John: You shouldn't give people praise. You should give them criticism. Don't coddle them. Give them criticism. Then after I read that book, I realized that no, that's actually wrong. You hear it all the time in our comment section of guys that will not be convinced. It represents who they are. You can convince him with new information, but you have to respect his current opinion in order to give him new information.

Nicole: You just said telling them that they're stop being a little [__] helps that pray. Well, but that's different because it's not meant in a critical nature even though it's not those are critical words, right? It's actually uplifting. This is a man language that I will never be able to through our flaws. We complete each other. Better than perfect we stay. Through every fault, we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship. All right, and we're back with another book book review. Not review, just discussion about the books, back to back books. But yeah, I mean, we might as well just launch right into it. I suppose unless you had something else. You got a lot of talk about this one. I'm trying to think. Was there anything that came up with that came up in the comments that people were saying? What's the talk on the town? Wasn't there one on uh that we recently posted something about John, the other John? Or there was I guess there was a thing that I did a response to. What was the one I did a response to? It was some woman was upset about some I don't even remember like she had gotten cheated on.

John: Oh, about being single at 40 because we were talking about advice to older women and it was like, yeah, I mean.

Nicole: Oh, and most of the women were like, "We're not looking for another man." Which was what I thought was what most women say to other women, not just go find another man. Because I remember in the episode too, I was like, "Women say that?" And you were like, "Yeah." Because I feel like I most hear what a lot of women in the comments were saying, which is, "Yeah, we don't want another man." There's a publicly spoken narrative and there's a privately spoken narrative, right? So, and and I guess they kind of maybe they cross a little bit, but I guess there's two things. So, one, women say, "Oh, I'm not gonna get another man." Which is not actually true because they're still gonna want love. they're still gonna uh but the the other thing that they they tell women is that oh it doesn't matter like you're like it doesn't matter how old you are like it's not going to be harder they they tend to paint an overly optimistic picture for a woman starting her life over at 40 which.

John: Is not well I think it's because they maybe feel free of the struggles that they were dealing with with the man in the relationship they were with and I do feel like at least At least in that moment, they genuinely don't want to find anybody else because they're still kind of getting they're still trying to get over a lot of the things that they dealt with in that relationship and they're afraid to be put in the same situation. Kind of same thing that men are afraid of too, right?

Nicole: Yeah. And I will say I agree with you that I think women eventually would try again. but also my own perspective that if something were to happen between you and I, I don't think I would go searching for love again. Well, one, I would think that love didn't even exist because I'd be like, look, if it wasn't this, then what is it? And I would go live in a little cottage somewhere. Yeah. But I don't think that majority of women are dealing with the type of relationship that you and I have. I think they're dealing with one that has been dysfunctional for a long time and they are enjoying genuinely not having that dynamic and they kind of can focus more on themselves or you know just their child and or whatever their situation is. So I'm not saying that they're wrong, right? But I think though, like you said, that deep down they would want to be with somebody that gave them the relationship like you and I had or that, you know, brought them a lot of peace and actually helped them, you know, by having a man that handles the masculine side of stuff and he he's a rock and he handles, you know, all the things that we talked about, you know, especially in the last episode that if she had a man like that, that would be different, you know, but a lot of these women are coming from like you said even in the last episode as well that a relationship is a woman's whole life. So when she gets rid of a bad relationship, she probably is like, I don't want to be put like, you know, I don't want a negative like relationship being the forefront of my life, right? Like yes, she wants a loving relationship and relationships are her life, but could you imagine if a bad Well, never mind. Could you But you're also not a woman, but could you imagine if a negative one was your entire life? Like that's exhausting. Like and we feel things like I said a lot deeper. So like I feel like these women are telling you the truth. However, maybe it's not the full truth. You know what I mean? Like they do want somebody. They want a good man, right? But when you've had a maybe not so great man be the center of your whole world and your emotional state and your life for so long that that does take a toll on you. And you probably do want a little bit of of a breather before you move on to something else. And well and and well and what we were trying to say in the episode too and I think from the clip was that don't just it's not so easy. You don't just get like fix the thing that you have and then women a lot of women there's an accountability problem fix but they haven't and that but that's why we're going to do this episode is talking about this book cuz I think that will help women because women don't have a lot of resources honestly that are good resources that tell them how to fix a a marriage at least from their relationship from their side of it right there is the surrendered wife/empowered wife that we've talked about which we've talked about those are good resources But but a lot of women just like men and and that's what I said to my video responses. I was like men say this. They're like oh yeah no I already I already I work I take care of even extra chores around the house in addition. I drive the kids places like I I am here you

John: I fix things around the house. And it's like, so I did all the things. I listen to her, right? And it's like, but yeah, but you didn't really do the one thing that's the most important thing.

Nicole: Which is the little things. Mhm. Which is showing her that you love her and listening to her and learning how to validate her emotions, right? Because if you did those things, she doesn't care about that you're working. Those are great, but those are not nearly as important as learning how to validate a woman's emotions and make her feel loved.

John: Yeah. Whereas on the flip side, women, they say, "Well, you know, I take care of the house. I do his laundry. I cook him meals every day when he comes home from work. I take care of the kids. I drive them everywhere to dance practice, you know, wait in the car for two hours or whatever."

Nicole: Yeah. But I do all of these things for him. I give him sex, right? And by the way, today is March 14th, which is steak and [__] day.

John: Just what? It's official. You never heard?

Nicole: No, I swear it's. You can check it out. You can check. You can look it up. But she's like, I did this. I. Why would you just throw that in there?

John: Because I was thinking like she's like, I did all these things, right? I gave him steak. I gave him a blow. Well, it's not going to be March 14th when they watch this.

Nicole: Yeah, I know. But what did she not do, right? Like she's missing the element of she didn't celebrate today. No, she didn't respect him mostly. She didn't understand how to appreciate him, how to appreciate the things that he does to treat him with respect.

John: So, she thinks that all these other things make up for it. But again, it's the little things. And I think that's the key is understanding these things as a man. Understanding what are the things that you need to do to really soothe the woman's heart, stoke a woman's flames of desire and love.

Nicole: And as a woman, what do you need to know as far as a man? Like what is. It's not just cooking and cleaning and doing the. Those aren't even though some men will say that's all that they need but they don't know and just like women don't know. We don't know what we actually. So that's why some books like this is good.

