Nicole [00:00:00]: You have to be firm in what you believe in. Your partner, your best friend could say something. Mom could say something. People that you feel like are close to you could also maybe have ulterior motives. Some people, too, might sabotage you. And I say all this because when I got cheated on, the girl was my best friend. So it's like. And then she was sitting there being like, I can't believe you thought that I would do that to you. And I'm like, but you did do that to me. So it's like, beyond the perfect we.

John [00:00:25]: Discover through our flaws we complete each other. Better than perfect.

Nicole [00:00:32]: Perfect.

John [00:00:32]: We stay through every fault we find our way.

Nicole [00:00:41]: Welcome back to the better than Perfect podcast, where each week two imperfect people helping each other be better equals one better than perfect relationship. Did I forgot to say plus? Right. I messed that all up.

John [00:00:57]: Better than perfect podcast, where two people.

Nicole [00:01:00]: Helping each other two imperfect people helping each other be better equals one better than perfect relationship. Is there a plus in there or something?

John [00:01:10]: That is the plus. This equals. Or two.

Nicole [00:01:15]: We're here. Yeah, welcome. Okay.

John [00:01:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:19]: Well, so it's your.

John [00:01:21]: Oh, it's turned. Okay. So it's my topic. Yes. So I guess we'll just. We're gonna pretend like we didn't just record the last episode.

Nicole [00:01:33]: Well, they would have never known.

John [00:01:34]: I'm too honest.

Nicole [00:01:35]: Well, they actually would have known, probably. They paid enough attention.

John [00:01:38]: Yeah, we're just. We're getting in. Getting ahead of it, getting in front of it. That's always a good strategy. So. But yeah, we gotta build up a little bit of a buffer here, you know, so we can go on our trip to Hawaii. So. All right, so my topic for this week is family and relationships.

Nicole [00:02:02]: Like, how your family fits into your relationship or interacts with and whatnot.

John [00:02:07]: Yeah. So basically, how do you deal with family? Difficult family. How should you.

Nicole [00:02:13]: Introducing family.

John [00:02:14]: Introducing family. Exactly. And I guess friends could fall into that category, too. But we could start off with perhaps. How do you introduce. And when do you introduce your significant other to your family?

Nicole [00:02:27]: Well, normally I would say to give it a decent amount of time. Like, again, I don't want to put, like, specifics on because I know there's people watching this who are going to be like, all right, I have to wait so and so months before. But I would say, like, if you're really into each other and have gotten to know each other pretty well in a month, I would say you could start with friends in a month.

John [00:02:51]: Ah, yeah.

Nicole [00:02:52]: And then I would say within, like, two or three months. You could introduce your family. However, with you, it was not very long.

John [00:03:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:06]: After. Because you, like, moved, and then we decided to move into a different apartment. So you had an office space. Space. And then I was like, oh, well, my mom was planning to come.

John [00:03:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:18]: And she still thinks I live at the other apartment, so we're gonna figure this out. So you met my mom, like, pretty quick.

John [00:03:25]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:03:26]: Like, luckily, my parents are very cool parents, so I'm never, like, nervous about people meeting my parents or, like, back in the past. Like, you know, I'm never like, what's gonna happen?

John [00:03:38]: I was like, oh, your mom is Paula Dean. Like, I.

Nicole [00:03:43]: She has a country accent for sure.

John [00:03:45]: Because it's like. I was like, where did that come from? Because you don't have any country accent at all. But then she definitely has a country accent. So I was like, she's. You know, Nicole's worked hard to not be.

Nicole [00:03:57]: I definitely have. But yeah. So you met her pretty quickly. Yeah. And then I think a few months later, again, my parents plan to come down, and this time my dad was coming, and I actually. You were already committed. Yeah, I had already committed to working a dance competition. So I was in, like, Miami, Fort Lauderdale, doing a dance competition, and you picked my parents up from the airport and had dinner with them and all this stuff.

John [00:04:24]: So, yeah, I had to meet her. 6 4. Your 64 dad with lots of guns, like, by myself.

Nicole [00:04:32]: Look, you didn't bring any guns to Florida. You might have been.

John [00:04:35]: Florida. So I. I'm living with your daughter. This is our place where we live together.

Nicole [00:04:41]: Yeah, you say that like Sophia doesn't bring somebody home. You're not gonna be that dad.

John [00:04:47]: No, but.

Nicole [00:04:47]: But, I mean, your guns are on full display all the time, so.

John [00:04:51]: But we. We had it. I mean, it was fun. We had a good day. We just started. We immediately took to each other, your dad and I, and just. We're just talking. Like.

Nicole [00:04:58]: Oh, yeah.

John [00:04:58]: Like, girls.

Nicole [00:04:58]: I was texting my mom. She's like, they haven't stopped. So she was like, I finished eating before then. My mom is the slowest eater.

John [00:05:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:07]: Ever. And when she texted me that she finished eating before you guys, I was like, they haven't stopped talking. Like, there's. That's the only thing.

John [00:05:14]: I love your mom and dad. They're awesome. They're like, seriously super awesome. So.

Nicole [00:05:18]: But be happy to hear that. But I would say, though, that, like, I wouldn't. I didn't introduce a lot of people to them when I wasn't in a lot of serious relationships, and that's what it would take. But it. I do feel like you should be cautious to some extent, because you're also, like, inviting your parents to become attached to this person. And if you're not really that serious, then, like, it's just kind of like another person for this.

