John: I mean, people always cite Tom Brady, right? Because Tom Brady, they're like, you could be the richest, most good-looking, athletic guy. You could be perfect, and sometimes you're too perfect for a woman, and she'll divorce you. I think the Tom Brady thing actually shows the opposite of what these guys think. It shows that you can have all the superficial things. You can be attractive, you can have high status, you can have money, you can be a professional athlete, you can have all of those things, you can have other women want you, but if you're not at home and making your wife and your family feel loved, she'll give it all up.

Nicole: Beyond our flaws, we complete each other better than perfect. We stay through every fault and find our way. Welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship. Do you know how long it's been since you got it like 100%? That was good, and you did like your little announcer voice. I was like, he's a professional.

John: Yeah, that turned you on, didn't it?

Nicole: Yeah. So, what do we have for small talk today?

John: I don't know. I'm trying to think if there's been any topics that go along our...

Nicole: Have you been fighting with anyone on the internet lately?

John: Not recently. That's rare. I think they've given up though. I was just checking to see if there's any comments or anything, but yeah, I think, you know, there's like... I mean, people were definitely upset over the boss babe one because a lot of women were like, "I don't care to be attracted to you."

Nicole: Yeah, but it's like, guys, look how... I mean, okay, yeah, granted, she said, "I don't care to be attracted to you," but look how unattractive that is. That's just vulgar. It just comes across as crass. Like, when a guy does it, it also comes across as crass, right?

John: You know what I mean? So, it's like, why even comment and say that kind of stuff? It's just like, this is the point that I'm making. It's like, what kind of guy wants to walk home to that? Like, that kind of attitude and just disrespect for just people in general.

Nicole: Well, he won't have to. But another person I did, not I don't say argue with, I would say philosophized, that I tried to enlighten, was the type of people who are like, "We don't do it for anybody else, and why is it bad to be proud of your accomplishments?" And I was like, here, and I think people need to hear this. Here's the difference: most truly successful people downplay their success, and they don't bring it up because they are afraid that they will be used for that, or that it will rub somebody the wrong way or influence them somehow. So, the most successful people never bring that stuff up. And even if, like, and some other guy in the comment was like, "Well, how come women, that's the third question they ask as a man if you're successful?" And a woman asks you what you do for work, you give her the basic answer. Let's say you own a social media marketing, you could just be like, "I'm in social media marketing," right? You're not lying, and you're not telling this person, "I own a business, so I probably have a lot of money, and here's this, this, and that," right?

Nicole: Yeah, because you should not be giving out any of that information. And that's what I'm saying with the boss babe people. It's those sort of women that go on a date, and they're like, "I own a business, and I make this," and they're presenting all this information, a lot of times too without even being asked about it. So, that puts them in a tricky position because they're just giving all this stuff like, no, the guy doesn't have to work for any of this information. And I'm not saying it should be a game, but it is not a good idea for anybody to go on a first date and spill all your beans everywhere.

John: It always just reeks of insecurity, and it makes you seem like, like I said in the episode, if I'm a guy going around, if I have a shirt, I'm like, "Alpha male," it's like, okay, buddy. Like, it's like if I saw a guy wearing that shirt, I'd be like, you're the farthest thing from that. And that's the thing, is like, a man's not going to be like, "No, she's not making this money," right? But even if a man did that to a woman, it feels like you're trying to buy their affection, or you're trying to use this attribute that you have to cover up all your other attributes that might not be in line with what somebody wants, if that makes sense.

Nicole: Like, I'm not saying that a woman can't be ambitious and own a business, and I think we did a really good job clarifying that in the episode. I know a lot of these people are just watching the clips, but it's the people who are trying to make an argument when we already tied up all those loose ends with the whole episode that we did. But I did want to mention that. It's, you don't see successful people going around gloating, and that's the word that I used too. It's this gloating from boss babes and gloating from men who think all their worth is just in their money or what they do, their career, and that's what turns people off. 'Cause it would turn a woman off if a woman did the same thing. 'Cause there are plenty of women who go on dates, and a guy acts like what he does for a living is his main personality and doesn't base anything else off of anything else. And I know that a career means a lot to a man, and I'm not saying that career can't mean a lot to a woman, especially if she's doing her passion, but also, like, people who are coming from an authentic and passionate place don't talk about money and their success in the way 'cause it's not about that. Like, they have that, but the most successful people have success because of other genuine attributes, if that makes sense. It's not this conceitedness, this wanting to gloat, this "I'm better than you" energy.

