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She's Coming For Your Husband [Ep 70]
· Gender Roles

She's Coming For Your Husband [Ep 70]

Can your relationship survive the ultimate test? John and Nicole explore why 95% of men might fail fidelity challenges, and how to build unshakeable devotion. Discover the keys to creating a relationship so strong, outside temptations become irrelevant.

What if your partner's loyalty was put to the ultimate test? John and Nicole dive deep into a viral TikTok trend exposing the fragility of modern relationships. They challenge listeners to confront an uncomfortable truth: are 95% of partnerships truly built on shaky ground?

The hosts unpack the complexities of fidelity, ego, and emotional intimacy. They explore why men might be more susceptible to outside attention, the role of women as relationship "thermostats," and the critical importance of active devotion. John shares personal insights from his coaching experiences, revealing how seemingly stable relationships can crumble under temptation.

In a vulnerable moment, Nicole expresses her struggle to reconcile the idea that most men might falter if tested. The couple engages in a raw discussion about trust, respect, and the pressure this knowledge places on women. Their dialogue highlights the delicate balance between understanding human nature and maintaining high relationship standards.

Ultimately, John and Nicole offer a roadmap for building unshakeable partnerships. They emphasize the power of proactive communication, setting clear boundaries, and continually investing in emotional connection. Listeners are challenged to elevate their relationships beyond societal norms, creating a love so strong that outside temptations become irrelevant.

Listen & Watch

In this episode, you'll discover:

"If you're not actively pursuing your partner, you're pursuing someone else." — John
"A woman always knows the health level of the relationship. You can't be blindsided by that." — John

📝 Click here to read the full transcript

John [00:00:00]: We're going to do an episode on the Tik Tok that I sent you this morning. I'll play the Tik Tok and then we can. We could talk about it.

Nicole [00:00:06]: Discuss, get.

John [00:00:06]: Let's see what people think about Tik Tok. About it. We can. Yeah.

Nicole [00:00:10]: Oh, we can call these Tik Toks.

John [00:00:12]: Tik Toks.

Nicole [00:00:13]: Stop. That's a good. You can't even lie. That's a good.

John [00:00:16]: I think someone else has done it, but it's fine.

Unknown_C [00:00:19]: All you women who thought it was such a good idea to comment on my video nasty things, this goes out to you. I am gonna find your husband's today and we have the first account already picked and I just want to see if her husband's attached. Let's see if your husband is gonna respond to me. Click. There's your account. We're gonna click your little Instagram there. Oh, I can't see any posts, but you do have your hubby tagged. Aw, Darren seems like such a nice name. I can already tell from his photo that he is very handsome. Oh, really?

John [00:00:56]: Look at that.

Unknown_C [00:00:57]: Follow. I don't follow very many people, but as soon as he accepts that, I'm going to show you. Let's move on to the next. Okay. Oh, we found another one. This is her comment.

John [00:01:12]: If.

Unknown_C [00:01:12]: I think if someone said this to my man in front of me, I'd be going to jail. Alright, miss, your Instagram is linked. Let's just see what happens. Oh my gosh. Your boyfriend is also linked. It says hers. We're gonna send him a little message. I said, hey, how's it going? Don't worry, I'll let you know what he says.

John [00:01:37]: Okay, so that's the clip. Beyond the perfect we discover through our flaws we complete each other Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find away. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship. What's your initial thoughts about this?

Unknown_C [00:02:08]: I have so many thoughts.

Nicole [00:02:11]: There are so many. Well, one, when she said that one of the bad comments was, if someone said this in front of my husband, I would go to jail. That's not really a bad comment.

John [00:02:20]: That's not really a bad comment. Yeah. That doesn't justify breaking up a marriage.

Nicole [00:02:24]: Stalking her and finding her husband.

John [00:02:26]: Yeah, that's pretty, pretty messed up.

Nicole [00:02:27]: Yeah. The biggest thing here is I agree with her in the sense of people shouldn't comment nasty things.

John [00:02:34]: Right, sure.

Nicole [00:02:36]: However, the way that she's handling this is equally as immature and ridiculous as leaving nasty comments. If anything, it's more because now you're like, like, I get that you're upset by a nasty comment, but you can delete it. You can block that person. You can do all those things. But now you're actively like seeking out somebody that is especially somebody's husband.

John [00:03:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:04]: And trying to cause drama.

John [00:03:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:08]: That's worse than leaving a nasty comment, in my opinion. I think they're both wrong.

John [00:03:12]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:13]: But I think you took one bad thing and now you're doing a even worse thing.

John [00:03:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:19]: Which I think is wrong.

John [00:03:20]: But it shouldn't even. It shouldn't be an even worse. It's only like a, A bad thing because we know that those husbands are going to respond.

Nicole [00:03:29]: I mean, I think it's a bad thing in general because she's starting drama just for the sake of it.

John [00:03:34]: And like, but I'm just saying, like the, the severity of it is. Is magnified because we know they're going to respond. Right. Like, and they shouldn't. Like, because if, if it was like, if you, if you know that they're not going to respond, then it's just an annoying. It's just like, are you doing like. But she knows that they are and that's what the. You know.

Nicole [00:03:56]: Yeah. Well, and I think it's the intention behind it too. Like, she's fighting fire with fire, which just makes everybody on fire.

John [00:04:03]: Yeah. Don't get me wrong. Like, I like the reason why I brought this one up, like why I sent it to you is not because I think what she's doing is in any way.

Nicole [00:04:10]: Like you don't agree with her tactics.

John [00:04:14]: Like, and what it just. I don't even know who this one. You know, like, I'm sure she's whatever. But I just saw it pop up on our. Our better than perfect feed because we have relationships. And then. But, but yeah. I don't condone at all what she's like, this is not good.

Nicole [00:04:29]: We should have watched what the video was that she's so upset about. The comments about.

John [00:04:34]: Yeah, I. I don't know. I don't know.

Nicole [00:04:36]: But I mean either way it doesn't justify behavior.

John [00:04:39]: But she just came up with this clever idea. I don't think it mattered what I think she just knew what a reason for doing it. But yeah, but, but I thought what was interesting about a talking point was not, not her behavior because is the women who commented and something about hey watch yourself. But then also the situation that she's uncovering, which is that how susceptible. Why should she even be able to do this? And for the fact that she can do this.

Nicole [00:05:12]: There was this other lady who came from, like, a better place. Like, it was more women who, like, suspected their husbands were cheating or something. Or maybe not even their husbands, their boyfriends.

John [00:05:24]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:24]: She would, like, talk to the woman and message the guy, and she was like this pretty model person.

John [00:05:31]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:31]: And then send it to the girl. Like, she'd be like, hey, I just like, found you on Instagram. And the guys would be like, oh, hey. And then she'd be like, are you single? And they'd be like, yeah, like, when they obviously weren't because, like, their girlfriend or whatever was messaging. So, yeah, like, the real thing is how many of these husbands are going to entertain this woman?

John [00:05:55]: Right? And it's going to be like 95% of them. Right.

Nicole [00:06:00]: That makes me physically ill.

John [00:06:02]: But. But we know that because we know what relationships are like. That's why we're trying to help people build a better. That's why it's funny when. When people are like, oh, you guys are crazy. You guys with the whole, like, not trusting each other and insecurities or like, no, girls night out. Guys night out. I can't go on a girls trip. I can't go on a guy. Like, you guys are crazy. You got to know each other's locations. Like, you're telling people this kind of stuff. It's like, yeah, but if this woman messaged your husband or boyfriend, what was going to happen? Right? Like, like, you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's just. That's why we're. Because we understand, because we know that that is the state that most people are living in.

Nicole [00:06:47]: I did see one lady say that. She was like, my husband would never entertain you. She commented that.

John [00:06:53]: But is that. Did it actually prove out to be.

Nicole [00:06:57]: But I mean, would you rather your wife comment that or comment like a lot of the other women saying, well, if you can. Oh, yeah, if you can take him, I don't want him or something, you can have him.

