Nicole [00:00:00]: Getting married and being in a romantic relationship is more than just friendship. I'm not saying that friendship is not important. It is another level to your relationship. But if that's all you have, you're missing the romantic part. That also helps with all of these other things. Right.

John [00:00:17]: And how do you get the romantic part? What's the essential to have it?

Nicole [00:00:24]: Don't read smut novels.

John [00:00:25]: No. Beyond the perfect we discover through our.

Nicole [00:00:31]: Flaws we complete each other.

John [00:00:34]: Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:00:53]: Not the dramatic podcast.

John [00:00:56]: I'm just practicing to be a newscaster.

Nicole [00:00:58]: Oh, okay. At first I was like, oh, I've.

John [00:01:02]: Got to work on my accents, though, you know?

Nicole [00:01:04]: Yeah, your British accent. You want to keep doing an Irish accent.

John [00:01:08]: What? What is it? What is the what?

Nicole [00:01:11]: What do you know about the Irish?

John [00:01:14]: What do you know about the Irish?

Nicole [00:01:18]: It's like, even if you start in a British accent, you say Irish in an Irish accent.

John [00:01:23]: I just. I like to say that word in the Irish accent, you know?

Nicole [00:01:26]: I know. Yeah, you do. You do a good Irish accent.

John [00:01:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:30]: And the British one, when you, like.

John [00:01:32]: Get it down, when, like, it has to, like, click in my head so I can be like, what. What do you know about the Irish? No, I don't know.

Nicole [00:01:42]: Takes you a while.

John [00:01:43]: There's so many different. Yeah. D. Variations, but there is. Yeah. So the. Well, yeah. New Love is Blind. We're watching.

Nicole [00:01:52]: I think we're actually behind, like, than most people, but I think we're about to catch up because we have, like, two more episodes left.

John [00:01:59]: Oh, it doesn't matter, because by the time this airs, and that's true, everyone will have watched it all, so that's.

Nicole [00:02:04]: That's very true. Yeah. And our topic today is inspired by Love is Blind.

John [00:02:12]: Yeah. This one has kind of been boring now a little bit.

Nicole [00:02:15]: This one, we've literally been watching it and have multiple times been like, what are they actually saying?

John [00:02:22]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:02:23]: Like, there's so much fluff thrown in there that, like, I don't even know what they're actually talking about.

John [00:02:29]: Yeah. Yeah. Some of the edits are just weird. It's like. Yeah, I don't know.

Nicole [00:02:34]: And are they telling them to, like, add extra stuff in when they're explaining stuff? Because it's so confusing.

John [00:02:42]: Yeah, it's confusing. It's just. Yeah, it's a weird. It's a weird Batch of. I don't know, it just.

Nicole [00:02:49]: None of it really seems genuine. Besides, granted, okay. We still don't know the names very well, but I think it's. Who's the couple that prays together?

John [00:03:02]: I don't know any of the names.

Nicole [00:03:03]: So I think his name's Tyler. And then her name, I think starts with an A. Ashley.

John [00:03:08]: Okay. Yeah, that's okay.

Nicole [00:03:10]: I think it's Tyler and Ashley. They're the only ones that seem genuine to me. Everyone else is just saying stuff that they don't even know what they're saying.

John [00:03:19]: Yeah, they're just saying stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:22]: And they're the only couple that we think is actually gonna make it.

John [00:03:24]: Yeah. Yeah. It's like everyone's just trying to say stuff to, like, sound good.

Nicole [00:03:30]: Right?

John [00:03:30]: That's what it's like. Yeah, well, the weird.

Nicole [00:03:33]: That's the problem that happens with all these sort of shows. Right. Like, okay, the first one, they're genuinely there to find love, probably.

John [00:03:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:42]: Because they're, you know, because it's the first one and they're trying it out. But all the ones after that, these people just want to be famous. They just want to be like low, low, bottom of the barrel celebrity type of people and that they can just get brand deals and that's their job now. Like, let's be real.

John [00:04:00]: Yeah. I mean. Yeah, that's a lot.

Nicole [00:04:02]: And we even found out what that guy last season, what was his name? Trevor. He, like, acted like such a nice guy and then all his skeletons came out of his closet. It's like, come on.

John [00:04:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:14]: Like, now you're popular for being villain. And it probably does the opposite. And we think that there's a few guys on here that are doing probably something similar.

John [00:04:23]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:24]: This season.

John [00:04:26]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:27]: But I guess we'll see. But, yeah, the.

John [00:04:30]: Yeah. What's your topic? Let's jump into it.

Nicole [00:04:34]: So again, it was inspired by some of the episodes we've been watching. Specifically the one where I think the guy's name is Tim and I think the girl's name is Alex.

John [00:04:45]: Okay.

Nicole [00:04:45]: I think basically the one with the guy who was like, I have these boundaries and if you cross them, you know that's not gonna be good. And then obviously she crossed the boundary. And there's an episode of them, like, having this conversation about what happened without actually telling us. And just watching her kind of made me think about how women, like, try to control the relationship to the extreme.

John [00:05:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:19]: And how they don't even realize how off putting that is. How, like they wouldn't like the same thing back to them. Like, it just really kind of put into perspective, like, the extreme that women should really avoid the getting to. And again, we'll talk more about this in the whole episode. I get why they get to that level. I understand. But that doesn't mean that it's the right way to be.

John [00:05:47]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:05:48]: So I don't know really where to dive in first. Maybe I'll start by talking about, like, what she was doing. Right. So, yeah, okay.

John [00:05:56]: Yeah, let's talk about.

Nicole [00:05:57]: She constantly criticized this guy to the point where I'm like, she does not like him. Like, to the point where, yeah, he was, like, blowing it off. And like you said, he did it in the right way. Like, he wasn't aggressive or anything towards her about it. He was just like, my dog, you know? Or like, I like this hat. And she would just be like, don't ever say that again, or like, don't wear that or your fashion's horrible or something. And like, even if she's gonna try to come on and say, like, I was joking.

John [00:06:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:30]: The way that she presented it was not joking. And it was also presented in a way of, like, my opinion should be the only one that matters. Right. Like, even if you like this hat, I think it's ugly, so you shouldn't get this hat.

John [00:06:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:44]: And the way other ways that she was acting, like, so nonchalant with him, like, she's not even really interested in him, but supposedly she, like, loves this man. Or she'll be like, oh, well, we'll see, like, what happens. And like, I understand in a way, because I think she's trying to protect herself and she's trying to come off not when she's picking on him, but with the, like, we'll see thing that she's not as invested so she doesn't get her heart broken. But we all know that that doesn't really work.

John [00:07:18]: Right? Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:19]: And they are in a weird position because maybe she's trying to shit test him a little bit because she didn't get to do that in the pods. Because they don't. They're not, like, really around each other. But at the same time, there's a fine line and there's a way to go about it where you can be maybe shit testing a guy but not be so controlling or, like, off putting with it. Like, every interaction that they had, like, he was way nicer than I would have been about it. Because it was very, like, abrasive.

John [00:07:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:52]: It was very, like, my way or the highway, like, sort of thing. But like you said, and I know. Well, when we were talking about it, you said this, and I know you'll probably bring it up, as you should, that it's not even my way or the highway.

John [00:08:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:05]: It's just like, it's my way.

John [00:08:06]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:06]: Or I'm gonna emotionally abuse you. Right. Or, like, make this a horrible situation and into an argument and all these other things. So when I was watching that, it just made me realize when women can, like, really take being, like, independent and, like, controlling to this extreme level, that's off putting because, like, that man is a masculine man that she's with. And he has boundaries, which is so good. You can tell he has self respect for himself.

John [00:08:40]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:41]: And to be honest, their whole time, watching their conversation, I was like, good for him. You know, I'm not, like, I'm a girl's girl, but I'm also whoever's right. I'm gonna side with whoever's right. And she's not right. Like, if anything, she brought this on herself. And I think she somewhat realized that when he had such strong boundaries and self respect for himself.

John [00:09:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:03]: But, like, he did the right thing by standing up for himself and being like, no, like, you crossed this boundary. I told you about this boundary. He did lay it out for her. He was like, look, I'm very chill and. But if you cross this line with me, there's no going back. And he did the right thing. And he told her, like, I don't think it was manipulative of him to be like, hey, I came in here and this was going to be our last conversation. Because I believed him. Because he backed it up with everything else he said.

John [00:09:30]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:30]: So it's like just watching her act that way, I was like, a lot of women probably act this way. And I know especially today with, like, the masculine women, they act this way.

