John [00:00:00]: You have to forgive every time I do a talk. If you haven't forgiven someone for something, raise your hand. And everyone raised their hand. Why are you holding onto something that's only going to hurt you and doesn't help you in any way? Like you're carrying that load every day. Why not let it go? You have to identify what is that hurt and what is that hurt doing for you in order to let go of it. We believe it's doing something for us. It's not really doing something for us, but we have to identify that. I'm not forgiving because this hurt that I experienced won't happen again if I remember this hurt.

Nicole [00:00:25]: Right, right.

John [00:00:26]: That's a big one that people do. Whatever it is, those are all false. It's not true. The holding onto the hurt does not help. You know, it's like. It's like having a thorn in your foot. Beyond the perfect we discover through our flaws we complete each other. Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the better than Perfect podcast where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect podcast relationship.

Nicole [00:00:59]: And it's casual Friday.

John [00:01:00]: It's for John. It's a gun show. Gun show today. Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:04]: He wanted to wear his tank top today cuz it.

John [00:01:06]: Cuz it's so better than perfect colors.

Nicole [00:01:08]: It is.

John [00:01:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:10]: So but we're normally a little bit more elevated in our attire. But we'll let you have a casual Friday or two.

John [00:01:16]: Casual. Yeah. But yeah, today we're going to be talking about resentment again. Yeah. But how to. More, more. So we've talked about kind of how it's destructive, the most destructive thing to relationship, but more so how to actually get rid of the resentment. Right. What do you do when it builds up, you know, where does it come from? That type of thing.

Nicole [00:01:41]: So, yeah, that'll be good. Because I feel like a lot of people who are in that really resentment phase, they've let it gone so far, they think that they can't get out of it. They almost like paint that person in a different way.

John [00:01:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:02:00]: But if they really uncovered their resentment and why they feel the way that they feel, they'll realize that this person probably didn't change very much, if at all.

John [00:02:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:02:12]: Your perception and your feelings have painted this new picture.

John [00:02:17]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:02:17]: That you are continuing to view your partner through.

John [00:02:21]: Yeah. Because you wonder like, how do people go from, you know, because everyone who gets a divorce. Right. That they're like, now they Hate their spouse. They're like such a horrible person. At some point, they had been so enamored with them that they stood up in front of their friends and family and made vows and that they're going to love them forever. I mean, they were in love. It wasn't just they were attracted to this person. You had a relationship for a long enough period of time where you dated or whatever, and then you proposed and then you were engaged and then you got married and you went through with the whole thing. So you can't just be like, oh, they're a horrible person. I didn't realize it. That's not what happened. What happened was that you started to build resentment. And so my, My thesis, my theory is that every single relationship always falls apart for the same reason, which is resentment.

Nicole [00:03:13]: I mean, it makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense. And I mean, are there multiple ways that people resent people, or do you feel like it's mostly things that are left unsaid that brew in somebody and then they get feelings about it and then they project those feelings onto their partner and then they start viewing their partner differently?

John [00:03:35]: Yeah, I think it's. I mean, we can go back to the kind of the analogy that I have for the brushing your teeth. Right. So it's. It, you know, tartar, automatic, not automatically, but tartar. Tartar ultimately causes cavities and tooth decay. Right. It's the tartar that builds up in your. In your teeth. And so you have to brush your teeth and floss your teeth, go to the dentist. Right. And so in a relationship, that tartar that builds up is resentment. And how does that build up? It comes from not resolving things. Just like, you know, when you eat food, you build up stuff in your. In your mouth and your teeth, and you have to brush your teeth and whatever and floss and go to the dentist to get rid of that. And you're on a daily basis. You need to floss and brush your teeth on a daily basis in the relationship. If you have hurts that happen, unresolved conflicts that you're kind of brushing under the rug, then that's building up over time that hardens into tartar. Because what ends up happening is that if me and you get into a conflict in that day, I remember what it is, and I remember what's going on, and we could resolve it, but five days from now or a week from now, it's still there, but I don't even consciously know what it is anymore because I forgot about the thing, but it never got actually resolved. So it's still buried. It's there. And that's the danger of it, is that you have to be able to resolve these things while you can. And so again, that builds up the tartar in the relationship and then eventually if you don't have that tartar removed, then it ends up becoming decay. And that's where that bitterness, it becomes bitterness, that resentment becomes a root of bitterness. And then that bitterness grows and then you go from love to hate, despise. Right. You go from wanting to be with this person and overlooking all of the quirks that they have to those quirks being really annoying things that you, you hate. And it's because that resentment has, has grown just like, like tooth decay.

Nicole [00:05:36]: So yeah, I mean, I'm glad you said hurt and conflict because I think when we talked about this last time, we more so came at it from like unresolved conflict or poorly resolved conflict.

John [00:05:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:48]: But I think it's important that issues that you have that you suppress also eat away at the relationship and cause resentment and cause you to view your partner in different way. And honestly I would say that the things that we repress is what really causes the resentment. Because like, yes, even if the conflict is not fully resolved, right. Like if it's left open ended, you might be still hurt by it, but you feel like, well, we're not getting anywhere with resolving this so I need to just move on. You don't really move on because obviously it's bothered you. So in my opinion, I think where resentment grows the most is the things that we hold on to that we think either we'll just forget about them, we'll let them go, and we never let them go. We suppress them, whatever, we shove it under the rug. Those things is what builds the plaque and then decays the relationship. Because like, yes, poor conflict resolution will also harm your relationship.

John [00:06:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:56]: However, it's not even, it's the fact that it's unresolved and that there's still hurt there that is really what's damaging everything. Like, because the people that are like, oh well this, I give up, like, or they silent treatment or whatever, like all those feelings are still there.

John [00:07:16]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [00:07:17]: And so you're just holding on to them rather than being able to express them, which obviously is where the conversation and like conflict is still part of the problem. I'm not saying that it's not. If you can't resolve your problems, if you can't resolve your conflict.

John [00:07:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:34]: You will still get the resentment. But really where the resentment comes from and I think this is important because I don't think we talked about this last time, is that it's from the things that we hide within ourselves, because we talked about sweeping things under the rug, but really it's sweeping things under your personal rug.