John [00:05:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:47]: Your family to remember then, like, what if you break up and then they can't keep the people straight, you know, if you're, like, dating a bunch of people. So I would say, like, friends after a month, if you're serious, and then parents, you could do within two or three months.

John [00:06:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:04]: And, you know, one of my friends just met her boyfriend's parents, and they all went to dinner, and, you know, I feel like it is kind of awkward sometimes the first time. I mean, if you're someone like me who, like, doesn't like the awkward silence, you're just going to talk and try to make it more fun anyway. But it can. It can be hard because you're like, you don't know what people are gonna think, and, you know, like, what your partner has said to their parents and you're meeting them for the first time or lack thereof. Because I know, you know, like, sometimes your partner doesn't, you know, say very much, and then they just kind of meet you or they tell them everything and then they meet you. So it's like, it could be different. Different degrees. But yeah, I mean, I was pretty nervous. Meaning your family, just because of, like, our circumstances. Like, they're lovely. They're, like, the sweetest people.

John [00:06:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:55]: But I was like, this is, like, it was kind of scary for me because I'm like, this is, like, not what they were expecting. And, like, what if they're so, like, blown away by what you're going through that, like, they don't really want to get close to me because. And at some point, like, your sister, like, one of them said to you that she didn't really know what was going on and didn't want to get too close, and I don't blame her for that.

John [00:07:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:24]: You know, and now we. We all get along.

John [00:07:26]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:27]: And, like, your family's met my family. We've had Thanksgiving together. And, you know, we've blended all together. And so it feels so good because your family is so warm and welcoming and loving. And, you know, my family is. Tries to be the same way. Good job. But, you know, sometimes. Sometimes the circumstances does make it a little bit scarier to meet parents for the first time. Right. Because you don't know how they're going to respond or, like, what they're going to say or bring up. And then you're like, oh, God. But it was not. I was nervous, but they were so nice and they welcomed me in with open arms from the very beginning. So, yeah, like, we don't have any.

John [00:08:10]: Yeah, luckily we haven't had to. I mean, a lot of people have gone through the opposite. And part of the reason to wait some period of time before introduction. Well, you should definitely make sure that you're stable because you don't want to be having fights. And then introducing the parents, and now you're like, I'm breaking up. And then you're back together with the person. And then now.

Nicole [00:08:31]: Now you have to explain it back and forth over and over and over and over again.

John [00:08:35]: Yeah, that become difficult, for sure. And then. And then also, like you said, you're kind of disrupting other people's lives with their. And you want them to take it seriously. You know that.

Nicole [00:08:48]: Yeah.

John [00:08:48]: That.

Nicole [00:08:48]: This is my mom after I got cheated on a long time ago. She was like, I don't want to meet any of your boyfriends unless, like, you're super serious. So, like, that also put. Which, like. Yeah, that's just because she also was so involved with him.

John [00:09:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:01]: Like, we all went on vacation and she was so intertwined with him and our relationship that it really hurt her. Like, she wasn't doing it to be, like, mean or anything. Like, she really was hurt.

John [00:09:12]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:12]: And so I got her perspective. But then at the same time, too, I was like, now I'm afraid to. To like. Yeah, tell her about somebody. And then like, what if it doesn't work out like you said? So it. It is important to be, like, stable, because even if you are stable, like, something could happen.

John [00:09:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:29]: Like that, you know, and you are introducing and involving someone else in their lives too, and they're going to have feelings about it, you know, like, so it's important to kind of figure out where you guys are at, at least to, like, the best of your ability and kind of be like, is this someone I do want to introduce to my family and have intertwined with all of that.

John [00:09:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:54]: Or is this something that maybe I need to wait a little bit longer or maybe, you know, now that I'm reflecting that this probably isn't the best idea? You know, there's so many different ways, because maybe you just need to wait a little bit longer. Like, maybe right now two or three months in doesn't feel right, but maybe six months in feels Right. I mean, I would say if it's a whole year, then you're kind of on the verge of like, what are you hiding?

John [00:10:17]: You're supposed to be engaged by then, so. Or somewhere around that timeline.

Nicole [00:10:21]: Right.

John [00:10:22]: Or at least.

Nicole [00:10:22]: No.

John [00:10:23]: Yeah, no. Yeah, exactly. So for that long.

Nicole [00:10:26]: Yeah, I would say that.

John [00:10:27]: I mean, even when what some of stuff we went through is probably hard on, you know, that's true. Family and my family and stuff, you know, because, you know, initially. But.

Nicole [00:10:37]: Right.

John [00:10:37]: Yeah. So that's.

Nicole [00:10:40]: That's the hard part, though, when you, you know, you care about somebody and you want them to be a part of your family. Your entire family.

John [00:10:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:10:49]: And then if something happens, then they have to find out about it. Like, you can't.

John [00:10:53]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:10:54]: I mean, I guess you like. And that's not to say we'll get into this. I know. Further on into this episode. But I'm not saying you tell all your business. Business to your family.

