John: Girls' night out, guys' night out, there's nothing wrong with that. But when you're in a committed relationship that you're truly happy to be in, do you even want to do that? I'm not saying that you can't still hang out with your friends. I'm going tomorrow to a painting class with my friends. Have a nude model though?

Nicole: No, okay, all right, just kidding. You just got to watch out for the bottomless mimosa. Beyond, we discover through our flaws we complete each other better than perfect. We stand through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome to the Better Than Perfect podcast again, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other become better equals one better than perfect relationship. You like how I did that?

John: Yeah, I memorized it this time. You only had to say it about 10 times, but you did good because I would have definitely messed it up. So we'll see what happens next time. I think it's in my head now, so I think so. You're pretty good at that kind of stuff.

Nicole: All right, well, I guess we should talk about what the topic is today. And John's picking the topic. So we decided on the way over here that we'll kind of flip-flop between who's going to pick the topic for the week. So this week is John's choice.

John: Yeah, but you, Nicole, will pick the relationship thing that we'll talk about.

Nicole: So that could be dangerous. So okay, so the topic for this week is inspired by some conversations I had in a video that I had done about this topic because I think this is a really important one, especially for men, which is what are the rules or guidelines, you know, you could say boundaries, that you should set in a relationship. And the way that I talked about it was that a man should, because I think a man should be leading the relationship. But I mean, it still applies, you know, just in general, like what are the boundaries that we should have in a relationship to make it successful?

Nicole: I think boundaries is a good, a better term than rules because people are going to do their own thing, but everyone should have boundaries regardless of what your relationship looks like. It's like very, regardless of what your relationship looks like, you should have boundaries.

John: So yeah, I think that's a better word than rules. And I guess that it makes sense too. Because then if it's boundaries, then one person could have different boundaries than the other one. I mean, it's probably ideal if you settle on these things that we'll talk about. So yeah, so I suppose I can. So which one are you going to start with, which boundary?

Nicole: I could give you my list.

John: Oh, you want to do a whole list, and then we could talk about each one, or you could say which ones that you agree or disagree, or maybe you have some already. I mean, we've kind of already talked a little bit about the subject, so yeah, you already probably know what I'm going to say.

Nicole: I do. So that's why, like, you want to like, so maybe it's best if I just go through the list. Because if I said, hey, which ones do you think, then you know, you would be cherry-picking the ones. I mean, you wouldn't be coming up with something original because we've already talked about it. So okay, so my list is basically this. Number one, no friends of the opposite sex, right? And I mean like friends you hang out with, do stuff with, talk to on a regular basis in a committed relationship. Committed, okay, these are the boundaries for a committed relationship. Number two is no talking to exes, period, unless you have a kid with them, and you have to communicate for that reason. All right, and then number three is, if I can remember them all, but I'm sure I'll get them all, is you, oh, locations, you have your locations on at all times, right? I know your location, you know my location.

Nicole: Number four is email and phone access, like the password to you and the email. I think is optional is what I would say, like depending on, I mean, you might not want to share your financial information with someone that you just became your girlfriend or boyfriend. That's, you know, email. And I mean, sometimes you have surprises, like if you ordered something, someone has your email, then they might see it and be like, Merry Christmas, you just ruined the surprise, right? But they should have some way to get into it, or I mean, at least your phone password, they should have access to your phone at all times. Not okay, not that they have to check it all the time, but, uh, and then, oh, if someone of the opposite sex sends a message, you don't have to ask about it, it's shown, it's automatic. The boundary is you must show the message if someone has messaged you, right? Aside from something that's obvious like a totally work-related thing. But if it's a coworker outside of work hour, something like that on a text message, then yes.

John: And then the last one is no girls' nights out, no guys' nights out, none of this guys' strip, girls' trips. Yeah, basically anything in that category of going out and drinking with single people, or, you know, without your partner in a group of people. I suppose in any case, that's just the boundary. So right, those are those are my, what are your thoughts on those?

Nicole: Yeah, you just throw all this at me, like, what are your thoughts? Like, break them down one by one if you want to. I mean, I think we should. I mean, I think those are pretty reasonable. Like, I can't think of any boundaries that you mentioned or that you didn't mention that I would want to add. But if after we talk about this, I have something, then I will. But I do want to talk about all of it.

John: Yeah, because let's talk about why.

Nicole: Well, let's actually go way back, okay, before we even were together. If I had heard a man say that, I would have been like no, right? Like, I would have been like, what the heck, right?

John: Right, like controlling, insecure.

Nicole: Well, just like lack of trust. That's a lot of like, it does seem kind of like rules, right, when you put it that way, right? But I think that what people don't understand when you're on the outside of this is how these things are just natural boundaries that you have, right, when you're with somebody that you fully trust, and you realize that it's actually not a control thing, it's a full-blown trust in this person thing, right? And so I think like people just, they can't even fathom trusting somebody to that extent, and I was one of those people. Like, I had never met a man that I would be like, let my masculine side down for because I'd be like, oh, he's got my back. Like, I never had met a guy like that, so I didn't really fully trust any men to this extent, right? And I mean, I had guy friends, they're still like acquaintances, sure, you know, when they're in town with their friends, or I mean, their girlfriends, or things like that, like we've met up with some of them before. So like, what you're also not saying is that like if you have friends of the opposite sex that are also a couple or things like that, that you can't go out as a couple, and that's.

