John [00:00:00]: You have to think about how to tell a woman something romantic but not scaring her away by being like, I could get lost in your eyes forever. Like, do you want to go to Vegas tomorrow and get married? Like, you know, you have to, like, kind of toe the line. You're flirting romantically.

Nicole [00:00:17]: Exactly. Like, if you say, you know, I just. I love the curve of your neck. It's like art, you know, it's like, you know. But that's a compliment. That's not. You look beautiful.

John [00:00:28]: I'd be like, are you calling me Quasi Mobile?

Nicole [00:00:31]: Quasi. Yeah, I just. Beyond the perfect we discover through our.

John [00:00:36]: Flaws we complete each other Better than.

Nicole [00:00:40]: Perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other equals one better than perfect relationship.

John [00:01:01]: You got it. That's the best few times it's been like, what?

Nicole [00:01:07]: I was ready this time.

John [00:01:08]: So practicing in your head.

Nicole [00:01:10]: Yeah. But trying to think what was going on this week? I guess not. Not too much for. For updates, for small talk stuff, but.

John [00:01:23]: Not that I could think of.

Nicole [00:01:24]: Yeah, we're back.

John [00:01:25]: Besides that, we did an interview, our first interview on someone else's podcast channel last week right before we recorded ours. So we'll have to post that when it comes out.

Nicole [00:01:39]: Yeah. If you guys know of places where you'd like to see us interviewed or.

John [00:01:45]: Podcast, spam them in their comments and tag us and be like, we want to see John and Nicole on there and.

Nicole [00:01:52]: Exactly.

John [00:01:53]: Yeah, we'll make it happen. Hopefully.

Nicole [00:01:55]: Yeah, we'll wave our feet and make it $0.

John [00:01:58]: We'll show and we talk about everything. You know, we don't hide stuff. So.

Nicole [00:02:03]: So. So it's my week this week, and I was gonna do the episode on, like, how to romance a Woman, how to romance a man. Or I mean, the equivalent of that. Like, it's. I call it romance, but other people call it.

John [00:02:18]: Most people wouldn't.

Nicole [00:02:19]: Sexually enticing, but are seducing. But I think it's better to just split it up because there's enough stuff to say about romancing a man or romancing a woman. There's enough stuff to say about seducing a man that those can be two separate episodes. So today will be the Romancing a woman. How to romance a woman. What do guys need to know about romance in a relationship and outside of a relationship, but informing a relationship. So, yeah, that's the topic.

John [00:02:50]: Are you. Is this. You're throwing the ball to Me. You're like, there's the topic. Go ahead, Nicole, you're the woman. Tell us how we romance.

Nicole [00:02:57]: So, okay, let's start off with what the guys don't know about romance. Like.

John [00:03:02]: Yeah, I was gonna say frustrating a lot about romancing because you do the things the right way that most women want a man to do it. But you also know people who don't know how to romance.

Nicole [00:03:14]: Yeah.

John [00:03:14]: So that is true. You know, like, I get. And it's hard. I understand it's hard for men because I feel like when they are being romantic or showing their partner, their girlfriend, their wife that they care about them, guys are. Especially if they, like, post something about it, they're like soup, you know, which. And then to women, they're like, no. Like, that is what makes us feel good. But then they see another guy be like, simp. And then they're like, am I doing something wrong? You know what I mean? So I think a good. Just along those lines, I think a good way for a man to look at it is to be a gentleman. Like, a gentleman is a man. Like a manly man.

Nicole [00:03:58]: Right.

John [00:03:59]: But he does, like, the chivalrous things, like holds the door open and pulls her chair out and, like, tucks it back in when she sits down. And like, you know, those sort of things, they come from, like, a strong standpoint rather than, like a weak, like, I hope she likes me standpoint. And I don't know if that fully makes sense. Yeah, no, that makes sense because, like, I get that it's just a bunch of words, but maybe you have a better way of putting it into more detail so people can understand. But there's a difference between when a man is, like, romantic or chivalrous. And it comes from strength.

Nicole [00:04:35]: Right?

John [00:04:36]: Strength.

Nicole [00:04:37]: Yeah.

John [00:04:37]: Rather than weakness.

Nicole [00:04:39]: Right.

John [00:04:40]: And I think that's what men need to focus on in regards to, like, the SIMP stuff or, like, being romantic and being afraid that, like, they're going to be called a SIMP or whatever, because. And most men who are gentlemen and doing it right, they're not afraid to be called a simp because they are strong in who they are and what they're doing and being a man and showing respect and love or honoring the woman that they're with.

Nicole [00:05:06]: It's interesting, too, because I think the SIMP thing comes from men trying to eliminate their competition by discouraging men from doing the things that women like.

John [00:05:18]: I agree with that.

Nicole [00:05:19]: But it's the same way as slut shaming. Like when a woman wears something or something or is attractive. Other women are like, she's a slut. Or, you know, they, like, that's what they'll say in order to discourage her from doing behaviors that would attract men. Right? So.

John [00:05:35]: Well, see, that's complicated. Cause I feel like guys. And you've said similar things like don't go out and be promiscuous as a woman. Like that. So it's like, that's almost a little confusing because.

Nicole [00:05:48]: Well, I'm not saying being promiscuous. I'm just saying, like, women will.

John [00:05:51]: You're saying they're like, jealous.

Nicole [00:05:53]: Right? Women will see an attractive woman and say, she must be a slut.

John [00:05:57]: Right? Or try to bring her down. Okay, that makes more sense. Cause it seemed like, like we were saying, like a simp doesn't really matter because you're doing the right thing.

Nicole [00:06:04]: Right?

John [00:06:04]: You used the woman slut thing. So that's why I was like, confused. But that makes more sense. Like a jealousy thing. Like when a guy calls another guy a simp, it's because he's jealous that he actually has somebody to care about and love. And they don't have that and they're upset, and so they're doing that. And women, when, you know, they see a woman who is getting a bunch of guys, they'll try to tear her down because they're jealous that she has these options.

Nicole [00:06:30]: They're trying to eliminate competition.

John [00:06:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:32]: By making it so the other person doesn't do the.

John [00:06:33]: I mean, I agree with that, but.

Nicole [00:06:35]: Yeah, but the romancing. Well, I mean, I guess the. I mean, I agree with you on the gentleman side of it. And it's like not being weak, but being chivalrous and doing it because you want to do it not. Which also means that you're not caring if people call you some. Something about it. But what. I mean, I. I suppose it's worth saying, like, what. Why are guys not romantic? Or what's, you know, what do guys get wrong? Or like, I mean, are guys generally romantic? Is that, you know, what's the.

John [00:07:09]: I mean, I feel like there's multiple things, but I feel like there's not a lot of romance. Or like, on the other side, which we'll get to in another episode, this seducing or desiring a man because everybody is afraid to care too much. So men aren't romantic to a certain level because they're afraid to care too much. And women don't do all the things that they used to do when they first met a man because they're afraid to Care too much or put too much in. Everybody has an exit plan already, which is messing them up because they're not ever fully like, giving their all and being vulnerable and like doing things for the person they care about. Does that make sense?

Nicole [00:07:57]: Yeah, exactly. No, that's exactly right.

John [00:07:58]: Yeah. So I think it's like, I think everybody wants to be romantic and to show the person that they're with and that they love that they do love them in all these different romantic ways. But it's like we've talked about in other episodes. It's like everybody has this backup plan though, at the same time.

Nicole [00:08:17]: Yeah.

John [00:08:17]: They're in these 50, 50. They got their secret savings accounts. They're ready to just go if they need to go. That they're afraid to do too much, you know, and that's maybe more so like in the beginning to invest too much. Right.

Nicole [00:08:32]: Yeah.