John: So, yeah, that's true. But should we get into the topic then?

Nicole: Okay, so the book that we're talking about today is the Queen's Code, that is by Alison Armstrong.

John: Why do I want to say Stewart? Alison Armstrong. It's such a simple. It even. What is it called when it sounds the aa like. Yeah. I forgot what you call that thing, but it's. So, Alison Armstrong. I don't even know who Alison Stewart is. She actually has some popular TikTok videos. If you're on TikTok talking about men, that's where we first saw her.

Nicole: Yeah. I feel like we saw one of her videos on TikTok and then you found out she wrote a book and then. Here we are. And she does, she again has that, like I mentioned in the last episode, that wisdom from like an older woman who has realized how to properly handle situations and how to properly understand men and life in general.

John: And so I feel like she is very easy to listen to and she explains things very well and it's not triggering. It's not abrasive. It's not shocking. It's for knowledge and understanding and empathy, like we talked about as well, too. Like true empathy, like trying to figure out where someone's coming from, specifically men.

Nicole: Yeah. Because I feel like both us women and men don't really know a lot about the other sex. We think we do, right? But we really only know how to deal with them from our own perspective, right? The things that we know about them. It's how we as a man or woman interact with them rather than who they actually are. Um, and this book does a good job of showing how men really are, but also in a way that women will understand.

John: It's not like the way of the superior man where it's more abrasive like how men would listen to it. It's this book was written in a way that makes it easy for women to understand and want to learn more about men in a way that shows the positive or like the good in men. Whereas a lot of times women are just fed the bad in men just like men these days are fed the bad in women, right?

Nicole: So it was a nice perspective to see like women talking about men in that way and even I have talked to our daughter about some of the things that I learned in this book and helping her understand because it's really majority of misunderstanding.

John: Yeah, I agree. Like you talked about just now is, you know, men and women are like, "Oh, like, well, I've done this, so I did all the things, right? Why is this not working out still?" And it's a misunderstanding. It's not truly understanding what the other person wants or how they even think or operate.

Nicole: And the book is good. It's written in this is she's written a few books about understanding men and one about understanding women. And this is actually it's written in a story format, which is really cool. And it's actually the second book in the story, but it's the one you should start with. It's her most popular one, too. I think the first one I read that one as well, and it's good. It's more about the development of men. In fact, she has a book called The Amazing Development of Men, I think. And I don't I haven't read that one. It's about the stages of men, which is good to know. But as far as being in a relationship with a man, this is the book. The Queen's Code. Absolutely. I think it's a book that every woman should read. And like you said, it's easy to read because it is a story and she in the story even the women that are involved in it, she's making them promise that they're not going to judge themselves harshly.

John: And she's teaching them things, but then she's like, "Don't use this to beat yourself up. You have to promise you're not going to beat yourself up with this. You're just going to recognize this and move on as opposed to saying, 'Oh, I screwed up before.'" Which is good because I think that makes it very approachable. Whereas, you know, if you read both The Surrendered Wife and The Empowered Wife, they are great books. The Surrendered Wife is a little bit more in your face. It's more like, look, this is where you're screwing up and this is what you need to fix, which is still good. It's still valid. But this is a much gentler approach. Whereas, I think if a woman was very feminist and had that kind of mindset and she read The Surrendered Wife, she wouldn't make it through the book. She would be like, "This is blah. I don't like this. This is bull crap." Whereas a woman who came from a very feminist perspective, if she read The Queen's Code, I think she'd make it through the book. It's gentle enough, and she would start to see, okay, this is why there is a misunderstanding. This is why I think poorly of men. But if I understand men better, then I can actually admire and respect things about men and see how they're actually wonderful people. It's the same thing. It's like the appreciation that men need to have for women and for femininity. This is the counterpart. It teaches women to have an appreciation for men and what they do.

Nicole: Yeah. I think too that with The Surrendered/Empowered Wife, it can feel like someone's talking at you. And that can be kind of off-putting to women. Like you said, it's beneficial, and women should be able to read something like that and acknowledge that they're doing some of those things and make the changes because I do think that's also beneficial for women to be able to take in information that way because it's not always going to be given to you in a book like The Queen's Code. But The Queen's Code, I feel like, is more well-received because you feel like you're a part of the conversation, but you're like a fly on the wall or you can even acknowledge like you're in a group of women acknowledging their faults and where they went wrong. And so you can feel safe in that space to do that. It's a little weird to put in that perspective, but because I feel like Laura Doyle also does admit where she also did the wrong things and that still gives you that same sort of belonging and like, you know, nobody's perfect. But this one, you kind of feel like you're a fly on the wall in a lot of these conversations. And so, I feel like that part of it makes it a lot easier to check yourself because you feel like other people are checking themselves. And so you're like, "Oh, I should do that, too." While you're reading the book, if that makes sense.

John: Yeah. Exactly. I think that's exactly right. It's a great teaching method. I want to write a book for men that's similar in a story format like that so that a lot of guys that are angry at women that won't listen to any kind of reason could see it from a story from being a fly on the wall just like this and say, "Oh, okay. I see why women are doing this or what they are actually feeling and thinking," because it gives a good perspective on it. So, let me see, what are some of the points? Well, the premise of the book starts out with this woman having trouble with what she calls frog farming. So, she's instead of kissing the frog and turning him into a prince, she's kissing the princes and turning them into frogs. So she's wondering why, like she's at some seminar and some guy says, "Oh, you're a frog farmer. That's why you're having trouble with men." And so then she's kind of on this quest to figure out what the heck does that mean? You know, why she's bringing out the worst in men rather than the best and why most women bring out the worst in men. And so I think that the nice thing about this book is like even if you're a single woman, you can look at this and be like, "Oh, wow. Is it?" And again, men still need to step up. This isn't when we talk to men, we talk to men. When we talk to women, we talk to women. I think that's so but for women to see that oh you know what maybe it's not that all men are bad and wrong or that I just keep on getting bad men but maybe what's happening is when I get into a relationship with a man there are some things that I'm doing that are bringing out the worst in him and some things that are crushing the best in him, you know what I mean? And I'm not fostering the best in him. I'm not doing the things that could bring out the best. So, a good example of this would be the trash. So, we'll give a little spoiler of how do you get your man to take out the trash? You never have this problem because you know, but oh, you want me to answer that?

