Nicole [00:00:00]: I was sort of in a place at one point where I was like, am I being too picky is the ultimate thing being somewhat happy? I didn't genuinely believe that. And I'm glad that I didn't settle for other things and miss out on you.

John [00:00:15]: I don't think it's necessarily magical. I think it can be, but I don't think it has to be. What I mean by that is that if you have the right tools, you can build a better than perfect relationship. Beyond the perfect we discovered through our flaws we completely change Other better than perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:00:50]: That's right.

John [00:00:51]: Yeah. So what. What's happened? It's been a while, I think, since we've recorded a.

Nicole [00:00:57]: Not for everyone else.

John [00:00:58]: Not for everyone else. For, you know, because we.

Nicole [00:01:00]: Yeah, we went to Tony Robbins.

John [00:01:02]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:03]: Which was. Maybe we should do a whole episode on that.

John [00:01:06]: Oh, yeah, we could do.

Nicole [00:01:07]: Have to, like, regroup on that.

John [00:01:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:10]: Then we went to Vegas.

John [00:01:12]: Yeah. It was your birthday.

Nicole [00:01:13]: Yeah.

John [00:01:13]: Happy birthday. I'm older now, so the When We Were Young concert. So.

Nicole [00:01:19]: Yeah, that's what we always have been doing for a while.

John [00:01:23]: Yeah. And you didn't walk on, you know.

Nicole [00:01:26]: No. Not at Tony Robbins. I did not. Now I'm okay with that next time.

John [00:01:29]: Next.

Nicole [00:01:30]: I'm okay with that next time. My feet did not get burned. Yours did.

John [00:01:34]: Just a little bit.

Nicole [00:01:35]: Just a little bit. You were still like, ow, there's something going on at the bottom of my feet. I'm like, yeah, you probably got burned.

John [00:01:43]: Well, let's. I guess what we're going to do today is read an email.

Nicole [00:01:46]: We went to the Ren Fair, too.

John [00:01:47]: Oh, yeah. I mean, I went to the rent first.

Nicole [00:01:49]: My first renf.

John [00:01:50]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:50]: It was interesting.

John [00:01:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:52]: I would go back.

John [00:01:52]: What did you think of the.

Nicole [00:01:54]: I mean, I like an excuse to dress up.

John [00:01:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:57]: So I thought it was fun. I'd go again.

John [00:02:00]: Okay.

Nicole [00:02:01]: I want to see some of the jousting and stuff at a better angle next time. We did get to watch people beat each other up, though.

John [00:02:10]: That's true. Yeah. Like a fake.

Nicole [00:02:12]: Yeah. Like a WWE Renaissance style.

John [00:02:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:02:17]: Which was interesting, but. No, it was cool. John just wants to get straight to it, so.

John [00:02:24]: Well, I mean, we finally have an email to answer, you know.

Nicole [00:02:29]: Yes, we do.

John [00:02:30]: Let me see. So we got an email from Maria. She says, hello, John and Nicole. I Hope you're doing well. Thank you for your work you do on the podcast. I wanted to ask you if you'd ever done an episode specifically focused on timing in relationships. I noticed people falling into two very different extremes. On one side are those who jump into relationships without the emotional maturity or self awareness required for something healthy, which can lead to low quality partnerships and a lot of hurt. On the opposite side, there are people like me. I have never been in a relationship. I'm 22 years old, partly because I have prioritized healing and building emotional maturity and improving my sense of self worth before dating. I also have always believed that the partner we choose reflects how we see ourselves. So taking time to grow first felt like the smart and intentional choice. Although I know that couples can grow and develop together, it also seems logical that if you become a stronger, healthier person first, you're more likely to attract a strong and healthy partner. I find myself curious about whether delaying dating to focus on self development can be a wise investment that prevents settling for less than what is truly good. I would love to hear your thoughts on this balance. Does the right timing look different for men and women? How do we know when working on ourselves becomes avoidance rather than growth? If you've already covered this topic, I'd be grateful for a pointer on the episode. If not, I think it can make a fascinating discussion. Thank you again for your inspiring and thoughtful content. I look forward to hearing more.

Nicole [00:04:04]: So that's a lot of good stuff in there.

John [00:04:06]: So yeah, I'm trying to see what so the big question is about whether or not what was it? Delaying dating to focus on self development can be wise investment. What's the balance look like? Does the right timing look different for men and women? How do we know when working ourselves becomes avoidance rather than growth? Yeah, well, what's your initial thoughts on that topic?

Nicole [00:04:36]: I think that it's not one way or the other.

John [00:04:39]: Okay, like what do you mean?

Nicole [00:04:42]: I get what she's saying. Like there are some people that just go from relationship to relationship and then there's some people who are like no, I'm gonna heal myself before. And I think that like she even kind of mentioned there's issues with both things. Like I feel like jumping from one person to another. You can obviously tell where the like issue is in that. But even with focusing on your self improvement, where she talked about how you know is that a point where it come becomes avoidance rather than like working on yourself. And then what we have come to know as well is that there's Only so much you can work on yourself Right. Before you kind of hit a point where you need a partner to mirror back things to you that you're not going to get on your own. So. And again, that doesn't mean just go get a partner to do that.

John [00:05:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:39]: But. And maybe that's what she means about the avoidance thing, like avoiding facing those things, those deeper underlying things, or using it as an excuse to just be in your, you know, alone time.

John [00:05:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:54]: So I think it's a lot more complicated than it seems. If you want me to go, like, full blown into it, I would think maybe we should dissect each thing that she talked about, like the jumping into relationships versus the person that's waiting. Because there's also a good part to what she said about, like, you're more likely to attract that sort of partner.

John [00:06:16]: Sure, right.

Nicole [00:06:17]: But I also didn't like that she said your partner reflects yourself because a majority of the time that's true. When you found the person you're compatible with and you want to marry or something like that. I think that is true. But I think that people who are really working on themselves and have certain mindsets or things like that can also find themselves in relationships with people that are not like them. And I don't think that necessarily reflects who they are, but maybe it reflects more of, like, they need to be in that situation to learn something. And I think that for me comes from a more like, divine timing, like, you're supposed to be here for this reason sort of thing. And my overall thing, we. I actually had a conversation a little bit with our daughter in the car last week about this because, you know, she's at that age where she's, you know, in high school. And.

John [00:07:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:16]: You know, thinking about that kind of stuff. And basically what I told her is a little different because she's young. But I was like, you know, you don't have to wait around to date somebody until you find someone that you want to marry. You know what I mean? Like, you should be serious about them. Like, I'm not saying that you shouldn't like them enough or think you're compatible or have these things in common or whatever your criteria is in order to date them. I'm not saying that, like, you shouldn't have those things.

John [00:07:48]: Sure.

Nicole [00:07:49]: But I think if you put so much pressure on, like, the next person I date is the one I'm gonna marry, like, in some ways that's a good thing, but in some ways you might have kind of disqualified that person because you didn't even give them a chance to, like, figure that out.

John [00:08:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:08]: So with her, obviously, I didn't want her to stress about, like, yeah, I didn't find the person I want to marry in high school because, like, that happen to some people, but it doesn't happen for a lot of people. And so I don't want her to be like, I can't date this person unless I want to spend the rest of my life with them, because that's hard to even imagine at her age.