John [00:09:44]: Sure. Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:46]: So I figured it'd be a good episode because it's. It was off putting, even as a woman.

John [00:09:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:52]: To watch. Because I'm like, I don't even think I'd be your friend because I'd feel like if I didn't agree with you, you would treat me poorly or, like, differently or, you know, have that you're either with me or against me mentality. Which even. What was the. I think the other girl's name is Monica.

John [00:10:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:10:09]: The one that you feel like is the same way. And she is to some degree. But I feel like I called that one early. I feel like Alex, though, was like, we Blatantly saw it because they got into the, you know, altercation. But.

John [00:10:23]: Well, yeah, and it's, it's a more common thing. It's like, there's this fierce independence. It's like trying to prove that you're a big shot. Right? Like, a lot of women have this mindset today, and it only proves that you're immature, right? Because, like, if you have to prove that you're a big shot, that I always said, I've said this many times. If you're like, nobody can tell me what to do. That's the most, the most childish, right? Like, yeah, no one can tell you what to do. So you don't need to say it. Like, you just, you know, you just have a boundary. Like when you're saying it, when you're asserting that and then stomping on other people. And that's what it, what it was. You know, because again, like you said, if the, many of these cases, if the interaction were reversed, it just would. It would seem extremely abusive and inappropriate. Right. If a man, like a woman tries on a hat and a man's like, oh, that's. You're gonna wear that hat. Seriously, that's ugly. Like, or whatever. Like, don't, don't even put that hat on.

Nicole [00:11:23]: Right. He'd be so hated.

John [00:11:24]: Yeah, it would be just. What. Why would you treat your woman like that? You know, but, but, you know, but it's become more commonplace for women to do that and to act that way. And I think a lot of it too is, you know, and I was saying with this girl in particular, a lot of women have not ever been told no. Right? And they haven't encountered. A lot of men are weak today, right? We talk about this all the time. A lot of men are feminine. And so they don't have boundaries. They don't just like in the, in the Love is Blind. The other guy, if I had names, but you know, the bigger guy with the orange hair, with the, the, with the red hair. Gosh, I get curly hair. But he, he, the Monica is the girl that he's with, but he's just like, just lets her say stuff to him and just, he just is apologizing and acting. So he doesn't have any kind of boundaries. A lot of men are like that. And so a lot of women grow up or their experience with men is that they haven't encountered a real man. And so they're just used to getting their way all the time. They're used to being the one in charge, being in control. Right. And if a guy doesn't like it, they're just gonna. They're just gonna hit him with emotional manipulation, you know, in order to, like. So, okay, if you're not doing what I want you to do, then I'm going to be upset at you and I'm going to treat you this way. I'm giving you the cold shoulder. I'm gonna, you know, be even more bitchy to you, whatever it is.

Nicole [00:12:55]: Right.

John [00:12:55]: And. And that's. Yeah, that. That's the problem. That's. It's a. It's a huge.

Nicole [00:13:00]: And I think that starts in childhood, right? Because a lot of people don't have emotionally mature parents, so they learn typically, how to deal with their emotions in the wrong ways that their parents do without even realizing it. Right. Like, it's very hard for a child to become emotionally intelligent with emotionally unintelligent parents.

John [00:13:21]: Right? Yeah.

Nicole [00:13:21]: Like, they would have to figure it out on their own. Right. And I'm not saying. Saying that this. That justifies their behavior, but I do think a lot of people in general learn how to deal with conflict and problems like that in childhood, and they just never reflect on it. And especially women. Like, I get where it's confusing and I get where they get to this point because we are told, you know, be independent, do things for yourself, which in some degree is the right thing to tell women. But they take it too far, like. Like this. And essentially this is like toxic masculinity, like they say, right? Like, this is the female version. It's like women who say whatever they want and they don't apologize, they don't care whose feelings they hurt.

John [00:14:12]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:12]: They tell people what they want, and if they don't get it, then they manipulate or they, you know, stonewall or they blow up and then they don't. Like, they don't know how to. They don't have actual boundaries.

John [00:14:28]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:28]: They're just trying to control the entire situation and be like, I don't need you while needing somebody.

John [00:14:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:37]: Like, I. It's just the extreme version. Like, this is, to me, like, toxic. I wouldn't even say femininity because it's not feminine.

John [00:14:44]: It's just toxic. It's just.

Nicole [00:14:46]: Right.

John [00:14:46]: Like, I don't agree there's such a thing as toxic masculinity. There's just toxic. And that's what it is because it looks the same.

Nicole [00:14:52]: Right?

John [00:14:52]: It's the exact same behavior. That's why that's true. You know, it's. And that's what it is.

Nicole [00:14:56]: But, yeah, Toxic behavior.

John [00:14:58]: Yeah. And. And even I think she had said. And she was like, I get what I want or something like that to one of the responses. And it was just. It's just funny. But. But a lot of it too is just look. Well, like, like, like you were saying, it's not even my way or the highway, because my way or the highway is fine. That's fine. Like, because as a man especially, I will say as a leader, a lot of times you do have to be my way or the highway because that is actually setting a boundary. And you know, not to misinterpret this, but the reason why I'm saying it's not even my way or the highway is because a lot of women in these situations, what they're doing is they're saying that's where it really is controlling is because they're saying, no, it's going to be my way and you're going to suffer the consequences if not.

Nicole [00:15:43]: Right.

John [00:15:44]: It's fine.

Nicole [00:15:45]: Treat you different.

John [00:15:45]: Exactly. It's fine to have a boundary and to say which. Which essentially could equate to my way, the highway, which is. Is to say, look, this. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with someone who does this kind of thing. Right. If you choose to do this thing, that you can choose to do it, but I'm just not. That's not for me, like, you know, anything like that, where you're setting a boundary, that's. That's totally fine. But when you, when your response is, I'm going to punish you if you don't do what I want. Right, Right. Then that is controlling. That's why, that's why also we did a whole episode talking about men being either dominant or controlling and what the difference is between that and we said it was whether you're secure or insecure. And it's the same thing here is insecurity is what causes you to try and control a person because you have consequences if they don't do what you want. Right. Whereas if you're secure and you say what you want, right. And then you're prepared if they are not going to do that or they're not going to compromise, that you're willing to walk away because that's not what you want. Like you. That's a totally different and healthy approach to something. And you can have whatever kind of requirement that you want as you're a human being. So you can choose even if you're like, I. I require people to address me as the, the King of England. Right. It's like, it's pretty ridiculous. But that's. You. You have the right to do that if you want to. You just don't have the right to. To harass people that choose not to do it. Right. You could be like, okay, well, if you don't call me the King of England, then I just don't want to be talking to people who don't do that. It's ridiculous. It's crazy. But it's fine. It's well within your rights. But to say, if you don't call me the King of England, then I'm going to treat you horribly. And yeah, you know, I don't know why the King of England, but I think you get my point, though.

Nicole [00:17:33]: Yeah. I mean, I think to what actually more women than just her on this season and in general, women in general struggle with is that when you get into a relationship, it's not all about you and it's not even all about the man when he is leading, like a relationship, you do take each other into consideration. And that's why her behavior to me would be completely off putting. Because even if you're in a friendship with a woman like that, you don't feel like you're in a friendship. Because even friendship has compromise, right? Like, if you really care about people, there's compromise and you want them in your life and you want to coexist with them. You're not just like, okay, we're gonna do whatever I want, or the other person's like, okay, we're just gonna do whatever I want. Like, you try to balance the scales. You try to even it out. You try to figure out the compromise. Right. And I think that a lot of women in this episode aren't doing that. Like, they're not. They're like, this is how I live and this is how it's going to be. And that is fine if you're single, but it's not fine in a relationship. Like, there has to be consideration for the other person. And you can't act hyper independent and still have consideration for the other person no matter what you say.

John [00:18:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:18:56]: Because if you did value that person high enough, then you would naturally act that way.

John [00:19:04]: Yeah. And you have to choose to be led if you want to have that dynamic in the relationship of having a healthy relationship as a woman. And so it's instead of saying, now I got this. Instead of, instead of saying that, you know, this is what, what, what it has to be, and I, I have to control this situation. And even if a man is not as competent. Right. And you're like, okay, well, I'm more competent. So I have to. I have to take care of this or take over these situations. The correct response is not to do that. It's to say, well, I'm not going to be with the man that I don't trust. That's not right. That I wouldn't, you know, trust each other.

Nicole [00:19:49]: Faith in.

