John [00:00:00]: But as a woman, you have to, like, not emasculate the man, especially a man who has the potential. He might not be the king right now and have that confidence because especially in this world environment that we're in, you don't want to be the one that crushes the potential.

Nicole [00:00:15]: Like, he's doing the things, but you don't want to crush it. If you're the one, he might just do those things. I'm like, that's dangerous.

John [00:00:23]: I mean, he's trying to do the things and then you are emasculating.

Nicole [00:00:27]: Let me do it. Let me do it.

John [00:00:28]: You're actually causing his development to go downward. Perfect we discovered through our flaws we complete each other. Better than perfect we stay through every.

Nicole [00:00:43]: Fault we find our way.

John [00:00:48]: All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people help each other grow. That's nice. Fill there equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:01:00]: That's right.

John [00:01:01]: Yeah. I got your back, you got my back. That's what we need. So, yeah. So we're going to talk about today. You know, actually I was thinking that we should actually call this how to. How to keep a woman. But like, in the sense of being.

Nicole [00:01:18]: A kept woman, you're definitely gonna get black.

John [00:01:22]: How a man can take care of. Of his wife or take care of his woman, that.

Nicole [00:01:26]: That's gonna be better. They're gonna get to the 1950s reference.

John [00:01:32]: But some women want to be a kept woman. Like, that's what they actually want.

Nicole [00:01:36]: But today they're never going to say that.

John [00:01:38]: They're never gonna say those words even.

Nicole [00:01:40]: If they want that. So, you know, don't turn off the people who even want that by using terminology that is gonna trigger them.

John [00:01:50]: So now Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her. He put her in a pumpkin shell and there. He kept her very well.

Nicole [00:01:57]: Yeah, no, no.

John [00:01:58]: Okay.

Nicole [00:02:00]: That's very old school as well.

John [00:02:02]: Yeah. But no, we figured we'd talk about. Because we had an episode where we talked about finances, financial abuse, a Reddit post on there. And then there were some clips. And one of the clips, I think I started off by saying a woman should know nothing about the finances of the house. And then people, they lost their shit as. As usual and, well, because it was.

Nicole [00:02:27]: A clip and you know, they took it at face value, they didn't watch the full episode. But I do think we should do this as a kind of follow up because we didn't really talk about what you do though, right? And so I can see where people are confused.

John [00:02:44]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:02:44]: And that the woman in the comment section had a lot of fear. And I understand where that came from. I don't have that, obviously, because I know how you've set, you know, everything up, but I can understand where they're coming from.

John [00:03:02]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:03]: You know, and some of these women, maybe they've even been through it or they've heard the scary stories. But at the end of the day, it's kind of similar to the men that have heard the scary stories and things like that. And I have a few things I want to say about it because a lot of people, for the most part were like, calling you financially abusive or like, oh, his poor wife, or like, blah, blah, blah, blah. So. Right.

John [00:03:25]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:03:25]: You know, I'll say my side, but I also think it's important for you to say your side and what you have done and why you said what you said. Because we didn't. Like I said, we didn't really fully cover that.

John [00:03:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:03:36]: In the other episode, even. But yeah.

John [00:03:40]: Yeah. And I wanted to expand it out. That's what I said about the. The kept. But it's more like how to take care of. Of a woman. Because it is more than the financial. And I think if you look at the financial in isolation, that's where you have a problem. Right. Is because if you understand the full scope of what you're doing as a man, what you're supposed to be doing as a man and providing as. Which is not just providing. It's not just collecting the paycheck or bringing home the paycheck, but understanding how you're sort of running your household or leading the relationship, then the financial piece fits into the. It. It's the only thing that makes sense in that case. You know what I'm saying? When you're looking in isolation, that's where I think people are like, oh, that's crazy. Because if you take what I'm suggesting from the financial aspect and put it into their existing relationships, that would look like financial abuse. If there is such a thing. It would look like a crazy thing. But if you're talking about the relationships that we're talking about in terms of a man acting, stepping up and leading as a servant, leadership in a relationship, then it. That puzzle piece fits so well.

Nicole [00:04:48]: It's funny you said that because one of the things I wrote down, because I went through the comments.

John [00:04:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:53]: Is some women were saying that their husband doesn't even care, slash, handle the finances. So she does it.

John [00:05:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:00]: So I'm like, how is that not the same thing? Like, oh, yeah, the same thing.

John [00:05:06]: There you go.

Nicole [00:05:06]: That he. It's actually maybe worse because he doesn't even care.

John [00:05:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:12]: And you're just. You're just doing it, all.

John [00:05:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:17]: And you think that's fine as a woman because you're in full control.

John [00:05:20]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:21]: But he is giving you full control.

John [00:05:23]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:23]: He's not freaking out.

John [00:05:25]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:25]: And, like, again, I'm. This is not a black and white thing. I may sound like I'm talking about it in a black and white way. It's a lot of, like, nuanced things, which I think we'll also talk about in this whole episode. But it's funny you said that, because some of those comments, I was like, how are you mad about you saying it this way?

John [00:05:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:48]: Which, again, it was taken out of context because it was a clip.

John [00:05:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:51]: But yet some of you women are doing all the work for your husband, and he doesn't even care.

John [00:05:57]: Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Ding. I can't believe I missed that part of it when I was rebutting the thing because I did rebut one of the women that was like, yeah, I take care of all the finances because my husband would just go spend the money on car parts. He doesn't even know how to pay a utility bill. And I had a response to that, but that he needed to step up and he needed to be the man. But in reality, actually, the more logical response is just, hey, you're literally doing.

Nicole [00:06:24]: You're literally actually, in your terms, if.

John [00:06:27]: You think that that's okay because you're doing it right.

Nicole [00:06:30]: You're like, don't worry your little head, husband.

John [00:06:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:33]: Don't, you know, just don't look at the car parts like, you know, I'll handle the finances.

John [00:06:37]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:37]: You're doing the exact same thing to him. Yeah. Another woman wrote down, my husband has adhd, and she said that they would be homeless and penniless in a year. I was like, you have adhd, right? You.

John [00:06:50]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:51]: And that is not even. I'm not even concerned about that in the least. So it's like their defense. Not all of the women in the comments were saying this, but if you have this as your defense.

John [00:07:02]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:04]: You're. You're actually. In my view of it, if you want to use the term financially abusive, more financially abusive, because you're not keeping him in the loop. You're not like, all right, Jeffrey, this is what we need to do. You need to, you know, cut back on the car Parts. You're, like, taking it all over so he can't even buy the car parts, right.

John [00:07:25]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:07:26]: And you're saying that your husband has adhd, so if he handled it, then you wouldn't have any money. That's, like, so ridiculous in my mind. So now he really will never learn how to handle his finances.

John [00:07:38]: He just. Yeah.

Nicole [00:07:40]: And I guess I'll go into another point that I have on here.

John [00:07:44]: Well, it's like, it's like they're, you know, because one woman said. I was like, you're saying, oh, don't worry your cute, pretty little head. Right. But then you're saying that to your husband, don't worry, you're dumb. Don't worry. Dumb, dumb. I got it.

Nicole [00:07:58]: Don't worry your pretty little dad. You can't learn anything.

John [00:08:02]: Football on the couch. Like, I got.

Nicole [00:08:04]: Right.

John [00:08:05]: Like, you know, which.

Nicole [00:08:06]: It's hypocritical.

John [00:08:07]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:08:08]: So my thing is to another point that I'll bring up now because it kind of goes with it. A lot of these women talk about these men in a way where, like you said, they're dumb. Like, they don't even know how to do this. They. They're literally saying, he doesn't even know how to pay this bill. But they're upset when you're like, oh, like, don't allow it to stress her out. I know how to pay bills.

John [00:08:28]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:29]: I paid bills on my own before you came along.

John [00:08:32]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:33]: You cannot take that knowledge away from me.

John [00:08:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:36]: I will know how to do it.

John [00:08:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:38]: If I, God forbid, had to. And I hope that never comes to that. But, like, I know how to do it and I don't have to stress about it anymore. And that is a great place to be. But you're telling me that you're doing it and your husband doesn't even know. Well, you're not even educating him. And then there's women like, well, you can't, you know, you have to tell her about the finances and all this stuff. Some of these women aren't telling their husband anything because they don't trust him. Ultimately, I trust you, and that's the difference. And again, I know that they don't understand this from a clip on the Internet, but go watch the full thing. Like, even if you're seeing the clip of this right now, watch this full episode because there's a lot more to it than just 30 seconds or whatever, however long it was.

John [00:09:20]: Well. And, well, the bill paying thing, I want to talk about that for a minute because you used to have to balance a checkbook and write the checks and then subtract from the account and keep the ledger.

