Nicole [00:00:00]: That's just the message to ladies in their 30s, 40s. They're tired of playing games. They just wanna be upfront and be honest and straight. And I get it. And it makes sense. Except don't do it. You do have to play a game.

John [00:00:09]: But you don't need to say it as a woman. You don't need to be like, I'm looking for a serious relationship. Because you can also turn a hoe into a husband.

Nicole [00:00:20]: Yeah. Just gotta do the right tactic. Get him confused, show him a boob. Get him confused. Flashbang. He's like, what the hell is going on? What happened here?

John [00:00:28]: Exactly. Then he's too far in happened. And here we are. Then you get the ring, ladies.

Nicole [00:00:34]: Beyond the perfect, we discover through our flaws, we complete each other. Better than perfect. We stay through every fault. We find our way. Welcome back to the better than perfect podcast where every week we show you.

John [00:00:56]: How to imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship. And we also finish each other's sentences. I guess too.

Nicole [00:01:06]: I got stuck on the share or show you. We share with you. We show you.

John [00:01:12]: Which I mean, same same, but different.

Nicole [00:01:14]: But which sounds better? I don't know. Is it like we show you. We share. Oh, we show. Yeah, we show you. That's what it's supposed to be. That's what I said.

John [00:01:22]: Actually. I have no idea what.

Nicole [00:01:23]: No show you make sense. Yeah.

John [00:01:24]: I don't even know what I just said.

Nicole [00:01:26]: It could be officially whatever we want it to be, so.

John [00:01:28]: That's true.

Nicole [00:01:29]: We to choose, so. Oh. So we actually did have something that was kind of small talky to talk about today, which was the Love is Blind news season that we're watching.

John [00:01:41]: We're gonna have to start live streaming. Our reaction. Yeah, maybe next season.

Nicole [00:01:46]: Next season.

John [00:01:47]: We didn't do it this season. Yeah, we were kind of behind at first. We're up to date, but.

Nicole [00:01:53]: But it's pretty interesting. Pretty interesting show.

John [00:01:56]: I mean, we've already talked about this, but it's just hard because I don't feel like any of them are really there for the right reasons anymore.

Nicole [00:02:05]: Yeah, it doesn't.

John [00:02:06]: But it like, it's fun to watch different people interact and see how they handle things and how it's just like a human psychology kind of thing where you're like, oh, that's interesting. Even though it's edited and. Yeah, all of these things. But it is still interesting. Especially because, like, I know that the Chelsea girl has been getting a lot of hate on the Internet.

Nicole [00:02:31]: Oh, yeah, that's a good.

John [00:02:33]: But it's like. Yeah. Is she a little insecure? Sure.

Nicole [00:02:38]: Yeah.

John [00:02:38]: But he's. Whatever his name is. Jimmy is not really making her feel secure. So it's like, making it worse. So it seems extreme. But what people aren't, like, validating is that Jimmy is perpetuating this.

Nicole [00:02:54]: Yeah.

John [00:02:55]: With all the. With the way he acts, the way he responds, having girlfriends that he's banged before, like, the list could go on. But it's just funny how, like, even people's reaction to it, like, they don't even see also the things that he's doing to make her further into this.

Nicole [00:03:18]: And it kind of goes to the point that you're making that women acting in a way that's needy or dependent on a man or whatever. That a lot of people attack women for doing that.

John [00:03:32]: Right.

Nicole [00:03:32]: And again, I mean, she's like, the insecurity is not exactly the same, but I mean, he had called her clingy in the episode and that's like, not cool at all.

John [00:03:44]: And yeah. Like you said, like, the people are more focused on what she's doing.

Nicole [00:03:49]: Yeah.

John [00:03:49]: Than what he's doing when it's like, they're both doing it. But it's like, it makes her look so bad.

Nicole [00:03:56]: Yeah.

John [00:03:57]: That people want to focus on that. But really it's like she's just being a woman and, like, she's responding to how he's reacting to her.

Nicole [00:04:07]: Yeah.

John [00:04:08]: And now she looks, like, super insecure and people are like, oh, this is horrible. And it's almost trying to, like, make women like women are trying to make women harder and be like, why are you having these emotions? Like, why do you care? Let him go out and go drink with his girlfriend that he used to bang all the time. Like, what? No, you don't have to be a pick me girl where you're like, oh, I'm the cool girlfriend. You know what I mean? Go out with your girlfriends and drink. It's like, do you care?

Nicole [00:04:38]: Yeah.

John [00:04:38]: If it's like that? Like, I don't know. Like, you don't have to be, like, going to the extreme. But everybody has some form of insecurities, and I think hers are just being heightened because he's not treating her properly.

Nicole [00:04:54]: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's right. And I think that their whole relation, I think theirs is the best example from the show. Just like a lot of things we talk about, too, like, conflict resolution, too. Because there are conflicts, like her problems of her emotional hurts. And then she reacts in a way that's pretty Disrespectful, calling him a liar and stuff like that. Right. And then they meet up the next day and they make up and they say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But they never actually resolve the underlying issue. So her feelings.

John [00:05:28]: So it's still there.

Nicole [00:05:30]: Yeah. That never gets resolved. And then him. The way that she called them a liar.

John [00:05:34]: Feel safe.

Nicole [00:05:35]: Right. So neither of those things get resolved. So then they're like paving over the thing and then it's just going to come back. And I think that was so important because that is just a great example for people that are watching that show is that that's how you get out of the honeymoon phase. That's exactly how it happens. Is because you have conflicts which are inevitable and then the conflicts don't get resolved properly. So they get. They get paved over.

John [00:06:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:00]: And then that's called resentment. Grudges build over time. You start to actually not like the person you're with. You might even still be attracted to them, but you don't like them.

John [00:06:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:11]: You might love them, but you don't like them. And when you don't like them, that's a problem.

John [00:06:16]: Right. So, yeah, I think Johnny and Amy are the only ones that should get married. But even they have their own little things. But they at least seem to really like each other and respect each other and have fun with each other and talk things out and handle things.

Nicole [00:06:31]: Yeah. But drop a comment if you'd like us to do a live stream of the next season, if you're interested in it. But I think it's good if you like this podcast and you like that show on Netflix because it's about relation. That's why we like it.

John [00:06:46]: Right. Exactly.

Nicole [00:06:48]: All right, I guess we should jump into the topic for today. So. So interesting thing. So some people were commenting, they were asking about. Because we kind of didn't really talk about the three week abstinence thing that we went through. So I thought a good topic for today based on that and we could talk about various other things as well is sex. It'll just be broad. Yeah. I'm sure we'll do other episodes where we talk about more specific, detailed things about sex. But. Or not.

John [00:07:20]: No. Our parents watch this, but we'll just.

Nicole [00:07:23]: Talk about it in terms of relationship. Like the questions. People have a couple of tips, things like that. How to make it good. Where does it fall in place in the relationship? How important it is. I think. So maybe we could start with the three week. The question everyone's asking. Why did we do that. What was the outcome? What was your. What did you believe about it or.

John [00:07:50]: Well, I guess we got to go back to kind of ish why we did it.

Nicole [00:07:53]: Yeah.

John [00:07:54]: So it's like when we first got together, like, you had had some things from your past that you were concerned about, and you talked to me about those. And I kind of took it as like I was doing something wrong, which isn't what you were saying, but I got kind of afraid and kind of internalized that. And then even though we had talked about it, like, I was still kind of, like, putting pressure on myself in regards to some of those things. And so I had felt that. And then you were feeling your type of way, which I'll let you explain for yourself. But, like, you had your things that you were dealing with. And so we were kind of stuck. Like, I think we did talk about that. We were in a gridlock. So it was like how I. What the. Like, the things that I was putting on myself, even though that wasn't the reality.

Nicole [00:08:47]: Right.

John [00:08:48]: Had me stuck. And then the things that you, you know, were going through, like, because we were both going through something from each side at a time, we were kind of like, stuck.

Nicole [00:08:58]: And the weird thing about it, I'll add to it, is that we weren't stuck in the sense that, like, we.

John [00:09:04]: Weren'T being intimate or whatever.

Nicole [00:09:06]: Yeah. Our sex life was still beyond fantastic. It was just that we were stuck in our own, like, roadblocks to, like, just different hang ups or, you know, around emotional.