Nicole: Yeah. I mean, instead of demanding it and expecting it, tell the man what it provides you and how him doing that helps you in whatever way. So, like in the book, she was talking about, which is true. We were talking about the other night how she was telling her husband that when he takes out the trash, it makes her feel like he's involved because she was cooking all the meals and so makes him feel involved in that aspect in a way and also prevents her from feeling unladylike essentially is what she said. Which when we were talking about it, I was like, that is something that I feel like a lot of women relate to because I do feel like taking out the trash makes you feel unladylike. Like even if you have to do it, and women have done it and will do it if we have to do it, right? It does make a woman feel nice when her man takes that responsibility so that she can focus on either finishing cooking dinner or cleaning up and not have to go outside and lug the trash that's probably leaking and dripping everywhere and you know those sort of things that feel more unladylike. But a lot of times we just come from a place of like, you know, why can't you take out the trash?

Nicole: Trash or like why aren't you noticing this? Why does this not pop up on your radar? Why do I have to ask you? She also talks about all of those things throughout the book because they're all different parts of it. And it's like at the heart, and we've talked about this on the podcast before, this idea that men want to be heroes. She talks about that a lot. She calls it the hero's language, in fact. But it's so crazy because I know we've talked about on the podcast before where I've been like, women, you have so much power. It's so simple. And I like that she says all you got to do is be like, "Help. All you got to do is ask a man, ask him for something." And he's going to go to the ends of the earth to do it for you. But if you demand it from him or you make him feel bad because he didn't do something or nag him about it, it's not the same. He wants to feel like the hero. He feels like the hero when you say, "Oh, this is how this will help me." That really does activate something in just about all men because they want to step up and be the hero. And so even if it's something as simple and mundane as taking out the trash, if you're looking at it from the perspective of saying, "Oh, wow. I would love if you did this for me. It would make me so happy. It would make me feel more feminine. It would make me feel loved." Then, because guys are always looking for what can I do? What thing is going to make her happy? The most important thing for a man in a relationship more than anything else is this woman being happy. That's the greatest gift that she can give him is being happy. And so to ask, to say the things that will make you happy, that's how you do it. Well, I think the most important thing in this book is realizing that men and women think differently. Like, because we could, we shouldn't even have just started with what we started because it's not going to impact women in the way we wanted to without first talking about that women have a diffused focus and men have a singular focus. Because if you don't talk about that, women are going to be like, "Well, why didn't you realize that the trash needed to be taken out?" That is the whole problem that she's having in the very beginning. And so all of the other pieces to this only make sense if women understand that men are singularly focused and we are diffusely focused. Meaning that men focus on one thing, right? And that one thing until it is completely done and they literally have blinders on like a horse and they don't see anything else. Whereas we can be like, "Okay, we need to cook dinner, but the trash is overflowing and the dog needs to be fed and, you know, I got to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer." We're thinking about all those things at one time because we can, right, and still do those things properly. Even though people really can't multitask as efficiently as they think they can, but women have the ability to focus on all those things at one time, right? Men do not. So women do feel like why is he not noticing the trash is not taken out? Like why can't he just do it himself? Like why can't he see with his eyes that this needs to be just done? And so they get upset about that and rightfully so because they're thinking from their diffused brain. However, it is not making the same sense in a man's mind. He's not doing it to be an asshole or to put the task on you, which is what women think when they're like, "Well, it's obviously overflowing, so he must not be doing it because he wants me to do it, right?" And the same thing with the weaponized incompetence sort of thing. I'm not saying that men never do that because I'm sure that there are some men that do pretend they're not good at something so they don't have to do it. But that is a key point because a woman, if she does not understand that, she's not going to ask right or she's going to be like, why do I need to ask, it's sitting right there, right? So that is really the most important thing that I feel like women need to understand from this book because if you don't understand that, then you won't understand the rest of the things. You won't understand why you need to ask. You won't understand what this is going to do for a man and how it's going to make him feel because you'll be too stuck on, well, he has eyes, why can't he take the trash out, right? And so that's why we needed to back up a little bit. I didn't want to get too far into the other part. I mean, you know, rewind and go back to what we just said before this if you need to hit it home better. But I feel like that is what is the biggest thing that women need to realize. And I even was talking to our daughter about it in the car because she was upset about a boy and she was like, "Well, why didn't he apologize?" Like, it was obvious I was upset. And I was like, "To us it's obvious." He was just working on his math homework. Like men don't think the same. And so I explained the same thing to her. And it's not an excuse for all men because some of these things are actually happening and some of these things are like being used by men, you know, in their own way because maybe they are ignoring some of the things and things like that. But it is important because it is a core truth that is not talked about enough. Because it plays into not only the romantic relationship but also the intimate relationship. That's why women need to be built up more because our brains are literally even when we're laying there with you guys, it's like, "Oh crap, I forgot to do this or like tomorrow I have a dentist appointment." Like you're using foreplay to quiet all those voices. Whereas a man, that's also why he can be literally talking about the saddest subject and then immediately be like, "Alright, let's have sex." And women are like, "What the heck just happened?" because they go from one single focus to another single focus.

Nicole: The most important thing I took from the book, and I think it's the most important thing for women to understand, is the moment you switch your brain from expecting men to have a diffused focus to realizing they literally can't do it. Using the examples I just gave proves that's the case. You realize why you have to ask for things or why you need to ask for help, or why this means so much to him and why it's a good thing. Because you shouldn't look at this and think diffuse focus is better.

Nicole: A man with a single focus might notice the trash but he's working on something else that's more important, and he needs to get it done so he can serve you in some other way. If he stops what he's doing to now take out the trash, he's not going to accomplish the thing that he needs to get done. That's important because he's prioritizing these things, right? And I think women know what it's like when they try to get men to do multiple things at one time and none of the stuff gets done, right? But that's also why they need to realize this is like, yes, we can do that, right? But men cannot and we've seen it and we're still denying it. We're still expecting them to act like us. And then when we try to get them to act like us, they don't do it right. So, we're like, why can't you just multitask like we can? But the reality is he's not going to be able to. So, if you instead focus on giving him one single thing at a time, then you will get much better results rather than trying to turn him into a woman essentially. It's not a bug, it's a feature. It's a man operating that way on purpose. It helps him to accomplish things. If he was diffuse focus, can you imagine if all men were running around with diffuse focus? Then a lot of stuff wouldn't get done that needs to get done.