Nicole [00:09:31]: My parents did that.

John [00:09:31]: Sure. And that's fine. Then. Then someone not understanding how to pay the bills, but literally, I can teach you how to pay the bills in 10 minutes.

Nicole [00:09:40]: Your bank account. And then you hit pay.

John [00:09:43]: Yeah. The email comes, you click pay bill. Like, there's not. It's not any kind of hard thing to learn. You don't need to learn how to pay bills anymore. It's just being responsible enough to do the. The paying of the bills. Or maybe to budget. You could say to budget. Okay, sure. But.

Nicole [00:10:01]: Yeah, yeah, but. No, but what I'm saying is, and again, people should go back and watch all of our videos. Not just because I'm trying to promote people watching our videos, but because I talk about how women should be on their own before they get in a relationship, and they should know how to do all these things on their own. So then when a man comes along, she still has this knowledge that's never going to go away. And if you feel like you have to be control of everything, even when you already know what to do, you're living in fear. That's ultimately what it is, and that's what's causing you to want to control this. I don't feel that I trust you. I know that you're going to handle that.

John [00:10:41]: No.

Nicole [00:10:41]: And I know that God forbid, if I had to, or even if you were like, one day like, hey, Nicole, can you pay this? Like, yeah, here's the stuff. I could do the things.

John [00:10:49]: Yeah. You know, like, perfect example is what happened yesterday, House. You're like, I was going to go for a nap. Right? And you're like, you heard the gurgling noise. And you're like, john, can you. I heard this thing. And you're like, oh, I could call someone. I, you know, and I'm like, no, no, I. I, like, I didn't want to. You know, it was definitely something I didn't want to deal with yesterday, but I had to deal with it because I'm the man I'm going to call.

Nicole [00:11:12]: When they were coming back and. Or the other company was coming.

John [00:11:16]: And then I know there.

Nicole [00:11:17]: And I exactly, you know, handled that situation because I was like, you know, the stuff all over the floor I want your help with. And like, what should we do? Maybe. Because maybe you could have fixed it.

John [00:11:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:11:28]: I don't know. I'm like, I'm not going in there unless you tell me that I. You need help or something. Yeah, but. Because I know you got it handled.

John [00:11:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:11:37]: But then when they showed up and you were like, I really have this call, and I could. I was like, I don't want you to have.

John [00:11:41]: But I'm gonna call, but I'm gonna give you. In that place. I mean, to give you instruction of what.

Nicole [00:11:47]: Right. Or you've already set it up.

John [00:11:49]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:11:49]: So that all I have to do is like the bare minimum.

John [00:11:52]: Yeah. I'm going to give you instruction of what I need you to do as opposed to being like, oh, you handle this.

Nicole [00:11:57]: Right.

John [00:11:57]: Right. Could you handle it for sure you could. Right. But. But me as the man. Because you're like, oh, yeah, go ahead and take your nap or whatever. I'll. I'll call them. Which I appreciate. But I don't. I'm not going to do that because that's not how I operate. That's not my. My job is to actually handle the situation. Right. Right. And yeah, I have a call. I need some help. I asked for help on that specific instance, but. Right, but yeah, but it doesn't mean that you couldn't do the thing. It's just that you.

Nicole [00:12:26]: Well, that's not offended by the comments or even the things that these people are saying or even, you know, how you explain something. Because I know what I'm capable of, and I know what you're capable of, and I trust you. And that's ultimately, I think, what a lot of this is with the women in the comments was fear, which causes them to want to control and not having a man that they can trust. So I understand where they're coming from.

John [00:12:54]: Right.

Nicole [00:12:55]: However, it just kind of perpetuates more of the fear. And then even when a woman finds a man she can trust and she wants to relinquish that control on those things.

John [00:13:06]: Right.

Nicole [00:13:07]: She's not going to because now she's reading all these women being like, I don't want to be in the dark. I don't.

John [00:13:12]: And it's ridiculous because it's like, okay, like, you do the laundry in our house. Right. Okay. So do you ever be like, okay, John, just so you know, in case something happens to me, this is how I do the laundry and this is how I sort it, and this is how we run the machine. You don't. Right. Okay. Now if something happens and I need to figure out how to do the laundry. Okay. Yeah. Maybe it's going to take me a little bit to, like, Google it or figure it out or whatever. Yeah. But I'll Figure it out. And I'll, like, you don't need to keep me updated every single week on how you do the laundry or how you clean the house or stock the pantry or how you grow, shopping for the groceries just in case I have to do it. Like, I trust you. Got it. And if something happens to you, I'll figure it out. It's the same thing to a, to a degree, financially. We'll talk about where it gets more complicated, but, but when it, when you're talking about basic finances, which is most of these people that are coming on Twitter or, or Tik Tok, they're not running multiple businesses, have real estate investments like we do, and, and all of that stuff, they literally have a job, have their house payment, whatever, and utility bills.

Nicole [00:14:19]: Right.

John [00:14:20]: If you die as a man, your wife can figure that out. Like, I mean, yeah, you should leave behind a document, which we'll talk about, but I'm just saying, like, they're acting like, oh, if she doesn't know what's going on, she doesn't know where the finances are. Oh, she'll just be ruined.

Nicole [00:14:34]: Yeah, that's.

John [00:14:35]: Yeah. If you have a complicated empire like we do, yes. Then, then that is the case. And to a degree. But we'll talk about how to mitigate that. But, but essentially, it's not that hard.

Nicole [00:14:47]: Right. You know, I think, now that I think about it, I think it's mostly they're worried about financially irresponsible men.

John [00:14:55]: Sure.

Nicole [00:14:56]: That's exactly right, because they even said that you're spending all the money on leather bracelets and just waxing.

John [00:15:04]: I, I, how did they know my secret? That's.

Nicole [00:15:08]: But no, really, it's like, Yeah, I.

John [00:15:11]: Mean, look, I actually, I mean, we have to dispel that because I just naturally am just. Yeah, you are just pure.

Nicole [00:15:17]: But let them think what they want. I guess I'm naturally pure.

John [00:15:21]: I'm evolved of a human. So I have less hair. I mean, that's, that's how it is. Like, I can't, I can't help it.

Nicole [00:15:28]: But I think that's their real concern. Right.

John [00:15:30]: And never. I've never waxed my chest ever in my life.

Nicole [00:15:34]: Okay, we believe you. I believe you. That's all that matters. But so, but you have gotten waxed before. See, now, yeah, like, yeah, like, the full.

John [00:15:43]: I did. I did the full Monty wax. Because everybody, everybody's got to experience that once to see what I have not, you know, got to get the porn star wax. Why not? Like, just see what. That's like also, it's sort of, it's sort of also like a challenge. It's like can you actually go to a place expose your see, that is.

Nicole [00:16:02]: Probably why you really did it.

John [00:16:04]: It was, it was, there was a little bit of a, like I'm afraid to do this, so I need to do this, you know.

Nicole [00:16:09]: Yeah. Because you've did it with the skydiving, that makes more sense. But yeah, I don't think everyone shares the same experience as you like that they've done it at least once. But yeah. Chest hair waxing? No. Full body maybe? Yeah, but no going in a different direction. I think they're just afraid that their husband obviously can't control his spending.

John [00:16:32]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:16:33]: They would have a frickin heart attack though if they married a man like you who's spending thousands of dollars on training. Yeah, they would like poop their pants for sure. But no, but their thing I guess is that their husbands don't know how to budget. But a lot of men also have issues with women not knowing how to budget. So it's like it's not a thing that all men don't know how to budget and all women don't know how to budget.

John [00:16:59]: No. Well, and you're right, like all of their stuff is coming down to one thing which is not trusting.

Nicole [00:17:07]: Right.

John [00:17:08]: That's what it, like they're, whatever they're saying, all their arguments and stuff, it's all just smokescreen for I don't actually trust the man that I'm with. That's what it all means. Because if you trusted the man that you're with, you would trust his decisions.

Nicole [00:17:21]: And same with the lawyers in the comments that were like don't do this. Yeah. Because every time that they see you, they don't, they definitely don't trust their spouse. You know what I mean? But if you're going into the, the marriage, Right. You should trust that person.

John [00:17:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:17:37]: I'm not saying that stuff doesn't happen where unfortunately you end up getting a divorce and now you don't trust that person. But really you should be as close to a hundred percent confident that your relationship can sustain anything and that your partner's not gonna go astray or whatever. Again, that's not a hundred percent in my control. Like I can't control what you're gonna do.

John [00:18:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:18:03]: But I can trust you 100% knowing that I know who you are and I know what our relationship is like.

John [00:18:12]: Right.