John [00:09:19]: Other part of it. Yeah, like, not the actual intimacy part, but exactly more of, like, you know, I'll talk about mine because I want to talk about yours. Like, are you. Am I engaging in this enough that he wants? Like, is it this way enough for him? Like, you know, is he gonna be upset if I, you know, don't feel very well and don't really want to do it tonight? You know, like, those were some of my, like, things that I was putting on myself. And then I didn't also want to, like, upset you because I care about you. Not because I'm like, people pleasing you, but because I, like, I care about you and what you want, but at the same time, like, I need to talk about what I'm going through. So it was just like, a really tough place.

Nicole [00:10:02]: Yeah.

John [00:10:04]: And so we decided to, like, you know, know nothing for three weeks. Even though there was one time where there was something that happened.

Nicole [00:10:16]: Technically didn't cross the line, but I.

John [00:10:19]: Think technically it did cross the line, but we Gave ourselves a little grace, a pass on it.

Nicole [00:10:24]: Yeah. I mean, we did pretty damn good. Especially consider what our normal schedule is.

John [00:10:30]: Yeah, I agree.

Nicole [00:10:31]: Which is pretty crazy. Yeah. So. Yeah, so I think we did good. But yeah. And to talk to what you're saying, like on my side of it, obviously, and this is a common thing, I think that a lot of couples will relate to the frequency type of issue and the pressures. And even like you said, it wasn't something that I was putting on you. It was something that we had a doc a long time ago and you were putting on yourself at that point. But it still affected because then for me, I didn't feel the natural desire as much because obviously in the case when you're thinking about stressing about these things, then it's just not seeming to come from a natural place. And so we wanted to get back to. Okay, let's take a hiatus for three weeks for two reasons. One, to get back to just a natural. So break any kind of patterns of whatever. And then two, I think also to make it clear also that I think every woman has the insecurity that a guy, like, if he doesn't get sex, then he's gonna disappear. He's not gonna love her anymore. And sometimes that's true. So just to make you feel completely confident about that, about me, because that's something that I wanted. And I was the one who came up with this idea, by the way. Not, you know, I think. Cause that's. And that was my primary thinking when I came up with the idea. But. But I think it was a good. I think it also brought out some conflicts as well, I think during the time. Because I think sometimes maybe some conflicts are avoided when there is sex because you don't want to mess up the sex that you know is going to happen that night. So you may not actually get into some of the conflicts that you should. And so it was actually good because there was several things that we had to go through and discuss that ended up really, I think, bringing us closer together at the end of that. And then I think sometimes, and we don't really do this, but I think a lot of people also use sex as a sort of, you know, you hear the angry sex or the upset, everything. Yeah.

John [00:12:41]: And that's like wipe it away rather than resolving it.

Nicole [00:12:44]: Right. And that's exactly what we just talked about. The beginning is not a good thing to do ever. It's like, it's like, it's good to have, you know, have the intimate, you know, after you've had the. But after you've really, really resolved the thing. Not as a substitute for resolving the thing.

John [00:12:59]: So, yeah, it was a good, like, reset sort of thing. And a lot of it was on me because you assured me multiple times, you're like, I love you. Like, it's, you know, not those things. But the reason you off, like, had the idea, too, was so that you could show me that you love me even without this thing. Like, obviously, we're not gonna go totally without it.

Nicole [00:13:21]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John [00:13:21]: By choice. But it's like, you know, you wanted to show me in those three weeks that, like, your love for me didn't change.

Nicole [00:13:30]: Yeah.

John [00:13:31]: Taking that part out, which, like, as a woman, does make you feel good because, like, you said, like, sometimes, like, I don't feel like you love me just for that.

Nicole [00:13:40]: No, no.

John [00:13:42]: Women know it's a very important thing to a man. And so you even offering that as, like, a solution to our problem and then focusing on loving me rather than the intimate part, like, was a big deal. And I think it really helped a lot. And I realized, too, that I don't use intimacy to be close to you in the way that you do. But when we didn't have it, I did realize that I didn't feel as close. Like, we were still close.

Nicole [00:14:10]: Right? Yeah.

John [00:14:11]: But we use that to be closer to each other.

Nicole [00:14:15]: Yeah.

John [00:14:16]: And, like, without it, we could still be close. But of course, yeah, it's not the, like, spiritual experience that. Yeah, it is with it.

Nicole [00:14:27]: And I think that's something. And that's a common thing for men is that as I've coached a lot of men, and I've read a lot of books on. On male psychology and whatnot in relationship, that men will tend to view sex as more of a closeness thing. And women don't realize that about men. And they don't necessarily see that. They're like, oh, there's other ways to be close. But then I think it's good to experience that, to say, oh, actually it does make a difference in the closeness. Because when you're without it for a long time, then you can sort of feel how that. Right.

John [00:15:02]: And there are still differences with men and women in regards to sex. Because, like, you, we could have, like, a very emotional conversation. You're, like, ready to go. Because, like, you just said, like, you want that closeness.

Nicole [00:15:14]: Right.

John [00:15:14]: But as a women, like a woman, a lot of times it's like, I'm mentally still processing all this stuff. Yeah, it's very mental for women. So it's like, if something's still going on. And that's also why when we were in the gridlock thing, like, it didn't keep us from being intimate. But the mental talk in my head of like, oh, am I doing this enough? Like, am I gonna upset him? Like, took away from the naturalness of it. And so it's. It's very mental for women. And it's not so much for men. Like, they could, like, flip a switch. They could be like, crying one minute, two seconds later, they're like, you wanna have sex? And you're like, what? Like, women would be like, there's no way. Like, there's no way a woman could be crying and then two seconds later be like, let's get it on.

Nicole [00:16:01]: Like, yeah, yeah.

John [00:16:02]: You know, I mean, I'm not saying that it couldn't lead to that, but it's not a switch.

Nicole [00:16:06]: But it's not a switch. It's a process that.

John [00:16:08]: Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, that's why it's so important for foreplay with women, because it's a process. You can't just like, you gotta be like, all right, let's do it, you know, and then try to stick it in two seconds later. It's like, that's not how it works.

Nicole [00:16:22]: And this is the thing that guys don't get about this, which is that when they hear that it's a process, they think it's a physical process, as in lubricating the equipment. That's true. But that's not what you're talking about.

John [00:16:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:16:38]: Because it's a revving up the engine, the mental process. So it's not just, you can't solve this with Ky. Yeah.

John [00:16:48]: Just put some Lubon, like, no, yeah.

Nicole [00:16:50]: That doesn't solve it. But it's that process. And it's also, I think, correct me if I'm speaking wrong, but I'll give my translation of what I've learned as a man about women is that a lot of times it's a day long process, not just 15 minutes prior to the event. And it's a lifelong process in the sense that it's about the connection of the relationship. So it's almost like. Actually now I'm filling in some blanks here. See if this makes sense. To try this theory on women. In order to have sex or to want to have sex, they have to have closeness in the relationship, I would say. So sex brings closeness in a relationship to the man. And it does, I think, for both, but more so like that. And so that's where you can also get at a standstill is that someone's gotta bend, you know, to a degree, or both can meet in the middle is a good thing. But I think that is the other part of it too is that it's like the state of the relationship has to be in a good place in order not to say that you can't, but in order for it to really be something that a woman is in the mood for.

John [00:18:13]: Right? Yeah. It takes a lot to get a woman in the mood. And even if she's trying to have some fun for the night, that is driven by something entirely different. Like that is driven by her just trying to find validation or feel a certain type of way. And because she's so down on herself and she doesn't have a partner. But when you're in a relationship, it stems from the closeness. Like it's totally different. You know what I mean? Like a one night stand is not about closeness. It's not about connection. It's not about the romantic or whatever. It's about what she can get that she feels like she's lacking in this not best way. Cause it's kind of like numbing your feelings with alcohol. That's what one night stands are for women. It's like, yes, for the night you'll feel better about yourself in some way. But the second that that's done, you've lost it again.

Nicole [00:19:16]: It's interesting that you say feel better about yourself, not feel good or feel better because the object of that is to feel better about yourself in that.