John [00:08:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:29]: So I think, though, that the people that we date along the way also teach us a lot of things and show us what we want in relationships, what we don't want in relationships. And so in that sense, I don't think that you should wait around for this, like, absolute perfect person that, like, that person has to fit in that box perfectly.

John [00:08:55]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:57]: Because I think you'll find that person if you go out there and actually experience dating and actually experience interacting with other people and again, figuring out what you like and dislike or like what things you're most compatible with in another person. But I also don't think you should jump from relationship to relationship either. I think there is some time that you need in between.

John [00:09:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:23]: To reflect on the things that you've learned in a relationship. And when you jump straight into something else, a lot of times you don't have that time, and that can cause problems in your future relationship. I'm not saying that there's not people that have success going from one relationship to the other, but most of the time, it's probably not going to work out because you haven't processed that first relationship.

John [00:09:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:49]: And figured out the things that you've learned from it. And then now you're already in a new one.

John [00:09:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:54]: That's different than the other one.

John [00:09:56]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:56]: It's kind of like a quick version of the things.

John [00:10:00]: But I would. I would say that, I mean, you got to first start off with the differences between men and women. So I think the answer is a little bit different. Right. So in terms of. And we talked about this before in the podcast, as a man, you need to spend your time in personal development before getting into a relationship. Right. So I've always told the guys that I coach that you really shouldn't even get into a monogamous relationship until you're in your 30s or maybe 40s. Right. Don't even really, you know, you can date, get some, you know, experience, but. But you should be spending your 20s hustling, going to the gym Making money, building a business, reading books, grounding yourself as a man, like, becoming more masculine, like, developing yourself because you're going to need to lead a relationship. And so I think.

Nicole [00:10:56]: I agree with that because I think men need a little bit more, like, focus on that sort of thing when they're younger. Because I feel like women, we mature or, like, earlier.

John [00:11:08]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:08]: And sooner. And so a woman might be ready to get married younger because she's in a more mature headspace. I'm not saying that she's totally ready. There's things that she needs to work on, I'm sure, to go from, you know, adolescence to being a young adult. But I feel like we are more likely to be open to that and ready for that. And men need, you know, to kind of work through those more boy, like, qualities, like being really quick to anger and, like, you know, maybe not handling things as well or not being as responsible or whatever. Those things that are like, kind of a more boy mentality. And so I feel like a lot of women end up dating boys, you know.

John [00:11:56]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:11:56]: And so that makes a lot of sense that men should. And boys should focus on, you know, working on those things to be ready to be a husband and a father. Because I think that takes more work on a man's side than, like, a woman doesn't really need to work to be ready to, like, be a wife and have a family. Like, she might probably be ready to, like, go to college and, like, start a career. But if the right man came along too, maybe she would just be ready to, you know, go straight into being a wife and a mother. It depends on the person. But I'm just saying that I think there is, like you said, a disconnect where men need more of that time to focus on not being in that kind of, like, boy mentality.

John [00:12:44]: Right? Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:45]: We all know how teenage boys are, you know, like, the ridiculous jokes and, like, you know, they're not taking life very seriously. And so if you're a woman that's kind of still dating a guy in a boy mentality, you don't feel like he's ready to be in a serious relationship. You don't feel like he's ready to be in these roles that are, like, very serious. So I agree with you that I think it is different in that aspect and the other ones as well, too. Like, you know, establishing himself, you know, and taking the time.

John [00:13:13]: And he has to be able to lead the relationship. Right. So that's why he has to have done the groundwork to make himself mature enough to be able to lead, which also is also the reason why, yes, women mature faster typically than men do. But also, if the man is leading the relationship, then the woman is going to be learning a lot from the man. And so he's going to be guiding and hopefully helping her with her personal development by his leadership. And so that's why it's.

Nicole [00:13:49]: And he needs to gain that experience.

John [00:13:51]: Yeah. Because the relationship really doesn't work if the woman doesn't look up to the man. It's really difficult because a man needs to have respect. He's not going to have respect if he's not respectable, which means that he needs to be in. A woman needs to look at the man in the relationship as wiser as someone to learn from, as someone who she can see as an authority in their relationship, which means that she has to feel he's more competent than she is. And if that's not the case, you know, then she's not going to respect him and there's going to be a battle for power. Right. And so it's like, I think a woman still should do some degree of personal development. Yeah, obviously. But where that really comes down to is on the woman's side is a guy can go out and find a woman and date a woman, and if he's a good man and a leader, he's going to sort of shape who she becomes to a degree. She's going to be more informed. Whereas a woman needs to have more discernment in picking a man because she doesn't have as much influence or control over him. And she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to lead the man. So she needs to be more focused on waiting to find the right guy, you know what I mean? And so it's like the guy should be focused on building himself so he can become the right guy. The woman should be focused on becoming discerning enough to be able to determine who is the right guy. So that might mean dating guys and realizing who's not the right guy, you know what I mean, to understand. Because how do you know who you can follow until you have some experience to see, you know, what, what kind of man, you know, that, that you're, you're looking for. But, but that's where I think, you know, we talked about this before, is that young women, what should they be doing in that time, not going out to clubs and partying and drinking and doing all kinds of hood rat type of stuff. That's not going to help you in finding A right guy. You know what I mean? It can be personal development, like working on yourself from a spiritual perspective, emotional perspective, like watching a good podcast that tells you how to, you know, prepare for having a traditional relationship where you're going to be able to, you know, understand what you should be in that relationship, you know, and how to even find what the right guy is. Those are the things that I think a woman should be. Would be focused on. But, but as far as, like, you know, using that as avoidance, like just kind of working on yourself, I don't think it's. I don't think it's a matter of. Of something where you're like, okay, well, I need to work on myself to a degree before I'm. I'm in a relationship.

Nicole [00:16:37]: I think some people say, though sometimes they say, like, oh, I want to be, you know, healed, maybe not even fully, but I want to work through this before I get into a relationship, which in some ways I can see. Yeah, but some of those, I don't think that that's completely necessary because I think a lot of times the most transformative healing comes from. With someone that is there to support you in it and kind of give you the hard truth in a loving way.

John [00:17:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:17:09]: You know, so I don't think people have to be completely healed, but some people do. And again, is that, Is that an excuse that they're using to kind of like, avoid putting themselves out there or what is it really?

John [00:17:23]: Well, what's the traits, I mean, you got to look at, like, what are the traits that a woman who didn't fix those or work on herself would cause her to sabotage a relationship that would have been a good relationship. Those are the things that have to be fixed. Right. So that could be things like being very insecure to the point of, of constantly seeking male attention. Because if you're a woman who hasn't built enough self worth that you're not constantly seeking male attention. When you get into a relationship with a man, what are you going to do? Continue to seek male attention, which is going to destroy the relationship, because any respectable man is not going to have a woman that is constantly seeking validation from other men or like putting herself out there, posting photos of herself on Instagram and stuff like that, where she's trying to attract that attention. She's going to mess herself up. So in that case, those things, you know, different traits can be worked on because you're not ready for a relationship if, if you haven't dealt with that level of, of self worth. Right.

