Nicole [00:00:00]: Men's drive for sex is different. And if they want to enjoy it to a higher level than they're even capable of. Because we talked about this before where, like, men's pleasure meters, like 1 to 5, and a woman's is way more. But you can even get past five, right? If you've set up the scene so that she's so turned on and now you're so turned on, and now you're both so turned on, and now you can even get to a higher level than you thought. But if you're turned on because you're a man, and it's pretty easy to do that, but she's kind of like, eh, then you might get like a three, which isn't bad. Some men are like, oh, well, three is a three, you know, or whatever. Like, they don't care. They've also never had the sick.

John [00:00:35]: Beyond the perfect. We discover through our flaws. We complete each other. Better than perfect. We stay through every fault.

Nicole [00:00:48]: We find our way.

John [00:00:52]: All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:01:01]: Did you chug your water?

John [00:01:03]: I know, I just have it here, you know, just didn't want it to.

Nicole [00:01:06]: Block my I was your beautiful face.

John [00:01:10]: Exactly. Like. Like, it's like you just suck the words out of my brain.

Nicole [00:01:16]: Yes. Yeah, that happens from time to time.

John [00:01:18]: So we've been lurking.

Nicole [00:01:19]: Well, speaking of sucking, do you want to talk about our. Our topic for today?

John [00:01:24]: That's the good. I was going to say we've been lurking Reddit. But also sucking is good too.

Nicole [00:01:31]: You suck.

John [00:01:31]: Yeah, no, we were looking Reddit and.

Nicole [00:01:34]: And found nobody sends us any problems.

John [00:01:37]: Like, you guys don't have any problems. I mean, we're doing a good job. You're like, oh, yeah, it's all. It's like when. When you're like, do you have any questions? Does that all make sense to you? And they're like, yeah, yeah, it all makes sense. I mean, it's perfectly explained. So I don't have any questions. So that's it. You must be watching the podcast and you're like, oh, fix all my relationship issues. Got no problems. Don't need to email you. That's all right, so we'll just go to Reddit and find people that have real problem. No, we found one, this. This post in the marriage subreddit, and I thought we'd just, you know, just answer this one. I don't think you'd. You haven't really studied the question. I haven't really no question, so it'll be a bit of a surprise. But we do know that it is about.

Nicole [00:02:17]: And you found it. So I. You studied it the most.

John [00:02:20]: Yeah, I read over it one time, so. So it says, it's titled, husband wants me to provide higher quality sex. My husband, 37 male, and I, 33 female, have been married for 12 years. We have sex about two times a week. According to him, it's not enough. He wants me to watch porn with him so I can, quote, learn how to do better and act. He sends me pics and wants me to respond. He wants me to quit my job so I am less tired to have sex with him. We have a daughter and I work three 12s per week. He gets upset that I don't respond to these pics, but I am spending time with my daughter. We get in fights almost every week about our sex life. I really don't have a sex drive. I'm exhausted and it's getting to the point I want left alone. He's stating he will see other girls if I don't do better. However, he refuses marriage counseling. My question is, does this seem like reasonable expectations?

Nicole [00:03:20]: Threatening people is not reasonable. Threatening your wife or husband is not reasonable.

John [00:03:26]: And when I, when I read this, I was like, okay, there's just a lot of talking points in here. There's, there's a lot of like, advice, I think, as to, as a, as a man, if you wanted to solve this problem, how to go about it the right way, which this is not the right way. And like, are some of his, like, is it valid at all? Like what he wants?

Brief Speaker [00:03:46]: Right.

John [00:03:47]: And you know, and how do you resolve this?

Brief Speaker [00:03:49]: Right.

John [00:03:50]: So, I mean, mostly it's going to be directed at this guy.

Nicole [00:03:53]: Well, why don't we start from the beginning?

John [00:03:55]: Yeah. So like, what do you mean?

Nicole [00:03:57]: Like dissect. Dissect the part from the beginning till the end.

John [00:04:01]: Yeah, we could do that.

Nicole [00:04:01]: Because also there's things with her as well too, like.

John [00:04:04]: Yeah, okay.

Nicole [00:04:06]: That I'm obviously going to talk about the woman. And.

John [00:04:09]: Okay, so husband, 37. 30. She's 33, been married for 12 years.

Brief Speaker [00:04:16]: Okay.

Nicole [00:04:16]: They've been married for 12 years and they have sex at least twice a week. That is good, right?

John [00:04:22]: That's good. We. That's good, right? That's. That's pretty good.

Nicole [00:04:27]: That's reasonable. That's way more than a lot of people get right at. Especially 12 years in.

Brief Speaker [00:04:33]: Right.

John [00:04:33]: That's reasonable for frequency.

Brief Speaker [00:04:35]: Right?

John [00:04:36]: That's Pretty reasonable.

Nicole [00:04:38]: I think that's definitely reasonable.

John [00:04:40]: She says, according to him, it's not enough. Which, again, enough. I'm gonna go into my sales training questions is, what do you mean by not enough?

Nicole [00:04:50]: Right. But we can't ask, right?

John [00:04:51]: Because it's like, does it mean frequency? Like, because he might say it's not enough. Or does it mean intensity? Or does it mean doing the stuff that he wants?

Brief Speaker [00:04:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:04:59]: Like, because two times frequency. But it could be what she's doing if he wants her to watch corn, right?

John [00:05:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:06]: That could also mean, I think we gotta say porn.

John [00:05:09]: Because, I don't know, AI is like, it's smart enough. Like, they're. They're not talking about corn on the cob. Porn on the knob is.

Nicole [00:05:18]: Wow. But so, yeah, we don't know for sure. But honestly, I guess my thing is if you're complaining about two and it is a frequency problem, how much do you want? Because two is not bad, right? Two a week is not bad.

Brief Speaker [00:05:34]: Right.

John [00:05:35]: Especially if she's working three 12s, right? That's exhausting. And they have a daughter. How old is their daughter? She didn't say how old their daughter is.

Nicole [00:05:44]: But, yeah, that's a lot. She's spending time with very hard also, too. You're skipping around. But yeah, like, it's very hard to be in mom mode as well, too. And then she's saying that he's sending pictures when she's with her daughter. That's like, impossible, right? Yeah, it's impossible to be like sex mode when you're with your kid.

Brief Speaker [00:06:09]: Right?

Nicole [00:06:09]: It should be. Because those things should be separated.

Brief Speaker [00:06:13]: Right.

Nicole [00:06:13]: One is a private thing between you and your husband, and then one is like this innocent nurturing time with your kid.

John [00:06:19]: And there's something that's not being said here, right. Which is obvious to me, is he has a porn addiction.

Nicole [00:06:24]: Right? That's why he wants her to do the things like. And what is that?

John [00:06:28]: And that's why he's like, so on the frequency and the.

Nicole [00:06:33]: Right.

John [00:06:33]: Because he's got it on his brain all the time.

Nicole [00:06:35]: That's true.

John [00:06:36]: That's probably true. What is he doing at work? Just looking at porn. At, like, he's sending her pics and stuff and videos.

Nicole [00:06:43]: Does that work?

John [00:06:43]: I don't. I'm assuming he works. He's telling her that she needs to quit her job so she can have more energy.

Nicole [00:06:49]: Just have sex with him. That's actually kind of insane.

John [00:06:52]: It. It is. It is kind of insane. Like, but. But again, like, there's also not to belittle him to the degree, like, okay, maybe he has some needs and wants that aren't being met, which is fine. He's not addressing them in the right way.

Nicole [00:07:04]: But he also might have unrealistic and unhealthy ideas of those needs which the woman should not have to meet if she's not comfortable with that. Because let's be real here, he's probably watching regular porn, which a lot of that is very unrealistic. It's not. The people doing it are acting a lot of the time. They're not even actually engaging in the art of sex, as I should say.