John [00:19:26]: Case, which is, I mean, I'm just being real. Like I know a lot of women won't say that, but like I could guess that a lot of women feel that way because that is what it is, right. And you know, at times when I've been at my lowest a long time ago, yeah, like I've made choices of getting attention from men not because like I cared about that guy, but because I needed it for me. And that's not right, you know, like, yeah, it's not good, it's not, it's not healthy, it's not the right way to do it. But it will get you what you want temporarily. And that's why you have to work on yourself when, if you're in that situation because you can never get it from, from men like that. Like in those temporary situations. But in regards to like a relationship, it's about the connection, it's about the closeness. That's why like when I said, you know, when we didn't have it for three weeks?

Nicole [00:20:23]: Yeah.

John [00:20:24]: Like, we had never done that.

Nicole [00:20:26]: So.

John [00:20:26]: So I didn't realize until we did that too, how it made me feel closer to you. Like, I already knew that it made you feel closer to me.

Nicole [00:20:35]: Right. But.

John [00:20:36]: But I didn't realize that it also did the same for me. Like, not in the exact same way, but.

Nicole [00:20:43]: But in a different way.

John [00:20:44]: And, like, it does add a level of closeness. And, I mean, you're literally connecting together. Like, that's what it is. And so I didn't realize how much I connected with you and how much I valued that. Like, obviously I valued it.

Nicole [00:21:01]: Right. No, I know.

John [00:21:02]: It's like you look at it in a different way. Like, it's not just about doing the things, like, and going through the motions. It's about this actual experience, which a lot of people talk about, you know, that it should be experience. Like, it's gonna have an effect on you and it should do that. And even the, like, more shallow things, you don't think that's gonna affect you, but it does. Like, in the wrong way. Cause you're getting these things that you want temporarily, but, you know, when you wake up the next day, you're. You also feel crappy because you just used somebody basically for this thing. And, like, it wasn't a meaningful and intimate experience.

Nicole [00:21:43]: Right.

John [00:21:43]: You know, even if it wasn't necessarily bad, it's not with someone that you care about. It's not with someone that you love. It's not with someone that means something to you.

Nicole [00:21:51]: Right.

John [00:21:51]: So there is also this, like, kind of hangover after that of feeling bad.

Nicole [00:21:58]: Yeah.

John [00:21:58]: You know, so one, since we're kind of talking about the single part, the question, you know, someone reached out to me and said, when should women sleep with men? You know, that they're dating.

Nicole [00:22:10]: Yeah. Yeah. That's a good question.

John [00:22:12]: And you know, I'm not saying if you have an amazing first date and you have a good connection that it couldn't organically lead to you on the first date. Yeah, I highly recommend not doing that.

Nicole [00:22:25]: Right.

John [00:22:26]: Just because you have to make a man work for it. Even if you really like him, even if you really want to have sex with him because you actually like him and you want that connection. Like I just talked about, it's best to wait at least a few dates in because also, too, you never know if he's going to switch up on you as a woman. And then now you've slept with this guy and now he unfortunately, like, maybe you have had a connection and it was great for You. But he used you. And now you feel bad about that or whatever.

Nicole [00:22:56]: Right.

John [00:22:57]: So I would wait a few dates in. And also, I read this book about femininity. I can't remember the. I'm horrible with the title. It was called Authors. It's like the Feminine Revolution or something.

Nicole [00:23:09]: Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is.

John [00:23:11]: And they talk about. I forget what word they used because it's kind of like different topics of traits that are feminine. But they talked about this. Like, one of the authors had a professor, and he would not really talk and he'd sit kind of in the back.

Nicole [00:23:27]: Yeah.

John [00:23:28]: And, you know, people had to come ask him questions.

Nicole [00:23:31]: Oh, okay. Yeah.

John [00:23:32]: And it made him more valuable because he wasn't just giving out the info. He wasn't just saying whatever he felt.

Nicole [00:23:40]: Yeah.

John [00:23:40]: That's what it is. It's not like you're playing a game, but you're withholding that because it means a lot to you.

Nicole [00:23:50]: Right.

John [00:23:51]: And you know your worth as a woman. And you're not going to give that until the guy has proved to be the guy that you think he is.

Nicole [00:24:02]: Right.

John [00:24:02]: And that he is, like, working towards you.

Nicole [00:24:06]: Exactly. Yeah.

John [00:24:07]: I can't think of the word that they used, which, like, bothers me. But it's essentially that thing. Right. Like, you're not giving this thing right away. Right away.

Nicole [00:24:17]: Right.

John [00:24:18]: And we kind of talked about it in other ways, too. I mean, I think it's just a good way for women to operate. Not like telling your whole life story on the first date. Not like, you know, giving everything away, creating some of that mystery. Especially because men like a challenge. Right?

Nicole [00:24:33]: Yeah.

John [00:24:33]: Like, it used to bother me so much to hear men be like, if a girl sleeps with me on the first date, I don't like her anymore. I'm like, so if a girl gives you exactly what you want.

Nicole [00:24:45]: Right.

John [00:24:46]: You like her less. I'm like, make this make sense.

Nicole [00:24:49]: But the thing is, like. And I get it, too, but, you know, but he's also being honest in the sense that there's something biological in him that makes him feel that way. It makes him want to try and get it on the first date, but it also makes him feel that she's not as valuable. And that's. I mean, it's telling you something. It might be a ridiculous double standard. It might be, you know, just sound just harsh to the ears, but there's truth in it in the sense that that's how men behave. So whether you like it or not, it's how men behave to a degree.

John [00:25:23]: And when I heard it, honestly, yeah. It made me further into what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? Like, if this. If someone's. A guy's telling me that if you give him exactly what he wants, he likes you less.

Nicole [00:25:35]: Right.

John [00:25:36]: That in no world makes me want to give it to him more.

Nicole [00:25:39]: No.

John [00:25:39]: If anything, now you're gonna wait five dates, ten dates, who knows?

Nicole [00:25:43]: Yeah, that'd be a stupid thing to.

John [00:25:44]: Say, but, yeah, I mean, you know, like. But it does make you think. And I've was just thinking about it. It's just like, you have to kind of dangle the carrot in front of a man. Like, you're the carrot, and, like, you can't give it to him right away because then he has all the things, then he's gonna go looking for something new and challenging. And if you give all your cards away, you have nothing.

Nicole [00:26:08]: Now, men are gonna get upset, obviously, at this, but I agree, and I'll tell you why. And a lot of people call me out and say, well, that's hypocritical. You literally were teaching guys how to pick up girls and how to get a girl into bed on the first night. And I'm like, yeah, and I'll still stand by that, because as a guy. Go ahead. That should be your game plan. The woman's game plan should be to secure the commitment. The guy's game plan is to get the sex without having to give the commitment. The woman's game plan is to get the commitment without having to get the sex. You know what I mean? Again, not that both don't enjoy or benefit from both. It's just. It is a game, and there's. And there's two forces, but it's not. It's not. It's a dance. It's a dance.

John [00:26:58]: Right?

Nicole [00:26:58]: Right. Because you're going here, you're going there, and that's what makes it interesting. And that's where you figure out where you are through that thing. And you can't just bring the dance to the climax right away. And just like, there has to be some amount of movie.

John [00:27:14]: If it was like five minutes in, it was like, told you everything, and then it was like, bye. It's like, okay.

Nicole [00:27:19]: And it has nothing to do with double standards. And I mean, I will say this right, because I'm totally honest on this podcast, the more that a person has sex with a partner, a different partner, the harder they become, which is a masculine trait. So women who have more sex with different Guys tend to become more masculine. Now, that's not an irreversible thing. And it doesn't mean they're bad or wrong or that we should shame them. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that it's in the benefit of you as a woman. Not because society. What they think. Who cares what society thinks? That's not what this is about. It's about you wanting to not become more hard and make it harder to access your femininity, which is your value and your gift that you have as a woman. So I think there's an element of that, again, not to be used as judging, because guys ask me all the time, I get questions, what if the woman's body count is so high? And I'm like, that doesn't matter. You don't judge someone by their past. You judge someone by who they are now. Now, is it true that their past can influence. Of course. And that's why I'm saying that the more that a woman sleeps with different guys, then obviously it creates a more hard masculine. The same applies for a guy. And that's why that double standard does exist. Because to some degree, a guy becoming more hard in that sense is good. But it can also become a detriment when that becomes too much. Because too much of that. Now, a guy is too hard. He's too unfeeling, too cold, too uncaring. That's not a good trait either. But I do think that if I am coaching guys, I'm telling them, here's how to seduce a woman. If I'm coaching a woman, I would say, hold on. Do not sleep with the guy. Make him wait. Make him invest. That's your part of the game. It's like you got two different coaches for two different teams. And we're playing a game here, we're having a dance. And so I think the advice is sound to make him wait. And I do agree also with the exception in the sense that, yeah, if it's just the most magical thing in the world, and, you know, if it.