John [00:07:10]: And here's the thing, and this is why I think this, this whole thing is interesting, is because, like, even, like, like you're saying about the woman that was doing it in the right way, don't do this. Don't test your. It's not a good idea to do. To do the test, first of all, because you, you already know. But is it because you already know the answer?

Nicole [00:07:28]: All women are all. All men will fail because a majority.

John [00:07:31]: Of men will fail. And so work on that problem instead of trying to test what you know is already going to be a failure. Right? Like, because you really want to know the answer to that question. Because you already do know the answer to that question. Because if you have to ask, then you know the answer. And it is again, more like it's far more likely than man. Like, yeah, there's. There's tests where men test a woman and for loyalty and, you know, whatever. Usually they use a famous person to do it or someone has like a million followers or something like that that's.

Nicole [00:08:04]: They can just out to someone with a million followers.

John [00:08:06]: No, no, the man has a million. Oh, well, he will offer to do these tests. Right. I've seen.

Nicole [00:08:11]: Oh, so it happens on both sides.

John [00:08:13]: Yeah, but it's not a good idea. And. And women fail these tests. But I can guarantee you men fails a test more often.

Nicole [00:08:19]: Oh, I'm sure.

John [00:08:20]: Right in this. In this. In this area. So. But it's not a good idea to do the test because if you having to do the test, you already know the answer, and you don't want to put yourself in a situation where now you have to actually confront this.

Nicole [00:08:34]: So should you just break up with him?

John [00:08:36]: No.

Nicole [00:08:36]: If you're dating.

John [00:08:37]: No.

Nicole [00:08:37]: Like, obviously, if you're married, well, I.

John [00:08:39]: Mean, you should work on the relationship to build it to a place where you wouldn't be afraid of the test. You still shouldn't do the test because that's like. Unless it's like. But if you're at that point, you should just break up with someone. Because I was gonna say, if you're suspecting that they're already cheating on you, but at that point, you know, is there maybe if it'll give you some closure to be like, okay, yeah, there's the proof of it. But you already kind of know. Right? So. But. But my point is, is that, like, this just highlights, like, you know that the state of your relationship is bad if you're afraid of this. And sometimes if you're not afraid of it, but you. You're gonna. But if you're secretly afraid of this happening, then you know that you have work to do in the relationship because you don't have the love connection, intimacy to understand, to know for sure that this would not happen.

Nicole [00:09:33]: So what is. Because you're like, if you're afraid of this happening, even if you're not afraid of this happening, you're in kind of the same danger. So what is the. Where are you supposed to be.

John [00:09:42]: I think if you're secretly afraid of this happening, like, if you have a false sense of confidence of. Of this.

Nicole [00:09:48]: But where would you say then is a good spot? Like, just having the things implemented that we talk about. So that. But is that just keeping a man from doing what he would want to do?

John [00:09:59]: No, no, it's. It's about actually building the relationship. Right. Like those. Because when we're talking about those boundaries, we're talking about safeguards that are like. It's. It's like a safety on a gun. Right. The gun is still like the. You're. The safety on the gun is not. You're not like, oh, I got a safety on this gun. I'll just point it anywhere. Don't look at this. I got safety on. Like, you're not. You're not doing. You're not playing around with the gun just because you have the safety on. You're not playing around with your relationship just because, like, oh, we got our locations on and we don't do girl sign, guys. Yeah, it's like, no, that doesn't. Like, you still have to have gun training and know how to handle a gun. Like, you still have to know how to handle a relationship. You still got to be like, okay, this is a safety. It's a. It's an extra level of protection that we have.

Nicole [00:10:49]: And.

John [00:10:50]: But what really creates the true safety is having the closeness of the relationship, which is like the episode we did on Doing the Work, where you're dealing with issues, you're confronting those issues, you're developing yourself and building that strong relationship. Right.

Nicole [00:11:08]: So would you say that the woman's doing something wrong if the man's responding to girls in his DMs?

John [00:11:17]: Yes and no. Right. In the sense that she has to know that the relationship isn't where it needs to be. Right. She has to have some hint of that. And she's not probably. She's not either figuring it out and help in trying to do what she can, or making it known to the man that she wants something better and deeper. And again, it's really the man's responsibility. He's the leader. But she can't claim complete innocence in that, knowing that there's some amount of separation. Right. And we'll talk about. I think. Because you're reading the one book. The.

Nicole [00:11:59]: Which one? I'm reading two at the same time.

John [00:12:02]: Yeah. The way the Superior man. But more relevant, is the Queen code for women to understand. Because there are things that you could do as a woman. Right. We did talk about the surrendered wife and the empowered wife books. Right. So not to put the responsibility onto women, but I'm just saying there are things that you can do as a woman to improve the relationship, but you.

Nicole [00:12:23]: Can'T just say nobody's perfect. And so everybody in the relationship, even if you're not the man leading the relationship, you have to do your part too.

John [00:12:31]: Yeah, but, but it's not, it's not ever to blame someone, to say, oh, someone cheats on you or like, you know, is disloyal to you, that it's your fault, but it's the same.

Nicole [00:12:39]: A lot of people feel that way, though.

John [00:12:41]: Well, you do know you should. It is your responsibility to know the health level of the relationship. Just like when you're driving your car, if it runs out of gas, like, yeah, that can happen, but you should have been looking at the gas meter. And so it's, you know, it's kind of a similar type of thing is it's like you kind of know where that gas meter is in the relationship. I mean, I'm not saying that no one's ever blindsided, but not really. You could be blindsided by a person's actions, but not the health meter of the relationship. You know where that's at because you have to feel it. Especially as a woman, you feel where the relationship is at. There's no way that you're blindsided by that. Like, the actions of the guy, he might seem like perfectly low or whatever, he might do some fucked up shit. I can't. I can say, yeah, you could be blindsided by that, but the health level, the gut check of where the relationship's at, you can't be blindsided by that.

Nicole [00:13:43]: That's true. Well, so since you said that 95% of men would do this, you are essentially saying 95% of relationships are in danger.

John [00:13:54]: Yeah, I think so. I think even the statistics of divorce show that. What is it, like a 60 divorce rate? Right. And that's divorce. That doesn't mean, like, living in a bad relation. Like, like if the. 60. 60. Okay, so you can take 60 of relationships that will eventually end in divorce and you can toss them. You already know those are bad, right? So that only leaves you with 40% left. And if those. 40%, how many?

Nicole [00:14:25]: Only five that are good.

John [00:14:29]: It's, it's, it's. You see what I'm saying?

Nicole [00:14:31]: Like, it's very clear.

John [00:14:33]: Like, like that. No, that 40%. You think that those are just because you avoided divorce, Right? You're Going to have to now stratify that. That last 40% into saying, okay, like, on the edge of divorce. How much percentage is that? Probably, like 10%.

Nicole [00:14:50]: Okay, well, here's.

John [00:14:51]: And then, like, you know, if you stratify it up and then you get to, like, exceptional relationship, it's solid. It's probably only going to be 5% of that whole bunch.

Nicole [00:14:59]: Here's my other problem with this. Right. I bet of the 95, at least I'll go smaller than I want to. 25% of those men would probably tell you, though, that their relationship is good.

John [00:15:17]: Yeah, they would.

Nicole [00:15:18]: So how are you supposed to feel confident as a woman when your husband's telling you your relationship's good and telling other people your relationship's good, but he's entertaining other women on the Internet?

John [00:15:31]: Because your gut check of your health, of the relationship is, like, it could be good. But the intimacy level, a woman always knows that. She knows how close you are.

Nicole [00:15:40]: But where does, like, the accountability of a man lying about the relationship being good come in? Because I agree with you. Like, you should check in. You need to check the meter. You need to be realistic. But also, at the same time, if someone's telling you that the relationship is good, like, why would you not believe them? Or, like, then you as a woman have to be like, okay, well, something feels off, so can you tell me the truth? Like, then now she's taking the lead and like, yeah, I'm trying to fix the relationship.