Nicole: How it really should be once you are a couple is that if you are in a relationship where you do want to spend a lot of time with your partner, then you'll want to go out as a couple instead of doing your own thing. I mean, you should be doing your own thing in your day-to-day life, like going to your own hobbies, workouts, running your own errands, whatever you want to do. We have that, so it's not like we don't have any separation. But at the same time, there's no point where I'm out somewhere or would go out with my friends and be like, "I'm glad Jon's not here." If anything, it's the opposite. It's like, "I wish John was here because look at that guy over there; he looks like this one movie character we saw one time." So, the whole friends of the opposite sex thing, I think it's also something we might need to save as a whole separate episode because you feel like you can have friends of the opposite sex because you don't have romantic ties. However, you don't know what your guy friend is really plotting behind your back, so that is also a whole another can of worms.

John: Oh yeah, but so, I do agree with that. And it's not to say that like the guy friends that I had when I was single or whatever, I was just like, "Screw you guys, talk to you never." But at the same time, it's also a respect thing. I wouldn't want you to be texting your girlfriend that you also used to have a friend that was a girl who you would talk to about things. So, that's not to say that you haven't also had a girlfriend, right? So, you understand, and I've had guy friends, so I understand. And the real danger point for both men and women having friends of the opposite sex, especially really close friends, is when you start confiding in those friends about your relationship. I mean, you really shouldn't even do that with your own family because you could poison the well there too. But especially with friends of the opposite sex where you start talking about your relationship, it also puts your opposite-sex friend in a very hard place because they're either going to support you, which you feel like you want them to do and be like, "Yeah, he sucks," right? Or they're going to be like, "You know, uh, maybe you should leave him," or something. You know what I mean? It's not a good scenario either way.

Nicole: So, you know, I do understand where that boundary is, and it's not like a controlling, mean thing. It's not like, "Screw you, I never want to see you ever again." It's just demoting them to acquaintances, is what I call it. Right? Because it's not like you just ditch people completely. It's just that when I say friend, I know social media has loosened the definition of friend, but a friend is someone that you talk with on a regular basis, that you hang out with, that you share personal details of your life with. A friend is not someone that says happy birthday and you say thank you. That's not a friend, right? I mean, sure, some of the people that used to be friends, and this is where things get confusing, are now people that you had a good deep relationship, friendship with them, but you just don't have anymore because a friendship requires maintenance. And so now they're acquaintances, which is fine. Which again, that's the issue. It's just when you're spending time with people, confiding in them.

John: Right, so as a man, it would be inappropriate for me, being in a relationship with you, to have a girl that I'm texting on a regular basis as a friend, or that I go and hang out with, watch a movie, go to dinner. These things, they sound so ridiculous, but so many people do those things, and they think it's okay. And they're like, "Oh well, I trust my partner." And believe me, guys can't be trusted. First, I mean, they really can't because I talk, I coach guys all the time, and I'll tell you, and I just asked one of them the other day who's a really good outstanding guy, I was like, "Look, if you went out with this girl that you were attracted to, that is quote a friend of yours now, and you're alone with her, and you guys had a couple of drinks, and she started hitting on you hard, and you knew that she was just ready to sleep with you, and she was making it very, very clear, I'm not saying you would do it, but would there be some kind of temptation there?" And he was like, "Yeah, honestly, yes. There would be temptation." And I was like, "It doesn't take a lot to tempt a guy." At the same time, the thing is to not put yourself in compromising situations where you know, "Hey, how well then, how, if anything, is a temptation?" You have to ask, "Well, how many drinks does it take before, or how bad of a fight do you have to have with your partner before, plus how many drinks, you know, before you give into a temptation?" So, it's better to just avoid that 100% completely, and that's kind of the idea behind it. Plus, the other side of guys is, you know, is that almost always, right, in that situation, let's say that you're friends with a guy, all right, and he's just friends or whatever it is, if you say, "Hey, you know, let's go have sex," he's probably going to say yes. He's probably going to say yes, even if he wasn't planning on it, even if that wasn't his plan. Like, he's probably going to say yes because that's, I mean, we know what guys, right? We know what guys. So, that but most of the time, what is an innocent friendship, and it might even be subconscious, a lot of guys will make friends with a woman who's attractive, and they won't even at a conscious level know that what they're doing is they're being around her because they think they just want to get in the door any way that they can. And so sometimes they want to go the friend way. So, it makes sense. But in order to make it to some of the other points, um, I'm trying to think of what the second one was. The second one, oh actually, hold on before we get to the second one, there is one more thing because I was going to say before we got into any of the points, which is this is that my take on this too, because you were saying about like as a woman, you wouldn't have trusted a man, is that these are the points at which this conversation should occur is when the woman asks for commitment from a man, right? And I'm not trying to be sexist by saying that the woman asks for commitment, but the reality is, like if we're just honest, men primarily want sex, women primarily want commitment. Not to say that neither doesn't want what the other wants, but I'm just saying like the primary motive when a guy.

John: When a guy goes out on a date, he thinks, "I hope I get laid tonight." When a girl goes out on a date, she doesn't think, "I hope I get laid tonight," because she knows she could if she wants to. She says, "I hope this guy is a good enough guy that I don't have to get on a damn dating app ever again, and I can be done with this whole dating process." Well, and looking or asking for commitment can look different because I think a lot of girls ask, "What are we?" You know, like, and that you would say is asking for commitment.