Nicole [00:18:28]: Like Needing the validation. And I wanted to say, too, to what you said about a woman has to look up to and respect a man, the opposite of that is that she views him as a. A kid, a son, another child in the relationship. It's one or the other. It's normally not in between.

John [00:18:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:49]: Normally she either respects her partner or she views him as another child out to take care of.

John [00:18:55]: Right, right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:18:56]: And so if you're a woman listening to this and the guy you're with, like, you're like, oh, he feels kind of like having another kid or something, that's usually not the best sign because.

John [00:19:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:09]: Can you get out of that? Probably so. But it's gonna be pretty hard because you have to, like, figure out a way to not view him in that way anymore. And that also takes him having to kind of step up and learn how to be a leader if he hasn't already. And then, you know, then you have to learn a whole new normal. Yeah. You know, you went from being, like, viewing him as a kid that you have to take care of. You have to now switch over to being like, he's taking care of you and you trust him, and that can happen, but it just unlikely. It's harder because now you're also, too, having to rely on him stepping up and doing the thing that he needs to do. And it's really hard to. You can influence him maybe in some sort of ways, and maybe you have those ways that a man can be influenced into, you know, taking initiative, like what a woman could do to influence him. But we can't control people either, so.

John [00:20:07]: Well, it's hard, too, because I think that it's. You're. You're trying to go fight an uphill battle. Because, like, a lot of my coaching clients, when they tell me that the woman they're with has is screaming at them or cursing, it's like, okay, it's done. Like, you're done. That level of respect that you've lost is not coming back.

Nicole [00:20:33]: You don't think so.

John [00:20:35]: It's. It's hard. Very hard. Because once you've allowed that as a man in a relationship, if you've allowed that behavior to happen, then it's. It's sort of like a line that you can't. It's very hard. Once that line's crossed, it's easy to cross that line again. And so you've just lost so much respect in that case that it's very hard to turn it completely around. So that's why it's more important that that man already have established himself and understand those dynamics. Because.

Nicole [00:21:12]: Yeah. Which I think is why it's good that you said what you said, that men, I think, need a little bit more time before they start seriously dating to work on those things. Because you as a man need to come to the first date. Like, man.

John [00:21:26]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:27]: Like, it's a lot harder if you show up as an immature boy and then you turn into a man. Like, the woman kind of has to trust that you're going to get there. And some guys don't get there.

John [00:21:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:37]: So it's a lot more risky as a man to not work on yourself in those ways and try to date. You have to get lucky that a woman's going to want to be with you in the boy state that you're in and trust that you're going to eventually get to a man. And then if you don't, then she might leave.

John [00:21:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:53]: Because, you know, women do want that sort of like, I know what I'm doing.

John [00:22:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:01]: Quality in a man.

John [00:22:02]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:03]: So if you cut out dating, though, while you're in that boys stage.

John [00:22:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:10]: And really focus on becoming a man. And it might not even take that long if you're really serious about it and serious about improving yourself.

John [00:22:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:18]: It might not take as long as you think it does. But you have to get to that version of yourself that is a man. That is someone that people would want to follow their lead and trust.

John [00:22:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:30]: And not in a controlling way, but coming from a love way. And that you want the best for the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with and things like that. Then you have much better chances dating wise than if you go in as a boy and then hope that. That a woman sees the man in you and decides to wait around for that guy to show up.

John [00:22:52]: But that's what I'm saying is like, it's hard to like that. That perception is not going to change very easily.

Nicole [00:22:59]: Right.

John [00:22:59]: So it's like once you come into. It's just like if I got on a sales call and I'm acting very timid on the sales call, I'm like, oh, you know. And then towards the end of the.

Nicole [00:23:08]: Sale call, you want to buy.

John [00:23:09]: Yeah. They're like, it's incongruent. It's hard. The perception that's already been established of me not being an authority, not being confident is very, very hard to overcome. Right. It takes a lot more.

Nicole [00:23:23]: Yeah. You would need a lot of consistency.

John [00:23:26]: But I'd say for women, though, to you Know, as far as preparation books, you know, the. The Queen's Code, reading that. That book. Probably the whole series from Alison Armstrong. Right. And.

Nicole [00:23:40]: Yeah.

John [00:23:40]: And then the. The Surrendered Wife or the. The Empowered. Empowered wife. Either one of those. Just to prepare yourself to. Because that's going to put you ahead, you know, because we live in a world that's a very kind of feminist type of world that is very woke and doesn't really subscribe to the traditional relationship roles.

Nicole [00:24:02]: That. But I think people are kind of leaning more towards that way than they used to. I mean, even we watched Love is Blind.

John [00:24:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:08]: Which we've forgotten our beginning part. But we watched Love Is Mind and some of the girls on there were saying they wanted more traditional style. The one girl, Ali said that that's what she was expecting, you know, in a relationship. So I think that people are becoming more curious to it.

John [00:24:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:28]: Than they were before.

John [00:24:30]: But there's a lot of learning to understand how that, you know, and a lot of. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Nicole [00:24:37]: Right.

John [00:24:38]: So it's.

Nicole [00:24:38]: Which. That's the biggest problem, I feel like.

John [00:24:40]: Yeah. We've talked about. It's like. Because you even hear a lot more girls are like, oh, I want a man that's chivalrous. I want. I want him to pay for the dates and stuff, but I still want to be a strong, independent woman. And you can't. You can't have both of those things at the same time. Like, you have to be. If you want that, you have to be willing to be submissive and the man has to be dominant. Like, it's not a bad thing. It's a good thing when there's a trust in the relationship, and that's how the dynamics are functioning. But a lot of. A lot of people want to have it both ways. They want to have both of the things.

Nicole [00:25:17]: Yeah. I feel like it's just triggering to women. The. The word is triggering, obviously to women. And. But the thing that I think women don't realize when they get triggered.

John [00:25:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:25:27]: Is that back then when women were submissive and the version that a lot of women today don't want to be.

John [00:25:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:25:36]: Women did choose their husband, but not really today.

John [00:25:40]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:25:40]: It's like you're choosing the man that you're going to submit to.

John [00:25:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:25:44]: So you're not submitting just to any man.

John [00:25:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:25:46]: You will want to submit to a man that shows up and does what he says he's going to do, and you trust him and you do look up to him. And you respect him.

John [00:25:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:25:56]: And that's the difference. And some of these women, again, have never met a man like that.

John [00:26:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:26:01]: So they only view submission as this other thing where they're like, I just get assigned a husband and I have to follow his whatever he says and I don't trust him. That's what they're thinking.

John [00:26:11]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:26:11]: And that's why they're so against it.

John [00:26:13]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:14]: Because they don't even know what the way today is. Why we call it like modern, traditional. It's like you're choosing this man.

John [00:26:22]: You have to make a good choice.

Nicole [00:26:23]: Right.

John [00:26:24]: That's the thing.

Nicole [00:26:24]: Right.