John [00:07:34]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:35]: Like, the woman most of the time is not actually orgasming. It's all for show.

Brief Speaker [00:07:40]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:41]: And he wants her to watch that.

Brief Speaker [00:07:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:44]: So would he rather her just act like a porn star or actually enjoy the encounter that they're having and her get pleasure?

Brief Speaker [00:07:57]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:57]: Because it doesn't seem like that to me.

Brief Speaker [00:07:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:59]: Because he's also threatening to go be with someone else. So it seems like a frequency and an addiction problem. He might even have a sex addiction.

Brief Speaker [00:08:07]: Right.

John [00:08:07]: Yeah. Which. Which again, that's what I'm saying is like, it's the porn addiction.

Brief Speaker [00:08:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:12]: But he's also looking for a person to do the stuff with. So it's further than that.

John [00:08:16]: It's him. But that's what triggers that sort of.

Nicole [00:08:20]: Yeah.

John [00:08:21]: One. You know what I'm saying, so. Of not being fulfilled in. In your relationship when you're having sex two times a week.

Nicole [00:08:27]: But also, I don't think it's healthy, in my opinion, if you're having sex constantly, that is inspired by porn, which is unrealistic, and that you're just trying to meet, like a quota.

Brief Speaker [00:08:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:43]: Because I also think that just. Yeah, sex is a good thing. But I also. Too much of a good thing is also not good for you.

Brief Speaker [00:08:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:52]: So he's definitely in the addiction part.

Brief Speaker [00:08:55]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:55]: And then also she's just feeling like an object at this point, and she's still even having sex with him twice a week.

Brief Speaker [00:09:02]: Right.

John [00:09:02]: Which. Which again, like. So he's creating his. It's kind of hard to dissect it because. Because he's creating his own problem.

Brief Speaker [00:09:11]: Right.

John [00:09:11]: Because probably what he's looking for is the key word, which is enthusiasm.

Brief Speaker [00:09:16]: Right.

John [00:09:16]: That's like when the guy. Guys don't know how to communicate this. But mostly what guys are looking for is enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is the best thing. So as a woman, if you want to please a man, enthusiasm. That's what men want.

Brief Speaker [00:09:29]: Right.

John [00:09:30]: So but because he's making it an obligation, that's causing her to have less enthusiasm.

Nicole [00:09:37]: Right?

John [00:09:38]: Right. So it's a job that she has to do in addition to her job, in addition to taking care of her daughter is. Now she has to handle this fighting about it once a week. It's become a chore to her. So then she lacks enthusiasm, which makes it so that he is even more upset about it.

Nicole [00:09:56]: And so now he's threatening her.

Brief Speaker [00:09:57]: Right.

John [00:09:57]: And so. Which also is going to make it less enthusiasm. Right? That's. That's worse. Now she's. She says that she's lost her sex drive. She hasn't lost her sex drive. She's lost her sex drive with him.

Nicole [00:10:10]: Right.

John [00:10:11]: Because he has caused it to become so. By making it. And that's the biggest mistake I think men make is to make it where it becomes a chore instead of a seduction. If he wants her to have more of a sex drive, he has to seduce her. Sending her porn videos and pics is not seduction, Right? Not for a woman. Maybe if a woman sends it to a man, that might be more seductive.

Nicole [00:10:39]: But if a woman sends man.

John [00:10:42]: A man porn videos, sends pictures of herself, right. You know.

Nicole [00:10:47]: Oh, I thought you said porn videos or.

John [00:10:49]: I, I don't know. Is he sending her porn videos to. Yeah, he wants.

Nicole [00:10:52]: Yeah, he wants her to do the things in the porn video.

John [00:10:55]: He sends me pics and wants me to respond.

Nicole [00:10:57]: Yeah, but he also sends her porn videos, right?

Brief Speaker [00:10:59]: Probably.

Nicole [00:11:00]: So you're confusing me.

John [00:11:01]: I don't know. Like he.

Nicole [00:11:02]: He tells her to watch, doesn't want porn videos. Is that what you're saying?

John [00:11:05]: I. I don't think a man. A man wants porn videos of the woman of herself.

Nicole [00:11:10]: But I think he's sending, like, scripted porn, right?

John [00:11:13]: I think so. I think so. And wants a response. I don't know.

Nicole [00:11:16]: He.

John [00:11:16]: It said that she. He sends pics and respond and wants to respond. I'm assuming that he's sending sexy pics or whatever. But the point is, is that's not seduction. Seduction is like. Is like setting the mood.

Nicole [00:11:30]: Well. And making somebody feel wanted and.

Brief Speaker [00:11:32]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:32]: Like you want them, not just you want their orifices.

John [00:11:36]: Exactly.

Brief Speaker [00:11:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:37]: And that's how she feels.

Brief Speaker [00:11:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:39]: Because even if she quit her job or whatever, he's doing the most to just try to get what he wants.

Brief Speaker [00:11:45]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:46]: Which is getting off.

John [00:11:48]: Because look, if you're a man, if you want to seduce it, if you want to get a woman to be more in the mood, receptive for sex, number one, Is I would say, number one is the relationship being intact. Number two is less stress, which he is kind of trying to do that part of it by.

Nicole [00:12:08]: Yeah. But I think it's for the wrong reason.

Brief Speaker [00:12:10]: Right?

John [00:12:10]: For the wrong reasons. And number three is talking about how you're going to pleasure her.

Nicole [00:12:18]: Yeah.

John [00:12:19]: Not what you. Not. Not how she's lacking in performance in this. You know what I'm saying? Or like that.

Nicole [00:12:28]: Right. Because otherwise she just feels used.

Brief Speaker [00:12:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:12:31]: Like that whole thing would make me feel so used.

Brief Speaker [00:12:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:12:35]: It would make me feel like he doesn't want me. He just wants something to stick his. You know what? In.

John [00:12:42]: If I want to turn you on.

Brief Speaker [00:12:44]: Right.

John [00:12:45]: I'm going to text you stuff about how much I desire you.

Brief Speaker [00:12:50]: Right? Right.

John [00:12:52]: And the things that I want to do to you. Right. Because that. I like that. Like, that's what's going to turn you on as a woman.

Brief Speaker [00:12:58]: Right.

John [00:12:59]: Am I right?

Brief Speaker [00:12:59]: Okay.

John [00:13:00]: It's not going to be. If I text you, you're not do this tonight.

Nicole [00:13:05]: And I'm like, I don't know.

Brief Speaker [00:13:08]: Right, right.

John [00:13:09]: It's like it's expressing desire for you. Not desire for just having sex or like, you know.

Nicole [00:13:16]: Right, right. Yeah. It's not just desire for you to get your rocks off or whatever.

Brief Speaker [00:13:21]: Or.

John [00:13:21]: Or you. Maybe I'm putting words in your mouth. What. What should a guy text a woman if you want her to get turned on? Okay. No, I'm just wanting to make sure. Because I want to make sure that you're not.

Nicole [00:13:30]: No. Yeah.

John [00:13:31]: What else am I missing?

Nicole [00:13:32]: Her, like. Or that you want her, not you just want sex? Or like you just want to get off? Or like you're trying to turn her into your own personal porn star and you don't care about her.

Brief Speaker [00:13:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:13:49]: Which, like, maybe we're not getting the full picture because that is her perspective, but him threatening to go be with someone else makes me feel like we're not missing that much.

Brief Speaker [00:14:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:01]: Because all of this points to somebody, it doesn't matter who has a sex addiction.

Brief Speaker [00:14:06]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:06]: Who. Right. It doesn't matter who it is. He just wants to get his.

Brief Speaker [00:14:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:12]: He doesn't care about her.

John [00:14:12]: Not a high desire for her specifically.

Brief Speaker [00:14:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:14:16]: Just a high desire for sex.