John [00:11:04]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:11:05]: But in, like, if things get rocky or you separate or whatever, you do have to tell your parents that. I mean, unless it's short. So short that, like, it, you know, you don't tell anybody about it. But, you know, you do have to be honest with them and let them know what's going on, because two, then they can support you and they should support you in the right way rather than, like, screw him, you know, like, tear the person down because you don't know if you're going to get back together or what's going to happen.

John [00:11:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:39]: So it is complicated. And then some parents don't act that way. You know, some parents blatantly tell the person they don't like them or, you know, and. Or like the mom, when it comes to the son is, like, so overprotective that she almost is trying to run off the girl. Like, I never dealt with any of that, like, personally, but I've heard plenty of stories.

John [00:12:00]: Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:12:01]: About things like that. Or like, you know, just the person's partner doesn't get along with the parents to the point where it, like, either causes the child to have a strained relationship with the parents and have to make tough decisions or like, you know, that there's like a constant battle between your spouse and your parents, and you're like, you're still involved, but, you know, it's so many different things that could happen.

John [00:12:30]: Oh, yeah. Yeah. And the other thing about that, too is it's like you don't want to introduce too, too early because you don't want to be influenced by even your Friends, like, you know, you need to make your own decision about a person.

Nicole [00:12:44]: Right.

John [00:12:45]: A lot of times family members, well meaning might give you their inputs on our friends and there's a time and place for it. But initially you need to be making your own assessment and not being influenced by other, other people.

Nicole [00:12:59]: So one, I think too, when you, like you said, when you know how you feel, that can't happen. Because even my best friend, when we like our very few, like first. First dates.

John [00:13:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:13:12]: When she definitely didn't know you and I barely knew you, she was like, I don't know about this guy sort of thing, you know, which is like, she's trying to be a good friend. She's trying to like, look out for me.

John [00:13:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:13:22]: But she was kind of right, though.

John [00:13:24]: Like in a little bit there was some, some hidden.

Nicole [00:13:27]: She could. She had the intuition red flags. But, you know, I was like, no, I had a really good time, you know, like, I think that he's a good guy and here we are. But you know, like, I'm saying that she wasn't being malicious.

John [00:13:40]: No, no.

Nicole [00:13:41]: But she didn't know you. I barely knew you, so I couldn't even like fully back you up because we had been on three dates, you know, I was just going based on what I knew from those three dates and was like, he seems like genuine and you know those things. But.

John [00:13:54]: But you could have been influenced by it, you know, I mean, some people would.

Nicole [00:13:57]: If it would be anybody, it'd be her because she was like my go to girl and still is. But you know that. But I still knew. Right. And I still like overpowered what she was saying with what I knew to be true. And that's why what you're saying is so right that you have to know, you have to be firm in what you believe in your partner.

John [00:14:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:20]: Because even your best friend could say something, your mom could say something, your brother could say something like, you don't know what's gonna happen. And I'm not even saying that, like, because sometimes your closest friends and your family are trying to protect you.

John [00:14:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:34]: So it's like you can't not listen to what they're saying. You should still listen to their concerns. But if you know that you can like actively debate them with facts of like, what you know, then that's a good thing. If they're bringing up like things like, oh, I noticed this, and you're just like, no, he would never do that. Or like, blah, blah, blah, blah, or being kind of like naive to it, then That's a different thing. But again, that's kind of hard to discuss too, because it's really complicated. You know, like, some people, too, might sabotage you and be like, oh, I saw him flirting with some girl, and then that not happened.

John [00:15:13]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:13]: You never know. So, because. And I say all this because when I got cheated on, back to the cheated episode, it was with my best friend. Like, the girl was my best friend. So it's like. And then she was sitting there being like, giving you. I can't believe you thought that I would do that to you. And I'm like, but you did do that to me. So it's like, yeah, even people that you feel like are close to you and that could be your friend or your family.

John [00:15:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:36]: Could also maybe have ulterior motives that you don't necessarily know about. So it's really complicated.

John [00:15:44]: Yeah. Yeah. And then. And then, I guess, you know, talking about the whole interactions is, you know, how should you interact with. Especially if you have. Well, I mean, maybe we could talk about some of the common issues that are faced. Right. So for men, certainly a lot of men are mama's boys, and they continue to be when they get in a relationship with a woman or get married. And the problem with that is that, look, as a man, you have to put your wife first, above mom, above dad, above the rest of the family. And if there's a dispute, because oftentimes that does occur where maybe the mother is overprotective of the boy or the man now is a mama's boy, and she doesn't like the wife, and there's a conflict. And the thing that I see a lot of guys do wrong is they side with the mom or they try to protect the mom. And a woman in that situation needs to feel like the man has her back 100%.

Nicole [00:16:58]: Right.

John [00:16:58]: It's like, look, you know, if you're gonna have a problem with my wife, then you're not gonna be in my life.

Nicole [00:17:06]: Right. That's most of the time to these moms, it's coming from their problems. Right. And they're projecting it onto the woman because they wouldn't be happy with their son, with any woman.

John [00:17:16]: Right, Exactly.

Nicole [00:17:17]: It's not normally a specific woman.