John [00:19:50]: Exactly. If I have to critique him, then it's not. That's not the guy. Right. As opposed to thinking that you're going to. Going to shape him by critiquing him in some way or can get him to conform to your way of doing things. That's not.

Nicole [00:20:04]: Nobody responds that way. Even if a man acted that way towards a woman, she's not going to respond that way. You know what I mean? Like, if he's critical of something that she's doing or she's wearing, like, that's not gonna make her feel good.

John [00:20:18]: Yeah. I think almost that. That some women, they think I'm gonna act like a man, right? Because equality and all this stuff, and they're like, so I'm just gonna. I'm gonna say, tell it how it is. I'm gonna say how it's got to be. I'm not gonna pay attention to what other people want. I'm just gonna do what I want to do. And if they don't like it, that's tough. And. And they think that's acting like a man, but that's not acting like a man. That's acting like a boy.

Nicole [00:20:43]: That's why a dictator.

John [00:20:45]: Well, women are emulating boys instead of men, right?

Nicole [00:20:49]: Well, there's a lot of boys instead of men out there today.

John [00:20:51]: Because that's not it. And even what you said about. It's not all about you. If you're in the right relationship, the man will make it all about you as a woman. But it's different when someone tries to. When a woman tries to make it all about herself. Her. You see what I'm saying? Like, as a man, I want to make it all about you, right? But if you tell me it's all about me, right, Then. Then it's. It's not. It's not. It's not the same. I'm like, no.

Nicole [00:21:18]: Well, women feel the same way. They're like, if a man tells her what to do, she's gonna be, like, defiant and be like, no. So it's like, if someone's like, it's all about me, anybody's natural instinct is going to be Like, I don't really want to be around you.

John [00:21:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:32]: Like, it's just like, honestly, no one's going to want to be around someone that's like, it's all about me. And that was definitely how she was coming across. And you're right, they're emulating this version in their head that they think is the right way to be right. And it's not wrong. This is what I think. Women are really getting messed up.

John [00:21:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:59]: Like, there's a difference between controlling all about me and having self respect.

John [00:22:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:05]: And they think that acting like, no, this is what I want, this is what I'm going to get is having self respect. And in some ways that is. But they're doing it the wrong way. They're doing it the, like, abrasive, aggressive, wrong way.

John [00:22:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:21]: Like how the guy, Tim, I think is his name, how he reacted was the right way.

John [00:22:28]: Right. Exactly.

Nicole [00:22:29]: It's like kind. It's like, I have these standards.

John [00:22:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:34]: I'm not going to accept less than these standards. And if these standards aren't there, I will walk away. I'll have a boundary. I don't have to treat you poorly. I don't have to yell at you. I don't have to do any of these things, but I will walk away. And I think women don't understand the difference between having self respect and pushing it too far and being like abrasive and controlling and all about them.

John [00:22:58]: Exactly. It's like, it's like if you're like, you have ice cream cones. Right. Okay. Because you ought to have one of my analogies. Right?

Nicole [00:23:09]: Yeah.

John [00:23:10]: And you're like, I want your ice cream cone too. Like, I want both ice cream cones. Right. And it's like the response is, no, this one's mine, but you can eat yours if you want. Like, no, thanks for asking, but. But I'm not going to give it to you.

Nicole [00:23:27]: I would say, I want your ice cream cones. Not even asking.

John [00:23:30]: That's. Yeah, well, that's what I'm. But the response, you see, what I'm saying is just like, if you were dealing with a child because the person's acting like a child who is being greedy or selfish or making it all about them, and you're not responding in a harsh way. Right. Which again, like, you're saying that that's what. What he was. He was doing it. Correct. Because he was not getting flustered by it. He was just treating her like she was a child, that he was just blowing it off, not. Not addressing that thing. Not making A big deal of it. Just, just what I'm saying is that you can just calmly, if someone demands your ice cream cone, maybe this is a better way to put it. You don't have to go on a diatribe about how it's yours and how they're mean and how you're not giving to them. You just have to say, no, thank you.

Nicole [00:24:17]: Right.

John [00:24:18]: Like you just have to not do. Because you have that power. Right. And it's when you're trying to exert that power over people to show them that you have that power, that's when you come across as childish, that's when you come across as controlling. That's when you're overbearing. And where, you know, because as a woman, yes, I understand that women a lot of times want to show that they have some degree of independence, that they're not just going to be, you know, mistreated or whatnot. Like you said, having self respect. But the way that you show that you have self respect is that you just, you have a choice in everything. Right. Unless someone's physically, you know, abusing you or has a gun against your head or, you know, it's forcing you to do something, you have a choice. And so you don't have to pontificate about, about it. All you have to do is just, yeah, I'm not, I'm not going to do that. Or, you know, you can make that choice. Right? And so that's the thing about it is like you, you have the power. It's not a question of having the power. So displaying that overtly, that's where you get into trouble or trying to then take that power over other people in order to show that you have your own sovereignty. It's just as simple to say no. You can use the word no.

Nicole [00:25:23]: I think that the controlling behavior stems from a fear of being controlled. Like, it's a fear. And so they're hyper doing it because they're afraid of someone else doing it to them. And like you said, I think if you have confidence in yourself and you have self respect, like you, if you have confidence and self respect, which they go hand in hand because you can't have self respect if you don't have confidence in yourself.

John [00:25:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:25:49]: So if you have those things, like you said, if someone comes up to you and says something crazy, right. Or your boyfriend does something crazy, you don't have to respond by yelling at him or calling him names. You could just be like, look, I don't want to be with somebody who acts this Way.

John [00:26:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:26:06]: Like, that's. That. That is what it is.

John [00:26:09]: And.

Nicole [00:26:11]: I think women have been programmed for a very long time to not want to be controlled. So they're afraid of someone controlling them. And that's why they hate the word submitting. They hate hearing a man leading them. They hate these things. And I'm saying this from a woman who was more masculine before I met you and definitely more controlling. And all of the things that we're talking about here, I was never, like, to that lady's level because that's just like a really immature.

John [00:26:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:26:47]: Sort of like, all about me thing that she's in right now. But I. I can see where women get caught up in all this because we've been told for so long, like, don't let a man control you, or, like, watch out, like, he could do this to you. Or, like, you know, you don't know what this. Like, we've. We're plugged with so much fear.

John [00:27:06]: Fear. Right.

Nicole [00:27:07]: Of, like, a man doing the wrong things. Because there have been plenty of men that have done the wrong things to women.

John [00:27:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:14]: And so I understand the fear, but at the same time, just like this woman's doing Alex to Tim.

John [00:27:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:21]: She is ruining her chances with the actual good guy, an actual guy that will lead her the right way, who does have respect for himself, who will take care of her if she lets go of all this other stuff that she has.

John [00:27:37]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:38]: Messed up inside of her.

John [00:27:39]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:40]: And she doesn't know how to let it go.

John [00:27:42]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:43]: And, like, luckily, with you, I saw by your actions that I trusted you. I trust you to lead my life, our life together. And you also showed me that you care about me to the point where I don't feel like you're just making decisions and you're not taking me into consideration. So there's not that need to, like, button. Like, I'm not saying that. I never have moments where I want to try to control the situation. Like, that's something I feel like as a woman, we're just going to have to work towards.

John [00:28:16]: Yeah. It's always going to be.

Nicole [00:28:18]: Because even if you read the Empowered Wife book by Laura Doyle, she talks about that even the woman who came up with all of these ways to help you stop controlling your husband still tries to control her husband sometimes. So it's like, yeah, I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I'm not saying that the women have to be perfect. But there is a huge difference between how controlling this woman is trying to be of this man. On Love is Blind and how that is actually very problematic. And like I said to the point where I definitely wouldn't date her if I was a man.

John [00:28:50]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:50]: But I wouldn't even maybe be her friend because of how she's acting towards him.

John [00:28:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:57]: And knowing that that's a capability and she would treat me as a friend that way. Like it's very controlling even in that sense. Like you can't be controlling in one aspect and not in the other. Right. So it's again, it's like they are doing it in this toxic like hyper escalated sort of way with the control like there. And it does stem from fear. Like she is very afraid of being controlled and that's why she is very much trying to control every single thing in her life.