John [00:08:32]: And then I think though, the people who are missing the romance and things like that on the other end of like, they've been married for such a long time is that they've just gotten so comfortable and they stopped doing the things that they used to do. And that's caused this like, complacency, this like stagnation or there's been a built.

Nicole [00:08:51]: Up bitterness between so.

John [00:08:53]: Right. Or resentment that's never been talked about.

Nicole [00:08:55]: So what about like, though, I guess where I'm trying to go first is the dating. Like, guys in general that maybe that you've dated in the past or that like, have you found that guys or that you've gone on dates and they don't understand romance. They don't.

John [00:09:14]: Yeah. I mean, I think that. I think most men don't understand romance. And when you find a man that does.

Nicole [00:09:21]: Yeah.

John [00:09:21]: Like, you're like, oh, like he gets it. You know what I mean? And you can't really teach a man to be romantic because I think one of the most romantic things that a guy can do is to do something for you or like give something or like something along those lines, give you something or do something for you that he noticed that you like.

Nicole [00:09:46]: Right.

John [00:09:46]: Like, you do this right. And like, that means more than just like, don't get me wrong, like getting a woman flowers or, you know, opening her car door. Those are all romantic things and they still matter.

Nicole [00:10:00]: Right.

John [00:10:00]: But the ultimate romantic thing that a man can do is to do something for a woman that she didn't necessarily ask for. It's not like a generic thing. It's that like, oh, you noticed. Okay, I'll give an example. Because You've done plenty of things. And I appreciate your romantic. Like, it's. You're the most romantic man that I've ever met, and I'm very lucky woman. But I used to watch these TikTok videos of this lady who makes these octopus jars. And like, you surprised me with an octopus jar and I got to like, pick out my own thing or like, there's plenty of other things that you just notice about me, right. That I'm like, just doing or like, in my everyday life or our lives together. And then you, like, surprise me with something like that or, you know, or you take me somewhere that you heard me talking about that I wanted to try or something like that. And that's the most romantic thing, because it's not even necessarily about the thing that makes it romantic. It's about you caring enough to pay attention to her. Because a lot of women don't feel like men really pay attention to them.

Nicole [00:11:12]: Right.

John [00:11:12]: You know, and that shows her, like I said, it's not necessarily about the thing. Thing.

Nicole [00:11:19]: Right.

John [00:11:19]: It's about that you, without being told.

Nicole [00:11:22]: Right.

John [00:11:23]: Like, paid attention and listened and made a mental note.

Nicole [00:11:27]: Right.

John [00:11:27]: And then did the thing in some sort of way or like, tried to do something to show her that you paid attention to that, if that makes sense.

Nicole [00:11:37]: Yeah. And that's why it's such a big deal when guys forget anniversary, birthday dates. Like that is because it's the opposite of showing that you paid. It's not paying attention because women get pretty upset about that and guys many times miss the dates and, you know, classic forgetting the anniversary, you know, something like that. But the way that I think, you know what you just said, but the way I define romance is really thoughtfulness, like being thoughtful about the other person. That's why it also applies to men as well. Right. But I mean, we'll talk about it in the context of men being romantic to women, but the. The real idea behind it is being thought. Thinking about that other person anticipating their needs. Like, you know, that's why it's like. Yeah, it's not automatically romantic to buy flowers. If she's allergic to flowers, for instance, it would become an unromance. Like, it's actually an unthoughtful thing because you didn't pay attention to this fact. And it was not something that she wanted. Right. Or if she just doesn't like flower.

John [00:12:50]: Or buy her favorite flower. If she has a favorite flower.

Nicole [00:12:53]: Exactly. Yeah. But it's because it is romantic if it's something that you're doing because you know, that that's something that she's going to like. Um, you know, the same thing with getting a gift. You know, it's not just, I bought an expensive gift. I got you a new computer. Like, well, I'm gonna.

John [00:13:12]: But it's like, you know, throw something in there that I struggle with. I know women struggle with. That's the Christmas stocking.

Nicole [00:13:21]: Oh, yeah.

John [00:13:21]: The wife's Christmas stocking. And like, when I was with my boyfriend that cheated on me a long time ago, he. He was the type of guy who didn't put anything in my stocking. I put all the stuff in his stocking. Like, we were young, but I was like, what the heck? And then I was like, I had to tell you to do it. Like, that just seems weird. And we'll go more into this in this episode because it is important to talk about. Like, you do have to communicate your needs, but there are some things, too, that are just seem pretty obvious.

Nicole [00:13:53]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:13:54]: You know, unless you guys talked about it and you're like, we're not going to put anything in each other's stocking. Sure. Nobody puts things in the stocking or whatever. Or if you do it, it's because you wanted to just go out your way and do it. But, like, there are countless dads out there who'd never put anything in their wife's stocking.

Nicole [00:14:13]: Yeah.

John [00:14:13]: You are not one of those men. And you are so sweet for, you know, thinking about me, and you put things that, you know, I like, again, very thoughtful things, into my stocking. So it's like, you know, there are tons of men who don't even think about that sort of thing, let alone, like, taking their woman out on a date or their wife out on a date or. And making that special, because I feel like those sort of guys, too, in my mind, probably don't even make the date very romantic. You know, they're like, well, I took you on a date, right? That's the romance. It stops there, you know, and it's like, it's hard to believe that a man who puts nothing in a woman's stocking is doing anything else, like, thoughtful for her, if that. That makes sense. Because it's. Yes, it's a little thing, but it also shows that you're not thinking about her. And then it makes me feel like, well, when else are you not thinking about her sort of thing?

Nicole [00:15:08]: Well, let's talk about the dating side of it, because I think that's good, because it's. Where does it start? Because most people when they think of romance, they think about love, they think about sex, they think about that type of thing. Not filling a stocking, but I mean, filling a stocking is actually a big part of it. But at the dating side, because I know a lot of guys have trouble with this. This is something I've coached several guys on. How do you be romantic? And it's like, yeah, they don't know. It's tough because a lot of guys don't even understand that all how to do that. And it still is exactly what we said, right? So it's like you said, a date. I took you out on a date. Is that romantic? It's a nice restaurant. What's romantic is a date where you've planned out everything. Maybe you figured out a place that she likes to eat. You have some activity. You're like, okay, and you've got an evening plan. It's like, well, we're going to go to this restaurant. We're going to take a stroll around the lake over here behind the boathouse, where I'll show you my dark secret. Just kidding, just kidding. I was just doing lyrics from the.

John [00:16:12]: From what?

Nicole [00:16:13]: That's, you know that song?

John [00:16:15]: No.

Nicole [00:16:17]: Behind the boathouse. I'll show you my dark secret. Take a walk.

John [00:16:22]: Not ringing a bell.

Nicole [00:16:24]: Okay, you'll.

John [00:16:24]: Who is it by? You don't even know. You just know that one part, don't you?

Nicole [00:16:28]: Yeah, I just know that one part. But, but anyway, I mean it's romantic if you have like, you know, something planned.

John [00:16:34]: Well. Because you thought about it, which makes it. Thought, right?

Nicole [00:16:38]: Exactly. That's, that's exactly. But, but if you, you know, if you do a dinner and then you've got something else planned, like something, or it's like, I planned this table that's going to have. We're going to go at 5:30 because sunset is happening. It's like, it's the thoughtfulness of the thing that makes it romantic. And then the way that you talk and treat the person right, treat the woman on the date. I think a lot of guys are afraid that they're going to come across as too sappy and, and it's, it's kind of a balance, right, because you don't want to just be like, oh, you're so beautiful. I, I'm just so glad you're on a date with me. I just, I, I feel like I'm falling in love with you already. Like that would be bad.

John [00:17:24]: Red flag, right?

