John: We're going to do the episode on the TikTok that I sent you this morning. I'll play the TikTok, and then we can talk about it. Let's see what people think about it. "All you women who thought it was such a good idea to comment on my video nasty things, this goes out to you. I am going to find your husbands today, and we have the first account already picked. And I just want to see if her husband's attached. Let's see if your husband is going to respond to me. There's your account. We're going to click your little Instagram there. Oh, I can't see any posts, but you do have your hubby tagged. A Darren seems like such a nice name. I can already tell from his photo that he is very handsome. Oh, look at that follow. I don't follow very many people, but as soon as he accepts that, I'm going to show you. Let's move on to the next. Okay, oh we found another one. This is her comment: 'If I think if someone said this to my man in front of me, I'd be going to jail.' Alright, Miss, oh your Instagram is linked. Let's just see what happens. Oh my gosh, your boyfriend is also linked. It says hers. We're going to send him a little message. I said, 'Hey, how's it going?' Don't worry, I'll let you know what he says."

Nicole: Welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship. What's your initial thoughts about this?

John: I have so many thoughts. There are so many. Well, one, when she said that one of the bad comments was, 'If someone said this in front of my husband, I would go to jail,' that's not really a bad comment.

Nicole: Yeah, that doesn't justify picking up a marriage, stalking her, and finding her husband.

John: Yeah, that's pretty messed up. The biggest thing here is, I agree with her in the sense of people shouldn't comment nasty things, right?

Nicole: Sure.

John: However, the way that she's handling this is equally as immature and ridiculous as leaving nasty comments. If anything, it's more because now you're actively seeking out somebody's husband and trying to cause drama.

Nicole: Yeah, that's worse than leaving a nasty comment, in my opinion. I think they're both wrong, but I think you took one bad thing and now you're doing an even worse thing, which I think is wrong.

John: But it shouldn't even be a bad thing because we know that those husbands are going to respond.

Nicole: I mean, I think it's a bad thing in general because she's starting drama just for the sake of it. And like, the severity of it is magnified because we know they're going to respond.

John: Right, like, and they shouldn't. Like, if you know that they're not going to respond, then it's just annoying. But she knows that they are, and that's what the, you know.

Nicole: Well, and I think it's the intention behind it too. Like, she's fighting fire with fire, which just makes everybody on fire.

John: Don't get me wrong, I like the reason why I brought this one up, why I sent it to you, is not because I think what she's doing is in any way... like, you don't agree with her tactics.

Nicole: And what it just... I don't even know who this one, you know, like, I'm sure she's whatever. But I just saw it pop up on our Better Than Perfect feed because we have relationships. But yeah, I don't condone at all what she's like. This is not good. Should have watched what the video was that she's so upset about the comments about.

John: Yeah, I don't know. But either way, it doesn't justify her behavior. She just came up with this clever idea. I don't think it mattered what. I think she just needed a reason for doing it. But I thought what was interesting about a talking point was not her behavior because that's... it is the women who commented and like something about like, 'Hey, watch yourself.' But then also, the situation that she's uncovering.

Nicole: Which is that how susceptible, like, why should she even be able to do this? And for you know, the fact that she can do this. There was this other lady who came from like a better place. It was more women who suspected their husbands were cheating or something, or maybe not even their husbands, their boyfriends, right? She would like talk to the woman and message the guy, and she was like this pretty model person. And then send it to the girl like she'd be like, 'Hey, I just found you on Instagram,' and the guys would be like, 'Oh hey,' and then she'd be like, 'Are you single?' and they'd be like, 'Yeah,' when they obviously weren't because like their girlfriend or whatever was messaging.

John: So yeah, like the real thing is how many of these husbands are going to entertain this woman, right? And it's going to be like 95% of them.

Nicole: That makes me physically ill. But we know because we know what relationships are like. That's why we're trying to help people build a better... That's why it's funny when people are like, 'Oh, you guys are crazy. You guys with the whole, like, not trusting each other and insecurities or like no girls' night out, guys' night out. That I can't go on a girls' trip, I can't go on a guy... Like, you guys are crazy. You got to know each other's locations.' Like, you're telling people this kind of stuff.

John: It's like, yeah, but if this woman messaged your husband or boyfriend, what was going to happen, right? Like, you know what I'm saying? It's like, that's why we're because we understand because we know that that is the state that most people are living in.

Nicole: I did see one lady say that she was like, 'My husband would never entertain you.' She commented that, but is that... did it actually prove out to be?

John: But I mean, would you rather your wife comment that or comment like a lot of the other women saying, 'Well, if you can take him, I don't want him,' or something?

Nicole: And here's the thing, and this is why I think this whole thing is interesting, is because even like you're saying about the woman that was doing it in the right way, don't do this. Don't test your... It's not a good idea to do the test, first of all, because you already know.

John: But is it because you already know the all women or all men will fail because the majority?

John: Of men will fail, so work on that problem instead of trying to test what you know is already going to be a failure. Right? Because you really want to know the answer to that question, because you already do know the answer to that question. Because if you have to ask, then you know the answer. And it is again more likely that the man, like, yeah, there are tests where men test the woman for loyalty and, you know, whatever, usually using a famous person to do it or someone who has like a million followers or something like that.

Nicole: That they can just reach out to someone with a million followers?

John: No, the man has a million. Oh well, he will offer to do these tests, right? I've seen it. So it happens on both sides.

Nicole: Yeah, but it's not a good idea. And women fail these tests, but I can guarantee you men fail the test more often.