John [00:07:52]: Yeah. You're not dealing with the things you need to deal with. You're not being vulnerable and bringing them up. It's like if you've ever had a tea bag in your tea, and then have you ever had it where the string comes off and then the tea, and now you got to either get a spoon or put your hands into the hot water to pull the tea bag out. So when the hurt happens, right, you've got the string to be able to pull it out. But then if you waited some time, then you lose that string and you can't get it easily anymore. You know what I'm saying? That's your analogy, but that's how I think of it, is that it's now becomes resentment where you don't even know why you're upset. Right. It's like when people are triggered. It's like, whoa, why did I get triggered? Yeah. Because you had something that you didn't resolve in the past, and now this thing is triggering you. You don't even know why it's making you feel this way, having this reaction. It's because you lost the string to the teabag. It's floating around in your tea. And you're right. And what it ultimately is, is it's some kind of hurt that you had that you didn't express, you didn't deal with. You're like, oh, I can just deal with this myself. Or it's not that big of a deal, but it was a big of a deal. Or even if it's not that big of a deal, you might as well at least then talk about it so that you know. Because if it really isn't a big of a deal, then it's not going to bother you. But if it's bothering you and you don't talk about it, it's going to become a problem. You're going to lose that string to that teabag, and then it's going to be harder to. You're going to have to fish it out at some point.

Nicole [00:09:27]: Yeah.

John [00:09:27]: It's going to be harder to find when you don't know what you're looking for.

Nicole [00:09:29]: Well, here's why I say let it go in quotes. Right. Because let's use your tea analogy.

John [00:09:35]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:36]: To truly let it go would to be just drink Your tea with the teabag in it, right?

John [00:09:40]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:40]: Like, you're just. It's there. You're hurt, but you're. You feel it and you move on. Like, you see that. That you've lost the string, you've accepted it, and you're going to drink the tea with the teabag anyway. Yeah, that is really letting it go. But most people don't really let things go. So that's why I say let it go. Because they're. Let it go is that they are like, I'm not gonna deal with this, or they think they're gonna move on, but they hold on to that. They hold on to the hurt.

John [00:10:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:10:11]: They keep it in there. They don't really let it go. Cause they might need it. They might need it in a later conflict. They might need it to justify their behaviors. They might need it when their resentment does get super bad. So they can add that to the list of why they wanna leave. They. They feel like they need the hurt, but instead of talking about it.

John [00:10:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:10:36]: They just file it away.

John [00:10:38]: Exactly. And that. And that. Okay, so that kind of segues perfectly into the main thing that we're going to talk about, which is how to get rid of the resentment. Right. So if you have this resentment and if you haven't been resolving things, then you're going to have some kind of resentment built up in your relationship. Right. And especially the way to know this is if you. If something your partner does annoys you, if you're ever like, I just need a break from my partner. Okay, red flag. Those are resentment. That's why you would say that. Because when you're in love and before you had any kind of resentment, you're like, I want to spend every moment together. If you're not feeling that way, then there's resentment. And so the analogy that I use is it's like you've got a bottle, right? And it's filled with resentment. And the cork in that bottle that's keeping it in is unforgiveness. And no matter how hard you try to shake out that bottle, Right. Trying to get rid of the resentment. Like, I'm not resenting anymore. I choose to not resent. It doesn't matter. Because the cork in the bottle is unforgiveness.

Nicole [00:11:38]: Keeping it all in there.

John [00:11:39]: And we did a good episode on forgiveness, which you should go watch. Yeah. If you haven't watched that, it's one of our best episodes, I think, most important episodes. And you have to uncork that bottle by forgiving, because until you forgive, you're not gonna be able to get rid of the resentment. And that brings up exactly what you're saying, which is what causes unforgiveness. I had to think about this as I was talking to someone about this, because it's like we've talked about that you should forgive before and why. And it does no benefit to you to hold on to hurt. It's not gonna help you, right? And so. But the core of why you would not forgive someone is because you're holding onto a hurt that's serving you in some way or that you think serves you in some way. Because otherwise, why wouldn't you forgive? Because when you ask a person, well, why would you not just forgive? And it's like, well, because they hurt me, right? And they're holding onto the hurt. They're using this in order to potentially to protect themselves, to get back at someone, to remember that loss. Because they find their identity, they find their significance in the hurt. Somehow they're using that hurt, and they need to hold onto it, and they don't want to let go of it. And so in order to really get rid of the resentment, you have to start with forgiveness. And in order to forgive, you can't just say, I forgive, right? Because as we've talked about, too, forgive is forgive and forget. It means their true definition of forgiveness means it's as if it never happened. If you owe money to the bank and the bank forgives your debt, they don't come back to you later and say, oh, remember when we forgave your debt, or you still owe us some money, it's like it never happened. That's what the true definition of forgiveness is. So it's forgive and forget. And so the only way that you're going to be able to do that is to let go of the hurt. And so what is it that you're holding onto? You have to identify, what is this hurt behind the unforgiveness? And. And how can I let go of it? Because again, if you ask someone, why aren't you forgiving someone? They're always going to say, it's always going to come back to something that they did, some kind of hurt that they're holding onto and that they won't let go.

Nicole [00:13:50]: Yeah, no, I agree. And I think that it starts, in my opinion, if you realize you have a lot of resentment towards your partner, like you said, they're starting to annoy you or you want to spend less time with them, or you're noticing those things, the first thing you have to do is check under your own rug, because, like you said.

John [00:14:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:10]: There's some sort of hurt that you're holding on to. There's a lot of feelings that you have been feeling that you have not communicated to your partner that you've not talked about that have not been resolved. So you kind of have to uncover these things because, like, yes, maybe some people can take the cork out, like, and truly forgive and be like, I don't need to reflect on the things that I've been bottling up. But I think some people, and maybe most people need to look at all the things that they've actually that are in the bottle.

John [00:14:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:43]: You know what I mean? Like, you can look in the bottle. It's your bottle. Like, you know what's in there.

John [00:14:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:47]: You know that like, when your husband, like, forgot your birthday, that. That hurt you, but you tried to play it off like it didn't matter. That's in your bottle.

John [00:14:57]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:14:58]: Like, you know that when your wife, you know, yelled at you and called you a name that she knows that you definitely don't want to be called, hurt you, but you just ignored it because you didn't want to start a fight.

John [00:15:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:15:11]: Is in your bottle. Like, you know what's in your bottle. And I think it's very important to start if you haven't or practice facing these things about yourself.

John [00:15:24]: And let me add this, because I think this is super important. It doesn't mean that they have to be sorry. It doesn't mean you even have to bring it up with them. It can be helpful to bring it up with them, but forgiveness is on you. Meaning that because you might not be able to resolve all of these things, but you're the one who's holding on to the thing. So the letting go, like you said. So if you have all this stuff in the bottle and you're like, okay, well, now I have to address all this stuff with my partner so I can finally forgive them. Wrong. You should still address all the things with your partner that you need to address.

Nicole [00:16:01]: Yeah.

