Nicole [00:00:00]: Sex.

John [00:00:01]: Surprise, surprise.

Nicole [00:00:04]: A lot of men don't really invest in understanding how to actually please a woman. If you think like a man, I can just get turned on very quickly or very visually turned on. Right. Where it's like a woman's engine takes longer to rev up. You might think, well, as things progress, harder and faster is better.

John [00:00:20]: Women want things consistent because if you do something right that gets her pretty far up the scale, she's gonna be like, keep doing that. You can't just take your experience, man or woman, and then apply it. It's a two person thing. It's not a one person thing. Beyond the perfect, we discover through our flaws we complete each other.

Nicole [00:00:41]: Better than perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other equals helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

John [00:01:08]: Hey, you got it. You got it. It still counts. As you guys can tell, it's John's birthday. Granted, by the time this comes out, it won't be his birthday anymore, but.

Nicole [00:01:21]: I'll still be celebrating.

John [00:01:22]: That's right.

Nicole [00:01:23]: We'll be celebrating in the Maldives.

John [00:01:26]: That's right. But yeah. So June 21, John's birthday. How's your birthday been so far?

Nicole [00:01:36]: It's been wonderful because I get to spend it with you, so.

John [00:01:40]: You're so sweet. Yeah. We haven't even gone to the evening festivities yet, but I think you will enjoy this.

Nicole [00:01:47]: I'm sure I will.

John [00:01:50]: I didn't even mean it that way, but. So since it's your birthday, I wanted you to be able to pick the topic that we talked about today. And I know I kind of sprung that on you this morning because you were like, the topic. I was like, well, I was going to spring it on you when we were sitting right here and you had no idea, but that felt a little too spur the moment. So I at least told you this morning that you could pick the top.

Nicole [00:02:18]: And just this morning I was thinking, at least I don't have to pick a topic for today. Well, they're like, I got you a birthday present, but I got a good one. I got a good one. But before we jump into the topic, what do we have for the. I mean, what's been going on in the.

John [00:02:35]: The mama's boys are upset.

Nicole [00:02:38]: The mama's boys are upset. Yeah.

John [00:02:39]: Well, in the passport, bros still think that. Yeah, that one clip is like, oh.

Nicole [00:02:44]: They think that I'm pro passport, bro.

John [00:02:46]: Yeah, they think that you're saying the things that you were reading in that comment because they're like, yeah, this is the truth. And I'm like, yeah, they're not watching anything but this clip, so that's okay.

Nicole [00:02:57]: They can, they can think it, you know, so.

John [00:03:01]: But yeah, the mama's boys were really upset.

Nicole [00:03:04]: Yeah, I. I wouldn't think that people would agree with that. You should be a mama's boy.

John [00:03:10]: Like, look, I think they get confused because a man should care about his mother.

Nicole [00:03:16]: Of course. Yeah.

John [00:03:17]: But if she does everything for him to the point he can't do a lot of things on his own, or he's looking for a woman specifically to do certain things because he just doesn't want to do them or whatever, that's different than wanting a traditional marriage where, yeah, the woman is probably going to take over some of those duties that your mother did when you were a kid. But it's not. They don't understand that. It's not the same thing that I'm talking about. I'm talking about the men who, like, really don't want to handle any of those things, including finances and things like that. And they do sort of turn the woman that they're with into a mother figure rather than the wife figure.

Nicole [00:04:03]: And I believe many women in the comments said, nobody wants to have sex with someone they have to take care of.

John [00:04:13]: Very true.

Nicole [00:04:14]: You know, that's.

John [00:04:14]: But then the guys, too, they were like, well, what about daddy's girls? And they don't know anything and they want somebody to pay for all their stuff. Which to their point, I don't think a parent should overly do things for their children anyway, because, yeah, as a parent, you're supposed to be setting your child up for success.

Nicole [00:04:32]: Right.

John [00:04:32]: When they're out on their own and to be independent and things like that. But at the same time, too, they're the same guys that talk about they want a traditional relationship, but then they are complaining about having to provide their part of that.

Nicole [00:04:48]: Yeah. And look, a princess. You do want a princess. Okay, you do want to marry a princess. You do want. You don't want a woman with daddy issues, do you? Is that what you want for a wife as a woman with daddy issues? Is that so? If a woman is a daddy's girl, that's a good thing. It's not a bad thing, right?

John [00:05:09]: What do men even mean by daddy's issues? Like, she's insecure and looks for attention in the wrong way.

Nicole [00:05:16]: Yeah, that's what I mean. A woman with daddy's issue. Daddy issues is because she didn't get the affection from her father and so she seeks male affection for her esteem. Right. Whereas a father, a good father figure that takes care of a daughter and treats her like a princess or treats her right, like the lady that the man that eventually marries her should treat her like he instills in her self esteem and confidence and worth. And so she doesn't have to seek her self esteem or confidence elsewhere. She doesn't become a pole dancer.

John [00:05:55]: I wonder where you got that one from.