John [00:16:12]: Yeah. I'm not trying to put the responsibility onto the woman. Yeah. And it's kind of weird that we even went this road with it to, like, almost shift the blame to, you know. Well, no, because it's not really.

Nicole [00:16:23]: I agree that, like, you probably, probably know deep down that there's something off. But my problem is the men, mostly because I know that there's plenty of men that aren't happy and they will entertain a woman that enters their DMs and whatever, but the ones that are claiming that they are happy and still entertain them, I don't fully understand that. And I get that they're probably not as happy as they think they are, but also, like, it's more hurtful, I feel like, for a man to say, yeah, I'm happy, everything's good, I like my relationship. And then still do that.

John [00:17:00]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:17:01]: Yeah. Because like you said, if a woman can sense the vibe or, like, they haven't been intimate and they're, like, not really talking to each other and things like that, like, she's gotta know that that's probably more of a possibility. It shouldn't be. Like, as a man, you should still be able to control yourself even if you're upset. Upset, Right. From doing things that are gonna hurt your relationship. Because that's not really gonna help.

John [00:17:24]: Right.

Nicole [00:17:24]: By creating more problems when you already have all these other problems. But like, I guess the most confusing are the men that seemingly have a happy relationship and would even say they do themselves and then choose to entertain other women.

John [00:17:40]: Look, I guess maybe I could put it this way is maybe. And it's. But it is. What it is is that if the man isn't actively pursuing you, he's pursuing someone else in the sense that if he's not actively pursuing you in the relationship, if the woman does not feel like that man is constantly going. Pursuing her. What I mean is building, trying to make the relationship stronger and better. That's what that. What is. Then he will probably be open to, receptive to other. It's not about happiness because a man can be happy, but it's not about that. It's like he actually has to be actively trying to build and increase the level of closeness in the relationship because that is what leading the relationship. Because if he's focused on that. Look, as a man, I don't. I don't want to build someone else's business. I'm building if I'm building my business. But if I'm not building my business, then maybe I'm like over here and doing this one or this opportunity, you know what I'm saying? But if I have my thing and I'm focused on it and I see it growing and I'm building that thing, I'm not tempted by other. This is the thing that I'm devoting my energy and effort too. But if I'm not devoting my energy and effort to something, then my energy and effort can be. Can be diverted to something.

Nicole [00:19:08]: But how can a woman feel safe and secure then with any man unless they have the security things that are put in place that we've talked about? Like, because. Yeah, again, if you're not putting the blame on women. I can't hear anything you're saying without feeling like I hear it's women's fault. Because why is it not men's fault? It is to keep his focus on the one person.

John [00:19:34]: I guess what I'm saying is I'm telling a woman how she can know.

Nicole [00:19:37]: Right?

John [00:19:37]: Okay. And how she should already suspect and know because. And the only reason why I'm saying it that way is because it's going to come to a shock to a lot of these women that these guys are going to respond to this woman because they're going to think that everything's solid. But in their really deepest of hearts, they know that that intimacy that they want to have, it's not there. And that man's not continuing to invest in them. Right. But let's not be wrong squarely. The responsibility and the leadership and the blame. I don't even like to use blame, but it falls on the man. Because in no way, no matter who you are as a man in a committed relationship, you should not be responding to any.

Nicole [00:20:30]: Well, if the tables were turned too, like you said, if some guy with million followers or Leonardo DiCaprio messaged your wife, it's her fault. If she responds. It's her choice. She doesn't have to. So the thing is, it's really, whoever's fault is responding back to these people.

John [00:20:49]: Really like the word fault or blame. Because I would tell the guy it's your fault that she responded to Leonardo DiCaprio. Because it's like if you haven't made your woman feel special enough, if you haven't done things, if you're not actively. If you don't understand and, and know her well enough, whether it is that you have access to her phone or you don't even need to because you know where she is and what she's doing. Again, not from a weird, controlling type of perspective, but because you have an interest in her life.

Nicole [00:21:19]: Transparency, like openness, perspective.

John [00:21:21]: Because your lives are so joined that you know where each other is at all the time and what each other is doing and what each other's thinking. Like, that's, that's not from a weird, controlling, I have to monitor everything type of perspective, but from, from that, then, then, yeah, you, you screwed up as, as a man, so.

Nicole [00:21:36]: But, you know, I still think it's whoever reached out because you have a choice.

John [00:21:42]: Yeah, it is. Like, there's levels to this or then.

Nicole [00:21:45]: It'S everybody's fault then, right?

John [00:21:47]: It's like you're responsible for your own actions, but as a man, ultimately, you're responsible for the relationship and the woman and the family and, and whatever happens in that is your ultimate responsibility. Like you failed in some way as a, as a man. Like, you either failed to vet or to dismiss a woman that shouldn't be in your life or to instruct her or to, you know, to have that or to build the relationship or to fulfill her. Like some way you failed As a man in this circumstance, which is fine. Which is a message I would give to a man. I won't tell a woman some way you've failed because you're a man, you know? But what I'm saying is that the only way that you failed as a woman is to identify, to listen to your intuition of what the strength level of the relationship intimacy level is. Because you have that meter that a man doesn't have. I know all women know by intuition where the health of that relationship is. And when it's in the danger zone, or even if it's just not in the great zone, then. Then you can't be 100% surprised by.

Nicole [00:22:53]: How does that not put a lot of pressure, though? Because even I'm gonna be real right now, sometimes when I feel like you're upset with me, I don't think you're gonna go do something like that. But women have been conditioned to think, okay, if the man's unhappy, he's gonna go do something that he's not supposed to do.

John [00:23:16]: And that's not wholly a bad thing, because what does it cause you to do when you feel that way?

Nicole [00:23:22]: I mean, you're more likely to try.

John [00:23:24]: To fix the problem, to like, to try to get their relationship back up to the intimacy level, to restore, like. So it's like.

Nicole [00:23:31]: I feel like it is unhealthy, though, to be like. It's almost like a threatening sort of thing. And you don't threaten me.

John [00:23:39]: No, no, no.

Nicole [00:23:39]: But it's like things like this when you hear a man talk about, well, you know, if it's not at 100%, then it was bound to happen potentially, you know, Like, I don't like that. Like, it causes unnecessary anxiety. It makes you feel like you can't make a mistake. Look, and there can't be issues what.

John [00:23:59]: Whatever level our relationship is at, I mean, it's always at 150 billion percent. But, like, whatever level it is at, I would never, ever entertain any other woman. Right? Like, you know, so. But. But. So that should be, like, something that a man just does and is a way to live. And again, I have not lived in that integrity my whole life. Right? But I do now. And that's how, again, we talked about the other episode of, like, the pitfalls of, like, my path in life. But a man should live in that integrity 100%, right? So a woman shouldn't have to question, okay, if things aren't really, like, 100%, great, then is, you know, is he gonna not live in that integrity she shouldn't have to do that.

Nicole [00:24:52]: She can't trust you if you do that. Like, you're not a rock. If you guys get in a fight and you're gonna go message some Instagram model or respond to someone else, like, how are you the rock and the leader and the one that's running everything when you can't handle. When things aren't 100% and you go and make decisions that affect everybody.

John [00:25:13]: But there's a natural thing in the woman that when she feels like the relationship is not like this, that she's worried about those things and it's. And that's a good thing. Like, she shouldn't have to worry about it. The guy should, you know. But no matter what I ever say as a man, you're still going to feel that. Because it's a biological feeling. Because it is. The intuition that a woman should listen to is that you need things to always be like this. If they're not, then that's not good. So it's driving you to make things like this as much as possible. And so listen to that is what I'm saying.