Nicole [00:18:12]: And I don't have to stress about that and I'm not going to stress about that. Because again, all of this is just women stressing before they need to stress.

John [00:18:20]: And they, and they've lowered their standards. Imagine a world in which women had high standards. Imagine a world in which women didn't sleep with a guy. Right. Unless he was actually a real man.

Nicole [00:18:34]: Yeah.

John [00:18:34]: Which means that he knew not just how to talk, but how to manage his finances and how to like, actually be a. You know.

Nicole [00:18:42]: Do you know how many single women there'd be?

John [00:18:45]: But, but yes, at first. Right. But then what would have to happen?

Nicole [00:18:50]: Men would get mad, though. I think men would get mad. They wouldn't get better.

John [00:18:54]: They would have to step up over time. Otherwise the human race dies and then good, good riddance to the human race.

Nicole [00:19:00]: But honestly, like, you know, but I, I don't know if men would really step up.

John [00:19:06]: But that's. You're doing the same thing that they're doing of not trusting. Right.

Nicole [00:19:10]: It's like, I trust other men. I only trust you.

John [00:19:12]: My God. I know, but you have to trust the men. I know, I know. But I was also not that man at one point and I became that man.

Nicole [00:19:20]: Yeah, but I highly doubt you were. Men are not born of some of these people.

John [00:19:23]: I mean, maybe not at some of the, at the level, but I was, I was an immat mature dummy at one point. And they had to learn these skills. So if I can learn them, another. Another man can, but they have to be challenged. Men thrive.

Nicole [00:19:37]: Right.

John [00:19:37]: Way in challenge. Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:38]: With standards.

John [00:19:39]: Exactly. And so if women, if you imagine a world where women didn't even sleep with the man unless he had his. Besides just, you know, being courteous and being a leader and, and, and being a man that he had his finances together, and they're like, hey, I mean, like, it's, it's not like, how much money do you make? It's like, do you actually budget? You have a budget? Like, do you have some plans for your financial future? You know, I mean, but that's why a lot of times, you know, if we go back to the old, oh, people are really going to hate me now. But you know, it would be the, the father, right. Would, Would interview the prospective suitor for the, for the daughter and would be like, okay, like, how are you going to support a family? Oh, what are your financial plans for the future? Like, what is your career? That's. You're a clerk. That's not a career. What's your actual career plan? Like, what are you going to do so that he's making sure that this dude is actually a man. You know what I mean? Because if women had that standard, then they wouldn't get into a situation where they don't trust the guy.

Nicole [00:20:41]: Right?

John [00:20:41]: That's what I. That's all I'm trying to say.

Nicole [00:20:43]: So now they have to be the dad. Women. You have to be the dad and ask him about his financial future. Look, and this is coming from somebody that when I was with a boyfriend in college and I lived with him, he did not have a savings. And I was like, what are you doing? And I was three years younger than him, right? Which is not a lot, but I was younger than him. And so I was like, how am I more responsible than you? You don't have a savings account. And he, again, was like, I guess, like a lot of men that these women married, he would spend money on certain things that I'd be like, what are you doing? Like, we have bills to pay, Right?

John [00:21:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:24]: Like, what is happening? So I get where these women are coming from. But like you said.

John [00:21:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:29]: You either settle for that and you have the stress now all on you. You're the leader, Right. And women will act like, oh, yeah, Like, I want that. Because, yes, there is a part of us as women, we want to be in control. So that is very enticing. However, I'm talking to the ladies here. Having been on that side, and I was the leader, and I was in control, and now you're the leader, and you're in control with. For the most of the stuff. I would gladly take this with a man that I trust. I know has my best interest in heart and I know is not going to do me wrong. Then go back to being the one in control and making all the decisions and managing all the things well.

John [00:22:11]: And answer me this question, Nicole, honestly. Am I hard on men?

Nicole [00:22:16]: Yes.

John [00:22:17]: How hard am I on men?

Nicole [00:22:19]: Very hard.

John [00:22:19]: Right. Okay. So for the. For when women watch this and listen to this, I'm like, look, if the dude is not financially capable, okay, maybe give him a chance and, like, say, hey, like, I'm not gonna do this. Like, you.

Nicole [00:22:36]: You know, give him a chance while he's your boyfriend and he can mess up his own. Or if you're married and not join y. Yeah.

John [00:22:43]: Or if you're married, like, be like, look, this is important to me. Like, you know, you should be handling this stuff. And if you're like, you don't trust him whatever thing, and he can't and you really can't do it, then just kick his ass to the curb, get a divorce. Whatever. Get, kick his ass to the curb.

Nicole [00:22:58]: So divorce him. If he's not financially literate, fuck that guy.

John [00:23:02]: Like, because like I said, I'm hard on men, right? I'm not, I'm not as hard on women, honestly. I'm not. Right. Because I feel like the man's supposed to be the leader. And so like, the reason why I'm saying this is because a lot of women are like, oh, he's so chauvinist, old fashioned, blah, blah, blah. He's like, you know, just domineering, control women don't, you know, financially abuse women. And it's like, no, I'm actually harder on the men because, because my, my whole point is, is that like, yeah, I'm ready to like kick his ass to the curtain. Because I think a lot of women are thinking, oh, he's like, oh, good old boy. Like, men are better than women. Like, men should be in control, in charge. No, no, not pussy only, Right, Exactly. Not pussy ass. Men, they, they need to just be kicked to the curb. Like, let's end their evolutionary line. They don't need to procreate and reproduce.

Nicole [00:23:48]: And let's go back to the novels that women love hard.

John [00:23:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:23:52]: Are there guys in there where the woman, like, does the woman in the book control everything? And she's like, yeah, honey, just, just sit on the couch and watch your football. No, he's like, handling all the things.

John [00:24:03]: Right?

Nicole [00:24:04]: So, like, deep down a woman wants what we're talking about.

John [00:24:08]: Right.

Nicole [00:24:08]: But that's why I'm trying to say is like, I get that it's coming from a place of fear and coming from a place of not trusting the man that they're with because again, I've been on both sides and I don't want to go back to that side. And that side is stressful. And you, you are more likely to post on a video that you're pissed off about the man saying that, you know, a woman shouldn't have to deal with that stress because you're dealing with that stress that triggers you. Then you're like spewing that on everybody. Like, I get it. But that doesn't mean that your viewpoint is correct.

John [00:24:39]: Right? Yeah.

Nicole [00:24:40]: And I mean, I can I guess even say that our viewpoint is correct, but in a way I can say it's correct.

John [00:24:47]: It's correct.

Nicole [00:24:48]: Like if you're sitting here commenting that you're in control of the things and your husband doesn't even care, slash know what you're doing to manage the finances.

John [00:24:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:24:57]: You're no Better than what we're saying, right? Because you're doing what we're saying, right?

John [00:25:01]: Which I'm saying, like, I guess we can go to the. To the actual thing is. Is that. What I'm saying is that, you know, how does a man take care of his. His woman, right? Like, the way that he does that is. Is stepping up and actually being a servant leader, which means that you put her first. Your house for like. Like yesterday. I want to take a nap, right? I'm super tired. I'm working hard. And you're like, oh, I can take care. I could call the. The plumber or whatever. And I'm like, no, I'm not gonna take my nap. I'm gonna go and take care of the thing. That's how you take care. That's what a Servant lyrics a man. Cause you could have done it.

Nicole [00:25:39]: And this was a stressful thing. Like, the toilet was spewing a lot of water. It made a weird noise. And then.

John [00:25:45]: And I've had plenty of work and stressful week I've been working on. But. But it's like the way that you do this is by. It is. It is a ma. A matter of sacrifice. It is a matter of, like, things are not equal. Like, you're going to do more as a man and be okay with that because you're the man. That's what it means to be the man. That means that, like, you're taking care of all of the things that you can to take them off of her plate so that she doesn't have to worry and stress about these things. Right? And that's where the taking the financial part comes in. It's not because you want to control it. It's not because you think that she's not competent. It's not because, you know, whatever. Like, you want to use it to manipulate to. To get. To get her to behave in a certain way or like, so that she can never leave you. Those are not the reasons. The reason why is because you want to take care of her. You want her to feel like she's taken care of. Like, you've got it handled. And you might say, oh, okay, well then why couldn't I just share exactly what's going on with the finances? Is because it's going to stress her out. It is like. And if you've really got it handled and she trusts you, then there's not going to be a problem, right? And that. That's the thing. It's like. And. And. And it's like, yeah, it. Because you asked me, you're like, oh, if I wanted to see some of the stuff that's going on. Yeah, I'm happy to show you the stuff. I'm just not going to report it on a weekly basis to you. I'm not going to like you to.