John [00:29:38]: Really is, you can tell he's invested. And, you know, things like that, which it is harder still. But I think that, like, if it feels like a really good date and you guys really connected, yeah, that's when I feel like a woman is having sex for the connection. But I think along what you said is what makes her hard is that it's not about the connection when she's having sex like that, it's about her right and it's about getting these things from the guy. And that's why there's this, like, numbness, this, like, hardness. Because it's not about caring about this guy.

Nicole [00:30:10]: Right.

John [00:30:11]: It's about caring about what she's looking for. And so that's what it is. But if you go on a really great date.

Nicole [00:30:16]: Yeah.

John [00:30:17]: And you do feel connected to the guy, and you feel like he's invested in you and, like, really interested in getting to know you. You guys maybe talked for hours, and he's showing you, like, little cues that he's interested in you. Then you are having sex for the connection on the first date. And that's what makes it different.

Nicole [00:30:35]: And it is almost like a second date or a third date. Like, you're. You spent the time. You know what I mean?

John [00:30:39]: I love that. Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:40]: And I think also that the thing to note about this, too, which a lot of people just will not accept this truth, but it is true because we talked about it in a different way. Right. You said that emotionally, a man can just flip a switch and go to having sex. And by the woman, that's not the case. And so that also plays out when we say when people don't like this truth. But sex does affect men and women differently. A man can have casual sex and not have. And again, it comes down to the hardness thing. But there's also more to it in the sense that the detriments on him are not as severe as a woman because she has to get into an emotional state for it to be in the right place. Otherwise, it's a violation of herself. If she's doing it just for an esteem boost, if there's not a true connection there. And she knows it and she feels it, and it does have a detrimental effect. And so that's why it's not a judgy thing.

John [00:31:32]: It's not feeling anything too. It's a band aid. That's why I compared it. Like, people when they drink alcohol and they go get drunk, they're not fixing any of their problems. They're just numbing themselves. And that's what that is as well, too. Like, they're trying to fix themselves. They're like, oh, if I go home with this guy and he, like, you know, looks at me and treats me well for the night, and we do this, I'll feel better about myself because I'll feel wanted or whatever. The thing that she's missing, she's trying to get, but it's temporary. And what she doesn't realize is that if she gives herself those things, or she meets somebody who helps her realize those things, and they're in a relationship that will actually heal her and get her to a place where she doesn't need even the person she's with validation. But she'll want it because she has that connection. And she'll want to feel wanted by someone that she actually cares about. Not some guy she found on a dating app or at a bar for the night.

Nicole [00:32:32]: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And there's all kinds of stuff that people will say about pair bonding and stuff like that, and there's some truth to some of these things, but they use them as weapons in order to shame people.

John [00:32:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:32:42]: And that's not. That doesn't solve any problems. It doesn't. Like, it's all about.

John [00:32:47]: Because nobody is broken beyond repair.

Nicole [00:32:50]: Right.

John [00:32:50]: Nobody is.

Nicole [00:32:51]: I tell guys all the time about the body count thing. I'm like, look, there was a period of time where you were a dork, where you were, like, a virgin, a dorky virgin. Okay. And maybe you're a stud now. Whatever. You want a woman to judge you by your past and be like, oh, well, this guy used to be a nerd, so, no, thanks, I'll pass. Like, he's just. No, you wouldn't want to be judged by you. You wanted to be judged by who you are now. And you can look at someone's past. Obviously, if someone's been a junkie in their past, you might want to, like, say, well, you know, let me. Let me double check. Let me make sure. I'm not just going to trust that they're clean and they're not, you know, that their life has changed around. So. Yeah.

John [00:33:34]: So, yeah, you take it into consideration, but you don't use it to base everything on the now.

Nicole [00:33:39]: But Mike's Bread. Mike's Killer Bread. I mean, everybody's buying Mike's Killer Bread.

John [00:33:45]: Where is this coming from?

Nicole [00:33:46]: Mike's a killer. Mike went to prison for, like, 20 years. Came out, made bread. So, like, you're buying.

John [00:33:52]: Is this real, though?

Nicole [00:33:53]: I don't think he killed people. It's called Mike's Killer Bread. But he actually went to jail. He did go to jail. He sold the brand. But Mike's Killer Bread came from, literally, a guy that went to prison for 20 years or whatever for some hard crimes. It was violent crimes for sure. And then he came out and he's done.

John [00:34:09]: Well, they make some good bread.

Nicole [00:34:10]: Yeah, but then. But people, you know, they forgave him in order to eat their sandwiches. So, you know, it's like, you can't just keep on holding people's past against them and think that they're a broken person. No one wants that. And no one will ever respond to that message. No one will ever listen to that message and say, you're right, I'm broken beyond repair. And now I agree with you. And so if you're trying to push that message, it's never going to work. So. But yeah, I don't want to beat a dead horse on this topic.

John [00:34:38]: Well, I had to throw that in.

Nicole [00:34:40]: No, that's good. It's good. But what else are we going to. So the first date thing.

John [00:34:48]: Yeah. Like not.

Nicole [00:34:49]: Yeah, when should you have sex?

John [00:34:50]: I wouldn't. I would. You know, if you really trying to get it in, you can wait.

Nicole [00:34:56]: Yeah.

John [00:34:57]: You know, a few dates. But you have to have a guy invest in you as a woman because you don't know what the truth is. Unfortunately, with a lot of guys, you go on a great first date, you never hear from the next day and then you're like, what? And there's nothing even inherently wrong. But yeah, maybe they're dating a bunch of other women and they went off with someone else. So it's like.

Nicole [00:35:17]: Or they're really good. They're good at seducing. And like you said, that's true.

John [00:35:21]: Or maybe it was just a game for him. So it's like it just makes sense for any woman to have a guy invest.

Nicole [00:35:28]: Yeah.

John [00:35:29]: In you before you do those things. Like, and like I said, you know, that's why some women have to like a date minimum. I'm not saying necessarily have a date minimum. Like I said, I would say three dates is kind of like a general rule. But like, you'll know.

Nicole [00:35:44]: Yeah, you can't.

John [00:35:44]: That's why if it's the first date and it feels though, like you've been on three already and you feel the connection and you want to go ahead for it. I'm not saying don't do that. And I'm not saying that there aren't people out there who are married and happy who had sex on the first date.

Nicole [00:35:57]: For sure. Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:35:58]: But you know, also at the same time, if that's the person for you, he's gonna wait three dates.

Nicole [00:36:04]: Yeah.

John [00:36:05]: Like, yeah.

Nicole [00:36:06]: And just don't be stupid and tell guys you have a three day.

John [00:36:09]: Yes.

Nicole [00:36:10]: Like, he's like, okay, 1, 2, 3, McDonald's. And then we're going to go to Burger King and now we're going to go. And then we're going to Go to Denny's to get a grand slam, a home run. Yeah.

John [00:36:24]: No, so don't, don't ever tell him.

Nicole [00:36:27]: Yeah.

John [00:36:27]: Just have it as like your rule. And like, also it's like, if you have respect for yourself, which I know women do, and I know even when they make the mistakes, they still do.

Nicole [00:36:38]: Right.

John [00:36:39]: Then just treat it like that. Treat it like, you know, like, I am not gonna give myself to this person.

Nicole [00:36:45]: Yeah.

John [00:36:45]: Until he's proven that he's interested in me. And I need to see that. Like, I don't. The words.

Nicole [00:36:51]: Yeah.

John [00:36:51]: You don't listen to a guy's words on the first few dates. No. Yeah, you have to follow the actions. Like if he's setting up dates and he's, you know, taking you to a place that you mentioned you like seafood, and he picked a seafood place and he's on time and he's acting like a gentleman and he's doing those things and he's done that consistently.

Nicole [00:37:11]: Right.

John [00:37:12]: Then, you know, like, you can kind of make a good judgment based on that, but you can't go on the words. You can't be like, oh, like, you know, he's telling you all the right things. Like he has to show you exactly the things.