Nicole: If anything, women need to be a little bit more singular focused, to be honest. She even mentions in the book that men will prioritize things that women will be like, why did you go and get a massage? We have all this stuff to do. But men will go and get a massage if they feel like that will help him in all the other things that he needs to get done. And women do not come from that place. They will wait till the very last minute, so they're in desperate mode until they're literally about to have an emotional breakdown and then they might do it, but then they're so still so stressed that it's not actually rejuvenating them. So, in a lot of ways, women need to operate a bit more like men because we do get more frazzled the more things we try to focus on at one time. I'm not saying be totally singular focused and have blinders on because a lot of things will be left behind, but maybe not as many branches reaching out in different places and participating in self-care before you get to burnout stage. Then you're able to pour more into everybody else because you poured into yourself. Until you realize that and accept that as your truth, you're not going to understand any of the other stuff. You're going to constantly be wondering why can't a man act the way that I act, right? And that's not going to happen. And you don't want that to happen.

Nicole: And that's a big theme of the book, too. Initially, she's talking about to the women she's mentoring that the reason why you're so upset with men, why you think men are scum and bad and wrong, is because you're comparing them to what you think is the perfect woman. Compared to the perfect woman, they're lazy, dumb, whatever, all of these things, and they're obnoxious. But that's not the standard you should be comparing men to. It should be to a man's standard of what he is because it's different. The superior version of the woman is not better. Women sometimes think it's because this is how the world should work. But there's also another perspective of where the man's coming from and the things that he's able to do and provide for because he views life in a different way. He's performing well as a man. He has a different reward system, different things that motivate him. There's a reason to why he's doing that. And you should figure out what there must be some good reason for, right? Which she says to even ask that, like why are you doing it this way? I know there must be a good reason for it, I'm just curious. Like coming from a place of curiosity because our brains do work differently. We can't compare each other in the way because, like you said, a lot of women, and I've done this as well, we're comparing men to women like we want them to be like us when that's not actually what we really want.

Nicole: And we also want him to do romantic things or do things without asking, but that's not realistic either. Like, yes, you should not ask a man to fill your stocking at Christmas. He should do that, right? But if he doesn't, the more that you tell him though that you need love shown to you in those ways, which is still a conversation and still telling him what you need, then you will get those things. So, it still needs to be communication. You still need to let him know the things that you need or the ways that make you feel loved or the ways that he helps you. And I think that women use their women brain and expect men to just know. And again, because we come from a place of romance and love, we're comparing men to a woman that comes from a place of romance and love. And so, when men don't get it, we're like, why can't you just know?

John: How do they not get it? This is so obvious. Where men come from a place of more sexual desires and then men have the same sort of issues with women, right? Because they're like, "Well, why don't they just get it? Like, this makes so much sense." And so the more that we understand the differences in each other and accept those and work with those things rather than against them and trying to change each other into different things, then the more beneficial the relationship will be and the healthier it'll be and the more in love you'll be and the more you'll appreciate your partner as well too.

Nicole: Yeah. And the stocking is a great example because even that example, it's better to tell a man like if he's not doing it, he should, right?

John: I agree.

Nicole: But if he's not doing it, it's better to tell him not to say, "Hey, you should fill my stocking at Christmas." Because again, that's the wrong approach. But to say, you know, if you put stuff in my stocking, it would make me feel so loved and appreciated. It would make me feel really special, right? Then he's gonna do it.

John: It would be better to have that conversation than to go year after year being bitter and angry because you're waiting for him to do it. Right. 'Cause he's not if he hasn't learned it yet, but if you say you don't have to say, "Hey, fill my stocking like or it hurts me that you don't fill my stocking." You could say that. I mean, that's okay. There's no reason why you couldn't have that conversation if you want to, but it would be more productive if you said, "You know what would make me feel really loved at Christmas time is if you filled my stocking with some special things as well."

Nicole: That's it then. Well, and then if you say that and he still doesn't do it, then you have a whole another set of things to deal with. But yeah, that is the better way to be. And I know that it does take some of the magic out of it. Yeah. But at the same time, what's the alternative if you realize the alternative is just being resentful, but then also to realizing that it's not from a place of a lot of times he just is trying to be an asshole. It's that he just it's not even popping up in his mind. And the more though that you tell him the things that make you feel loved and the things that you need and the things you need help with, the more he should be learning. This is also not an excuse for guys to just wait for a woman to tell everything that she needs. Like he should also be trying to learn from the things that she's bringing up and being like this makes me feel loved or like I need this from you or this provides me this. Like he should also be learning and trying to figure out those things on his own, right? But it is ridiculous to assume that someone's going to read your mind and know all the things that and maybe he, you know, has learned some of these things before you and you got lucky and that's good, but you're still going to need to talk to him about things that are specific to you guys and the things that you need and you know, things like that.

John: So yeah, the biggest kind of point was that point because I think that without that you can't get to the other things that she talks about about like because it all also contradicts a lot of things that you hear today like when she talked about asking a man for help, right?

Nicole: Oh yeah. Yeah. So many women are like, "I don't want to ask a man for help or he's just going to call me needy." And a lot of men say that or like, "I'm not going to do this for a grown adult." Men will say about women. And so like there are a lot of the opposite perpetuated, right? And that also makes it hard for women, right? Like reading the part about asking for help. Like I don't feel that way about you, right?

John: Yeah. But I know that a lot of women would read that and be like, I don't want to ask for help. Like, it's going to be held against me. It's going to, you know, he's going to call me lazy or helpless or whatever. And she does go into like what actually is helpless, which is like needing help with things that you should be able to do, but those are very like extreme versions.

Nicole: Yeah. 'Cause there's the difference between being lazy and asking for help, you know? Like lazy is like I don't even want to think about this or I just want you to solve this problem for me which again even if that's the case if you then do it in the right way. Yeah. If you're like I really just want to be able to relax. It would make me feel so good if you could just do this and be my hero or whatever it is.