Nicole [00:27:13]: Do that because then that's like, another thing that I'm like, okay, I have to sit for this meeting, right? Like, I trust you. Like, if it's every so often or if I feel like I'm forgetting or whatever, I can ask you. Also, like, it's. It's not that big of a deal, you know?

John [00:27:28]: I mean, I probably shouldn't even tell you, like, I spent $16,000 on sales training because it probably, like, you're like, oh, my God.

Nicole [00:27:34]: I trust you to know that I wouldn't spend $16,000 if that affected the rest of our finances. Does that make sense? So it's like, yeah, that's a lot of money. I tell you that every time you say something like that. But I also trust you and know that you wouldn't spend that if we didn't have the means to do that. You know what I mean? Like, if other things were being neglected for that, which is what these women are talking about, because they have men that would spend the 16,000 or whatever, and that would be their rent. And then now what are they?

John [00:28:08]: And that's what I'm saying is, like, if you got a guy that you can't trust like that, right? Then you either. If you love him, good, then. Then don't allow him to be a child. Like, help him be a man. Right. But if you don't love him enough that you're going to help him be a man, then kick him to the curb.

Nicole [00:28:27]: But I.

John [00:28:28]: Okay, it's a hard world for men because.

Nicole [00:28:30]: Okay, I'm gonna talk about this because with the. The boyfriend in college.

John [00:28:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:34]: I was trying to help him be a man.

John [00:28:36]: Yeah. But that's not helping him be a man.

Nicole [00:28:40]: Then I think you need to explain that, because women think trying to teach a man how to literally be a man, and then she feels even more like the man. Now she doesn't want anything to do with you, like, romantically.

John [00:28:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:52]: And you're almost like having a child rather than.

John [00:28:55]: Let me tell you how they used to teach men how to be men. How, like, in the tribes, they send.

Nicole [00:29:00]: Them out to kill an animal, and.

John [00:29:02]: They'Re like, here, back with the animal, there's no instruction. All right, Three days, you go out there, like, here's A. Here's a stick. But give me all your clothes. Like, run out there naked and figure the shit out and maybe you'll die and then. But if you don't come back and you're a man, that's it. That's it. Because that's how you like, you gotta. The way that a man learns to be a man, he can learn other things in other ways. But the way I learn a man learns how to be a man is that he takes on life, which is lifing and is hard, and he deals with it and he doesn't get help to deal with it because he's got to deal with it. You know what I'm saying? And if he does actually need the help, then he, he, he has to go.

Nicole [00:29:41]: What can a woman do to send her man out there to potentially die? Not really, but you know what I.

John [00:29:47]: Mean by not allowing. But by having standards, being like, I'm a lady. This is like, you know, even the thing, like, you know, I don't open my own door. Like, like I don't open my own door. I'm a lady. I could break my nails. Like, yeah, like, you're, you're teaching him. Like, you know, and it doesn't have to be all negative. It can be positive. Oh, it's. That's so hot when you do that. It. And you know, is it getting moist in here? Like, you know, like, I'm trying to keep the, the podcast more PG than, you know, not, not directly talk about it, you know, but. But it can be. It could be that as well. But, but, and, but especially in the financial side is just to be like, look, you, you, you take care of this, you pay the bills.

Nicole [00:30:36]: It is scarier for women if you're married and it's conjoined because that is going to affect you. But that's why I said earlier. Yeah, but you got try to let him flounder before you guys get married and conjoined.

John [00:30:48]: You got yourself into this situation, I get it. Where you're, you know, and people like.

Nicole [00:30:53]: Oh, well, you accepted it and then now you're upset about it and like, you're doing most of the work, but you signed up for.

John [00:31:00]: Yeah. Are you. Are there's people that think that they're perfectly happy like these women. Like, oh, it's an equal partnership. This is ridiculous. Like, I make money, he makes money. We equally make all the decisions and budget the thing. Which is fine. Like, totally cool for a business partnership.

Nicole [00:31:16]: Here's why that's better. Because they have Never, ever, ever, ever, ever met a man that they could give 100% trust you.

John [00:31:24]: Right?

Nicole [00:31:24]: So 50. 50 equal is better than a guy that's doing absolutely Nothing, where she's 100% the man and he's the woman, basically.

John [00:31:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:36]: So at least if they find a man that does half of his stuff that's better than that.

John [00:31:41]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:41]: You know what I mean? But that's why they're happy with it, because they're like, oh, okay, at least I'm getting half of the work. They've never had a man do all of the stuff and they just get to, you know, exist and not stress.

John [00:31:52]: And. And they could. Like I said that you can operate that way and. And be like, okay, partnership, whatever. And that's fine. Like from a very theoretical standpoint, business partnership. Great.

Nicole [00:32:02]: Right.

John [00:32:03]: But you're gonna read your smut novels and wishing that you had a, you know, to. To. Because you're not gonna have a sexual relationship. You're not gonna have.

Nicole [00:32:12]: Well, not at the level.

John [00:32:13]: No. No. You're not gonna have a polarity. And if you're both, like, see each other as perfectly equal, interchangeable parts that it's like, then you might as well swap it for another woman or another guy. Like, why. Why does it have to be a man and a woman in that case, or whatever, you know, or even. Even. Let's not even say man and women, because there's people that. That have a different. That there it's man and man or woman, which is. But it's not. It's not masculine and masculine and it's not feminine feminine. Because even in the, you know, the LBG TQ community, they recognize polarity of masculine and feminine. There's a. There's a top and a bottom. There's a. Whatever a dominant sub like, those things create.

Nicole [00:32:58]: So rather than just two halves of the same. Yeah.

John [00:33:01]: So however you slice it, like, if you're being, like, neutralized from a polarities perspective, you're not going to have a spark. Can have a negative pool and a positive pole. So.

Nicole [00:33:13]: Well, someone also said, is this shielding or controlling?

John [00:33:18]: But that's. But that's. What I was saying was that if you're. If you're.

Nicole [00:33:23]: It's like how you view it.

John [00:33:24]: Right. But. But that's. It's the dynamic of the entire relationship. Right? Like. Well, I can ask you, like, in our relationship, am I controlling you?

Nicole [00:33:34]: No.

John [00:33:35]: So then what am I doing then? Then why do I need. If I'm not controlling you, why do I need to be the leader why do I need to be the one in charge?

Nicole [00:33:44]: Because you love me and you want to take care of me.

John [00:33:47]: No, but like I, but, but why?

Nicole [00:33:50]: Okay, you're gonna handle this stuff. You can do it and handle the stuff better.

John [00:33:55]: Right?

Nicole [00:33:56]: But even if you can't, it's admirable for you to even do the stuff so that I never even have to stress about it, even if it's super stressful for you. Does that make sense? So it's like you're trying to give me a better life and handle all this stuff because you know, you're capable.

John [00:34:12]: Right? Like I can't, I can't actually shield you.

Nicole [00:34:16]: Right.

John [00:34:16]: Unless I'm in charge. Yeah, right. Because otherwise I have to be like, oh, I need you to approve of this, this thing. Like all the things I'm trying to protect you from.

Nicole [00:34:28]: Right.

John [00:34:28]: I now have to stress you out with because I need you to be part of making that decision. Now again, I'm not saying that there's not decisions that we don't. That, that I don't have your input in in order for me to make the ultimate decision on. Or there's not decisions that I'm like you, you can, whatever you decide, I'm, I believe like I trust you 100% on that, like delegate that to you. But ultimately if I don't have the authority, then I can't actually do the shielding. I can't actually do the protecting.

Nicole [00:34:57]: Right, Right.

John [00:34:58]: Because I don't have the power behind it. So I gotta be able to make a lot of decisions, even some of them without you even knowing about those decisions. Not because I'm hiding them or trying to control you, but because I am actually shielding you from those decisions.

Nicole [00:35:12]: Like what?

John [00:35:13]: I don't know, like just day to day business things that I spend money on or that I, that I, you know, make or you know, or even when I'm handling our finances in terms of the real estate rentals and you know, and all of those things and you know, that type of stuff. Or maybe even on the utilities. Right. It's like, okay, well this, this is going to be charging this much money, you know, am I going to change it or use someone else or you know, all of those things. Like you don't need to know all of those things. Right?

Nicole [00:35:43]: Well, because I know that you have our best interest in heart. So it's like I just wanted you to give some examples so that people understood. But yeah, no, I don't. Again, that's why the comments. This didn't Bother me because they just can't get it. Like they don't really get what you're saying. And I get that the clip is a little misleading, but they don't know you like I know you and they don't have a man that is like you. So I get that they're just talking from their perspective and I get that they're living from a place of fear and I get why. Because they're in survival mode whether they know it or not. I'm not in survival mode. I'm the furthest thing from survival mode.