Nicole [00:37:24]: Yeah, yeah. And I did a. This guy interviewed me on his channel and he was talking about. We got into kind of this subject and he was actually like. He was really like. I mean, because he was pretty religious and he was like, yeah, you know, guys shouldn't even really be just doing this on the first date as well.

John [00:37:40]: I agree too.

Nicole [00:37:41]: And I was like, I tried to argue with him a little bit and then I was like, nah, you know what, you're actually probably right. I mean, it really is probably better like, you know, I can see that viewpoint that makes a lot of sense because it's like, you know, I mean, people do make the argument and say, okay, well, if you think it's damaging to women, then you're participating in the damage, which is a valid argument. That's pretty hard to counter. And then also just the idea that, yeah, you keep something that should be sacred. And you know, because, you know, how do you treat this thing, right? Do you treat it lightly or do you treat it as seriously as you.

John [00:38:15]: Which I feel like when you are single, people do treat sex lightly. You know what I mean? Cuz it is different. Like you don't have that relationship to have that deep connection.

Nicole [00:38:25]: Right.

John [00:38:25]: So I get where it is treated more lightly when people are single. I'm not saying they should that's the question. I'm not saying they should, but I'm just saying I get where it is because, you know, it's harder to find a good connection, especially as a woman. And then I've. You and I have talked about this. I feel like women get confused where they're like, oh, but if I give him what he wants, he'll like me more, right? Like, no woman is actively saying that, but in her mind, she's like, that's what she's thinking. He wants to have sex with me. You know, if I give him sex, you know, then he'll like me more because I gave him what he wanted.

Nicole [00:39:01]: Well, and the thing about that is, what I've told women in the past when I have coached on this is you don't have to sleep with the guy, but just show him a boob. That's just your tactics.

John [00:39:15]: But, Mom, Dad, I hope you're not watching this.

Nicole [00:39:23]: There you go. But no, you just. But show him that you want to, right?

John [00:39:31]: But then you just flirt, Be seductive without going all the way.

Nicole [00:39:35]: Don't just straight shut him down. Because if you just straight shut him down, he's not going to come back. I mean, he's like, yeah, he's just going to feel rejected. No, you feel like, I really want to. I just. I can't. I can't do it. Like, you're tempting me, but. And then you. And then you don't. And then now he feels like, well, one, you've dangled it to carrot a little bit better. Because now it's like, you know, it's like, you know when you're fishing and you're. And you're trying to get. You don't just like, you're not just like, all right, fish. Like, you're not getting that word. Like, you. You got to kind of, like, make sure it's following the worm.

John [00:40:06]: And then you lure him in.

Nicole [00:40:09]: You don't just yank it away. The fish is like, chase it. Then, no, it's not going to happen.

John [00:40:13]: So that's kind of depends on what kind of fish.

Nicole [00:40:15]: But, yeah, that's.

John [00:40:16]: That's the fisher woman. I'm just kidding. But, yeah, I know what you mean, though. Like, yeah, you can still be flirty. You don't have to be, like, prudish or, like, rude about it, you know, like, no, I'm not going to have sex with you. Like, you know, especially if you like the guy. You should flirt. You should be, like, seductive.

Nicole [00:40:33]: Like, oh, make him think it might still happen tonight. But Then you know it's not. But you know what I'm saying. Use your strategy. It's okay to. Again, people get all upset about this stuff. It's like, oh, it's manipulation. You're playing games. I don't like games. And it's like, no, love is a game. I'm sorry. There's strategy to it. And you gotta. At the beginning now, after you get into a relationship, or you drop the bs, you get to a deeper level of intimacy. But.

John [00:41:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:41:05]: You gotta navigate it first. And that's okay to navigate.

John [00:41:08]: You don't know what the truth is. But I will say this. And guys won't like this. And I'm not saying, like, I'm not gonna tell women to, you know, be rude to men, because that's not what it is.

Nicole [00:41:21]: Right.

John [00:41:22]: But you don't want to also be super clingy to him. You need him to come to you.

Nicole [00:41:34]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you're saying. Yeah.

John [00:41:35]: So, like, you know, I feel like women, they get really excited about a first date, and they're like, when are we going? When are we going? And they're excited, and I get that excitement. But you have to, like, hone it in and just be, like, very casual about it.

Nicole [00:41:49]: Yeah.

John [00:41:49]: One, two. Like, one of the reasons is, like, you don't know who this guy really is. You went on one date, so you do kind of have to bring yourself back down to earth. 2. It's all a part of the challenge part. And I'm not saying do this to, like, manipulate. It's not about the game thing. But let him come to you. That makes him more invested. Just like, after our first date, I had a great time. We had a lot of fun. And, you know, I wasn't blowing you up. I wasn't like, oh, hey, like, when are we hanging out?

Nicole [00:42:17]: Like, when are you out? I gotta see a boob.

John [00:42:19]: It was like. But you, like, texted me after, and you were like, I thought we had a great date. Like, are you not interested in me? And.

Nicole [00:42:27]: And I.

John [00:42:28]: You in. I was. You know, which. And I set the hook.

Nicole [00:42:32]: Yeah, that's what it is.

John [00:42:35]: I set the hook. And so I could reel you all the way into shore and take a picture and put it on my dating profile, but.

Nicole [00:42:41]: Because in my experience, I was like, damn, she didn't sleep with me on the first date. What's going on? I was like, are you not like you. You gave all the signals of being interested in me and women.

John [00:42:51]: That's what you want. You want to Confuse.

Nicole [00:42:53]: Exactly. Exactly. I was confused. I was like, wait a minute.

John [00:42:56]: But again, like, I was really interested in you, but I'm not giving you everything still.

Nicole [00:43:00]: Right. Yeah.

John [00:43:01]: You know what I mean? That's what it is. And, like, you have to have a guy come to you because that makes him have to invest more. And that's why I'm telling women to hold back. It's so you get that investment, so you can see how invested a man is in you. Because if you pull back and he's also pulling back, that's not invested.

Nicole [00:43:17]: Yeah, no.

John [00:43:18]: You know, like, I mean, he might be matching your energy, but you'll know. Because I'm not telling you to pull back. And that's what I'm saying. I'm not saying be rude or manipulative where you, like, don't talk to him at all. No, but I'm just saying don't like. And you can even text him like, hey, I had a great time last night, period. Don't be like, I had a great time last night. And, like, you were just so handsome. And I just think you're the one. No, he's not that women will go that far. But, like, give him some. But don't give him the whole mushy gushy. Because he hasn't earned it yet.

Nicole [00:43:46]: Right, right, exactly.

John [00:43:47]: So that is what I was doing.

Nicole [00:43:49]: Because we know women are capable of the mushy gush.

John [00:43:51]: Right. You don't just give that opportunity.

Nicole [00:43:53]: Every guy knows that that's there. It's gonna, you know, he's gotta get it and want it.

John [00:43:58]: But that's what really, I feel like, also makes a man invest more.

Nicole [00:44:01]: And that's why guys do say the clingy and needy thing is because a lot of times it's because it's just like love bombing. Exactly.

John [00:44:09]: Women are love bombing.

Nicole [00:44:10]: And then that's where they get scared. And then women get the wrong message. Because in a relationship, you should be that clingy. Like, it's not a bad trait. It's.

John [00:44:19]: You haven't gotten to relationships yet.

Nicole [00:44:21]: Yeah, exactly.

John [00:44:22]: Well, and I think to the withdrawing part or like, you know, holding back some with men works too, because men are very afraid. And women are too. Of someone coming off super strong and wanting commitment right away.

Nicole [00:44:36]: Right. Yeah.

John [00:44:37]: And if you're like, I had a good time, but you're also like, not, you know, blowing him up.

Nicole [00:44:42]: Yeah.

John [00:44:42]: He's not feeling like you're pressuring him for a relationship.

Nicole [00:44:46]: Right.

John [00:44:46]: He feels like, you know, I can take my time. I can Figure this out. And it also gives you time as a woman to take your time and figure it out because.

Nicole [00:44:54]: And date multiple guys, right?

John [00:44:55]: Like, yes, I agree with that. Like, a lot of women are like, I only date one guy at a time. Date multiple guys because you're not sleeping with all of them.

Nicole [00:45:04]: And this message goes out for women in your 30s, 40s, 50s. Because I'm coaching guys that are dating a lot of few women. And don't try to get exclusive or asking for commitment early, early on in the first date. You're just gonna scare these guys away.

John [00:45:20]: You can want a relationship, like, it's.