Nicole [00:17:26]: But to say things like, you know, just to be like, wow, just getting Lost in your eyes, you know, it's like that, or you're making me feel. I always tell guys, it's like, tell the girl about how it's making you feel, right? Because that's. Because if you think about it, right. What is poetry? It's like, it's telling about how feelings and emotions and. But specifically how this woman makes you feel. Right. When you're talking about a romantic poem, right? Why is that romantic? So it's like, you know, it's talking about, how does it make you feel as you know to be? You tell a woman, she's beautiful, okay, that's great. But you tell her that you just. She takes. It's making it hard for me to breathe. Like, you're taking my breath away, you know? Then that's.

John [00:18:15]: And, like, don't get me wrong, it's. It is a nice thing to tell a woman she looks beautiful and things like that, but it's also kind of like a generic response. It doesn't take much thought to be like, you're beautiful or you're hot or whatever, you know? Like, those are very, like, immediate thoughts. Like, they don't take a lot, but being like, I could just get lost in your eyes. You have to think about that. You have to think about how to tell a woman something romantic that you're interested in her without being like, I love you. Let's get married tomorrow.

Nicole [00:18:45]: Right.

John [00:18:46]: You know what I mean? You have to, like, walk that fine line of, like, giving her a unique compliment.

Nicole [00:18:52]: Right.

John [00:18:52]: Or like, a poetry compliment, but not scaring her away by being like, I could get lost in your eyes forever. Like, do you want to go to Vegas tomorrow and get married? Like, you know, you have to, like, kind of toe the line. And it's. That's also part of being flirty, but you're doing it in a romantic way. You're flirting romantically.

Nicole [00:19:12]: Exactly. Like, if you say, you know, I just. I love the curve of your neck. It's like art, you know? It's like, you know. But that's a compliment. That's not. You look beautiful.

John [00:19:24]: Are you calling me Quasimodo?

Nicole [00:19:26]: Yeah, just. But you know what I'm saying? Like, something pointing out something that, like, in an artistic way. Right.

John [00:19:34]: A more unique compliment than just the generic, like, yeah, you look nice. You could be like, I really love the way that your shirt accentuates your bulging muscles. But, you know, I'm doing that to you. But, you know, same thing with, like, something.

Nicole [00:19:52]: Yeah. Tell a girl, I love the way your shirt accentuates your bulging muscles.

John [00:19:59]: Don't do that, please.

Nicole [00:20:01]: But, but yeah, so you know, that's, that's the, the big thing is, is, is coming across in that way where again, it's, it's all based on this idea of thoughtfulness, right? Because it's like paying attention, noticing details, right? That's, you know, pulling out her chair at the restaurant, ordering for her, you know, you know, by asking her what she wants and then telling the waiter so she doesn't have to talk to the waiter so that you're, you know, you're, you're making it easier for her. Like being thoughtful about those, those things, those are the things that make romantic. And again, a lot of guys think that by doing some of this stuff then they become a simp or the woman doesn't like them as much because.

John [00:20:40]: He'S, he's too nice or complimentative or, you know, but that's not the case. Like a woman wants, like you said, like somebody who's thoughtful because women pay high attention to detail. A lot of women do. That's like a characteristic of a lot of women. And so when she feels like a man is paying high attention to details about her, right. That is a surefire way to get her into you, potentially into your bed.

Nicole [00:21:10]: Yeah.

John [00:21:11]: Like, I'm not saying do it just to like manipulate people, but I'm just saying that like, if she feels like you're invested in her and you're really paying attention to her, that's just gonna draw her to you even more.

Nicole [00:21:25]: Well, because there's two ways to get a woman into bed. One of them is to attack her self esteem so that she seeks validation from you. And the other one, which don't do that, which is to romance her so that she wants the connection with you so that she feels special. Right. That she wants to, you know, that there's a depth to the thing. And a lot of guys get it wrong because they do the first one, which it works. However, it's not gonna get you. It's not gonna get you a satisfied customer. Right? That's where if guys are afraid of me too and stuff like that. That's where now the woman the next morning is like, I shouldn't have done that.

John [00:22:08]: You can get something sustainable off of that, right? Because you're tearing somebody down to get what you want. And if that works out in the long run, it's almost like you have to maintain that to maintain the connection. And that's where a lot of toxic relationships come in and things like that. That just cannot make it. Like you can't have intimacy with someone who's tearing you down just to keep you close.

Nicole [00:22:31]: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You have to keep that up the whole time because as soon as you give that validation, gone person's got what they need. So. But. But that's the thing, is that the romance, like, if you truly understand, you know, and I was coaching guys for a long time on how to pick up girls, you know, at bars and nightclubs. And I'll tell you the romance part of it, a lot of guys are like, what this. This seems like not the. Right. No, that's. I mean, there's other elements, but that romance part of it is. Is key because that is what is actually going to make a woman fall in love with you, want to be with you, you know, But I would.

John [00:23:07]: Say that maybe a man can't even be romantic unless he's confident in himself.

Nicole [00:23:12]: Yeah, it's true. Just. Well, you know, it's funny because we're not going to get to this one on this episode, but a woman can't be seductive unless she's confident in herself or it can be confident in being seductive. Right. So a man trying to be romantic has to be confident. Right. Just like a man trying to be dominant in the bedroom has to be confident. If he's like, get on the bed. I guess it's like, like, if you want, I'm. I'm. You're mine. I can do whatever I want with you. Okay. Like, it's like, yeah, all right. But if he's like, get on the bed. You know, then confidence. So. But as far as the romance side of it. Yeah. That has to be carried off with. With. With confidence as well, because you have to feel like you're. You're doing this and, and you're. Because it creates that charm element of it. Right.

John [00:24:03]: Well, you have to be confident in what you're doing. It's not like you're not doing it to just get something from a woman. You're doing it because you want to do it. And you are a man who, you know, is using the romance to make her feel good about herself so in turn, that you could get closer to her.

Nicole [00:24:22]: Exactly. And it's kind of funny, I like what you said about the woman feeling like you're paying attention to her. Because one of the things I tell guys all the time is read romance novels. I've read quite a few romance novels to get some research back in the day, because I was like, if you think about This I don't understand why guys don't read romance novels. Because, all right, women are obsessed with romance novels. I don't know one woman that's not obsessed with romance novels that likes to read romance novels, at least almost every woman. And so it's like this is not only the thing that they love, that turns them on, right? This. So it's. It's sort of the secrets of. Of attracting them. And it's right there. It's like women are. It's literally like if you're like, I wonder what type of food squirrels eat. And squirrels are just like grabbing nuts and you're like, I don't know, I don't know how to figure that out. It's like, well, there it is, right? Like you know exactly the bait to use because it's right there, right? So that is the bait. So. So. But if you read a romance novel, right, pretty much any romance novel, it always follows the same exact format because there is a genre and there is a way that works. That's why they exist. And it goes like this, right? And every romantic comedy kind of goes the same way, right?

John [00:25:45]: Enemies to lovers.

Nicole [00:25:47]: Yeah, well, it doesn't always have to.

John [00:25:49]: Be a lot of it though.

Nicole [00:25:51]: Okay, so the women usually in romance novels also, she's usually not described as super attractive. She's usually described as having some good features, but not stunningly beautiful. At least she doesn't think of herself that way. So that's the key. And then you got the handsome guy, but he's a bit of an a hole. He's brutish, doesn't seem like he cares about anyone but himself. Something about him, that. Which when you look at that element of it, what it means is that he's not a people pleaser. He's a rebel. He goes his own way, he does his own thing. Usually he's a billionaire or a cowboy or some kind of thing that is high status.

John [00:26:34]: He's influenced by those sort of things, Right, right.