John [00:16:01]: But forgiving them is something that you choose to do by letting go of these things and saying, I'm not going to hold this against them.

Nicole [00:16:08]: Yeah. And that has to be based on your actions, not theirs.

John [00:16:11]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:16:11]: I mean, like you said, like, if you look in your bottle and you're like, let's go back to the guy with the wife calling him a name.

John [00:16:18]: Right.

Nicole [00:16:18]: And you're like, I don't want her to do that again.

John [00:16:21]: Right.

Nicole [00:16:21]: That really Hurt me.

John [00:16:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:16:23]: Then you do need to have a conversation. Sure. If it's something that hurt you, but you feel like it wasn't malicious or it's not a pattern or whatever, or you're able to just forgive it, that's fine. But if there are things in your bottle that still bother you and are more of, like a. A principle or like a standard, how you want to live and have your marriage, you do have to address that. That is part of the uncorking, you know, like, you do have to go about that. But, yeah, like, forgiveness. People think that, like, people have to repent or, like, well, when I can tell that they feel sorry, right. Then I'll forgive them. If, you know, when they seem like they won't do this again, then I'll forgive them. Or when I feel like they won't do this again, I'll forgive them. Like, we put so many, like, expectations onto how or when we're going to forgive people. When, like you said, it's a choice. Like, again, I think you do have to evaluate all the things that you've bottled up in order to get to a place where you really can be like, okay, I'm letting these things go. I'm forgiving this person. And the slate is gonna. The bottle is gonna be empty now. I'm dumping it all out. I'm not holding on to these things anymore. That is when you can truly, like, forgive the person and clear everything out, but only you can do it. Like you said, it's a choice that

John [00:17:45]: you make, and forgiveness is for you, not for them.

Nicole [00:17:48]: Right. That's why it's your choice to make, not anything to do with them.

John [00:17:52]: Yeah. And if you can't figure this out, we did the whole episode on forgiveness. Definitely watch it. But you're gonna definitely have problems with your parents. Cause they're gonna die someday, and they're probably not going to apologize for all the things. And so you're probably never going to forgive them. And you're probably going to deal with that for the rest of your life unless you realize that forgiveness is on your own. Right. You know, I'm saying, because you're not going to have your parents suddenly apologize for all the things they did in your childhood or all the things that you're like. If you're holding on to those things, you have to realize you have to let go of those things. Not when they finally realize, when they finally talk to you. Because you don't know what's going to happen. You know, like, you're in Anyone in your life, you're gonna lose them. You could lose them at any point. And if you have unforgiveness because you feel like they have to do something in order for you to forgive them, then it's never gonna get resolved. And that's not a good way to live. And so you've got to do it for yourself.

Nicole [00:18:45]: Otherwise you're a prisoner in your own life.

John [00:18:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:18:47]: Okay. Because I'm glad you brought up the parents thing, because that's actually a good thing. Do you know what a lot of people say? Typically when they forgive their parents for their childhood?

John [00:18:59]: They were doing the best that they could.

Nicole [00:19:01]: Yeah. That they did the best that they could with the knowledge that they had.

John [00:19:05]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:06]: Why don't we say that about our partners?

John [00:19:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:09]: Why don't we say that about our partners?

John [00:19:11]: And ourselves.

Nicole [00:19:12]: Yeah, and ourselves. When we are able to give our parents that, which I think that the parents. Parents do deserve that, for sure. Like, we're all doing life. This life for the first time.

John [00:19:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:23]: Like, granted, yes, if you're being, like, abused or things like that, that is different. That involves intervention in a different way. But what I'm saying is that most of the time, you hear people who forgive their parents for whatever happened in their childhood, they say they did the best they could with what they knew. Right. Then. Or whatever.

John [00:19:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:43]: And so if we can do that for our parents, why do we not give our partner the same grace? Is it because they're the same age as us? Is it because they're. We just, like, expect our partners to know better.

John [00:19:58]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:59]: When we're all growing and going through life.

John [00:20:02]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:02]: Together.

John [00:20:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:04]: And so there are, I feel like, also other things that are involved when you're holding resentment and you bottle things up. Like, I do feel like avoidant people bottle things up more because anxious people feel a little bit more open to just say it whenever it happens. That's also why they come across anxious, you know, is because they're constantly like, this hurt me. This hurt me. This hurt me.

John [00:20:28]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:28]: And avoidant people are more like, oh, this hurt me. But I'll. I'll just, you know, put that over there and deal with that later. Or, like, it's not a big deal. But it is a big deal because they're not in touch with their emotions in the right way to, like, acknowledge it or talk about it with their partner. So I do think those things are incorporated in this problem as well, too. It's. I'm not saying it's an excuse, but I'm saying that again, when you have that bottle with the cork in it.

John [00:20:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:59]: You have to really look at yourself. You have to really look at what's in that bottle. You have to really look at, well, how did my bottle get this full anyway? Yeah, it's because I don't feel comfortable talking to my partner. Well, why? Like, don't blame it on them. Why do I not feel comfortable talking to my partner? Because I'm just used to handling emotions on my own or whatever the example is. Okay. Like, you have to get to the core of what you have done.

John [00:21:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:29]: It's your responsibility. These things in your bottle are your responsibility. Even though you've been hurt by someone else.

John [00:21:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:39]: Like it's not to invalidate it, but it's also your choice to be hurt by these things.

John [00:21:44]: Yeah. Well, yeah. Because you can only hurt yourself. Like we've talked Right. Before.

Nicole [00:21:48]: But that doesn't mean that you can't have the conversations like we talked about if your wife or your husband's calling you names.

John [00:21:53]: Sure.

Nicole [00:21:53]: You have a conversation about that. Yeah. You have boundaries, you have a conversation, but you have to get really real with yourself. And I feel like a lot of people don't do that. A lot of people are quick to be like, well, they said this and they said that. And yes, you can't control what your wife or your husband is going to say to you.

John [00:22:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:11]: You can't. No matter how much you want to, you can't.

John [00:22:13]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:14]: You can have the boundary, you can have the conversation.

John [00:22:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:17]: But you can't control the outcome. So the best thing to do is that you have to take your bottle, you have to look at all those things. You have to forgive. You have to have conversations if you need to. You have to forgive your partner.

John [00:22:30]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:31]: And you have to let it go. Not non quoted.

John [00:22:35]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:35]: Like truly let it go.

John [00:22:36]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:37]: And then move forward. And also I would say, I would add in that you need to reflect while you're doing all this unbottling on how to not let your bottle get so full again.

