as divorce is probably the worst thing a person could go through in their life, you know, you gotta what's gonna happen? How are things gonna change if that doesn't happen?

Nicole [00:35:03]: It takes two people. It really does take two people. And so yeah, it is hard, especially if you kind of forego yourself. Like for women it's like forgo that protection and just give something and be super vulnerable. And for men it's, you know, giving love even though you don't feel respected.

John [00:35:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:23]: That if nothing changes then that is a big problem. And maybe you can try to have one more conversation. But I agree with you that it nothing can ever work like that one sided. Like it is more likely that a man can try to like turn things around with a woman. And maybe it might happen woman to man, but it's just less likely for a woman to persuade a man to act differently.

John [00:35:48]: But you got to think about it too. It's like if a woman's in that situation, the man's not being a respectable man, he's not a masculine man, she can't trust him. You know, she feels like she does have to control him because she has to treat him like a child. Again. It's not true that she's. But she feels that way, right? And then she lets go of all that stuff and puts her trust in him and he doesn't respond at all. What, what other situation, what other solution does she have that's that. I mean that's, you know, it's the same thing. I could flip it and say for a man too. It's like if, you know, like you're either going to just live your life without your needs being met or you're gonna have to take a drastic. But the only reason why I would even give that advice is because I know that 99% of people listening to that have not actually tried that for three months. Cause it's really hard to do. Yeah, it's hard to do for a day or a week. You know what I mean? Like, to put. To suspend your needs and just to.

Nicole [00:36:41]: Be, you know, focused on someone that you feel like doesn't necessarily care as much as you do. Yeah, that's hard.

John [00:36:48]: But just about anyone will respond to that.

Nicole [00:36:52]: Yeah.

John [00:36:53]: I truly believe it. But I do believe that, again, like I said, the thing we talk about on this podcast all the time is that it is the man's responsibility for the relationship. And if you're a man watching this, you shouldn't be like, whoa, maybe my wife should try this for three months. You should be the one that's doing it because you're the leader. And part of it, too, is it's like, I think a lot of men are afraid of, like, well, I'll just be a nice guy and a pushover and. And all that. And that's not what I'm saying at all, ever.

Nicole [00:37:20]: Right.

John [00:37:20]: Right. It's like, even you can say no, but you can say it in a loving way. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you can make your own decisions and make judgment calls and not allow yourself to be disrespected, but you can do it in a loving way. Even if you're in a discussion and. And you know, your wife or girlfriend or lady friend is. Says something not good out of pocket, says something very disrespectful to you, calls your name or something like that, you can say, look, I love you dearly. Love you. However, I'm not gonna be talked to that way. And so I'm gonna leave. You know, you can cool down. And when you're ready to talk to me and have a loving conversation, I'm here. And I. Whatever I can do to help you and support you and love you, I'm happy to do you know what I mean? Like, that's a real. It's. I'm saying that easily now, but it's a hard thing to say in an.

Nicole [00:38:12]: Actual conversation, but you need to remember why you married that person.

John [00:38:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:16]: I feel like a lot of people, men and women, forget those things, and especially in, like, a disagreement or an argument, and then they, like, treat the person like they don't love them and they don't have all these, you know, things that they like about this person. Like, you married this person or you're dating this person for a reason.

John [00:38:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:36]: And in tough situations, you almost need to remember those more to help you stay connected. And so like, when I hear like women being so upset with their husbands or men so upset with their wives, it's like, I understand what you're saying. And you should be able to talk about the things that are bothering you, but you also should remember why you're with this person.

John [00:39:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:01]: Because it should be enough.

John [00:39:04]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:04]: To help you stay connected and work through the things. To have an improved relationship rather than like just allowing it to destroy you guys.

John [00:39:13]: Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. I think it's, it's easy to like dismiss that and, and not think about it.

Nicole [00:39:21]: Kind of cut it all off and focus about the problem or be like, we're having this problem, so maybe we aren't what we thought we were. You know what I mean? But it's like you're throwing everything away.