Nicole: I would say, but how I asked you for commitment was not asking. So, ladies, you don't always have to ask like, "What are we?" You can be like, "Hey, you just literally told me you loved me, and so if you're saying that, then that means you want to be with me romantically. You're not just going to run out. One more guy, one more boundary, don't call me bro."

John: That was back then. I know, I know. But that one, guys should put in place too. But where I was getting at was this is that, and because that initiates the conversation. So, wherever it becomes a point that the woman wants commitment, right, however that's initiated. And again, guys should not be chasing commitment from women. It just doesn't come. They might want to find a long-term partner, but they should let the woman do the chasing of the commitment. The man has to woo the woman; the woman has to ask for the commitment. That's kind of how it should go, right? You know, we're not the politically correct podcast, but it's fine because we're trying to deliver the real truth, even if people don't like us for it. And I think that's good because we don't have, we're not even religious. Like we're talking about in the car, it's like, this is just, it's mistakes and a lot of wisdom. So, at that point, that's where this should happen, and the guy should be the one saying this because he's got the negotiating power at that point, right? The woman is the guardian of sex. The man is the guardian of commitment, typically.

Nicole: Right, so you know, if sex is going to happen, it's because the woman is allowing it to happen. It's not right if commitment is going to happen, it's because the guy is allowing it to happen, right? And so, at that point, which again, at the point that the woman has sex with a guy, she should have some standards. Well, I mean, we talk about a different, there's so many, this is a different, we're totally gone from the friend thing now. I'm just trying to build up to the, okay, so I'll skip that part. But when the man is going to give a woman commitment, that's when he has the most power to implement these boundaries for the best of both of them, not because he's afraid, and he's trying to, excuse me, he's trying to like, you know, monopolize her sexuality or she's, you know, not, that's not the idea of it. The idea of it is that these are boundaries. The man should be leading the relationship anyway, and so as the man who is the leader of the relationship, he should be leading in the right direction. And that's why he should be saying, for both of our safety, for our protection, and for protecting the relationship, these are the boundaries that are, or these are standards I have for myself in entering a relationship with women, and these are the ones that I want us to agree to and talk about right now.

John: Right, and a woman should have the exact same ones. Like talking about, and it's a red flag. I've told guys this multiple times, if a woman hears those and she doesn't want them, because a woman should want them more for the exact reason that you explained. Because if you are pushing to hang out with a woman, you have ulterior motives to want to bang that woman, and that's why it's a red flag. Because when the woman hears that, she should be the one pushing for it. She should be like, "Really? You want to do all these things and share our locations and phone passwords?" She should be like, "That's awesome. I love that." If she's not reacting that way, it tells you one of two things: one, it's either a red flag, or it's not the relationship for you, that she doesn't have enough trust in you as a man, you know, that she's being prematurely asking for commitment because she's not ready to really commit to you, right? So, it's not as serious.

Nicole: Okay, so now the second one was this one will be easy, no talking to exes, except for, okay, yeah, that's just like, you don't, again, you don't have to hate your ex, right?

John: Right, but what's the point? Like, if you still want to be in communication with a person that you had a romantic relationship with, it makes me feel like you're trying to keep a spark of that there, or like, you know, have it as another out or something like that. Like obviously, like you said, if you are co-parenting, that's way different. You have to be in communication with your ex or the parent of your children, even if you're not married or whatever. But, um, it's just, you don't have to hate them. It's kind of like the friend thing. You don't have to be like, "F you, friends," like guy friends, but like, you can still respect them and care about them in a different way without having them involved in your life. Like, it's just going to hold your relationship that you're in now back if you're now introducing or keeping around the past in your present. Does that make sense? Plus, romantic relationship equals friendship plus sexual desire. That's so, that's true. If you've got someone that you had sexual desire for, I mean, there's no reason to think you don't now, and now you have friendship with them, why aren't you actually in a relationship with them? You see what I'm saying? Like, if you could have been friends, the reason why is because you're volatile, because it's a toxic relationship, because it's not the one for, but that's even the worst to keep around because you'll forget the bad, and then you'll be like, "But it was good, you know, those few times." Yeah, and then you might want to go back, and then a lot of people who do go back to the toxic relationships are like, "Oh, I forgot all about the crap." But the whole point is, you're right, like, this is a pretty simple one. It's like, you don't have to hate them, you don't have to talk shit about them, but you do have to let that part of your life go. Like, you have to let a lot of your past go in life, and that's the same with relationships. Like, it doesn't have to be any ill will, but you have to let it be the past, and you can't bring it to your present, or it will, it'll just be messy. And a lot of times, women, I think it's more so that they want to communicate with the exes because they're like, "Well, we're friends now," because they want to be, you know, they friendzone guys, or like, "Now we can be friends, and I don't want to ruin our friendship," type of situation. But however, the thing that I, that the way I like to flip it is, women might be fine with it, thinking, "Okay, well, I can talk to my ex, and you."

John: Could talk to your ex, but if the man's ex was a swimsuit model or, like, all of a sudden, I don't think she would be fine with it. And so it's the same thing. It's like, you know, it just doesn't matter, to be honest. Even if she's not a swimsuit model, it's not respectful, no matter what. I'm just saying that sometimes women that are resistant to this can see it when they think of that. Well, they just like women in general. When they're done, they're pretty much done, whereas men might make a rash decision and then a week later be like, "Oh, I messed up," and then try to get that thing back. Whereas, like, when women are done, they're pretty much done. I'm not saying that that's the case all the time, but I think that's why women probably think, "Oh, I can be this person's friend because my feelings have totally shut down." But that doesn't mean the other person's has, but it also doesn't mean that they can't be reignited too.