John [00:22:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:51]: Like it might still. And that doesn't mean you're wrong or you're bad. You're not going to be perfect, but you should be like, I don't ever want to get to this place where I resent my partner so much that I don't like them any. Like you said, I married this person at one point. I knowingly was making a commitment for the rest of my life to be with this person, to have children, to grow old Together.

John [00:23:14]: Right.

Nicole [00:23:15]: Where did that go?

John [00:23:16]: Yeah. You weren't crazy at that point. And it was. And it's like you don't even need to fill the bottle at all. Right. Because that's where it's like brushing your teeth or flossing every night.

Nicole [00:23:28]: True.

John [00:23:28]: You could go a week without doing that. Sure. And you can have the dentist scrape the tart off your teeth. Sure. If you want to do it that way. But that's a much more painful way to do it. It's not the good plan. The good plan is like, let me brush my teeth once a day or twice a day. Floss. Right. Do that. And so you have to do that. Otherwise, if that builds up, it's harder to remove. It's harder to get rid of. Because when you have the resentment, also, your heart is not in the place where you want to repair with your partner. Your heart is in the place where you're like, I can't believe that I'm with this person. They piss me off. They're so disgusting. They're. Whatever it is, you lose attraction. You don't have the motivation. It's hard to get yourself out of that state when you're. When you're in that state. And also the thing about it is they call it a root of bitterness. Right. Why do they call it a root of bitterness? Because it roots inside you. You know, you start off with some resentment, but that resentment, it creates a root implanted.

Nicole [00:24:23]: Implanted.

John [00:24:24]: And it gets roots, and it's hard to displace that. Pretty soon, that plus plant is growing. That weed of bitterness is growing out of your mouth, and it's rooted in your stomach, and it's not going to come out easy. So you don't want it to get root because once it gets roots, it's going to be hard to remove. And so I think that's the key. And you also don't have to have your partner be receptive in order for you to process these things. Right. So you can be vulnerable even if they're not going to respond in the right way. I think that's the thing that people say, oh, well, I'm not going to tell them because they're not going to respond in the right way. No, no. It's your responsibility to be vulnerable and to share the thing. And whether they respond correctly or not, it doesn't matter because you have prevented yourself from being presented. Exactly. Because you did what you were supposed to do. If they respond in a negative way, you're like, okay, well, I got it off. My chest. I said what I needed to say. I did the thing. Also, I think what's helpful too is in that book we're reading, the Emotional Agility book, there's a lot of studies of people that write down journal what they're feeling, their emotions. Why does that work? Because it's processing. Because even if you're not able to totally resolve something, which some things, again, someone did something to you and they passed away or they're not in your life anymore, you write it down, write how you felt about that. You're processing the emotion instead of denying the emotion. Right? Because a lot of people will try to suppress. They're like, oh, I have to be. I can't get upset. I can't get angry. And that's not correct. As you develop in higher levels of consciousness, less things will make you angry, less things will bring you into negative states of emotion. But you're still going to have those, especially as you're growing. And you don't want to deny them and suppress them. Instead, you want to actually process them and realize that you're having that experience. Doesn't mean you have to hold on to it. But I think that's key. Otherwise, if you're not practicing that hygiene, that emotional hygiene, then you're going to get that emotional tartar and it's going to result in decay and rot. And that's how the relationship, it rots from the inside, just like even a tooth. Right. The other thing about that, I think is a good analogy is that when a dentist looks at a cavity, what ends up happening? I don't know if you know, but you don't see the cavity necessarily at the surface level. What they see is they'll look at the enamel, they'll use that little thing. And when they check your teeth to see if it's hard, if it's soft, they'll dig a little in there. And underneath what looks like a normal tooth is all the rot it's underneath. And so that's what happens is that the relationship, the tooth is rotting from the inside. The relationship is rotting from the inside out. You don't even see it at the surface level. That's why you see people that they seem like such a great couple and they pretend on Facebook or Instagram that everything is great, but underneath it's rotting from the inside, from the resentment.

Nicole [00:27:26]: That's true. I want to go back to what you said about the Emotional Agility Book. I think that is a good book for people to read. This is a side note. Doesn't really go with relationships. But besides journaling, which is good, it has been proven that that does help you process your emotions. Even just being honest with your emotions in your own head.

John [00:27:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:48]: Will help you, like, in the moment. Let's say you say something to me, right? That's rude. And I'm like, I'm angry.

John [00:27:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:27:57]: That was hurtful. And it is making me angry. Like, deep down I'm hurt, which is the true.

John [00:28:03]: True.

Nicole [00:28:03]: But, like, what's coming, how it's being expressed is anger. Right. Like, and I don't have to say that to you and I don't have to act angry towards you.

John [00:28:10]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:11]: But if I acknowledge it, that will help you more than you think. And here's my example. That doesn't have to go with relationships. I went to a yoga class. I told you this. I went to a yoga class, but after reading the emotional agility book, I had this really cute tank top on that I asked John earlier that morning, hey, can you help me clip this? And he didn't really know how to do it, so I thought it was clipped. And I go to do this, like, downward dog, and the clip comes off. Like, luckily, like, my whole top didn't come off. But it was. It was embarrassing. And so in my head, I'm like, that was really embarrassing. I didn't beat myself up, but I was like, that was embarrassing.

John [00:28:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:52]: And normally I would never, like, even in my own head be like, that was embarrassing. I would just be like, oh, my God, did people see? Like, I would just ruminate on it for the entire rest of the class and let it throw off my yoga practice. Right. And maybe even my whole day. Because I'm, like, still embarrassed even though I never admitted it.

John [00:29:12]: Right.

Nicole [00:29:13]: About this thing. I'm just, like, panicking about all the other things, which the underlying thing is embarrassment. Right. But since I would never get to the part where I'm like, I'm embarrassed, or like, that was embarrassing.

John [00:29:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:28]: I would. I would let it go on for so much longer than it really needed to. But instead, since I was in that class and I was like, oh, that was embarrassing.

John [00:29:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:29:38]: I was able to, like, move on.

John [00:29:39]: Yeah, you can. Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:40]: And enjoy the rest of the class.

John [00:29:41]: Right. Because you called it what it was.

Nicole [00:29:43]: Right.

John [00:29:43]: Instead of denying it.

Nicole [00:29:44]: And I was also like, well, who hasn't had. In my head, I'm like, who hasn't had something embarrassing happen?

John [00:29:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:50]: And, like, would I point that out to no. No one. Like, even if someone's like, hey, I saw your Top come off, I'd be like, well, I already knew it was embarrassing.