John: Right, exactly. 'Cause that would turn anybody off. And the whole, like I said, coming across abrasively, like, you've already lost your case when you've come across abrasively because it's just, we're making the case that boss babes are not attractive. It's not an attractive trait, but then you're abrasive, and it's like, well, that's even less of an attractive trait for a woman to be abrasive.

Nicole: So, you know, they're just angry, just like the other guys are angry. But, you know, it'll even out. It's whatever we say. It's always the other.

John: Yeah, it's like there are very impartial people that are like, "Oh, okay, like, let me hear some constructive criticism from me as a man, and also I can, you know, these are what..." No, it's like, so, but that's, it's fine, you know. It doesn't.

John: It is kind of bothering, but it's really not because, one, I know we both like seeing the other side. There are occasionally, unfortunately, this is an occasional thing, that someone will give a perspective that is brought up in the proper way, and it makes us think like, okay, well, I could see that point of view. But when you bring it up in a way like she did, where she's just like, well, I don't want you to be attracted to me, that's definitely the wrong way to do it. And there's plenty of men who do the same thing, and at that point, I feel bad for them because I'm like, you know, I get you're upset, but you have come to a point

John: Where you're just spewing it all over the Internet. Yeah, and you're not really listening. Like, even if this upsets you to hear or something, or maybe you believe some of it but you don't believe all of it, if you express that, again, going back to our surrendered wife book, with the correct wording of things, right, people would actually be like, oh, okay, well, I understand your perspective of it. But when you're just like, you suck, or like, I don't care what you think, right, that's not bringing anything to the discussion. And we've always said that we're open to hearing what other people have to say. We're open-minded people who would change their mind, right? That's how we've learned a lot of these things, honestly, is like making the mistakes and hearing a whole bunch of sides and seeing a whole bunch of sides and figuring out what makes the most logical sense. And it's just sad when the really upset and angry people, yeah, just go on this like commenting spree because it's like, if you listen into some of it, you could

John: Benefit your life, but you're choosing to live in this like hatred, this anger, this emotional place that's only harming you, yeah, not anybody else. And it's not like we're ever unempathetically shitting on people. No, we say some things that people don't like, but it's out of love for them. It's never, we're never making, yeah, we're not making fun of people, we're not saying they're scum of the Earth, right. We're talking about things objectively and trying to, you know, people, right, exactly. So, it's never, it's never, you know, there is content out there that is purposely shitting on people. That's not us, ever, not, not even when we disagree. So, you know, but so many times I listen, I see comments, and I'm like, oh shit, did I say something, or did you say something, you know? In that clip, and then I listen to the clip, I'm like, no, that's perfectly logical. It's like, there's nothing, this person just

John: Is whatever, so they're just upset. They want to be upset. Alright, what you got for us today's topic is jealousy and how I think a little bit of jealousy, healthy jealousy, and we'll talk about that because, like, what is healthy jealousy?

Nicole: Yes, so healthy jealousy, I would say, is when you really admire the person that you're with for multiple reasons, not just because he's super hot and super buff and super tall, like not just the physical things, but because he's an amazing human being. He's intelligent, he's kind, he is what every woman would want. And yes, I am talking about my husband. And that greatness of what you are, maybe jealous isn't necessarily the right word, but it makes me afraid to

Nicole: Lose it because I value it so high. So again, I would say it's like because you have such a high value for the person that you're with, you do get a little nervous or like, oh, is like, could he leave me? I don't want him to leave me sort of thing. Like, I'm not saying think about that all the time because that's not healthy, but the healthy part is admiring the person you're with so much and all of their attributes to the point where you would be devastated if you lost that person. And you do kind of have that like, again, like, it's not a place where you're constantly afraid because that's not healthy, right. It's just this total admiration and love for the person that you're with that if you lost it, it would be a detriment to your life. Does that make sense?

John: Yep, and plenty of people would be like,

John: That's not healthy.

Nicole: Yeah, yeah, this is going to be an unpopular episode, probably. I'll tell. So, we're going to delve into the deep psychology of this, right, and the difference between men and women and masculinity and femininity, right. So, in order for things to really be successful in a relationship with a man and a woman, right, we've talked about before how a woman has to look up to the man, right?