John [00:26:24]: It's just like, even like when I'm like, I'm doing sales training, right. So I, I hire someone to do sales coaching for me, right. I submit in that, like, I'm like, you're the boss. I'm like, whatever you say, whatever you tell me to do, I'm going to do. I'm trust. Because it's not like I'm just blindly like, okay, anyone can just tell me what to do.

Nicole [00:26:45]: Right.

John [00:26:45]: I've paid, I've vetted this person out. I know that they're the best. I've paid them money. I trust them. So I trust their judgment better than my judgment. So therefore, I'm submitting to their authority in this context, in this situation, because I want, I feel like they can do a better job of telling me what to do in this situation than I can. Right. Because they're the master, I'm the student in that case. Right. So it's like a lot of people just in general, in society don't understand that submission is something that is critical because there's a chain of command because you have to. If you have a problem with all forms of authority, you're going to have a big problem in life because you're never going to learn anything because no one's ever going to be able to tell you anything. You know what I mean? Because you're always going to think you're smarter or you're wiser or you're a judge. Judgment is the judgment that supersedes everything else. And as a man, yeah, you've got to have the quality of relying on your own judgment. But you also have to recognize that when you're submitting yourself to some other authority, that it's a full submission. You can't have it both ways. But I think a lot of, and I say that point because a lot of women are very hesitant to do that. But I'm saying as A man, you have to do that as well. Right. Because that's the way the dynamic works. Otherwise you have two people fighting and battling out and, and trying to one up each other.

Nicole [00:28:05]: Right.

John [00:28:05]: You know?

Nicole [00:28:07]: Yeah, that's true.

John [00:28:08]: But.

Nicole [00:28:09]: Well, so going back to timing in relationships.

John [00:28:13]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:13]: I think too, I hate the phrase like, oh, it just wasn't the right time for us or something.

John [00:28:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:21]: Because maybe that is true in some ways and you guys have to break up for some reason.

John [00:28:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:28]: But I think if it's really the person you're meant to be with, you'll find your way back to each other. And I don't mean back to each other as in like, oh, I couldn't find anybody else, so let me hit this person up again, you know, a few years later. But I think, you know, when people are like, oh, it was just the wrong time. Like, maybe that is true.

John [00:28:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:49]: But maybe it was the wrong person because I know too that when you and I met, it wasn't the right time for you at least.

John [00:28:57]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:58]: And you still made it work though.

John [00:29:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:29:01]: And it was a lot and it was a mess.

John [00:29:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:29:03]: But you still made it work. So that's why I don't really like it because I'm like, if it is the right thing and you know, it's the right thing, like the right person.

John [00:29:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:12]: I think it doesn't matter what the timing is. You'll. You'll make it work one way or another.

John [00:29:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:29:17]: And even if that's doing long distance or whatever it is. Like, I don't even really like long distance, but if it's the right person.

John [00:29:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:24]: And you can't be together for some reason, that's better than doing nothing.

John [00:29:30]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:31]: You know, so I don't really like that phrase because I feel like it kind of. It's like, oh, it's not nothing. It's nothing I could have done. The timing was wrong. But it's like. But if was the person you felt like you really supposed to be with for the rest of your life, would you just be like, oh, the timing was wrong.

John [00:29:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:29:52]: No, I don't think that's the case.

John [00:29:54]: Yeah, it could be, I think. Yeah. You could say like the timing in your personal development, you know, like you can jeopardize something by not being, you know, especially well. And that's also a reason I was going to mention this about. You don't want to jump from relationship to relationship because you're going to have emotional baggage from the previous relationships no matter what.

Nicole [00:30:16]: Even if you Think you're not going to.

John [00:30:17]: Exactly. And so those things maybe you do need to resolve, otherwise it's going to create a mess with the next one and carry over.

Nicole [00:30:26]: Yeah.

John [00:30:26]: So I think there's an element of that that you have to.

Nicole [00:30:30]: But I think, even if, okay, let's say that you got out of a relationship and you met someone who you do think is the one pretty quickly after, I think if you're open and transparent and you're like, hey, I just got out of a relationship and I haven't really processed it and there's some things I need to, like, figure out. And even if you're like, let's not go on dates for like a few months, but I want to see you again or something, that is not ending it. To me, that's like how it should be dealt with.

John [00:31:00]: Oh, sure, yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:01]: You know what I mean? Like the open communication. I don't think that means the timing was wrong. I think that that means that you know that this is something valuable. So you're giving it a timeline that is going to be best for both you and them, but it's still continuing. Like, it's still a part of the timeline.

John [00:31:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:19]: If that makes sense.

John [00:31:20]: Yeah, no, it makes sense. And part of that too is like, and then we talk about this all the time in the podcast is don't date someone you're not going to marry. Figure it out quickly so you're not in a long term relationship with someone who you're not going to end up with. Yeah, right. You should be able to know in a year.

Nicole [00:31:37]: Right.

John [00:31:37]: Probably less than a year, honestly, if it's really the, the right, you know, but a year to like fully suss it out at the most. But after a year, you should be engaged or you should be done.

Nicole [00:31:48]: Here's the hard part with that too, huh? I mean, I guess you can still say maybe you still know, but I'm thinking about all the people who haven't really met someone that are maybe watching this, that they're maybe with somebody long term and they're like, oh, I, I could see us getting married, but they don't really feel like that's their person.

John [00:32:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:32:09]: Because that probably would have been me if you didn't come along. Like, there are good people out there that would make a good boyfriend or a good husband, but not my soulmate. But it's like if you never got a taste of that.

John [00:32:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:32:23]: You, you don't want to like discredit this good thing.

John [00:32:27]: Okay. But if you had watched this podcast, then. Then what would have happened? Then you would have known what you're looking for. Right? Yeah, well, yeah, you see, so that's. That's the preparation that people can do is watch the podcast, you know. No, but. But they can. They can. They can learn about what the relationship that they want should be.

Nicole [00:32:47]: Right.

John [00:32:48]: So they can look for those qualities. But if you don't have any awareness of it, or you just listen to what social media or other people are saying that, you know, other people feel. Well, I mean, but you know what I mean? Like, if you're. If you don't, if you haven't, that's what you should be putting the thought into. And that's also where, like, she was saying that who you are attracts you, attract who you are.

Nicole [00:33:12]: Right. But I have more to this, because here's the thing is what I'm saying right now. I was always holding out for a relationship like you and I have.

John [00:33:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:22]: Like a very special, like, new. That this is my person.

John [00:33:26]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:27]: And plenty of people told me I was crazy, including relatives and friends would be like, you're being too picky.

John [00:33:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:34]: You're gonna end up alone. And I didn't give up on that thought of, like, having that relationship that I really, really wanted.

John [00:33:44]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:45]: But I didn't meet anyone that gave me.

John [00:33:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:50]: The feeling of that. And so with all the people saying those things and then not meeting somebody, I was sort of in a place at one point where I was like, am I being too picky? Like, is the ultimate thing realistically just being somewhat happy, you know what I mean? And, like, I didn't genuinely believe that. And I'm glad that I didn't settle for other things and miss out on you.

John [00:34:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:34:20]: But I think, though, I'm just saying this because some people might be feeling what I just said. Like, believe this, and we're doing this so people will see that it exists. But it is something that is a lot of times harder to find.