John [00:29:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:29:57]: So what more can they say to me? You know what I mean? So. Because I accepted that and I went straight to that vulnerable part. Right, right. Where even sometimes we don't even want to tell ourselves the vulnerable thing. We don't even in our head want to say the vulnerable thing we're feeling.

John [00:30:13]: For sure. Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:14]: But when you do.

John [00:30:15]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:16]: You fully process it.

John [00:30:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:19]: Even just saying it.

John [00:30:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:20]: And then you're able to actually let it go.

John [00:30:23]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:24]: You know what I mean? And so I get that that's not a relationship. No, but it's example here. But even if you don't have a journal nearby, the second if you're in a conversation, you can take a moment internally and be like, wow, that really hurt me.

John [00:30:38]: Well, it also creates space separation. The idea is like creating separation between the. The thing and yourself. It's not you. You can observe it. You can be.

Nicole [00:30:48]: Right.

John [00:30:48]: That's the called mindfulness is to say, okay, I'm. I'm feeling angry right now. I'm. It's not that I am angry.

Nicole [00:30:56]: Right, right.

John [00:30:57]: It's like I. Okay. The avatar of John is experiencing anger. Right. Or even in the book she says to name yourself in a third person, which helps because you need to disconnect from that being you. And this is the absolute reality versus this is an experience that you're having. And it's the same thing again. You can apply this to relationship and to your partner in the sense that whatever you're feeling right now, it's not the objective reality. Your partner doesn't hate you. They're not trying to hurt you. They're not trying. They're not trying to do things in order to. To annoy you or whatever it is. Like those are experiences that you're having.

Nicole [00:31:39]: Feelings are not facts.

John [00:31:40]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:31:41]: People forget that.

John [00:31:42]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:31:43]: Like they feel like facts to us.

John [00:31:44]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:45]: But people really need to realize that feelings are not facts.

John [00:31:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:49]: Feelings are helpful tools.

John [00:31:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:52]: But they're not facts.

John [00:31:53]: Exactly. Yeah. There's the whole. I think it's in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He uses a different example, but he calls it a paradigm shift. Stephen Covey. And he talks about this idea that you've. Like, he tells the story of this guy that was on this bus, right. And he's taking the bus home from work or whatever. And there's this father that has like a 4 or 5 year old kid and the kid is just screaming and yelling and acting up on the bus. And he's getting annoyed sitting there listening to this kid. They're like, why doesn't this father do something about this kid? Like, why is he not parenting this kid? He's just letting this kid just annoy everyone on the bus, right? And finally he says something to the father, and he's like, are you going to do something about your kid? Just. He's kind of annoying everyone else on the bus. And the father looks at him and he says, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, sorry, I just. His mom just died in the hospital. We're coming home. I should really, like, make him listen and not let him do that, right? And so it's like. It's a paradigm shit. But it's a complete different. That guy's feelings about the situation completely changed. He now feels embarrassed and he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. I can't believe that you just went through that. I'm sorry I said anything. So the facts didn't change the feelings, did you know what I'm saying? So you think that your feelings are your facts, that they're the same, but then you find out more information, and now you're feeling something different in the exact same situation. So what happened? Did the kids start behaving differently? No, what happened was that the information was there. So the facts are not the feelings. It's a good example of that. And so whatever we're thinking at the time, even especially with it applies to resentment. Because you're like, oh, my partner's so annoying. They do this. I don't like that. I don't think I'm even attracted to them anymore. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I never liked them or whatever it was. No, no, no. That's just because this resentment that you have is changing the way that you feel. But that's not the facts. That's not. The situation was different before, and it will be different again when you get rid of the resentment. Because a lot of people also kill a perfectly good relationship because they build up enough resentment in their bottle, and then they're like, okay, let me just throw the whole thing away. And in reality, it's like any relationship you get into, if you're not dealing with the emotions that you're going through and the hurt and the conflict and resolving them, you're going to fill up that bottle, too. And so you're going to have to keep on going through life filling up bottles, going away the bottles, and you're just going to have a closet full of all these bottles. And that's what they call. That's what they call baggage.

Nicole [00:34:40]: Yeah. You know, and no person to be with, honestly, because you'll throw them away the second that your bottle's full.

John [00:34:46]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. So you have to resolve it. And like I said, the biggest piece to it is getting that cork out, which is the. The forgiveness you have to forgive and the true forgiveness. You know, every time I do a talk on this subject, I would have everyone raise their hands. I'd say, okay, if you've been there for me doing this talk where if you have unforgiveness, if you haven't forgiven someone for something, raise your hand. And everyone raised their hand. I'm like, why are you raising your hand? Why are you holding on to something that's only going to hurt you and doesn't help you in any way? Because not forgiving someone doesn't. You're carrying that load every day. You're the one who has to feel that pain, who feels that resentment. Why not let it go? But you have to identify what is that hurt and what does that hurt doing for you in order to let go of it. Because we hold onto the thing because it's doing something for us. We believe it's doing something for us. It's not really doing something for us, but we have to identify that. And then when we can identify that and say, oh, yeah, I'm not forgiving because this hurt that I experience, it's making me feel like I'm justified. It's making me feel like I'm. Now, it'll protect. It won't happen again if I remember this hurt.

Nicole [00:36:02]: Right, right.

John [00:36:03]: That's a big one that people do. But whatever it is, those are all faults. It's not true. The holding onto the hurt does not help you. You carry it every day like a burden, and it hurts you every day. You know, it's like. It's like having a thorn in your foot and you're like, oh, I can't remove the thorn. Well, why? Because then I'll. I'll forget that. Not to step in thorn bushes. Well, how about you remove the thorn

Nicole [00:36:24]: you still remember from the pain you felt the first time?

John [00:36:27]: Exactly. Exactly.

Nicole [00:36:28]: You don't have to keep carrying the pain and keep experiencing. Experiencing it over and over again.

John [00:36:34]: But if you never get rid of that, if you never let go of the hurt, you're going to think, because a lot of people, they'll say, I forgive you, but they don't really forgive because they're still holding onto the hurt. And so if any point you can reference back and say you did this to me, that means you didn't forgive. Because at any point, if you still have an emotional charge, like you can say you did this to me in a non emotional way and not have an emotional charge behind it. Because it's just facts, right? Like just recounting the facts like you're discussing something. But if there's an emotional charge behind something that someone did to you, it's not forgiven.

Nicole [00:37:07]: That's true.

John [00:37:08]: Otherwise, because that means you're still holding onto the hurt. You don't get to hold on to the hurt anymore. You have to trade it and give it away completely and act like they never did it in the first place. And if, if you can't do that, it's not true forgiveness. And if you can't do that, then you're going to have that bottle of resentment that's going to. Because you won't be able to empty it out.