John [00:39:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:34]: And I think if you really felt that way, you probably would have broke up a long time ago rather than be dating for as long as you are or gotten married, you know? So I think that also helps men give the unconditional love and it also helps women respect the man unconditionally as well too. Because the respect comes from love too. Like, it all comes from love.

John [00:39:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:58]: So if you try to stay grounded in that, then it's easier to do those things for each other as well too. And I think that when a man does come at a woman with more love, it's easier for her to be vulnerable and it's easier for her to empathize with what you're about to tell her too. Because it's almost like, you know, a little injured baby animal.

John [00:40:23]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:24]: You know, like she's not going to be like, screw you and like kick it. Like she's gonna be like, oh, like, I don't wanna hurt you. Like her natural feminine side, even if she's not as feminine as she would like to be or should be.

John [00:40:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:37]: Will come out in that instance of vulnerability. Right. Like I'm reading this book, it's not like a self help book or anything, but in the book, this guy comes into this realtor's office and she's like stone cold to him. She's like, absolutely not. And he's like, well, I'm looking for my father, I've never known him. And then she like softens. He's like, can visibly see her face soften. And then she tries to help him. So it's just like. And he didn't say anything besides something vulnerable. Right, Exactly. So it's like, every woman has that within them. Even if they have the coldest exterior, like, they do care about the vulnerability and they want to be vulnerable. But a lot of times women just don't feel like they can be. It doesn't feel safe. Safe.

John [00:41:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:23]: And that's why that, like, motto of masculinity is made and femininity is protected or, you know, preserved is so important because that is important for the feminine side. And it's important for men to realize that they do have to work on the things to be more manly and masculine.

John [00:41:43]: Yeah. Yeah. And it's weird because I think there's this dynamic, too, that's kind of related to, like, what you said, is that everyone really wants to be accepted for who they are. So if they feel like them changing is a condition of them getting love or respect, they're resistant to it.

Nicole [00:42:01]: Right.

John [00:42:01]: But when they feel like they're getting that and then the person's expressing what they would like, then they're not resistant to it. Because it's almost like you get into a position in your mind where you're like, well, if I change myself, then I'm not being myself. And now I'm. Now the love isn't real.

Nicole [00:42:20]: Right.

John [00:42:20]: You know what I mean? It's like, I'm not love for just who I am. I have to do this or change this thing. And I think that's the trap that it's like, you get into. And so if you recognize that and realize, hey, that's what's going on here, then you can realize that you're definitely not going to change someone if you're requiring them to change in order to love, for them to feel accepted or loved. And that's where you get into that kind of standstill, but.

Nicole [00:42:47]: Right.

John [00:42:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:50]: Well, I feel like we did pretty good.

John [00:42:52]: I think so. Yeah. Thanks. I don't. I don't think so.

Nicole [00:42:54]: We don't really have any, like, thing for this week since we already kind of finished our tea.

John [00:42:59]: Yeah. That is the thing for this week. There was something else I was going to say. Oh, I know what I was going to say. This is kind of just a side. A side trailer, because I was gonna address kind of the men that get upset about the podcast, and maybe this will become a clip, some part of this. But the thing is this, I think it's really important to understand. Cause I was telling you about this the other day when we were cooking dinner is. It's like a lot of these guys don't realize that we are their greatest Ally. Because they don't like feminism and they don't like the way that women are acting today in Western society. That whole. You've heard the whole thing. Right. And so what we're talking about on this podcast and give an example of is a traditional relationship where a woman respects the man, submits to his authority and leadership in the house, and the man loves and provides and takes care of and takes care of the financial and, you know, the responsibility. And that's like. And so it's.

Nicole [00:44:00]: Well, I would even say the new traditional. Right, right.

John [00:44:02]: The new traditional.