Nicole [00:26:37]: So then what happens is they meet, they don't initially like each other. She thinks that he's full of himself or whatever it is, right? And then somehow they have to interact or work together or something happens. And then he starts to discover how special and unique she is. And the key of it is that he is this hard guy, whatever, maybe not in touch with his feelings, but with her it's different. She is the only woman that exists in the world. He has to have her. There is no woman like him. He discovers that and then she realizes that Underneath this brutish exterior, there's this heart of gold. He's truly like the most caring, the most sacrificing hero, even though he appeared to be selfish and all these things because he just doesn't let people in easily. And then they get together and they have sex and all that stuff. And then there's always a trilogy. So the next one is her son or whatever. The family carries on. But. But the point is with the romance novel is what is actually happening is you have a woman, okay, seeing an alpha male, essentially, if you, you know, I don't like the term, but whatever.

John [00:27:57]: Confident man.

Nicole [00:27:57]: Yeah, confident man.

John [00:27:58]: Because he's confident in his decisions, he does what he wants to do. Because I don't want to necessarily say asshole, because we did a whole episode on the asshole thing. Like, that's not gonna attract a woman for the right reasons. If you're, you know, this is about romance, right? So it's more about he's confident in himself and the decisions he makes. And he's not going to, like you said, allow outside influence to kind of like sway him from those things.

Nicole [00:28:22]: Right?

John [00:28:23]: And so that gives him this confidence that when he does turn into a romantic person, he doesn't view himself of like, oh, I'm being too, like, suck up to this girl, like, I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing. He actually realizes how much he cares about her because he wants to do these things for her.

Nicole [00:28:43]: And it's something he's not used to. He doesn't do this for every girl. It's only this one girl because she's so special. You know what I mean? His desire, his focus is concentrated on her. But the story goes, she finds this alpha male and. And this Alpha male ends up being in love with her. That's what it is. And that women want to conquer the Alpha male with their pure love. Like, she's so lovely, she wants to change, touches his heart in such a.

John [00:29:20]: Way that she wants.

Nicole [00:29:22]: And so her dream man, right? And so how does that apply to men dating women and being romantic? Simple. You have to be, first of all, the strong man. You have to be the alpha male. You have to be confident. You have to be a guy who is sure of himself, that has that. And then you can't be giving away your candy to everybody. You can't be just like, I love this girl. I love this. This is why you would be a simp if you're following a bunch of girls on Instagram and you're liking their posts, right? Because you're just giving away your validation, your compliments to every or you're commenting. Heart emoji, tongue emoj like on like. That's why that is sympathy. Like a woman's now not gonna see you as romantic. Cause she's like, this guy is just desperate. He's sex starved. Like that's what it's gonna come across.

John [00:30:11]: He's throwing out all these lines to see what fish he can catch.

Nicole [00:30:14]: He's thirsty. You know what I mean? That's what is gonna come across as those derogatory things. So if you're a confident guy, you're not giving out your candy to everyone. And then you treat a woman like she's the only one in the world. Even if it's you're dating other women or you're going on lots of dates. Every date that you go on, that woman that you are on a date with, you should be treating her like she's the only woman in the world. Like there is no other woman. Like giving her that full attention, your full presence and the thoughtfulness. Even if it's not going to go anywhere, even if you're not going to date her in the future, you're creating this experience, you're crafting this experience for her that is an unforgettable experience that she's never going to forget in her life. So the idea is that you are giving her that. She knows when she sees you that you're this confident guy because you're coming across that way. She might even think, just like the character in the book, maybe this guy's a little bit of an asshole. He seems a little bit, maybe a little bit stuck up or a little bit too sure of himself, a little arrogant maybe. But then because you're treating her like the only woman in the world, she gets that feeling of this guy that doesn't just give his candy out to everyone, is giving it to me because I am, I'm special. You know what I mean?

John [00:31:30]: Like, he sees that. I would say also too, that for me feels like it'd be a good way for men to vet women. Because I guarantee it's going to feel the most natural with someone that you really care about and you're really into. When you are trying to romance these women, like it'll come more naturally and that's probably the woman you should focus on. Like you said, it's about the guy wanting to do things he doesn't do for other women, for this one woman. So if you feel that as a man that's A good sign. You should probably pursue that woman.

Nicole [00:31:59]: Exactly.

John [00:32:00]: And, you know, fulfill some of the, you know, romantic things that you have in your mind. Like, and that's a reality. Like, there's plenty of people, you hear where they're like, oh, you know, when he was with me, he didn't do anything. But then he went and got a new girlfriend. He does all the things that I wanted him to do. Yeah. Like. And vice versa. You know, women do the same thing. So it's like, guys can use that to kind of vet the women. If you're. If it's easy to be romantic towards her and it feels natural.

Nicole [00:32:30]: Right.

John [00:32:31]: Then that's probably a good woman for you. Unless she starts, you know, doing something that throws that off. But that means that you are more invested in her and that you pay more attention to her and it'll be easier for you to love her.

Nicole [00:32:43]: Right, Exactly. Yeah. I agree 100%. And a lot of guys would complain about kind of what I'm saying. Saying, well, you can't. That's not very good game. But the thing about it is that.

John [00:32:57]: You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Nicole [00:33:00]: If you're doing it the right way. If you're being desperate and you're just being a nice guy and you're just, like, trying to. People, please. Trying to get her validation. Desperately getting her to like you. Just showering her with compliments. Right. Those are not thoughtful things. Right. It's just like flattery. Like, you know, people know when you're being flattering, when you're just throwing out compliments that you don't really have a depth of meaning to there. That's why. Specific things, but actually connecting with the depth of your. And expressing how a woman makes you feel. Those things. That is seduction for, you know, to seduce a woman. You know, you think about the. You know, the. What's it? The Don Juan or the, you know, the great, you know, famous seducers of. Of time. Womenizers. They. They treat women in this way, you know, and that's kind of a lost art. Like, guys think now, oh, I'm just gonna be like, super cool and jerk. You know, be a jerk. And. Yeah, like I said, that method. Does that work, you know, some of the time. Temporarily. Yeah, temporarily. But a woman's not like, wow, he was so wonderful. I just can't. I got to tell all my friends about him. He's so amazing. A woman tells her friends was like, I don't know if he likes me or not. He's really Hot. But he's like, you know, she's now telling a different story. She's like, she's trying to get the validation not, you know, not like, wow, you know, amazed by. By this guy, that he's charming and whatnot. So, yeah. So I think that's, you know, the key thing for. For guys on dating is to act like. Like, read the romance novel so you understand how it goes. And don't worry about coming across as, you know, too much of a nice guy, because if you have confidence and you do these things, it's not going to come across that way.

John [00:34:42]: Yeah, I'll give a guy a tip to be thoughtful, but with game. Right. This is my girl game coming out, but I'll give it to guys, too, because it's good for everybody. Like, if you're using the dating apps, which a lot of people do, actually read their profile and open up with something about their profile or about one of their pic pictures.

Nicole [00:35:02]: Yeah, yeah.

John [00:35:03]: That shows that you cared enough to look through that and get to know them a little bit.

Nicole [00:35:10]: Right.

John [00:35:10]: Before you just straight up message, message them. And that's gonna go further with women because women know at this point that men are just swipe yes on everybody.

Nicole [00:35:21]: Yeah.

John [00:35:21]: So if you open with like, hey, what's up? Or like, wow, you're really hot or something, like, she's already, like, you know, kind of lost interest already. But if you open with something about her profile or like, oh, I don't know, who's cuter, you or your dog or something, you know, like, because she has a dog picture, you know, like, that will take you so much further.

Nicole [00:35:42]: Yeah.

John [00:35:43]: Than the genericness. And it is maybe not being romantic, but it's being thoughtful. And like, we talked about, like, the thoughtfulness means a lot to women.

Nicole [00:35:53]: Right.

John [00:35:54]: So that's a little tip.