John [00:14:17]: Okay, so. So he wants her to get in the mood.

Nicole [00:14:22]: Right.

John [00:14:22]: What does he text her? You tell me. Like, you don't have to give the exact, exact explicit, but the general, you know what I mean?

Nicole [00:14:30]: Like, I don't know. Like, I can't wait to do certain things to you tonight. And he says the certain things, I'm not gonna say them on here.

John [00:14:37]: Okay.

Nicole [00:14:38]: But you know, like. Or. Oh, yeah, you know, you turn me on so much when you do this. Or, you know, I don't know.

John [00:14:48]: It's focused on her.

Nicole [00:14:48]: Right, Right. So that's what you've been saying.

John [00:14:51]: That's what.

Nicole [00:14:51]: I don't know why I'm just supposed to.

John [00:14:54]: Just because I. It's better for guys listening to hear it from you. You know, they're like, john doesn't know what he's.

Nicole [00:15:00]: No, we already know that men want sex.

Brief Speaker [00:15:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:03]: But if you make it seem like you just care about your needs, that's a huge turn off. Because you're supposed to be persuading the woman to have sex with you. Like, not saying women never should initiate.

John [00:15:18]: Sure.

Nicole [00:15:18]: But it should mostly be the man because you need it more. Like, women enjoy it. They also need it. But men need it more.

John [00:15:28]: But in their. Their sexual desire is more of a responsive.

Brief Speaker [00:15:32]: Right.

John [00:15:32]: So women's. Yeah, A woman is more turned on by being desired.

Nicole [00:15:38]: Right. If a man just, like, take her clothes off, right. She's drier than the Sahara does. Whereas a man, I want to see your beautiful body and like, gently takes it off himself or something. That's totally different.

Brief Speaker [00:15:50]: Right.

John [00:15:51]: That's more. Okay.

Nicole [00:15:52]: Like, they don't want to be commanded.

John [00:15:54]: Like, I mean, well, I mean, you.

Nicole [00:15:57]: Know what I mean? They don't want to be like, the guy doesn't care. He's just like, do this.

John [00:16:02]: Yeah. But even the commanded, like, the dominance comes from a desire, is like, I want you to do this. I want this. Like, because I. Because I want you, not because I just want.

Nicole [00:16:15]: You have to, like, set the scene with that before you demand things.

Brief Speaker [00:16:18]: Exactly.

John [00:16:19]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:16:19]: He's just demanding things. He's like, I want it more days of the week. I want you to watch these videos. I want you to respond immediately to my dick pics I'm sending you.

Brief Speaker [00:16:27]: Right.

Nicole [00:16:29]: I wasn't going to say that word.

John [00:16:30]: But I said it.

Nicole [00:16:31]: And I don't want you to work so. So that you can have time to do whatever I want you to do. And if you don't do those things, then I'm finding someone else to sleep with. Does that sound like a man that, like, any woman would want to be with?

John [00:16:42]: Like, yeah, finding someone else is. Is sort of.

Nicole [00:16:45]: That's how I know that all the other stuff he's saying is all about him.

Brief Speaker [00:16:50]: Right, Right.

Nicole [00:16:51]: And that he doesn't care about.

John [00:16:52]: That's a big turn off.

Nicole [00:16:54]: Yeah. No, that's the ultimate turn, right?

John [00:16:56]: Like that.

Nicole [00:16:57]: I'm lucky if she hasn't already done it. Been like, go ahead.

John [00:17:01]: Because he's trying to negotiate a contract, right? It's like instead of seduction, where he wants enthusiasm and desire, he's killing enthusiasm and desire. Because now it's like transactional. Because now he's like, permanently. He's like, these are my needs. If you don't fulfill my needs, I'm going to find someone who does.

Nicole [00:17:19]: Right.

John [00:17:19]: Which at a. At a logical level, as a man, that seems like. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. However, what you actually want is for her to be into it, right? Like, you want her to want it. By making it transactional, you're destroying that. Like you're bargaining for it.

Nicole [00:17:36]: Oh, I would have. I would have left him.

John [00:17:38]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:17:38]: He said the. I'm gonna find someone else.

John [00:17:41]: Yeah. That's crossing the line, kind of.

Nicole [00:17:43]: That's ruined the entire relationship. I don't. It's her decision.

John [00:17:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:17:48]: But I know if I was that woman, I would not be threatened, right. That you're gonna go do this. And it would not make me want to ever do any of the things that he wants.

John [00:17:57]: And how are you going to be turned on if you're substitutable? Because when he expresses desire for you, is it just desire or desire for you specifically?

Nicole [00:18:08]: Or if you didn't do it the way that he wanted, is. Is he actually. Is he doing it right now? Is he with someone else?

Brief Speaker [00:18:14]: Right.

John [00:18:14]: It's like, again, okay, well, here, like, again, this is what. I lost this train of thought. But if women watch porn, the porn that women mostly watch is lesbian porn. The reason being is because women like to see them somebody care and, like.

Nicole [00:18:33]: Enjoy what they're doing.

Brief Speaker [00:18:34]: Right?

John [00:18:35]: Because women want to be the center of the act, right? They want there. They. They get off by imagining them, someone having a high desire for them that much, that they're putting a lot of effort into giving her pleasure.

Brief Speaker [00:18:56]: Right?

Nicole [00:18:56]: But what men don't realize is that if they did that, if they had the high desire.

Brief Speaker [00:19:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:02]: Then she has a higher desire to please you.

Brief Speaker [00:19:05]: Right, Exactly.

Nicole [00:19:06]: Do what you want.

John [00:19:07]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:19:08]: But you have to invest the thing first. And that's honestly probably why men do initiate more and should initiate more because you have to establish that establishment. Especially if she's a mom, right? She's in mom mode.

Brief Speaker [00:19:21]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:22]: You have to get her out of mom mode by making her feel desired, making her feel sexy enough to switch her brain over to it's sexy time now. Because it's very hard. I'm only a step parent and half the time to go from parent mode to sexy mode. And men can do it. We've been like in a situation where it's like we're talking about something really freaking sad. And then you. Two seconds later you're like, so, you ready to go? And I'm like, no, I'm not ready to go. You know what I mean? Men can just get there faster.

Brief Speaker [00:19:52]: Right.

John [00:19:53]: But even then, like, and. And that's something that I've realized is that yeah, you can. But if you want the depth of the experience. Even I found myself saying let's wait until we're in a better emotional state. Headspace. Because I want this to be a better experience for you. Which will make it a better experience for me.

Nicole [00:20:14]: Yeah.

Brief Speaker [00:20:15]: Right. Overall.

Nicole [00:20:16]: Well, in general. And yeah, he's looking for.

John [00:20:18]: But that's cheap. Yeah, yeah. Stuff women want to be considered. That's also a turn on. Again, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but. No, you tell me if I'm saying something that's not right.

Nicole [00:20:27]: No, you're saying all the right things. And he's the opposite of that. He's like, I want it more often.

Brief Speaker [00:20:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:35]: He seems like the guy that doesn't care how it is for her.

Brief Speaker [00:20:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:39]: Like you said, he's just looking to fill the quota. He's like, two days isn't enough. We got to get the four right now. What if there's been a bad day and they've only have one more day left in the week and they're on number three and she's in a emotional state and he's like, we haven't.

Brief Speaker [00:20:55]: It's.

Nicole [00:20:55]: We're not.

John [00:20:56]: Got to get the.

Nicole [00:20:57]: Yeah. He seems like that. That's cheapens the experience.

John [00:21:00]: Or I'm going to go to the next one on the list.

Nicole [00:21:03]: Right. And then like, okay, yeah. I don't even.

John [00:21:06]: Yeah, that's.

Nicole [00:21:07]: That's the stupid thing that he said.

John [00:21:08]: It's really bad to never to. To completely shut down a woman's sex drive forever.