John [00:17:19]: Yeah. But the man needs to be able to stand up because, you know, men, I'll tell you, if you don't stand up for your wife and she sees your mom telling you what to do that you're. She's going to lose a ton of respect for you, not going to be attracted to A man that can't stand up to his own mom. Right, right. That. That puts his mom's feelings first, above hers. Not. Not good. So it's like. And the thing is, again, it comes back to the last episode we were talking about becoming one is that's the thing is, it's like, even if your wife is wrong as a man and your mom's right, you got to tell your mom and go, look, it doesn't matter. Like, you come between us, you get cut out. Nothing comes between us. That's how it works. Because there's going to be times where maybe that is the case. But as a husband and wife, you back each other up 100%, even when the other person's wrong, at least to the public. You know what I mean? Like, privately, you have a discussion, you can hash things out, but publicly, if anyone comes against you, I'm 100% going to be on your side and only your side. And so that's the thing with family, is that, like I said, as a man, you have to be very clear in that and make it very clear that whoever the family member is, whether it be a mom, dad, sister, brother, whatever it is that my immediate family, my wife, my children, they come first. And you guys, you have to get along with my choice, otherwise we're not going to. Most families are supportive and they should be of the choice, even if they don't disagree. Even if they disagree with the choice, they need to be supportive of the choice and allow you to make your decision and. And be respectful and courteous, because it is, you know, and I think a lot of guys, they get bent out of shape about that, and they're like, oh, no. It's like, she doesn't like my family or my family doesn't like her. And it's. And it kind of goes the other way, too. I think if you've got a spouse who doesn't like your family and is mean to your family, you know, that creates a more tough situation. Right. Because you as the man, still have to take responsibility for that and into. And to. You're still going to have to ultimately side with your wife. Right. Because that's the choice.

Nicole [00:19:43]: It's hard to do. It is, you know, that they're the one in the wrong, like, and actively hurting people, you know, like, intentionally sometimes.

John [00:19:53]: Yeah. But you've ultimately got to. I mean, that's part of the. The burden that you bear if you. If you choose to become one. So you have to work those issues out between the two of you. Instead of ever putting your wife in a situation where it would be, you know, you taking the side of the. Of the family, so. Which is tough. It is extremely tough situation.

Nicole [00:20:14]: But, yeah, I feel like it's hard, too, because women do like men who treat their mothers well, because that does typically indicate that a man will treat her well.

John [00:20:25]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:27]: And like sisters or any other type of women, you know, in his life. But there are definitely some scenarios where it's just, like, totally unhealthy. And, you know, the mom, too, is like, almost in your relationship sometimes. Like, I guess the closest that I experienced was with the ex that cheated on me. And his mom would be like, you know, make sure he does his homework and all this stuff. I'm like, I don't. I don't want to do that. But, you know, like, she's telling me to tell him and like, you know, so. And it just, It. It does put a strain on the relationship, too, when it's, like, that much involved or like, she's still trying to run his life. In your relationship.

John [00:21:11]: Yeah. A relationship between two people.

Nicole [00:21:13]: Right.

John [00:21:13]: Not three people.

Nicole [00:21:14]: Right. Well, that's a whole nother episode that we'll have to do on that sort of thing. But yeah, yeah, it's. It's complicated because. And two, like, it even made me sad a little bit hearing you say some of the stuff that, like, men have to take it to such extreme. Especially it's sad to hear, you know, if someone is, like, talking poorly about your family or treating them poorly actively, that you still have to side with that person. And I mean, that just goes to show how important it is to pick the right partner and all of those things. But it is sad that, like, you know, that sometimes you even have to side with your partner if they're treating people that way.

John [00:21:57]: And you should. Again, as a man, I would say that you should be providing some leadership and instruction and working the issues out and trying to fix that issue in the relationship so that she's not doing that. But ultimately you do have to make that choice. And I think the other side of it, too, is, though, that sometimes it's on the other side. So a lot of times what will happen in a relationship is that the woman will be greatly influenced by her mom and she'll be talking to her every day on the phone. And that's not a good thing either, because it's, again, relationships between two people. As a man, I can give from the man's perspective, you gotta make sure that it's clear that this is Our relationship, not your mom's relationship.

Nicole [00:22:50]: Well, I feel like, actually now that you mention it, that it both kind of tethers you to your adolescence.

John [00:22:58]: Yes. Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:59]: And so you can't really be an adult if you're, you know, a super mama's boy or calling your mom every day and can't make a decision without her input. It's. I'm not saying don't, like, talk to your parents, but I'm just saying that it's almost like still such a high reliance that a child would have on a parent rather than an adult with a parent, a parent, adult relationship now, and especially if you're in a serious relationship, you're. Or you're married, like, you should be relying on your partner to that level rather than your parents.

John [00:23:35]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:23:36]: So.

John [00:23:37]: Yeah. So those things have to be cut. You have to really leave the nest. You can't. You know, it's fine to talk to your parents once a week or once every two weeks or whatever it is, but. But every single day, regardless if you're a man or woman, when you're in a serious relationship, that's not appropriate. It's not what you should be doing. You're not. You need to grow up.

Nicole [00:23:56]: Your focus is taken off of your relationship, and it's more on, like, that relationship or it's like, juggling between the two rather than the actual relationship being the main focus. Like you said, when you start a family, when you get married, that's your family.