Nicole [00:05:59]: But yeah, so that's the kind of woman that you do want as a man. You know what I mean? That you. Yeah, it can be to an extreme where she's too princessy and she thinks that the world should be served to.

John [00:06:13]: Her on a platform around her.

Nicole [00:06:15]: Yeah. And that could be an issue, but you want it to be more on that side of it than the other side of it, you know, for sure.

John [00:06:23]: So I've just come to the conclusion that men love to complain and they try to act like women do. And I'm not saying that women do. Don't like plenty of women do too. But as we've come to learn that you say one thing, they complain about the opposite, and then you'll be like, they can't complain about this. And then they find some new ways.

Nicole [00:06:42]: To do that, as you'll notice now. Right. Because there's been enough time and you've seen it's the same, same guys.

John [00:06:49]: Yeah, I do.

Nicole [00:06:49]: So they, they, these guys ruin it for everyone. You know what I mean? Because they make it seem like. Because they're so active and so vocal, they make it seem like it's all guys. Just like some women ruin it for all women. But yeah, it's. And that's the weird thing about social media too is it's like, you know, a hundred thousand people see your thing and 20, 30 angry guys comment on it and you're like, oh, this is what the perception is. But that's not entirely true, you know, but it does show you that, you know, there are definitely people that are silent and think the same thing too. So there is that. But yeah, the daddies or the mama's boy thing just surprised the heck out.

John [00:07:33]: Of me because, yeah, I was surprised.

Nicole [00:07:35]: What a lot of men need to read is a book called Iron John by Robert Bly. And so that's actually a really good book about, about a man's journey through. It's allegorical, so it's, it's a man's journey in becoming a man. Essentially in breaking away from his father and his mother. Right. Because men generally, well, boys, their mother takes care of them. They have this sort of bond with their mother and they have to sever that bond. And in the same way, they have to overthrow their father's rule over them. So they, that's what it is to be a man. And most men just aren't growing up today. And that's what the problem is. And that's why being a mama's boy is. It just means you have not matured, you haven't passed that stage. And so many guys grow into adulthood and they're still, they're calling their mom every day. They're asking their mom to help them with. It's like, you can't do that. You have to. And your wife, we've talked about this before on the podcast about your wife has to come first.

John [00:08:46]: Yeah. And I was going to say the real issue with a lot of the like severe mama's boys, like I was talking about on that clip in that episode, is that typically those mothers push away their son's partners because they're so like involved in their son's life that it's almost like that borderline kind of weird, like romantic, but not obviously. But there's plenty of people that have heard about like mother in laws that are like, hate their son's wives or girlfriends and try to like ruin their relationship. Cause the mother wants the son all to herself and all of those things. And that's typically what that severe like mama's boy relationship. That's what the mother side usually looks like. She's so like obsessed with her son and then he's so obsessed with her because she's been taking care of him and doing all these things for him and she can't, you know, ever let her down or anything like that. So it's just typically this extreme version. I'm not talking about men who, because there was quite a few guys that were like, no, my mom taught me how to treat women well and you know, do things for myself. And I'm like, that's, I'm not talking about like, I'm not saying a mama's boy that cares about his mother, like every man should care about his mother. I'm talking about the ones that literally couldn't survive without their mother.

Nicole [00:10:14]: Right.

John [00:10:14]: And well into adulthood still do things like that. And then when they get into relationship, then the mother tries to intervene because they've had such this tight connection the whole time.

Nicole [00:10:25]: Right.

John [00:10:25]: That's the sort of relationship that I was talking about. But a lot of men also took it the wrong way with, you know. Oh, well, no, I learned how to actually treat women better. And I'm like, yeah, if you care about your mother, you will treat women better because you're. You have a good connection with your mom. But if she does everything for you and basically essentially turns you into a super lazy, has no motivation and no pride and sort of man, then she. It's not helping you. She's not helping you.

Nicole [00:10:52]: Yeah.

John [00:10:53]: And she's actually hurting you.

Nicole [00:10:54]: And you'll see this a lot in sort of old country, Middle Eastern cultures, right. Even where, you know, my origins in Turkey, right. Where the women will treat the men, the boys, like the. So much better than the girls. And they will. They'll. They'll, you know, just pump up their ego and make them like their little precious boy. Right. And it's like, it's so destructive because now you've created this man child, right, where he expects women to just serve him and he. He's not capable of doing the things on his own. Right, Right. And so it's.

John [00:11:35]: And he doesn't have to do anything. Exc. Be a man to be served. Right. Because in those cultures, too, it's. It's about being born a male.

Nicole [00:11:44]: Right.

John [00:11:44]: It's not even like you have to do anything. It's just because you're a boy. So it's like he also doesn't typically want to better himself or be a better man because he's already getting the praise for it.

Nicole [00:11:56]: Right.

John [00:11:56]: So he doesn't have to work for anything.