John [00:29:31]: Well. And it comes from a lack of understanding of power dynamics. Right. So I'll give you a couple examples. Right. And some men understand this. I think a lot of men still don't even understand this. But I had a call, I had put together this mastermind group of really successful business people, guys that I know. That one guy is running $100 million business. Right. And there was a guy on there that was a very new guy. Like he had done nothing, he was a young kid, hadn't accomplished much in his life at this point. But I had invited him to it then he didn't know the other people that were on this call. And he didn't realize that every single person there was worth at least $10 million or more. Right. And so when we got on the call, he talked to the one guy who was the guy, probably the most famous person on there. And he just started giving him all kinds of advice about how he, like, you know, from, from a standpoint of oh, let me tell you how, how you should do things and, and just lecturing him on life. And the guy that, this extremely successful guy, he didn't, you know, he did not react at all. He just, he just, he was extremely polite and he said, oh no, thank you, thank you for, I appreciate that. And, and he just listened to the guy and he just, he wasn't going to do what he said because the guy was telling him what to do. And he said, yeah, I'm not going to do that. But I, but I do see, I do appreciate you, you giving me that advice and I do see your viewpoint on that. Right. And so he just completely. And afterwards I was like, you know, I talked to the kid and I was like, do you realize who you were just talking to and what you were just saying to him and, like. And he was like, oh. He didn't seem like he was that. And the whole point of it is, like, this guy was the most powerful person in this room by far. Right. Most successful. He didn't find any need to assert himself, because that's what power does. Like, someone who is actually powerful. Right. To actually be powerful is to yield. Right. And so it's the same thing. You know, I've been in situations, kind of fighting situations, and there's certain. You know, there's. I've been in a situation where there is a guy that is a trained fighter that's been, you know, UFC type of like a guy that you really want to. Wouldn't want to mess with. And I've seen this guy in a bar have someone mess with him, and he just. He. He. He's polite. He doesn't. He acts like. He doesn't act at all. He's not like, do you know who I am? I could kick your ass. Like, he. He's not. No, he's just. I mean, if you throw a punch at him, you're gonna get. He's gonna tko. Yeah. He's gonna mop the floor with you.

Nicole [00:32:28]: Yeah.

John [00:32:28]: But up to that point, he is just not gonna assert himself. Not gonna try and show you how tough he is or any of those things. Like, if you're dumb enough to do it. I mean, if you're reading the signs, you realize you. When that guy's not reacting and he's acting calm and cool in that situation, that that guy is a dangerous guy. And so what I'm saying about this whole thing about power dynamics is that I think a lot of women misunderstand. They think by asserting themselves, they think by acting this way, by showing how independent I am and how no one can tell me what to do, and I'm going to tell other people what to do. They think that they're displaying how powerful they are and independent they are, but they're actually doing the opposite because it makes you look weak, because everyone sees through it. Whereas if you're truly powerful, you just stand in what you are and who you are.

Nicole [00:33:20]: Right.

John [00:33:20]: And you don't have to do that. In fact, you yield. Like, yielding is the more powerful thing. That's what a more powerful person does. Because. Because they. Because they know. Because they don't have to display. Like, all that outward display is for you to show yourself. Right. Or to. Or to try and make up, compensate. It's like, you know, we say the. A guy when we see a guy with a big pickup truck, you know, you say he's compensating for something. It's the same thing, like all these overt displays. And that's why it's, it's just not. It's not, it's not accomplishing what a lot of women think that it is. It's actually making them look more weak. Even though they might be getting away with it and they might be running over weak guys with that.

Nicole [00:34:00]: They're not happy even if they do that.

John [00:34:02]: No.

Nicole [00:34:02]: They're not happy with men like that. Well, I actually wrote down while you were talking a similar thing. Like, it's the concept of power that messes everybody up, right? Because this woman's trying to control this man to get him to do what she wants.

John [00:34:17]: Right?

Nicole [00:34:18]: And sometimes men do the same to women. They try to get them to do what they want. Right. And power is not getting somebody to do what you want. It's not forcing somebody to do what you want. It's not whatever way you express it to get what you want. Actual power. When you have actual power, right, it's walking away. It's things that you can do, right. Not what you can force other people to do. And that is walking away. Or like in what you were talking about, like listening but being like, I'm not gonna do that, but I appreciate, like you can still not do what someone is telling you to do, right. And be respectful about it. Right. Or you can, if you have to walk away from somebody, like Tim in the episode, right? He'd be like, look like I care about you, but you cross my boundary. And this is probably the last time we're gonna talk to each other. Right? Like that, that is power in what you can do is power. That's the only way you can have power is in what you can do.

John [00:35:23]: Right? Yeah. And, and, and influence, right? If you, if you influence people, if you can influence people, then you have power.

Nicole [00:35:33]: But how do you influence people? By what you do.

John [00:35:35]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:35:36]: That's what I'm talking about. You do.

John [00:35:37]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:35:38]: Yeah. That's why it all boils down to what you do. And that's why you have to have self respect. You have to have confidence because it's about what you do. And if you're not confident in yourself or what you feel like you're capable of, then you're going to have fear and you're going to try to control people.

John [00:35:53]: Exactly. That's why I tell men, tell a woman what you want and what you don't like. And that's all not what to do what you want and what you don't like. If she's not doing what you want and she's doing what you don't like, you're gone. And that's your influence is because if you're valuable enough, a person doesn't want to do what you don't want, and they don't want to do what you don't like.

Nicole [00:36:18]: Well, they want to respect the person that they care about, and they don't want to hurt them. And that's why also, when she was talking to him, I'm like, you don't. You don't even care about this man. Really. Not really.

John [00:36:29]: Right.

Nicole [00:36:30]: Like, people think they do, but they don't. Because if you did him saying, hey, this hurt my feelings, or, you know, I don't like when you do this.

John [00:36:41]: Right.

Nicole [00:36:41]: Like, you would care about that. You would care about the person that you care about saying those things. And unless it was something absolutely crazy, which I doubt it would be.

John [00:36:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:36:52]: You're going to do that because you care about the person, because that's what a relationship is. It's not just, I'm gonna do whatever I want, and you're gonna do whatever you want. We live together. That's where people are at. And that's why it doesn't work.

John [00:37:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:03]: And that's why it doesn't work at all. That's why it's two people living together, being roommates. And that's why this seems normal to everybody, but it's not normal.

John [00:37:11]: Yeah. And that's what. And we were talking about this last week. That was one of the topics. Was that. Because we were talking about how people oppose all this stuff that we say. They're like, oh, bachelorette and bachelor parties, or girls night out and guys night out are sharing your location. And why do you want to be in a relationship? To restrict someone. Right. Like, I'm going to do whatever I want, and she should be able to do whatever she wants. And it's like, no, that's not how it works. That's not. That's how it works. Yeah. A relationship doesn't work like that. There are rules. There are boundaries. There are things that you do and.

Nicole [00:37:44]: You do not do for each other.

John [00:37:46]: Yeah. And it has to come from that. Otherwise. Otherwise, what is the point? What are you actually doing? You're just. You're just hooking up sometimes you're just living together. Like, what. What is the actual relationship part? Just. You just know someone. You just care about someone. That's not it. That's not what a relationship is. It is. It is two becoming one, which means that you can't just be independent anymore. You can't just be like, I'm gonna go over here and do this, and I'm gonna go over here and do this. Right. If you're two becoming one in a relationship, then now you're one entity. So you now have one set of, this is what we're gonna do, and this is how we're gonna do it. You can't just.

Nicole [00:38:20]: And how do you be one? You have to take each other into consideration. Like, it's not just one person driving the blob of you two as one blob.

John [00:38:30]: Yeah. Well, you do have to have a leader. Right.

Nicole [00:38:33]: That's different, though, than, like, just one person doing all the things and the other person following. Like, even as a leader, sure, you can say the other person's a follower, but that's not how it actually is. Like, the person's leading and taking the other person into consideration. Sure, the other person is following your lead.

John [00:38:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:53]: But at the same time, men can't be also, like, I'm going to do whatever I want because I'm the leader.

John [00:39:00]: Right? Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:01]: Like, it. You have to feel like you're being taken into consideration. And women are afraid that men will just do whatever they want and they have to follow suit. Or men will just tell women what they have to do and women just have to obey. Like, that's the extreme. Again, the extreme versions that these people are afraid of. But that's not the reality. And like you said, if you are. You care about the person.

John [00:39:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:25]: Then you take them into consideration. Like, it's not a second thought. It's not like, oh, I want to do this. Wait, let me think of what. No, you already know. Like, hey, if I want to do this, then so and so might feel this way about it. And I should think about that. Like, it's a. It's built in.