John [00:24:13]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:13]: Like, your main family unit. Like, and it is sad, you know, like, that your parents are not a part of your main family unit anymore, but they're still there. They're still part of your family unit, and you get to see them whenever you go to visit and things like that. But I mean, I've also seen, though, the strain of, like, hard relationships with, like, parents and in laws and, you know, spouses and couples. And, like, it is a hard thing. Like, I feel like it would be hard if, like, your family didn't like me or if my family didn't like you. And, yeah, I definitely am glad that our family get along so well with us and each other.

John [00:24:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:57]: And it's almost like one big happy family, you know, when we all get together. But, like, that's not a reality for some people, and it's sad that they don't have that.

John [00:25:09]: But. And that's a case where they have to make the right choices. They have to choose their spouse. And that's important because that caused a lot of.

Nicole [00:25:15]: Is the one happy thing that you can create. Like you can't really change your parents opinion or things like that. And especially with your parents, they tend to be stuck in their ways and thoughts a lot of the time and things like that. So yeah, you're right. It's just, just, it's, it's hard because I know everybody wants to have a family that all gets along and likes each other and. But some people just don't get to experience that.

John [00:25:44]: No, no. And, and I think what happens too a lot of times is that, you know, the, the mom has the attachment to the, to the son and the dad maybe doesn't let the daughter go and that and that. And so a lot of times what you'll see is a lot of women will treat their dad as the authority instead of their husband. And so they'll call up their dad all the time, oh, I need help with this thing, I need you to fix this thing. I need, you know, and the dad becomes the, you know, is like the husband. Sometimes he can just be like, oh well, she can have her dad take care of these things. And it's like, no, you need to step up and be the man, you know, and that needs to be the way that the relationship goes. And then also another thing that I encounter a lot of times in coaching guys is the dad's money, right? So a lot of times the woman might come from a family that has money and then the dad will like try to give the daughter a lot of money or buy the house for them or put the down payment on their house. And while those are sometimes nice gestures, the problem is that it emasculates the man. He should not accept those gifts. He should earn his own way, provide for his own family. Be gracious, that, oh, thank you for offering that. But don't let anyone get their hooks in you because you accept a gift from someone, especially a big one, they're going to have their hooks in you. And it also makes you lose respect as a man taking a big gift from a girl's father because then she looks at him as the provider. He's the one who bought the house, he's the one who paid for the car or whatever it is. Again, little gift or something like that, that's fine. But those big ones where especially when the father is a lot better off financially than the man. Very important to make sure you don't make the wrong choice there because I've seen a lot of guys do that and it ends up being a disastrous result because it's very Hard for the woman to respect the man when she knows that he took a handout from her father and her father is really the one really in charge.

Nicole [00:27:56]: That's true. I mean, I would. This is kind of like a little bit off topic, but I would say, like, would a man ever be concerned that he can't give a woman the lifestyle that she grew up with?

John [00:28:08]: Yeah. And he should be concerned about that. You know, to a degree that should be addressed. That should be something where either one of two things should happen is that he should be providing her that lifestyle, or he should know that she wants to be with him, she doesn't care about the lifestyle, and she understands that that's how it's going to be. Because if she's used to flying first class all the time and going on vacations to Europe, and he's a man of somewhat humble means, he's not making ridiculous money, like daddy's money, then she needs to understand that she's not gonna be able to take daddy's money anymore. You know what I'm saying? It's like. And if she's not okay with that, then that's not a good relation. Because a lot of times I think a woman can be like, oh, well, you know, I can. Well, dad will help us out. Dad will. Oh, dad will help us get to first class or, you know, like, to pay for the trip or the vacation we're doing, family vacation with it.

Nicole [00:29:07]: And it's like, no, love is blind. That one girl. I forget what her name is.

John [00:29:11]: Oh, yeah, no, yeah, that's what I. But I've seen it in real life happen many. And sometimes the father is well meaning, sometimes he's not. Sometimes he wants to show up the boyfriend or the husband and his control. Right. And keep the control of the situation. So, yeah, so it is definitely something to watch out for as a man. But, yeah, there's a lot of complications. I mean, we're lucky, though, because we haven't, you know, everything is just great with. With family.

Nicole [00:29:42]: And yeah, for us, I went to, like, Galentine's get together and I was talking to some of the girls and we were talking about how, like, sometimes siblings, too, can be kind of like.

John [00:29:53]: Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:29:55]: Protective of their siblings, like, no matter kind of who it is. We were mostly talking about how, like, sisters to girls who have, like, their boyfriend's sisters. So it's like, you know, girl on girl, kind of like intimidation.

John [00:30:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:13]: Which I've never felt. And I've never, like, with my brother's fiance about to be wife. I've never been like, so what are you doing with my brother? You know, like, trying to, like, intimidate her. But some, like, sisters get that way with, like, girls that they're meeting, and it's kind of like, that's also kind of, like, weird, in my opinion. Like, I feel like it's much better to just be open. And I get too. That maybe too. It's like she's trying to feel it out. She's trying to protect her brother. She's trying to, like, you know, not get too close too soon. But it's also, at the same time, it's like, you can just be nice or, you know, just have a conversation and make somebody feel comfortable from the very beginning. Like, even if it doesn't work out, like, what are you losing by treating somebody politely?

John [00:31:01]: Yeah. Because people have to make their own choices.

Nicole [00:31:03]: Right.