Nicole [00:21:14]: Right.

John [00:21:15]: Those are the worst. You.

Nicole [00:21:16]: She's not going to be able to trust you.

John [00:21:17]: Yeah. Cuz whatever you say, she's not going to believe it. She's going to be like. You would just say that to any girl.

Nicole [00:21:22]: Right, Right.

John [00:21:23]: Because literally I'm replaceable.

Nicole [00:21:25]: He would just go and find someone else. If she did it three days of the week and not four.

John [00:21:30]: It's. Yeah, it's different because there's going to be Guys that are watching and I, and I've talked to guys where the, their wife or whatever partner hasn't had sex with them in a month and.

Nicole [00:21:42]: That'S a long time.

John [00:21:42]: And then they're like, okay, my needs aren't being met. If you're not going to meet my net, my needs, I'm going to find someone who is going to. But even then that might be true and you may be justified in that, right? Like if you're married to someone and they're not fulfilling your sexual needs, if they're not having sex with you basically on a, on a what would be a reasonable basis, like reasonably fulfilling your needs, then then yeah, then you may want to go and find someone else. Like exit that relationship, find another relationship. However, saying that as a threat will not solve your problem. That will make your problem worse.

Nicole [00:22:24]: You don't say that unless you're at, you're halfway out the door, right? You don't say that even then, yeah, you are ready to leave because your needs haven't been met for so long, right? That, because that will ruin your relationship.

John [00:22:38]: And even then don't say that. Like, if you're at that point, then just leave. But because, and the reason why I say that is because that won't solve the problem, right? No, because it just never. There's no point. Like, even logically the woman might agree with you and she might even like give you pity sex in order to, to not have you leave, but you won't be getting what you actually want. Like if you want to solve the problem. And in this case it's ridiculous because like, he should never say that in that case, like, and he's not justified. But in the case where let's say you are in that situation as a man and you're with a partner who's not, not giving you, not fulfilling your needs sexually, then the proper response is to figure out why. Like, how can you create the desire and start. And so number one is starting at the relationship because what is the level of their relationship? Fix that problem first and then second to. Then start to look at, okay, how can you make it so that she actually wants to have sex with you versus you demanding it? It's like women are like a cat, right? Or like cats like you. You can't be like chasing the cat around, right? Like pun, pun intended, I guess. But if you're chasing.

Nicole [00:23:57]: We know, we know you're not going.

John [00:24:00]: To get the cat, you know, but you gotta, you gotta get the cat to come to you, right? Which Means being on your purpose. Like, go to the gym, go work out. Go like work on your business or whatever it is and your hobbies and stuff. And then treat her well and seduce her.

Brief Speaker [00:24:16]: Right.

John [00:24:16]: Show her that you have a high desire for her, but you have sexual discipline. Because women don't like a man that doesn't have sexual discipline. It's unattractive. And what he's displaying is what?

Nicole [00:24:27]: Totally unhinged. No sexual discipline whatsoever.

Brief Speaker [00:24:30]: Right.

John [00:24:30]: Because if he was like, instead of having the approach of two times a week is not enough, you need to up your game. You need to watch his porn videos and, you know, and need to, like, perform. Otherwise you're out. I'm going to sub in someone else instead. If he was like, two times a week is not enough. Not for a woman that looks like you, I. I gotta have more. I can't resist you. You know, like, it's just. It's crazy. I just. I can't when I see you. I just need you. That's more in the direction of you're gonna get more than two times a week.

Nicole [00:25:03]: Right.

John [00:25:03]: You know what I'm saying? But telling her how she's not performing.

Nicole [00:25:06]: Right?

John [00:25:07]: It is not. You see, what I'm saying is if it's. If it's coming from a desire for her, right. She's gonna want to fulfill that need.

Nicole [00:25:15]: Yeah.

John [00:25:16]: Versus if it's coming from a.

Nicole [00:25:17]: Your desire to just get off.

Brief Speaker [00:25:20]: Right.

John [00:25:20]: Then that's not it. So that. So that's the approach is like, if you're in that situation where you're in kind of a sexless marriage or whatever, make the woman feel desired.

Nicole [00:25:30]: Right.

John [00:25:31]: That you can't resist her. That's why you need it. Not because you just need it and you don't have sexual discipline, but because she's making it hard for you to have sexual discipline. She's making it hard for you to. Not exactly. To not to resist her.

Nicole [00:25:47]: Right.

John [00:25:47]: Specifically as a human being.

Nicole [00:25:49]: Yeah.

John [00:25:50]: That's the thing. That's the take. Am I right?

Nicole [00:25:52]: Yes, you're right. You know, you're right.

John [00:25:54]: I want to make sure.

Nicole [00:25:55]: Double checking I'm double, right?

John [00:25:57]: Because that's the way that you solve this problem. No, not because threatening and it's just.

Nicole [00:26:03]: Drying is the dumbest, dumbest thing you could do.

John [00:26:06]: Drying it up like the Sahara.

Nicole [00:26:07]: Does it, like, only threaten if you. You're okay with your relationship actually ending? Yeah, because I don't know what woman would stay after all that and she's giving him sex twice a week. Like, you Said some people have gone a month, some people have gone longer than that, months. Some people gone years, and they're still there. And I'm not saying that they should be.

Brief Speaker [00:26:27]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:28]: And that, you know, that their needs don't matter.

Brief Speaker [00:26:30]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:30]: But this woman is saying they have sex twice a week. They've been together 12 years.

John [00:26:35]: And in. In the. In the dinette. Even just that you said the words, she's giving him sex twice a week.

Nicole [00:26:41]: Right. She doesn't want to.

John [00:26:42]: It's already like the fact that she's giving him like that. That you would even say those words.

Nicole [00:26:47]: Because no one should never would feel like you have sex in that situation.

John [00:26:52]: Right, Exactly. It should never feel like if she has to give you sex, then you're. You're doing it should. It should be flipped. It should be like you're giving her sex. It's like you're giving her the d. You know, like the experience. Exactly. Like you. But which also means that's the other element of this too, as a man. Again, if you want a woman to be into it, desire, like, show that specific desire for her. But also, do you think she wants the porn? Like.

Nicole [00:27:21]: No, no.

John [00:27:23]: Give her the experience. That is the seduction experience of you focusing on her and her pleasure.

Nicole [00:27:31]: Yeah.

John [00:27:32]: Because if you want someone to do something more of something, then it should be something they like doing.

Nicole [00:27:38]: I mean. Yeah.

John [00:27:38]: So make it something that's irresistible for them.

Nicole [00:27:41]: It's also offensive that he's, like, watched this porn video to learn, which means that whatever they're doing.

Brief Speaker [00:27:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:27:47]: He doesn't like. He likes this other thing more. So she wants. He wants her to learn that.

John [00:27:53]: Yeah. And you want her to watch Dick's.

Nicole [00:27:55]: Which means that she's been. That he's been watching that so much that he prefers that over what she's giving him twice a week. And that's offensive.

John [00:28:05]: And also. It's also offensive to be like, here, learn this. Watch this video. As opposed to teach her.

Nicole [00:28:13]: Right. Or like, hey, can we try? Like, let's try this after you've already, like, fed into her with the desire and made her feel, you know, good about herself and, you know, foreplay, whatever, then try to be like, hey, we should try this. Like, you know, whatever, tell her what you want. She's so much more open to doing that.

Brief Speaker [00:28:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:33]: I mean, I don't recommend men look up porn stuff and then try to sneak it in there, even if they are doing whatever. Well, and, but. And again, if they have their own things that they want to try, there's nothing wrong with that. And a woman will be way more likely if she feels like you're invested in her right. And care about her.