John [00:39:40]: Yeah. Because it's a difference between ownership and stewardship. Right. Like, ownership is, this is mine. I can do whatever I want with it. Stewardship is, this is mine to take care of. Right. And there's a huge difference between those two. And that's why it's like, yeah, if you're a steward of something, like, you're a steward of the relationship as a man, then it's not just, you can do whatever you want. It's you are the one who is making the decisions and setting the direction but you're doing it in regards to the person, you know, to their. To the best interest of the. Of the entity of the relationship, not to your own best interest. You know, that's. Which should be. That should be your own best interest is the interest of the relationship. But.

Nicole [00:40:21]: Exactly. But people do get it mixed up. And, like, women are afraid of a dictatorship and, you know, men are afraid of.

John [00:40:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:40:30]: Being walked all over by women or disrespected and, you know, and so it's all sort of messed up. But I think, too. We talked about this a little bit as well at home. But I think people are messing themselves up, too, with a lot of this, that they think they have a good marriage or a good romantic relationship as long as they're friends.

John [00:40:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:40:55]: And friendship is important, Right. In a relationship. But if that's all you have, it's not a romantic relationship. Even if you're married.

John [00:41:04]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:05]: If you've just gotten to the point where you're friends and you occasionally maybe do something with each other, that's not a romantic relationship. Like, it involves so much more than just friendship. Because, to be honest, and I bring this up because maybe these people on Love is Blind can be friends.

John [00:41:25]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:26]: But a lot of the couples don't have the romantic part. They don't take each other into consideration. Like the couple Garrett and What's her name?

John [00:41:37]: I don't know the name.

Nicole [00:41:39]: Garrett and Taylor. Taylor.

John [00:41:43]: Maybe.

Nicole [00:41:46]: They're so similar. They're the ones that are so similar. No, that's Hannah and.

John [00:41:52]: Oh, I know who you're talking.

Nicole [00:41:53]: I'm talking about the two that are, like, scientists, the physicists, and the other one, like, they come off as friends. To me, they don't. They're missing the romantic part. And a lot of couples are like that.

John [00:42:06]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:07]: And sure, they could live together and they could probably learn to coexist, like a lot of couples do.

John [00:42:12]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:13]: But you're missing the romantic part. And I mentioned that because, like, Alex and Tim. Right. The couple were initially talking about if you really love this man.

John [00:42:25]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:25]: You don't care if he wears the stupidest hat in the world.

John [00:42:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:28]: If that makes him happy. You care about him being happy.

John [00:42:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:32]: Like, or if he keeps saying dog or whatever. Like. Sure. Even if that's like, okay, he keeps saying it and you're a little, like, flustered by it. Like, you love him so much that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And, like, people think, though, that if they care about somebody or they have a relationship, like, A friendship, Right. That is the foundation, like, but they lost the other part, that they're in the best relationship ever. Like, getting married and being in a romantic relationship is more than just friendship. I'm not saying that friendship is not important. It is because it is another level to your relationship that will make it a deeper connection and deeper intimacy even, like with the friendship. But if that's all you have, Right. You're missing the romantic part that also helps with all of these other things. Right.

John [00:43:31]: And how do you get the romantic part? What's the essential to have it?

Nicole [00:43:37]: Don't read smut novels.

John [00:43:39]: No, you have to have the polarity. You have to have the masculine and feminine. That's why if you don't have that, you're going to be friends. Right? That's why, like, yeah, at first it might start off as, as very sexually ignited, but it will fizzle out without the polarity. You have to have that. That's why in the, in fact, in the situation that you described, there's not really a masculine feminine. They're kind of just like, you know, I get the progressive thing is to be like equality, but that's. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It works for friendships, but it doesn't work for relationships. There is no equality.

Nicole [00:44:15]: You're different, monotone, right?

John [00:44:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:18]: Like, yeah. You're like the same and you just do the same things.

John [00:44:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:22]: Because I mean, look at the other couple, Ramses and Marissa, they're. They're like on an equality based thing. Right. And the last we saw is they're arguing over something, you know, and something that she can't change and that he doesn't like. And so, yeah, and I think even obviously, like the masculine and the feminine is our big thing here.

John [00:44:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:50]: On the podcast. But I think in this specific area on top of the masculine and feminine. Yeah, it's respect. Like, that woman does not respect that man, but he respects himself enough to walk away. And so like, he's losing respect for her. Right. Because he's, she's disrespecting him. It's like this whole thing. But respect is the key because also if she respected him, right. She wouldn't pick on him so much.

John [00:45:21]: Right, Right.

Nicole [00:45:22]: Like, even if she doesn't agree, she wouldn't pick on him.

John [00:45:25]: So what should a man do? Maybe we should talk about that. Right?

Nicole [00:45:28]: If he's in that situation.

John [00:45:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:29]: When a man, I mean, exactly what Tim did. Right. Be like, I think he gave her ample amount of time for her to turn it around. Like I said, he was not. The things that she was saying that most people would be like, hey, that's not okay. Yeah, he, you know, gave her, I think, the benefit of the doubt and, like, joked it off.

John [00:45:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:48]: But then when she crossed the line, she crossed the line and granted, maybe instead of blowing it off that many times, he should have been like, hey, you're kind of, like, bordering on. This is disrespectful.

John [00:46:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:00]: Like, he maybe should have gave her a little bit of a warning because maybe she didn't take it seriously because he was kind of laughing it off.

John [00:46:07]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:08]: But I think he did the exact right thing that men should do. And honestly, if you're a man and you would never even watch that show, you should at least watch that episode. I don't. I can't remember which one it is.

John [00:46:17]: Maybe, like, yeah, he demonstrated masculinity pretty well.

Nicole [00:46:21]: Yeah. He handled it very well. And to be honest, like, even a woman, if she's disrespected by the man that she's with or to, like, some degree, she needs to be like, look, like, this is my boundary. Which you have to tell them the boundary before they cross it. Which that guy did. Tim did say, hey, I'm not easy to anger. But if you anger me, that's a big problem, because I'm very, you know, calm, cool, and collected. So if I reach this level, we have a bigger problem.

John [00:46:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:52]: So he laid it out there. And you do have to lay out your boundary. You can't just be like, oh, well, you cross my boundary. And the person be like, you never said anything. And be like, oh, well, it's best.

John [00:47:01]: Not to say the word boundary when you lay out a boundary. It's just best to just say what you think. No, he didn't. I'm just saying in general, because sometimes people are like, this is my boundary. And it's like, now it sounds manipulative.

Nicole [00:47:14]: Well, you have to know what an actual boundary is. Right. And it has to be extreme enough. Well, like you said, I mean, people can make up dumb ones if they really want, but most people have legitimate ones where it's like, if you disrespect me or, like, if it gets to this level, I'm gonna walk away from this situation. And you do have to. You have to explain it. You don't have to be like, this is a boundary. You could be just. Like I said, you know, if. If you are disrespectful towards me, then we will not continue the conversation and then you have to walk away. Like, you have to uphold it.

John [00:47:48]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:47:48]: But I think he handled it very well. And again, even in the discussion with her, he was respectful. He stood on his boundary, you know, he stood on the respect for himself.

John [00:48:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:02]: And like you said, I think we did a pretty good job of explaining how to have respect for yourself and how to do that in the proper way that you don't have to be overbearing or like.

John [00:48:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:15]: Try to act controlling or powerful. You just say, hey, this happened. And I don't tolerate that behavior, so we will not be continuing to be together. And then the person is free to make their choice. But you can't also, as a woman, try to, like, influence his decision or vice versa, you know, like, you have to actually stand on that.

John [00:48:39]: And I would say, because, you know, I thought about this a little bit too, that the. Tim was his name.

Nicole [00:48:47]: Yeah.

John [00:48:47]: So in some ways. Well, okay, so it depends on where you are in interaction with the woman, on how you respond. Right. And so I think Tim's reactions. Right. To her, those were the proper reactions for someone that you're not in a very deep relationship. Yeah. Where you're just like. You just met someone, you're on a first date, you're at a bar, whatever it is, you know, it's. Yeah. Because it doesn't matter. Like, you can say something to me.

Nicole [00:49:20]: Right.