John [00:36:23]: I'm like, well, and, and maybe it helps you.

Nicole [00:36:26]: It's like the, the first time I've been out of survival mode, I feel like. And they just, they don't understand that because they don't have the person there to be a partner with. Like they're like, I want a partner. I don't feel like we're not partners. No, but it's not, it's not partners is in 50 50.

John [00:36:44]: But it partners in their relationship.

Nicole [00:36:46]: Yeah. Like it's. We're one unit. We're a unit, I guess, partner. Like a lot of people think 50, 50. Yeah. But it's like we're, we're a collective unit. It's like the yin and the yang, like we've talked about. But it makes one. But they're two distinct things.

John [00:37:02]: Right?

Nicole [00:37:02]: Like we're not two of the same.

John [00:37:04]: No, it, I think it helps maybe to understand the mentality. Right. The psychology. Because like I said, I wanted to talk about how a man keeps a wife or keeps a woman, how, how he takes care of, you know, and, and like my mentality as a man is this, is that I'm responsible for everything. I'm responsible for your life, for, for our, our children life. I'm responsible for like making the money, making sure that the money spent correctly, making sure that we have a long term future and the money's invested correctly. I'm responsible for. If there's something that you don't know that you should know. I'm responsible for your emotional well being, your emotional development, your physical well being, like your physical health and development, your psychological, spiritual, like all of those things in my mind, I'm ultimately responsible for every aspect of our lives. That's how I view it. And so that's where it all starts from is like viewing it as being totally 100% responsible. I'm not blaming anyone, I can't say it's anyone else's fault for everything that occurs in our lives. If you take that level of ownership and responsibility, then it doesn't seem very ridiculous to be in charge of the finances to a degree. Or it's like, you don't even have to worry about it. I've got it. Because I'm taking care of way bigger things than just the financial side of things. But that's where the mentality has to be. And if you're with a man who doesn't have that mentality where he doesn't feel like, if he's like, well, you're responsible for these things and I'm responsible for these things or even the relationship. Like, I was talking to one of my friends, Josh, you know, who, who helps men. He's a, He's a licensed therapist. And, and he, he got some flack on the Internet because he made a post where he was saying that a man is 100% responsible for the failure of a relationship, and all these statistics and psychologists were attacking him. And, and it's like, no, that's. That's the viewpoint.

Nicole [00:39:15]: Who was the most upset? Men.

John [00:39:18]: Yeah, I think men. Men were the most upset about that. Right. Some women, obviously, too. But. But it's like, no, that's the viewpoint that I have. Is that as. As a man, like, it might not be 100% true. Right? Yeah. Can a woman mess up a relationship? Yeah, of course. But as a man, I'm taking on that total responsibility and taking it on myself, and that's. And that's how I have to view things as. Ultimately, the buck stops here. There's no excuse. There's no other reason or person to blame. Right. Because even if you do have an issue with the woman that you're with, it's up to you to help her to understand where she's going wrong and to give her the, the help to figure out how to fix those things.

Nicole [00:40:09]: But what if she doesn't? Because I agree with you that, you know, if you're gonna lead, yeah, you are responsible.

John [00:40:18]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:18]: But there does come a point where you can't force somebody to do something.

John [00:40:23]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:23]: You know, if you're helping her with something and she doesn't have the willpower to do it, she doesn't want to do it for herself, and she doesn't do it right. Then what?

John [00:40:31]: Then, then as a man, that's the.

Nicole [00:40:33]: Scar that bow out and.

John [00:40:35]: Or, no, that's the scar you have to carry. Now you have a defective situation that you can't fix. Like, I think that's. I mean, ultimately this is coming with the same with the advice of saying that when you got into this, you were that man. Right? Because you have to be that man from the very beginning with that mindset. Right? Because if you select a woman that is not a woman that you should be with, right? Then you got to deal with the consequences of that because that is taking full ownership as a man, even then trying to bow out, I mean, aside from an extremely abusive type of situation, is like, if she's just not doing what she's supposed to be doing or what you want her to do, or she's not growing or whatever, she's very stubborn. That's still, you got to deal with that because you made that choice as a woman.

Nicole [00:41:23]: But men deal with that by cheating or something.

John [00:41:26]: Well, I mean, that's not dealing with it as a man. That's not really. Right, right. And I can speak from experience of, of making mistakes. Right, right. And, and people all often will, will point out and be like, oh, yeah, I mean, you, you did. You made these. Ms. Well, I mean, would you rather learn from someone who's made mistakes and learn from them or someone who hasn't yet made the mistakes? Because there's only two types of men. There's only two types of people, people who have made the mistakes and learned from them. I guess maybe you could say there's three people who haven't learned from them or people that who haven't made.

Nicole [00:42:01]: Yes.

John [00:42:01]: Because they will make those mistakes if they haven't learned.

Nicole [00:42:04]: Right.

John [00:42:05]: So.

Nicole [00:42:06]: Yeah, yeah.

John [00:42:07]: But, but how is, as a man, you know, to get in kind of the second part, like, financially, what does this look like? Because, because I mean, the biggest complaint that women had, right, was that what.

Nicole [00:42:19]: Happens if you die and she doesn't know what, what the finances look like or anything like.

John [00:42:26]: So let's address that. Like, that's, I think it's pretty simple. So for most people's situations, their situation is simple. It's not like ours, right? We have a bunch of real estate businesses, all kinds of complicated legal structures and things like that, which I'll address that as well. But for most people, this is kind of a ridiculous thing to just even say, because if you just a dude working a job that you're getting paid from someone else and you have a house and you have bills, right? Like, it's not super complicated.

Nicole [00:42:55]: Right.

John [00:42:56]: First of all, you, it's kind of.

Nicole [00:42:57]: Giving when guys who have no money are like, that girl's a gold digger. And you're like, you don't have any gold to dig, sir.

John [00:43:04]: Exactly. Like I mean, hopefully you have like stuff organized as a man, just in general, where if you died, she could pull up your Google Doc and spreadsheet and be able to see, like, still be organized. You're on like whatever, you know, budgeting app or something. Or you have some kind of right, you know, where, where you wouldn't even need to provide a document. But I mean, you should probably have some kind of documentation, right. Where, okay, if I pass away, here's how you understand it. Or, or you can, instead of having the documentation, you could show her what you're doing, right. And be like, okay, you don't need to worry about this. But just so you know. But that's going to like, that's.

Nicole [00:43:41]: You should still forget about, just in case. I feel like you would have to check in more regularly.

John [00:43:47]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:43:48]: In order to make sure that she understands how it operates rather than if you wrote it down.

John [00:43:53]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [00:43:54]: Yeah, right.

John [00:43:54]: It's like, you know, so you can look at the document, like you can explain to her and show her the document and then you've got the document to go back to so that you understand what this means. Right? Yeah, but most likely actually the best thing in that for most people's circumstances, just life insurance, right? So, so as a responsible man, if you're just working a regular job, you don't have kind of a real estate empire and all other kind of assets and stuff, then you're just going to buy a life insurance policy so that if you die or when you die, when something happens to you, that she's going to get a million dollars, whatever is necessary in order to take care of your funeral expenses and to, you know, to take care of the house and then some documentation of, okay, how do you, like, are there certain bills and contact information and stuff like that? So that's very like one day worth of work and you. And you can take care of that problem. So that's why I don't understand so many people are. I mean, I understand because they're, they're using this as a smokescreen because really they don't trust the man, Right. Because they're like, oh, what happens if he dies?

Nicole [00:44:55]: They don't even trust him to make a will or write something down. And honestly, a lot of people don't, Right. Even when they get elderly, they don't write all this stuff down and it creates a mess. Right. So it's like, you know, everybody should really do it to some degree, have some sort of.

John [00:45:14]: Right.

Nicole [00:45:14]: Documentation. But especially the man, if he's Running all the things. I mean, these women who are like, I do everything and my husband doesn't care, they should die.

John [00:45:23]: Right? Yeah. What happens if you die? Then he's kind of like, you have.

Nicole [00:45:26]: It all written down for your husband. Like, if you're watching this, if you're one of those women, you probably should, because he's going to be in the dark and. Or he's going to be, you know.

John [00:45:33]: Do you have life insurance?

Nicole [00:45:35]: Buying car parts and then he doesn't have a house. I'll have to live in his car. He doesn't know. So write your stuff down.