John: Right, she has to look up to him, right. And so, I think that's this plays into all of that, right. And the other thing that plays into this is women's psychology around, really, it's the natural programming of women, of biology, that one of the ways, one of the major ways which they value a man is based on how other women value the man, and also how other men value him, but mostly, you know, it's selection bias or it's, you know, it's the social

John: Proof, right. So, you know, the classic example is a guy walks into a bar with a bunch of attractive women around him, women find him more attractive, right. Then, you know, so, so, so where I'm getting at with this whole thing is to say that, you know, I, when I coaching guys, I just was talking about this topic, right, because a lot of times, guys will get upset if their woman, uh, you know, for lack of a better term, I would say woman, but it's like wife or because it might be your girlfriend, so woman, yeah, uh, is being insecure, being a little bit jealous, right. And I mean, I used to get a little bit upset about that too, but then what they don't realize is that that is essential for the relationship. So, I do agree with you because if a woman doesn't think that other women want you, if she doesn't think that other people find you valuable, it's going to be hard for her to find

John: You valuable. So, it's a really good healthy indicator, right. If you're in a relationship with a woman, as a guy, and she's not afraid of you potentially cheating on her, she's not afraid of some woman trying to go after you or whatever, that's a problem because that means that she doesn't have a very high value of you. She doesn't think that other people want what she's got. Now, it doesn't work as much the other way around, not to say that. I mean, obviously, you're the world to me, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life, and you are amazing in every way, just beyond what I could ever imagine. You're the kindest person, the most sweet and funny, and I mean, mostly funny, very funny, okay, very funny. But, uh, you know, just so many things that I just am amazed by, right. So intelligent, and, uh, you know, so, so kind and has the

John: Biggest heart, buttering me up, all the things, you know, you know the thing, and such an amazing dancer. But I would be obviously devastated if I lost you.

John: I would never want to lose you. You're the perfect person for me. However, as a man, I don't necessarily have the same kind of jealousy because my judgment of you is the most important to me. It's not that I have that biology that you might have as a woman, where if this is valuable to me, it must be valuable to everyone else. And I'm worried about that attraction that comes from that. If a man is acting more jealous or insecure, it comes across as insecurity, and that's not attractive. As a man, I have to be like, "Yeah, I know I'm the best." I have to feel like that, present myself like that, and be confident that my woman is going to stay with me because where is she going to find a better man than me? I'm not trying to be arrogant, but I have to have that in my head because that level of confidence makes a man attractive.

Nicole: So, what would you say men feel that is the equivalent? Because I think a part of healthy jealousy is knowing that you have something valuable that other people would want.

John: Exactly. So, I don't believe men don't think that. If a man has a good woman, he would call it an instinct to protect the relationship. That looks like setting boundaries, like in one of our earliest episodes where we discussed the six rules for the relationship. The man is saying, "Look, hanging out with guy friends, going out to clubs, girls' night, girls' trips, no." Because he's protecting the relationship, he doesn't want to put it at risk at all. He knows he has an extremely valuable woman and doesn't want to jeopardize the relationship. Protecting the relationship, if you really admired the woman you're with, is also not following Instagram models, not excessively watching porn, and not desensitizing yourself to that woman.

Nicole: I used to have celebrity crushes before you came along, but now, if I was still single but knew you existed and somehow we didn't work out, I know those people wouldn't live up to you in my eyes. It's like they would never be you. We've talked about how we never feel like there might be something better out there because we're already like, "How is it even as good as it is now?" I have that certainty that there's nothing better than this out there. I have no desire to find out because you are even better than I ever imagined. This whole episode might sound like us just blowing smoke up each other's asses, but we genuinely believe it. That is what causes the healthy jealousy because if you have the best, you know it would never get better than this. There's going to be this need to protect it and preserve it. As a woman, it's like appreciating what you have, and the healthy jealousy makes sure that you continue to appreciate that.

John: Especially when I met you, I was the most secure of my entire life. I'm not saying I'm insecure now, but I have that healthy jealousy because this is a man that women would want. Plenty of women tell me, "Oh, your husband's so attractive," and I'm like, "They don't even know who he is as a person because they would die." It does create this healthy jealousy because I'm like, "This woman is blatantly telling me how attractive my husband is," and I need to make sure that I continually remember to appreciate that. Not that I don't, but it's like an added bonus to be the best version of myself for you and our relationship and appreciate you for all that you do. Our relationship is so amazing that I never want you to feel like I don't appreciate even the little things that you do.