Nicole [00:25:48]: Yeah. I don't think it's a bad thing in the sense of repairing. I think it's a bad thing in that a lot of men aren't actually the rocks that they think they are. And they're not actually living from a place of integrity and having morals and standards and things like that. That is where. Because some women, you know, they get in an argument and a man does go and do things like that almost to, like, punish her. And like, that's wrong. Like, even if she's wrong and even if she's treating you poorly, like, it lowers your value as a man. Right?

John [00:26:25]: It absolutely does. And then it. And it erodes trust in the. Like, you have to create a safety, a safe environment for a woman to bloom.

Nicole [00:26:33]: That's the only way.

John [00:26:34]: But you've seen it, because you know me now for long enough of my coaching of men that how many men are susceptible to. I'm not gonna name names, obviously, but I coach a lot of guys and I deal with this kind of them being open to advances from women a lot. And that's why when a man tells me about things, I don't even shame him about it. Cause I know that this is a reality of life, but I tell him how to strengthen the relationship so that it won't happen again. Right. But that's the thing is, if it's not actively not happening, if there's not an action to move the relationship in a higher place, then there's a danger, then it is under attack. Because it is under attack always from the outside world. Right. This is what we live in. And so if there's not a constant building, you know, that's why you got to be listening to this podcast every week and together and working. No, but seriously. But working on the relationship. Like, if you're not actively doing that, then. Then you're. You're under the danger of. Of that.

Nicole [00:27:40]: No, it's true. And I'm not saying this lady in this video is doing this.

John [00:27:44]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:45]: But I guess, too, before we got together, I didn't realize how many women go after men that are taken.

John [00:27:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:55]: And I mean, I'm sure there's a flip side, too, where men go after taken women, but I think it's more so that women are like, men don't go after taking.

John [00:28:03]: I mean, not actively. Unless you want to die. Unless you want to die as a man. Like, women go after taking men. Men generally. Like, if you're stupid.

Nicole [00:28:14]: Well, that's what that woman said in the comments. She was like, I'd go to jail if someone said that to my husband. So it's like. Like, she's trying to protect her relationship, just like you just said. And then that lady's messaging her husband.

John [00:28:26]: Not smart to mess with that kind of stuff, but definitely as a man. Yeah, you'd be real stupid.

Nicole [00:28:33]: I just didn't realize that there are women out there who are actively seeking taken men. And that's just also very disheartening. Like, as a woman, like, who. I care about women, and, you know, I want them to be happy and have the relationship that they want to have, which every woman, deep down, no matter what they're gonna say, wants to have a good relationship or, like, their dream relationship and the love that they've always dreamed of. But stealing someone else's man is not the way to do it. Like, that's just not gonna get you. A man with one woman can be completely different with another woman because it's less about the man and it's more about the woman he's with. Like, I'm not saying that you can't have a good man. Yeah, but. And I know that men are the gardeners.

John [00:29:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:25]: But men are influenced by the flowers that are in their. Their garden.

John [00:29:30]: I mean, I get what you're saying.

Nicole [00:29:32]: Like, that's where the whole thing. If he wanted to, he would. Where with one, you date. You hear stories about a guy dating a girl, and he's doing the bare minimum, like not doing anything. And then he gets a girlfri right after and he's buying her flowers and he's treating her like a princess. And then they get engaged like six months later. And he was with the other girl for like five years.

John [00:29:54]: Yeah, it's, it's in the, in the day, in the pre commitment phase. That applies after you're in the relationship, then the man is the man that he is.

Nicole [00:30:03]: Well, yeah, no, I'm not saying that he changes in the, in the marriage or in the commitment. But I'm saying though that like women who think that they see a man acting one way and like, oh, I want him and I'm gonna take him and he's gonna do all the things for me. Like that is not necessarily the case. And you should not be pursuing somebody that is in relationships.

John [00:30:27]: You don't know what happens behind closed doors too, right?

Nicole [00:30:30]: Like you don't know this person really.

John [00:30:32]: His temper and how you like, you know, so. Yeah, but, but, but, but, but women do that for really one of two reasons.

Nicole [00:30:41]: Because they want what other people have.

John [00:30:43]: Well, because biologically women are programmed to use other women's or, you know, pre selection criteria, right? So if other women like this guy, then you know that it's, it's like a short circuit to be able to evaluate a man. I mean, that's why women like guys of high status and power because they're pre selected. If a man, if other women like a man, then then that woman can say, oh, well, if other women like him, then he must be valuable. So that's one reason why women go after. That's the more innocuous or innocent reason why women would go after a, you know, like it's not a intentionally, you.

Nicole [00:31:20]: Know, but if you know that he's.

John [00:31:22]: Taken, let me say that's a woman. A reason why women will be attracted to a taken man. Okay, that makes sense because then when you take an action, then it becomes now something different, right? So that's why women would be attracted to a taken man. But, but the other reason why women do it is because of insecurity or revenge, which is basically the same thing in the sense that, oh, I can prove myself by taking this man from this other woman, which is what this.

Nicole [00:31:50]: Woman'S doing in the video.

John [00:31:51]: It's like, oh, this woman thinks she's hot shit. She's whatever. It's like I can show I'm better than her by taking that man.

Nicole [00:31:58]: This is what that woman is doing in the video that we played. And worse, she's doing it just to get revenge. She doesn't want any of these men. She just wants to ruin their marriage.

John [00:32:08]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:32:10]: And like, but she, she.

John [00:32:11]: But again, then it comes out to like, she shouldn't even be able to.

Nicole [00:32:14]: I agree with that. But it's also like, she's not ruining something of her to even be doing this because like, I know that our thing that you wanted to talk about mainly is that men shouldn't be feeding into this. But also it's like, maybe there might be women listening to this that like, would contemplate doing what she's doing or whatever. Yeah, never do that. Yeah, but like, it's just the way that she's handling. Oh yeah, like negative comments is just very gross. And she's breaking up marriages potentially for the fun of it. And that's so wrong.

John [00:32:52]: Well, she's not destroying anything that's not already.

Nicole [00:32:55]: Well, yeah, that's the thing. But at the same time too, like, are you playing God and you're gonna go in and you're gonna blow up the final bomb? You know, like, like, sure, people are gonna know that their husbands aren't fully invested in them, but it's like, yeah, you really, like, are putting all this on the Internet for, like, people to see. Yeah, she like blurred out their stuff. But yeah, you're just destroying marriages for fun on the Internet.

John [00:33:24]: Yeah, that's.

Nicole [00:33:25]: Well, it kind of goes into like, that the Internet has just turned into a very, like, negative place fueled by a lot of like, hurtful, gross things like, this should not be okay.

John [00:33:39]: Yeah, well, it's an, it's an ego based thing. Right. Because why is she doing it? It's to get the views.

Nicole [00:33:44]: It's to get the validation of being like, oh, you said something mean to me. I'm gonna blow up your marriage.

John [00:33:52]: But also, don't leave like, like, just be smart. Also in the sense that like, you might think, oh, it's not going to be any harm leaving a hateful comment on someone's video, which I'm not even saying that like the one that she point out were not even that. But, but like, don't. Because I agree that someone might come and they might like message your husband and maybe your relationship isn't ready for that and now it's going to blow it up prematurely. Right. So that, I mean, that's really what's happening is that it's like. But this would be a warning. A wake up call is like one like, hey, watch what you do. Like, all of your actions have consequences. Even if you leave a nasty comment to a nasty person, like, still, hey, you can't escape the karmic ripples of that. Like, you still will not escape it because it's not punitive. It's just how the universe works. Right. But also in the sense that a wake up call of, would your relationship survive this woman coming after your man? Like, if not, then, hey, like, before it happens, maybe it's time to start reading some books and, like, listening to some podcasts and trying to, like, build, you know, and, you know, and I know it's got to be the guy, the leadership and initiative, but at least saying, hey, I feel like there's a problem here. Let's. Yeah, because it could. It's a good. I mean, it could be a good wake up call. That's what I'm saying.