John: Oh, I'm sure. Right. In this area. But it's not a good idea to do the test because if you're having to do the test, you already know the answer. And you don't want to put yourself in a situation where now you have to actually confront this. So should you just break up with him? No, if you're dating. Like, obviously, if you're married, I mean, you should work on the relationship to build it to a place where you wouldn't be afraid of the test. You still shouldn't do the test because that's like, unless it's like, but if you're at that point, you should just break up with someone. Because I was going to say, if you're suspecting that they're already cheating on you, but at that point, you know, is there maybe if it'll give you some closure to be like, okay, yeah, there's the proof of it, but you already kind of know, right?

Nicole: So, but my point is, is that like, this just highlights, you know, that the state of your relationship is bad if you're afraid of this. And sometimes, if you're not afraid of it, but you're secretly afraid of this happening, then you know that you have work to do in the relationship because you don't have the love, connection, and intimacy to understand, to know for sure that this would not happen.

John: So what is, if you're like, if you're afraid of this happening, even if you're not afraid of this happening, you're in kind of the same danger. So what is the, where are you supposed to be? I'm saying if you're secretly afraid of this happening, like if you have a false sense of confidence, but where would you say then is a good spot? Like just having the things implemented that we talk about so that, but is that just keeping a man from doing what he would want to do?

Nicole: No, no, it's about actually building the relationship, right? Like those, because when we're talking about those boundaries, we're talking about safeguards that are like, it's like a safety on a gun, right? The gun is still, like, your safety on the gun is not, you're not like, oh, I got a safety on this gun, I'll just point it anywhere. Don't look at this. I got a safety on. Like, you're not, you're not doing, you're not playing around with the gun just because you have the safety on. You're not playing around with your relationship just because, like, oh, we got our locations on, and we don't do girl's night, guy's night out. It's like, no, that doesn't, like, you still have to have gun training and know how to handle a gun. Like, you still have to know how to handle a relationship. You still got to be like, okay, this is a safety. It's an extra level of protection that we have. But what really creates the true safety is having the closeness of the relationship, which is like the episode we did on doing the work, right? Where you're dealing with issues, you're confronting those issues, you're developing yourself, and building that strong relationship.

Nicole: Right. So would you say that the woman's doing something wrong if the man's responding to girls in his DMs?

John: Yes and no. Right? In the sense that she has to know that the relationship isn't where it needs to be. She has to have some hint of that. And she's not either figuring it out and helping, like, you know, and trying to do what she can or making it known to the man that she wants something better and deeper. And again, it's really the man's responsibility. He's the leader. But she can't claim complete innocence in that, knowing that there's some amount of separation. And we'll talk about, I think, you know, because you're reading that one book. The which one? I'm reading two at the same time.

Nicole: Talking about, yeah, the way the superior man. But more relevant is the queen code for women to understand because there are things that you could do as a woman, right? We did talk about the surrendered wife and the empowered wife books, right? So not to put the responsibility onto women, but I'm just saying there are things that you can do as a woman to improve the relationship. But you can't just say nobody is perfect. And so everybody in the relationship, even if you're not the man leading the relationship, you have to do your part too.

John: Yeah, but it's not ever to blame someone to say someone cheats on you or like, you know, is disloyal, that it's your fault. But it's to say that a lot of people feel that way, though.

Nicole: Well, you do know you should. It is your responsibility to know the health level of the relationship. Just like when you're driving your car, if it runs out of gas, like, yeah, that can happen, but you should have been looking at the gas meter. And so it's kind of a similar type of thing. It's like you kind of know where that gas meter is in the relationship. I mean, I'm not saying that no one's ever blindsided, but not really. Not like you could be blindsided by a person's actions, but not by the health meter of the relationship. Like, you know where that's at because you have to feel it, especially as a woman. You feel where the relationship is at. There's no way that you're blindsided by that. Like, the actions of the guy, he might seem like perfectly loyal or whatever, he might do some messed-up stuff. I can say, yeah, you could be blindsided by that, but the health level, the gut check of where the relationship's at, you can't be blindsided by that.

Nicole: That's true. Well, so since you said that 95% of men would do this, you are essentially saying 95% of relationships are in danger.

John: Yeah, I think so. I think it's, you know, even the statistics of divorce show that. What is it, like a 60% divorce rate, right? And that's divorce. That doesn't mean living in a bad relationship. Like, if you take 60% of relationships that will eventually end in divorce and you can toss them, you already know those are bad, right? So that only leaves you with 40% left. And if those 40%, how many...

John: There are only five that are good. It's very clear, like, that 40%, you think those are just because you avoided divorce, right? You're going to have to now satisfy that last 40% into saying, okay, on the edge of divorce, how much percentage is that? Probably like 10%. Okay, well, here's, and then you know, if you stratify it up, and then you get to like exceptional relationship, it's solid, it's probably only going to be 5% of that total.

Nicole: Right. I bet of the 95, right, at least, I'll go smaller than I want to, 25% of those men would probably tell you that their relationship is good. Yeah, they would. So, how are you supposed to feel confident as a woman when your husband's telling you your relationship's good and telling other people your relationship's good, but he's entertaining other women on the internet? Because your gut check of your health of the relationship was like, it could be good, but the intimacy level, a woman always knows. She knows how close you are. But where does the accountability of a man lying about the relationship being good come in? Because I agree with you, like you should check in, you need to check the meter, you need to be realistic, right? But also, at the same time, if someone's telling you that the relationship is good, why would you not believe them? Or then you, as a woman, have to be like, okay, well, something feels off, so can you tell me the truth? Like, then now she's taking the lead and trying to fix the relationship. I'm not trying to put the responsibility onto the woman. It's kind of weird that we even went this road with it, to almost shift the blame, you know, because it's not really...