John: I'm going to try an analogy. For a woman, it's like she's holding the winning lottery ticket, the Powerball number got read, and it's like a hundred million Powerball, and she hasn't turned it in yet. So she's like, "No one can know I have this Powerball. If they see the Powerball ticket, they're going to tackle me and try to take it from me." That's the healthy jealousy. For a man, it's like, "I won the Powerball. I have $100 million in my vault." You see what I'm saying? The woman's in your vault.

John: I'm proud of it. I'm proud of my wife. I know that she's amazing, and you take it out with the security of yourself, right? But it's in my vault. I'm not worried that someone's going to take it because I know that it's my vault, and I'm going to protect my vault. You see what I'm saying?

Nicole: Well, and also, that you continue. I think it's the same for men, though. I mean, I can't speak for you, but I think it would help men as well be the best version of themselves because they realize what they have, right? And as a man, more like, I know that what makes me a man is being a man, doing the things right. And so, I know if I have something extremely valuable like you, like the most amazing woman in the world, I have to keep on performing and being a man. I have to keep on doing the thing because I have to be worthy of this amazing woman that I'm with, and I have to show her that I am every day. You see what I'm saying?

John: So, that's the thing about it. It is different in the sense, but both of those elements have to be there because if we flipped it, and I were really afraid that every time you went somewhere, a guy was going to sweep you away or hit on you or whatever, and I was acting like that all the time, it probably wouldn't be very attractive to you, right? Like, to me, as a man, it doesn't matter if you're afraid of a woman hitting on me. It doesn't make you less attractive to me at all. In fact, it's more so because I'm like, oh, she really values me. You know what I'm saying? But if I were doing it, it would be less attractive because you'd be like, okay, why is this guy so insecure about it? And it is a double standard, but it's not a double standard because it's just a difference between men and women. It is a difference between masculine and feminine, and so that's why it looks differently.

Nicole: Yeah, well, it doesn't help too with the little jealousy thing that there's constantly women checking you out and things like that, or like the instances where I'm like, oh, that girl's looking at you, and you're like, no, that doesn't happen. And then when we talked about the thing from Vegas with that one lady, I'm like, it does happen. And like, that's not the healthy part of it, but I think it adds to it, though. As a woman, I didn't realize because again, that I never had a man as valuable as you that women will try to take that because it's so valuable when they see that. Like when you told me that women will go after married men and things like that. I don't have friends that do that, or like I'm not aware, or they would not be in my close relationship sort of circle, but it as a woman, that is scary because a woman might try to do whatever she can to get a man that she sees is valuable because, you know, either she sees the post that his wife is making, or she sees them out, and she just wants to cause some trouble or whatever. I mean, I didn't realize how much that it happened until you told me about it, but it is a real thing. And not that I think that those women could come and take you away from me, but it's that constantly seeing, like when we're walking down the street, women specifically admiring you and things like that, it just kind of makes you like, are people sliding in my husband's DMs to try to get him to talk to him or doing something like that? And like, I trust you, but when you again, when you have something valuable, you get a little concerned. And like, you being on social media and things like that, and you have a big following, it's a little bit more nerve-wracking. But that's the reason it's not like a constant insecurity or like a bad sort of jealousy is because I know you and I, and I know where we're at, and I know our relationship. But that's why I'm like, you have to have that view of your husband, though, like you have to, or the person that you're with, the man that you're with because if you don't have that, then you kind of feel like you can just get another one. And I say that because that is how I felt before. Like, I was not really concerned about anybody doing anything. Like even the guy I was with, if he was like, I want to go out to the bar, I'd be like, okay, because I was like, you know, I don't care as much. Like, he doesn't have all of the qualities that I want. He's a decent guy, but I could probably find a guy similar to him, right? Whereas with you, I know without a doubt, I could not find a guy exactly like you. And so, it makes you a little bit more afraid to lose this amazing thing that you have. Not that you think that it's going to happen, but you value it so much. It's like, I guess, to like you with your wedding ring, you're like, oh, I don't want to take it off before you go in the ocean because you don't want to lose it, or you try to make sure that you don't risk misplacing it or it falling down the sink or something because it means a lot to you, right? And that is what I mean by the healthy jealousy, which it's still, people probably like, no, you're just insecure, girl. And maybe there is some aspect of that, but I don't think it's a bad thing because I don't let it control myself negatively in my life. Negatively, I use it to admire you and make myself better and continue to grow so that we continue to grow together, and we just continue to get more and more in love and have the relationship just get even better, even though I don't know how it does, but it does. And I just value you, and I make sure that you know that I value you.