Nicole [00:11:58]: Yeah. And then you have the problem of these guys also. It almost becomes like a matriarchy where they're still asking their mom for everything, advice on everything. She's running their lives. You know, they run everything by their mom. And it's just. It's no good. And again, a lot of it comes down to if you just look at the marriage ceremony and how it works and what the differences are when. When someone gets married. When a man gets married and a woman gets married, the. The father gives away the daughter to the groom, right? And there's a reason for that, is because the man has already left his family, right. And he has become independent on his own. The woman, in many times, is still considered to be part of the family that she grew up in because the father's job is to take care of the woman until the daughter until she becomes married, Right. Traditionally. And then he gives her away. He's now entrusting his Daughter to this man. Right.

John [00:13:04]: To take care of her.

Nicole [00:13:06]: And that's why it is more acceptable for a woman to be a daddy's girl or whatever versus a man being a mama's boy. Because that's not how it's supposed to be. So. Yeah, which we can talk about. Actually the topic that I picked today, which is how men can fix their relationships, what men can do. And this is sort of, you know, if, if a man is unhappy in his relationship, he thinks maybe his wife or long term partner is nagging him all the time. She doesn't respect him, she doesn't want to seem to be interested in sex, isn't. Doesn't seem to be attracted to him anymore. Right. And she just despises them basically. Right. Or they fight all the time like he's not happy in their relationship. I'm going to walk through a five step process that I use for coaching guys that I think will help a guy to be able to repair, to get what he wants. Right? To get the kind of woman that he wants. And all these guys that are usually complaining in the comments are complaining about women and they don't understand that there is a way to get a woman to act feminine, to respect you as a man, to have a high desire for you, to appreciate you as opposed to what they're getting. They're getting something that is a result of how they're acting.

John [00:14:42]: Yeah. Okay, well, before you start, because I know it's gonna go there, I think you should first talk a little bit about, before you jump into that, why men should fix their relationships. Because you know they're gonna be like, why do I have to fix it? Why do I have to do the.

Nicole [00:15:00]: I mean, we did an episode in all fairness on the Surrendered Wife, which is a book that a woman should read, every woman should read in a relationship that, where she can do some work to fix the relationship.

John [00:15:13]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:14]: But my belief is that the man is supposed to be the leader, so he's supposed to lead by example. So he's supposed to be the one that's, you know, it doesn't matter what she's doing. You're the one who's supposed to be showing her what she should be doing and doing it by example, by you starting to do the right things.

John [00:15:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:34]: And it usually only takes one person doing the right thing in a relationship to actually fix the relationship.

John [00:15:40]: Well, and it makes sense that the man would do it if he wants to be the leader and the authority. Because like, exactly like you said, right. If you're claiming to be the leader and you want to take charge and you want to make the decisions.

Nicole [00:15:52]: Right.

John [00:15:53]: But the second you get upset or you do something or something happens and you do the wrong thing, that undermines you. Like, you're undermining yourself.

Nicole [00:16:05]: Right.

John [00:16:06]: Like, even if it's hard, I understand, like, when people's emotions are hurt or involved and things like that, that it's hard sometimes to, like, still do the right thing that you think you should do. But I think it's important that men need to know that you are the one to fix it, because you want to lead and you want to be the authority, and that includes doing hard things in a moment where you might not want to step up and be the bigger person.

Nicole [00:16:33]: Yeah.

John [00:16:34]: But you have to if you're going to be a leader. Because if you're following the lead of somebody and they're like, okay, well, don't get too emotional and don't call me names. But when they get emotional and they start calling you names, how can you trust that person? Right. Like, they're telling you, don't do this.

Nicole [00:16:49]: Right.

John [00:16:50]: But they're not doing it. And so I think men need to realize that they have to fix it, because that's what the leader would do, that's what the authority would do. And they say that they want a traditional relationship, but I don't think they fully understand that you have to be that man.

Nicole [00:17:07]: Yeah.

John [00:17:07]: Like, you do. And that's what you're. You know, it's easy for you to understand, but I think that's why when they hear men have to fix it, they're like, well, why do I? But it's like, if you want to be the leader and you want to be the authority, and you want your woman to look up to you, you have to be worth looking up to. And a good leader.

Nicole [00:17:27]: Yeah, yeah. And you have to do even more than what you're asking. Right. So I've been in many instances where I've been in some kind of position, either at work or even just leading a group of men, and they don't want to do the thing or they complain about the work. And so what I've had to do is step up and do whatever it is and do it 10 times better and 10 times more. And so, okay, if I'm doing it, then you can. There was an instance when I was doing software development, and it's a little technical jargon, but these guys didn't want to write unit tests for the test, which is a way of testing the code before. Think of it as making sure that it works. You know what I mean? Like quality control. Right. They're like, oh, we don't need to do that. I want to do that. The requirements are too hard. And so I was the basically manager, like the architect mentor guy. And I just got into the code and I started doing the work and I started making unit tests and doing. And I was getting work done 10 times as fast as they were because they were saying it will slow us down too much. I was like, well I was getting it done faster than they were doing it, plus doing unit tests. And then guess what happened? I didn't even say anything. I just didn't start checking in the code. All of a sudden these guys just start making unit tests and start doing the thing because they don't want to be, you know, because now they have an example. Now it's like, okay, someone's doing it. Right? Yeah, and doing it 10 times better. So. Right.