Nicole: True. I don't know how many times, again, like I said, I've been coaching guys for 10 years, and oh my God, how many stories of, "Oh, she just hung out with her ex, and then, you know, we were having a fight, and then she stayed the night over there." Boom. Well, the whole thing with the ex thing too is that it's comfortable, and people like comfort. And again, another topic for another day. So let's move on to number three because we'll run out of time. Number three was the, was it locations, locations, locations? Okay, this is just dumb to me that people don't just do it because, as a woman, right, if you're going on a first date, you're sending your mom, your immediate best friends, your location, this guy's name, his phone number, in case you get abducted and murdered. So like, the fact that you don't want to give your partner, the person you're in a relationship with, like a committed relationship, 'cause you said you would bring up these boundaries once it's official, right? Your location, like, it's because it's coming from, rather than a place of like, "Oh, well, if I give him my location, if I'm in trouble, you know, he'll know where I am," or if I'm like, you know, running behind, he can see I'm still at the grocery store, and that's why I'm late for dinner or something like that. Like, that's how people who look at this, like, why would you not do it? But it's the people who are like, again, kind of like trying to view it through like a controlling lens of like, "Oh, well, why does he need to see everywhere that I am? Why would, why are you hiding it? Like, why are you afraid that he sees you at Michael's? Is he going to yell at you for buying more craft supplies?" Like, that's also a problem. It depends on what Michaels it is.

John: Oh my gosh, the craft stores. You know, Michael's crafty too. But what I'm saying is like, it just doesn't, that part, that doesn't make sense to me. I mean, this is coming from somebody who, my own mother was like, "Why do you need my location?" And I'm like, you know, she used to go get turned up when I lived in Florida, and I needed to know where she is for her safety, not 'cause I'm like, "Mom." Like, "You don't live in Florida. I need to know where you are in case I need to come get you."

Nicole: Yeah, but so that's the thing, is like, I just view it as that. That's how I've always used it with my friends, how I've tried to use it with my mom, but she refuses. And so why wouldn't I want the one person who's supposed to be like there to come help me out if I'm in trouble to not know where I am? Yeah, it's a practice, and again, a lot of these rules or boundaries are for both parties' protection, right? Because, look, I use it for you when you go running, right?

John: And I do use it. Well, besides the practical, right, I think also it's one, it's just being transparent, which all of these things are being transparent, right? It's like, and being transparent means, hey, I have nothing to hide all the time. And you can't have intimacy. I'm going to stress this. I'm going to look in the camera right now. You cannot have intimacy without honesty. And what is honesty, essentially? Transparency. There we go.

Nicole: Yeah, I like the connection. So, and then the other thing about this is that it's also for your own protection. When I say you, I mean the person who's turning their location on because, look, hey, people are humans. Sometimes they make, most of the things that happen come from mistakes, right? You know, so if you know that, you know, guys, you know, if you know that your location is on and being broadcast, then what's going to happen? You know, if you did think, "I'll just go over to the bar." Oh hell no, you're not going to do it 'cause you know, right? And so it is, it is for your own protection, to protect yourself from doing something you don't want to do.

Nicole: Right, right. Because you're creating, um, you're making on yourself. Well, and so there's no excuse. Like, guys can have some self-control.

John: Yeah, yeah. No, I understand where you're coming from, that they're more inclined to do something like that. Like, women are not going to be like, "Oh, I'm going to go to the Magic Mike strip club tonight," because there's not, I mean, he comes into town every once in a while, I'm sure it puts on a show. But again, that's a whole another conversation. But what I'm saying is like, that isn't as readily available for women. It's not really what they want, but it's other things. It is a temptation for guys, and so what you're saying is that it does lessen that because you don't want to go and do those types of things or hurt your partner.

Nicole: Exactly. They can see what you're doing. So, and this is why it's a protection for the relationship. And this is why, like I said, a guy that's leading the relationship, which he should be, should be implementing things to protect the relationship for, whether sometimes the women might not agree with it because she might not understand, but she should have enough trust to say, "Well, if my man, who I trust, is saying this and is putting these boundaries in place, I'm going to follow them," even if I don't necessarily agree with them. I know this is, people are choking right now, but it's, it's fun. But that, it's not about ego. It's about, do you actually trust this person, and do you want a man to lead you? Like, you know what I mean? If you don't, that's fun. But I, I think that things work much better in a relationship in that way.

Nicole: Well, and see, the issue really would be with these types of boundaries is if a man puts this out there, but he isn't going to uphold the same boundaries, like, and do the same things and treat you with the same respect. Because I know men value respect, but so do women, right? And it needs to be on the level. That's why it's like, you be like, "You can't have guy, but I'm going to go out with my friend to a movie 'cause she wants to watch it, and we."

John: We've been friends since we were 12. That's not acceptable when it doesn't go both ways. It's about voluntarily agreeing to these things. It should be a standard. As a man, I would tell another man, look, if a woman won't voluntarily agree to these things, do not get into a committed relationship with her because that's a problem. It's a problem because you're not on the same page, and the relationship's not going to work out. Ultimately, at the end of the day, don't get in a committed relationship with someone you're not compatible with. If they don't want to have a relationship like this, then that's their choice.