Nicole [00:37:26]: No, you're right. So what is a good way to actually go about doing this? Maybe an example, because I know we talked a lot about looking at the bottle and what to do, but I think we should go over, you know, someone that has a lot of resentment, how do they go about fixing the things with their partner? Yeah, like I know that we talked about what they can do with their own bottle, but then is there things. Do you think the connection to their partner will come back when they do the things that they need to do on their own or do you think they need to also do things with their partner?

John [00:38:04]: I think, I think they need to do the work on their own, primarily. Right. So. Well, I think the other thing about this, I think that that's tied to it is that when you're resenting your partner, you're actually actively hurting them. Like you're actually actively doing harm to them. Because holding resentment against someone is actually harming them because it's affecting the way that you're interacting with them. You're also being unfair in the sense that you've got something that you're counting against them that they don't even know, perhaps. You know what I'm saying? And that's not fair. Right. So. So it's causing harm. Harm. It's almost deceptive in a way. Right. It's not really telling the truth. So I think though that if you're able to forgive and you're able to work through the things that like again, a true forgiveness is to say that I'm not holding this against you anymore. Then your charged feelings about the situation dissipate, like that bottle. Now all those resentments can come out. Now, it doesn't mean that there's not things that have to be corrected in the relationship, like the reasons why those hurts piled up in the first place. But your feelings about it should be different at that point. Right? Because just like. Again, here's a perfect example is just like I said with the bus example, right? At that point, when that guy. I mean, it's kind of a quick process of forgiveness, right? Because that guy was mad at the other guy on the bus for not controlling his kid. As soon as he figured out that his wife had died and that child's mother had died, he instantly forgave the guy for not controlling his kid. Like, he didn't have to go through this conscious process, but that's what happened. And then all his feelings about it, the resentment, because he was building resentment while he was sitting there on that bus listening to that kid before he said anything. Right. All that resentment disappeared instantly. And then he was able to have a different type of relationship with the man on the bus and the child. Right. No longer irritated, no longer annoyed, no longer, you know, so. So I think that's. That's. That's true.

Nicole [00:40:13]: Well, so it sounds like to me that resentment is the stories that we tell each other ourselves. Like, resentment is all your hurts that you piled up, that is that you're using to make a story about your partner so that you view them that way. Yeah, yeah, that's what it sounds like to me. And you can rewrite the story, Right. But you do have to forgive them.

John [00:40:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:38]: You do have to empty out your jar.

John [00:40:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:43]: But you can do that same thing with, like, the parent thing. When someone goes, I forgive my parents. They were doing the best they can with the knowledge that they had. That's them letting it all go. That's the story. They're. They're changing the story. Because the story before was like, how can my parents do this? How could they treat me this way? How could they, like, neglect me or whatever the story is?

John [00:41:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:07]: They held onto that story until they changed it. And they actually looked through the lens of, you know, what? My parents. Parents did this stuff. So this is all that they knew, and they were trying to do the best that they could do.

John [00:41:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:24]: And I understand that now.

John [00:41:25]: Exactly. And you can look at it. It's just like, okay, this is a human being who made a mistake, and they're either aware of the mistake they made or they're not aware of it. But if they're aware of it, then great, they've made mistakes just like I've made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. You should forgive them. If they're not aware of it, then you should still forgive them. Because there's plenty of mistakes you're making that you're not aware of yet. You know what I'm saying? It's not so. I think if you look at everything through that lens, then you're recreating a story that makes more sense, is that we're all just humans. We're doing the best that we can. We all are. Now, is it good enough? Sometimes? No. Could we try harder? Sometimes? Yes. But the fact that we're not trying as hard as we can is also a mistake we're making. You know what I'm saying? Because we haven't developed a level of awareness and consciousness to understand that at this point. Right. So some people think they're trying the best that they can, but it's not the best they can. That's fine. But they have an error in their thinking about that, which is also a mistake, which is something that comes from not having that experience and knowledge. Like you can't know things until you experience them, until you go through those things. And we all have to sort of work our way through lives. And so if someone does something to you and they're sorry for it, great. If they're not sorry for it yet, then you could be sorry for them because they haven't figured the thing out yet. But either way, like, it's the same experience that you're doing yourself as well. Right. Because you're also making mistakes and conscious of some of them, unconscious of some of those mistakes.

Nicole [00:43:03]: Holding resentment is a mistake.

John [00:43:05]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:43:06]: Holding things in instead of talking about them is a mistake. Holding things in instead of processing them is a mistake. Like, people who hold on to hurt and have resentment think that they're protecting themselves. They think that they're holding on to it for a reason. And most of the time I do feel like it is to protect themselves, for sure.

John [00:43:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:23]: From this hurt again, or worse hurt or whatever it is. But you have to realize that. That you're also making a mistake by doing that.

John [00:43:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:32]: So you can't hold yourself on this, like, high standard.

John [00:43:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:37]: When your mistake just looks slightly different than theirs.

John [00:43:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:41]: I mean, and again, like abuse and things like that, that's different. Yeah, But.

John [00:43:46]: But you still forgive in that case, you don't necessarily have to be with someone who's Abusive. But even if you're holding on to the abuse with Unforgiven, you're like, I could never forgive that person. They did such a horrible thing to me.

Nicole [00:43:57]: Right.

John [00:43:58]: No, it doesn't. That it's just harming you. It doesn't hurt them that you're not forgiving them. It only hurts you. Every day of you holding onto that pain and that hurt. And you're never going to move on until you let go of it. And you have to let go of it by forgiving them. It's not about them, it's about you.

Nicole [00:44:14]: Yeah.

John [00:44:14]: You know what I'm saying? If you make it about them, you're missing the point.

Nicole [00:44:18]: Or maybe even forgiving yourself for holding on to that.

John [00:44:21]: Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the other part is forgiving yourself.

Nicole [00:44:24]: Same thing. I think forgiving yourself has to come first, personally. I think that that's why when you look at your bottle and you get real about everything that's in your bottle.

John [00:44:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:33]: And you figure out why these things hurt you or what the deep, underlying vulnerable feeling is or emotion is, you have to forgive yourself. Because a lot of the things that trigger or hurt us don't even come from what actually was, like, happening. Sometimes it does.

John [00:44:54]: Right.

Nicole [00:44:54]: Sometimes it comes from something that has nothing to do with that person and came from all the way back here.

John [00:44:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:59]: That you held on to or ways that you feel about yourself that someone said or did something that. That you made hurt you.