John: I agree that you probably know deep down that there's something off, but my problem is the men, mostly because I know that there's plenty of men that aren't happy, and they will entertain a woman that enters their DMs and whatever. But the ones that are claiming that they are happy and still entertain them, I don't fully understand that. And I get that they're probably not as happy as they think they are, but also, it's more hurtful, I feel like, for a man to say, "Yeah, I'm happy, everything's good, I like my relationship," and then still do that. Because, like you said, if a woman can sense the vibe, or like they haven't been intimate, and they're like not really talking to each other and things like that, she's got to know that that's probably more of a possibility. It shouldn't be like, as a man, you should still be able to control yourself even if you're upset from doing things that are going to hurt your relationship because that's not really going to help, right? By creating more problems when you already have all these other problems. But, like, I guess the most confusing are the men that seemingly have a happy relationship and would even say they do themselves, and then choose to entertain other women. Look, I guess maybe I could put it this way, is maybe, and it is what it is, is that if the man isn't actively pursuing you, he's pursuing someone else in the sense that if he's not actively pursuing you in the relationship, you know, if the woman does not feel like that man is constantly going, like pursuing her, like what I mean is building, trying to make the relationship stronger and better, that's what that is, then he will probably be open to receptive to other women. It's not about happiness because a man can be happy, but it's not about that. It's like he actually has to be actively trying to build and increase the level of closeness in their relationship because that is what leading the relationship. Because if he's focused on that, like look, as a man, I don't want to build someone else's business. I'm building, if I'm building my business, but if I'm not building my business, then maybe I'm over here and doing this one, or this opportunity, you know what I'm saying? But if I have my thing and I'm focused on it and I see it growing and I'm building that thing, I'm not tempted by other opportunities. Like, this is the thing that I'm devoting my energy and effort to. But if I'm not devoting my energy and effort to something, then my energy and effort can be diverted to something. But how can a woman feel safe and secure then with any man unless they have the security things that are put in place that we've talked about? Because, yeah, again, if you're not putting the blame on women, I can't hear anything you're saying without feeling like I hear it's women's fault. Why is it not men's fault to keep his focus on the one person?

John: I guess what I'm saying is I'm telling how a woman can know, right? Okay, and how she should already suspect and know because, and the only reason why I'm saying it that way is because it's going to come to a shock to a lot of these women that these guys are going to respond to this woman because they're going to think that everything's solid, but in their really deepest of hearts, they know that that intimacy that they want to have, it's not there, and that man's not continuing to invest in them, right? It's like, but let's not be wrong, squarely the responsibility and the leadership and the blame, if I don't even like to use blame, but it falls on the man because in no way, no matter who you are as a man in a committed relationship, you should not be responding to any. Well, if the tables were turned too, like you said, if some guy with followers or Leonardo DiCaprio messaged your wife, it's her fault if she responds. Like, it's her choice, like she doesn't have to. So, the thing is, it's really whoever's fault is responding back to these people, really. Like, the word fault or blame, but because I would tell the guy it's your fault that she responded to Leonardo DiCaprio because it's like if you haven't made your woman feel special enough, if you haven't done things, if you're not actively, if you don't understand and know her well enough, whether it is that you have access to her phone or you don't even need to because you know where she is and what she's doing, again, not from a weird controlling type of perspective, but because you have an interest in her life, transparency, like openness perspective because your lives are so joined that you know where each other is at all the time and what each other is doing and what each other is thinking. Like, that's from a weird controlling, I have to monitor everything type of perspective, but from that, then yeah, you screwed up as a man. So, but you know, I still think it's whoever reached out because you have a choice. Yeah, it is. Like, there's levels to this, then it's everybody's fault. Then it's like you're responsible for your own actions, but as a man ultimately, you're responsible for the relationship and the woman in the family, and.

John: Whatever happens, it's your ultimate responsibility. As a man, you either failed to vet or dismiss a woman that shouldn't be in your life, to instruct her, to build the relationship, or to fulfill her. In some way, you failed as a man in this circumstance, which is fine. That's a message I'll give to a man. I won't tell a woman, "Somehow you failed because your man..." But what I'm saying is, the only way that you failed as a woman is to identify, to listen to your intuition about what the strength level of the relationship, the intimacy level is because you have that meter that a man doesn't have. Right? I know all women know by intuition where the health of that relationship is, and when it's in the danger zone, or even if it's just not in the great zone, then you can't be 100% surprised.

Nicole: How does that not put a lot of pressure though? Because even I'm going to be real right now, sometimes when I feel like you're upset with me, I don't think you're going to go do something like that. But women have been conditioned to think, okay, if the man's unhappy, he's going to go do something he's not supposed to do. And that's not wholly a bad thing because what does it cause you to do when you feel that way? I mean, you're more likely to try to fix the problem, to try to get the relationship back up to the intimacy level, to restore. But I feel like it is unhealthy though to be like, it's almost like a threatening sort of thing. And you don't threaten me, but it's like things like this when you hear a man talk about, well, you know, if it's not at 100%, then it was bound to happen potentially. I don't like that. It causes unnecessary anxiety. It makes you feel like you can't make a mistake and there can't be issues. Whatever level our relationship is at, I mean, it's always at 150 billion percent, but like whatever level it is at, I would never ever entertain any other woman. Right? Like, you know, so that should be something that a man just does and is a way to live. And again, I have not lived in that integrity my whole life, right, but I do now. And that's how, again, we talked about the other episode of the pitfalls of my path in life. But a man should live in that integrity 100%, right? So, a woman shouldn't have to question, okay, if things aren't really like 100% great, then is he going to not live in that integrity? She shouldn't have to do that because she can't trust you if you do that. Like, you're not a rock if you guys get in a fight and you're going to go message some Instagram model or respond to someone else. Like, how are you the rock and the leader and the one that's running everything when you can't handle when things aren't 100%? And you go and make decisions that affect everybody. But there's a natural thing in the woman that when she feels like the relationship is not like this, that she's worried about those things. And it's a good thing. Like, she shouldn't have to worry about it, the guy should, you know. But no matter what I ever say as a man, you're still going to feel that because it's a biological feeling because it is how it is. The intuition that a woman should listen to is that you need things to always be like this. If they're not, then that's not good. So, it's driving you to make things like this as much as possible. And so, listen to that is what I'm saying.