Nicole: Okay, but I'll push back slightly on that though because sometimes you might not be on the same page. What point is leadership if you're always on the same page? Then you don't really need a leader. You need a leader for when you're not on the same page. What I'm saying is, okay, if she's not going to follow your lead anyway, when is she going to follow your lead?

John: No, that's true. That's true. So let her go, and you'll find somebody that does want to follow your lead.

Nicole: Right. So, you're saying by on the same page, you're not saying that she necessarily agrees 100% with everything, but she's willing to do the things?

John: No, I think if you explain it the way that we're explaining it, she should. If she respects you and values you and trusts you, she'll do it. I agree, in this case, she should.

Nicole: I think there are going to be some circumstances in relationships where the woman might not necessarily agree with what the guy's decision is, but then that's the point of leadership. Someone has to make decisions. We'll have to do a whole thing on leadership too. There are so many topics. Okay, what was the fourth one? How many did you have?

John: Five. There are like six basic ones. The fourth one was sharing phone passwords. We could say email. I mean, if you're married, you should share your email and all of this stuff. Sharing, you're becoming one. It's shocking to me that a majority of people, actually a majority, don't share their email accounts, don't have access to each other's bank accounts or any of their personal information, or their phones.

Nicole: It just sounds more like a roommate situation. But let's talk about phone passwords. This goes back to transparency. If you're doing things you're not supposed to be doing, you're worried about this stuff. If you're not and you're really happy in your relationship and you trust the person and you respect them, you could go through my phone right now, the whole thing, and I have no problem. And I could go through your phone. I guess I just don't get it because also people are like, "privacy," but what is private? Like you mentioned, if someone's going through your phone every day, they don't trust you. But you should have the option, and it should be open because it's just about being open. It's about giving them this to be totally transparent with your partner, not to be like, "Hey, give me your password." It should be more of like, "Here's my phone password, here's my email." You might need to answer a text message for me while I'm driving or check my email so you can handle that thing for me, so I don't have to do it.

John: Or even if you felt like, "Oh, I feel like they're up to something. Let me check." I mean, you shouldn't, but people are human, and you might feel like that. Then you're like, "Okay, well, I can go and look." I've done that with John.

Nicole: Yeah, I have had that moment. But it's not like he didn't give me his email, and I'd be like, "Right." It was at a point in our relationship where I was feeling anxious about something, and so I tried to figure things out for myself. I want to be open and transparent with the people who are watching this because it's like, I'm not telling you all this because I didn't make mistakes or I haven't done the things. This is why we're here. But it's also like, that didn't cause us... You weren't like, "Now I'm not going to let you in my email anymore." In fact, it's like, "Okay." I mean, you could. If you said, "I just want to check your email," I wouldn't even be offended one bit because if you feel that for some reason, I want to comfort you. I want you to not have to think. It'd be likewise. If someone is having a problem, even if it's their own problem, even if they have some insecurity from themselves and it has nothing to do with your behavior, wouldn't you want to comfort your partner? Be like, "Hey, look, look through my phone. I know this is embarrassing for you that you feel like you want to look through my phone, so let me make it as easy as possible. I'm not offended. Look through my phone." I know that sounds weird to say, but that's the way it is if you care about someone. And again, this same thing comes down to the protection of yourself as well because if you know your partner has your phone password, are you going to be looking up porn sites on your phone? Are you going to be doing these things that you're not supposed to be doing on your phone, messaging people you're not supposed to be messaging? You're not. Even if they're not looking at your phone, you know that they could. I mean, I think even if you're thinking about that stuff, that's like danger zone. But you can't know for sure. But what I'm saying is that, you know, I don't... Again, it's to me, it's like all the other stuff. It's transparency, it's openness, it's being honest. Because that's again, you can't have a close connection, you can't have the relationship you want without that. It's very important. And even again, I'll say that a lot. I violated all of these things, not in this relationship, but, and I did some things that I'm not proud of that I shouldn't have done. I mean, we can go into detail in some of the other future episodes, but just to be fully transparent here, is that these things would have protected me from the bad things I did, which again, I still should have gotten out of that relationship, but the way that I did it was not right. We both know that, and we've had plenty of discussions about that, which again, you know, stay tuned for a future episode or to get the full YouTube channel, you can watch my YouTube.

John: Channel but I just don't want to get into it now without context because it's a lot. Anyway, those things would have protected me from making bad choices.

Nicole: Well, boundaries would have protected you.

John: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Alright, what's the next one?

Nicole: Okay, next one is, we said passwords, location, oh, this one is pretty simple. It's kind of very similar to the other ones, which is if a person of the opposite sex texts you, right? And it's not completely business-related, right? You know, or emails would apply too, then you just voluntarily show the other person. They don't have to ask you, you show like that's what it is. Like, okay, you already know this because I literally had my ex-boyfriend from when I was 16 text me like a few months ago, like love letters that he had kept, yeah, and sent to me, right. So I could have been like this is going to hurt John's feelings or whatever, like oh I shouldn't show him, but that never even crossed my mind. I was like hey, just letting you know this happened. I didn't respond. Why do I need to respond? Like, you know, that's very like, that's just not like, I get that it's kind of like if you're a nice person, it makes you feel bad for feeling like you're ignoring somebody, but at the same time, it's respect to you and that is the main thing. You are my relationship, you are my now husband, and so like what happened at 16, even though he might be holding on to these things, and even he was in a relationship so he really shouldn't have been doing those things either, right.