John: Because you mean so much to me. And I think, yeah, I mean, obviously, you're going to get some detractors for that. But again, I've been coaching guys for a long time, right? And I just had a conversation with a guy about this subject, and I was talking about how, look, it has to be this way. Like, don't get upset if the woman you're with is a little bit jealous or is a little worried that you're going to cheat on her or that something's going to because that's healthy, that's important that she has that. And what you have to do as a man, see, this is the other part of it, is reassure her. Mhm. Don't, a lot of guys, they do the, they're like, oh well, I'll make her even more scared, and then she'll really like me, and then that actually makes you insecure, then, right? So, it's like, even when you tell me that women are looking at me, I'm like, no, they're not. Right? Even if they are, I'm like, no, they're not because I don't need to say that.

John: I don't need to make you more worried because there's nothing to worry about. Like you're saying, someone with money or a really good job doesn't need to brag about it. I don't need to say anything. I want to reassure you because, unless someone drugs me and kidnaps me, no one is going to be touching this body. They can look, but there's nothing they can do because nothing can convince me to not be with you. I have found my perfect wife, my perfect woman, my perfect soulmate that I want to spend my life with.

Nicole: And I think one thing I wanted to bring up that's along these lines is that when a woman starts dating a man, or even when they're in a relationship, and he brings up his past conquests, to other men, they like to talk about this stuff. It makes him look better, but when a man talks about women he's had sex with to the woman he's with, it does not do that at all. It makes her feel like you're thinking about those times rather than with her. Some men do it intentionally to try to make their girl feel jealousy or something, but it's the insecure, bad sort of jealousy we were talking about. Now she's constantly living in a state of fear. Healthy jealousy is not living in a state of fear. It's admiring and appreciating what you have, knowing you have something that people want but not using that to create fear inside of you.

John: Exactly. What men want is a woman just like you who would think those things about the man she's with and say them so well. But then, be the man. We have a lot of conversations like this, but men don't realize that if they were even a tenth of the man that you were, they would be getting more women interested. Men should focus on being more of a man because that means the most to women. You can always start going to the gym, but she's going to value more you being a good man, a man that other men look up to, a man that she looks up to. That is what's going to get you more women.

Nicole: I agree 100%. And yes, it's going to take work because it's a mindset thing, changing habits. But that's something you can control. For all the men that are like, "I can't do anything, they just hate me," no, you actually can do that. A woman's not going to be like, "I love my husband so much because he has a six-pack," and that's it. Looks fade. We're all going to get old and wrinkly one day, but what's not going to change is how a person is on the inside. And if you have somebody that you look up to and admire, you'll focus on being the best version of yourself. Our relationship works not just because of that dynamic, but it is a big driving factor that I value you the same way that you value me.

John: I want to hear more about yours because I get the protective side, right? And I get that, and it makes sense, but I guess I want to hear more about how a man values a woman besides protecting her. I keep talking about how I admire you, but you've said before that I inspire you to be better. I guess I want to hear more about that part.

Nicole: For a guy, knowing he has an extremely valuable woman requires more of him. You make me want to be better because I always have to think, do I deserve this amazing of a woman? It's not that I have to earn you, but it does feel like I have to earn the right to be with you. Am I depriving her of an opportunity where she could be with someone better? I better not be doing that because this is your life, your one shot. And about the jealousy side of things, as a man, I know that if I am the man I am striving to be, a woman is going to want to stay with that man. But I still create boundaries and protect the relationship.

John: I would say that it's more about having such a value. When you have such a valuable mate, what does it cause you to do? What's the indicator of that? For women, it's that healthy jealousy. For men, it's that they want to tackle more things, become bigger, accomplish more, become better men. They want to provide more for the woman they're with.

Nicole: Exactly, in all the ways. As a man, doing that means you know you're the best option. You want to be the best option for her, not because you're afraid she's going to leave, but because you feel like she deserves to have the best option. It's almost like being a parent. You think, "I've got to be a good father for this kid." Similarly, "I've got to be a good husband for this woman because she deserves that." The more valuable you feel the woman is, the more you're inspired to be better.