John: Yeah, I don't think it's a bad thing as in the sense of repairing. I think it's a bad thing in that a lot of men aren't actually the rocks that they think they are, and they're not actually living from a place of integrity and having morals and standards and things like that. Like, that is where, because some women, you know, they get in an argument and a man does go and do things like that almost to like punish her, and that's wrong. Like, even if she's wrong and even if she's treating you poorly, it lowers your value as a man, right? It absolutely does. And then it erodes trust. Like, you have to create a safe environment for a woman to bloom. You know, the only way, but you've seen it because you know me now for long enough, of my coaching of men, that how many men are susceptible to, I'm not going to name names obviously, but I coach a lot of guys and I deal with this kind of them being open to advances from women, right, a lot. And that's why when a man tells me about a thing, I don't even shame him about it because I know that this is a reality of life. But I tell them how to strengthen the relationship so that it won't happen again, right? Because that's the thing, is like if it's not actively not happening, you know, if there's not an action to move the relationship in a higher place, then there's a danger. Then it is under attack because it is under attack always from the outside world, right? Like, this is what we live in. And so, if there's not a constant building, you know, that's why you got to be listening to this podcast every week and together and working. No, but seriously, but working on their relation. Like, if you're not actively doing that, then you're under the danger of that.

Nicole: No, it's true. And I'm not saying this lady in this video is doing this, yeah, but I guess too, before we got together, I didn't realize how many women go after men that are taken. And I mean, I'm sure there's a flip side too, where men go after taken women, but I think it's more so that women are like, men don't go after taken. I mean, not actively unless you want to die. Unless you want to die as a man. Like, women go after taken men. Men generally, like if you're stupid. Well, that's what that woman said in the comments, she was like, "I'd go to jail if someone said that to my husband." So, it's like she's trying to protect her relationship just like you just said. And then that lady's messaging her husband, like not smart to mess with that kind of stuff. But definitely, as a man, yeah, you'd be real stupid. Like, I just didn't realize that there are women out there who are actively seeking taken men, and that's just also very disheartening. Like, as a woman, who I care about women, and you know, I want them to be happy and have the relationship that they want to have, which every woman, deep down, no matter what they're going to say, wants to have a good relationship or like their dream relationship and the love that they've always dreamed of. But stealing someone else's man is not the way to do it. Like, that's just not going to.

John: Get you a man who can be completely different with another woman because it's less about the man and more about the woman he's with. I'm not saying that you can't have a good man, but men are influenced by the flowers that are in their garden.

Nicole: I get what you're saying. That's where the whole thing, "if he wanted to, he would" comes from. With one woman, you hear stories about a guy doing the bare minimum, and then he gets a girlfriend right after and he's buying her flowers, treating her like a princess, and then they get engaged six months later, despite being with the other girl for like five years.

John: In the pre-commitment phase, that applies. After you're in the relationship, the man is the man that he is.

Nicole: Well, yeah. I'm not saying that he changes in the marriage or in the commitment, but women who think they see a man acting one way and think, "Oh, I want him and he's going to do all the things for me," that is not necessarily the case. And you should not be pursuing somebody that is in a relationship. You don't know what happens behind closed doors, his temper, and how he behaves.

John: But women do that for really one of two reasons. They want what other people have because biologically, women are programmed to use other women's pre-selection criteria. If other women like the guy, then it's like a short circuit to be able to evaluate a man. That's why women like guys of high status and power; they're pre-selected.

Nicole: If other women like a man, then that woman can say, "Oh, well if other women like him, then he must be valuable." That's one reason why women go after a taken man. But the other reason is because of insecurity or revenge, which is basically the same thing. It's like, "Oh, I can prove myself by taking this man from this other woman," which is what this woman is doing in the video.

John: And worse, she's doing it just to get revenge. She doesn't want any of these men; she just wants to ruin their marriages.

Nicole: Exactly. And like, but she shouldn't even be able to. I agree with that, but it's also on her to even be doing this. Maybe there might be women listening to this that would contemplate doing what she's doing. The way she's handling negative comments is just very gross, and she's breaking up marriages potentially for the fun of it, and that's so wrong.

John: Well, she's not destroying anything that's not already vulnerable. But at the same time, are you playing God? You're going to blow up the final bomb. Sure, people are going to know that their husbands aren't fully invested in them, but you're putting all this on the internet for people to see. You're just destroying marriages for fun on the internet.

Nicole: That kind of goes into the internet turning into a very negative place, fueled by a lot of hurtful, gross things. This should not be okay.

John: It's an ego-based thing, right? Because why is she doing it? It's to get the views, to get the validation. But also, don't leave hateful comments. Someone might come and message your husband, and maybe your relationship isn't ready for that, and now it's going to blow up prematurely.

Nicole: That's really what's happening. It's like a wakeup call. Like, hey, watch what you do. All of your actions have consequences. Would your relationship survive this woman coming after your man? If not, then hey, maybe it's time to start reading some books and listening to some podcasts to build your relationship.

John: Yeah, but I mean, like, I guess to, I'm still stuck on the comment that she mentioned wasn't even that bad. So then, are you not supposed to comment on stuff? People are very mean and harsh in the comments, and they act like there's not another human being on the other side of the phone. I don't agree with that either, but I also don't agree with doing the same thing, if not worse, to people.