John: Well, you know what, this gives me the final thing I've been looking for for the whole not getting rid of friends, talking to ex's thing. So many people are more afraid of hurting other people's feelings than the person close to them, right. And that's what it comes down to. That's why all of those things matter. That's why when someone says hey I don't want you talking to people of the opposite sex if we're in a relationship and you ignore that, that is why that is an issue, is because that's what you're indicating, right. And it is hard because you are ignoring somebody and it does make you feel bad that you're having to do that, but at the same time, it's like that's not your responsibility. This person sent you these things, not like you asked them for it, and you're ignoring them, right. Like that would be rude, right. And they know what they're doing when they're sending those things, also, right. It's not an innocent thing. And again, this goes back to like, guys, do they ever really let it go, you know. Women can do this too, but again, it's like I hadn't talked to this ex besides like he would occasionally say something to me when I was single, like happy birthday, but I didn't even keep in touch with him, like we weren't friends to that extent, and then it still happened. So it's like, you know, it's just best to be transparent about all the things. Like even the other day, this guy that I went to high school with, we played a prank on my parents and he texted me, and I like, you know, told John. I was like, you know, and he had only texted me because my parents were in the restaurant and he was like I think your parents are here, and so then we were like, and he's gay too, so well, I mean, but still, like, I mean that kind of, but that kind of the conversation we had with him afterwards would not have flown if he was not clearly flamboyantly gay, right. Like because then I would be like this, you were like in on the whole thing, like we were sitting there, it wasn't like some behind the scenes thing, and so it's just best to have the transparency again because it's like something could, like, your old girlfriend could text you at any time and she occasionally has texted you and things like that, and so it's just best to keep the whole thing open. Like everything should be open, everything should be on the table because that is what's going to bring you closer to your partner, especially if you are in a committed relationship, you want to marry this person, like this is the person you're going to be with for the rest of your life, right. They need to be respected at the utmost importance, right. And if you can't do that, then, right, if you're not already married, then you should really contemplate if this is the person for you because 100%, it is not hard to respect and trust a person that you truly feel those feelings for and have shown you that you can trust and respect them and have proved to you by their actions and things like that, so right. That's why like these things, they seem different on the outside looking in, but when you do have those things, it's not that big of a deal to put any of these boundaries into place, and it's protection, like I said too. Like what can happen, a lot of times people will push back on this or they're like I don't really need to show her everything, so then girl text and then they're just, they're just like oh hey whatever, you know, whatever now she sends a nude and now, now the guy is like well I'm definitely not going to show her now, like oh that looks nice, and then it's like now you're actually doing something wrong, and you just went from, you know what I mean, because the way you responded to that or that you didn't show that transparently is showing that, right now it's causing more issues. Little side note, but I'm not going to let it derail us, is that I mean there was a time with me and you that your friends told you not to tell me something, right.

Nicole: Right, to try to keep you from hurting my feelings, that's what a lot of people say, like they're like oh don't show them, like that'll just hurt them, and like it's not that big of a deal, but what I told you is that I want you to tell me everything, even if it's going to hurt my feelings, because it will hurt my feelings less, right, for you to be totally open and honest with me, right, than it would be if you kept something behind my back and decided for me what was best for me.

John: I agree because then you're not really allowing me to process the situation the way I would want to, you're doing it for me. And so you didn't end up telling me the truth, and then you also realized in that moment by how I responded to what you told me, which was something that was upsetting, but I didn't yell at you, I didn't treat you differently, like you learned then and there the importance really of telling somebody something regardless of what you think might happen because honesty and transparency is the key to a very close relationship.

Nicole: Yeah, and that's where all of these things come from, is mistakes we've made.

John: Exactly, here we are just talking about all but then figuring it out and growing from it and having a better than perfect, like what we call better than perfect because we're fixing.

John: Getting better and better. Alright, how many more left? One or two?

Nicole: There's just one left, which is the girls' night out, guys' night out, partying with the single people, or not single people pretending like you're single, you know, all the stuff that goes on that we all... I mean, Bachelor parties, even when I used to drink, I didn't really like going out and drinking. Like, I would really do it with my friends, and I would go out with my friends and like want to dance and then go home. Like, that literally was the goal. Like, obviously, when you're single, if a cute guy comes up to you and you have a conversation, cool, that's like a bonus. So, like now, my idea of fun is not the same as it was when I was single, right? Like, we go to like Dave and Busters or, you know, do something that we like to do, right? And I don't really miss the partying. I mean, I didn't like, like I said, I didn't really like alcohol, and like, we don't drink now, but it's like, you in your whole life, right? What you think is fun changes, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong if you're single, you're single, and you're going out, and you're having fun, and you're going to bars, and you're dancing with your girlfriends. Like, there's nothing wrong with that right now. But when you're in a committed relationship that you're truly happy to be in, do you even want to do that, right? That's like, you should want to be at home, spending time with your family or your boyfriend at like midnight or sleeping, you know?

John: Yeah, that's when you get older, then you want to. But I'm not saying that you can't still hang out with your friends. Like, I go, I'm going tomorrow to like a painting class with my friends, right? And see, that's appropriate. No one will be like, "Oh, she's at a painting class, you know what that means. She's trying to pick up all the... Oh, you're not a nude model, though, no?"