John [00:49:21]: I don't care. Like, you're gonna insult me, whatever. You're gonna act like a. You can act like a. That's like, it's. That doesn't matter to me. Right. It's like I'm. I'm like, you can try and tell me something, but I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. It doesn't matter. Like, I'm not. I'm not reacting to it. I'm not getting upset by that. Right. When. But I think perhaps a mistake that he made, which. It's a really weird thing because they're like fiances. Right. And they just barely met. Right. Yeah, But. And I think he kind of saw this and that's why. But. But it didn't matter because it. At the end, it ended up resulting the same. But if you're a man in a. In a relationship, if you're. If there's any kind of relationship, and the more deeper it is, then when that stuff happens, you can't just let it slide. You don't want to react and get upset, and you don't want to Lose your cool or to be phased by it, where it's like, affects you and. And you're being emotional about it, but you want to address it right then and there so that it stops immediately. Because in his approach, it's interesting because his approach was one where he was just playing it super cool. Right. It didn't matter. Like, he. It. You know, he. It really. There is no indication that some of the stuff that she says affected him at all. And he wasn't being a pushover either. He wasn't just, like, taking it. He was just like. He was just so cool that he was like, it doesn't, like, it doesn't matter. Right. Or you. Right. So. But what happened was that she may have gotten the impression that she could just keep on doing it.

Nicole [00:50:56]: Pushing him.

John [00:50:57]: Yeah, right. Because. Because he was trying to be like, you know, give her a lot of. A lot of grace, a lot of slack, a little feeling out, period. Let her, you know, let her see that he's. Because, you know, maybe he's thinking, all right, well, I'm responding to these tests. It's fine. Like when after she's done this five or six times, she realized she's not going to push me around. I'm not going to move. Right. I'm not going to react to this. Right. But then she kept going.

Nicole [00:51:20]: Right.

John [00:51:20]: And so. So that's where I think in a relationship, you're already in a situation where you're supposed to be together, where now you have to address it as a man and say, hold up. What did you just say to me? Yeah, that's not. I don't like that. That's not cool. Like, you know, do you want to. Did you misspeak? Did you want to phrase that a different way or something? You know, like, okay, all right, you know. Yeah, I don't like that. Right. So that it's very clear what the boundary is and that you're not letting this stuff pile up. But, I mean, at the end of the day, right, it's. I mean, he probably didn't care because he's like, I'm just going to let her do whatever she's going to do. It's not going to affect me. And at the end of the day, I'm going to make a decision whether I want to be here or not.

Nicole [00:52:08]: Right, Right.

John [00:52:08]: So it's like, I don't really. I don't have a horse in this game because if she wants to act this way, I'm just going to let her act however she's going to act. And then, you know, so. So that's. That's where I think it depends on the stakes. But if you're already in a relationship, you don't want to act like that as a man, because you've got to correct the things that need to be correct because you are supposed to be leading and guiding. And if you don't provide that guidance, you just have a consequence. Yeah. Then it's not gonna. It's not gonna help.

Nicole [00:52:32]: I was gonna say, guys really need to listen to what you're saying because. And watch the episode, too. Because I think if they realize that if they remain calm, cool, and collected.

John [00:52:44]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:52:44]: And stand firm, but still be kind and, like, respectful of the situation, they're way more likely to get the result that they want. The second that they, like, also yell or they call her names or they try to belittle her is the second a woman gets afraid, oh, he's going to always act like this. I don't want to do that. And if. Or like, either I don't want to be with him.

John [00:53:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:08]: Or they're going to try to be more controlling because now they're afraid that you're controlling and aggressive and those sort of things. So if you come at it the way that he did, in the way that you're talking about.

John [00:53:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:18]: You're way more likely to influence your woman, for sure.

John [00:53:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:21]: And in the positive. And if you are the leader of the relationship and you are the masculine man, you. I understand this is asking a lot, but you're the leader. Like, you have to lead by example.

John [00:53:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:38]: You cannot do the wrong thing.

John [00:53:40]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:41]: You cannot yell, you cannot belittle her. You cannot handle any sort of problem like that the wrong way and expect to not be held accountable for that. Because if you're accountable for everything in the relationship, because you're the captain of the ship, you're accountable for when you handle things the wrong way, too. And I get that that's putting a lot on men, but you can't have it all. And then when you make mistakes, not own up to those.

John [00:54:06]: Right.

Nicole [00:54:07]: So that's why I think it's very important for men to realize that. Yes, you do. In the face of even an altercation or a situation.

John [00:54:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:17]: That you have to be calm, cool, and collected. And you have to be respectful.

John [00:54:20]: Right.

Nicole [00:54:22]: Even if you know you're hurt by whatever the woman's saying or things like that, because you are leading by example. And you will influence the woman. And either. And also, too, you will have known that you did the right thing.

John [00:54:33]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:34]: And you'll have confidence in that. And then you'll also get to see how she responds to that. Because there are some instances where if you do everything the right way and you're respectful and then someone's still blowing up on you and being disrespectful, you're like, look, yeah, it's easy. It's like, hey, okay. Like, she always responds this way. It's probably not gonna change. And I've held constant to being respectful.

John [00:54:57]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:58]: Like, I'm sure that's what Tim's dealing with. Right. Like, I highly doubt that's their last altercation. And even though she was like, you disrespected me, to be honest, when she was describing it, granted, I know they edit these shows that she was choosing to call something disrespectful that probably wasn't really that disrespectful just so she could say she was disrespected because she was talking about, like, you didn't leave me alone so I could deal with it. That's not being disrespectful. Like, it's really not. Like, I get you can ask for some time in the right way, but I doubt she asked for it in the right way. She was probably just like, leave me alone. I don't want to deal with you right now. And then he was probably like, no, let's work on this. And she called that disrespectful, which is not disrespectful.

John [00:55:37]: No.

Nicole [00:55:37]: But all I'm saying is if you do the right thing, right. And you remain respectful, you'll also have the boost of knowing that you did the right thing in this situation. And you have to, like, I'm not saying that you won't make mistakes, but also, if you're the leader and you make a mistake, you should also be coming to them first and be like, hey, I messed up here. I will do better next time. Because you have to as a man. You have to promote confidence in yourself as a leader to a woman. And I'm telling you that even a woman like her, that type of man like Tim is. Is the only man that will. That could influence her to be different for sure.

John [00:56:13]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:14]: Or either she has to figure it out on her own.

John [00:56:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:16]: It's either she figures it out on her own, or she has a man like that guy where he will walk away and she'll be like, crap, that was actually a really good guy and I messed it up and try to Fix it. And she might even not be able to fix it. And to be honest, if it's as bad as he's acting like it is in that episode, it's probably not fixable.

John [00:56:36]: Yeah. The truth is, most women will not learn this until they meet a real man.

Nicole [00:56:41]: Right.

John [00:56:41]: And then, and then they'll learn it and then they'll realize that, oh yeah, this guy's not, he's not just going to take this and just be here.

Nicole [00:56:48]: Which is what women want. Like, they act like they want men to do whatever they want. They don't. Because I was also that woman that I was like, you know, this is my way. And you know, I was controlling and I was independent. I'm like, I want him to do whatever I want, you know, sort of thing. Right. But then I was. If you really think about it, that isn't what women want.

John [00:57:07]: No, it's not.

Nicole [00:57:08]: Because you want a man that can stand up to you. That's also why she wasn't like, okay, I'm done with you. She was like, I'm so sorry. Hugging all over him. And he's still like, I don't know if I want to be with you. Because he's like, his boundary got crossed. Right?

John [00:57:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:57:22]: So he's, he's like, I should be walking away. And he had enough, like, thought into it that I believe that he would have upheld his boundary. I know that he didn't. But he also put enough emphasis on it where I thought he was potentially not going to go back to her. But you can tell that she respected that because she clung to him.

John [00:57:43]: Right? Exactly.

Nicole [00:57:44]: If she really was disrespected.

John [00:57:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:57:47]: And had self respect for herself.

John [00:57:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:57:49]: She would have been acting like him and been like, actually, I don't think, like, we can do this because you disrespected me. But he really didn't.

John [00:57:57]: Right.

Nicole [00:57:58]: And so she was clinging to him because he was upholding his boundaries. He was having respect for himself.

John [00:58:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:58:03]: And you have to do that, like, you have to, to be able to walk away. You have to have these boundaries as a man. You have to be the role model and the leader to have the influence. And women do want that, no matter what they say.

John [00:58:21]: No, I, yeah, I know they do.

Nicole [00:58:22]: Want that because they already feel like they're so tough and strong. Right. And they have these boundaries and they have this self respect that they don't want to walk all over you even if they act like they do.

John [00:58:33]: Right. Women want a man who put them in their place and then they want to tell that man that they don't want him to put them in their place. And they don't like that and they don't find that attractive. But then they want him to not care that she said that. It's a lot.

Nicole [00:58:49]: That was very love is blind explanation.