Nicole: If someone said that to my husband, I'd go to jail. I don't feel like that's really that bad. Sure, it could be better worded, but I don't feel like that's grounds for a consequence of now she's messaging her husband. And I don't know, I guess I'm very much stuck too, and I guess because I don't have to worry about you, so I'm like, why is what's that song, "Jolene"?

John: Jolene, Jolene, let's like leave my husband alone, don't take my man. But like, God, I don't know. It's just, you're crying about people saying mean things, but then you're literally breaking up marriages. And again, they're not sturdy obviously if they can be broken. I understand that she's not worth the breath. It's what she's doing that opens up a conversation.

Nicole: Yeah, but I agree with you 100%. I think that needs to be said because I feel like this is not the right way.

John: Exactly. You're not teaching anybody a lesson. You're doing the same thing that you're trying to teach somebody a lesson about. I did a video this morning, talking about levels of consciousness on my uncut channel. I was talking about levels of consciousness and stuff. You can read all these religious books, but there's just one thing, one fundamental thing that if you did this, it would encompass everything, which is respond to all things, all people, all events in love, not react, respond. That's it. That covers everything. Every problem you have is covered by that one, but people don't even know what that means fully.

Nicole: True, that's it. That's it. That just covers everything.

John: But back to the main thing, that's all we have to say. It's like, that's it. You want an end solution to all relationships as well.

Nicole: This is a short one. If you want to end it there...

John: No, no, I don't want to end it. I'm just saying that's all you really even need to say about anything. Like, don't respond to a woman in your DMs with love, like, "Hey, I love you." Block in love. But I mean, guys should know that, especially in this day and age. Look, if you haven't been to the gym in years, and you know that some attractive woman is not going to be attracted to you, yet you get a DM, you should know it's a trap. Not to engage because it's a trap or because you love your wife, just don't engage with any.

Nicole: Yeah, it should be because you're focused on a relationship. But also, just don't be stupid. The thing that's going to kill you is your ego, believing that. That's how women get these guys. They get their ego right. They make a guy feel big man and appreciate. Any woman can, if she knows. But a guy believes that because it's like, if a guy came in and was like, "Oh, you're so wonderful," and all these things, right? Like, guys are like, "You don't know me." But a guy is going to believe some random girl in his DMs like, "Wow, you're the coolest guy I've ever met," because of his ego.

John: Right, because anyone would be like, "You don't even know who I am."

Nicole: Right, no, it wouldn't work. But a guy would be like, "Woo, she loves me already." That's genuinely what they do. So, women, again, this is not supposed to be like, not to use this tool, but this is why when women complain about inequality or patriarchy, I'm like, "God, do you know how easy it is to control men?"

John: Exactly. That's what I think. I'm like, why are you fighting the battle this way? If you really hate men and you really want to fight the battle, fight it around the back. You have so much power that you don't even know. Again, you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't use it for evil, but I'm just saying. It just confounds me because all you have to do is inflate their ego, and they'll eat out of your hand. Whatever you want, they'll believe it, they'll buy it. If you're attractive and you're pumping up a guy's ego, he'll go to the ATM and start taking money out. Maybe exaggerating, but a lot will though.

Nicole: Is that a good thing?

John: It's not a good thing. Like, that's not a real man. Some of the best advice is to ignore the haters and the compliments. Both are wrong. Both are not correct. It's sometimes easier to ignore the haters, but the flattery also is not accurate. The best way to be is to assess your own assessment of yourself. It doesn't matter. I don't care who gives me praises. Sure, it might feel good, but I also know it's some poison they're feeding me. The praises are poison, or the hatred, because what matters to me is my assessment. You could say, "Oh, John, you did a great job," but if I don't feel like I did a good job, and I'm not trying to be overly harsh on myself, but I know what my standard is, then it's not. And that's how you as a man protect yourself from that. No woman can attack you in that way if your judgment of yourself, your assessment of yourself, is honest and that's what you rely on. Then you don't have that weakness.

Nicole: So, but 95% of men...

John: Do. Most people are sheep.

Nicole: Yikes.

John: You know it's the truth. I'm not trying to be like...

John: But it's just reality. That's the thing, I think about this episode as a wakeup call. When you really think about what this lady's doing, she's going to be successful, a lot. Doing something bad, she shouldn't be able to be successful with it, right?

Nicole: Right, and that's where we're at as a society. Because people are like, "Oh, these people are like so..." Your locations are on. What is this like? Or is it like the respect to their partner? Because I feel like as a woman, I would feel like my man doesn't respect me if he's doing that.

John: If he's doing what? Responding?

Nicole: Yeah, it's because I think he could love me. Because men will be like, "Yeah, I love you," and then go cheat on a woman too. Be like, "I still love you," but he doesn't worship, he doesn't respect, he doesn't worship you as a goddess, as which isn't that respect? Like, to worship something, you have to respect it, you have to admire it. It's more than that, right? It's a devotion. But would you say too that if his devotion can so quickly be cut off, then it's not a devotion. A woman knows if a man is devoted to her because there's a difference between love and devotion.

John: That's true. Devotion is more because it is really just a deeper form of love. It's more of the unconditional love, right. So, what happens if you're a woman who's watching this, whose husband answered that lady's DMs? What would you say to the women?

Nicole: I mean, I would not say immediately divorce him and immediately be like, "Oh look, he just proved that he's unloyal." Because if you're realistic, like I'm saying, 95% of guys, a majority of guys, are going not right. Like, what if it's a step further? I think at that point, like, I still think, I mean, okay, it depends on where you are at the, like if you're in a married relationship, you got kids, whatever, you need to work on stuff. And I think also shaming him for it would not be the step, right. It would be to say, "This is not, are you cool with a relationship like this?" Don't ask that, you might say yes, but then, you kind of have your answer, right. Because if someone's caught like that, and you say, "Are you cool with having a relationship like this?" and they say, "Oh yeah, I think this is what we should do," okay, then, now you can do whatever you were going to initially do.