Nicole: Okay, alright, just kidding. But yeah, I mean, that's appropriate, or if I went golfing. I mean, I would never, I'm never going to go golfing, but if I went golfing, or running, or on a hike, that's cool, or even to go out to dinner or something like that, or lunch or brunch or something. Well, not the kind of brunches that a lot of girls go out to, but you know, normal. You just got to watch out for the bottomless mimosas. But yeah, no, just what I'm saying is that partying is definitely more of a single type of vibe, and plus, when you're in a relationship, you just value the things that you guys do together like at the top priority. Now, I'm not saying get rid of your friends, but I'm saying, you know, you're not marrying your friends, you're marrying your partner, like, and you're going to do life with them, and you spend the most time with them, right? So, you live together a lot of the time. If you're allergic to nuts, you wouldn't go and hang out in a nut factory and just be like, "I'm not eating the nuts, I'm just hanging out." Why would you be in a place where you could accidentally ingest, oh my go, or you be tempted to eat a nut? I don't know. Like, I'm just saying, you know, when you go out to a place that is designed for single people, a lot of times to hook up, or it's not, it's not the place where you should be, like a bar or a nightclub, and you're like, "Well, I'm not going to pick up anyone, or I'm not going to," it doesn't matter. You're putting yourself in harm's way. A risk of temptation is there, and if you're not planning on eating nuts, don't go to the nut factory. That's my... I'm not saying that women are less likely to do this, even though I do feel they are a little bit less likely to go out and like cheat, but I know women like to go out and dance and stuff. But at the same time, I would say if you're in a relationship and you really still hold on to going out with your girls and partying and drinking and things like that, and like putting yourself in sort of like that sort of situation, what are you missing from your relationship, right? Because like, if you still value that, and I'm not even saying if you and your boyfriend want to go out, like go out together, that's fine. If you still want to like go out and drink, I mean, then you should be probably going with your partner. If you want, you're like stressing girls only, like getting plastered and whatever, then like, what are you missing from your relationship? Like, what is keeping you in this state rather than in like, okay, like I'm ready to like, you know, do a nice puzzle with my boy? I'm not saying you have to do a puzzle, but you know what I mean. Like, we could be going to a nice dinner with your man instead of like getting drunk and ending up diving into a bush, right? It doesn't... Yeah, it's just not the thing. It doesn't make any sense at this point in your life to do that thing. If that doesn't... I think people also confuse that as like, you can't hang out with your girlfriends, or you can't hang out with your guy friends, like, you know. So, I'm like, but it just... I just think naturally, the things that you want to do change. 'Cause there was even a time where like, you were here, and I was in Florida, and I had gone out with some of my friends, and like, we were, you know, going through some stuff, but I wasn't like out drinking, but I had gone out with like one of my friends who just gotten engaged and her guy, and I was out, and we weren't even like, like you weren't there, and I felt weird. Yeah, like, and that, and I went to a place I had always gone to party. I had like, you know, it was the same type of vibe it always was, but it just wasn't for me anymore. And I'm not saying that everyone's going to feel that, but I do feel like if you're really invested in a relationship, yeah, the things that you did on your own, like in this kind of like partying, like dating scene, is not going to appeal to you as much anymore. And if you want to dance, then go mad house. Mad house, it's like, it's even better. It's even better than going out to the bars and the clubs. It is, even better with all your girls cheering you on, and then you can show your man the video of your dance, you know? And they even do like couples' classes sometimes. So, yeah, no, 100% agree. Like, you know, you can still do the things, the core things that you loved about going out. Like, you could even have date nights at your house with your man, or even with your girlfriends come to your house, and you guys make little, you know, different cocktails and make it like a fun thing. It doesn't have to be like this raunchy couples' friends, and you can do things together and have board game nights or whatever, or even if you want to go out to a concert.

John: Or something like that, or go on a cruise ship. There's stuff you can do as couples. So, I think we did all of it very well.

Nicole: Yeah, there wasn't any we missed, right? I think we pretty much covered it. But I do think people... I'll add one little thing. I do think it's important to have an in-depth discussion because sometimes guys could be like, "Don't do this," and then they don't really explain it.

John: Yeah, I can talk to that. The way that you should approach this, guys, is this: Again, like I said, when the woman is asking for commitment or saying, "Where are we?" indicating she wants commitment, you say, "Look, hey, before we do this, it's very important to me that we take this seriously. I take commitment seriously and, you know, especially if you're dating multiple girls, and you're like, okay, if I'm going to just date you and we're going to be in one, then you should be moving in the direction of marriage. That's what the purpose of it is. If you're going to be in a committed relationship, can't see this as your future part, like your husband. But then you just say, 'Look, it's very important to me,' like I said, and so I have some standards that I have as a man that are very important to me and important to the success of our relationship. And here's what they are." And then you list the six things, and you have a conversation about each one, and you say why it's important. What's most important about this, guys, is that you indicate very clearly that I'm trying to be as transparent as possible with you, right? And this is why I'm doing these things and why I have the standard.

Nicole: Right, because you start with saying, "I'm being transparent to you," and that's why I hold myself accountable. That's going to get a much better response, how you approach it, right, than the, you know, "I'm the man, and this is what if you want to date me, woman, you got to get rid of your guy." Someone, you're the man, you are in fact not the man.