Brief Speaker [00:28:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:52]: To try to fulfill your needs. And it's not a selfish thing because I'm sure men are listening. Well, why can't they just fulfill my needs? And she, she will. If she constantly feels desired by you, sometimes she will just fulfill your needs.

Brief Speaker [00:29:05]: Right?

Nicole [00:29:05]: And she'll want to because she's used to feeling desired by you.

John [00:29:09]: Well, and you tell me again, I'm not. You know, you tell me. These are, these are obvious, but I'll tell you obvious questions. But look, which is, which is more likely to be met with enthusiasm. Hey, I saw this porn video and the girl was doing this. You should do that. Or you know what would really turn me on? I was thinking, like, if you did this, that would really turn me on. Like, seeing you do this to me.

Nicole [00:29:46]: Obviously, the second one, okay, so instead.

John [00:29:49]: Of like sending her a video and be like, you should be more like this, this woman. If you're like, oh, you know what's really hot? What I would find really hot if you did this. Not who does it, some random girl. But you did this. I want you. I want you to do this. That would be really fucking hot. Like, that would really turn me on if you did that. Like, I was fantasizing about you doing this to me. I was fantasizing about you doing this. It really just made me.

Nicole [00:30:20]: Yeah, don't say you're watching a porn.

John [00:30:23]: Do you see what I'm saying? Right? Like, even if it was like, but.

Nicole [00:30:26]: But it shouldn't be.

John [00:30:27]: No, but like the approach, right, if you want it to actually happen, is, am I just smoking crack or is that the better approach?

Nicole [00:30:35]: Think of it from a business standpoint, laying where you're at right now. You're investing in certain things so you can be better at your business, right? As a man, you have to invest in your woman to have better sex, right? You can't just tell her what to do. Investing doesn't mean tell her what to do. That means get your hands dirty and get in there and like, no pun intended, but like, focus on her and giving her that experience so then she opens up and she gives you the return on interest, right? Does that make sense?

Brief Speaker [00:31:04]: Right?

John [00:31:04]: Like, exactly.

Nicole [00:31:06]: Men's drive for sex is different. And if they want to enjoy it to a higher level than they're even capable of, because we talked about this before where, like, men's pleasure meters, like 1 to 5 and a woman's is way more. But you can even get past five.

Brief Speaker [00:31:20]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:20]: If you've set up the scene so that she's so turned on and now you're so turned on and I both so turned on. And now you can even get to a higher level than you thought. But if you're turned on because you're a man and it's pretty easy to do that.

Brief Speaker [00:31:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:34]: But she's kind of like, eh, right. Then you might get like a three, which isn't bad. And some men are like, oh well, three is a three, you know, or whatever. Like they don't care.

John [00:31:43]: You're not getting.

Nicole [00:31:43]: They've also never had the sick.

Brief Speaker [00:31:45]: Right.

John [00:31:45]: Because you're not getting enthusiasm from her.

Nicole [00:31:48]: Right.

John [00:31:48]: Which like. And what. Why do guys like porn?

Nicole [00:31:51]: Because the enthusiasm. It's all about enthusiasm.

John [00:31:54]: But that's what guys. Because when guys are like, I want you to be like this girl in the porn. Because what is the girl in the porn doing?

Nicole [00:31:59]: Like, oh my God.

John [00:32:02]: Right. I'm having a heart. Like, whatever. She's acting like she's like, good. Right.

Nicole [00:32:09]: But right, she's acting though.

Brief Speaker [00:32:11]: Right?

John [00:32:11]: Exactly, exactly. But if you want enthusiasm.

Brief Speaker [00:32:15]: Right.

John [00:32:16]: Then you've got to inspire the enthusiasm.

Nicole [00:32:19]: Can't unsee what you just did. I feel like a dead fish or something.

John [00:32:26]: But when. When guys are like, watch this porn video. I want you to be more like this woman. Mostly it's insulting. Mostly what they're talking about is the enthusiasm.

Nicole [00:32:35]: Well, then they should just say that because it's insulting to be like, watch this and be like this lady.

John [00:32:39]: Yeah, but, but, but what I'm saying though is that like, if you want that, you have to inspire that.

Nicole [00:32:46]: Right?

Brief Speaker [00:32:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:32:47]: Which means in the person to give you the thing.

John [00:32:50]: Exactly. You got to figure out how do you get that out of her? Can't just. You don't just get it for you don't pull a lever. And then it's like. Or like bargain that. It's like, I want you to pretend like you're enthusiastic. Like, do you want her to pretend like she's enthusiastic like a porn star, like an actress? Or do you want to actually be enthusiastic? Right, Right. Because that's the thing.

Nicole [00:33:09]: Because that's what I think would take either because guys.

John [00:33:11]: Guys are turned on by the porn because they see the woman's reaction.

Brief Speaker [00:33:15]: Right.

John [00:33:16]: That's what is.

Nicole [00:33:16]: I guess. I mean, I'm not a guy.

John [00:33:18]: The element. Just like women are turned on by the. Right. Like similar type of thing. Right. And so if you're trying to get that reaction, you gotta figure out how to engineer that, not just ask her to do it, because how do you just be enthusiastic? Like, I mean, there's some like putting effort into a thing, but if you want that kind of reaction, you gotta do something.

Brief Speaker [00:33:44]: Right.

John [00:33:44]: Exactly. So. Yeah. Let me see what else we had in there that was.

Nicole [00:33:49]: I don't know.

John [00:33:49]: Well, the other thing about.

Nicole [00:33:51]: Got kicked to the curb.

John [00:33:52]: Yeah, that was. It's just real. But the other thing was about like, because she's, I mean, the other piece is to say, like, okay, she's spending time with her daughter. With her? Their daughter. She said her daughter too. Which is already telling of where the relationship is. Right. Yeah, but. Or maybe it is her daughter. Maybe she has a separate. But either way, it shouldn't be said that.

Nicole [00:34:15]: Well, wait, what? They're 30 something and they've been together 12 years.

John [00:34:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:20]: So probably their daughter.

John [00:34:22]: Probably. Most likely. Right. Because I would put her at 21.

Nicole [00:34:25]: Yeah.

Brief Speaker [00:34:25]: Right.

John [00:34:25]: When they got married. So, you know, possibly. But either way, like again, praise her for spending time with your daughter.

Nicole [00:34:36]: Yeah.

John [00:34:36]: Or her daughter or whatever it is. Like, because that, like.

Nicole [00:34:39]: And on those inappropriate pictures, you know, she's with her.

John [00:34:44]: Not. Yeah, exactly. Not at that time.

Nicole [00:34:46]: Yeah.

John [00:34:47]: No, be like, even if you're like, if she's with her, she spent time with the daughter, then you can like text her and be like, wow, that's. You're such a good mom. That's such a great thing. Like, I'm so lucky to have married someone who has such a kind heart. Or, you know, whatever. And then, and then at the, and then a little P.S. p.S. When you're, when you're alone, let me know, I got something else to send you. Or something like that. Or a little P.S. like, P.S. by the way, like, wait, like a hint at something tonight I'm going to.

Nicole [00:35:22]: Right, that's.

John [00:35:22]: I'm going to show you how much that I, you know, that's better.

Nicole [00:35:25]: I'm not saying that dick pics don't work or women don't like them, but it is way less than men think.

Brief Speaker [00:35:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:34]: They think like a man and that they. Yeah, visual.

Brief Speaker [00:35:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:38]: Which it's not like women don't, but you're way more likely to turn her on with saying something about like, oh, I can't wait to do this to you tonight or whatever. Like, P.S. like I've been thinking about you all day. Whatever. Like something, you know, P.S.

John [00:35:54]: We'Re going to the melting pot tonight. Be a good time.

Nicole [00:35:57]: Something like that is probably Going to work better, honestly, because women's brains are different. And especially if she's with her daughter again, she's in mom mode. And then you're just going to send her. Even if you say a nice thing and then you're like, let me know when you're alone, and then just a penis pops up.