John [00:45:43]: But. But yeah, but you have to have some kind. Like, that's, that's the, the easiest financial instrument is a life insurance policy, which I don't, I don't have, because we'll get to that, because I have a better plan for us. But. But you need to think about this as a man. And like I said, it's literally a day worth of work to figure this out. So that's why when you're saying, like, oh, what happens if he dies? And she doesn't know how to. She doesn't know how to like, like, figure out how to log on to the bank account and then to pay the bills, like, she, like, like, this is. You could teach a sixth grader how to do this stuff. Like, yeah, have a documentation and a document, and maybe for a couple days, she's like, oh, I don't understand all the bills that we have. Well, it's like, okay, you have a water bill, you have electricity bill, you know, you got a mortgage or rent bill. It's not, it's not like, it's super complicated that she has to be in it every step of the way.

Nicole [00:46:35]: Right.

John [00:46:36]: It's like, you know, if she knew nothing about the bills or whatever you were doing with the accounts and you passed away and you could have it all in the document or a video that explains it. And literally in a day, you could understand that that's not for most people. Right. For our situation, it would not.

Nicole [00:46:53]: Right.

John [00:46:54]: It wouldn't be that. That easy. But. But having the life insurance policy makes sense. And then also with those people, too, when they're like, okay, well, we've got shared finances and all of this stuff, and you're both making it. Yeah, but did you actually set up a trust? Because also, you don't know about probate. Right. And so the people that are lecturing me, if either one of you dies, like, a lot of your possessions may go to probate, but so we have a family trust which we're both executors of the trust. And so if either of us dies, it doesn't matter because everything is owned by the trust. So that's another thing that any couple should be doing anyway. Right. Again, I'm not a lawyer. I don't know any legal. This is not, this does not constitute legal advice. This is just the ramblings of some idiot on the Internet. So, you know. But yeah, so, so talk to your lawyer. But, you know, figure that out. So, but then when it comes down to like our plan, like, what do I have figured out? Well, I have a very detailed document that I have. I've sent you. Right. That very detailed specifies with. Which has links to spreadsheets, which have the real estate, which all of the stuff and how to handle leases and all of that stuff. Right. And yeah.

Nicole [00:48:08]: And the management companies.

John [00:48:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:10]: Yeah, yeah.

John [00:48:11]: And look, if you had to figure all that stuff out, even with a document, it would be quite a bit for sure.

Nicole [00:48:17]: It is a lot. But and I think the thing that we had talked about too, when we were kind of discussing this a little bit more in depth after we saw the comments was that just I feel like grieving.

John [00:48:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:29]: And dealing with financial stuff, no matter what, no matter who you are, even if you know what you're doing.

John [00:48:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:36]: Even if you're 50. 50 and you've been involved the whole time, it's going to be hard anyway.

John [00:48:40]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:41]: But like I said before, unless you got married fresh out of high school and you didn't have any bills to pay.

John [00:48:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:49]: Like you have paid bills, you paid rent, you've paid whatever.

John [00:48:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:53]: Like you know how to do those things.

John [00:48:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:56]: And even if, like I have not owned real estate prior, right. To being with you, so that is something I don't have full knowledge of. But also you've laid it out. We've talked about the properties and the things like that. I don't still have the full picture, but I could learn it or get someone to help me figure it out as well too. So it's like I, I'm not going to stress like these people on the Internet.

John [00:49:23]: Right.

Nicole [00:49:24]: And I get though, that they've probably seen people who've been put in a bad situation. But that's because, right. The other person that was handling all this stuff didn't prepare.

John [00:49:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:49:33]: Them with like a document or those things or they didn't trust them or, you know, they chose to be or.

John [00:49:39]: They had a mountain of debt and it's like oh, we're actually in a very bad situation financially. It's like, oh, you owe all this money and, Yeah, I get that when you pass. But that's. That's. It's not because she was in the dark.

Nicole [00:49:52]: Right.

John [00:49:52]: It's because he was an idiot. Like, you can't fix that part. Like, you know, I'm saying, like, if she was still in the light and saw that they had all this debt and he was still an idiot managing the finances, it doesn't change much, except that she gets to dread it for the years while he's alive and when he's dead.

Nicole [00:50:07]: Right.

John [00:50:08]: Like, it doesn't. You know, I mean, or maybe she.

Nicole [00:50:09]: Tries to stress about it then and. Yeah, right.

John [00:50:12]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:50:12]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:50:13]: So that's. That's the thing about that, is, like, you just have to have a plan as a man. Okay. If something happens to you.

Nicole [00:50:20]: Plan as a man.

John [00:50:21]: Yeah. How will your wife take care? Like. Like, you know, so I documented all the things, you know, and then I have a trust that we're set up on so you have all the assets. And then I have some friends that I know could help you that could figure out that are, you know, have enough financial knowledge that if something happened to me, they'd be able to tell you, okay, yeah, this is. They could figure out, okay, yeah, this is what he's doing because they have some real estate experience. Or, okay, this is how, like, they could read the document, explain it to you or give you some advice and be like, yeah, maybe you should just sell all.

Nicole [00:50:57]: I would just figure it out.

John [00:50:58]: Yeah. Or maybe they'd be like, okay, maybe you should just sell all of this stuff and, you know, and not have to worry about that. Or you can make the decision then. But you see what I'm saying? It's like, I've thought it out to give you the best plan possible.

Nicole [00:51:11]: Right, Right.

John [00:51:12]: And that's. That's what you can do.

Nicole [00:51:13]: But that's also why, again, that none of this, like, triggered me. It triggered them.

John [00:51:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:19]: Because I get where they're living at. I get where they're coming from. I get the knowledge that they have.

John [00:51:24]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:25]: That is different than what we have.

John [00:51:28]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:28]: So. But that's why we wanted to do this other extra episode, because we even left out the part about, you know, making a plan as a man. If you're in this situation, and I mean, like I said, just in general, if you're a woman who's doing the finances and your husband's in the dark, you need a plan. As well, too.

John [00:51:45]: You shouldn't be doing that. That's.

Nicole [00:51:48]: You're gonna screw your husband over if you don't have a plan and you're.

John [00:51:51]: Still operating that by their own logic. Right, Right. But.

Nicole [00:51:54]: Yeah, right, exactly. So it's like, you know, there was a lot still to uncover here, I guess, but hopefully we made it a little bit.

John [00:52:02]: But that's why I tried to explain the mindset too, right? As a man. Look, I'm hard on men, like I said. Yeah, life is tough for men. It's supposed to be. That's why you're the man. Like to really be a man. Like to live as a boy, it's fine. Like, it can be the same, it can be equal. You can complain about women have it easier. Or it should be 50, 50 or whatever. If you want to live as a boy, that's fine. Like, you know, I believe there's three sexes, man, woman, and boy. And if you want to be boy and woman, then okay, be that if you want. But if you actually want to be a man, then it means that your mindset needs to be, I'm in charge of everything and responsible for everything.

Nicole [00:52:42]: Right?

John [00:52:42]: And like, and the buck stops here, which means that you got to think about also what happens after you pass. Like, how can this woman actually put her life in your hands and trust you? And how do you really have everything taken care of, right? And it's not about just even just making her life easier. It's like to fully being. Taking on their responsibility, right? Which means you got to think about things, all the things, right.

Nicole [00:53:08]: And plan for them.

John [00:53:09]: Right? And here's the thing. If you're that guy, right, Then I think a lot of women that even say they would. Would swear on. On their. Their mother's grave that they would never ever. Or swear in the Bible that they would never, ever accept a man that. That did all those things that would be in charge or be in control. I think even a lot of those women would be like, oh, okay, yeah, actually this is an exception in this case. Or like, you know, they would, right? Because why.

Nicole [00:53:36]: Why would you can't even fathom that a man like that exists. That's why they read the books. That seems like a fantasy. Like, I get it. I've been. Before you came along, I was them.

John [00:53:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:53:46]: You know what I mean? So. But again, like you said, you can't settle. Like, I mean, if you're in a marriage right now, you can try to flip it around. Like you said, you can read the surrendered wife or the empowered wife. And those are good ways to try to flip the dynamic to what we're talking about. But if you're still single or even if you're dating and you haven't gotten to the marriage part yet, and you want a strong, masculine man that you trust, and like you said, it's going to give you servant leadership, not controlling, bossing leadership.

John [00:54:20]: Right.

Nicole [00:54:21]: And you'll know the difference.

John [00:54:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:54:23]: Because you'll know who he is as a person. Then you have to wait for that. You can't settle, like. And I get that as a woman, sometimes you're like, will my Prince Charming ever come? You have to wait.

John [00:54:35]: Well. And you can't squash it. Like, that's why that book is. What was the Queen's code? The Queen's code is so important because what's it. It's Armstrong, Alison Armstrong. Right. Because she talks about, like, the frog. The frog farmers. Women who are crushing that in a man instead of allowing it to develop. Yeah. There are some men that. It doesn't matter. Well, but they're going to walk away. That's the thing is they're. They're going to. They're going to be like, they're going to be done with you.