Nicole [00:45:22]: Fine and you could be serious about dating, but just you don't need to say anything yet. You see what he does and if he's going in the wrong direction, then you can be like, look, I think.

John [00:45:32]: The problem is people think they're being transparent and they say all these things like you said. They say, oh, I don't sleep with somebody until three dates. Or I'm looking for a serious relationship. If you're doing. But you're like, you can believe all of those things and not see them because it's not necessary if you have a three date minimum. Why does he need to know?

Nicole [00:45:53]: Look, I'm playing.

John [00:45:54]: It's worse if he needs to know.

Nicole [00:45:54]: I'm playing go fish. I got a five in my hand. I don't need to tell you. I got a five in my hand. Like, I don't need to tell you. I can ask you go fish or whatever, but you don't need to say the thing, right? That's the thing is because then there's no mystery. There's no.

John [00:46:10]: And in my mind, if you are dating, you have to be open to relationship. Because a one night stand doesn't go on a date in my mind.

Nicole [00:46:18]: You know what I mean? Yeah, it makes sense.

John [00:46:20]: It's like you are somewhat serious about dating, so you don't need to be like, I want a relationship. And to be honest, like, how you and I met, I never thought we would have a relationship. And I was still open minded. I wanted a relationship, but I went on a date with you because I'm like, oh, well, he seems really interesting. I'll get to know him. And I feel like women too are often like, I don't want to go on dates. I don't want to like waste my time. It's like you get to know people and you get to know what you like and you get to have that experience. Just like we watch, like watching love is Blind. It's like you're learning about people and how they act and what you feel is compatible with you and whatnot. So dating also should be fun. It should be fun.

Nicole [00:47:05]: And just imagine if a guy went out on a date and he was like. Because women say I'm looking for a serious relationship or whatever. Imagine if a guy on the first date, he's like, I want sex tonight. Like, you'd be gone. You'd be like, but you're doing the same thing. You're scaring. Like, that would scare. The guy does want sex tonight. I guarantee you.

John [00:47:25]: Well, some guys do actually do that by being like, I bought you dinner.

Nicole [00:47:29]: Right. But that's. Yeah, that's uncouth. But I'm just saying. And it does scare you away, right? So that's. That's. You're like, you're disgusted now. You're like, okay, now I'm a prostitute. What the hell? Like, this is ridiculous. Right? So it's the same thing. Then the guy feels like a prostitute when you say, I'm looking for commitment.

John [00:47:45]: A relationship.

Nicole [00:47:46]: Yeah. Relationship fraud, gigolo.

John [00:47:48]: Are we gonna get in trouble for saying that word?

Nicole [00:47:50]: I don't think so. I don't know. Who cares? But.

John [00:47:52]: Supposed to keep it.

Nicole [00:47:54]: Yeah. I mean, this one will. You know, it's. It's about sex, though. But. But, yeah. But anyway, that's just the message to. To. To ladies in their, you know, 30s, 40s, 50s. Just. I get why they say it, because they don't. They're tired of playing games. They just want to be upfront and be honest and straight. And I get it. And it makes sense. Except don't do it. You do have to play a game. You do have to. At least.

John [00:48:14]: You know, I think it's safe to say if a woman's there, she's there for a relationship. So you don't need to say it as a woman. Like, you don't need to be like, I'm looking for a serious relationship. Like, because you can also turn a hoe into a husband.

Nicole [00:48:28]: Yeah. Just gotta do the right tactic. Get him confused, show him a boob. Get him confused. Flashbang. He's like, what the hell is going on? What happened here?

John [00:48:36]: Exactly. Like, then he's too far in know what even happened. And here we are. Then you get the ring, ladies. How it goes.

Nicole [00:48:44]: There you go. So, okay, so we spent a lot on that topic, but there's some other things I wanted to break down on. The sex talk, maybe. I mean, we have to probably do some more episodes but, oh, the exclusivity of sexual relations and thought and mindshare and all of that thing, I think that's important to talk about, right? In the sense that it should be, if you really want the relationship to be the most successful as it can and the most intimate, that your sexuality should be reserved completely, exclusively entirely for your partner.

John [00:49:20]: I just thought that was the norm. Like, I just thought that was how it's supposed to be. Like, maybe I'm naive and maybe more women think this way than men do. Because I do feel like all women in some degree, just want an amazing man that is amazing to them and treats them well and makes them feel safe and gives them orgasms, obviously. So it's like, if you have all that. I feel like women aren't gonna go looking for more.

Nicole [00:49:51]: Not looking. See, and that's where I think this is important. We're not talking about cheating here necessarily. We're talking about, like, looking for other stimulus or things. Like, you know, so, for example, that same woman. Well, but I mean, that same woman will be like, okay, I read some romance novels and I've got my toys, and that's fine. And again, I don't think there's anything, like, severely wrong with that. I don't. You know, But I do think that it does make sense to save your entire mind share in the sexual department to your partner. It's just like, we were talking about, like, celebrity crushes and stuff like that. It's not just not saying it. It's not even having it. Not even in this. We talked about last episode about guys. I'm like, just turn your head. Don't look at the girl if you don't. I guess this part of the conversation is more like, don't send your sexual energy in other places than your partner. Maybe that's the best way to say that. Because there's plenty of people that are like, oh, yeah, I don't care if he does this or if he looks at porn or if he, you know, whatever, or. And I do my own thing too. And. But we have good time together. And it's like. And it's like, yeah, I get that. And, yeah, maybe that works for some people, but would it work better? And would you have a better depth of intimacy in your relationship if your only sexual outlet was each other and your only thoughts? And you direct. And again, you might say, oh, I can't control all my thoughts. And, yeah, but you can. You can rein them in. You can. You can train your thoughts and you can hone Your thoughts? It's just like I said, the guy at the gym that looks over at the girl, it's like, he doesn't have to fixate. He can, like, notice and then, like, oh, train my thought back to the direction it needs to go. You know what I'm saying?

John [00:51:38]: So, yeah, it just makes me feel like maybe they're not being open with their partner or they're not as into their partner. Because I want to say that if. If somebody's not fulfilling all your needs, if you're not at 100% right, then you are gonna look but. Or be more inclined to. But if you are fulfilled, then, like, there is no desire. Just like you said, like with the celebrity crushes, and I used to have a celebrity crush before you came along, and it literally just went away because you are well beyond that and you're here and you're all about me and, like, what more could I want? Like, there is nothing else I want.

Nicole [00:52:18]: Yeah.

John [00:52:19]: So I don't know. I get. It's harder for me to, like.

Nicole [00:52:23]: Yeah.

John [00:52:23]: Think about because it just makes sense to me. Like, why would you. I used this analogy the other day. Why would you want a banquet meal from the frozen section of the grocery store?

Nicole [00:52:32]: Right.

John [00:52:33]: When you're at your favorite restaurant? That's like the best experience and the best food you've ever had.

Nicole [00:52:39]: Yeah.

John [00:52:39]: Like, you wouldn't.

Nicole [00:52:41]: Right.

John [00:52:42]: Like, you wouldn't even look that way. Like, you wouldn't even think. It's not even on your radar.

Nicole [00:52:46]: Right. But I think for a lot of people, it's not the, you know, it's not the best experience.

John [00:52:52]: But that's what I'm saying. Like, they could talk to their partner, invest to, you know, get on the same page.

Nicole [00:52:58]: Or even if you're into something weird, even if you're into something weird, tell. Talk, you know, don't handle it yourself. Like, you know, like, talk to your partner and figure it out between the two of you, because that's a better solution.

John [00:53:10]: What kind of separates you guys in a way? Even though it might not feel like it, but if you're having sexual experiences with your partner and then sexual. Like separate sexual experiences by yourself or whatever, like that. That feels kind of double life to me or something. Like, why aren't you fully invested in here and fully, like, present here, and you're off doing these other things.

Nicole [00:53:33]: Right. Yeah. And some people say different libidos and mismatching, but I still think that you can still figure out a. It's better to figure out a solution. That.

John [00:53:42]: Yeah. But I would say even if that's the case, like, then you should still be thinking about your partner while you're doing extra things. If that's what you need, you can.

Nicole [00:53:52]: Do in the presence. But. Yeah.

John [00:53:54]: Which would, I feel like, would make it better.

Nicole [00:53:56]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So.