John: Hey, I'm all about it now because now you're giving me an incentive to do it because I'm going to make you happy as opposed to you're just dumping something on me because you're lazy. Like that's there's a difference in and then how it's presented because maybe you don't feel like doing that's fine. But saying it that way, asking for help in that way, you know, in the right way, then it's going to activate the things that you know 'cause men want to be the hero. They want to be the knight in shining armor regardless of what they say. All men want to. They want to step up, but they need to feel like they're needed and that they're appreciated for doing that. And a woman has to swallow some of her pride in order to do that and be vulnerable and say I need help or I like this this would make me feel appreciated or I would love this or I want this you know because then a guy feels like oh wow if I do this thing then like I'm getting to be the hero. I get to be the you know so yeah.

Nicole: So I think it's well and a lot of women might not believe that right? A lot of women might be like, "He's not going to care. Like, he's not going to be happy that he's the hero." Like, my man doesn't think like that. But the reality is he does, but you've probably emasculated him so much that you're not he's you're he can't he feels like he can't make you happy, right? So, he's giving up. He's not getting any good feelings.

John: You're never seeing him be happy from doing things for you because you're not showing that you're happy he's doing the things for you. So, for a lot of the women that are listening to this and they're like, "My husband's not happy doing things for me. Acts like it's a chore and he acts like he doesn't want to do it or he just doesn't do it." That's probably because you've never appreciated him for doing it. You've never told him what it means to you. You've emasculated him, all of these different things that have caused you to not reap the benefits of providing that to your man because it not only benefits him, it benefits you. It puts him in a better mood. He feels good about himself and then in turn, he showers you with those things and he's also giving you the thing that you're asking for which is helping you.

Nicole: And I think she said in this book, if I recall, because there was the one woman that had the problem with her husband, that she was saying that look if a man doesn't feel like he can make you happy, he'll try for a long time but then he's going to give up. And then he's going to go somewhere else where he feels like he can make a woman happy, right? So, he's going to go somewhere else, right? And it's not to be like a threat like, "Oh, your guy like someone's going to cheat on you." But in reality, he's not going to stay with you because if he feels like he can't make you happy and he doesn't have when he's in a relationship, like I said, the source of a man's pride in a relationship and his sense of satisfaction and fulfillment comes from him knowing that he can make his woman happy. If he has no ability to do that, whether that be in bed, in daily life, he gives up. He's defeated. He needs to be able to do that. And so otherwise, he doesn't see the point of being in a relationship if he can't do that because that's what his mission is. Men are mission-focused. The mission is to make her happy. That's what you know and so I think that's important to understand is that like a lot of men will check out and give up because they just feel like they can't do it. It's not worth the effort because nothing is going to make her happy, right? And if he's already checked out or you're like, he can't make me happy or any of those things, the one thing that you can do is start appreciating the things that he does do and give him the praise. And like Allison Armstrong says, the points for those things. And it might turn things around for you. But it also might not like I mean I guess for you is there a point that men never like come back from because the hard part is you say that men will leave but a lot of times they don't actually leave. They don't initiate the divorce. They don't actually separate. They just go out and find somebody else. Probably exactly at that point because they're going to find a way to get there. Everyone always, everyone doesn't matter who you are. You will find a way to get your needs met. Everyone, this is a golden rule that everyone should realize about anyone in any relationship, any situation you're in. You can never prevent a person from getting their needs met. They will find some way to get their needs met if you deny it from them. Well, I'm trying to say, is there a way to come back before it gets to that point? If the man is like already kind of heading in that direction, is there a way that a woman can bring it back? Besides what I just said, like what would that take?

John: I think so. I don't think it even takes a lot, honestly. If he can really feel hopeful again that he can make you happy, then he would rather do that. He'd rather do that than be with another woman. He'd rather do that than go and spend long hours in the office. He would rather do that. So, he might not believe it at first. So he's going to see are you really serious about this? But I think it's like a man's giving up is not final, a woman's is. So in many relationships when the relationship dissolves, right, the woman files for a divorce or whatever or goes out of the relationship, breaks it off or whatever and the man, he hasn't even processed it yet. He, the woman at that point, she's already been in the relationship for 6 months or a year or however many years of it not working and her trying to fix it and her needs not being met. And by the time that she is done with the relationship, she's done for good. She's not coming back. Well, she trusts you as a man. She's completely settled it because she's already talked about it with her girlfriends. They've already discussed it. She's already come to the conclusion that this is done when she's done, right? The man has not. Again, maybe it's because of his singular focus because he's distracted by other things. He's not so relationship-focused. So, there's hope. It's way easier for a woman to bring a man around than a man to bring once a woman has signed those papers once she said, "We're done. Good luck, man. Good luck." Because she's already been fighting this battle for however many years. But a man, he could be turned around. That's good to know. So even just showing appreciation and asking for help in little ways if you're listening to this and realizing maybe your relationship has fallen into this sort of rut that those things can help turn your relationship around.

Nicole: But I feel like a lot of women too, again, it's realizing that men aren't women and to stop judging a man based on what we do and how we think and really try to understand them for who they are. And I feel like that's where this book is really good because it shows how men are in ways that women don't even realize. And that maybe we don't even really see. But that's also because we've kind of shut that side down in a man by trying to make him more like a woman from the very beginning. So, I just feel like that part's really important and I feel like that understanding women need in order to understand all the rest of it, right? And I think that's part of notes here on the emasculation trap.

John: Women unintentionally emasculate men by treating them like hairy women with the same emotional needs. If you're judging them by that standard of a perfect woman, then you're constantly criticizing them, and they're constantly falling short and letting you down. They're not women, right? And you're not appreciating the masculine element. They're being judged by a standard they can never meet, that they shouldn't even meet. So, they feel emasculated. They feel like a woman thinks she knows better. Like, "You're not as good as me." And when a man feels like that, because a man has to be looked up to. If he's not looked up to by women, he's completely defeated or deflated. In fact, she talks about how the shoulders slump and how even little boys, when they're emasculated, how women sometimes use that to take the power away from a man because they know that they can do that and it will take his power. The hero words, do you remember the full language of heroes? I remembered the first one's "provide," right? And then I think it's "need help." Yeah, I know the last one's "hero." No. Yeah, the last one's "hero." Fourth, "blend." I can't remember the fourth one.