Nicole [00:55:02]: The woman could learn because she lost a good man.

John [00:55:05]: But as a woman, you have to, like, not emasculate the man. Especially a man who has the potential. Right. He might not be the king right now and have that confidence, because especially in this world environment that we're in, it's.

Nicole [00:55:20]: But you got to be careful with potential.

John [00:55:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:55:23]: Because sometimes you think somebody has potential that they don't actually have.

John [00:55:27]: What I'm saying is the potential in the sense that, like, you don't want to be the one that crushes the potential.

Nicole [00:55:34]: But he's doing the things.

John [00:55:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:55:36]: But you don't want to crush it.

John [00:55:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:55:39]: He might do those things. I'm like, that's dangerous.

John [00:55:42]: I mean, he's trying to do the things, and then you are emasculating.

Nicole [00:55:46]: Let me do it. Let me do it.

John [00:55:47]: Yeah. Or you're emasculating him, making him not feel like a man, and then you're actually causing his development to go downward instead of the upward path that he was on.

Nicole [00:55:58]: That's true, but.

John [00:55:59]: Yeah, but yeah, you have to hold that standard. You're right. And that's how it should be. And that's what I'm saying is like. And if we flip that, right. And if you're a woman and you're like, okay, I want to Be in charge of all the things someone would be like, yeah, that'd be fine. Yeah, yeah. But the burden of, are you really ready for the full burden of responsibility that in like, are you, like, you would say, yeah, I'd be in charge of all things and I could take care of all the things. Yeah, but also, would you take 100 responsibility for everything that happens? And even if your man up, then you're still 100 responsible because you allowed him to fuck up? I don't think so. I think most of them. But that's what I'm calling men to do.

Nicole [00:56:39]: Right?

John [00:56:40]: And that's why I'm saying, like, the burden, the, you know, the crown is heavy on the head that, that wears it. Right. It's like that crown is a heavy crown to bear because you're responsible for the thing. It's not something that you put on the crown. And like, I'm the king and you have to listen to me. And it's like you, like you should, anyone who would want to be king should, should, should consider that a burden on him. Not, not a privilege. You know what I'm saying? Like, it is, it is a privilege. But I'm saying it's not, it's not.

Nicole [00:57:08]: A, it's not an easy thing. Like, yeah, it's harder.

John [00:57:10]: Yeah, it's something that you, like, you do because you know that you are the best person to, to do. Like, it's a, it's a sacrifice that you make in order to be the king rather than something that you're like, oh, I want to be the king so I can be in charge of everyone. It's like, I will sacrifice my life to be the king because I know that I can make everyone else's life better by doing, by taking on this responsibility. That's what it's supposed to be. And if you're viewing it that way and the finances that way, then it's. I don't think that, you know, like I said, you're not going to get this situation where we have women in the comments that are saying this stuff, which I, which I even get, like I said, because they're coming from that other perspective. But if, if they understand this perspective of how the man is actually supposed to be, then those comments don't make sense. Right.

Nicole [00:58:01]: A lot of people are going to be leaving their husbands or trying to get them to be the man that they want him to be.

John [00:58:08]: But that's what it should be as a man, like, life is, I agree, hard.

Nicole [00:58:12]: The men might come for you Too, though.

John [00:58:14]: Then let them come for you. Yeah.

Nicole [00:58:17]: So don't actually come for John, then. You got to go through me. But, yeah, we do have an end segment.

John [00:58:26]: Yeah. See? So, yeah, I mean, we got into a bit of a. Of a. But it wasn't like a, you know, a.

Nicole [00:58:37]: You just didn't feel heard and understood. And I didn't really understand the situation that you were talking about fully.

John [00:58:46]: Right.

Nicole [00:58:46]: I was trying to.

John [00:58:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:58:48]: And it's not an excuse. I was trying to.

John [00:58:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:58:52]: But it was complicated until we had the recent conversation where I did actually get it.

John [00:58:59]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:00]: And so. Because we had had previous conversations and I was trying to figure it out, but it's. I still wasn't getting it. Right. You felt like I didn't really understand you.

John [00:59:11]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:11]: And then I was like, what the heck? I'm trying as hard as I can. But I didn't. It didn't fully click in my head. And in the conversation, I told you it. Like, I didn't have that epiphany moment then, either. Like, I had to have that moment where it really clicked in my head to understand what you wanted and what you were saying. Because in my mind, you were saying one thing, but then I was like, but I gotta care about you. And, like, that kind of negated what you wanted from me. And so then it finally hit that, like, no, like, I will care about you if I don't care about you. Does that make sense? That's why it made it so complicated.

John [00:59:54]: Yes, it made it so complicated. Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:56]: And so it was, like, just a very complicated situation. But because it had gone on for a while and I couldn't really get it, you thought that I didn't care about you or understood you, which wasn't the case. And then I was like, what do you mean? I'm doing all this stuff for you? And you're like, that doesn't make me feel like you care. And then I'm like, what does that mean? You know, it was just a very, like, yeah, complicated. Like, not complicated to you because you knew what you wanted, but complicated because it wasn't adding up for me. And then it finally added up. And then, you know, and then also, like, it was a situation that, again, didn't make sense to me, so I was getting defensive, which didn't help the situation, because I'm like, what do you mean? I'm doing all this stuff for you. And then you're like, you're being defensive. And I'm like, I'm just trying to figure out what the heck is going on? But then when I finally understood and, you know, we talked about it, it made it easier to understand that I was being defensive and that I didn't understand. But now I understand and.

John [01:00:54]: Well, yeah, and I mean, and everyone else doesn't understand because what the hell is she talking out. But.

Nicole [01:01:00]: Well, now, you know, but we're trying.

John [01:01:02]: To keep things pg. No, but. No, Right, but, but, but I think also, like, it was a learning moment for me to, to realize again, talking about the leadership, servant leadership, as a man, is that you have to, you have to say when there's something wrong immediately, like as quickly as possible, and then allow people to actually suffer their own consequences, like to take responsibility for things that they like it. If I'm in charge and I'm a leader, then I have everyone else that I'm in charge of that needs to actually own the stuff that they need to do. Because that is me actually being in charge because I can't take the responsibility for their results individually. Like, what they ultimately produce, I own in my education and training and helping them. Right. And assisting them as, as a, as a leader and a servant leader. Like, giving them the assistance that they need, but actually trying to own their results is overstepping because it prevents them from their growth. Right. And so what I was doing is. It wasn't just in your case, but in many cases, even with our daughter and in a lot of circumstances where I don't want to see someone fail. So I stopped them from failing instead of being like, hey, this is your thing. You're going to have. I'll help you, but you're going to have to figure it out. And if you don't, then that's what, you know, it's like. Instead I'm like, okay, let me, let me fix this for you. Let me fix all these things. And so I became a very big fixer because I feel like, well, I've got responsibilities, so I need to fix everything. And it's like, no, sometimes you have to let other people fix things. And when they fix things, then they'll.

Nicole [01:02:43]: Well, I think you were like, giving more chances in this situation. I don't think it was fixing because I don't feel like you fixed it before. Like, you would give me some examples, but I didn't really understand. Yeah, but more so, I think your idea of fixing was like giving me a pass for it. But then you were kind of like keeping that inside because it did hurt you, but you didn't talk about it.

John [01:03:10]: Right.

Nicole [01:03:11]: And so you more so gave me, like a pass.

John [01:03:13]: Right.

Nicole [01:03:14]: And then didn't talk about it. And then it did kind of build up, not like a full blown resentment, but it builded. It built up something because you didn't say initially when it hurt you. So that's why when you're talking about, like, like, I want you to tell me in that moment what is going on with you. I don't want you to hold on to it or like, you know, be like, whatever. Like, that doesn't mean. Don't give each other the benefit of the doubt and know that each other's coming from a better place. But it means, like, when something initially happens that you talk about it because you were kind of like shoving things down, not just with me, but with other people. And like, because you didn't want to be like, okay, you would probably tell yourself, well, they didn't, like, mean in. And like, they'll do better. And then you kept waiting for them to do better, but then you didn't tell them how you felt. And so they didn't know that they were doing anything wrong. Because, again, that's also what caused the defensiveness in our situation. You brought up something at one point that was from, like, January. And I'm like, you haven't said anything about this.

John [01:04:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:04:20]: At all.

John [01:04:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:04:22]: So it felt like very blindsidey, you know, and so.

John [01:04:25]: Because it wasn't bothering me. Right.

Nicole [01:04:28]: But you. It did then. But then you shoved it down, right?

John [01:04:31]: Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn't. Yeah, I didn't. It didn't. It didn't consciously come up for me.