John [00:53:58]: And I feel like they should think that, but I don't know.

Nicole [00:54:01]: Yeah. But I think it really comes down to that idea of, like, making all of your sexual energy be focused at your partner, whether it be in the physicality sense, in the mental sense, in whatever sense that it is. It is all directed there. And I think that's the important thing about it.

John [00:54:20]: I feel like I don't have a lot to add because I feel like that's just a given thing.

Nicole [00:54:26]: Yeah, but it's. It's not. It's not even just given for all women, too. Because I'll say that.

John [00:54:31]: I mean, I get the book thing, because you're right. I think the book would be the only thing that I could think of that where women are having this. Because even if you're reading something like, sure, maybe a small majority are thinking of that situation with her husband instead of the guy in the book, but some women are reading that and they're thinking about the character in the book doing the things to them, and that's some other person. And I'm not saying that that's, like, cheating.

Nicole [00:54:56]: No.

John [00:54:56]: But I mean, we did go back to. Is those things cheating or whatever. But it's. It's still like you're deviating, even if it's mentally.

Nicole [00:55:05]: And you're training your brain in a way, like you're training your sexual response, too, which is, I think, is importantly. You want your sexual response to be cued into your partner only, which is good.

John [00:55:14]: Well, how do you think people could do that? Like, that?

Nicole [00:55:18]: Don't do it by making sure that all of the energy is focused, like, so that you don't.

John [00:55:25]: So you'd say there, like, is no porn and there is no, like, all of that stuff, or.

Nicole [00:55:30]: Yeah, because if that's your only outlet.

John [00:55:31]: Doing things on your own, like, include your partner, if that's, like, the case, like, don't ever have it as like, you're totally alone doing these things, is what you're saying.

Nicole [00:55:40]: Yeah. Because if that's your only outlet, then you will train your system to like. Because some people might struggle with that at first, but then if they train. If they do that, they will train their system to only have that response in that human sexuality. The training of that system of those circuits and the response, it's a very trainable system. So it responds to what you feed it. And that's also why some of the extreme stuff where people are constantly looking for novelty and they get deeper and deeper until they get to some really messed up stuff. And then the next step is for them to try and act it out in life because they can't get any more jollies from the, you know, so that's why it's. You. You got to train it the right direction. So. Right. Well.

John [00:56:33]: And I think it also brings you closer to your partner if you're all about them. Like, it enhances your connection, it enhances your intimacy, it enhances the experience to this, like, ultimate connecting.

Nicole [00:56:47]: Yeah.

John [00:56:48]: Level. I feel like.

Nicole [00:56:49]: Yeah, I agree.

John [00:56:51]: Which. What couple doesn't want that? And if you don't, then you might need to think about other things.

Nicole [00:56:55]: Well, let's talk about the experience then. The. I was gonna give some. Some tips. I mean, how to make things better. I think in a relationship on the sexual side, like, I can tell, you know, some things that guys can do.

John [00:57:09]: I'll give tips.

Nicole [00:57:09]: Okay. I'll give the tips for the guys. But so, I mean, I would say the biggest thing if you just want to be good in bed as a guy and please your partner the most, is it's not all kinds of mechanical. It's not figuring out the technique or the. Or whatever. I'm not going to make the motions because this already is an extreme episode, but it's not figuring out the technical details of which buttons to push and how to push them and what frequency. And that's not at all. I mean, that's a very small part. Right. The biggest thing for guys to recognize is that it's actually slowing down, being very slow and taking a lot of time teasing, basically setting the mood, setting the tone. Right. It's a very slow, slow process taking a very long time to get from the, you know, from the northern colonies to the southern colonies and visit the Bible Belt along the way. It's like you gotta face them, camp out there for a little bit too. But that's the thing. It's like, it's taking a very long time so that anticipation is built. Because when anticipation is built very high, then it doesn't take much to set to break the dam. So if you're just trying to break the dam and you just go straight to trying to break the dam, I'm not saying that you can't eventually break that dam, but you're Going to get tired of yourself out. It's so much easier if you don't rush the process, I think. You know what I'm saying? That's the key thing. It's counterintuitive to what a lot of guys would think.

John [00:59:05]: I would give guys even a simpler tip.

Nicole [00:59:07]: Okay.

John [00:59:08]: And I think if a guy just cares about a woman's pleasure, that will go so far for them. Like, if they show that they care. If they do care.

Nicole [00:59:21]: Yeah.

John [00:59:22]: Like, which is also what you're saying. Like, if you go slow, you do care. You go fast. You're like, I'm just trying to get, you know, mine and then be done.

Nicole [00:59:30]: Well, I think that there are a lot of guys that care too much. And so then it becomes pressure. And then they're like, I gotta make this thing happen. I gotta break the dam, you know, and they're like, am I doing a good job?

John [00:59:42]: I'm not talking to those guys. Then if they do care. But I feel like a lot of women feel like men don't care what they're going through or, like, care to do stuff to them or make it an experience. Like you're saying, which I know is why you're giving them this tip, but.

Nicole [00:59:57]: Exactly.

John [00:59:58]: I think the, like, simplified version is if they show that they care, which they should care.

Nicole [01:00:03]: Right.

John [01:00:04]: Like, if you're having sex with a woman and you don't care about her experience in this.

Nicole [01:00:09]: Yeah.

John [01:00:10]: You should not be doing that. Like you're using her. Whatever, you know, like.

Nicole [01:00:14]: Exactly.

John [01:00:14]: That's not going to be a good experience for her.

Nicole [01:00:16]: Right.

John [01:00:17]: And it should be a good experience for both of the people.

Nicole [01:00:19]: Right? Yeah.

John [01:00:20]: So that is just what I would add in, like, the simplified version.

Nicole [01:00:24]: I agree. Yeah. Yeah. Because sometimes that's the issue and, you know.

John [01:00:27]: Right.

Nicole [01:00:27]: But. And sometimes it could be that you're being too. But then a lot of times being too eager is. Becomes an ego thing. It's not really about the other person. Is about you. Isn't it? It's like, you know, it's like you're trying to get your ego boosted.

John [01:00:38]: True.

Nicole [01:00:39]: And. And then, you know, you're gonna get the shoulder tap the shoulder tap the. Nice try, buddy. Time to come up here. Like, you're done. Tap, tap. You're tapped out. You know, that's so. But, you know, but I think that's. I mean, that's really the biggest. The biggest thing that would make the biggest difference, I think, for.

John [01:01:02]: Yeah. I mean. And I would say the same for women, that they should care, too. But I feel like women typically do care more in that situation because it's connected.

Nicole [01:01:09]: I'm saying the slow down.

John [01:01:10]: Well, yeah, but that means you care.

Nicole [01:01:12]: Yeah, that does. It does. Yeah, exactly.

John [01:01:15]: But yeah, guys do need to slow down. They get a little like, don't they want to enjoy it too? Like, draw out the experience.

Nicole [01:01:21]: That's the thing. And that's the thing is like, it should always be thought in that sense that it is. You know, there's really. I'm not saying that there is never ever the time and place for a quickie, but that's like a very rare. Like, you know, it is a process that you need to fully commit to that process. Right, right. So it's like, you know, you get on the airplane, you can travel somewhere, you just don't get on the airplane. You got to go. You got to go through security. You got to like, you know, it's an experience.

John [01:01:51]: It's not like just the motions.

Nicole [01:01:53]: Right, exactly.

John [01:01:54]: Of going through it.

Nicole [01:01:55]: Yeah.

John [01:01:57]: You don't have any other tips?

Nicole [01:01:59]: I mean, some tips. I mean, we could get into graphic tips. You want to get into. No, like, I, I would say that, that, that is going to constitute. It's so simple.

John [01:02:09]: If they want graphic text, they should join your bulletproof.

Nicole [01:02:12]: Yeah, they can join the membership. But no, but it really does. The mechanical stuff is not as important as that because I'm telling you, it doesn't seem like that would make that much of a difference. And I can tell you it and you can even know that that's what's going to happen and it will still make that much of a difference because it is just the way humans are wired is anticipation is the key. So true. Yeah. And you can talk about what you're gonna do. I mean, I guess that's some of the tips is to you. Like, you could get good at texting and talking about. Or talking about what you're gonna do. Yeah, precisely. Because remember, a woman's mind is a woman's sexual. Biggest sexual organ is her brain. So.

John [01:02:57]: That's true.