John [00:34:36]: But I don't think it's necessarily magical in the sense I think it can be, but I don't think it has to be. What I mean by that is that if you have the right tools, you can build a better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:34:50]: Which I do think that's true.

John [00:34:51]: Even if. Even if you start off and this is not your ideal person, you know? You know what I'm saying? It's like it doesn't feel like that is the case. Like, if you're both working on actually improving, growing together, then. Then you can. A Lot of arranged marriages end up working out well, you know, or great, even a lot don't.

Nicole [00:35:12]: Right. In an arranged marriage.

John [00:35:14]: I know we need an arrangement here.

Nicole [00:35:15]: Because I do want to. I want someone to be real about their arranged marriage because they do work.

John [00:35:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:35:21]: I'm not disagreeing with that.

John [00:35:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:23]: But how happy are they really?

John [00:35:25]: How happy they choose to be? I think that's what it is, is because, look, regardless of the connection that we have and who we are, if we didn't, there's so many times that we could have destroyed our relationship if we didn't both do the work to. To help each other and to improve. Right. Like, we could have. We. We could have. There's so many paths, if you think about our relationship, that we could have taken, where we could have destroyed everything. Is that not true?

Nicole [00:35:55]: Yeah, but. And I don't want this to turn into arranged marriage episode.

John [00:35:59]: No, no.

Nicole [00:35:59]: But I think there is something different between meeting somebody and being attracted to them for all the things that you know about them and things like that versus you're assigned to marry this person. Like. Because I think that is also what helped keep us together in those hard times is that connection that you and I had based on who you are and who I am and that we were choosing each other because of the things that we really admired in each other.

John [00:36:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:27]: And so I'm not saying that arranged marriage, they don't admire things about each other, but when you're assigned somebody.

John [00:36:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:34]: It's a little bit different than you chose this person.

John [00:36:37]: Well, but look, I used to be an immature idiot. Some even still say that's the case. But, you know, and. And you. You used to be, you know, whatever.

Nicole [00:36:48]: You know, whatever.

John [00:36:50]: Whatever you used to be. Right. And in the. In that neither of us would have been good quality for.

Nicole [00:36:58]: Yeah.

John [00:36:59]: Right. So. So what I'm saying is that it's.

Nicole [00:37:06]: You.

John [00:37:06]: You develop into, like, what we have was built.

Nicole [00:37:11]: Right.

John [00:37:12]: It wasn't. Yeah. Okay. We had a good foundation to start with personally, like you did because you worked on developing yourself and I worked on developing myself, and we've learned lessons in life, so it made it a little bit easier to make those steps. But there were also things that made it more challenging because of the situation when we met. But what I'm saying is that. I'm not saying that just any two people throw them together and then everything's gonna be. I think there's some attributes that can definitely make a difference between two people. I do think there is, like, a soulmate Connection between people as well, you know. But what I'm saying is that a majority of what makes the relationship great is not that you found the right person. It's more that you put in the work in the relationship that you become the right person. You know what I mean? In fact, that's what I was saying at the beginning is like, we became the right person. We didn't start out like, there's a version of me that you would not like.

Nicole [00:38:16]: Yeah. And there's a version of me that you would not like.

John [00:38:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:19]: Yeah.

John [00:38:20]: And so it's not a matter of, you know, and that's kind of plays into the timing thing as well, is that could the versions of each other that we wouldn't necessarily like have gotten here. Yeah. With time and work and effort together, a harder path, for sure. But that's what I'm saying is that a lot of it is. Is what are you going to do? Because I think a lot of people are like, oh, they're ready to throw their hands up and say, this relationship's not good, or this doesn't work. And look, if you're not putting in your full effort to be the best that you can in that relationship and to grow in that relationship and your partner's not either, or one person's not, then, yeah, then that's not going to work. But if two people are committed to having a better than perfect relationship, they can, because it's a matter of developing those skills. It's a matter of, you know.

Nicole [00:39:18]: Yeah, you're right. So, but then I would say then timing is none of anybody's business because it's not something you can control. It's what you're saying, because you're saying that we ended up where we're at in the right versions of ourselves to make this work. But we didn't actively do that.

John [00:39:40]: No.

Nicole [00:39:41]: Well, so it just played out that way.

John [00:39:45]: Yeah. But we are working on ourselves.

Nicole [00:39:47]: But I don't think that's timing. I think that's if you focus on working on yourself just in general, and you know what you want and you're dating, you know, if you're a woman and figuring out what kind of person you want to be with for the rest of your life, then the timing of it will work out how it wants. You don't have to control that element of it.

John [00:40:07]: And here's where that timing element does come in, is that if you're. It's like she said about, like, you attract where you are right now, like, who you are. I Think that's true. Because if you work on yourself, right, and you become the person who is the equivalent of what you want in a relationship, like, you've done the work, you, you've. You've actually put in the work to improve yourself, to actually be a good partner to someone, then you're going to attract the kind of people that would be a good partner to you. Like, you're going to attract that because you're attractive to that, you know? So, like, you're going to bring that into your life. So you're going to create the timing, right? So instead of focusing on, oh, I got to find the right one, you should focus on being the right one. Because if you focus on being the right one, then you will naturally attract the right one. And I think that's both true for both of our lives. Like, in your life, part of the reason why I came into your life at that time probably had a lot to do with what you had learned and where you were at in life and the work that you were doing on yourself. That made it so that when I did meet you, that I was like, this is exactly what I'm looking for. You know what I'm saying? And likewise, because I had done those things, because had I not worked on the things that I had worked on to become the, the, the best person that I could on my own, then I would not have probably stood out to you either, you know?

Nicole [00:41:41]: Yeah. So I think that's true.

John [00:41:44]: So I think that's really what the focus should be, is on. Like, I mean, it kind of comes back full circle, is like, that you do, you do have to work on becoming the person, the best person that you can in the relationship. You can't say, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, because I'm not the best person of my. That. That I can be, you know, as a man. Yeah, you need more time. Like, it's going to take more time because you also need to financially be able to support a woman and children like you. You need to be realistic about those things and to ground yourself as a man. To become a man is a process, whereas to become a woman is not a process. You're already feminine. You're already a woman. It's an, It's a, it's not a doing, it's an undoing. Right. And, and so, but I think if your focus is on, okay, just like while I'm waiting, I'm working on myself and knowing that if I continue to work on myself, then the opportunities will Will show up. I think that's the best way, just overall perspective to have.

Nicole [00:42:44]: Yeah. And I think a good way to do that too is, like you said, to be what you want because you can't be hypocritical. Because a lot of people, they'll be like, oh, I want, as a woman, like a calm man who doesn't yell. But you can't be a woman that yells.

John [00:43:01]: Right. Right.

Nicole [00:43:02]: Like you can't ask for something that you're not giving as well.

John [00:43:06]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:07]: That's how I feel.

John [00:43:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:09]: So if I want a man that's not going to yell at me.

John [00:43:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:12]: I'm not going to yell at him.

John [00:43:14]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:14]: And that's what I need to work towards. Even if he doesn't exist, I need to work towards being that sort of.