Nicole [01:04:37]: But I do the same thing too, sometimes when I'm upset and you're like, what's wrong? You know, and like, you know, you're just better at hiding it. And then I'm like, okay. And the part of me is like, I don't want to tell him.

John [01:04:45]: Well, I wasn't hiding it. I wasn't hiding it.

Nicole [01:04:47]: Well, no, I meant. But like, it's harder to tell that something, like, is upsetting you for me to be like, what's wrong? I mean, sometimes I do.

John [01:04:53]: It was a subconscious thing that I had that I didn't even realize was something that had, you know, had affected me back then. Because you.

Nicole [01:05:01]: Yeah.

John [01:05:02]: You know, you don't even think about it.

Nicole [01:05:03]: But I mean, it still kind of is pushing it down. Because.

John [01:05:05]: Right, exactly.

Nicole [01:05:06]: Times when you're like, that's right. What's wrong? I'm like, this is kind of stupid. I don't have to tell him, like, I'll get over it.

John [01:05:13]: Right.

Nicole [01:05:13]: But then I'm like, no, I should just say it. And then it lets it all the way out. But see, even if you think in your head this is kind of stupid, I'll get over it.

John [01:05:21]: Right.

Nicole [01:05:23]: You're not actually getting over it.

John [01:05:24]: Right. Because what's happened is you've just lost you just letting go of the thread.

Nicole [01:05:29]: Right.

John [01:05:29]: That. And now you've lost it. But it's still fallen down into the.

Nicole [01:05:33]: Yeah, still there.

John [01:05:34]: Still in the pipe. I don't know why I'm thinking that's my analogy.

Nicole [01:05:37]: The plumbing.

John [01:05:38]: Yeah, it's still down there. But you don't have a string to pull it back up. Because you don't. But it's in there now.

Nicole [01:05:44]: But then when your toilet backs up.

John [01:05:46]: Yeah. That you're going to find it. That's why the analogy was. Yeah. Then it's going to come out.

Nicole [01:05:50]: All the stuff coming out.

John [01:05:51]: I was more brilliant than I even realized. But. But that's what happens.

Nicole [01:05:54]: Yeah. No, and that's what happened. And so, yeah, it was necessary. You know, things like that aren't fun, they're not fun to go through, but they're necessary.

John [01:06:05]: And I think just as a man too, it's like you're always going to still deal with and you have to kind of purge out all this nice guy and, and, and peacekeeping that you're trying to do where you don't want to rock the boat.

Nicole [01:06:19]: Yeah.

John [01:06:20]: And it's gotta be like, look, no, you gotta tell people when again, you need to do things in the right way, but you need to tell people when something upsets you, you tell people when they're wrong, when there needs to be like, you need to be willing to accept those consequences. And maybe they're not going to like it or maybe they're going to. But you can't be like, ah, I'm just going to say anything because I don't want to rock the boat here. Or they did pretty good. Like they did 80%. So I'll just give them the pass. It's like, no, no, no. If it's not what you need, then you need to say it, not give them the pass on the thing because it doesn't help anyone.

Nicole [01:06:51]: It rocks the boat a million times more to wait for it to explode than if you gently nudge the boat when it's actually happening.

John [01:06:58]: Right. And then just accept whatever the situation is going to be. Because that's the hardest thing, I think, as a man, is just to like, to be that right It's a level of assertiveness that even. Even me, like, I, you know, I'm. I've got a lot of things figured out, but it's still hard sometimes to overcome that. That boy tendency that we have in us as a man and be like, no, I need to be assertive in these situations and say the thing. I can do it kindly.

Nicole [01:07:24]: Right? Well, that's. You need to do it kindly.

John [01:07:27]: Right. But it. But.

Nicole [01:07:28]: And women need to as well, like, when they bring stuff up, like, because we're a team.

John [01:07:33]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:33]: Like, I want you to tell me in the moment when something's bothering you or upsetting you.

John [01:07:37]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:38]: What I don't want is it to be, like, you against me.

John [01:07:42]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:43]: Or, you know, you wait forever and then you blow up on me, and you don't want to blow up on me.

John [01:07:49]: Right.

Nicole [01:07:49]: But you've shoved it down. Because a lot of men do that. A lot of men are like you. They're like, I don't want to rock the boat. Then they. They've been. They blow the boat.

John [01:07:56]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [01:07:58]: The boat.

John [01:07:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:07:59]: And then they're like, well, what did I do wrong? It's like, you didn't. You didn't say something when it was a minuscule little thing.

John [01:08:07]: Right.

Nicole [01:08:07]: And now you exploded the boat.

John [01:08:09]: Or they take that. They take on the thing. They try to take on their response. Like, I had to catch myself. It's like, no, this is not my fault. Like, you can't blame me on this thing. Like, you own this. This is your responsibility. And, like, if you don't want to fix what is your responsibility, I'm not going to take it. And. And say, like, you know, that I can fix these things anymore. You have to do that. If it's not, then you have your consequences. And like, Like. But that's it. You have to do that as a man.

Nicole [01:08:36]: Yeah.

John [01:08:37]: Because you could pull people. You could. When someone blames you for something, you could be like, oh, yeah, well, I can handle that. Like, and you could take the blame and you can, you know, and you can adjust the situation so that they don't have to suffer that consequence. But sometimes it's harder, but you have to say, no, this is actually on you, and you have to fix that, and you have to deal with that.

Nicole [01:09:01]: It was just a really complicated situation as well, too. It's something that we've struggled with from pretty early on, in a way. And so it was really confusing. But it was good to talk about. Cause I do think there was finally clarity there.

John [01:09:19]: But Ultimately, it was my fault. Fault. So ultimately, I have to acknowledge as a man that I. I should.

Nicole [01:09:25]: It wasn't entirely fault, but according to this podcast, it was. But I'm not gonna sit here and act like I wasn't defensive. And I didn't, you know.

John [01:09:34]: No.

Nicole [01:09:34]: Didn't under. I didn't understand. And I could have asked questions. Again, I don't know if that would have gotten me there because again, it's kind of like all personal development or all sort of things in life.

John [01:09:45]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:09:46]: They have to switch within the person.

John [01:09:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:09:49]: And no matter what you say, even if you spell it out perfectly, sometimes that's not the light switch moment. But. But I'm just glad that I did figure it out.

John [01:09:58]: Right.

Nicole [01:09:59]: Because it also was attached to myself as well, too, in a way that I didn't understand until we talked about it.

John [01:10:06]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:10:07]: So, I mean, it was just a good thing all around. We did stay up until 3am but it was a necessary thing, which all things are necessary, which again, it goes back like.

John [01:10:15]: Like you gotta grow for hours.

Nicole [01:10:18]: You have to figure it up and figure it out. And even if you blow up the boat.

John [01:10:22]: Right.

Nicole [01:10:22]: You can rebuild the boat.

John [01:10:24]: Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But those are the p. It's the path that you have to take in order to get to the. The destination. Because even. Even as a man, if you're like, okay, I'm responsible for everything, everything is my fault. As a man. Yes. But that's the mindset you have to have. It doesn't mean that your wife isn't going to make mistakes, but you still have that mindset. But those mistakes are inevitable because those mistakes are actually part of the growth that is required. Just like as a man, you have to make mistakes and grow from those things. But I just, you know, like I said, internalize. As a man, I still have to take responsibility and say, okay, well, you're my wife, so if there's something that you're missing or you're not doing, I'm responsible because I haven't helped you. So that's how I look at it.

Nicole [01:11:13]: But this whole thing probably sounds so complicated, but really, men, you should talk about the things when they happen. It's scary, but again, it will harbor connection rather than disconnection because you were really disconnected from me in a way for a really long time. Because this was. Even if it was subconscious, right? Yeah, it was in there.

John [01:11:37]: Right.

Nicole [01:11:37]: So you got to think of it that way too, and that we're a team. Like, I want to work together. I want our relationship to be the best it can be.

John [01:11:46]: Right.

Nicole [01:11:46]: So, like, you don't have to be afraid.

John [01:11:49]: Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. All right, well, that's it for this episode. We're a little bit. A little bit. We're like, this one's going to be a short one, but it's a longer one. So follow us at. Or send us an email if you want some.

Nicole [01:12:04]: Some help, some advice.

John [01:12:05]: Yeah. Or you got a good episode idea at Better Than Perfect podcast. Okay. @gmail.com. and the website is better than perfectpod.com.

Nicole [01:12:16]: Yes. So if you want to follow us on social media.

John [01:12:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:12:20]: Leave us a review. Banana Finger's still the last one. We haven't checked in a while.

John [01:12:25]: I know. I haven't checked in a while because I don't care. It doesn't matter. We're going to do. We're going to be close to the 100 episodes, so. I know. All right, we'll see you guys next week.