John [00:18:57]: And do men expect a woman to show them the example? Like, like you said with the surrendered wife thing? I'm not saying that women don't have things to work on that they should be working on, but at the end of the day you could be a very healed woman and handle things very properly. But that's not going to fix these men. And I think a lot of these men think that, well, if women are just completely fixed, then it won't be a problem. And they're really lacking the self awareness and the growth that they need to go through. And again, the pride, like you said, and, and the like pride in being the authority in their relationship, like it goes back to, you know, just pride in general that they're lacking but really in the relationship if you're instead like, well, why do I have to fix this relationship? You're lacking pride in your choice in a woman.

Nicole [00:19:55]: Right.

John [00:19:56]: And just like I said to the women who don't respect the men that they're with, you married this person as a man. Like you're not off the hook. Like you can't just be like, oh well, I didn't know she was like this. No, that's, that's not how it is. Because the person you married is still down in there. Just like I would tell women, oh well, he, he wasn't disrespectful or I respected him then, but now he's done all this stuff. No, there's still a man you respect in there.

Nicole [00:20:18]: Right.

John [00:20:18]: You can't just blame it on the other person. But they don't want to take the accountability. And especially if you're the leader and you want a traditional relationship and you're the man in the relationship.

Nicole [00:20:30]: Yeah.

John [00:20:30]: You have to be taking accountability and responsibility.

Nicole [00:20:33]: The buck has to stop here. That's where it has to be. You have to. You have to choose to be. To take it up. So, again, and it's not a bad thing in the sense that it's empowering.

John [00:20:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:43]: The message is that as a man, you have the power to.

John [00:20:47]: And the influence.

Nicole [00:20:48]: Right. And so it's not a negative. Everyone always thinks, oh, you're beating up on men again. It's like you're blaming men for all things. No, I'm trying to inspire and give you the power that you have.

John [00:20:59]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:00]: Which, yeah, there might be some hard stuff you have to do in order to gain access to that power, but you can gain access to that power, and that's a good thing.

John [00:21:10]: Stuff's normally worth the outcome.

Nicole [00:21:12]: Yeah. It's not a bad thing. Okay, so let's jump into the five steps. Essentially, there's a sixth one which is at the end, but the first step is this, which is understanding masculinity and femininity. This is the base. And the reason why this is so important is because I believe that 90% of the problems in relationships come from men thinking that women must think like they do and women thinking that men must think like they do. Right. That's the biggest problem. And no one really tells you different. I mean, you hear the jokes and stuff like, you know, this is a woman, and, you know, and it's got all these knobs and dials, and it's like, this is a man. It's got, like one button. So you hear that kind of stuff or you hear women are emotional, men are logical, but most people don't really understand masculinity and femininity. Right. They still tend to think, oh, if this is something that I like or this would make me feel good, then that the other person would. Would be. It's the same thing kind of with the five love languages. Right. A lot of people are like, oh, well, everybody likes the same thing. I. I do. Not True. Right. You know, people have different love languages, but men and women, the masculine, the feminine is completely different. Completely different set of desires, completely different way of operating, way of communicating what's important to them, what's meaningful. All those things we can get into the, you know, obviously the logic and the. In the emotion and all that stuff too. But it's just a man has to first start by studying this, by understanding what does it actually mean to be masculine. Right, right. What does it actually mean to be feminine? What are the differences? And then also, what are the differences in the communication? Right. So, for instance, you know, one that I think we've talked about a lot, which. That, you know, that video of the. It's not the nail that I like to play with is that in communication, right. The. The primary thing that women are usually looking for is validation of their emotions. She just wants to know that. That the man understands how she feels and cares about how she feels, whereas the man primary thing in communication is wanting to solve a problem or to be understood or to explain the thing. Right. That's. You know, and those are so different. And so that's why so many men end up messing up in communication, because they're just trying to explain why they did what they did. And that's not what a woman wants. And it creates. And, you know, women make it, you know, a similar mistake when they're communicating with a man, not understanding what he wants out of that communication. So. But understanding that is the first step. True. You got some. What are your thoughts on the.

John [00:24:10]: I mean, I think that is important. We've talked on our own about, you know, realizing how different things are. Like women, they enjoy the romantic things that involve, like, more acts of service or, like, planning, you know, flowers or certain things like that. And so women might think, oh, well, he likes his candy bar, so I'm gonna bring it to him. And that's a nice thing.

Nicole [00:24:36]: Right.

John [00:24:37]: And they start kind of doing similar things that their husband would do for them, but they don't realize that, yes, that's nice, and your husband appreciates it, but it's not what makes him feel romanced or as loved as what we talked about in the episode about how women could be romantic, which is typically more like intimacy, like physical intimacy and just intimacy in general is what men want and Is a more simple thing.

Nicole [00:25:06]: Yeah.