John: You could look at the contrast. If a woman doesn't really see a man as a catch, she's not worried if he goes out. She thinks, "If he does cheat on me, so what? I can replace him." But if she does value him, she's worried about where he's going, what's happening, and if other women are looking at him.

Nicole: And she might not necessarily be worried about him and what he would do. Like, if for some crazy reason you were in a situation without me, and you were at a nightclub, the woman gets the elbow in the face. I know that you wouldn't compromise our relationship. It's just knowing that people might approach you, and I value you so much that it doesn't feel good. It's not that I think something would happen, it's just that I don't want that situation to even occur. It's more of a jealousy thing because men are so visual.

John: Right, men know that women aren't going to leave their husband that they admire for any guy. Women are loyal. It's when they don't feel loved that they do things that are unloyal. A woman could do everything right, and a man could still cheat because it's not about her, it's about him. Whereas a man could do everything right, and the woman's not going to cheat if her needs are being fulfilled.

Nicole: But if a man doesn't really value the woman he's with, he's not motivated to improve. He's just going to play video games, not be ambitious, get fat, not take care of himself. But if a man has a woman that he values, now he's putting protection into the relationship, improving himself, reading books on how to be better. He's trying to become a better man for her.

John: And he has to keep that bar high. That's why it's not the flip side for women. A woman could do everything right and still get cheated on. It's more of a healthy jealousy because it's kind of out of your control. You don't have that sort of confidence that a man might have.

Nicole: Right, it's not like if I just check all these boxes, I'm good. Men too think they're doing everything they could have, but more so because men are visual, it's something that's way less out of women's control. Men just need to be good men. You don't even have to be physically the most attractive, and a woman will still admire you if you're the man and you make her feel loved. As a woman, you could do all the things, run the house, massage his feet, and still, something could happen.

Nicole: His clothes every morning and be pleasant and loving and submissive and whatever men tell you that they want, and they could still throw that all away for someone else for the night. So, there is no checklist that women can do to feel like, "Okay, I don't have anything to worry about." Like with you, I feel like I don't have anything to worry about because of our connection, and that extends further than just, you know, even the things that we're talking about. We have such a deep connection that it gives us this certainty, and we're both on the same page. You do have that grounding, and you can have that. That is, for women, the sort of most grounded you could ever be is if you find a man that feels exactly about you the way that you feel about him and shows that to you and treats you that way, and you do the same for him.

Nicole: Yeah, but there is still, like I said, there's still that little bit of healthy jealousy because you know that you have a desirable man. You know that women are out here looking for a man that you have.

Nicole: I think that too is a part of it. I'm like, you know, I was looking for a man like you when I was single. I know other women are looking for a man like you, so I know I have something valuable, and I know how rare it is, and I know what women would do to have a man like you. And so, you can't unsee that, and instead, you can use it in a healthy way and appreciate the things. I know I'm probably sounding like a broken record, but I'm just trying to get people to understand these new terms that I came up with, but it's good. It makes sense.

John: I think a lot of guys would disagree with you, you know, saying that, "Oh, as a man, if you do all the right things, and your woman will stay with you, and she won't divorce you, and she won't cheat on you." But the problem with that is, like, I get what they're saying and why they would think that because it may have happened to them. But there's a confusion amongst men about what it actually is to be a good man, right? And a good husband, right?

John: Yeah, and they think a lot of guys think it has to do with, "Oh, well, I work hard." Mhm, right. A woman could give less than half a shit if you work hard or not if you are not showing her love and making her feel loved. And yeah, right. You could be making a billion dollars a year. Mhm, right. I mean, people always say, they're like, "This is one, oh, I saw a comment on one of my videos today where the guys like, 'cause they love to do the whole, I can't think of his name now, the quarterback, you know I'm talking about?"

Nicole: Oh, the one who just gave the speech?

John: No, no, not that guy. The Tampa, Tom Brady. Tom Brady, right. 'Cause Tom, they're like, "You could be the richest, most good-looking, athletic guy. You could be perfect, and sometimes you're too perfect for a woman, and she'll divorce you." No, and it's like, "They have to have drama," right? We've heard, you know, "You got to have drama." No, no, the problem is like, you can be like, I think the Tom Brady thing actually shows the opposite of what these guys think it shows. It shows that you can have all of the superficial things. You can be attractive, you can have high status, you can have money, you can be a professional athlete, you can have all of those things, you can have other women want you, but if you're not at home and making your wife and your family feel loved, she'll give it all up. Yeah, right. I mean, it's true.