John [00:31:03]: You know, I mean, it's like, you can't be. And you don't want to be the one responsible for messing up someone's thing.

Nicole [00:31:10]: And that's the thing is that could happen. Like, there's plenty of people who are like, the family dynamics are just so much that they're like, I love you, but I can't do this. You know?

John [00:31:22]: And sometimes that's how these. These family issues start, is because you're just dating the person, and then maybe the brother or the sister or the father, whatever it is, doesn't like the person. And it's like, well, they're not gonna marry this person. And so they don't care how they're acting to that person. And then they do marry the person. And now that person remembers all this stuff, and it creates a difficult situation. So that's why it's better to just let people make their choices. And you know what I mean? You can give them some advice, but which kind of segues into the other thing I wanted to bring up about topic, which is don't poison the well. So a relationship is between two people, not three. So don't talk to your family and.

Nicole [00:32:06]: About every single little thing. Yeah, that's what I was saying earlier. It's like, I'm not saying don't talk to your family. Right. But don't tell me every single little thing. I mean, to be honest, our families probably learn more about what we go through in our relationship by watching this, but they also.

John [00:32:23]: But it's also a different context because it's both of us talking together, sharing it. Right. It's not me saying, do you know.

Nicole [00:32:30]: What Nicole did, John? Called me a butthead or whatever.

John [00:32:34]: I think we're not gonna. I think this is gonna be the end of it. This one, this time. You know, I mean, that's what happens with a lot of people. And you can really convince. When you're upset, you can really convince someone that your significant other is the devil.

Nicole [00:32:50]: Right.

John [00:32:51]: And.

Nicole [00:32:51]: And they.

John [00:32:52]: And you're okay, and you feel fine later, but they still remember what. What, you know, what you said that they did to you. Right.

Nicole [00:33:01]: Yeah. So, I mean, I would say to. To not even talk to friends.

John [00:33:04]: Yeah. No.

Nicole [00:33:05]: Well, it's just, again, like, they don't know the full picture. And like you said. And if you vent to your friends about something that the guy messed up, which, like, don't get me wrong, I vented to people.

John [00:33:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:17]: And especially when we were going through our stuff at the very beginning, I needed people to talk to, and I told them going on, and plenty of them were probably like, you know, maybe this isn't the best idea. But I knew it was best for me, and I kept going with that. And then here we are. But it. It's hard because even back then, like, they don't fully know the whole situation. They don't fully know how you feel. Like, they're a lot of times, like you said, still stuck on the, like, bad thing that you called them about to complain about.

John [00:33:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:33:47]: And even if you're like, oh, no, we're better now, they're like, they don't know all the ways that you guys repaired.

John [00:33:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:53]: They only know that you're saying, oh, we're better now.

John [00:33:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:56]: But they also know that you, like, called them a snake and whatever and, like, was like, I'll never marry this guy. And then now you're like, oh, we're engaged. And your friend's like, what? Like, you just said you would never marry him. And so, yeah, like, your friend means well. She's genuinely concerned because you came and told her this thing. But it's like. And let's be real, women can be dramatic.

John [00:34:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:18]: A lot of times, too, when we're upset. And so it seems like it's a big deal, and we might, you know, embellish it a little bit, and then things are better again. And then now your friend doesn't know. Is this good for you? Is this not good for you? Like, do I say something? Do I not say something?

John [00:34:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:34]: You know, you're putting both your friends and your family in a very weird situation by just venting all the stuff to them. And plus, at the End of the day, the absolute best person to talk to about problems is your partner.

John [00:34:47]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:34:48]: That's the only way things are gonna get fixed. You could talk to your blue in the face, to your mom, to your best friend, to your sister, but they. They can't fix the relationship for you. They can only listen to you. And it might feel like that is good, but really, you should be want. You should want your partner to listen to you, and then you guys can fix it. So if you're looking for someone to listen to you, and even if you feel like your partner might not be able to do that, I would recommend a therapist or a journal until you get to that point where you can talk to your partner about it. But definitely no family friends, because like you said, it will poison the well and put them in a weird situation. And they're like, I don't know what to do.

John [00:35:32]: Yeah. And you can talk. I mean, you can talk to them about stuff that you're struggling with yourself, but not about the other person. If you're like, I'm having trouble with my insecurity or I'm having trouble with my anger or whatever, that's fine. You can talk about that.

Nicole [00:35:47]: That's a good point.

John [00:35:49]: Problems that you're actually dealing with that you're yourself, that's totally fine, because sometimes you do need some support or some advice on those things, and that's great, but it should never be, my partner's doing this, or they're. They're such a jerk or they. They did this thing or. Because then it just. And then it also becomes an echo chamber, too. You, like, it's like, you know, you might be even wrong, you know, about what you're thinking, and then this person is telling you, reinforcing it because they're trying to be a good friend or. Or they're trying to be protective of you. And then all of a sudden, like this, you, you, you, you, you. Your well is poisoned and you start to think bad about your. Your partner, you know, or you get suspicious or, you know, all kinds of stuff can. Can snowball from that.

Nicole [00:36:33]: Very true.

John [00:36:34]: Yeah. Well, what other family or friend things we have? I'm trying to think what other issues come up. What. What have you seen come up that.