Nicole [00:35:56]: Yeah, I agree. That's a good one. And I was thinking about, too, the Titanic scene. Right. The Jack. Paint me.

John [00:36:05]: Paint me like one of your French girls.

Nicole [00:36:07]: That's it. Paint me like one of your French girls. Right.

John [00:36:09]: Or draw me.

Nicole [00:36:09]: I mean, that's considered a very romantic scene, right? In Titanic. Totanic. Why, though? Because he is, like, nervous and, you.

John [00:36:23]: Know, because he likes this woman.

Nicole [00:36:25]: Right.

John [00:36:26]: You know, and he's like, he doesn't want to mess it up, like, with the other women that he drew is probably like, you know, business, whatever, you know, like, I mean, it's a naked woman in front of a guy, so I'm sure he was somewhat interested, but he likes her for more than her Body. And he's. She asked her to do this thing, and he's almost nervous, you know, because she even says something about him being nervous.

Nicole [00:36:46]: Right.

John [00:36:46]: It's because she means more to him and there's more on the line, and he wants to be. He wants to encompass her in the way he envisions her.

Nicole [00:36:56]: Exactly. Right. So there's a lot of thought in this thoughtfulness and this idea of, like, the focus being on her.

John [00:37:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:37:04]: You know, women want the focus to be on them. That's why women get so upset when guys are looking at other women. Right. Because that's. They want to be the center of the. Like, they're, you know, the. They want to feel like the. The world stops for this man, for her, you know, the world stops her. Yeah.

John [00:37:24]: Would a guy get mad if a woman's staring at another guy?

Nicole [00:37:27]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:37:28]: So it's normal.

Nicole [00:37:29]: Yeah, yeah. It just doesn't happen as often.

John [00:37:33]: That's. Well, women aren't as visual creatures as men.

Nicole [00:37:37]: Yeah.

John [00:37:38]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:38]: But. But, yeah. So that's. I mean, that's. I think that's on the dating side. The main thing is I was trying to think of other. It's hard to explain, too. That's the thing I found, is that it's hard to teach a guy how to be romantic on a day because a lot of guys will take that and then they'll be, like, gushing. Like, I just told this girl, I just, you know, I'm ready to have.

John [00:38:00]: Children with her, start a family. Like, on the first date.

Nicole [00:38:04]: I think I'm in love with her. You know, it's like. But the reason why that doesn't work is because you. There's not enough depth. Like, if. If you. If you're just suddenly in love with this girl and there's not any depth behind it. Like, if you're. You're professing your love for her, how beautiful. You know, it's like.

John [00:38:19]: It's like, what do you feel like it's about her. Right. It feels like it's about. You're just ready to settle down and do something. Some hidden motive.

Nicole [00:38:27]: Right.

John [00:38:27]: You know what I mean?

Nicole [00:38:28]: It.

John [00:38:28]: Like, the romance should always be about the person.

Nicole [00:38:33]: Right.

John [00:38:33]: Like, and not about rushing into a relationship, if that makes sense. Try to focus on things about her rather than things of like, oh, I could see our future together. Because even though that's not. Let's get in a relationship, think that's the same.

Nicole [00:38:49]: Yeah. She needs to think, I can see our future together. You need to paint the picture of the future. And then she's like, oh, I can see the future. Right. So it's like you're romancing a girl. You. Instead of telling her, I can see our future together, you are giving her a taste of what it would be like to be with you.

John [00:39:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:39:08]: We're gonna travel, we're gonna like you. That's why women are attracted to kind of your lifestyle too, a bit. Or the things you talk about, oh, I love to travel.

John [00:39:16]: Or that you'll pay attention to her and that you'll admire her for not just her looks but other things about her.

Nicole [00:39:23]: Right? Yeah.

John [00:39:24]: Like it should be about who she is when you're complimenting her. Romantic wise. When you're dating, it shouldn't be about like our future until you guys date enough.

Nicole [00:39:33]: Right.

John [00:39:33]: Where you guys are moving towards actually dating. Then you can be more of like, you know, romantic in the way of the relationship. Like, you know, I see us together and, you know, that sort of thing. But not on the first dates.

Nicole [00:39:47]: Yeah. So let's talk about a little bit in, in the relationship part of it. Right? So.

John [00:39:52]: Well, that's where I feel like a lot of people are like, it goes because like a lot of people, they're like, we had the romance in the beginning and then it's gone. And that's for multiple reasons.

Nicole [00:40:02]: Yeah. And I think the biggest one is taking each other for granted to agree. So it's like a guy. And women do it too, but a guy generally is where the complaint is, is that he got the woman gifts, he took her to nice restaurants, he gave her compliments, he like, you know, you know, give her massage. And I was like, he was very, very caring and seductive and very patient with her when they were first dating. And then now they're in the relationship and he's watching the football game or playing Xbox and ignoring her. Forgets the birthdays and doesn't take her out on a date. Doesn't, you know, you know, doesn't treat her like a lady. Like he's still romancing her. Right. Like he still hasn't got her yet. And that's, I think the key of it is, if you can think of it, if you're in a relationship, that means, hey, you got that far. Good. So now that means you have the skills to go back and say, what if I didn't have my partner?

John [00:41:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:41:04]: Right. What would I do in order to.

John [00:41:08]: Or what should I do to keep her?

Nicole [00:41:10]: Well, yeah, yeah.

John [00:41:11]: Like, not like you're doing it just to keep her, but like you know, what if, you know, she is. Loses interest. And I'm not saying to do it because of that. Like, it's complicated because I think you do need to be like, I care so much about this person, and I have then and I do now, that I need to continue to show them that in this way that makes them feel loved.

Nicole [00:41:35]: Yeah, well. And what I think in my head, okay, is I constantly think, okay, how can I give you the best life that I could possibly get? Like, what things could I do today? What things could I do that would brighten your day or make you feel loved or feel like. Because maybe I'm just crazy and just. But I think in my head, like, are dramatic. I'm dramatic. But I think in my head, I'm like, this is her one life, her only life. And she's like, if she doesn't experience these things now, if you don't give them to her, no one will. Cause you're married. So, like, you'll be gypping a person of the thing that they could have had and they'll never get if you don't do it right. So, like, I up the stakes in my mind because I'm like, this is not just a day or a week or a year that's passing by. This is a life and experience that will not be had if I do not step up and do these things. So. So that's how I think of it, you know, is like, I don't want to deprive you of the amazing. I want you to have the most amazing love that you could possibly have in your life. Right? And most amazing experiences. And so if I do do that, but if I have that mindset, then I'm thinking of those things, and it's like, it's small things. It's things that, you know, I'm like, oh, I could do this, you know, and it would make. Make you happy or make you feel right. Whereas I think what ends up happening is a lot of guys end up being like, if I do the dishes.

John [00:43:10]: She'Ll have sex with me or take out the trash.

Nicole [00:43:15]: And then it becomes actually not romantic. The opposite of romance, because it becomes transactional. I'm looking to bargain with you, right? But it's not a upfront bargain. It's a covert contract. So I think in the relationship, for the man, he needs to really be thinking about, how can I make her day better? How can I do things that she's, you know, I'm thinking of when I hear you say something, you know, this Concert, I make a note. I mean, I have a list of things, you know, sometimes. Or I have a mental note at least. Or I might send myself an email to go and research this thing or go look up this thing because you said something about this thing. You know what I'm saying? So. Because I know that and because I think part of the thing, too, is it's like everyone knows this, is that if someone does something that you would like without you having to ask for it, if they read your mind, if it feels like they read your mind, that's kind of the best feeling ever. It makes you feel the most loved, the most cared for, right? So it's like, yeah, no one can really read your mind, but there's hints being dropped all the time. And we always get upset when people don't pick up on our hints, but we feel great when people pick up on our hints that we didn't even try to hint. You know what I mean?