Nicole: I can't remember, but I remembered it the other day. But I think there was something else I was going to say while you were talking and then I lost it about all of this hairy woman emasculating emasculation trap. Women emasculate men by comparing them to perfect women. Oh, I was going to say that when women get disappointed by comparing men to hairy women, that is something that they can't really fault a man for, right? But when a woman does tell a man what she needs and he still doesn't do it, then that is on him and that will cause her to not trust him and to not respect him. I also want men to understand that if a woman is doing these things and you're still letting her down, or you're not doing them, you're not listening. It's not saying it has to be perfect, but if you're not really listening, then that is going to create a problem. It's her problem if she's comparing you to a woman, right? And she's not telling you and she's expecting you to just know how to romance her, whatever, or take out the trash because it's overflowing. Like, that's on her. But if she's like, "Hey, I need you to take out the trash because that would just provide me the ability to feel feminine and focus on cooking a nice meal for you and our family," and does it in the proper way and you still choose to not do it, then you can't really blame it on your singular focus or the things that make a man feel good. Like, and again, I'm not saying if he misses like a day, it's not the end of the world, but women also have to feel like if she does these things, it's going to make a difference. If he doesn't respond to these things, he doesn't love you. That's it.

John: Whoa. It's true. Because if that does not engender a response in a man's heart, then he doesn't love you. Okay? Then you need to leave because he doesn't love you.

Nicole: Okay, that's good. I mean, like, no, I'm just saying that because that's a good hard truth. If you love a woman and she's telling you something that would make her happy, ways that you can provide for her, ways that you can make her feel good, and she's giving you that and doing it the right way, and that does not compel you to want to do it. It doesn't have to be perfect. But if you don't feel like it, then that's also not the woman for you. You don't love that woman because it should make you feel like "I want to be this woman's hero." If you don't feel like that, then it's not the right woman or you don't love her. You know, she doesn't love you. So, yeah, I wanted to bring that up because I do think that's important because I'm sure there's some people that feel like, does my man even want to be my hero? And a lot of it is probably you emasculated him and he does but you've never given him the chance. But some of it might be that he doesn't want to be her hero. Right. Exactly. And the key also is to not use this to manipulate men because there's actually an instance in the book and she cautions against it a lot in the book, but there's an instance where one woman in the book uses it to emasculate her husband but like uses it to lure him in and he's like, "Oh, I finally get to make her feel happy." And then she just twists it and stabs him with it. Exactly. She's like, "Yeah, if you took out the trash, it would provide for me you not being a lazy son of a bitch or whatever." And it's like, and then it's like now you've used that word and now you're never going to get that back because now he's been hurt by that and emasculated by it. Well, now he can't trust you. Right. Exactly. You found out the thing that would make him happy and you used it against him.

John: I think the other big thing was understanding the value of a man's opinion to him versus women have opinions that are just opinions, but a man's opinion is him; it represents him. That also made a lot of sense but also at the same time, I would like you to talk more about that because she mentioned it and it makes sense when I read it, seeing how you can get with your opinions and if I don't agree with your opinions, and then reading her talk about how women are listening to opinions to agree or disagree with opinions and how opinions are different for men. So, I'm curious about your perspective more about you feeling like your opinions are who you are and why that is the way that it is because I do feel like, like you said, to women, opinions are more like they're constantly can change. Women change their opinions a lot based on their emotions, right? And so, we don't associate our opinions. Well, besides maybe like we

Speaker 1: Talked about with the love is blind thing, right? Like that's kind of like identifying your opinions as who you are. But right, I don't feel like men do it in that way. But maybe sometimes they do actually. Like it's more of an attack on his character when you're just talking about opinions. And so I'm curious from your perspective like how that happens and why and just more detail about that.

Speaker 2: Yeah. So I think, well, like what you're saying with the love is blind thing, with those opinions, they're not well-researched opinions. They're opinions that someone's decided to hold on to because it feels good. Whereas I think a man looks at, you know, for me, for instance, my opinions are things that I have deeply researched, that I have spent hours philosophizing in my mind, that I have looked at data and facts, and they didn't come lightly. They represent they're based off of my value systems and my core beliefs and who I am as a man, my principles. And so that's why they carry just as much weight as anything to me, right? So to reject, make fun of, not see the wisdom in my opinions to me is just a complete rejection of myself. It's the worst thing that you can do. Like you're saying that you don't value me at all is how I perceive it because it's so much of a part of how it's not something that's just like we talked about in the other book about how a woman will change her emotional state. You said like an EKG. A man does not. And it's the same thing with opinions. Some women might change their opinions based on how she feels or some piece of information tugs on her heartstring so now she's over here and you know, and whereas as a man, it's like these are my principles, this is what I have come to understand and believe about this world, and I'm the one who's supposed to be leading and guiding. And so if you reject my opinion, my counsel, my wisdom on the subject, then how am I leading you? How do you trust me? How can I, you know, it calls into question all that. So that's why it becomes a huge crisis situation for a man when his opinion is not respected, when it's treated lightly because it represents, at least for me, for all of those things.

Speaker 1: What happens when you get new information that might change your opinion though?

Speaker 2: Then, yeah, then hopefully, I mean, me, myself, I can speak for myself, is that then I alter my opinion. There's so many things that I have changed my entire view in life. One of them being love. One of them being how a man should act. How a man should, you know, I remember the first time I read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Before I read that book, I was all about consequences, like that criticism. You shouldn't give people praise. You should give them criticism. That's what I believed. I was like, why should you give people praise? Like don't cuddle them. Give them criticism, like tell them what's wrong, like they need to be able to handle this. And then after I read that book, I realized that no, that's actually wrong. You never ever are going to correct someone's behavior by criticism. No one ever believes that.

Speaker 1: But what about men? You just said telling them that they're stop being a little [__] Help that praise.

Speaker 2: Well, but that's different because it's not meant in a critical nature. Even though it's not, those are critical words, right? It's actually uplifting. This is a man language that I will never be able to uplift thing because as another man, you, we see it in each other's eyes that stop being a [__], but yeah, because that's so you can see it in your eyes whether it's a loving stop, you could tell a man in a very harsh way to stop being a little [__] someone who's not your bro, you know, and that it's a different thing at that point. But what I'm saying is so that shifted my opinion on that. That's just one example. There are so examples in life. So, but I realize that not all men are, sometimes men can be stubborn and a lot of men are not like that, and they don't listen to, I mean, we hear it all the time in our comment section of guys that will not be convinced of their, but even those guys, they're still believing something like they're still, that's why these guys are so about their crazy factions of the manosphere or whatever is because there's something core to them that it represents who they are. And when you don't realize that and you confront them in that way, then you're not going to get a man to compromise who he is. You can convince him with new information, but you have to respect his current opinion in order to give him new information. If you don't have respect for his current opinion, you don't have respect for him, he's not going to listen to you. Even the guy, the famous Facebook guy that's now my friend in who's in the Philippines. I had to respect his opinion first.