John: I feel like as a woman, though, I don't think I would say that. I think I'd be like, "This is unacceptable in the relationship that I want to have. Like, this cannot happen."

Nicole: Yeah, I think that's fair, you know. Like, I mean, if I'm being honest again, it's me and you, so it's a little bit different to compare it against. It would be hard. I mean, again, if you have kids, then it makes it a little bit more of a thing to stay together. But if it's full-blown emotional cheating, that would be a little hard to just be like, "This is unacceptable," you know. Because here's, I guess, the problem I have.

John: Yeah, it kind of sounds like, "Well, men just don't know any better," or something like that. I'm not saying you're saying that, but I see what you're saying. But I'm saying that it's being treated more of like, "They just don't know any better, their ego is just being stroked, and they just don't know any better. They're just a boy."

Nicole: Like, they don't know. And like, the thing is, though, you do know. You do know that you should not be messaging another woman that's not your wife, deep down. And I get that a lot of relationships don't follow the standards that we have, and they think that everything's fine. And I get that, but at the same time, like, I'm trying to, you know, put the women's side into perspective. Like, I get if it's minimal, being like, "Yeah, this can't happen again," like, and her having boundaries and having standards and having to walk away potentially. But that also, like, and I agree with that, but that doesn't fix the relationship rift issue that needs to be fixed. Because it's like, that's why I would say you want to find out what does he actually want in a relationship. Like, because then you know if you're in alignment or not. Because it's just like, having that boundary and standard, you shouldn't have to babysit. You shouldn't have to be like, "Look, like, this is, like, I'm going to babysit you now, and like, this is what I have to draw this line here." Like, I get it, like, and I'm all for boundaries, but at the same time, should you figure that before? Yeah, and but he should want to have the kind of relationship that those things don't happen in, right. Which I feel like that's the rare thing, right. But if he doesn't, then we did a video so long ago where I literally said, "What woman wouldn't want her man to come up to and like, okay, we're not going to hang out with people of the opposite sex, we're going to have each other's locations. What women wouldn't want that?" But the thing is, besides you, what other man do you know that has come to a woman, besides the one that you've coached, to do it and just outright said that?

John: Here's the thing, though. Because, you know, if we go to the other side of this, right. Because, and I told you this when I was talking about one of the guys I was coaching, I was like, if we looked at the woman's phone, we would find stuff. Like, we wouldn't find anything sexually explicit, but again, a majority of women's phones, if you looked at their phones, it would be some guy that they're still talking to. Again, maybe not crossing the line into like sexual stuff, but confiding in emotionally. Like, maybe, you know, if a rapper or whatever DMs them, they entertain that, they answered, right. They said something, maybe they like, even if you said, "Oh, come let me fly you out," whatever, and she's like, "No, no, I'm married," whatever. Like, but just having the conversation before then, up to that point, like, there'll be a lot of these little tiny, you know, kind of stepping over the lines as well. So, that's the other thing. I'm not saying that women are innocent, but I'm saying that, I don't know if 95% of women, men are doing no. I think it's more, again, a man, like I said, go for the man's ego, you're gonna get him, right.

Nicole: Well, and I think too, like we've said, if a woman is genuinely happy in their relationship, she's not going to. Which doesn't mean that maybe the man's not happy about something, but look, but he needs to also talk about it too. Like, I'm not saying the women can't, if she has that intuition, like feeling, be.

John: Like hey, something's off, and initiate that. But a man also can't be like, "I'm pissed at her, and so I'm but I'm not going to tell her I'm pissed at her, but she should just know. Then I'm going to do this to like show her how pissed I am." But what kind of women are happy in their relationship? One that they feel like the man is understanding them and listening to them and communicating. What percentage of that is, so it's like, so probably a lot of women's phones have stuff on them they shouldn't have on them, right? Because like, let's be honest. So, but again, does it still fall onto the man? Yes, it does, right? It's like, but...

Nicole: You know, that's why. But again, I can't, you know, the men are listening. I can tell those men, and I do tell them, and I tell them every week. But the women are listening. I can only tell you what to watch out for and to like, and to know that if there's not devotion, if he's not devoted to you, then you should probably, you shouldn't have married him. If he's not devoted to you, and not saying that that can't wax and wane over time. But you got to like, as a woman, some people never felt the devotion though, and they got married, and then the relationship has never really been great. And then it's so dysfunctional that maybe they don't care that their husband's responding, or they brush it off or whatever. Like, there's so many different versions. I think as a woman, you're the thermostat of the relationship. Like, you know what the temperature is at. He might be able to up and, you know, you can be like...

John: You know, he can increase the temperature, lower the temp, right. Like, but you can put it on hold.