John [00:58:52]: But it is true, if you really think about what I'm saying is that a woman really secretly does want a man to put her in her place. She does not want to acknowledge that. She will not acknowledge that. She will adamantly oppose that to that man, but she wants him to do it anyway and to not be influenced by the fact that she doesn't like it or that she had the surface level because she needs it. Right. And it might seem harsh, but it's not meant to be harsh. And it shouldn't be done in a harsh way. But a woman has to be checked. And if she feels like a man won't check her, she doesn't feel safety. No one would feel safety if, if you don't feel like you're going to be checked from, from time to time.

Nicole [00:59:32]: And it also makes you feel like your man's being honest with you. Because just like the guy with Monica, how does he actually really feel? Because he's just agreeing with everything that she's saying.

John [00:59:44]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:45]: If a man is like, hey, like, that wasn't cool. He's telling you the truth.

John [00:59:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:59:50]: And even if it's a hard thing to hear, he's telling you the truth. And you're right, it should still be in like a respectful way, kind way to bring things up. Like, I think when people freak out over words, so saying, like, put her in her place. I get what you're saying.

John [01:00:05]: I get it.

Nicole [01:00:06]: But it's like, it's being honest and it's being. It's telling her the truth even when that truth might be hard for her to hear.

John [01:00:12]: Right.

Nicole [01:00:13]: But again, if you do it in the right way, then you don't have to worry about being perceived in a negative way. And even if she's upset about it, she's. If you do it in the right way, she's less likely to have any sort of negative response or she'll come to you more vulnerable being like, hey, I'm. I'm really sorry, like, I didn't mean to do that. And she might talk to you about, you know, why, like, what triggered her or something like that. So doing it in the right way is key. And again, it goes back to, you do have to do it as the leader. You have to do it in the right way.

John [01:00:49]: Well, and, and, and I just have a coaching client of mine that I was telling him about how essentially you're going to have situations because everything is. Is fine and dandy now, but you can have situations where you're going to say something, she's not going to like it, she's going to be upset about it, and you're going to have to be okay with that.

Nicole [01:01:08]: Right.

John [01:01:09]: Because if you then back down or you change your mind because now she's upset, like, if you honestly change your mind, as a man, you should, you shouldn't be stubborn. Right. Change your mind. But if you change your mind because now your woman is upset with you, that's not, that's not trustworthy. You can't. That's not authentic. That's not a person I can trust.

Nicole [01:01:31]: Right, Right. It's like you're easily swayed.

John [01:01:33]: Yeah. If I, if I have someone who's coaching me and they tell me this is what you should do, and I'm like, no, I don't think so. And they're like, okay, well, I guess you're right.

Nicole [01:01:42]: Right.

John [01:01:43]: I like, I don't. How am I trusting this person to give me advice or to lead me in any way? Because they can't even. They can't deal with me being upset with them.

Nicole [01:01:52]: Right.

John [01:01:52]: They're just gonna change their tune. There's like. Is that really. Do you really believe it this time? Is this really true? You just changed what you said, you know, so. So that's the thing about it is a man has to. And like you said in that. In that show, one of the guys who's a big guy, right, he's an ex military, you know, tough guy. And at first he seemed to be very amiable and, and just a pleasant person, which I think he is, but he's actually just a pushover is what he is. Right? And it's very apparent. And that's not the way to act either. Right? So guys, in that situation, there's two things I would say is one, you cannot be a pushover. You do have to set boundaries. Like I said, easiest thing is to tell women what you want and what you don't like. That is clear. You don't have to get into debates and arguments about all that stuff. It's what you want and what you don't like. Right. And then, and then when you are in the situation, just like you said, handling correctly is brave.

Nicole [01:02:49]: Right?

John [01:02:50]: Right. B. Okay.

Nicole [01:02:53]: Do you remember it? I know.

John [01:02:56]: I got, I got it.

Nicole [01:02:57]: I got Brave. All right.

John [01:02:58]: I just gotta be right. Breathe. Start by breathing. Stay calm. Because if you get emotional, then nobody's going to be logical and no. No communication will happen. So first step is breathe, right? B, R, Resist defending yourself. Even if she's attacked you, resist it. Don't defend yourself. Don't. Just. Just stay calm. You'll get to the. That and then. But once you start defending yourself now, you've. You've lost your credibility. And now you're not gonna. She's not gonna be listening. She's gonna be defending herself back or whatever it is, right? Okay. A is assess the situation.

Nicole [01:03:40]: Wait.

John [01:03:40]: E, B, R, A, Breathe.

Nicole [01:03:44]: Oh, brave. Sorry.

John [01:03:46]: Trying to knock me off my game. Right?

Nicole [01:03:49]: But you said breathe in the beginning.

John [01:03:50]: Brave. Yes.

Nicole [01:03:51]: Okay, sorry.

John [01:03:52]: So A is assess the situation. Right?

Nicole [01:03:55]: Okay.

John [01:03:55]: What is she actually feeling? Why is she acting the way that she's acting? And what does she want to feel, Right? What is it that she. She needs in this moment, right? She needs to feel loved, right? Why is she doing this? Right? Because again, even if a woman's being controlling, she's doing it for some reason, right? Is it because she feels like she needs to prove her own independence and that she's afraid that. That you're going to control her? Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be rational, but it is. You assess the situation, okay? V is for validate her emotions. So now validate whatever it is, that's the emotional thing that you analyzed and let her know that you care about how she feels. Not necessarily agreeing with her, not even agreeing with her behavior or what she did, but validate that. What she feels that you understand and you do care about how she feels. And then finally, is E. Educate. That's where you provide the correction if needed. And to say, look, this was not cool the way that you said this. Don't talk to me like this again. That's not the way that things should be handled now. She's gonna be much more receptive to the educate part. Whereas if you start off with that, it's just gonna be a shit show. It's not gonna. It's not. You can't just say, hey, don't talk to me like that. That's not. It's never gonna work like that. But if you've done the other things, and then now you're providing the education, now you're being respectful, now you're being calm. Now you're not, you know, you're not trying to prove yourself or assert yourself, right? Because at the end of the day. Right. Who has his own self respect, that if you're doing all these things and you're trying to educate and she's not having any of that and she's still acting, then you're just not going to be there. So you don't need to educate someone who doesn't want to be educated. You don't need to control someone who doesn't want to be controlled. You don't need to do any of that stuff because you know that ultimately when you handle things that way, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't show you respect at that point. But you have to get to the point where you are making it. So there's no loophole where she can be like, oh, well, you did this or you said this or you acted this way and that's why I did that. It's like, no, it's clear, it's been laid out. You did all the right steps as a man. You acted respectful and calm and you tried to fix the situation. But it's the same thing in parenting. Right. In the sense that you know this as a parent. Right. There's no point, like when a child is being defiant, arguing with you, whatever, doing whatever it is, you just say what. You don't have to argue back. You're the one who, if you're, if you're a person in power, you can just, you can just say what it's going to be.

Nicole [01:06:48]: Right?

John [01:06:48]: Right. The fact that you're trying to argue back or trying to like get into a power struggle.

Nicole [01:06:52]: Well. And you still have to validate first because they're not going to hear you.

John [01:06:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:06:57]: And then you educate after that. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, so that makes sense. And I feel like we can't end this without talking to women. And I think they do need to let go of the controlling reigns a little bit. I know it's not going to be perfect and I get that when you're single you do have to be independent and you do have to control your life.

John [01:07:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:07:22]: But if you allow it to get too far or you're, you're self absorbed, trying to act like you're confident and you're more cocky, you don't, you're actually just living from fear and instead it's like making you this toxic version because that's where it comes from. Like she's, she's afraid of being controlled probably she's afraid of being judged or she maybe struggles with how she perceives herself and so she's coming off overly confident and to the point too. Because overly confident people typically do try to control or they're like, you know, my ways, the right way. Like, you have to learn how to actually value yourself. And to be honest, you can't do that as a woman if you're not actively working on who you are are as a person because you're not gonna actually obtain confidence in yourself and have self respect if you're doing the extreme version like of the controlling and. Or being overly confident or being like, it's all about me or like it's gonna be this way or I'm not gonna do it or whatever. Like, you have to live from a place of self respect where these are your standards. And if someone doesn't live up to those standards or whatever, or isn't doing those in whatever situation you're in, you're gonna wish them well and you're gonna leave. You're not going to try to control them. Like you're never gonna be able to control a man or even another woman by acting the way that this woman's acting like. And a lot of women think that they are because men have become so people pleasing that they're like, oh, I am controlling him. So they're like, oh, it's working. I have this power.