Speaker 1: Mhm. And then he listened to me and then he became my friend even though he started off with f you and all this. Well, in the book too, she talks about using men's opinion not to agree or disagree but to figure out what kind of man he is. And that can be hard, especially if his opinions are very like abrasive and negative like the guys in the comment section like you said. It would be very hard to like try to dig in there and be like, "What is this core thing that he means?" And you can ask him, you know, like why do you feel this way? and you'll probably get to what the actual thing is. But like you said, I think it's important for women to not be listening to a man's opinion to agree or disagree to kind of like turn that part of your brain off, right? And instead listen to what he has to say. It doesn't mean you have to agree with it. It doesn't mean any of those things, but to try to figure out what his opinion means about him, right? And especially if you're dating, that's I feel like important to figure out if you want to be with this person or not. Like I'm not saying like in the term of like the love is blind situation, but right like a man's opinion will tell you a lot about who he is, right? His like why? Because take like a divisive example like from the whatchamacallit show like let's take the Black Lives Matter thing, right? And if he's like no, I don't like it. this is why and this is right but he you can you can have different

John: Like, you might not agree with that. You might have a different perspective on it, but if you listen to why he's saying what he's saying, right, whether you had initially agreed or not, or you do eventually agree, or whatever, you can see where he is coming from. Is he coming from a place where he's like, "Oh, these people are stupid, they're dumb, they're retards," or whatever? If he's saying stuff like that, okay, you know what his character is based on that. If he's saying, "Look, I feel like they're fraudulently representing this. It's not accurate. Like, all people should be treated equally." Okay, you might disagree. That's fine. But now you understand where he's coming from, and that is his core value that he's telling you. So, that's where I'm saying, like in the other episode too, it's like, don't worry about these little pieces of things. Understand where is in fact, you know, the best book on this is actually Nonviolent Communication. So, Nonviolent Communication, his whole strategy is to get to someone's being abrasive. They're saying kind of stuff that's a little off-color sometimes, even it's like, what's the deeper thing behind that? What's some need that's behind that?

Nicole: That's creating that emotion that they're really trying to, what are they scared of? What is it? You know what I mean? And that's what, if you dig down to that, then you see what they're really about, right? But yeah, that makes sense. Alright. What else do we have on this?

John: I think there's a few conflict as unmet needs. Reframing fights as unmet needs to solve together. Again, that's pretty much Nonviolent Communication right there. I don't know what else. What do you think?

Nicole: What we know with the notes is we hit all the points. I mean, we talked about the language. I mean, you really just need to read the book as a woman. It's a really good book.

John: Yeah, it is. It is a good book. It puts things into perspective. It shows you actual examples of how to deal with a lot of the things that we've talked about, especially if they're new to you, and gives you a perspective of men that's still from women, but in a more positive way. And one thing that she talks about too is that it's very hard because that's another part of the book where the woman uses these tips for the wrong reasons. One of the women is friends with this woman, and she realizes she can't be friends with this woman. And the thing is that I get that it's a fine line. You don't want to not have empathy for her, and she does have empathy for her, and she's trying to help her throughout the book basically. But there might come a time where you can't associate in the way that you did with people who hate men or who, you know, assume the worst in men. And I wouldn't say that I hated men before you and I got together, um, but I had negative views of men, right?

John: Yeah.

Nicole: And it's again hard not to, just like it's hard for men not to have negative views of women, right? You know, based on their experiences and things like that. But the reality is that the more we focus on those things, though, the further we get from focusing on the good in men and the good in women. Yeah. And we need to get back to focusing on the good in people because we've already gone so far as a society of focusing on the bad that if we keep going this way, it's just going to get worse and worse. It's not going to get better. And don't pick and choose, right? It's like even if you're like, "Well, John's an exception to the rule." Well, it shouldn't be because the thing is for everyone is, you know, I try to look at when I see women, I try to look at her as a little girl, no matter how obnoxious she is or what kind of crazy beliefs or whatever kind of crazy stuff, feminist type of things that's going on that I might disagree with. I see the feminine heart in her as a little girl, and that's beautiful. And that's in all women. I'm not picking and choosing. Men have the little boy inside who's wearing the cape and wants to be a hero. And no matter how the guy's presenting himself, how much angry, kind of women-hating stuff he's spewing, ultimately, you know that inside there's a little boy in there wearing his underwear on his head. Yes, that is a Master of Disguise reference, wearing a cape who just wants to be some girl's hero. He's got his heart broken a lot along the way, right? And crushed and maybe he's been emasculated and that's why he hates women, but there's still that little boy in there. And that's in all men. And so if we can see the beauty in all women and see the beauty in all men and realize that there's a lot of stuff that has twisted us and has made us bitter and not the best masculine or feminine versions of ourselves, but it's dulling our light, right? But we can appreciate that that beauty does exist. Then that makes all the difference. And it's the same thing, you know, the other book that I was telling you about, that Xan Perion book, The Alabaster Girl, and I told you some stories, you know, where he was making just women who he wasn't even attracted to feel beautiful and taking them around in his arm and displaying them to because he was treating all women. He's good with women, the guy who wrote this book, and I'm sure he's had many encounters and sexual encounters with a lot of different women. But the reason why he's had that success is because whether she's a grandma or a woman that is not conventionally attractive, he treats them all the same as wonderful feminine beauties. And he sees that in them. And that's how we have to be with each other. You know what I mean? We don't give ourselves enough credit that we can influence people for the better. And to be honest, we've been influencing people for the worst because we're expecting the worst. But just like if you're kind to somebody, that makes them more likely to be kind or in a better mood. If you try to bring out the best in a man as a woman or vice versa, the man tries to bring out the best in a woman. Yeah. You will usually get that. I'm not saying that you will 100% of the time. No. But you're way more likely to if you come from that place than a place of hating that person. Like, you will never get the thing that you want from hating that thing.