Nicole: Yeah, but you, yeah, well, and you know where it's at. You can hold the temperature. It's your job to know where it's at. It's his job to lead. It's your job to know where it's at and to be like, "That's not good enough," you know what I mean? Like that. And that's what, even if he's not like communicating with you, yeah, to not be accepting of anything less than what you know that he is fully capable of as a man, and what the relationship should be. And the close, "Stop nagging me." But not through nagging. Not through nagging. Nagging is not... Sometimes men say that women are nagging, and they're really not nagging because they know what to say to get a woman to be upset. But it's the matter like, and you're reading in the, you know, in the whatamacall, the Queen code and stuff. But it's the way that it's worded, in the sense that if you tell a man what you want, if you ask a man for help, if you tell him, "I need this," or "I want this," versus "Why don't you ever do this?" or like "Why aren't you like this husband or this guy on the Better Than Perfect podcast?" He's always like, "He's his wife is always, he's so's like, 'Oh, I love you.'" No, right, you know what I mean? But it, if you're approaching it in the right way, you're going to inspire him because men want to conquer and to make a woman happy. Like, you know, the most, they want to provide. Yeah, they want to do those things. So, so you know, so it's not again, yeah, it's not a [__] on men either because like, you just have to inspire men. But as a woman, you're that thermometer, you're the thermostat. You know where the relationship's at, and you have to be like, "I don't accept this," like in the right way. But like, "I no, I want better than this," right. The man should be striving for excellence, but you are that. You know where the temperature at, and so you've got to be like, "Ah, no." And again, it's the same thing. You're calling the man to be, you know, what he's capable of as a man, and you do it in the right way.

Nicole: But you know, it's like, how would you do that? Can you give an example?

John: I mean, alright, you find out your husband's messaging women on the internet. Like, what do you do? Temper to be, yeah, like after you've already found this out. I mean, it should, before I guess, let's say before, 'cause should be proactive. Like, you can respond to the situation, but if you know that the temperature, you should say things like, tell him what are the things that you want, right? Like, what would make you happy? What things do you desire, right? That you want from him, that he's useful. That he, "I want you to spend more time with me."

Nicole: Yeah, yeah, or something. But not more time. I want you to spend quality time with me.

John: But even, but be specific because it feels like a nag if you're like, "I want you to spend more time with me."

Nicole: Okay, then give an example that's better.

John: I mean, that's still not, not horrible, right? But to say, "I want to, you know, Tuesday night, I want to just, I want you to just spend time with me, to just shower me in love on Tuesday night," or whatever. Like, that's more specific that he's going to respond to, okay? Right. But it can be like, what, what, it just depends on what you actually want, right? What do you want? What would make you feel loved? What would make you feel more feminine? What, you know, ask for the things that you want. Like, "I want you to not DM random women." Not, not, not a negative, better in your messages, not a negative. But you could say that, um, "I want you to value the relationship at such a level that you would not entertain anyone." But it's still like, you, you have to, like, that's a byproduct. "I want us to not message other people." I mean, that's fine, but that's not deepening the relationship. That's like, those are appropriate, don't have the other parts in. But the focus should be on deepening the relationship, not on like the boundary, like the safety on the gun. It's like we're talking about putting those into place if they aren't already.

Nicole: Yeah, yeah, sure, if they're not already. I mean, he should have been putting those in place. But if he's not, then you can say what your boundaries are. But it can almost go without being said, right? Like, it's like because the focus shouldn't be on that. It should be on, you know, if you see something like, and how do you call them? Look, what I was going to say before is that there's many times, and we've talked about on this podcast before, where you have called me to be a better man.

John: Right. I'm not thinking about it though, no, not necessarily. But it's because you're true. Like, that is a value because you don't accept less.

Nicole: Right, the kind of relationship that we have and kind of the things that we consider to be essential to it, most people would think is like crazy ridiculous. Like, you know, that you don't ever yell at each.

John: You don't ever call each other names. It's unacceptable to, like, even if you just say you're being an [__], that's unacceptable.

Nicole: Yeah, that's unacceptable for us. A lot of that is because that is a standard that you hold, which makes it a norm. I'm not saying that I don't have any.

John: Yeah, because you hold yourself to it. You want this for the relationship, so you know, because it would be fine in most relationships to be like, "Oh yeah, okay, yeah we fight sometimes and, you know, sometimes we call each other names but then we make up. We don't really mean it and we're sorry, but we have a good relationship." Like most people, that's okay, that's cool, it's not a big deal. You don't fight a lot, you don't go like crazy vicious at each other, but that's not even acceptable to us.

Nicole: Right, but a lot of that is because you, as the thermometer, you know, as the thermostat, you have a level you set. You put on hold here like, "This is not like we're not going to be below that level." And me, as a man, there's many times where you're challenging me, sometimes not in the best way, sometimes in the good way, but it doesn't matter because as a man, I need to take it either way that it comes. That I'm realizing that I'm not living up to my potential. I have shortcomings that you're making it obvious, but I do also try to do it in the...

John: You do, yeah, it's yeah, you absolutely do. And you're like, well, because I would never hold you to a standard that I wouldn't hold to myself. But as a man, I've got like, you know, you are expected higher, yes. And well, because the leader and you're the man, and you actually are the man, and you are the leader, and so that requires a higher level of responsibility. Because there's this unspoken thing, and sometimes it is spoken, but of that like, "No, it's not equal, no, it's not like you're just acting how I like you have to be better than me." Yeah, I expect you to be like there, you know what I'm saying? It's like, and then it's like, "Yeah, okay, I get it, I understand." Like, you know, it's like sometimes I have to be like, "Okay, you're right, actually, yep, I'm supposed to be better than you. I'm supposed to be like, I'm supposed to," that I said that because that's the ultimate. But that's you having the thermostat at a knowing where it is and be like, "No, this is where it needs to be." Right, it's like, it's not the same as like, in a way, it's leading, but it's not leading, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like the woman knows where the health, she's responsible for the health of the relationship, of indicating when there's a problem. The man is responsible for fixing the problems and for leading the relationship, but the woman is, she needs to be the alarm, the smoke alarm going off when there's smoke in the right way though too. They do start nagging potentially and things like that too, and then he just goes further down, and then now you have to meet him further down where he is because he's so far down you can't even bring him back up.