John [01:09:15]: Yeah, you might have puppet man that you could do that to, but not a real man.

Nicole [01:09:18]: Well, that's why they're not actually happy.

John [01:09:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:09:20]: Again, anyway. Because they aren't being faced with someone being actually honest and like having a actual honest conversation with them. And to be honest, if you're that far into the toxic like controlling and things like that, or it's all about me. Yeah, you're not going to put up with that. But that's also like you're missing out on the good thing. Actually. Yeah, that's kind of hard to like explain. But just don't go into the super toxic, super controlling, super, you know, all about me road. Like, be independent when you're independent. And I understand like the Nikki D. Guy that Hannah cannot put her faith in that man.

John [01:10:10]: Right.

Nicole [01:10:10]: Then she cannot, instead of trying to be with that man and try to control him into the man you want or try to teach him by being like, do this right. Let that man go. He's not for you.

John [01:10:22]: Right.

Nicole [01:10:23]: That is having standards, that is having boundaries and that's also being kind, being like, hey, I just don't think we're compatible. I wish you the best, but we wouldn't work out. That is how you be even as a Woman, you can. You. That is controlling what you can control.

John [01:10:37]: Right.

Nicole [01:10:38]: And that's all you can focus on. You can only focus on what's on your sheet of paper. And the only thing that you can control is not how a man acts, not what he does, not what you're going to force him to do. It's only what you do.

John [01:10:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:10:50]: And if the man is not a man or the man is not conveying the things that you want in a relationship, then you wish them well and you. You move on. You date other people. And women shouldn't be afraid of the right man leading their relationship. Like, I understand, again, that women fear controlling men. I understand because in past history, you know, women were abused and nobody really knew about it and things like that. But these days, women and men are abused. And it's because we've got it all sorts of wrong in all the ways that we've talked about on this whole podcast. But, like, seeing a woman act like that Alex girl was acting. You don't want to be that woman. You don't want to be a woman that people in general don't want to be around. Men definitely won't want to, but people in general won't want to be around you if you're acting like everything has to be what you say. Because you're so controlling and you're so critical and you're so, like, putting everybody down for the things that you don't believe in.

John [01:12:02]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [01:12:03]: And you can control your life without acting that way. And it's having self respect and it's having boundaries, and it's also having the intelligence, emotional or even just normal to understand that if you're with a man that you trust, he takes you into consideration, he cares about you, and he shows you that he doesn't just say things. Because I know a lot of these women, too, are afraid that men have just been saying these things and they're trying to see it. You need to trust that you can follow the lead of this man. And again, men, you do have a really hard job of. There's not a lot of room for error. Like, they will give you chances if you make mistakes, because we're all human. But you really have to do the right thing.

John [01:12:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:12:56]: And I think you've explained how to do that very well. And women, you need to allow the man to do that. And you will have the polarity and you will have the romance and friendship that make a truly fulfilling relationship.

John [01:13:12]: Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you 100%. It's harder to do or to recognize and that you're doing it than most people realize. But yeah, and the thing is, if you don't make those changes, then you will push away the only men who could deal with you because they just won't want to. Otherwise, you have some pushover guys that will deal with it for a time.

Nicole [01:13:44]: But it won't be a good relationship. Like, it won't. Like, again, you won't know if the guy's telling you the truth. You don't. You won't know if he's going to stand up for you.

John [01:13:54]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:13:55]: Because you're not allowing him to stand up for himself. You're just steamrolling him.

John [01:13:59]: And what I think a lot of these women don't realize, like on this show, for instance, is that they're used to getting away with this and doing this. And in this situation, a man is going to make a choice whether he's going to go forward or not.

Nicole [01:14:13]: Right.

John [01:14:13]: And it's just not going to work. Like, you can't. If you're already in a situation and you've got someone by the balls and you do this and you control them and manipulate them, they're going to feel trapped. And yeah, they might do what you're saying and back down to all the time, but when it comes down to a guy's got to make a choice, like, am I going to go up to this altar and he's just going to not do it? Because why? Why would he do it? He's got no incentive. So that's the thing is, like, it may have been working up until this point, but if you really want a guy that you really want, he's not gonna. He's just gonna realize that he has a choice. So.

Nicole [01:14:49]: Right, people. Okay, I have to say one more thing.

John [01:14:51]: Okay.

Nicole [01:14:51]: To end this. People, because we talked about this, act like they want to live their life. Right. Like they want to be independent. They want to do what they want.

John [01:15:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:15:02]: In a relationship, that is not freedom. That is not being who you actually are. In a relationship, the freedom that you have is to be authentically yourself and to speak your truth. That's the freedom you have.

John [01:15:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:15:19]: You don't have the freedom to do whatever you want because you should take other people into consideration.

John [01:15:23]: Right.

Nicole [01:15:23]: And you don't have the freedom to just boss people around or be like, it's my way or the highway or whatever like it. You do have to compromise and you do have to take the other person into consideration, but you always have, and you should always have the Freedom to speak your truth. And men should be able to do that too, like we've talked about. And women should as well, respectfully, because you respect your partner and to be authentically yourself. And that's liking what you like. Like that guy wanting the hat. Like, you should be able to buy whatever hat you want and your partner not make you feel bad for it. Like, that's the freedom you have in a relationship. You should feel free to be yourself truly and feel like someone loves you for who you truly are. And that includes being able to speak your truth and how you actually feel and feel like that person still cares about you and cares about your opinion.

John [01:16:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:16:20]: That is the freedom you have. Not the freedom to do whatever you want. Not the freedom to like, go on girls trips because you want to or thing and not care what your husband thinks about that or whatever. Like, it's the freedom to be who you are. And if you try to tell me that girls trips are who you are, then you got a whole nother problem. But that's the freedom that's in a relationship. It's not the freedom to just do whatever you want that be single if that's the freedom you want.

John [01:16:46]: I agree. Yeah.

Nicole [01:16:48]: So that's all I gotta say. Well, we don't have any.

John [01:16:52]: We have nothing for our knock on wood.

Nicole [01:16:55]: I'm never knocking on wood after you did that one to us that one time.

John [01:16:59]: I know, jinx us. I've jinxed us more than once, but.

Nicole [01:17:03]: Yeah, you have. That's why I'm just gonna knock on. Thank God this table's work.

John [01:17:08]: Well, if you don't know what we're talking about, you can watch Love is. I mean, I think it still makes sense even without watching the show, honestly. But, you know, so that's true. But that we always watch the Love is Blind show because it's just got so much, so much good information about.

Nicole [01:17:23]: Situations that you see TV show. But people deal with this in real life too.

John [01:17:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:17:30]: So.

John [01:17:30]: And if you want to be on.

Nicole [01:17:33]: The podcast or want us to talk about your topics or situation.

John [01:17:38]: Yeah. What's the email?

Nicole [01:17:39]: Better than Perfect podcast. Gmail dot com.

John [01:17:42]: That's right. And you can leave us a review. Please leave us a review so we can.

Nicole [01:17:47]: I'm about to leave us a review just so it's not banana fingers, but hey, again, we appreciate banana fingers, but yeah, it's time for something new.

John [01:17:58]: All right. Yeah. Maybe next season we'll do a live stream of the episodes, figure that out so we can.

Nicole [01:18:05]: So you can watch us talk about it live, which is maybe not the best idea, but it will be.

John [01:18:11]: I'll be. I'll. I'll.

Nicole [01:18:13]: It just gets more and more, like, fake, though, in some way. I. Maybe it's just this season, but it's very, like, scripty to me.

John [01:18:23]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [01:18:24]: Well, it's all situations are.

John [01:18:26]: It's also where. This is also dc, Right? Is the. So, like, the area.

Nicole [01:18:32]: I went to dc.

John [01:18:34]: Yeah. But I'm just saying it's. It's a little bit more wokeish, and so everyone's trying to say the right thing.

Nicole [01:18:42]: I do agree with that, that everybody's.

John [01:18:44]: Doing therapist talk, battles between each other and just who's the most.

Nicole [01:18:50]: There's a lot of weaponized therapists talk, which I hate.

John [01:18:53]: Like. Like that real talk.

Nicole [01:18:55]: Right. So it doesn't have any substance. That's why when we're watching it multiple times, we're like, what did they even just say?

John [01:19:02]: Yeah, yeah. Just a lot of fluff, fluffy stuff.

Nicole [01:19:05]: Yeah.

John [01:19:06]: All right, well, that's it. We'll see you next week. Take care.