John [00:25:07]: And I think women, as far as the romance, they want things a little bit more complex. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that, because I think that a woman does want to feel loved in different ways so that she does feel like you fully love her. Whereas, like, a man, a man just wants that physical intimacy, like most men's love language, is physical touch. Not all of them, but most of them, because that is the way that they connect.

Nicole [00:25:35]: Right.

John [00:25:36]: More deeply with the woman that they're with. So I think. And then again, men are just like, we Watched a clip from the breakup movie.

Nicole [00:25:46]: Oh. Oh, yeah, that was good.

John [00:25:48]: That I'm sure people have seen before with. What's his name? Jennifer. What's his name? And he's like. She's like, I needed you to bring 12 lemons home. And he's like, I brought three. And she's like, yeah, that's not 12. And then he's like, well, I helped you out this. I did something you liked this morning. And she's like, that has nothing to do with what we're talking about. So he's operating from the place that a man would like that. Like, that would have made a man's day for the whole day. And he would have been like, yeah, that's great. But that's not like. Not that women don't enjoy that, but that's not gonna fix all the problems. That's not going to make her feel more connected to you. Like, it will, but not in the way that it does for men. So men are viewing it from that lens. Women are viewing it from their lens rather than, you know, trying to see the other person's side. And like you said, that's just one of the ways that we're very different. The communication sort of thing is also a very big difference. I'm not saying that women don't ever want their problems to be solved or the man that they're with to help them solve their problems, But a lot of the time I think the issue is that a woman doesn't feel hurt at all because the man's just focusing on solving the problems. And a lot of times it's more about the problem than about her.

Nicole [00:27:14]: Right.

John [00:27:14]: And so that's where that she just wants you to listen, because at that point, she knows that you care about her if you're just listening, but if you're listening to her and all you care about is solving your problem so she'll shut up. That's how women feel if you're just trying to solve the problem, if that makes sense.

Nicole [00:27:31]: So even if you're solving the problem to help her, it feels that way.

John [00:27:35]: Right? Exactly.

Nicole [00:27:37]: Yeah. And that's something that came up in the comments, too, of our videos, is the idea of how men and women experience intimacy differently. Because there was a lot of men that are like, physical intimacy is intimacy. It's emotional connection for men. Right. And women are like, that's not emotional connection for you. I mean, it's partial, but it's like women's emotional connection is different. And so a lot of women don't understand that physical intimacy equals emotional connection to. That's how he feels. Like it's the same thing as if you're being ignored, you know, but emotionally. Right.

John [00:28:12]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:12]: But again, men have to understand that. Yeah. The way that you feel about physical intimacy and feeling a connection and feel, feeling emotional connection is exactly how women feel about romance.

John [00:28:26]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:26]: And that if you understand that as a man, then you're like, oh, wow, so I can do the equivalent of what I want from her, but you don't do the exact same. And that's what I was talking about. It's like if you, if you're thinking, if you don't understand the difference between masculine and femininity as a guy, you're like, well, I'm going to give her a lot of physical intimacy. Then she'll know I really love her.

John [00:28:45]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:45]: And that's not. It's not going to work.

John [00:28:48]: Right, Right, Exactly. Yeah. I think if both men and women take the time to actually learn what the other person wants rather than what they think that they want, then they'll understand their partner better and they'll have a better connection.

Nicole [00:29:04]: Yeah. So, all right, so the second step. So once a man understands masculine and femininity, now it's time to start becoming masculine. Okay, so this is the, the process. Right. Because before you're even, even trying to change anything in the relationship, you. You have to understand it first of all. And then you have to start embodying that on your own, not even trying to apply to the relationship at this point. This is looks like a man working on leadership skills, his communication skills, being more stoic, emotional mastery. Right. Because if you're going to execute this in the relationship, you can't be flying off the handle. You can't be getting upset. You have to have a very, very long fuse and be calm. Because if you understand masculinity, you know, I think the best example that I ever heard is it's like the man masculinity is like the tree in a hurricane, and femininity is like the hurricane because the emotional, when women's emotions are all over the place, that tree needs to be able to withstand those hurricanes wins. And so that's what a man has to be able to do. That's being masculine is to not be blown all over the place, no matter what the weather, is of the feminine woman that he's with. And then she can trust him because he's stable. Right. He's not going anywhere. So that is the next thing is to understand and to Start applying these things. Right. So now you understand what it is to be masculine. How do you do these things? Right. And so this also involves taking over finances. Right.

John [00:30:52]: Men should be, they're going to be upset about that.

Nicole [00:30:54]: He should be. So many men. Right. And I did this at one point in my previous relationship where you give the woman the checkbook and she pays all the bills and does all that stuff. You know, you're working your job, but you, you're like, she, she'll take care of the bills and, and all, all of these things because that's, that's how it operates for a lot of relationships, honestly. Right. Because she's a dependable one. She's going to make sure they're done on time. And you don't want to do that as a man. You need to step up and take responsibility for the finances and the providing and, you know, and making sure that your everything is, is taken care of. Because.