John [00:43:19]: Person with everyone that you.

Nicole [00:43:21]: Exactly. Because that's like, what I want.

John [00:43:23]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:24]: And even if that person. Even if I'm on a date with somebody who does yell.

John [00:43:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:28]: One, I know that that person's not for me then, so that makes it easy. But two, now I'm practicing not yelling at someone that's yelling at me.

John [00:43:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:37]: So that I can be that sort of person no matter what is thrown at me.

John [00:43:42]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:43:42]: But also honor the man that I want to be with who doesn't do that.

John [00:43:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:47]: You know what I mean? So I think that is an important part of it because I think a lot of people, they might not even focus on the yelling thing. You know what I mean? Or little things like that. Like those aspects, like what you want in a partner, you also need to embody. And I'm sure that it's like that for men as well, too. Like, you can't. Even if you're a leader, you can't be yelling at her. And then if she yells, you're like, what are you doing? You know what I mean? Like, you're setting the tone. If anything, you're the leader. You're leading by example. And now she's going to think it's okay to do that. She shouldn't do it because she should have worked on her stuff and been, you know, like, I'm not gonna allow people to get me to a place that I don't wanna be at regardless of how they act. But, you know, it's even more important for men if they're leading and they're being the example that they hold high standards as well, too.

John [00:44:43]: Yeah. Yeah. That's why they need that kind of lead time.

Nicole [00:44:46]: Yeah.

John [00:44:47]: To mature themselves, to be in that position where you know, not to say that it can't. That you couldn't. Couldn't be the same age or. But the ideal is for a man to be older than the woman. It doesn't mean that it can't work in reverse. But if you're just talking about the ideal because that man has more time to establish himself and build that authority and masculinity so that he can be looked up.

Nicole [00:45:10]: Yeah. But if a younger man has done the work again, like I said earlier, he can get there faster. And there are plenty of younger guys who are way more mature than guys your age, for sure.

John [00:45:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:21]: So, you know, I think it's whatever, people, but that's also too. I think it's. You have to go out there and you have to date to meet people because everybody's different. Like, yeah, like you said, if a man is older, as a woman, he probably is going to be more mature, just statistically because he's older, he's had more time.

John [00:45:44]: Right.

Nicole [00:45:45]: But it's like if you go on a date and you meet somebody that's younger but he's mature, there's nothing wrong with that person either if that's the person that you want to be with. And that's why you have to go out there and put yourself out there. You can't.

John [00:45:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:58]: Hide away and be like, oh, I'm working on myself. You have to go out there, but be intentional.

John [00:46:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:05]: And, you know, get that. Because I feel like there are only certain things you can learn by experience. You know what I mean? There are things that you can teach yourself, and there are things that you can heal on your own with books and knowledge and things like that or therapy or whatever. But some things you have to experience and some things you have to learn the hard way.

John [00:46:24]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:24]: Because those usually stick the hardest.

John [00:46:27]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:27]: And are more likely to actually cause change.

John [00:46:30]: Well, yeah. And the majority of your growth overall is going to happen in a relationship. Especially in the relationship. Right. Because you, you know, if you look at, I mean, just like, if I look at my timeline of personal development and growth, I thought a lot of it had. I thought I was at the pinnacle of it before I met you. But then. But even in my previous relationship, a lot of personal growth was happening in the situation that I was. Was in. Right. That's what was actually developing it. But then when I look at, like, how much I've grown just since we've been together, it's a dramatic increase. Right. So it's like you can't. You can't Study for the exam.

Nicole [00:47:09]: Right. Well, it never ends. Yeah, you're never gonna grow.

John [00:47:12]: Yeah, you're gonna. If you're like, okay, well, let me just work on all of these things. So I'll be like perfect before I get into a relationship. It's like, no, as soon as you get there, you're gonna realize that you thought you're at level 50, but you're still at level three.

Nicole [00:47:24]: Yeah.

John [00:47:24]: And you know what I'm saying? So, so don't, obviously you need to do some work, but don't think that you're going to do so much that you're not going to have any problems or anything. Because majority of the growth is going to happen when you interact with someone else on an intimate level and have to have to deal with that. Because then you're really going to find out about yourself. Because it's like the best time that we find out about ourselves is not under ideal conditions. It's when we're tested. Right. So it's when things are not going good, then you find out who you really are. Right. So I always talk about if, when you're, you know, when you're running, like if you go for a run. If I go for a run, when I'm 20 miles into a run, that's when I find out who I really am. Right. Because at that point you're broken down, you're in pain, you're not having a good time, you're in whatever, you know, you get yourself into a situation. And so under ideal conditions, we have an ideal, like we can, we have a lot of patience. Under ideal conditions, we're happy. Under ideal conditions, we're pleasant to people. Right. Stressful, painful conditions that surfaces who you really actually are. So whoever you are at your worst, that's who you actually are. And so you have to have situations that are. Bring out your worst so that you can then get that demon out so you can work on it. Right. Because if he's still hiding, you don't know that he's there. Right. But he's still there and still affecting you. In day to day life, you got to really get the ugliness to come out so that you can face the ugliness and actually resolve it. And that's going to happen in a relationship.

Nicole [00:49:02]: Yeah. When you're on your own, who's pushing your buttons? Nobody.

John [00:49:05]: You can just walk away. You can just go.

Nicole [00:49:08]: And you have no attachments.

John [00:49:09]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:49:10]: Yeah.

John [00:49:10]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:49:11]: So, yeah, no, that's true. But yeah, I don't know. I'm Very much. Like, I don't like, like putting boxes on things. So I think it's like a mixture of things. Like I've said that it's. Yeah, you. Like you said, you can't jump from relationship to relationship because you're gonna have baggage. You could mess up a good relationship that you got in because you didn't process the other one. Plus, a lot of people who do that also don't ever spend alone time with themselves, and they never face the things that they do need to heal on their own.

John [00:49:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:49:46]: That they can heal on their own, which is being by themselves. Because a lot of people, too, just one of their issues that they haven't worked on or healed is that they're afraid to be lonely.

John [00:49:57]: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:49:59]: And you have to do that, like, you have to be okay by yourself.

John [00:50:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:04]: And value that in order to one kind of give that up.

John [00:50:10]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:11]: For something better for the person you want to spend your life with. And so that, God forbid, if something were to happen, you know, that you would be okay and you wouldn't just jump to a new husband or what? Because, like, if you're easily replaced.

John [00:50:26]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:27]: What does that even mean? Like, if I'm just with you because I don't want to be lonely.

John [00:50:32]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:32]: Do you feel valued?

John [00:50:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:34]: You know what I mean? Then you're just someone that's filling this role right now.

John [00:50:38]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:39]: Whereas if I've been alone and I've dealt with, like, feeling lonely at times and overcame those things, and I can be okay on my own.

John [00:50:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:49]: That means me choosing to be with you means even more.

John [00:50:53]: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You should be like, I love being by myself. That should be great. And then you should choose to be with someone else, because that's even better. Right. It's like even. That's why I don't have very many friends, because I'm like, I like being by my. I like. I like myself. I like to spend time with myself. And so I'm. I'm only going to spend time with people that. That is I enjoy more than spend time with myself, which isn't very many.