Nicole [00:35:10]: Yeah, but I mean, like, I guess, too. I'm still stuck on that. The comment that she mentioned wasn't even that bad. And so then are you not supposed to comment on stuff? Because I agree, like, people are very mean and harsh and hurtful in the comments and they act like there's not another human being on the other side of the phone. And I don't agree with that either.

John [00:35:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:31]: But I also don't agree with, like, no, you doing the same thing, if not worse to people. And then like, someone being like, if someone said that to my husband, I'd go to jail. Like, I don't feel like that's really that bad. Sure. Could it be better, like, worded maybe? Like, oh, that's. I don't know, like, she could word it differently, but I don't feel like that's grounds for a consequence of. Now she's messaging her husband.

John [00:35:57]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:35:58]: You know what I mean? Like, and I don't know, I guess that like, Like, I'm very much stuck to. And I guess because I don't have to worry about you, so I'm like, yeah, why is.

John [00:36:09]: What's that song? Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. It's like, leave my husband, don't take my man.

Nicole [00:36:17]: But, like, I don't know, it's just, it's. You're crying about people saying mean things, but then you're literally breaking up marriages. And again, they're not sturdy, obviously, if they can be broken.

John [00:36:31]: I understand that she's not worth the breath. It's what she's doing that opens up like a conversation. Yeah. Yeah. But I get. I agree with you 100%. Yeah. So.

Nicole [00:36:40]: But I Think that needs to be said because I feel like people like.

John [00:36:44]: This is not the right way.

Nicole [00:36:46]: Right, exactly. You're not teaching anybody a lesson. You're doing instead the same thing that you're trying to teach somebody a lesson about.

John [00:36:53]: I did a video this morning. I was talking about like levels of. It was like a deep video on, on my like uncut channel. And I was talking about levels of consciousness stuff. And now I was like, yeah, you can like read all these religious books or whatever. Like, I was like, I could just like, there's just. You don't even need to, you don't even need to do all these spiritual practice. Like, there's just one thing, one fundamental thing that if you just did this, then you would, it would, it would encompass everything, which is respond to all things, all people, all events in love. Not react. Respond. And that's it. That's it. That's it. That just covers everything. Everything. Every problem you have, everything is covered by that one.

Nicole [00:37:36]: But people don't even know what that means fully. You know what I mean?

John [00:37:40]: But it means that like, even if someone leaves a nasty comment, yeah, you don't, you just don't respond in love. Respond in love. Like, it's like, you know, whatever event happens in your life, you respond in love. Right? There's no need. Any of those other things are just, are just a waste of. It's not gonna produce any good result.

Nicole [00:37:59]: Right?

John [00:38:00]: So, you know, but yeah, but yeah, that's.

Nicole [00:38:04]: But back to the main thing that you want to talk about is that's it.

John [00:38:06]: That's all we have to say. It's like, that's it.

Nicole [00:38:09]: You want to end it there.

John [00:38:09]: We solution to all relationships as well, right?

Nicole [00:38:11]: This is a short one. If you want to end it there.

John [00:38:13]: No, no, I don't want to end it. I'm just saying, like, that's like, that's all you really even need to say about anything. Is that like. Cause like anything that we're talking about on this podcast is just like, just.

Nicole [00:38:22]: Don'T respond to a woman and your DMs with love. Like, hey, I love you.

John [00:38:28]: Yeah, block in love. But yeah, but, but I mean, and guys should know that. I mean, also like, come on this day and age especially like, I mean, this is just a heads up to guys. I like, okay, look, if you haven't been to the gym in years, all right, and you're like, you know, whatever, like, you know that some attractive woman is not going to be attracted to you and yet you get a DM you should know it's a trap. Like, not to. Not to. Like, you know, pre war.

Nicole [00:39:05]: You're not engaging because it's not a trap or because you love your wife.

John [00:39:08]: Like, just don't engage with any. Yeah. I mean, it should be because you're focused on a relationship and. But, like, also. Also, just don't be stupid. Like, the thing that's gonna kill you is your ego believing that. Like, you know. Cause that's how women get. That's how these women get these guys, is they get their ego, right? They make a guy feel a big man and appreciate. Like any woman can. Like, if she. If she knows.

Nicole [00:39:35]: But a guy believes that because it's like, if a guy came in and was like, oh, you're so wonderful, and all these things, right? Like, guys are just. You don't know me.

John [00:39:45]: Because he.

Nicole [00:39:45]: But a guy's gonna believe some random girl that's in his DMs, like, wow, you're the coolest guy I've ever.

John [00:39:51]: Because of his. Because of his ego. Oh, right.

Nicole [00:39:55]: Because I feel like anyone would be like, you don't even know who I am.

John [00:39:59]: Right?

Nicole [00:40:00]: So.

John [00:40:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:00]: No.

John [00:40:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:40:01]: It wouldn't work, but a guy would be like, whoa, she loves me already. That's genuinely what they do.

John [00:40:14]: So is it women? So women, like, again, this is not supposed to be, like, not to use this tool, but this is why when. When women are like, oh, like. Like on. They're complaining about inequality or patriarchy. I'm like, God, you don't.

Nicole [00:40:31]: You're like, do you know how easy it is to control men?

John [00:40:33]: Yes, exactly. That's what I think. I'm like, why are you fighting the battle this way? Like, if you really hate men and you really want to fight the battle, fight it around the back. Like, you have. So it's so easy. Like, you, like, you have so much power that you don't even know that. Like, again, you shouldn't do this. You shouldn't use. But I'm just saying, like, it just. I just. It just. I'm. When I hear that, I'm like, It just. It just confounds me because I'm like, do you realize how easy all you have, literally 90% of men, all you have to do is inflate their ego and you can. They'll eat out of your hand. Whatever you. They'll believe it. They'll buy it. They'll. Like, if you're attractive and you're pumping up a guy's ego, he'll go to the ATM and start Taking money out of the atm, like, you know, maybe exaggerating a lot will, though.

Nicole [00:41:23]: But is that a good thing?

John [00:41:25]: It's, it's not a good, like, don't do that. But I'm just saying, like.

Nicole [00:41:29]: No, but I mean, like, is it a good thing that men are so easily controlled by their ego?

John [00:41:35]: No, it's not a good thing. That's not a real man. It's like some of the best advice is to ignore the haters and the compliments. It's like both are wrong. Both are not correct. It's like sometimes it's easier to ignore the haters. But yeah, the flattery also is not. That's not accurate either. It's not, you know, so that's, that's the best way to be, is like to, to be a true, true man is to assess your own assessment of. It doesn't matter. Like, I don't, I don't care who gives me praises. Honestly, Like, I don't. Well, yeah, I mean, you, you, it matters. But, but, but anyone else. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Like, sure, it might, it might feel good. But I also know I'm like, yeah, that's some poison that they're just, they're feeding me. Like the praises are poisonous or the hatred. Because what matters to me is my assessment of yourself. Because you could say, oh, John, you did a great job, but if I don't feel like I did a good job, right. And I'm not trying to be overly harsh on myself, but, like, I know what my standard is, then it's not. And that's how you as a man protect yourself from that. Like, no woman can attack you in that way. If your judgment of yourself, your assessment of yourself is honest and that's what you rely on. Like that, that then you're. Then, then you don't have that weakness.

Nicole [00:42:59]: Yeah.

John [00:43:00]: So.

Nicole [00:43:00]: But 95% of men do.

John [00:43:04]: Most people are sheep. Yikes. You know, it's truth. I'm not trying to like. But, but it's just reality. And, but, but that's the thing is like, I think about this episode is like understanding what, like, it's a wake up call. Because when you really think about what this lady's doing, she can be successful a lot.

Nicole [00:43:26]: Yeah. Which is sad. She shouldn't be doing something bad.

John [00:43:29]: She shouldn't be able to be successful with it.

Nicole [00:43:31]: Right, right.

John [00:43:32]: And that's where we're at as a society. That. Because people like, oh, these people are like.