John [00:44:31]: That's a key. But I do think, like, you are still saying it out loud. It's just, like, in casual conversation, and you're, you know, taking those little pieces and writing them down, which is important, but it feels like a surprise because, like, I'll just mention something in casual conversation and maybe even forget I said it.

Nicole [00:44:51]: Right?

John [00:44:51]: But then you wrote it down, and then you remember. So it does feel like you're, like, reading my mind. Because it wasn't like I was like, I want a new purse, John. And then you show up with a new purse. It's like, oh, this purse is cute, but I'm not gonna, you know, do that right now or something, you know? And then, like, months later, you might surprise me with it or something. That's. And it still feels like a surprise, though, because it was like a passing thought.

Nicole [00:45:13]: Exactly.

John [00:45:14]: If that makes sense.

Nicole [00:45:15]: And it can be things that you never even said, or, like, it's like if you know a person really well, then you know what they would like. You know what I mean? And so you do those things without having to be asked. And. And then that is amazing. Right?

John [00:45:28]: So, yeah, I mean, it just, like, it can be bad when people start to think, oh, you should be reading my mind. And I don't want people to get that thought because that leads to a lot of problems, actually. Like, you can't read my mind. You don't know me as good as I thought you did. And then now you're in a whole different, you know, now you're further away from each other because now you're Arguing rather than romance, you know, so you.

Nicole [00:45:51]: Should attempt to be the mind reader. But you should never expect someone to read your mind.

John [00:45:55]: Right.

Nicole [00:45:56]: It's like, it's nice when someone knows.

John [00:45:57]: You want to try because you care. Like, you said, like, you care. And I think, too, that's like, maybe men, and obviously women, too, you need to realize why you care so much about this person, why you married this person. I think that is, too, also why you think about me is because you care so much about me. And you're like, I mean, it shows from what you just said of, like, I want her to have this in this life. Like, when is she ever gonna have it? That shows how much you care about me. And so I think if people focus on, I care about this person, I married this person, I have a family with this person.

Nicole [00:46:33]: Yeah.

John [00:46:34]: Like, why wouldn't I want to be romantic? Or, like, do certain things? And, you know, I'm not saying that you have to do things all the time or a certain amount of frequency, but, like. And it doesn't even have to be a thing. Like, for women, the thought is usually enough.

Nicole [00:46:49]: Right.

John [00:46:49]: Of the thoughtfulness.

Nicole [00:46:50]: Exactly.

John [00:46:51]: You know, because like you said in the beginning, like, if you're just so. Flowers at her candy, and then she's like, you know, I. These are really nice, but I don't feel, you know, loved by you. You're going to be like, well, what the hell? I got you flowers. I took you on a date.

Nicole [00:47:07]: Yeah.

John [00:47:07]: It's because it's not, like, the thought behind it. And a lot of times she wants to be closer to you, or you're missing, like, the thoughtfulness of it.

Nicole [00:47:16]: Right. Or if you've even got, like, you know, even if a woman says, I wish you'd be more. More romantic, you're not very romantic. And then you're like, okay, you get flowers, and then you light some candles. And then. And you. And then you're like, okay. And then. And then, you know, you're expecting something from that. And then, you know, and then you're like, I did what you said. I was more romantic. And you've got that attitude where you're like, okay. Because then you. Because the reason why a lot of times a woman's not reacting to the flowers and the candles or the dinner or whatever is because she knows. She suspects, her intuition that you're just doing it to check the thing off the list to get her off your back. And then she's going to test you a little bit to see by not being like, oh, that's so romantic. Because she doesn't, she's not convinced it's romantic yet. And then as soon as she puts any kind of resistance and you're like, I can never please you, you're never happy, then the gig is up, the jig is up, she knows what you're really about. You were just trying to appease her as opposed to actually being thoughtful. And that's where the problem. So when you're being romantic, you can never be like expectation that the other person's going to respond, that the woman's going to respond. You're doing it because you care about her, you love her, you want to show her a good time or give her an experience. Not because you need that reaction from her. Because hey, if all of a sudden you're like, oh no, if it feels like you're checking off a list, just doing something that you're supposed to do, that's the same thing as like it's anniversary or birthday, I better buy a gift and buy a card. Buying a gift and buying a card, it's good that you remembered. But that's not romantic because you're just doing the thing. Especially if it's a gift. It's like you get her something she already has or something, you didn't pay.

John [00:49:06]: Attention that she already had it.

Nicole [00:49:07]: Right. So it's like you have to think it's not just about the gift, it's about the thoughtful. You get her something that she would like, that she's talked about something or.

John [00:49:16]: That you pay attention. Like during the other times, like you said, make a note, email yourself, have a note on your phone, like frickin write it down if you have to like pay attention throughout the like mundane times. And then you'll have plenty of ammunition, you know, woman wise of what to get her. Like women talk all the time about what they want. Like we buy stuff.

Nicole [00:49:39]: Yeah.

John [00:49:39]: Like you'll have plenty of things. But I do want to say for women, you need to work with your man. Like and maybe in the beginning you do have to tell him some of the things that you like.

Nicole [00:49:52]: Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah.

John [00:49:54]: And don't automatically get mad at him.

Nicole [00:49:56]: Right.

John [00:49:57]: Because he just, it's not that he just doesn't care. I mean sometimes that is the case, but it's usually easier to tell when a man just doesn't care versus he doesn't know how to be romantic.

Nicole [00:50:10]: Right.

John [00:50:10]: So you know, that is something that I feel like women should give a guy a little bit more grace. I'm not Saying, let him off the hook, but help him. Like, help him in a loving way. You know, if you're loving towards him while you're trying to help him do this thing, it'll bring you guys closer together and he'll be more motivated to do the right thing, to start writing stuff down, to be more thoughtful.

Nicole [00:50:35]: Right.

John [00:50:36]: Like, they just. A lot of guys just don't get this unless they've learned it one way or another. And they already kind of know, and now they're like, better at it. It's like, you know, something that they learned and they had to exercise the muscle to, like, keep the muscle, you know. So I just wanted to say that because I think women, a lot of times, they get really upset and they don't realize that men just genuinely don't know how to naturally be romantic. And, you know, it's normal for us because we're all about love and connectedness and feelings and emotions. But men don't necessarily know, you know, specifically. And I do think they might be trying when they do the things that don't necessarily have thought. So you do have to see that, like the glimmer of them even going out and doing that.

Nicole [00:51:27]: Putting some kind of effort. Yeah.

John [00:51:28]: As a step in the right direction and praise that, you know, give him a shit sandwich. You know, tell him like, wow, that's really thoughtful that you got me these flowers. You know, my favorite flowers are lilies, just so you know, for next time. But it's still really thoughtful that you got me these flowers. That's a shit sandwich right there.

Nicole [00:51:47]: Yeah.

John [00:51:48]: You know, you're hinting at. Yeah, these are my favorite flowers. You know, these flowers are beautiful, but these are my favorite flowers.

Nicole [00:51:54]: Exactly.

John [00:51:54]: And then that should make him more motivated to remember that.

Nicole [00:51:58]: So.

John [00:51:58]: So then the next time he gets you flowers, he'll get you your favorite flowers. So that sort of thing. Obviously, you know, when someone just doesn't care and they're not really trying and you need to have a different conversation. But it is important as we get into this and as we get into the next, you know, like women seducing men that like where people are coming from.

Nicole [00:52:21]: And I'll say, like, you know. Well, it's funny. Cause in the book that we were reading that Love and Respect one, there was an example where the guy always forgets the woman, the wife's anniversary, their anniversary. And then this year he doesn't forget it. And he. 10 year or something, he actually gets her a card. Right. Every other year he's forgotten it. And she opens up the card and it's the birthday card. And it's funny because on one hand you could be like, why is she being so. Like he actually did remember this time and he made an honest mistake. On the other hand, it wasn't romantic because he didn't read the card.