Nicole [00:51:19]: Yeah.

John [00:51:20]: It's you and a handful of people, and that's it.

Nicole [00:51:22]: But that's key because it does become avoidance, though, if you go the way, though, where you're like, I love being by myself, and you don't want to put yourself out there. That's where it becomes, like, the avoidance as well, too. So, you know, these are things that you can work on on your own.

John [00:51:39]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:51:39]: But like you said, you can never get to the fully healed part. Like, there's no threshold that you can get to where, like, okay, now you're ready to date because you've healed this much. Like, there's no set guideline for that. But you should want to be the best version of yourself, like you said, to attract the best version of the partner that you want.

John [00:52:01]: Well, and then also I think kind of speaking to what. What she asked in the email, because there's no version of working on yourself that looks like, okay, I've got my little journal and I'm going to meditate every day for an hour and everything is in order. And I'll read some spiritual books and do these things. Yes, you're going to achieve some amount of growth there, but the real growth comes from when the shit hits the fan. You have to put yourself into conflict, into situations where your patience is tested, where things are hard, where that's where it's not like you. You can't do this in the isolated little, in clean environment. Like, it's messy. Personal growth is messy.

Nicole [00:52:47]: But that's why I think you have to date along the way and in different versions of yourself. Yeah, that's exactly why. Because I think that you have things to learn at each step. And so I'm not saying don't date intentionally. You should. But if it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean that you aren't learning something or it was the wrong thing to do. Like, everything leads us where we're supposed to go.

John [00:53:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:15]: So that's how I think about the timing as well, too. Like, because I don't want this lady who wrote this email to be like, oh, I have to. Like you said, I have to have my journal and my. Read my book. And then now it would all be good. Because then what if she gets in a relationship that's not great. And then she's like, well, what did I do wrong? And like, sometimes there is something that we can reflect on. I'm sure there's something that went wrong in the relationship, but also maybe you had to deal with that challenge with the actual person.

John [00:53:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:48]: And see how you would handle it.

John [00:53:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:50]: Because you can think of the scenarios in your head, but it's not the same as dealing with somebody.

John [00:53:55]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:53:55]: Yeah. And so I think it's damaging to be like, so peculiar particular with it.

John [00:54:02]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:03]: That even if you get in a bad relationship and you have to end it or something happened.

John [00:54:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:10]: Where if you view that as not, like, I had something to learn here, you view it as like, oh, I did something wrong. Like, what did, where did I go wrong? Like, what is, what is this? Like, how did I end up with this person? Yeah, like the way you view it.

John [00:54:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:25]: Is very important. And also, again, I think the actually having the experience with someone is sometimes the best teacher. And sometimes we can't read all the things we need to learn. We have to experience them the hard way, like you said.

John [00:54:40]: But modeling it is good. That's why, like I, you know, like I said, people that watch our podcast, if you understand what you're looking for, what a relationship should be like, right. Then what you can do is you can have standards. And so there's no reason to ever get into a toxic relationship. If you understand what you're looking for and you have standards, then you're cutting ties very quickly. Right? So as soon as someone doesn't meet your standards, they're gone. So you date someone and it's like, my standard is that you don't yell at me. That doesn't happen. And sure, maybe one time that happens and you set the boundary and you say, this is my standard. I don't have this happen. I don't have relationship with people that yell at me. And then if they do it again, then they're gone. Then you're not dating them anymore. So you're not spending months of time. You're not getting into a toxic situation. Because every time that someone gets into a toxic situation, it's because they allowed it to happen, because they let it, because they had standards that were too low. Right. And they, it's not like that. It was just a bad person that they, they got involved with. It's like they made the choice to allow that behavior because it didn't, it didn't just like wherever it blows up to, it didn't just start that. Like the, the person that you're dating didn't just all of a sudden become a horrible.

Nicole [00:56:03]: And if they did go give him a brain scan because they might have a tumor.

John [00:56:06]: Yeah. But there was little, little things that happened over time that built up that you allowed because you were either too afraid to be alone or you didn't have enough self respect for yourself or didn't know what the model was. Right. But you know, in all those situations, if you have the standards, then it would have never grown to that, that point. That's true. So that's very true. That's really the biggest thing that you can do to prepare for the relationship is just to make sure that you know what it should look like and then to have the self confidence to hold those standards and have them for yourself. Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:43]: Because again, if some man was like, don't yell at me, but he's yelling at me. No. And I'm not going to tell a man he can't yell at me.

John [00:56:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:52]: But I yell, right?

John [00:56:54]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:54]: So I think it's just as important to hold yourself to the same standards that you want to hold your future partner to.

John [00:57:03]: For sure. Yeah.

Nicole [00:57:04]: Because it's just insanity to think that they have to do it and you can't or like you can do it.

John [00:57:10]: And a lot of times, even if you want to talk about how you can influence a person, it's by having the standards. Because a lot of times when I'm coaching guys, I'll tell them, look, if you allow your girlfriend or your wife to speak to you this way or to act this way, then she's going to. You're actually hurting her because you're allowing her to be a worse version of herself. Right. That she will be because you're allowing that to be. Whereas if you have the standards and you don't tolerate that, then that person, if they actually care about you and care about the relationships enough, that will cause them to conform to that which is good for them. Just. Again, the same thing. When I'm on a sales call and someone starts giving me. They're like, oh, yeah, I just, I like, I'm like, well, why haven't you done this in the, in the past? Why hasn't it been a priority for you? And they're like, well, I just haven't had enough time or whatever excuse they give me. If I just allow them to say, I haven't had enough time, which is an external thing, which is Right. Then I'm helping them to become a less good version of themselves. But if I say, well, I mean, a lot of people have made enough time, I mean, don't you think that if something's a priority to you, that's something that you make time for? So why haven't you made the time? And I push back on them, because that's my standard is I'm not going to allow you to give me some kind of bullshit about that because you have to hold yourself to a higher standard, then I'm doing them a service because I'm causing them to step up. You know what I mean? And so that's the same thing is like, you might be sabotaging your relationships by not having standards and then filtering out people that could Be good for you. It's just that people act how you train them to treat you. And so if you come in with standards, then you might be helping that person be the person that they need to be in order to be in the relationship with you.

Nicole [00:59:07]: That's true. Well, I think we covered all the things. Unless there's anything else you can think of.

John [00:59:15]: No, I think that's.

Nicole [00:59:16]: But you just said time is bullshit, and so I agree.

John [00:59:19]: Time is bullshit.

Nicole [00:59:21]: It's a bullshit excuse. And I think it's a bullshit excuse here in some ways. That's why I don't like the timing thing. I think, yeah, it'll happen how it's supposed to happen.

John [00:59:29]: Yeah, you can make. If you want something bad enough, you'll make it. You figure it out.

Nicole [00:59:33]: You'll either make it happen or supposed to take that time. Because I'm thinking about too, like, you know, what if you came along and I was younger or something, or older? Like, that's just how in my mind it's like, that's just how it was supposed to be.

John [00:59:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:49]: Like, you know, it happened how it's supposed to happen. I'm just glad it did happen.