Nicole [01:02:58]: Turn that, that switch on.

John [01:03:01]: Yeah. And I guess women should invest too in the experience. I know that sometimes they also get into like the habit of just like, oh, let's get this over with or something. But like, you should be enjoying this experience. Like, you should like, what can you bring to up this? Or what can you tell your partner to enhance the experience? Like, because she could tell him just like you just said to slow down and like.

Nicole [01:03:28]: Right.

John [01:03:28]: You know, get me feedback and stuff like that. Because like, it can be a very exhilarating experience for a woman. Like, it should not be just some thing to do.

Nicole [01:03:39]: Yeah, guys are good at getting feedback and taking feedback. A lot of women don't want to give feedback. They're afraid of hurting the ego or.

John [01:03:47]: They some degree want him to know.

Nicole [01:03:48]: And definitely don't fake. Don't fake. You're just doing everybody a disservice if you fake.

John [01:03:53]: Don't, don't ever do that.

Nicole [01:03:55]: Don't fake the orgasms because that's. You're just doing everybody. You're doing yourself a disservice. You're doing the guy a disservice. You're doing the next woman a disservice. You're doing everybody down the chain a disservice. That's the worst. Don't do that.

John [01:04:06]: That's true. Just be like, yeah, I gotta go.

Nicole [01:04:11]: Just be honest.

John [01:04:12]: It wasn't the best.

Nicole [01:04:14]: Yeah. But then give some tips for improvement. And, you know, it's like, so. And then I guess I would say for guys to. I mean, not of the actual act, but just an important thing is that a lot of guys that I coach, one of the struggles that they have, well, in a relationship, a lot of times the whole issue of sex becomes something that a woman gives to the guy. Right. Which is not good.

John [01:04:39]: Right.

Nicole [01:04:40]: And she should never ever use it as a punishment or a threat or like a withholding sex. No one should ever use it. But. But women more so would use this, you know, so that should never be.

John [01:04:52]: The case because they're not using it as the experience, they're using it as this, like, pawn at that point.

Nicole [01:04:58]: Right. And if it's something that, like, it's like only one person enjoys, that's a problem in itself.

John [01:05:04]: Right.

Nicole [01:05:04]: But never, ever, if you make it transactional, where it's like. Or no bargain for it, like, if you do this, then I'll do this.

John [01:05:11]: Right.

Nicole [01:05:12]: That's. It shouldn't be like, you should want to do the thing not because you earned the thing. That's not, you know, that doesn't make any sense. A little extra enthusiasm as a reward is a fine thing. But for guys, they need to indicate what they want. Because what a lot of guys will do is not communicate. And they'll mask their desires because they're afraid of their own sexual desires. A lot of men are. They're afraid to express them because they're afraid of rejection. And so they will do the whole, like, bump up, you know, against the back in the bed or like, you know, or like, you know, hint at it or like poke or whatever. Like that, that's just, it's, it's the little boy vibes, right? It's like, yeah, like you're a man, take her, you know, like show the real intent. Like, you know, if you're not gonna actually just take her, you know. And I don't mean obviously, obviously I don't need to put a disclaimer on, like the limits of that. But what I'm saying is like, if you're not gonna like turn around and show her and, you know, kiss her and, and show her that that's what you're going for, then say it. Then say, this is what I want to do or this is what I want to. Not hinting at it and then getting upset and then, and getting, you know, turn over them. Right. Turn over.

John [01:06:39]: Pull the covers off.

Nicole [01:06:40]: Yeah, it's not good. And that's why a lot of times guys get the response of I've got a headache. Well, because you haven't. Like, it's the, the female sexual responsive system. Well, is responsive. That's the men's initiative. Right. So if you're getting the I got a headache response as a guy, then it's because you're not churning up those. You're not doing the thing that is getting her into the mood, which is not five minutes before, but is throughout the day, the romance, the thing that puts it on her mind. You didn't get that going. You know what I mean? Or you're being a pussy. You're being passive and you're just trying to push things without having to say it. Like not, not put yourself out there. If you just say this is what I want, right. Then that's, you know, you usually don't get that I've got a headache response.

John [01:07:39]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:39]: It doesn't mean that you're always going to get it, but it just means that, you know, if you're getting that I've got a headache response, it's, it's. You're doing something wrong.

John [01:07:49]: I agree.

Nicole [01:07:51]: Anything else to add?

John [01:07:54]: I don't think so. Unless you can think of something.

Nicole [01:07:56]: I don't think so.

John [01:07:59]: So I think that's it.

Nicole [01:08:00]: Yeah, I think that's. Yeah.

John [01:08:02]: Thing of the week.

Nicole [01:08:03]: Yeah, Our thing of the week.

John [01:08:05]: That was hard because like last week we had a talk about a tick tock.

Nicole [01:08:11]: Oh yeah? Yeah. I think that's the only.

John [01:08:14]: That wasn't even that.

Nicole [01:08:15]: No. Bad.

John [01:08:16]: I mean like it was the girl on TikTok who's Talking about how her husband like was a pathological liar or something. And I didn't even watch the full thing and I was talking to John about it and he was like, this isn't true. Or you know, like, I don't think this is true. She's making so much money, which I'm sure she is making a lot of money.

Nicole [01:08:37]: Oh yeah, she's making money now.

John [01:08:38]: She's getting these 10 minute videos that have so many views and stuff. But like, I felt like it wasn't fair to like judge because I didn't know the full story yet. And I understood your side that she is making a lot of money. And I always agreed that that's the case. But I just like kind of got in my old kind of defensive mode and was like, you know, like, you don't know and. Because I just felt like you were saying that what she was saying isn't true but you were just stating that you didn't believe it and so that made you feel disrespected in a certain type of way. And I didn't mean to do that. I just, you know, didn't even get to finish her thing and I didn't really have a full picture of it. And I just felt like you were kind of dismissing it, which you weren't. You were just stating your opinion. But.

Nicole [01:09:30]: And that's, and that's where I messed up. Was that like. And I didn't. I never actually even said this to you because it was such a small thing, but I'll say it now is that I messed up in not realizing that. And I should know this. It doesn't matter why. If it's silly that she's upset that you don't believe this girl on TikTok, or you think that she might be making up some of the story, but if your response to that upsets her, then that matters that she's upset about that thing. It's not a big deal, you know what I'm saying? So I didn't recognize that because I got back into the mode of guy of this doesn't make sense. Why would you care about if I believe some girl on TikTok, which is the logical, but that doesn't invalidate your feelings about it. And that's where I goofed is because I got back into the logical of like, well, it doesn't make sense for her to feel this way, which is always the wrong thing for a guy to do. It's like it doesn't have to make sense for her to feel this way, she feels this way. And it matters that she feels this way.

John [01:10:33]: Well, it stemmed more from a deeper thing too, that, like, you weren't doing. But I think it just triggered me in that moment that, like, this woman was giving her experience. And a lot of times men don't validate a woman's experience. And I'm not saying that that's not what you were doing because you were just giving your opinion about it and you weren't disrespectful about what you were saying. But it just made me think about all the ways that. That women, you know, don't get believed a lot of the time for the things that they say. Not always, but, you know, certain things. And I'm not saying there aren't women out there who fabricate things to try to stir up problems too, but. Or make a bunch of money, but it's just like, for the people who aren't doing that and they don't get believed, it's like, it's hurtful, you know, and like, not that you did that, but it just like triggered that emotional response in me.

Nicole [01:11:25]: Right. And what mattered, what should have mattered to me is that you feel that way. And that's okay. Like, you know what I mean? It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It's not. It doesn't have to be offensive to me that you feel that way. Right. It's like. Doesn't have to make sense to me. You know what I'm saying? So. But it's. But it's hard. It's something that you always have to work on as a guy to.

John [01:11:51]: But it's. It's crazy to even bring this up.

Nicole [01:11:53]: No. Because it's so small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like 10. Yeah, but I mean, we need something.

John [01:11:57]: Compared to our, like. Yeah, 12 hour conversations we've had before.

Nicole [01:12:01]: But I mean, we could talk about, you know, sex. But let's. We'll. We could keep this one, you know, PG NC17. You know, we're gonna get, you know.

John [01:12:12]: So we're gonna mark it on YouTube.

Nicole [01:12:14]: Yeah. All right. I guess that's it. See you next time. Way through every fault we find our way.