John [00:52:58]: Right? He didn't even read the card that he picked up.

Nicole [00:53:01]: So he did the token thing he's supposed to do. When you check something off the list, you're not romantic. When you check something off the list, you're not seductive. You cannot check something off a list. You cannot do the thing in order to appease the person. It doesn't work. Or to get something doesn't work. Transactional does not work.

John [00:53:17]: You can use that as like, okay, like I said, I'll use the flower sing again. You can use that. Women like getting flowers, that concept, right. But you have to put the thoughtfulness behind it. She really likes lilies. They're her favorite one. I'm going to get lilies, right? So that's using the concept but putting the thoughtfulness behind it.

Nicole [00:53:39]: Right?

John [00:53:39]: Because I'm sure it's the same with the seduction, right? Like this is a seducing thing, but how can I make this in a way that is like catered to what my husband likes sort of thing? So it's always the thoughtfulness. Like you said, you can use those things as the ground, like the groundwork for what you're doing. But you have to put the thoughtfulness behind it. Otherwise it's just checking off the list like you said.

Nicole [00:54:07]: And women aren't off the hook. Like you said. They should help encourage the man and may even give him some tips. But also you also be romantic, which we'll talk about in another episode. But I wanted to mention that here because you can't just expect a guy to be romantic and not do the equivalent and we'll talk about another episode. But what's romantic to a man? Sex is it looks different than what's romantic to a woman. It does look more sexual usually because writing a. And it doesn't mean that a sappy letter or things like that. But it still comes down to the thoughtfulness, which like I said, we'll talk about another episode. But if you're not doing that, if you're not being thoughtful to the things that he likes, but then you're expecting him to be thoughtful for the things that you like.

John [00:54:53]: Yeah, it's not a one way street.

Nicole [00:54:55]: Yeah, it's not going to quite work out. But I will Say this also. If a man isn't being romantic, if a woman figures out the man's language and starts to be romantic to him in the way that he likes, he's much more likely to be enthusiastic and to turn around. It doesn't mean that that's true.

John [00:55:11]: And if he's not, then you need to have a serious talk.

Nicole [00:55:13]: Yeah. Then dump him. No, no. But if you start doing those. So if a woman does those things to really get a man to feel like he. Then he's probably going to. Something's going to click and he's going to be like, how can I. This amazing woman who reads my mind and does what I want and just desires to make me happy and please me. How can I do something back for her? Hopefully he would think about that.

John [00:55:39]: Hopefully.

Nicole [00:55:41]: But, yeah, I'm trying to think if there's any other points I had about the romance side of it.

John [00:55:50]: I think we hit on a lot of stuff, and especially, like, the key part of romance.

Nicole [00:55:55]: Surprise is a good element, too, I think, too. It's just like. But we kind of talked about that.

John [00:56:00]: Yeah. I mean, it's. At the end of the day, it's about the thoughtfulness because it doesn't have to be. I plan this whole vacation. It could, like, you know, it could just be something like, hey, I, you know, was at the grocery store today and I saw your favorite candy, so I just brought it because I thought that you would like that, you know, like. Like, it doesn't have to be extravagant. Yeah, the extravagant things are nice, too.

Nicole [00:56:24]: Right.

John [00:56:25]: But, like, the little things really add up. And the little things really mean a lot, especially to women. Because, like I said, we pay attention to details a lot more closely, I feel like, than men do. And so even if you feel like it's not that big of a deal, like, I went and got her a soda and brought it home. Like, her favorite soda. That's gonna mean a lot to her, you know, even. Even though to you, you're like, it's just a soda. Like, to her, it's like he thought of me.

Nicole [00:56:51]: Yeah.

John [00:56:52]: And he brought it back for me. Like, he was thinking of me while he was at the grocery store. Like, that's what that soda's gonna do. So. And even hugging your wife, giving her a kiss. Like I've said before, like, men are always like, oh, my woman's so angry. It's like, yeah, kiss her. Hug her. Well. And like, just be like, I'm here for you. Like, those little things mean so much. So, like, don't feel like you have to do all this extravagant stuff for your wife. Like, she'll appreciate that, too. Don't get me wrong. And if she doesn't, that's another problem. But, like, it doesn't have to be crazy to make a woman feel loved and appreciated and you be romantic.

Nicole [00:57:31]: Right. Yeah. It's a thought that you put into it. It's a little engraving that you put on the gift. Right. It's the specific thing that you got her. And you have a story behind why you got that specific thing or that color or whatever. It's like, you know, it's something that or reminds you of something that you guys did together. And this is why you did this thing. No, those are the things that are romantic. Those are the romantic gifts. And the other thing, one more thing I was going to say about it was that a lot of guys complain that a woman in a relationship isn't as sexually interested, doesn't give them sex. A lot of guys complain they're not getting sex. They're not. You know, she's not. You know, she always has a headache. And a lot of times the cure for a headache is romance.

John [00:58:13]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:58:14]: Take two romances.

John [00:58:16]: Like you said, if a woman starts romancing the man, he'll make up for it. And usually the opposite, if a man starts romancing the woman, then the woman will give him what he wants to do.

Nicole [00:58:27]: You start treating a woman that seems like she lost her libido, you know, like a princess and being romantic to her. Not again. I'm not. Not. Okay. I did the dishes. So why don't you want to have sex?

John [00:58:43]: So it's sex time.

Nicole [00:58:44]: Yeah. Like, where it doesn't appear there's any ulterior motive, where you're just treating her the way like she's the only woman in the world. Like you're dating her again and you have to actually impress her and make her. Trying to make her fall in love with you.

John [00:58:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:59:00]: Right. Then she's going to respond. She's going to feel more. Because that's where a lot of, you know, a lot of guys I coach when their marriages are kind of falling apart in that way. What's happened is that that wife has developed a large amount of bitterness to the. There's a lot of resentment there because of all the times that once you don't feel.

John [00:59:21]: Yeah. Or thought about.

Nicole [00:59:23]: Right.

John [00:59:23]: She's missing that thoughtfulness. She doesn't feel thought about. She doesn't feel like you care about her.

Nicole [00:59:28]: Right. People will always gravitate and obsess over whatever need of theirs that isn't being met, that will become the highest priority. Right. So it may be some small thing that. That has been blown up to a giant proportion, but it's because if you don't meet someone's need that will. You know, it's like if you're eating food but you're not getting water, you're going to be thirsty. Doesn't matter how much food you eat. So it's like, that's the thing for guys to remember, is that it doesn't matter if you're not meeting that need for the connection, for the love, for the romance, her need for sex is going to go down. She might have a high need for sex or a high sex drive. And you might even be insulted as a man and be like, what the heck? This woman used to have a high sex drive and now with me, she doesn't. And it's like, yeah, but it's because there's some other need that pushed that need down, which is the one for love and romance and that. And if that's not being met, this other one is going to be way down there until that's met. But once that's met, now it balances back up, and now she's interested again. So.

John [01:00:38]: Yeah, makes sense. All right, I think that's onto our thing for the week. Yeah. So John and I did not do very good at staying calm, cool, and collected. We didn't yell at each. Okay, wait, we didn't call each other names?

Nicole [01:00:57]: No, we didn't call each other names.

John [01:00:59]: And anything like that, but we did yell.

Nicole [01:01:00]: Yeah, in the shower with the clothes. And it was like. Like, you're immediately deafened because we have a glass enclosure in the shower. I was like, that was a bad choice. When I was like. But I yelled again. And I was like. Like, it's like an instant feedback, you know?