John [00:36:13]: Yeah, that's not. It's no.

Nicole [00:36:14]: Like, she's not there.

John [00:36:16]: No.

Nicole [00:36:16]: You haven't set the mood. Like, you kind of have.

Brief Speaker [00:36:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:36:20]: But the verbally telling her things like that will start the fire earlier than just a picture would.

John [00:36:28]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:36:29]: But men like pictures. And so I'm not saying that women shouldn't send men pictures.

Brief Speaker [00:36:33]: Right.

John [00:36:33]: For sure. Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:34]: And I'm not saying that men should never send pictures or whatever they want to send like that. But I feel like you have to read the room. Right. Like, if you guys already kind of been, like, flirty texting throughout. Throughout the day and you send one.

Brief Speaker [00:36:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:36:48]: That's actually the ideal time because you've already kind of built her up a little bit, and then now she's already kind of in that state, and you're going to just push her even further. But if you just send it.

Brief Speaker [00:36:58]: Right.

John [00:36:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:59]: Even if she's at the grocery store and she's not with her kids, she's.

John [00:37:01]: Going to be like, oh, that reminds me, I need to get more cucumbers.

Nicole [00:37:05]: Right? Yeah. She's going to be like, okay. Like.

John [00:37:10]: Or hopefully she's not. I need to get some celery. Like.

Nicole [00:37:15]: Like I.

John [00:37:16]: Some baby carrots. I need to get some baby carrots.

Nicole [00:37:19]: Oh, my God, John. She's like, I'm trying to focus on. And then he's, like, ready to go. You know what I mean? There's a. There's a disconnect. But I think that's why men have to, like you said, is invest in her.

John [00:37:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:33]: And get her going. Because that is the harder part. Because women don't just go from 0 to 100 like men do.

John [00:37:43]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:37:43]: It's a gradual process. That's why foreplay exists. Like, if it was up to men, just stick it in, Boom, bang, boom, done.

John [00:37:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:51]: I mean, they also want to have a good time, too, but I'm saying that they could live with that. A woman. No woman could live with. Just direct in with nothing at all, you know?

John [00:38:01]: And that. And that's also kind of part of the whole thing is it's like if you're sending her porn stuff and trying to, like, get her to, like, you're probably not. I Would guess that this guy is not good in the bedroom. Like, no, he might think he is like a porn star because he can do some moves or something. But that's not what is actually impressive.

Brief Speaker [00:38:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:22]: I was think he only cares about himself.

Brief Speaker [00:38:24]: Right.

John [00:38:24]: It's like it's based on all that. It's taking it. And plus. Okay, look, I'll say this. I mean two to three times a week, I think that's good.

Brief Speaker [00:38:31]: Right.

John [00:38:31]: But if you're really doing it the right way, like two times is gonna be. It's gonna be right. You know what I mean? If you're.

Nicole [00:38:38]: Exactly.

John [00:38:39]: Because it should be like a three or four hour ordeal.

Nicole [00:38:42]: Right.

Brief Speaker [00:38:43]: Right.

John [00:38:43]: Like, and I'm not talking about three or four hours of pumping.

Brief Speaker [00:38:46]: Right.

John [00:38:46]: Like, because people get it. It's like it's. There's. It might take, you know, some long time before you even get into to there. It's an experience because you're making an experience for her. You're. You're create. Then you're creating an experience where she's going to want to participate in that.

Brief Speaker [00:39:03]: Right.

John [00:39:04]: And then. And then also it's going to create a more fulfilling experience if you're just like. If you're like, oh well, yeah, I need like five wham bam, thank you ma' ams per week. Yeah, I get that. That makes sense if that's what you're treating it as.

Nicole [00:39:15]: Right.

John [00:39:15]: But. But if you're going all out and spending the time, you know you're going to be carving out like two to three hours.

Nicole [00:39:22]: Yeah.

John [00:39:23]: @ a time. To be able to have sexy time.

Nicole [00:39:26]: One really cultivated O is better than 20 uncultivated O's or not even real. You know what I mean? Like that are not on the same.

John [00:39:39]: Level in any way or none at all. Which is what. That's true a lot of times is what's happening.

Brief Speaker [00:39:46]: Right.

John [00:39:46]: Especially if you're dictating it off of porn videos. Then it probably. I'm giving her zero.

Nicole [00:39:52]: She's probably not getting her kicks in this situation.

John [00:39:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:58]: Because she doesn't even want to be doing it.

John [00:40:00]: Yeah. Let me see if there was other pieces of this that we're going to break down. Okay. So he wants me to watch porn so I can learn how to do better and act. Send me pics. Wants to respond, wants me to quit my job so I'm less tired to have sex with him. So this is the only thing that he says. She says we. Oh, she does say we have a daughter and I work three twelves. Per week. He gets upset that I don't respond to these tics pics, but I'm spending time with my daughter, so. So, okay, so that's the only one thing that. That he sort of almost has, right? Except for the wrong reason, right? If you tell your wife, I want you to quit your job, so let me have sex more, what did she say specifically? He wants me to quit my job so I'm less tired to have sex with him.

Brief Speaker [00:40:48]: Okay?

John [00:40:49]: If you say it that way, that does. That makes about you, right?

Brief Speaker [00:40:54]: Right?

John [00:40:54]: If you say, you, my dear, are a princess, and a princess should not have to work that hard. You should be able to relax. Let me take care of you. Let me make your life easier. I don't like you to have all this stress, baby. I don't like you to have to worry about all this stuff or feel like you gotta, like, let me take care of you. Go get your nails done. Go enjoy yourself. Let me do the work I got you.

Nicole [00:41:25]: It's also conditional because it is better.

John [00:41:27]: Which one is more sexy?

Nicole [00:41:29]: Also conditional. The other one you just said, which.

John [00:41:32]: One makes you want to have sex?

Nicole [00:41:34]: John trying to start something on this podcast today, but, yeah, that's not gonna happen here now, but maybe later. But it's an issue because it's conditional. He wants her to stay home, right? To have sex with him, right? That's all he cares about, right? But if she was like, not because she's tired, right? And just in general, right? Because she's too tired to have sex with him, right?

John [00:41:55]: But if she was like, oh, the work. My back hurts. He'd be like, tough, just fucking do, like, I work, right? But if it's like, I want you to have more sex with me, then it's like, oh, you don't have to work. And she feels that it's not about him caring about her, right? That's the thing is. So it's defeating the purpose. Like. Like, he's right in the. In the sense that, yeah, in order for a woman to be more in the mood, take the stress off of her. That's also why I say, man, take the checkbook and take care of the finances. Because if she's worrying about the bills and, like, I need to pay this bill, I need to do all this stuff. That's the mental checklist she's going through at night when you're trying to, you know, get some. Get going on, right? And. But if you're taking off all of these pressures off of her and she can spend time with, with your daughter and spend time relaxing and being feminine and whatever. She doesn't have all the stresses of the world. She deals with the emotional stuff, you know, but you help her with that, then she's more likely to be in the mood because women can go like if women again, I don't know, trying to put a word in your mouth so you tell me if I'm wrong on this, but women could go like a month without sex if they're stressed out, busy, all kinds of is going on in their life. It's. It's a lower priority thing, right? Yeah, but a dude is not going a month without, right.

Nicole [00:43:22]: He might die, right?

John [00:43:23]: Yeah, but what I'm saying is like a woman be like, oh yeah, I didn't even realize I haven't had sex there or but that's masturbated in a month.

Nicole [00:43:30]: Like that's exactly why the man has to get the woman going. Because even if she doesn't work or something, it's. She's got emotions, she's got all these things in her head.

Brief Speaker [00:43:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:43]: Still it is less if she's not working.

John [00:43:45]: Sure.