Nicole [00:43:39]: So is it just your locations are.

John [00:43:40]: On what is this?

Nicole [00:43:41]: Or is it like the respect to their partner? Because I feel like, as a woman, I would feel like my man doesn't respect me if he's doing that.

John [00:43:50]: If he's doing what? Responding.

Nicole [00:43:51]: Yeah, it's because I think he could love me. Because a man will be like, yeah, I love you, and then go cheat on a woman too. Be like, I still love you.

John [00:44:01]: But he doesn't worship.

Nicole [00:44:02]: He doesn't respect.

John [00:44:03]: He doesn't worship you as a goddess.

Nicole [00:44:06]: Which isn't that respect? Like, to worship something, you have to respect it. Yeah, yeah.

John [00:44:10]: It's more. It's more than that. It's more than that. Right. It's a devotion.

Nicole [00:44:15]: But would you say, too, that if his devotion can so quickly be cut.

John [00:44:19]: Off, that then it's not a devotion? A woman knows if a man a woman. And that's kind of what I was saying. Like, maybe that's even a better way to say it. Like I was saying the health meter of the relationship. But a woman knows if a man is devoted to her because there's a difference between love and devotion.

Nicole [00:44:36]: That's true.

John [00:44:37]: Devotion is more. Because it is really just a deeper form of love. It's more of the unconditional love. Right.

Nicole [00:44:45]: So what happens if you're a woman who's watching this, whose husband answered that lady's DMs, what would you say to the women?

John [00:44:53]: I mean, I would not say immediately divorce him and immediately be like, oh, look, she just proved that he's unloyal. Because if you're realistic, like I'm saying 95% of guys, a majority of guys are.

Nicole [00:45:08]: Maybe it's not 95% cheating.

John [00:45:10]: Right?

Nicole [00:45:11]: Like, what if it's a step further?

John [00:45:13]: I think at that point, like, I still think. I mean, okay, it depends on where you are at the relate. Like, if you're in a married relationship, you got kids, whatever you need to work on, you got. Clearly, you need to work on stuff. And I think also shaming him for it would not be the step, Right? It would be to say, this is not. Are you cool with a relationship like this? Right?

Nicole [00:45:39]: Don't ask that. You might say, yes, but really.

John [00:45:42]: But then. Then you kind of have your answer, right? Because if someone's caught like that, and. And you say, are you cool with having a relationship like this? And they say, oh, yeah, I think this is what we should do. Okay, then. Then. All right, now go now. Now. Now you can do whatever you were gonna initially do.

Nicole [00:46:00]: I feel like, as a woman, though, I don't think I would say that. I think I'd be like, acceptable in the relationship that I want to have. Like, this cannot happen.

John [00:46:09]: I think that's. That, that's fair.

Nicole [00:46:11]: You know, Like, I mean, if I'm being honest, again, it's me and you, so it's a little bit different to compare it against. It would be hard. I mean, again, if, I think if you have kids, then it makes it a little bit more of a thing to stay together. But if it's full blown emotional cheating, that would be a little hard to just be like, this is unacceptable, you know, because here's, I guess, the problem I have.

John [00:46:39]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:40]: It kind of sounds like, well, men just don't know any better or something like that. I'm not saying you're saying that, but I seriously say, but I'm saying that it's being treated more of like they just don't know any better. Their ego's just being stroked and they just don't know any better. They're just a boy. They're just a boy. Like, they don't know. And like, the thing is though, you do know, you do know that you should not be messaging another woman that's not your wife deep down. And I get that a lot of relationships don't follow the standards that we have and they think that everything's fine. And I get that. But at the same time, like, I'm trying to, you know, put the women's side into perspective. Like, I get if it's minimal, being like, yeah, this can't happen again. Like, and her having boundaries and having standards and having to walk away potentially.

John [00:47:32]: But that also, like, and I agree with that, but that doesn't fix the relationship rift issue. That needs to be fixed. Because it's like, that's why I would say you want to find out what does he actually want in a relationship? Like, because then you know if you're in alignment or not. Because it's just like having that boundary and standard. You shouldn't have to babysit. You shouldn't have to be like, look, like, this is like, I'm going to babysit you now. And like, this is what I have to draw this line here. Like, I get it. Like, and I'm all for boundaries, but at the same time, shouldn't you have before? Well, yeah, but he should want to have the kind of relationship that those things don't happen in, right?

Nicole [00:48:17]: Which I feel like that's the rare thing, right?

John [00:48:20]: But if he doesn't, then we did.

Nicole [00:48:21]: A video so long ago Where I literally said, what woman wouldn't want her man to come up to her and be like, okay, we're not gonna hang out with people of the opposite sex. We're gonna have each other's locations. What woman wouldn't want that? But the thing is, besides you, what other man do you know that has come to a woman besides the one that you've coached to do it and just outright said that?

John [00:48:43]: Here's the thing, though, like. Because, you know, if we go to the other side of this, right? Because. And I told you this when I was talking about some. One of the guys I was coaching, I was like, if we looked at the. The woman's phone, we would find stuff. Like, we wouldn't find necessarily sexually explicit stuff. But again, a majority of women's phones, if you looked at their phones, it would be. It would be some guy that they're still talking to. Again, maybe not crossing the line into, like, sexual stuff, but confiding in emotionally. Like, maybe, you know, if a rapper or whatever DM them, they entertain that they. They. They answered, right. They said something. Maybe they, like, even if you said, oh, come, come, let me fly you out, whatever. And. And she's like, no, no, I'm married, whatever. Like. But just having the conversation before then, up to that point, like, there would be a lot of these little tiny, you know, kind of stepping over the lines as well. So that's the other thing. That's.

Nicole [00:49:44]: I'm not saying that women are innocent.

John [00:49:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:49:46]: But I'm saying that I don't know if 95% of women.

John [00:49:51]: No, no, I don't think it would.

Nicole [00:49:52]: Men are doing.

John [00:49:53]: No, I think it's more, again, a man. Like I said, go for the man's ego. You're gonna. You're gonna get him. Right.

Nicole [00:50:00]: Well, and I think, too, like, we've said, if a woman is genuinely happy in their relationship, she's not going to. Which doesn't mean that maybe the man's not happy about something. But look, but he needs to also talk about it, too. Like, I'm not saying the women can't. If she has that intuition, like, feel, hey, like, something's off, and initiate that. But a man also can't be like, I'm pissed at her. And so I'm gonna go DM this girl, but I'm not gonna tell my wife I'm pissed at her.

John [00:50:30]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:31]: But she should just know. And then I'm gonna do this to, like, show her how pissed I am.

John [00:50:36]: But what kind of women are happy in Their relationship, one that they feel.

Nicole [00:50:43]: Like the man is.

John [00:50:45]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:45]: Understanding them and listening to them and communicating.

John [00:50:47]: What percentage of that? So it's like. So probably a lot of women's phones have stuff on them they shouldn't have on them. Right. Because, like, let's be honest. So. But again, does it still fall onto the man? Yes, it does. Right. It's like. But, you know, that's why. But again, I. I can't. You know, the men are listening. I can tell those men, and I do tell them, and I tell them every week, but the women are listening. I can only tell you, like, what to watch out for and to like and to know that if. If. That if there's not devotion, if he's not devoted to you, then you should probably.

Nicole [00:51:22]: You shouldn't have married him if he's not devoted to you. And like, I'm not saying that that can't wax and wane over time, but.

John [00:51:30]: But you gotta, like, as a woman.

Nicole [00:51:34]: Some people never felt a devotion, though, and they got married and the relationship has never really been great. And then it's so dysfunctional that maybe they don't care that their husband's responding or they brush it off or whatever. Like, there's so many different versions.

John [00:51:50]: I think as a woman, you're the thermostat of the relationship. Like, you know what the. What temperature's at. Like, he might be able to up. And, you know, you can be like, you know, he can increase the temperature, lower the temperature. Right.