John [00:45:12]: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:13]: And so, yeah, you have to forgive yourself. And I think, honestly, if you can't forgive yourself, kind of like, if you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else. If you can't forgive yourself, you can't forgive other people. Like, if you can't forgive yourself for all the mistakes and bad things you've done in your life, which we've all done. If you can't forgive yourself, if you can't look at that and be like, they were the version of me was doing the best that they could with the knowledge that they had.

John [00:45:40]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:41]: If you can't do that, you can't forgive people. And that is a reason why people can't forgive people. It's not because they're like, they don't know how or like they're not really trying as hard as they can. I think it's because they don't even know how to forgive themselves.

John [00:45:59]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:59]: And they are holding their own mistakes against themselves.

John [00:46:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:06]: So harshly that, like, they have all those in a different bottle.

John [00:46:10]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:10]: And then now they're filling up another bottle.

John [00:46:12]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:13]: With someone else.

John [00:46:14]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:14]: And they're like, I can't even look at my own bottle. You think I'm going to like, know how to deal with this bottle?

John [00:46:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:19]: Like you have to forgive yourself.

John [00:46:21]: Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:46:22]: For all the mistakes. Because then that will also help you look at your partner and any other human being as what they are, which is a human being which makes mistakes. And look, again, I'm just coming from my perspective as an avoidant person, I do think that you can't face your own mistakes.

John [00:46:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:41]: And try to hold yourself to this like high level of perfection.

John [00:46:45]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:45]: That then you expect from other people and then when they don't do it, you end up resenting them when it's like you didn't even do it yourself.

John [00:46:54]: Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, it's like just, just as you're saying about the, the love. Right. Like, and you've heard me say it before, sometimes people don't like when I say it. But you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself because you can't give what you don't have.

Nicole [00:47:08]: Right.

John [00:47:08]: The love that you have has to overflow from you. Like, if you need love, if you're not, if you don't have it, then you're going to be taking it. But if you have it, then it overflows out from you. And the best indicator to tell how a person will treat another person is how they talk to themselves. And a person who talks to themselves harshly, they might pretend to be kind to people, but in reality they're jealous, resentment, envious of other people. They might say the nice words, but in reality, if they get upset or they're under stress, they're going to snap. They're going to tell how they really feel. But a person who speaks nicely to themselves, who has a high esteem, is going to treat other people well. Because the reason why is really simple. It's that we are wired to survive. We are wired for self survival. Right. So we're always going to do things that are in our ultimately in our best interest. Right. And so however, if we're going to treat ourselves the best honestly, like, that's what we do because we make choices that are for we. No one would make choices that are against them. They make choices that are for them. Right. Or at least they think that they are. And so if you have a standard for yourself that's up here, Right. You're going to hold other people to a higher standard than that. You know what I'm saying? You give yourself a little. So if you think that you're a piece of shit, then you're going to think that everyone else is a piece of shit because they're not going to measure up to the like, you know what I'm saying? It's like if you don't love yourself, you're not going to love other people because you're going to be kindest to yourself. And if your kindness to yourself looks like horrible beating yourself up, then you're not going to be kind to other people. You're not going to love other people. And so that's the same thing with the forgiveness. If you can't forgive yourself, if you're like, well I don't deserve forgiveness, then you're going to be like, well, they don't deserve forgiveness. Right. Even though forgiveness is not something to be deserved, but you're going to have that same mental block.

Nicole [00:49:15]: Yeah. If you hold your own mistakes against you so harshly where you don't feel like you can forgive yourself.

John [00:49:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:49:20]: You'll never forgive anyone else because you'll feel like they definitely don't. You can't forgive them if you can't even forgive yourself.

John [00:49:28]: Yeah. Because ultimately we, we always think about ourselves that we're, we're the best. Right. Like, like whether we really like, not necessarily like we could have a negative self talk, but what I'm saying is that like we're, we're self preserving. We're going to try to make choices that are best for ourselves.

Nicole [00:49:43]: Right.

John [00:49:44]: Ultimately, I mean that you can't make sacrifices altruistically, you know, but, but in general we're going to make those choices. And so you have to start with forgiveness for yourself because if you're not going to extending that grace to yourself, you're not going to extend the grace to anyone else in any area of your life. So.

Nicole [00:50:00]: Yeah, well, so you guys heard it here that to get rid of resentment, it's all on you.

John [00:50:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:07]: You got to do the work. I mean, not to say that you don't have conversations with your partner about they can help things that hurt you and are having boundaries or things like that, or standards for your relationship or rules. If you haven't put in some of the rules that like we've talked about, you can do those things as well too if that's part of your resentment or things like that. But most of the stuff, I mean all of the stuff essentially is on you as a person to do.

John [00:50:36]: Yeah. And it's like I Think a good way to look at it is kind of from a stoic perspective, like, let's say, you know, because we tend to personify people, obviously, but we think that it's personal. But in reality, the better way to look at life is that everybody is a hot stove in the sense that if you touch a hot stove and you burn yourself, you don't get mad at the stove and be like, why did you do that, you stupid stove? Right. Like, I can't believe that. Right. You don't think that because it's an inanimate object, it's doing what it's supposed to do. It didn't burn you. You. It just did something and you touched the thing. Like, you caused the. The heart, the harm. Right. And so every single person in your life is like that. Right.

Nicole [00:51:25]: Like, person in your life is a stove.

John [00:51:26]: Is a hot stove. Yeah. Because. Because it's a better way to think about. Because if you think about it that way, as impersonal as the stove burning you, then you're going to have a lot less trouble in life. Because when someone hurts you, you won't say, how dare you do that. I can't believe you hurt me. Instead, you're like, ow. Okay, maybe I should not touch that stove anymore. Or maybe I should turn the heat down on that stove or whatever it is. Or maybe I should have a conversation about this with the stove. Yeah. But my point is that it's not personal. You're no longer trying to personify and make it that someone did something to you. You just experienced a thing. You experienced some pain. You kind of chose that path.

Nicole [00:52:14]: You chose that stove.

John [00:52:15]: Yeah. You chose to be in that interaction. You know what I'm saying? So it's just a result of. It's a way of just going through life thinking about things in the right way. That it's not that someone did something to you, it's something that just happened to you. Because everyone else is. They're running their own code. They're running their own scripts.

Nicole [00:52:36]: Right.

John [00:52:36]: They're not doing, like, the world doesn't revolve around you. They're not. Everyone is trying to, like, mess you up. Right.

Nicole [00:52:42]: They're not out to get you.

John [00:52:43]: They're trying to do their own things. And then it just so happened that you got hurt by one of them. Okay. That's not. You know, that's. Maybe they shouldn't be doing that thing, but it's not their fault. It's your fault that you got hurt by the thing.