Nicole [00:43:46]: But still that can distract her from that or like emotionally exhaust her or whatever. So if you're not trying to help get her in the mood, it's going to be very hard. And yes, like she can do it, but it is harder for women. I'm not saying that it's impossible and I'm not saying that again that women should never initiate or anything like that.

Brief Speaker [00:44:08]: Right.

Nicole [00:44:08]: But the more you invest in her, the more likely that that's even going to happen as well. Because like I said, if she feels like you desire her consistently, she'll just do things for you because she feels that and she wants to please you as well. So he would even get some of the stuff that he's trying to force onto her. Exact her own. She would just do if he actually did it the right way. Like you're saying, right? Yeah, but the way he's going about.

John [00:44:36]: It now and trash and do you and don't send her the porn video. You want her.

Nicole [00:44:42]: That's so stupid.

John [00:44:42]: First of all, do you want her addicted to the porn video? And second of all, do you like if you're comparing her to the women in the porn and you're sending her videos of porn, is she not going to look at those, the dicks and be like compare you and you can't change that. I don't even think it acts more like the porn actors. You can't like alter Your. The size of your member.

Nicole [00:45:05]: I don't even know it's really that.

John [00:45:07]: I know, but I'm just like.

Nicole [00:45:09]: I think it's just really insulting and it's kind of like prying on her insecurities. It's like, watch this woman and be like her, right? If you don't do this, then I'm going to replace you. That's prying on her insecurities. You're trying to get her to do stuff. And by making her more insecure about herself not feeling good enough for you, you're literally only telling her that you'll keep her at home so she'll have sex with you more. Like, how does she not feel like an object?

John [00:45:38]: Well, yeah. Yeah, well. And like I said, if you turn it around and if she was like, look, you know, here's a porn video. Look at this guy, he's got like a 9 inch member. You need to get the penis pump and you need to like, whatever you need to like do. If you're not up to, I'm gonna get the ruler next week. And if you're not, you know, up to this level, then I'm gonna go find a guy that. Who is.

Nicole [00:46:02]: See if she's staying and she's petty. She'd do that.

John [00:46:05]: But I'm just saying, like, how would you feel about that? Like that, like they would put that around.

Nicole [00:46:11]: They don't.

John [00:46:11]: Because how's that different?

Nicole [00:46:13]: It's not.

John [00:46:14]: It's the same thing.

Nicole [00:46:15]: Right.

John [00:46:16]: It seems ridiculous when I say it, but. Ridiculous. But sometimes.

Nicole [00:46:21]: But if you gotta say it out loud and like. But it's together.

John [00:46:24]: Is it not the exact same thing?

Nicole [00:46:26]: It is, but he doesn't think about that. He's not thinking about that. Yeah, because he's trying to make her feel so insecure to just do whatever he wants. And he doesn't think that she'll do that.

John [00:46:36]: Let me see if there was anything else that was in there. That was.

Nicole [00:46:39]: But you know what, though? I'm glad he said what he said because she deserves to know the type of man that she's with. And I don't know if he's always been that man or what. They've been together a really long time. I don't know if he got a porn addiction and then it's turned into a sex addiction and this is something new or what. She didn't say how long it's been going on.

Brief Speaker [00:46:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:47:00]: But I'm glad he showed his true colors because if I were her, I'd be like, what the Actual hell.

John [00:47:05]: It's pretty clear that she's just being used. She's just.

Nicole [00:47:07]: Right.

John [00:47:08]: Literally.

Nicole [00:47:08]: Point. Yeah.

John [00:47:09]: Right. Because he said that. Oh. And. And this is the key thing is right. She says, I really don't have a sex drive. I'm exhausted. And it's getting to the point I want left alone.

Nicole [00:47:18]: She's emotionally exhausted as well. I don't even think she's. Maybe she's got to be tired from her job. She's doing three 12 hour shifts. But I think she's emotionally exhausted from. Emotionally exhausted from feeling never being enough for him. That he's trying to turn her into someone else and doesn't accept her. That she's already giving him sex. And I do say giving because he's not. Doesn't seem like he's setting the mood right. And it's not enough. And then she's. He's sending pictures at inappropriate times where she's not gonna be in the mood. So he's gonna. He's gonna be mad that she's not.

Brief Speaker [00:47:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:47:53]: And then tells her that she doesn't have to go to work if she has more sex with him.

John [00:47:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:59]: Like it's all conditional.

John [00:48:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:01]: And it doesn't feel like he cares about her at all.

John [00:48:05]: He's basically destroying all of the sexual part of the relationship.

Nicole [00:48:10]: Right.

John [00:48:10]: Because all of the things. Because he's creating triggers. Also now he's never going to send pics. And she's always. Every time he sends pics, even if they fix this problem, she's going to go back to those times and feel that way. And so, you know what I'm saying is like any kind of thing about some kind of porn, do this thing, do that now. Like if he went about things the right way, he could have made her receptive to the things that he wants. Like, because he probably has needs and he's just an idiot.

Brief Speaker [00:48:38]: Right.

John [00:48:39]: It's like he wants her to do certain things. He wants her to whatever. Or maybe he wants more frequency or more enthusiasm or whatever it is. And he could have had those things had he gone about them the right way. But now he's burned the bridges on those. On those things. Because now he's created the point where she's like, I just want to be left alone.

Nicole [00:48:57]: Right.

Brief Speaker [00:48:58]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:58]: He doesn't even probably want to have sex with them at all.

John [00:49:00]: Exactly. So it's like if. And I guess I kind of want to do this episode because there's a lot of guys that are. I mean, this is ridiculous. Like, it seems like, but there's a lot of guys that feel like their sexual needs aren't being met to the degree that they would like them to be. And so they just have to learn how to go about it the right way rather than the wrong way. Like intimidation, bargaining. That stuff doesn't work.

Nicole [00:49:24]: My thing, like, is he not still attracted to his wife? Because I know a lot of guys, they have an issue. It's still being attracted to their wife instead of. And I think maybe they go to porn or maybe they. And whatever. And maybe it spirals into this, right? Because they lost attraction for her for some way. And I would say that he needs. If that's the case, he needs to be attracted to his wife again. Because like you said this whole time, the more you pour into her, the more she'll pour into you because she'll feel like you want her, right? Not you just want a hole.

Brief Speaker [00:49:57]: Right.

Nicole [00:49:58]: And that's the key. Like, because she'll probably give you a hole, but it's not going to be enthusiastic if you're not making her feel desired or you're comparing her to something or you're not actually attracted to her.

Brief Speaker [00:50:10]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:11]: And if you've gone to do. Watching porn or whatever, you need to stop. You need to desensitize, like. Like sensitize yourself again to your wife, not desensitize yourself by watching all these things, right. Like, you need to deprive yourself of the thing that you've become addicted to in order to appreciate the thing that you have. The real person.

John [00:50:31]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [00:50:32]: Not your hand, the real person you have.

Brief Speaker [00:50:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:37]: And realize that you can have a much better experience.

Brief Speaker [00:50:40]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:41]: If you invest in that and her.

Brief Speaker [00:50:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:50:44]: Then if you invest in just watching porn and using your hand.

John [00:50:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:50]: Or whatever.

John [00:50:51]: Or whatever. And you know it. And it's like, look, if. If I. If you weren't in the mood and I wanted to get you in the mood, right. I wouldn't be like, make demands of you. I wouldn't be like, this isn't fair. Or like, you know, I. I wouldn't throw a fit about it. Instead, my tactic would be to tell you how much that I desire, like, to. To tell you how much I'm attracted to you to, like, that. I know that would work 100 of the time. Like, I know that I could get you in the mood 100 of the time if you're like, I don't feel like having sex tonight. I know 100% that if I am going after the. How much that you're turning Me on and how much I can't resist you. That pretty soon I'm going to turn the point where you're going to be like, okay, let's do it.