Nicole [00:44:04]: It's like a new traditional because it's not a force like modern traditional. Because there was some dynamics of the traditional back then that weren't obviously the most ideal. But this is. This is like a. A true love traditional. Right. Like the way that everyone can thrive traditional.

John [00:44:21]: And I'll say that the difference between that is that a woman willingly chooses to submit to the man versus because.

Nicole [00:44:29]: Of who he is as a man.

John [00:44:30]: Vers old traditional was.

Nicole [00:44:32]: He was just a man.

John [00:44:34]: He's got a job. He got a job. Yeah, exactly like, I want to survive different genitals.

Nicole [00:44:40]: That's the only reason.

John [00:44:42]: And that's. Yeah, exactly like, he's got the job she needs, you know, so. So I think that's. That's the thing about it. But. But the reason why I think it's so important for these guys to understand is that, like, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Because women that watch this podcast. Yeah. Some women have a lot of resistance to some of the stuff.

Nicole [00:44:59]: I mean, sometimes I was that woman.

John [00:45:00]: And.

Nicole [00:45:00]: Yeah. You know, and some. That's. That's, I guess where I'm like, we haven't really done an episode on that. I mean, I guess people can tell because sometimes I get triggered and in my masculine. But, you know, I was never, like, I still was feminine at times, but, like, I was that woman.

John [00:45:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:45:17]: I was not super feminist, but very much a woman's woman. And like, we can do it and we don't need a man. Especially how a lot of these men are acting these days. We don't need those sweets sort of men.

John [00:45:29]: Right.

Nicole [00:45:29]: But then when I met you, I. You didn't even say any of this stuff about masculinity. It just the balance fell into the natural balance of it, the natural yin and yang like we talked about. And I realized that this is a lot more peaceful and it felt a lot more. Right.

John [00:45:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:45:50]: So I just wanted to add in there.

John [00:45:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:52]: Like, I've been that Like, I've been both sides and, like, maybe we need to do a whole episode on that because it's important, like, I'm not coming on here, that I've always just followed every man's lead until John. And it's like. Like, I. I was the women, to some extent, that these men are complaining about. And I know how these women got there, because I know how I got there.

John [00:46:17]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:17]: And then I've also seen, though, how I got here, and it was a natural thing. Like, it naturally happened. You weren't like, on our first date, like, let me tell you about masculinity and femininity and come. Come to our side of traditionalness. Like, that wasn't how it happened at all exactly. It just naturally fell into that, and it felt the most natural and normal, and it still is the best relationship I've ever had, so. And I do feel like women are kind of leaning more towards their femininity. I do want more of what we're talking about, and it's just going to take a little bit for the men to get there and figure some of this stuff out.

John [00:46:53]: But you guys, especially the ones that are hating the most, you should be sharing the clips, sharing the episodes, getting women to watch it, because what you're actually trying to do, we're on the same side of you in those terms of what you actually want to produce in society. It will come from the. It's not gonna come from what you're doing. It's not gonna come from the way you're doing it. It's gonna come from this. And the other part of it, though, is because it's not just like, you can't have the feminine woman who submits to her husband and respects him and follows his lead. If you're not the man who takes care of everything, financially, physically, emotionally, takes responsibility for a relationship and all of those things, because that's what comes with it. That's why you're a king. You're not just. You don't just put on the crown because you have balls. You know what I mean? Like, that's like. And it's not just because I hear the argument all the time on a certain podcast. The guys are friends of mine, so I'm not trying to throw shade here, but I got to say what I got to say, because it's honest, which is that they constantly use this argument of, well, if there's someone burglar comes in the middle of the night, who's gonna get up and investigate it? It's like, is it gonna be a woman? No. Okay, so what does a woman do.

Nicole [00:48:14]: When she's single and something goes bump in the night?