John [00:31:39]: Right. And you should be dependable.

Nicole [00:31:41]: Right.

John [00:31:41]: Like, I mean, you're just saying that. I'm like, guys do say that. They're like, she's dependable. Get done on time. Do they never be, like, thinking, I, I should probably be dependable and be on time? Like, that's. Especially if you want a traditional relationship. Like, that's what the leader does.

Nicole [00:32:02]: Have you ever in your life, in our time together, ever worried that a bill wasn't going to be paid on time or that.

John [00:32:08]: No.

Nicole [00:32:09]: Some trip that, or you know, thing that needed to be booked wasn't going to get booked or some, whatever it was, wasn't going to get done?

John [00:32:16]: No.

Nicole [00:32:16]: No.

John [00:32:17]: Because you're very dependable.

Nicole [00:32:18]: Right. Because I'm going to make sure you know that I'm going to get it done. Right. So. And that creates a space in your head that you don't have to occupy with all those thoughts.

John [00:32:28]: Right?

Nicole [00:32:29]: But you can occupy the kind of thoughts that a man would like them to be occupied. You know what I'm saying? It's like that, that's what a lot of these guys don't understand. And that's why also you're getting nagged, right? Because you're proving to not be stressed out.

John [00:32:41]: Because, like, yeah, she's going to do it on time and she's going to be dependable, but that can be stressful, especially if she's paying all the bills and probably working too, because a lot of these guys want to do 50, 50. That's a lot of stress on her. And I'm not saying that it means that she can act however she wants. But yeah, that's going to cause her to not be as pleasant and stress free and be more emotional and things like that that men supposedly don't want women to be. They don't realize that when you take over the authority, especially like with the finances and things like that, you give her a freedom to not be as stressed out, to be more feminine, to be more caring and nurturing and all the things that you want her to be because you're taking that off of her shoulders.

Nicole [00:33:29]: Right. And I think going back to kind of the first step to again, the difference is that men mind can compartmentalize things. So I have a hard day at work, something's going on with this or this person's pissing me off, whatever these are. They're all going into little different compartments and I can just show up here and operate and be fine. It's not because these things are in their compartments. Women really don't compartmentalize things mentally. It's all in one place. And so the bills are in the same exact place as everything else. And so that's why when you operate.

John [00:34:06]: From a more emotional, vulnerable place, it's harder to do that because you are still caring about this other thing over here because you're just more sensitive to that sort of thing. So it does get jumbled up. You are right. But and it's also because men, like you said, they're more logical. They can, you know, kind of not let that bother them while they're focusing on this. But when you're a woman and you're more emotional and you have that more like nurturing, caring part of you, you're going to care about something for longer than a man would. He'd be like, okay, well I'll deal with that later. Whereas a woman can't necessarily put that off because it's still bothering her.

Nicole [00:34:43]: Yeah.

John [00:34:44]: And so that, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Nicole [00:34:46]: And this is the stage where you start learning to take pride as a man, as being a man. Right. Where you learn, yeah.

John [00:34:53]: Learning to be masculine and yeah. Doing things differently because you have to.

Nicole [00:34:57]: Think, all right, I. And you know, a magic phrase is here, baby, let me take care of that for you. Right? Don't stress yourself out. Let me take care of that for you. That's a magic phrase because that's what you should be thinking as a man if you're being in your masculine. Right. And for a lot of guys too, they might need also at this stage to do things like go to the gym and do Masculine things and hang out with other men. It depends on where you are, because a lot of guys might even be masculine, but they're not masculine in relationship, which we'll talk about next, because that's actually the next step. But. But yeah, this is critical is once you understand the difference, then you have to start stepping up and actually now embodying these traits, which takes some time, it takes some work to figure these things out. That's true. So then that brings us to the third step, which is being masculine, bringing this masculinity into the relationship, Right? So now that you understand the differences and you understand and you're working on yourself to be more masculine now, you have to show up as masculine in the relationship. So this means now that you're putting this stuff into practice, especially communication, right? So now you're practicing, hopefully you have learned how to be more stoic. And now when you're communicating, you're focusing on validating emotions, right? You are understanding the different communication style that a woman has so that you can start doing the right thing now. Because most of the guys that are in the situation where the woman is nagging them, she's not attracted to them, she doesn't want to have sex with them. A lot of that comes from the way that he's treating her. And he doesn't understand it because almost all the time I hear guys say, she's just so ungrateful. I work so hard, you know, I make sure we have money. I take care of all of these things so that we can, you know, we can have a good life. And I do all these chores around the house for her or fix things and do these things. And she just. She's not appreciative. She doesn't care. She says, I don't love her, but obviously I do. And what they're missing is that every time that she's trying to talk or share how she feels or have some kind of emotional outlet, he's making her feel like it doesn't matter or that he doesn't care or. What was that. What was that one where the guy, I read you an email or something. He told her to just calm down.

John [00:37:42]: Yeah, just calm down. That always works, right?

Nicole [00:37:46]: So she's being told to calm down.