John [00:59:54]: Right.

Nicole [00:59:54]: So, yeah, I think taking the timing of things like, and just allowing it to be. Be what it's supposed to be also gives you the freedom to not stress. Because if you're like, oh, as a woman, like, I want to be married and have kids by 25, if you haven't found the guy that you want, then now what are you going to do? You're either going to settle for someone or you're going to have to accept that that's not going to happen and then allow it to happen how it's supposed to.

John [01:00:23]: But on that same ven. Or venue or whatever. Token. Vein. Vein, let's say same vein. If you are the woman that's like, I want to be married and have kids by 25, but then you're like, okay, I'm going to go party and be a hood rat for like, until that time.

Nicole [01:00:42]: Yeah.

John [01:00:43]: Then you're not really saying yourself, you know, I'm saying you're not preparing yourself. There's still no guarantee that you're going to hit that deadline of 25.

Nicole [01:00:50]: Right.

John [01:00:50]: But the chance, like, opportunity meets preparation. Right. So it's like, that's what timing is, is when opportunity meets preparation. And so if you are doing hood rat shit in your early 20s and going and goofing off and it applies for guys too, like being a dumbass instead of actually building yourself, then you're going to miss the opportunities that could have come because they're going to pass you by. But if you're diligently preparing, if your goal is, I would like to be married by 25 and have K, like, okay, let me read the right books, let me watch this podcast, let me do the things that are going to prepare me for that, put myself in the best situation. It doesn't guarantee that you're going to hit that, but it creates a better chance of that opportunity happening and hitting you at the right time because you're prepared for it.

Nicole [01:01:48]: Yeah. I'm not saying don't prepare, but I'm saying don't feel like you have to plan every single aspect of it. I think you. You should be working on yourself as a person as early as you can. I mean, our daughter's working on herself, and she's done a lot of work now, and she's a teenager. So I don't. I think that that's just what we should all be doing in general. So I don't even view it as, like, preparing, like, for that. I get what you're saying, and it does make sense. And I agree that, like, if you want to be a wife by a certain age, then you should do things differently than if you don't care when it happens. But I think as far as growing and healing, the things that we've gone through, like, that should just be a. A thing that we're constantly working on, because it's never going to end. Like, and that's a good thing because the more you do heal, though, the better you feel. And you just keep going up and up and up from there until you reach this place where you feel really great. Yeah, but I don't think that's necessarily, like, you know, something that has to do with the timing. I think that you do it and what will happen will happen the way it's supposed to.

John [01:03:05]: But if you're not at the bus stop, you're going to miss the bus 100% of the time. Right. If you are at the bus stop, you could still miss the bus. Like, it might not show up on time or it might be late or whatever, but it's guaranteed. If you're not at the bus stop, you're gonna miss the bus.

Nicole [01:03:19]: Well, then what's the bus stop?

John [01:03:20]: The bus stop is preparing yourself like, it's putting yourself in the best position.

Nicole [01:03:24]: If you want to be a wife.

John [01:03:26]: Putting yourself in the best position for what you want to happen. It doesn't guarantee it happens, right? But it does guarantee that it doesn't happen if you don't put yourself in the position. If you're not at the bus stop, you're not gonna, you're not gonna catch the bus, right? Because a lot of people are like, oh, I missed the bus. Well, so. Yeah, but you weren't at the bus stop. You weren't. Well, I was there. Sometimes it's like, no, you gotta be waiting at the bus stop for the bus. Like, that's what it is. You, you have to actually be if you want something.

Nicole [01:03:53]: What does that mean then, besides not going out partying? We already know that.

John [01:03:58]: It means, it means, it means the, the working on yourself in the way that you can, right? Preparing yourself to be the best partner possible, right? So that, you know the, the thing that you're trying to attract, that you are that thing that you, you're putting yourself in the best position.

Nicole [01:04:13]: And how would you say to do that?

John [01:04:15]: Well, like I said, reading the books that we said, listening to podcasts like this one, I'm sure there's other podcasts too, where you can see what a relationship is supposed to look like that you want. So you know what it is? Preparing yourself so that you're going to be that partner as best as you can in that by working on those things and having that knowledge and putting yourself in the environments that are more likely to find the kind of person, right? So a good example would be like Tony Robbins events, right? Like a seminar. Like, okay, if you're a person of like minded people, like, that's a great place. You're probably going to find more of the man that you're looking for as a woman in a place like that, where it's a whole bunch of guys that are focused on growing themselves. Not that every, you know, there's definitely going to be some delinquents in there, but a majority of people, right? Like you have to think about putting yourself into that, that position in that environment so that you don't miss that bus.

Nicole [01:05:15]: Yeah, no, I agree. We just needed to give them a map to the bus stop. You can't just say go to the bus stop and then they don't know how to go to the bus stop.

John [01:05:22]: Yeah. The bus stop though, is not, you know, going out partying, drinking. I'm not saying you can't ever have any kind of fun, but I'm just saying, like, that's. And it applies to guys too, as well, right? Because I see so many guys waste their 20s, like going out and Partying. And again, you can have a little bit of fun, but if you're not working on yourself, establishing yourself and putting yourself in that best position, then you're going to miss it, so.

Nicole [01:05:45]: That's true.

John [01:05:45]: Yeah. All right. Do we have anything for us for this?

Nicole [01:05:51]: I don't know. Can you think of anything?

John [01:05:53]: I can't think of anything. It's been quite.

Nicole [01:05:55]: I feel like if we can't think of anything, it's probably.

John [01:05:57]: No, but then we're in the.

Nicole [01:05:59]: But I'm trying to think.

John [01:06:01]: Any issues that we've had that.

Nicole [01:06:05]: I don't know.

John [01:06:07]: Arguments.

Nicole [01:06:11]: You're upset with me wanting to know when we're getting to where we have to go on Sunday.

John [01:06:16]: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, yeah, because I got it. It's my responsibility.

Nicole [01:06:20]: I know, but it's Tuesday and I'm nervous.

John [01:06:23]: Yeah. But I always take care of the things that are on my plate.

Nicole [01:06:27]: That's true. That's probably the only thing.

John [01:06:29]: Unless I need help and then I ask you for help.

Nicole [01:06:32]: Yeah. I'm just like you. I don't like having the things, like, not figured out.

John [01:06:37]: Yeah. But if you got me, then it. It's as good as figured out.

Nicole [01:06:40]: So, yeah, we'll be like flying on an airplane or something. We're taking an airplane. I'm like, okay, as long as we get there.

John [01:06:47]: But, yeah, I think aside from that, I don't think we've had any. Any issues now that I can think of.

Nicole [01:06:53]: Knock on wood.

John [01:06:54]: We're not. Knock on wood. All right. All right. Well, if you have a question for us, you can email us@betterthanperfectpodcastmail.com or just go to betterthanperfectpod.com and submit a. Yeah, submit a thing. I think there's a thing.

Nicole [01:07:10]: What do they call contact?

John [01:07:12]: A contact form. Is their contact form on there?

Nicole [01:07:14]: I don't know.

John [01:07:15]: I don't know. Just email us@betterthanperfectpodcastmail.com and we'll see you next week.