John [00:48:17]: I guess she just gets killed. I don't know. But, like, But. But the problem with that argument, I don't know, is, is that. That if that's all you're good for as a man, if your only argument for the reason why you should have authority in a relationship and be crowned the king and a woman should listen to you and respect you is because you can protect her, in the rare instance that someone breaks into your house, which you can get an alarm system, you can get a Doberman pincher, right? If you think that that's enough to qualify you to be the leader, to have authority, to be the king, to wear a crown, you're mistaken. It just doesn't make any sense. Not today.

Nicole [00:48:55]: I mean, I just don't understand what it really takes.

John [00:48:58]: And women can do what a man can do. They can today, it's true. They can get jobs, they can make money, they can change their own tires, they can get a gun and shoot a burglar in the head. Okay, but they don't want to. They would rather have a man take.

Nicole [00:49:14]: Care of those things.

John [00:49:15]: But what you provide as a man is being a masculine man that takes care of her, that treats her like, again, what do we say? Masculine is created, feminine is preserved or protected. That's the thing. So you can't have that other side. You can't have women in society change the way that you want them to and be more feminine and embrace these values.

Nicole [00:49:41]: Maybe they're just taking the protected part literally and not encompassing the emotional side, the emotional protection.

John [00:49:46]: But you can't have that if you don't do your share. And it's not about, oh, women just want money and all that stuff. I hear it all the time. But what women want to know, they don't care how much money you have, necessarily. I know I'm gonna get some flack for that. I get it. Like, you should make some amount of money and be successful and able to take care of a house. But what they care about is that you're willing to give what you have. You're willing to share what you have. You're willing to. Even if it's meager, because even if you're making a small amount of money, right? But you're like, hey, yeah, we're going to live in a small house, but I'm going to make sure you don't have to work, baby. And I'm going to make sure that everything's taken care of and the bills are taken care of and I'll give you what I have.

Nicole [00:50:27]: That's what providing actually is, that a woman cares about a set amount.

John [00:50:32]: Right. It's not a set amount. That's the thing.

Nicole [00:50:33]: Providing what you have to her.

John [00:50:35]: Right. And it's not. What did the person say, like a sponsorship or something like that, you know, whatever.

Nicole [00:50:44]: Yeah. It's not independent.

John [00:50:45]: It's not. I'm not saying that there's no gold diggers out there, but I'm just saying that if you really understand why women want that, it's not because of the money. It's because they want to see that a man, they're naturally attracted instinctually, sexually, all of the above, to a man that is willing to give what his resources biologically. If you look at evolutionary biology and I've read a ton of books on this, that's what it is, right? Look at. Read the book the Evolution of Desire if you want a good one on evolutionary biology that talks about this exact subject. And the studies show that women want to see that a man will provide his resources. It's not about the amount. It's that obviously one with amount has a higher status. But the main thing that women are looking for is this ability and willingness to do that.

Nicole [00:51:33]: Right?

John [00:51:34]: So you gotta do that. You gotta step up and be the man if you want these things. But like I said, we're your allies, we are helping you. So you're shooting yourself in the foot when you're attacking and saying you should be promoting. You might not agree with everything. And I totally get it. I understand. But especially if you're watching clips, watch the whole episode. But that's the thing. I think that's super important to understand because you don't want to do this. You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you want women to watch this and to listen and to see and be like, oh, okay, I could be this way. If a man is willing to be this and then you be that man. And I guarantee you, you will have a different outlook in life if you start being that man because you attract those kind of women.

Nicole [00:52:20]: I agree with that.

John [00:52:21]: Okay, that's my little. My monologue in replacement of the end segment.

Nicole [00:52:28]: Even though the end's supposed to be my segment.

John [00:52:30]: Since you picked, oh, here, you want a monologue?

Nicole [00:52:32]: No, I feel like I've already said everything I need to say. But yeah, you made a lot of good points. And hopefully this helps people. This episode. It's not as organized as some of our other ones, but it had a lot of good insights, I feel like.

John [00:52:47]: And I love you. And I'm sorry.

Nicole [00:52:50]: And I'm sorry, too, for the ways that I messed up.