John: Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that. So, I say it proves the opposite, right? People use this to, so that's where the confusion is. This is like, if I could just drill it, one point home to men to understand is, you got it backwards, you got it wrong. Like, that should be an example to show you that the only thing that makes you safe with a woman is the kind of man you are to her. That's what I said. That's the only thing.

John: Right, I said help as well, but to be focused on being a man, right. But that's what I'm saying is, you know what I'm saying. And that's why there's so much confusion around this topic because if you get that as a guy, I can tell you, no woman, and you know it. I mean, I don't need to tell you, but no woman is going to leave a man that makes her feel loved and that he has respect for himself, right, makes her feel protected and safe, and that he creates boundaries, right, and emotionally validates her. Right, that's what I said. That's why I said, don't even focus on all the superficial stuff, focus on being a man because that sticks with you. That is going to, and then if you are a man like that and you're becoming that sort of man, women are going to admire you, right, and they're going to look up to you. And then you can work on the other stuff if you want to, but you will get so many more opportunities to find the woman that you're supposed to be with if you work on being a man, right. And that's why it's like, it seems weird to say, but I don't have any insecurity around you, you know, because I know for absolute sure that I'm doing the things as a man that are going to make it so you would never leave me, that you would never cheat on me, that that would never be. Genuinely, that's the thing too, like, you genuinely, you're not like putting on some act or something like that. And so, that's the key, right, is that men have to embody it. Like, don't just, again, it's not like a checklist, like you can't just be like, "Oh, well, you know, I'm acting like this now, so you should be attracted to me." Like, you have to embody it. You have to become the man. You have to do the things and show the woman you love her because you do. Because otherwise, someone can tell if you're just like, "Okay, well, I'm going to treat her like this because I'm supposed to, and it'll make her like me more," and you're indifferent about it. That's going to show through whether you're the best actor or not.

Nicole: Right, exactly. Yeah, so hopefully, healthy jealousy makes sense.

John: It does. It does to me. It's like a, you know, and like I said, I think there's going to be some people that are going to be upset that it doesn't work both ways the same way, or they're going to complain about that. That's insecurity, but they don't got it. They don't have it figured. There is a dynamic, and it has to be this way.

John: Well, and it's still, it still is the same thing in a way. It's not healthy jealousy, but it's that you value the woman you're with so much that you have to step up and be the man. And that's what all of this is about. The healthy jealousy is about appreciating the man that you have and being a better woman for him, so that you guys can have a better and better relationship. Right, and then it, the, it's the same with men. It's that you know, protect it because you value this woman so much that she makes.

John: You want to be the best man that you can, and you don't want any sort of outside drama coming in and trying to affect that in any way because women also want to have boundaries, right? Like, just like you're like, "Protect me. I don't want you to go out and go to the club or whatever," even though people will be like, "Oh, well, you don't trust him." But it's like, when you're in a relationship that you really enjoy being in, you love being in, you don't want to do the things that you were doing when you were single. I would rather sit at home and us just sit on the couch and talk than go to the club. It's just not what I want to do anymore. And then, it's just dumb to put yourself in a stupid situation because even though I know you wouldn't go home with some girl or give her your phone number, why put yourself in a situation to even have to have any of those conversations, which I know we've talked about before. But it's the same thing. Women who have healthy jealousy also want to have the boundaries too because it protects their relationship. So, it goes both ways, right? Even though it's a different aspect for women because it is a little bit more unstable to feel like you fully have a man in your life because again, you can do the things that you're supposed to do and that every man wants, and it's still not good enough. But when you have that sort of connection like we have, you might have these things like we still have them, but you do still have the firm belief in like nothing can shake this because, like I've mentioned in the beginning, without even having to go on more dates, I already know that there's nobody else like you out there. So, I feel completely content, more content than I could have ever felt.

Nicole: Yeah, and like I said before, it's like if you're a vegetarian, what are you doing in this Sausage Factory? If you're like, "I'm not going to eat any sausage, you don't have to worry." But are you trying to just get the whiff of it? Are you trying to smell the sausage? That's what you're trying to do. Like, you know when you're on a diet and you're like just smell or you're looking at food porn, you know? It's like you're looking at Instagram pictures of food and you're like, "Just because you can't eat," or you're watching other people eat food. It's like, yeah, you're probably not content if that's what you're doing. It's like, there's no reason people use to justify these behaviors. They're trying to get attention or they're trying to feel like they're going or know the experience of like, "Come on, let's be real what we're doing when we're doing that." Like, if you really value the person you're with and things like that, like I said, you won't even be interested in those things really anymore.