John [00:37:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:48]: So that's why that resentment is being.

John [00:37:52]: Built up, because nothing's ever being, like, really resolved. And that's how women connect with everyone, really, with other women and with men is opening up and talking to them. And even though that's not how men connect with women, or even necessarily other men. That is your woman trying to connect with you. She's sharing this vulnerable thing with you and you're telling her to just calm down or like, get over it or, you know, whatever lines that are similar to that that a lot of men use and they would probably use with other men.

Nicole [00:38:31]: Right.

John [00:38:31]: But yeah, at the same time, it's like, this is your partner, like this is your girlfriend or your wife coming to you to try to talk to you about something that's bothering her. And granted, again, I don't ever think it's acceptable for people to act mean towards the person they're trying to express the things to or yell at them or anything like that. But men don't really, I guess, see the connection that she's trying to have with you because he only really views physical connection as a connection in his mind. Again, going back to the first thing.

Nicole [00:39:10]: Yeah.

John [00:39:10]: That he doesn't understand that that is her moment to connect with you.

Nicole [00:39:14]: Right.

John [00:39:15]: Like when she's upset and she's coming to you to try to help her feel better, it doesn't mean help her solve her problems necessarily. It means help connect to her so that she'll feel loved so she can deal with whatever she's got going on, because that is what fuels her.

Nicole [00:39:31]: Yeah.

John [00:39:32]: And so they just get all sorts of mixed up when dealing with that. And then, like you said, they think they're doing everything right when they're rejecting her in the same way that they would feel rejected when they don't get physical intimacy. Exactly like that. Emotional connection is so important to her that you're essentially doing the same thing to her that she would do if she was like, no, I'm tired. Telling her to calm down is the same as being like, no, not tonight. Every single night, you know, every single time.

Nicole [00:40:02]: Yeah.

John [00:40:02]: They try to come to you. That's exactly, that's the female equivalent.

Nicole [00:40:07]: Yeah. That's brilliant, actually. That's very true.

John [00:40:11]: I know. I just thought of it just now because I was like, where did this come out of my head? But that's, it's, that's what it is.

Nicole [00:40:18]: It's the equivalent of I have a headache or not tonight or I'm too tired. That's exactly what it is. Because it's like. And then after so many times, what happens when a guy tries that so many times and he just, he gives up. He's like, I, I, I'm not even tractor anymore. I don't care. I just like. Right, we, we saw that in the comments. Right. On, on, on some of our videos, on some other videos that I, that I shared with you that, that I saw this, I was like, wow, this is crazy. We need to do an episode about this. But it's the equivalent. What's already happened before that's happened is the woman's already gotten to that point with like every time I try to share her with him, every time I try to get emotional connection with him by expressing my emotions and I need to vent, he tries to shut me down. He's like, nah, whatever. Or he tries to fix the problem or whatever. You can't just hear me and empathize with and just hear me out.

John [00:41:11]: And here's the other thing, because guys will be like, well, she doesn't listen to me. But if you do a better job at validating your wife's feelings or your girlfriend's feelings and listening to her and not trying to fix the problem or tell her to calm down or whatever, she will have a better capacity to listen to you. And again, that's because you're leading by example, right? They're all intertwined together. But you can also teach her how to listen and be there for you when you're struggling with something and you want to open up to her by leading by example in those situations. And like you said, most men aren't, and they don't even realize that they're making everything a lot worse. But maybe now that we put the puzzle pieces together for them, they'll realize it's the equivalent of them being rejected with physical intimacy when they're like, just get over it or calm down or just trying to fix the problem and not make her feel like he actually cares about what she has to say.

Nicole [00:42:12]: Now making that one shift is huge. I remember I first heard about kind of the idea where it was a light bulb moment for me when I was at a Tony Robbins seminar and it was at Date with Destiny. So it was like a six day seminar or five day or whatever. And at the end of it, he talks about masculine and femininity and I hadn't, I hadn't heard of these con, you know, this content before. Like, what, what does this, you know, I mean, I heard the words, but, but then there was a point where he's talking about how a woman needs to vent, right? And, and it was like, it was like a light bulb moment because I realized he's like, you know, watch what happens if you let a woman vent and you don't try and shut her down or stop. It's like she's all sudden gonna now be very much in a different kind of mood, you know. And I was like, wow, this is true. This is so. You know, how many times as a man have I thought, if a woman's venting, I'm like, why she complaining? Why she always gotta be complaining about things? Or, you know, just. Why are you. Just drop it. Like, don't. You know? And it's like, no, A woman needs to venture.

John [00:43:26]: You're helping her car, you're helping her compartmentalize, like you said earlier. You're helping her get those things that are just still blaring in her mind out of there to clear the space for other things in her mind where she will be able to relax. That's exactly what that does.