Nicole: Right, so yeah, but that's, I think that's what, you know, I was thinking about when I saw this thing is this because it's like, yeah, it's sad, it's sad that there's so many women that the men would be susceptible to it, but at the same time, those women are not, they're not doing their like, they need to be the alarm needs to be going off alarm because they know that they are the barometer, they are the thermostat, they know what the level's at and it's not at an acceptable level. And so, I mean, it's not their fault, but at the same time, like, you can do, sound the alarm, yeah.

John: You can, you can do like, ultimately, he has to respond, he has to do something, he has to, ultimately, right. You can help influence him, you can tell him what you want. Like, have you done all those things, really done those things without nagging, you know? Well, and men need to know, you can't claim to be a man and be so easily influenced by a woman giving you attention and stroking your ego and not focusing on what you're supposed to be focusing on, like your relationship. Because the thing is, nobody should be entertaining anybody else unless they've ended that relationship. I'm not even looking at my DM. I mean, I have to catch up with your DMs of you sending me 15 DMs every day on how much you love me and sending me like, like we're soulmates and skeletons kissing each other and stuff, which is great, I love it, but like, I don't, I like, am I looking at, I don't even know. I just have my primary, I don't even look over to the requests or whatever. But you would also tell me if somebody messaged you.

Nicole: Yeah, but I'm not like, I don't, it's so, you couldn't even catch me that way because it wouldn't even, I wouldn't even notice it. It wouldn't be on the radar.

John: Yeah, because I'm not even, you, I'm so unreceptive to it that it's not even, it's not even something that I would even notice.

Nicole: Yeah, that's, and that's how it should be, honestly. Right, not to toot my own horn, but that's how it should be. A hundred percent invested in the person you're with.

John: Yeah, 'cause my mind is thinking about how can I make our relationship better, how can I improve the things that, like, how can I show up better? Like, it's focused on those thoughts all the time, right, besides my work and, you know, but that's what I'm thinking about. Yeah, and so like, so if you're listening to this and you don't feel that way or you feel like your husband is not focused on you, then there's, it's time to do some work.

Nicole: Yeah, and as a man, like, that's what you need to start doing is like, you need to be to the point where it's like, yeah, use your singular focus to focus on your relationship. And like, I was telling you know, 'cause I, you just, yeah, we're getting, but one of my coaching clients that was struggling with one of these, and like, he had had some entertainment with, you know, with a woman, um, and that wasn't his, you know, his woman, and there was some, um, I'm trying to make it not identifiable, but, uh, but he, you know, he had, you know, had some messages and stuff, and he felt like this feeling that he hadn't felt in a long time, and that was what the intoxicating thing was. And I told him, I was like, "You can have that with the woman that you're with, right? Like, you, like, that's, it's good that you got a taste of that because you can have that every day. It doesn't have to be like you don't have to go somewhere else."

John: For that, it doesn't have to be something new, but you can build that. And that's what I'm saying. The encouragement to guys is, it's like, yeah, I get it. Maybe if you're in that place and you feel like, "Oh well, you know, this is new, this is exciting," because I've been there also. Not in this, you know, but in the past. And I can tell you that you can just live that every day, but it requires a lot of work. And that's what I told him. I was like, "It's going to require a lot of work. Like, you're going to have to, but if you really want that, you can have that. And you can have it where it never goes away, and you don't have to keep on swapping out to a new one every..." Because that's what it would be if you don't want to do the work. And that's the main problem. You're going to have to constantly swap people out.

Nicole: Right, yeah, because you can get that hit again, sure, but you can have it all the time and better.

John: Right, right. And that's what, because that's what we have.

Nicole: Yeah.

John: And that's, but it requires the work. So, that is the devotion. That is the, like, you have, as a man, be like, "I'm so focused on this relationship and building it, in leading her and guiding her, that you wouldn't even notice if someone DM'd you. Like, you're not even going to look at the profile and see, 'Is she hot or not?' It doesn't matter because you've got time for that. Like, I'm focused on building my thing."

Nicole: Yeah, because if you're not focused on building your thing, then why'd you get married? If you're not focused on building your relationship that you committed to for the rest of your life, and you're never going to be done. I've been working on it every day.

John: Well, and the real issue too is, after reading that Queen's Code book, is as a man, you can't fully invest in your relationship and your marriage and entertain something else. You can't. You can only do one thing at a time.

Nicole: Right.

John: And anytime that you're focused on something that's not your marriage, you're giving that energy that you could have put into your marriage to someone else.

Nicole: Yeah, it's kind of like starting two projects at one time. Like, this project is very well formulated, planned out. You planned it, you got married, you had a wedding, you have kids, and then starting something, and you only have a block of wood.

John: Exactly, like, why are you diverting from this thing to focus on a block of wood where you need a lot more to build?

Nicole: Right, and you can only do one thing at a time.

John: Yeah, and believe me, take it from me. Like I said, I have done, I have been that guy, the other guy, the bad guy.

Nicole: The bad guy, yes.

John: I've been, you know, I did. There's no good and bad, right?

Nicole: Yeah, no good and bad.

John: But I've been that guy. So that's how I know. But I'm not now, and I learned. But you don't have to learn the way that I learned. You know, again, like, there's different circumstances I could always cite about my previous relationship and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can say all kinds of justifications, but it doesn't... I still did what I did. And I'm saying that, you know, it's not about the other person. It's about you, as a man, doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Nicole: Yeah, that's it.

John: At the end of the day. So true. Alright, well, I think we did all we could with that.

Nicole: Alright, well, I mean, we don't got nothing for the end, but that's okay. Hopefully, we won't have much more.

John: How come you can't talk country, and you're from the country? What's up with that? You, I got to know about this right now. Like, what is going on here?

Nicole: I think it's time to end this episode. We're a little delusional right now.

John: Alright, we'll see you all folks next time.