John: Yeah, like it's just not on the top of your list or even on the list at that point. But yeah, hopefully, that all made sense. That one was kind of like we just invented that.

Nicole: Yeah, we did. That's good, though. I mean, it's novel. It's good, I think. But yeah, people might come for me, but I don't care. I got your back. They can come for me too because it makes sense. Like, and I've been telling guys this for a long time. It's not... Here's the thing, though, which again didn't stop me from making this whole episode about this, but a lot of people have not experienced this, so they don't even think it exists. They don't even understand what we're saying because they've never actually got to experience it. And to a lot of people, it sounds like fairy tale mumbo jumbo, right? Which I would have agreed with if I was single and had never felt it myself. But I do think that the amount of attraction and admiration that both people should have for each other does have to be this high because, what are you in a relationship if it's not... I know a lot of times you're the one who's kind of like, "I don't want to mess up anybody's relationship," but I'm over here like, "If he's not obsessed with you and you're not obsessed with him, what are you doing?" But you can build it. That's the thing I will say is that, and again, it's like we talked about in the last episode about the book, it's like, look, maybe you're doing things that are destroying your attraction for the other person. Know as a woman, maybe you're nagging your man, trying to be in control 24/7, so now you're losing attraction because you're saying it can't be built. But I'm just saying, don't go to the next people hope, okay? I but I also like want to be a realist because I feel like it is possible for people to do it, but I feel like they might get too much of like, "Oh well, it's not that bad. I don't have like, I think he's cool and I like him a lot and I'm attracted to him, but like, I don't admire him." And I'm like, "No, you know what I mean? Like, then something's missing." And maybe there are things that you can change like reading the book. I'm not saying that it can't be built, but I also think there's something to say about, you know, the just two puzzle pieces coming together. And I'm not saying that it has to be like fate, but I'm saying, listen to our podcast and work on yourself, right? Because when you are in that space of healing and bettering yourself, you will attract people that are doing the same thing. Energy attracts energy, like the same energy attracts the same energy. And so, you know, I think people have to do a little bit more work rather than being like, "I am who I am." And if you're single, do the work for yourself. You'll also give yourself more peace in your own life without anybody in it by working on yourself. Granted, as we both know, when you get in a relationship, things that you thought you'd healed and worked on will pop back up, and you'll be like, "What the hell? I thought I worked on this," right? But you'll be with somebody if you've already done a lot of the work that also does work on themselves.

John: Right, exactly. And then you can work together to work on those things now. And I mean, I think, I hope we would create an example of it because hopefully, people see us continually working on our relationship. Right, we're reading books, you know, obviously, we're discussing it every week, but we're, and from that, you see where we make mistakes, and then we're getting better. We fix those mistakes. We're trying to be better for each other. So, it does, you know, if you want to have this kind of relationship, you have to, yeah, want both people want to have to have a better than perfect relationship.

Nicole: That's nice. I can't even add anything else to that because you just tied it up so.

John: Nicely with the bow, but you also have the hard part of coming up with something that we encountered this week. I don't think there is anything that we... I mean, because we're doing back-to-back episodes today, but you know, we talked about... But even the previous episode, we didn't really have much. It was just the one thing.

Nicole: So, I don't know. I got like, wow, is this the first week that we didn't have anything? Like, even a little? I mean, granted, it's because we're doing back-to-back, but yeah, we didn't have even a little something extra. I don't think so.

John: I don't think so either. Go us. We get the award there. We go, best couple with some spider web looks like a man ripping open his own chest, but uh, that's like one of those little... a wreath.

Nicole: Yeah, I know, but it looks like he's ripping open his chest.

John: It does look like, "This is my heart; it's inside."

Nicole: All right, that's all you get for our segment today. For... oh, uh, yeah, you know, we forgot last time. Leave a review. Did you check that?

John: Yeah, I did. There were no... but come on, guys. You could... this is like free advertising for you, you know, like for yourself.

Nicole: Yeah, you could just read whatever you put in the review, you know.

John: Okay, don't go that far, 'cause people will be like, "banana fingers." Like, I'll read "Salad Fingers."

Nicole: I'll read, but okay, that's it for today. We'll see you next time.