John: Exactly. But that's how you have to approach it. And then, but you have to be willing to walk too, right? Because if she's not going to agree to those things, right, you have the discussion, then you say, "Hey, respectfully, however you want to phrase it, we can still date, but we're not ready for commitment if we're both not ready to do these things." And that's it. You're not making it all her fault. And hey, maybe you even still date her, and you're just not in a committed relationship. And then maybe at some point, she's like, "Man, all these other guys suck. I really like this guy. I guess maybe I'm ready to actually commit."

Nicole: Yeah, I think people with all their boundaries have a really hard time with the walking away part.

John: Yeah, like that's what they really struggle with. Every single problem that I see in the guys that I coach in their relationship is because they were afraid to walk away, including my own. Uphold the boundary. They're just like, "Oh, I'm going to go if you do this," and then they do it. You're like, "No, I'm really going to go," and then they still do it. And you're like, "No, really, like, bye," and then you're like, kind of walk one more. Yeah, you're like, "Alright," and they're still doing it, and you're like, "Okay, you convinced me. Just don't do it again." And then, of course, they're like, "I won't," and then they do it, and again, you're back to, "Oh, like, yeah, you have, I'm going to go though, for real this time." And then it's not for real.

Nicole: It's love without attachment, is what I would call it, where you're not like, "I love you, but it's at... you're not here as a prisoner. If you want to, like, it's going to be on the terms that you know, if you want to be here, then this is how it's got to be for our relationship."

John: So, right. And a man has to be willing to lead, and it means that a lot of times, it's going to be a hard path to be a leader as a man. But that's what a leader is. A leader doesn't say, "I hope that everyone agrees with what I'm saying, and I will only say the things that sound good." A leader says, "I am going to make the choices that are good for the people that I'm leading, and they might not like my choices all the time, but I'm going to do what I believe is right for it. As long as the leader is keeping the person's best interests at heart, and he knows them, and he's taken the time to figure those things out by being with them and being around them and things like that. So that's what's important. And that's like what I feel like is really hard for women to understand these days about letting a guy lead.

Nicole: I was that woman. And but the thing is, like, I think it's more about finding the right guy that aligns with you and your morals and things like that and trusting him, right? Because you know him, and you guys are on a very similar page, right, to act as if you would act. And then that way, you can give him your masculine energy and your masculine tasks, and then you can rest assured that it'll be done, and you can be more feminine.

John: Yeah, it's like the analogy, maybe we can wrap it with this. It's like is of a captain of a ship, right? The man should be the captain of the ship, and a good captain goes down with the ship. He's responsible for the ship. A good captain is there for the benefit of the crew, to keep the crew safe. He's not, he shouldn't have selfish ambitions. Being the captain of the ship, he should, and he should be willing to let the people that are willing to go under his leadership on his ship, and if they don't, then that's fine. They're not prisoners. They can be on the ship or off the ship. But if he's going to be on the ship, he's going to be the captain. He's going to steer the ship, and they, but he also has a lookout.

Nicole: Well, yes.

John: Well, but a good captain also has a first mate, right? And people that help him run, navigator or whatever, that he relies on people that are wise as well and takes their counsel into his decision-making process. He makes the final decision, but he listens to the people who have more experience in different areas. He listens to his first mate, right? And he's looking out for their welfare primarily. And if something goes wrong with the ship, there's only one person to blame. It's always him because he takes full responsibility, and he goes down with the ship. And that's it. There you go.

Nicole: So, alright. So, for our little, what we kind of went through this week, is that, uh, I would say since I get to pick, we kind of had to regroup on our parenting. Not that John and I don't...

John: We have very similar parenting styles already, like we do, and I think that's important. We also talked about that being important. It's that like we're all changing, things happen all the time, different circumstances, and even if you have the best interest in mind, you sometimes can get off of the path.

Nicole: Yeah, and what we did is we just really talked about it. We talked about what we were doing, you know, what was happening, and how we could get on actually a better path than the one that we were even on, and the one that we intended to even be on the whole time. But we were doing it a like we were putting in way more effort into this thing that needed something else, and so we could focus the effort that we were trying to put in to like make something happen more into like love, which we were already doing, but it gave us more space.

John: To love, right, and less space to like be so stressed out, right. And it was good for us to have the discussion, to listen to each other, and to come to a conclusion and figure it out, and not turn against each other because a lot of times when the child is, you're having parenting difficulty or issues, it causes fights because both people are stressed out.

Nicole: But instead, we turned to each other, worked as a team exactly, and worked as a team to figure things out and regroup. And I think that's important. I think a lot of people, you know, they have a hard time with change, right, and they have a hard time looking at something that has maybe gone differently than they had hoped.

John: Exactly, and instead of beating themselves up and making themselves feel bad, they're just, they just need to be like, "Alright, we got here, we didn't mean to be here, but we're here. Let's try to get back exactly, and like let's do better than we even were doing before." And so it was just, I thought it was very refreshing, and like something that I hadn't really experienced, like well with us, we've always been like a team, but I'm saying in like other relationships, like I never really had somebody to like look at the issue as a team, if that makes sense. Like it was always like one against the other.

Nicole: Well, you did this, and so I did this, and then it's like you're going further away, right, rather than putting two heads together, figuring out a plan, and now it's even easier to like figure the situation out exactly.

John: So, alright, well I guess we'll see you next week through every fault we find our way.