Nicole [00:51:45]: Yeah, right.

John [00:51:45]: Like I'm going to be able to build it. So that's the thing is like, I mean, it could be that he's not attracted to his, his wife, in which case obviously then her response is adequate.

Brief Speaker [00:51:58]: Right.

John [00:51:58]: That why would you want to have sex with someone who's not attracted to you?

Nicole [00:52:01]: Right. And not showing you desire.

John [00:52:03]: Exactly. And so answer is like show your attraction to her.

Nicole [00:52:08]: Right?

John [00:52:09]: That's. That's what she needs to see.

Nicole [00:52:10]: And that's the answer.

John [00:52:11]: That's it. It's so simple, you know, show her.

Nicole [00:52:14]: Enthusiasm, you get enthusiasm.

John [00:52:16]: Exact. There you go. Yeah, that's it.

Nicole [00:52:19]: That's the male version.

John [00:52:21]: That's it.

Nicole [00:52:21]: Gotta simplify it a little bit.

John [00:52:22]: But yeah, but I mean, that's. Yeah, that's it. But, but like I said, in this situation, it's not one where. And he refuses marriage counseling also, which.

Nicole [00:52:31]: Is, that's a red flag. Well, that's also why he would be getting a swift kick to the. I'd be like, go, go find as many other women as you would like.

John [00:52:42]: This woman is actually saying, does this seem like reasonable expectations? Now my question is, does this seem like, like, you know what I'm saying, like she's even to.

Nicole [00:52:51]: He's gaslit her into being like this normal.

John [00:52:55]: Exactly. You, you have a woman that actually after all of this still is questioning whether she has. Is reasonable.

Nicole [00:53:03]: So sounds like not a great relationship.

John [00:53:06]: Yeah, but it also sounds like dummy. Like you have a woman that clearly is into you.

Nicole [00:53:13]: Right. And likes you, but you've given her the ick.

John [00:53:15]: Right, exactly. So because it's not like she's, you know, like the other question we asked where the woman like he's financially abusing me. Like, would you rather have that woman? Come on.

Nicole [00:53:29]: Yeah, So I don't know. But he might have messed it up.

John [00:53:32]: But yeah, but I was saying, like, obviously in this case it seems ridiculous, but like in, in other cases, I know that guys just need to like use your brain and figure out how you can be the seducer rather than demanding, you know, how can you make someone want to give you. It's just good advice in life. Instead of trying to demand things from people. How can you make it so that they want to give you the thing?

Brief Speaker [00:53:56]: Right.

John [00:53:57]: I think it's, it's Dale Carnegie, how to Win Friends Influence people. Doesn't he Right. Let's talk about. How can you make it so that to. To create an. An eager desire within someone to want to give you the thing that you want.

Nicole [00:54:12]: Yeah.

Brief Speaker [00:54:13]: Right.

John [00:54:13]: So how do you create that earnest desire within them?

Nicole [00:54:16]: Right.

John [00:54:16]: That's the way to go about things. Not trying to threaten people.

Nicole [00:54:19]: And, and that's the key is the earnest desire, not the acting desire.

John [00:54:23]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:54:25]: Not the. Get your acting shoes on.

John [00:54:28]: Yeah. And never ever tell a woman anything about another woman. That. That's the.

Nicole [00:54:35]: That should be common sense.

John [00:54:37]: That's just the number one common sense. Never ever say it.

Nicole [00:54:41]: That should be common sense.

John [00:54:42]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:54:42]: Is that. Not amongst men.

John [00:54:44]: Don't say my ex girlfriend did this. Don't say she did this better. Don't say she had a higher sex drive.

Nicole [00:54:52]: Don't think that he was an idiot.

John [00:54:55]: Ye. Don't say I'm gonna find another woman. None of that stuff. God. Yeah.

Nicole [00:55:04]: Yikes. Well, all I gotta say is I'm so glad I have you.

John [00:55:11]: All right, well, anything else that you have on. On this, I think we.

Nicole [00:55:15]: No, I just think that lady hasn't left him. She should leave him.

John [00:55:19]: Yeah, yeah. I mean.

Nicole [00:55:23]: No, the threatening.

John [00:55:24]: Yeah, the threatening, like that, that has to be not tolerated.

Nicole [00:55:27]: The trust.

John [00:55:27]: Yeah. That's like, that's.

Nicole [00:55:29]: How is she supposed to trust if she doesn't do the thing that he said?

Brief Speaker [00:55:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:55:34]: How could she trust that he's not going to go find someone else?

John [00:55:36]: And it's like. Because can she even have. What even conversation can she have with him?

Nicole [00:55:40]: Right.

John [00:55:41]: Like to be like, besides, oh, she's actually here when he sends her the porn video to watch. She can send him this episode to watch.

Brief Speaker [00:55:51]: There you go.

John [00:55:54]: And be and, and be like that dude.

Nicole [00:55:57]: Yeah. Right. I hope she's still not with him. But I mean, I don't like to, you know, tell people to get a divorce. But threatening your spouse and giving all these demands.

John [00:56:08]: Yeah, it doesn't.

Nicole [00:56:10]: It's not loving and caring.

Brief Speaker [00:56:12]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:13]: So. All right, well, men listen to John.

John [00:56:20]: Yeah. And if you need.

Nicole [00:56:21]: He knows what he's talking about.

John [00:56:22]: If you need some help, some coaching, reach out to us and we'll help you.

Nicole [00:56:27]: Right.

John [00:56:27]: We'll help you figure this out. Yeah. Because it's not that hard.

Nicole [00:56:31]: It's not rocket science once you get it.

John [00:56:33]: No, no. That's why people need to watch all the back catalog of episodes. Do their. Learn the stuff.

Brief Speaker [00:56:41]: No.

John [00:56:41]: You know, because.

Nicole [00:56:44]: I mean, you heard John. He knows what he's talking about. He only asked me if I'm right.

Brief Speaker [00:56:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:50]: Or If I agree, because he just needs to cover his bases. But he knows what he's talking about.

Brief Speaker [00:56:55]: Right.

John [00:56:56]: If I'm hitting it, you know, if I'm. My batting average is that high and.

Nicole [00:57:00]: You got to trust, then.

John [00:57:01]: Then it must be right.

Brief Speaker [00:57:03]: Right.

John [00:57:03]: Like, otherwise you'd be like, that's close.

Nicole [00:57:05]: I mean, they saw the lines down on here, like I said, so.

John [00:57:10]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:57:11]: They could feel it through the camera.

John [00:57:13]: See how I seduce you? Seduced her on this episode, even. Like, there you go. It's that. That's all it takes.

Brief Speaker [00:57:19]: It did right. All right. All right.

John [00:57:22]: Well, follow us at Better Than Perfect podcast on Instagram. You know, all the things. All the things. And go to the website. Betterthanperfectpod.com didn't want you to have to type in the cast, so we made it easy for you. Better than perfectpod.com.

Nicole [00:57:41]: I don't think they had the cast.

John [00:57:43]: Yeah, that's.

Nicole [00:57:44]: Yeah, but they did Better than Perfect Pod.

John [00:57:47]: I wasn't gonna pay $10,000 for the.

Nicole [00:57:49]: Cash part at Gmail. If you want us to talk about your situation.

John [00:57:55]: Yeah. And ask us questions. Otherwise, we'll just go through Reddit. Like, we'll find. Or. Or just post on Reddit under marriage and we'll. We'll find you and we'll. We'll bring it. We'll bring it. So we'll bring your dark secrets to.

Nicole [00:58:09]: Hopefully we won't roast you like this guy.

John [00:58:10]: Yeah.

Brief Speaker [00:58:11]: All right.

John [00:58:12]: We'll see you next week.

Nicole [00:58:13]: Through every fault we find our way.