John: Yeah, you have to love that thing, like you said. Instead of using our influence to perpetuate more hate or, you know, distance between men and women, we need to perpetuate it in a way of loving each other and appreciating our differences, like we talk about all the time on this podcast. That's why we started this podcast, to try to get people to see the good in the opposite sex because there is good. And the more you focus on that, the more you will get of that. And it's just what the world needs in general because we've gone so far in the opposite direction. And I get it from all sides why people are upset. But that's just getting us further and further away from the healthy loving relationships that everybody really wants. And so it's time to make a change. It's time to appreciate each other. It's time to love each other. It's time to influence each other in the right direction instead of the wrong direction.

Nicole: Absolutely. And in that "Alabaster Girl" book, Zan says that a man who loves women is loved by women.

John: Mhm. And it's true the opposite as well. A woman who loves men is loved by men. If you're looking for the right guy, but you hate men in general, you're not going to find him. You're going to push him away because that guy's also a man, right? But if you appreciate masculinity and men and think men are not horrible creatures, they're wonderful creatures. Sometimes they're a little out of sorts and whatever, but if you truly see that in your heart, then yeah, you're going to have success. You're going to find you're going to attract the right guy.

Nicole: So true. Well, this is good. I think this is super valuable. Like I said, it's the top one I would recommend to women. Would you recommend this one or "The Empowered Wife" more, or "The Surrender"?

John: I think you should read this one first. Then read the other one because I think your defenses will be down from this one rather than starting with the first one. Not saying that Laura Doyle makes it attacking a woman by any means, but I feel like again a big aspect of this is women understanding men and their singular focus and that they're a little boy deep down and they want to be a hero. Those are very core fundamental things that I feel like make learning all the other things easier because now you're not competing, but he's not a hairy woman anymore. He's a man, right? And so you can treat him that way rather than treating him like a woman that just doesn't know. Because I feel like Laura Doyle doesn't really talk about that. She's kind of like let him flounder and you know he'll eventually get it which still kind of at times can feel like you're kind of babying him rather than telling him like I need you to handle the finances because that will make me have the opportunity to feel like I don't have those stressors on me and it'll provide me a lot of peace in my life and that can translate into other aspects of our house because I can use that energy somewhere else. Like she doesn't get to that part in the way that she, Allison Armstrong, does. But that's not to say that what Laura Doyle talks about is not also beneficial. But I feel like if you read this one first, you'll understand even that one in a better way. And you might even have a better way of tackling some of the issues that Laura Doyle talks about.

Nicole: Yeah. And these are books that you should reread, too. I think these are books like the ones for men, like "The Way of the Superior Man," "The Masculine Relationship," "Alabaster Girl," reread those books. Women should reread these books like at some interval, maybe once a year, every couple of years or so, just to remind yourself of these things because they're important. Those are the things that are really going to influence you into making your relationship great and showing up the way that you should. And again, like I said at the beginning of this podcast, there's not a lot of resources for women to know what they actually need to do in their relationship.

John: Right. So, there's a lot of popular psychology books, but those do not take into account the masculine and feminine, and they don't really make a man feel like he's really understood. And in this book, I read it first to make sure. I'm like, and then I was like, this book is 100% in like this is what men think. This is how men feel 100%.

Nicole: Well, and I think too, again, just adding that I think the perspective shifts of really understanding men and how they're different helps. Because I also read a book last year, I think I mentioned in one of the podcasts, called "Loving Him Well." It's by a pastor. It is more religious, but he also talked about literally the different brain chemistry in men and women. And I feel like as a woman, understanding that breaks you out of the expecting a man to be a woman like up to a woman's standards. And so that's why I guess I feel like it's so important for women to really understand that we're not the same so that they can stop holding men to the same standard and start actually being happy for the things that men do for them and learning how to get what they want from men in the right way that resonates with men, not trying to turn them into a woman so that they just know all this stuff because they never will in the way that we do.

John: Exactly. And vice versa. So yeah, I guess that's why it really is impactful knowing the differences because I feel like it helps women break out of that cycle of expecting men to act like women. And what's the mainstream narrative that's being shoved down everyone's throats is that men and women are the same.

Nicole: Yeah. That's why it's we're the same in the sense of we're human beings, but you have to acknowledge and it's not a bad thing to acknowledge that we're different because it helps you communicate and operate better, right? When you actually acknowledge and honor the differences, that's the difference. You need to honor the differences. Like it's not a bad thing. It doesn't make one better than the other. That's what I feel like trips people up because the thing is, men need women and women need men and even if you're in a same-sex relationship, it's the masculine and feminine dynamic that creates the harmony.

John: These are just awesome tips both in the way of the superior man and the Queen's code to handle if you're in a relationship, male and female relationship that you really understand. The ways to better communicate and to have a better relationship.

Nicole: Yeah. Well, good.

John: This is good. And if anyone knows other books out there that are, you know, of this level, I've searched high and low, at least on the masculine side, and I couldn't find anything on the feminine side till I found this book really in the Laura Doyle one. Like, so it's not it's hard to find this information.

Nicole: Yeah. So, if you know something better or not even better, but like, you know, something we're missing, definitely let us know because there's a few books on my Goodreads. They're like maybe not masculine and feminine but maybe a few that I need to get to kind of see but a lot of relationship books that I'm curious but I've read hundreds and hundreds of books on sexuality on men and women. I've read hundreds and hundreds of books and so it's been a hunt but that's why we're talking about these ones.

John: Yeah. So yeah makes a lot of sense.

Nicole: Alright. Well cool. We have no...

John: Nothing. I don't think so.

Nicole: So, no. Alright. Knock on wood, though. Well, definitely shoot us an email if you have a question for us if you'd like to be on the podcast as well as if you're in San Diego. Better than podcast@gmail.com. And, we appreciate any reviews, of course. And Banana Fingers is gone, but oh, wait. I didn't read the new review. So, that's, you know, how could you? You just assumed it was banana fingers still.

John: No, I knew it wasn't, but we hadn't done that in a while. Okay. "John and Nicole offer great perspectives around love and relationships. Their authentic conversations are refreshing. Give them a listen. A Thank you, John Roderick, who's also a guest on our podcast. But hey, it still counts. It's us."

Nicole: Alright, we'll see you guys next week. Bye.