Nicole [00:52:55]: So that's Like a whole nother level.

John [00:52:57]: Yeah. It's another. But.

Nicole [00:53:00]: But just remember, everyone's a stove. Hot stove.

John [00:53:03]: Yes.

Nicole [00:53:05]: And you picked the stove that you picked.

John [00:53:07]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:08]: And just because you're telling yourself a story, different story about your stove, doesn't mean that it's not the same stove.

John [00:53:15]: Exactly. That's right.

Nicole [00:53:17]: So again, it's on you. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, process the deep emotions. And if you have a conversation with your partner.

John [00:53:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:28]: It needs to be actually vulnerable. Vulnerable does not mean I don't know if I want to be with you anymore or you annoy me or you, whatever. Like, those are not vulnerable feelings.

John [00:53:41]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:42]: Vulnerable feelings would be like, when you called me this name, I felt extremely hurt and afraid that you really believe this thing about me, that this is how you view me.

John [00:53:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:58]: That's vulnerable.

John [00:54:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:01]: Vulnerable is not attacking some other person.

John [00:54:03]: Yeah. Yeah. And it's not defending yourself.

Nicole [00:54:06]: Right. Well, and so. And it's. And it's your responsibility to learn how to communicate properly. Like, if you are spilling all of your emotions onto everyone else.

John [00:54:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:17]: In the conversations that you're having, that is a mistake on you.

John [00:54:21]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:23]: Like, I get that if you've never done this before, if you've never had to, like, control the way that you talk, it's going to be hard at first. But it's not impossible.

John [00:54:32]: Right?

Nicole [00:54:33]: It is nowhere near impossible.

John [00:54:35]: And how you talk starts with how you think.

Nicole [00:54:38]: Yeah.

John [00:54:38]: So if you haven't yourself. Right.

Nicole [00:54:41]: Translates to how you think about other people. Like you said, translates to how you talk to people.

John [00:54:45]: Yeah. So sometimes you just have to reframe the situation in your mind.

Nicole [00:54:48]: Yeah.

John [00:54:48]: Because it's one thing to watch your words. Okay. But it's better if you can watch your thoughts and captivate your own thoughts. You get to choose what you think about. Some things pop in your head, but you get to choose to dwell on them, to dispel them and say, that's not true. You get to make those choices. And yeah. If you choose to make people the enemy. But that's why if you choose to be like just a hot stove that got burned on, then your response is going to be a lot different than, this person tried to get me. That stove is out to get me. I can't believe it burned me.

Nicole [00:55:18]: That's where the resentment comes from. The exact story that you just said, if you portray your partner as a villain, you will eventually see them as a villain.

John [00:55:26]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:55:26]: And when you really step away from it and view what's actually Been going on. A lot of times you'll realize you're the villain, right?

John [00:55:36]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:55:37]: Honestly, like, even though who's different? Oh, it's you take yourself to jail. But no, honestly, like, a lot of people who protect themselves by holding on to hurt.

John [00:55:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:55:50]: Don't think that they could possibly be the villain because they're just protecting themselves. They've been hurt. Look at this. That's why they hold on to it. They're like, look at this. No, I've been hurt. I'm the victim. Or exactly as they're being the villain.

John [00:56:02]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:03]: Which I'm not saying this to have to add to your shame collection that you have over here to your shame jar. That's not what I'm doing. But the thing is, realize that sometimes you do things that are not good and that harm the relationship.

John [00:56:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:18]: And a lot of times it's holding resentment towards your partner is harming the relationship more than the things that they have done to you.

John [00:56:27]: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:56:29]: So you just have to get real again. Like, whatever you need to do, view it as like third person. View it as someone else's jar. Like, pretend you're talking to your friend and they've been through this kind of stuff and like, help them through it. Not help, not be like, oh, yeah, f that person or whatever. Like, that's not actually helping people. Like, whatever you need to do to really get real about what you've done here, what you got in your jar.

John [00:56:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:55]: What you need to forgive, how you need to show up based on all these things will help you and you won't have to fill up your jar anymore. Like you said, you won't even eat the jar. You could throw out the jar.

John [00:57:09]: Yeah. And I think if you are at the point of having the resentment, it's not even a. I mean, you have to deal with this and not think that, like you said, that your partner has to deal with it. It doesn't even really serve a purpose to say, hey, I'm resenting you.

Nicole [00:57:30]: Right.

John [00:57:31]: It serves a purpose to deal with this and say, I'm sorry because I've been holding resentment and I didn't deal with it, but I'm dealing with it now at that point, then having the discussion. But it doesn't have any purpose to say, I'm resenting you. Help me deal with this.

Nicole [00:57:51]: That's not it.

John [00:57:51]: Because it's on you. Because you're the one who's chosen that path.

Nicole [00:57:54]: Yeah. That's putting the responsibility onto someone else when it's Your responsibility.

John [00:57:58]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:57:59]: Yeah, that's true.

John [00:58:01]: All right, well, I think that's it for. Do we. Do we have. Do we have anything for this? I don't think we have anything for this week, do we?

Nicole [00:58:08]: I don't think so.

John [00:58:10]: Yeah, things have been pretty.

Nicole [00:58:11]: I just let it go. I let the tea bag sink to the bottom if it does. No, no. I figured you would bring it up if there was something that I forgot.

John [00:58:20]: I don't think so. Things have been smooth. Even. Even, you know, even child life has been smooth. It's been really.

Nicole [00:58:27]: Do not jinx us. Do not jinx us, John.

John [00:58:32]: No, I think. I feel like it's been really overall all around, and we've even been under pretty stressful situations with people working on our house all the time and all the stuff, so.

Nicole [00:58:43]: Yeah.

John [00:58:43]: Yeah. Maybe we learned something. I don't know.

Nicole [00:58:46]: We've learned a lot of something.

John [00:58:50]: Well, all right. Well, if you have a question for us, you can email us@betterthanperfectpodcastmail.com or visit the website betterthanperfectpod.com and, like, subscribe. Yeah. Do all the things.

Nicole [00:59:03]: Share with your friends, family.

John [00:59:05]: Yeah. For somebody who makes this episode, which is everyone.

Nicole [00:59:11]: Yeah. We're not just trying to, like, get popular. Like, we want to help people.

John [00:59:15]: Yeah. So someone needs this. Yeah. Yeah. Or go through. You could definitely watch the episode Unforgiveness for sure. That's a huge one. If you're struggling with. With forgiveness. Because most people are struggling with forgiveness if they're being honest. So. Yeah. All right, we'll see you next week.