John [01:01:15]: Yeah. And I have not seen John yell, like, he yelled ever. And he wasn't, like, scary. Like, I was, like, afraid, but he was yelling. And it was just because we were both, like, in a very passionately emotional place.

Nicole [01:01:34]: Yes.

John [01:01:34]: And we allowed that to kind of take us over, which does not happen.

Nicole [01:01:39]: No.

John [01:01:39]: Not very often at all. And it was even hard to kind of, like, regain that until probably, like, the very end of the conversation. But, like, we always talk it all the way through.

Nicole [01:01:53]: Yeah. We never go to sleep angry. Never.

John [01:01:55]: It, like, completely flip flopped from, yeah, oh, yeah, yelling to like, finally being vulnerable with each other. So that's like, you know, we Just wanted to come on here and again be like, we up.

Nicole [01:02:08]: Yeah, yeah.

John [01:02:09]: We are not perfect. We do things the wrong way. We. And we know the right way because we're. We sit on here and tell you the right way. But yeah, you know, sometimes that doesn't always happen. And sometimes it's kind of hard to regain your cool and stuff like that. And, you know, you just have to not let it keep you down. I guess. Like, we made a mistake and instead of being like, oh, we up and you know, yeah, we're probably gonna yell at each other from here on out, it's like, no, we just. We're human. We made a mistake and we'll do better next time.

Nicole [01:02:45]: Yeah, but. But yeah, like I said, we, or like you said, we, we didn't go to bed angry. You know, we're just fine. The next day after we had talked. Because we do always talk it out just to get all the way to the bottom. And then I feel like we always learn some kind of lesson from it. Like, you know, something that makes it so that we're more stable. It's like you find these things that you still have to.

John [01:03:09]: Well, there's always going to be. Because yeah, we're two people, we're getting older. Yeah, we're always going to change.

Nicole [01:03:16]: Yeah.

John [01:03:16]: In certain ways. Like some things I do feel like, stay pretty consistent. But like we're, we're growing, we're changing. Like that's going to happen from time to time. And it's not realistic to act like people never go through this sort of stuff.

Nicole [01:03:31]: And I think the thing that we do the most successfully, which makes our relationship the most strong, is that we don't build up the resentment or bitterness because we do talk. I mean, I'm glad that you're a talker. Will talk for six or seven hours because that's how I am too. It's like, you know, I never met someone like that before, but it's worth it because a lot of times people will have an argument or disagreement and stuff, and then they'll not talk to each other for like two or three days and then it blows over.

John [01:03:55]: Right. And they haven't really actually resolve it. Yeah.

Nicole [01:03:57]: And then. But there's. What's left is built up bitterness and resentment.

John [01:04:01]: Right.

Nicole [01:04:01]: And that builds up over time. We talked about this once before, like.

John [01:04:05]: On your teeth or they sweep it under the rug. Now you have like, you're tripping over this huge mountain and you're under your rug because you just kept. Swept things under there. Swept.

Nicole [01:04:13]: Swept in them. But. But. Yeah, but we don't do that because there's no. You know, we are always hard.

John [01:04:20]: It's not easy to be that upset set and sit there and, like, hear each other out and try to figure it out sometimes. But you really do need to do it because, like you said, you don't leave with any sort of residual feelings about it. You get it all out in the open.

Nicole [01:04:39]: Yeah.

John [01:04:39]: You talk about it and, you know, from our conversation, too. That's why, like, a lot of therapists say you got to look at it as you guys versus the problem. Like, it makes a lot of sense, because as humans, we're used to looking at it as us against each other.

Nicole [01:04:57]: Right.

John [01:04:57]: And that's what causes the yelling and all of this stuff. And, you know, you're, like, fighting for your life. Right. But, like, you are one now. You're in a marriage. Like, you're one person. And, like, you've mentioned on a different podcast, it's like, why are you chop off one of your arms, and then you're gonna be like, your other arm's just, like, mad at your arm.

Nicole [01:05:16]: Right.

John [01:05:16]: Being chopped off. Like, it just doesn't make sense.

Nicole [01:05:18]: Yeah.

John [01:05:19]: So, like, it's hard to do. I'm sitting here telling you this, knowing that's hard to do.

Nicole [01:05:24]: Yeah.

John [01:05:25]: But the more you try to grab onto that and view the problem that you guys have from, like, a place of you guys working against the problem, and that doesn't necessarily have to look like any certain thing. Like, when we were having our discussion, it looked like, you know, you were upset about something, and instead of, like, being upset and assuming these things about me, we decided it's like, if you helped me with it, then it'd be better. And that's why I brought that up today, because I think it would be better for everybody if you looked at it that way. If you're in a marriage or relationship where if you're like, if your spouse isn't doing something, help them with it.

Nicole [01:06:08]: Right, exactly.

John [01:06:09]: Rather than be like, that's on you. Like, figure it out like, you don't care about me. Like, what? Like, there will come a time where if that's what's happening, it'll be apparent.

Nicole [01:06:19]: Right.

John [01:06:19]: But a lot of times it's just a misunderstanding or some other thing that you guys have to get to the root of the problem, the cause, and you can work through it together. Like, you should be helping each other. And sometimes when you get in a disagreement, it feels like all men for themselves. Or women for themselves, you know, like, yeah, we're gonna, you know, my walls up now. And I'm shutting you out and your walls up. You shut me out. And, like, you really shouldn't move forward if you guys are in that position, because now you're getting further and further away from each other.

Nicole [01:06:53]: Yeah. And it's kind of like what you're saying about also helping the other person out. Because a lot of times we have this idea in our mind, like, if they really cared about me, they would just know what to do or I wouldn't have to tell them. And while that's great, and when that does happen, that is great. And, like, if I have to tell them, it will ruin it.

John [01:07:16]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:16]: It will ruin it right then for that time.

John [01:07:19]: Right. If they do it immediately after or.

Nicole [01:07:21]: Something, they'll be like, but now in the future, they'll know what you like, what to do. Whether that be in general or in the bedroom, too. Right. It's like, because also.

John [01:07:30]: Or romantically.

Nicole [01:07:31]: Or romantically. And now they'll do it hopefully. Right. And now. And they might even have other ideas. Well, if this person likes this, they probably like this. Right. And so in the future, it won't ruin it. So I think that because we get stuck on this, like, I can't say it because then it'll ruin it.

John [01:07:49]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:49]: That's not true. It might ruin it temporarily at that particular time, but in the future it won't. So if you have to teach a guy to be romantic a little bit. Right. It's not necessarily.

John [01:08:01]: There might be underlying things, too, with your partner that you might not even fully know is involved in that situation or their life or something like that, you know, like, maybe your husband is. Isn't as romantic because when he was 12, he. His first girlfriend, he gave her these flowers and this candy for Valentine's Day, and she was like, screw you, and broke up with him on that day. And now he's afraid to be romantic. Like, that seems ridiculous, but it meant a lot to him. And you can help heal these things in him.

Nicole [01:08:34]: Yeah.

John [01:08:35]: And make it easier for him to do the things that you want and all these different things. So it's just, like, you just have to, like, reach out to your partner and support each other through all of the things. Even if, like, as a woman, you're upset with your husband, you have to lean on each other. As a man, you're upset with your wife, you have to lean on each other. Like, that's so important.

Nicole [01:08:57]: Yeah, exactly. All right, well, that's before we go, don't forget to leave a review on itunes.

John [01:09:04]: And like. And subscribe.

Nicole [01:09:06]: Yeah, yeah. And like and subscribe. But, yeah, leave a review for itunes and.

John [01:09:12]: Yeah, or anywhere else.

Nicole [01:09:13]: Anywhere else you want to rate us, you know, but we only accept ratings, hot or not. Yeah. Five.

John [01:09:21]: Through every fault we find our way.