Nicole [00:52:02]: Like, but you can put it on hold.

John [00:52:06]: Yeah, well. And you know where it's.

Nicole [00:52:08]: Can hold the temperature.

John [00:52:09]: It's your job to know where it's at. It's his job to lead. It's your job to know where it's at. And to be like, that's not good enough. You know what I mean? Like, that. And that's what.

Nicole [00:52:18]: Even if he's not, like, communicating with you.

John [00:52:20]: Yeah. To not be. Not to be accepting of anything less than what, you know, that he is fully capable of a man as being and what the relationship should be.

Nicole [00:52:29]: What if he's like, stop nagging me.

John [00:52:31]: Well, not through nagging. Not through nagging. Nagging is not.

Nicole [00:52:34]: Sometimes men say that women are nagging and they're really not nagging because they know what to say to get a woman to be upset.

John [00:52:42]: But it's the matter. And you're reading in the whatchama called the Queen Code and stuff, but it's the way that it's worded in the sense that if you tell a Man, what you want? If you ask a man for help, if you tell him, I need this or I want this, versus why don't you ever do this? Or why aren't you, like, this husband or this guy on the Better Than Perfect podcast? He's always like. He's. His wife is always. He's always like, oh, I love you. No. Right, right. You know what I mean? But if you're approaching it in the right way, you're inspire him. Because men want to conquer and to make a woman happy, like, you know, the. The most.

Nicole [00:53:29]: They want to provide.

John [00:53:30]: Yeah. They. They want to do those things. So. So, you know, so it's not. Again, yeah, it's not a shit on men either, because, like, you just have to inspire men. But as a woman, you're. You're that. That thermometer. You're the thermostat. You know where the relationship's at. And you have to be like, I don't accept this, like, in the right way, but, like, no, I want better than this. Right. The man should be striving for excellence. But you are that. You know where the temperature's at, and so you've got to be like, ah, nah. And again, it's the same thing you're calling the man to be. You know what he's capable of as a man, and you do it in the right way. But, you know, it's like, how would you do that?

Nicole [00:54:10]: Can you give an example? I mean, all right, you find out your husband's messaging women on the Internet.

John [00:54:17]: Like, what do you do?

Nicole [00:54:18]: Like, how do temperatures get him to be.

John [00:54:20]: Yeah, like, after you've already found this out. I mean, it should be.

Nicole [00:54:23]: Or before. I guess.

John [00:54:24]: Okay, let's say before. Because it should be pro. It should be a little bit more proactive. Like, you can respond to the situation, but if you know that the temperature. You should say things like, tell him what are the things that you want? Right. Like, what would make you happy? What things do you desire? Right. That you want from him? That he's useful. That he.

Nicole [00:54:45]: Like, I want you to spend more time with me.

John [00:54:47]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:48]: Or something.

John [00:54:49]: But not more time.

Nicole [00:54:50]: Like, I want you to spend quality time with me.

John [00:54:53]: But even. But be specific, because it feels.

Nicole [00:54:55]: That's what I'm asking you for an example.

John [00:54:57]: Okay. Because it feels like a nag. If you're like, I want you to spend more time with me.

Nicole [00:55:00]: Okay, then give an example. That's better.

John [00:55:03]: I mean, that's still not horrible. Right? But to say, I want to, you know, Tuesday Night. I want you to just. To spend time with me, to like, to just shower me in love on Tuesday night or whatever. Like, that's more specific that he's going to respond to. Okay, Right. But it can be like, it just depends on what you actually want.

Nicole [00:55:30]: Want.

John [00:55:30]: Right. What. What do you want? What would make you feel loved? What would make you feel more feminine? What, you know, ask for. For the things that you want.

Nicole [00:55:39]: Like, I want you to not DM random women.

John [00:55:43]: Not a negative. Not a negative. But you could say that I want.

Nicole [00:55:51]: You to value the relationship at such a level that you would not entertain.

John [00:55:55]: No, no, no. But it's still like, you have to like, like, that's. That's a byproduct.

Nicole [00:56:01]: I want us to not message other people.

John [00:56:05]: I mean, that. That's fine, but that, that's not. That's not deepening the relationship. That's. That's like, those are. But I'm.

Nicole [00:56:10]: So if you don't have the other parts in.

John [00:56:14]: But the focus should be on deepening the relationship, not on like the. The boundaries. Safety on the gun.

Nicole [00:56:20]: It's like we're talking putting those into place. If they aren't already.

John [00:56:23]: Yeah, yeah, sure. If they're not already. I mean, he should have been putting those in place, but if he's not, then you can say what your boundaries are, but it can almost go without being said. Right. Like, it's like. Because the focus shouldn't be on that. It should be on, you know, if you see something like. And how do you call. Well, I was going to say before is that there's many times, and we've talked about on this podcast before where you have called me to be a better man. Right.

Nicole [00:56:50]: I'm not thinking about it, though.

John [00:56:52]: No, not necessarily. But it's because you're true. Like, that is of value you. Because you don't accept less. Right. The kind of relationship that. That we have and kind of the things that. That we consider to be essential to it, most people would think is like crazy ridiculous. Like, you know, that you don't ever yell at each other, you don't ever call each other names. It's unacceptable to like, even if you just say you're being an asshole, like, that's unacceptable. Yeah, that's unacceptable for us. Right. But a lot of that is because that is a standard that you hold, which makes it a norm, which makes it. I'm not saying that I don't have any baseline. Yeah, yeah. Because you hold yourself to it. You want this for the relate. So you know, because it would be fine in most relationships to be like, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, we fight sometimes, and sometimes we call each other names, but then we make up. We don't really mean it and we're sorry, but we have a good relationship like most people. That's okay. That's cool. It's not a big deal. Like, you don't fight a lot. You don't go crazy vicious at each other, but that's not even acceptable to us. Right. But a lot of that is because you, as the thermometer, as the thermostat, you have a level. You said it. You put it on hold here. Like, this is not. Like, we're not gonna be below that level. And me, as a man, there's many times where. Where you're challenging me. Sometimes not in the best way, sometimes in a good way. But it doesn't matter because as a man, I need to take it either way that it comes that I'm realizing that I'm not living up to my potential. I have shortcomings that. You're making it obvious.

Nicole [00:58:38]: But I do also try to do it in the.

John [00:58:39]: Oh, yeah, you do. Yeah, you absolutely do. And you're.

Nicole [00:58:43]: Well, because I would never hold you to a standard that I wouldn't.

John [00:58:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:58:47]: Hold to myself.

John [00:58:48]: But as a man, I. I've got, like, you know, you are expected.

Nicole [00:58:53]: Higher. Yes. I. Yeah. Well, because you're the leader and you're the man, and you actually are the man, and you are the leader.

John [00:59:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:00]: And so that requires a higher level of responsibility.

John [00:59:05]: Because there's this unspoken thing, and sometimes it is spoken but of that. Like, like, no, it's not equal. No, it's not like, like, you. You're just acting how I. Like you have to be better than me.

Nicole [00:59:18]: Yeah.

John [00:59:18]: I expect you to be, like, there. You know what I'm saying? It's like. And then it's like, yeah, okay, I get it. I understand. Like, you know, it's like sometimes I have to be like, okay, you're right. Actually. Yep. I'm supposed to be better than you. I'm supposed to be like. I'm supposed to get that I said that because that's the ultimate. Yeah, but. But it. Ultimate, like. But that's you having the thermostat at knowing where it is and be like, no, this is where it needs to be. Right. It's like, it's not the same as, like, in a way, it's. It's leading, but it's not leading. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like the woman knows where the health. She's responsible for the health of the relationship, of indicating when there's a problem. The man is responsible for fixing the problems and for leading the relationship, but the woman is. She needs to be the alarm, the smoke alarm going off when the. You know, they're small.

Nicole [01:00:09]: In the right way, though, too.

John [01:00:10]: In the right way.