Nicole [00:36:46]: I don't know? I mean, I feel like we've hit on a lot of. It's a lot of like the guy in the mama's boy thing. And, you know, the moms can go to really long extents to make a woman feel like she doesn't belong or she doesn't want her there and things like that. But also at the same time with like the daughter and father sort of relationship too, where it would put a guy in a tough situation with, you know, the money thing and him paying for things and he has to be the man of the relationship. And it's just you guys in the relationship. I don't know, I feel like we've hit a lot of them. I mean, it's very important with the, you know, not talking about the things and, you know, trying. It is. I do feel like people should try to all get along, like. Yeah, it should.

John [00:37:39]: It should.

Nicole [00:37:39]: Yeah, it should. Even if you're meeting some resistance one way or the other, like you should still try, right. To all get on the same page. And sometimes that might mean like the actual child of the set of parents talks to the parents separately. Because there was a time when you and I were going through some things, you know, and my parents had to know about some of the things. But at one point I had to be like, look, like, I want to be with John. I understand all these things have happened. I value your guys opinion, but this is what's gonna happen. And like that's what it is. It's kind of like a boundary sort of thing, you know?

John [00:38:21]: For sure. Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:21]: And they didn't have any problem with that, you know what I mean? But I had to, I had to do that because they had known so much back and forth that I didn't want them to be confused. So I almost had to set the record straight. And I feel like the guy in that situation with the mama's boy and the girl, in the situation with the father and the daughter, it's their responsibility to go to both of those parents or either of those parents or whatnot and be like, hey, like this is the person that I want to be with, especially the mom and the son.

John [00:38:54]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:54]: Because the dad, I feel like is a little bit easier, you know, like to kind of just not accept anything from dad. They're not normally like saying mean things and trying to attack emotionally.

John [00:39:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:39:07]: But the moms can be pretty mean and the guy needs to be like, look, I love this woman.

John [00:39:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:15]: This is the type of woman she is. I love her. She's gonna eventually be the mother of my children or she already is. And you need to respect that.

John [00:39:23]: Yep. Yeah. It doesn't matter what you think, you gotta respect it. And, and I think also it goes on the other side of it too. Like don't be the person that Causes conflict with your spouse's parents. Like, even if you don't like them, tolerate them. Because to a degree, I mean, obviously, if they're totally disrespectful to you, then you can leave. But don't get into it with them ever. There's no need. Because the thing is, as a guy, a woman's parents are always going to be her parents. It's never going to not be the case. And so even if her parents are not very nice people you feel like, or they don't like you or something, you've got to be the bigger man and step up and still be kind. And like I said, don't be disrespected to your face. Obviously you can get out of there, but don't increase the hostility. You gotta realize that at some point you're never going to take a person and turn them against their parents. Totally. You know what I'm saying? It's like they're still gonna love their parents. So even if their parents are wrong again, you should always side with your spouse. But you do have to recognize that dynamic, that it's like people are not gonna hate their brothers or their sisters or their, their parents. And they might even talk about their parents. That's another thing that happens is, is, you know, if your spouse talks about their, their parents, you listen, you support, but you don't pile on. They can talk about their parents. You can't talk about their parents or any family member, really. That's how it is. You let hear them out, let them talk the. About it, it's fine. But you don't say anything because it's. What's so funny is a lot of times this will happen, the situation where they'll be talking shit about some family member and then you say something and now they're going to be defensive.

Nicole [00:41:04]: Yeah.

John [00:41:04]: And they're going to get upset at you, even though they were just bashing this person. So that's also, I think, a big, you know, a big misstep that people make. So.

Nicole [00:41:14]: That's true.

John [00:41:15]: Yeah. And then the only other one I was, I was going to. I was thinking of is proximity, which kind of is related to like, how involved should your parents be in your life. Right. So, you know, my, my opinion is, I mean, I think it is good if you can, to live close to family, but not too close. Right. Like an hour drive is good, half an hour is pushing it. Car off the street is. Now you're like, yeah. Now you're like, everybody loves Raymond. You know, Mom Coming over every single day. Right.

Nicole [00:41:47]: And then so that's what I grew up with. Like it was literally like my house. I grew up in my great grandparents house. My grandparents house.

John [00:41:54]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:55]: And like so it was kind of nice because I could just literally drive my little like four wheeler over to grandma's house. But yeah, I get what you mean though. And then like my grandparents never like popped in or anything. Thank goodness.

John [00:42:08]: But you know, it becomes tough because you have to really like separate and live your own life, you know, together and, and start your own family. And sometimes the influence can be too strong especially.

Nicole [00:42:18]: But it is helpful when you have children. Like, you know, you have someone to watch the children and it's their family member, you know, like, and also like I grew up obviously with like a big close family. So like I hung out with my cousins a lot and that was like, it was really nice like to feel like I had a big community of people.

John [00:42:40]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:41]: So I do, I do like that. I mean again, I also like went and did my own thing. So I agree with like an hour away is good because you can still all get together.

John [00:42:52]: Even half an hour I can, I can handle. I think it's is okay. You know what I mean? But you just don't want to be like, right. Immediate. And the biggest reason too is just because it's too likely that there'll be interference. It's too likely there'll be interference. You know, it's like even like you said, like it's good to have family to help out with the kids and stuff like that. But if the mom is coming over and constantly watching the kids all the time, or you're constantly dropping off the kids at the like using the, the parents daycare one, you're, you're abusing that relationship.