Nicole [01:00:11]: They do start nagging potentially, and things like that, too. And then he just goes further down. And then now you have to meet him further down where he is because he's so far down you can't even bring him back up.

John [01:00:23]: Right, Right. So, yeah, but I think that's what I was thinking about when I saw this thing, because it's like, yeah, it's sad. It's sad that there's so many women that. That the men would be susceptible to it, but at the same time, those women are not. They're not doing their. Like, they need to be. The alarm needs to be going off because they know that they are the barometer, they are the thermostat. They know what the level's at, and it's not at an acceptable level.

Nicole [01:00:53]: Yeah.

John [01:00:54]: And so, I mean, it's not their fault. But at the same time, like, you can do.

Nicole [01:01:00]: Sound the alarm.

John [01:01:01]: Yeah. You can do, like, ultimately, he has to respond. He has to do something. He has to ultimately. Right. You can help influence him. You can tell him what you want. Like, have you done all those things, really done those things without nagging, you know?

Nicole [01:01:15]: Well, and men need to know. You can't claim to be a man and be so easily influenced by a woman giving you attention and stroking your ego and not focusing on what you're supposed to be focusing on. Like your relationship.

John [01:01:31]: Exactly.

Nicole [01:01:31]: Because. Because the thing is, nobody should be entertaining anybody else unless they've ended that relationship.

John [01:01:37]: I'm not even looking at my DM. I mean, I have to catch up with your DMs of you sending me 15 DMs every day on how much you love me and sending me like we're soulmates and skeletons, like, kissing each other and stuff. Like, which is great. I love it. But, like, I don't. Am I looking at. I don't even know. Like, I just have my primary. I don't even look over to the requests or whatever.

Nicole [01:02:04]: But you would also tell me if somebody messaged you.

John [01:02:06]: Yeah, but I'm not. Like, I don't. It's so. You couldn't even catch me that way because it wouldn't even. I wouldn't Even notice it.

Nicole [01:02:16]: It wouldn't be on the radar.

John [01:02:17]: Yeah. Because I'm not even. I'm so unreceptive to it that it's not even. It's not even something that I would even even notice.

Nicole [01:02:27]: Yeah.

John [01:02:28]: That's. That's how it should be. Right. Not to toot my own horn, but that's how it should be.

Nicole [01:02:32]: A thousand percent. But that's in the person you're with. Yeah.

John [01:02:34]: Because my mind is thinking about how can I, like, make our relationship better? How can I improve the things that. Like, how can I show up better? Like, it's focused on those thoughts all the time. Right. Besides my work. And, you know, but. But that's what I'm thinking about.

Nicole [01:02:49]: Yeah.

John [01:02:50]: And so, like.

Nicole [01:02:51]: So if you're listening to this and you don't feel that way, or you feel like your husband's not focused on you, then there's. It's time to do some work.

John [01:03:00]: Yeah. And as a man, like, that's what you need to start doing is, like, you need to be to the point where it's like, yeah.

Nicole [01:03:06]: Use your singular focus to focus on your relationship.

John [01:03:10]: And like, I was telling. You know, because I. In just. Yeah, we're getting. But one of my coaching clients that was struggling with one of these, and, like, he had some entertainment with, you know, with a woman, and that wasn't his, you know, his woman. And there was some. I'm trying to make it not identifiable at all, but he, you know, he had, you know, had some messages and stuff, and he felt like this feeling that he hadn't felt in a long time, and that was what the intoxicating thing was. And I told him, I was like, you can have that with the woman that you're with.

Nicole [01:03:53]: Right.

John [01:03:54]: Like, it's good that you got a taste of that, because you can have that every day. It doesn't have to be like, you don't have to go somewhere else for that.

Nicole [01:04:03]: Yeah. It doesn't have to be something new.

John [01:04:04]: But you can build that. And that's what I'm saying. It's like, that's the encouragement to guys is. It's like, yeah, I get if. Maybe if you're in that place and you feel like, oh, this is new, this is exciting, because I've been there also. Right. Like, not in this, you know, but, you know, in the. In the past. Right. Because. And. And I can tell you that you can just live that every day, but it requires a lot of work. That's what I told him. I was like, it's going to require a lot of work. Like, you're going to have to. But if you really want that, you can have that and you can have it where it never goes away. And you don't have to keep on swapping out to a new one every.

Nicole [01:04:36]: Right. Because that's what it would be if you don't want to do the work. And that's the main problem. You're going to have to constantly swap. Swap people out.

John [01:04:42]: Right. Yeah. Because you can get that hit again. Sure. But you can have it all the time and better.

Nicole [01:04:48]: Right, Right.

John [01:04:49]: And that's what. Because that's what we have and that's. But it requires the work. So that is the devotion. That is the. Like, you have to, as a man, be like, I'm so focused on this relationship and building it in leading her and guiding her that you wouldn't even Notice if someone DM'd you. Like, you're not even gonna look at the profile and see, is she hot or not? It doesn't matter because you got time for that. Like, I'm focused on building my thing.

Nicole [01:05:12]: Yeah.

John [01:05:13]: Because if you're not focused on building your thing, then.

Nicole [01:05:15]: Right. Why'd you get married if you're not focused on building your relationship that you committed to for the rest of your.

John [01:05:20]: Life and you're never gonna be done Because I. I've been. I'm working on it every day, like.

Nicole [01:05:25]: Well, and the real issue too is after reading that Queen's code book is as a man, you can't fully invest in your relationship and your marriage and entertain some. Something else.

John [01:05:36]: Yes. Yeah.

Nicole [01:05:37]: You can't. You can only do one thing at a time.

John [01:05:39]: Right.

Nicole [01:05:40]: And anytime that you're focused on something that's not your marriage.

John [01:05:44]: Right.

Nicole [01:05:45]: You're giving that energy that you could have put into your marriage to someone else.

John [01:05:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:05:49]: It's kind of like starting two projects at one time.

John [01:05:52]: Right.

Nicole [01:05:53]: Like, this project is like very well formulated, planned out. You planned it, you got married, you had a wedding, you have kids, and then starting something and you only have a block of wood.

John [01:06:08]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [01:06:09]: Like, why are you diverting from this thing?

John [01:06:12]: Right.

Nicole [01:06:12]: To focus on a block of wood where you need a lot more to build.

John [01:06:17]: Right.

Nicole [01:06:18]: And you can only do one thing at a time.

John [01:06:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:06:20]: And so.

John [01:06:21]: And believe me, take it from me, like I said, I have done. I have been that guy, the other guy.

Nicole [01:06:28]: Guy. The bad guy.

John [01:06:30]: The bad guy. Yeah. I've been, you know, I. I did.

Nicole [01:06:33]: There's no good and bad, right?

John [01:06:34]: Yeah, no good and bad. But I've been that. That guy, so that's how I know. Right. And. But I'm not now. And I learned. But you don't have to learn the way that I. I learned. You know, again, like, yeah, there's different circumstances. I could always cite about my previous relationship and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can say all kinds of justifications, but it doesn't. And I still did what I did. And I'm saying that, you know, it's not about the other person. It's about you as a man, like, doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Nicole [01:07:03]: Yeah, that's it at the end of the day.

John [01:07:06]: True.

Nicole [01:07:06]: All right, well, I think we. We did all we could with that.

John [01:07:14]: All right, well, I mean, we don't got nothing for the.

Nicole [01:07:16]: We don't got nothing.

John [01:07:17]: We don't got nothing.

Nicole [01:07:18]: We don't got nothing for the end, but that's okay. Hopefully we won't have much more.

John [01:07:25]: How come you can't talk country and you from the country. What's up with that?

Nicole [01:07:29]: You just want to.

John [01:07:30]: I gotta know about this right now. Like, what is going on here?

Nicole [01:07:34]: I think it's time to end this episode for a little delusional right now.

John [01:07:40]: All right, we'll see y' all, folks, next time.

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