Nicole [00:43:25]: Right?

John [00:43:26]: Right. That's not right.

Nicole [00:43:27]: Yeah. Unless like your parent actually says they don't mind that. But for the most part like even they do mind.

John [00:43:34]: Even still you don't want the grandparents raising the children either. Like you. Because you need to have your rules, your house. Right. Grandparents are going to be a little more lenient with the, you know, they're going to spoil the kids. So you can't have that happening all the time. Like you have to be like, even if you have to pay for childcare, it's better to pay for some childcare. Yeah, maybe, you know, grandma and grandpa can watch every, every once in a while or so, you know, you go on date and stuff like that, but not on a regular every single day basis because it's not good because then.

Nicole [00:44:03]: It'S not going to be really when they, when it starts to blur the lines. Right. Between like your relationship unit and then like the entire family unit.

John [00:44:14]: Yes, exactly. So, yeah, every. Everybody Loves Raymond. You see, you've seen that show, right?

Nicole [00:44:21]: It's been a long time.

John [00:44:22]: Yeah. But I mean that's like kind of the classic in laws example. But it doesn't, you know, it doesn't have to be bad, but it, it's. But a lot of people do have end up having. I'm. I'm amazed by how many people that I coach that have hostility with in laws. It's, it's.

Nicole [00:44:41]: I think it's a boundary thing too. Even the like living close together and things that needs to be boundaries. Like just for all of it too, you know, like the hostility, like there needs to be boundaries. Like you said, like you're not gonna tolerate disrespect to your wife or, you know, then you'll leave. That's a boundary. Like. But I think too like our parents generation, they didn't really know what boundaries are.

John [00:45:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:07]: No way. Like they had to learn those things. And even sometimes it's hard for them to learn those things now. But there wasn't as many, you know, sort of boundaries around the entire whole extended family unit and then a singular family unit. You know what I mean? Like, it should be a singular family unit and all these little units just within this bigger circle, but they're still units and you still can't. Like it's not just one big ginormous circle.

John [00:45:35]: Yeah. And in fact, we should recommend that book, the book Boundaries by.

Nicole [00:45:43]: Don't Look.

John [00:45:43]: At Me, Henry Townsend. I think there's two authors to it, but it's a highly religious book. So if you're not religious, you can obviously ignore that part of it. But it is primarily dealing with boundaries involving parents. Because, you know, as you grow up, especially as a man, you have to set boundaries. You can't be allowing your parents to guilt you to control your lives because a lot of times that is what happens. And you've got to be able to settle. And that's something that I had to struggle with in my life early on, is setting boundaries. Also, it's very hard for a woman to respect you as a man when she sees your parents disrespecting you and treating you and you're cowering down to that. You're so scared to disappoint them that you're not becoming your own man.

Nicole [00:46:39]: That's true.

John [00:46:40]: Yeah. Men have to metaphorically kill their father is what I say. Basically, the idea is that you have to stop adopting your father's value system, and you have to put your own crown on and sit on your own throne and be your own man and stop seeking his approval all the time. Right. And so it's like, in your head, it's like you're now the father. You're the one. And so a lot of guys grow up, and they never do that, and they're still seeking their father's approval, and so that hurts them in their relationships.

Nicole [00:47:16]: True.

John [00:47:17]: All right. I guess that's all we got for today. We got.

Nicole [00:47:21]: We don't have any tidbits for the end because we gave away all of our tidbits because John told you. We just recorded one before this.

John [00:47:30]: We recorded one before this. So, yeah, you know the intel, but, you know, this is a great time to talk about how we're on itunes and we don't have any reviews that have words.

Nicole [00:47:46]: Yeah. Leave us some words.

John [00:47:47]: Yeah, like, some words, some stories, some.

Nicole [00:47:49]: Of the things that you like.

John [00:47:51]: Yeah. Give us a nice review.

Nicole [00:47:53]: Especially because some haters were trying to.

John [00:47:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:55]: Trying to tear us down.

John [00:47:57]: Yeah, Give us one.

Nicole [00:47:58]: We will prevail.

John [00:47:59]: But. Yeah, yeah, come. Come out. We'd appreciate it if you give us. In fact, I'll tell you what. If you leave a review on itunes and we remember to look at it, which we will, then we'll read it.

Nicole [00:48:14]: I thought you were gonna say, like, we'll send you something like, hey, can you leave it. We'll actually read it.

John [00:48:22]: Yeah, Yeah, I think. No, we'll read it on the.

Nicole [00:48:25]: I'll send you a chamoy pickle kit.

John [00:48:27]: We'll read it on the air. Not just read it.

Nicole [00:48:31]: You need to be more.

John [00:48:32]: Yeah, we'll read it on air.

Nicole [00:48:34]: Specify. Because you're just like, we will read it.

John [00:48:36]: Yeah, we'll.

Nicole [00:48:36]: We'll actually read it. Our people won't read it. We'll read it ourselves. Like, okay, we'll read it on the air is what he meant.

John [00:48:45]: Yeah. So go. Go to itunes and give us a review or wherever you want to give us a review. But itunes is good, so. All right, see you next time.

Nicole [00:48:56]: Through every fault, we find our way.