Nicole [00:43:46]: And most women have been in relationships where they've never been able to vent, and if you let her, she's going to be so appreciative. A lot of times there's an exception we're going to talk about in the next step, but you're likely to get a very positive response from that. So it would be like the equivalent. If we're going around the same thing as where the guy is constantly rejected for sex, but then one time he's enthusiastically greeted with a response of yeah, you know what I mean? Not just the yes, but an enthusiastic response, he's going to be pretty happy about that. It's the same equivalent thing. So, yeah. So that's the third step then, is applying it to the relationship. So obviously there's a lot of things to apply to the relationship, but the big ones is taking charge, becoming the leader by example, taking charge of the finances, which includes paying for things now and taking care of the woman and bringing the communication skills up to. To allow a woman to vent it. All these things that, you know, a lot of guys don't understand. That's why they're. They think they're doing everything right because they're doing everything right that they would if they were married to a man.

John [00:45:08]: And they're still looking through the focus of what they want and what they would do. Kind of going back to your other steps.

Nicole [00:45:15]: Yeah. So next step four. This is the repair, all right? The digging up the old stuff and cleaning it out. This is when you haven't been to the dentist for a long time, to use the example.

John [00:45:36]: And you got your favorite.

Nicole [00:45:37]: Yeah, this is some tooth extractions, right. It's getting that deep cleaning where they have to give you the antibiotics because your gums are infected. This is doing all that Stuff. Maybe some root canals in there, you know, that's a lot of stuff. It's a lot. Because you haven't been to the dentist in 10 years. You know, you haven't brushed your teeth in 10 years. Whatever it is, things are rotting and falling out. So at the surface level, right, A lot of guys, they don't understand why, where's the woman I married? They're like, oh, commitment makes women not want to have sex. Commitment makes women turn into a raving, Right? No, what's happening underneath the surface is that it's years of neglect, right? In the way that we talked about, right? So in step three, we talked about how guys are now communicating, allowing a woman to vent, validating her emotions, understanding that. But if you haven't done that for years, it's the same thing as the guy that's so resentful. Because I love your example now, going to keep on using it where he got turned down for sex for five years and now if you talk to him about sex, he's going to fucking blow up. He's going to be like, oh, he's got, you know, he's going to put 50 comments in there and say, yo, this crazy. I can't believe it. Like, why would you even marry me? You know, he's got a lot to say about it, right? He's. He's holding in all that stuff and he'll seem like a normal dude until you mention that. And then he will go off, right? So, same exact thing. So. And what happens a lot of times with a lot of guys that I've worked with, and I always warn them about it, is when they start acting masculine and they start listening, the woman seems to get even more pissed.

John [00:47:36]: Well, because she's probably like, why haven't you been doing this sort of thing?

Nicole [00:47:41]: Right? And now that she starts to feel a little bit safe emotionally, which again, probably the biggest thing about being masculine in a relationship is creating emotional safety. That's probably the number one thing right now. She starts to take the stuff that she's got buried down and start digging some of that up so that she can get rid of it. And it looks like now she's just spewing on you. She doesn't appreciate anything that you're doing and she's just making it worse, you know, and, and like, you should never have even gone down this road because now she's 10 times worse.

John [00:48:17]: But it's because all that stuff has to come out.

Nicole [00:48:20]: It has to come out. So that's the hard part. As now, you got to realize, okay, I didn't mean to damage this woman for such a long time as a man. Because you didn't mean to. Guys aren't intentionally like, oh, I'm gonna just be an asshole.

John [00:48:34]: They're just oblivious.

Nicole [00:48:35]: Yeah. You just don't understand. In fact, they think they're doing the right thing. Right. That's why they get so upset. But you did. Whether you meant to or not, it was neglect. You did not do what was necessary. Even if it's not intentional, even unintentional neglect is still neglect. It still hits a certain way. And so she's got all this stuff that has to come out. And so you've got to be patient. Right. And even, you know, we went through this a little bit because of our situation when we first got together, and I didn't understand it because I'm like, just forget the past. Right?

John [00:49:07]: Yeah. You literally told me, just let it go or something. And I'm like, this is not your decision to let it go. Like, yes, I want to let it go, but telling me to just let it go is not going to make it go away. Right.

Nicole [00:49:19]: Because I didn't want to deal with it, because I'm like, all right, we need to move on past this thing. Right. And I'm like, well, I. And every time that you had brought it up in the past, I'm trying to explain away what I was feeling and what I was going through and why I did what I did. But you didn't want any of that. All you wanted for me to do was to genuinely care about.

John [00:49:44]: I already knew your side because you had immediately gone to defending your part, which is what typically men do. So I really already understood your part, but I didn't feel like you understood mine, because every time we had the conversation, it was you defending yourself, and instead of me getting to actually talk to you about it until that changed, you know, and you listened, and you completely listened, and you didn't defend yourself. And, you know, you did it the right way. But that's also why we're sitting here, because it's like, we've already. We've done a lot of these things, and we've gone through a lot of these things, so we know how to fix it so that people can have a better relationship.

Nicole [00:50:27]: Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, I just. I didn't know. I didn't. And then when it dawned on me, and I was like, oh, all I need. All I need to do is, oh.

John [00:50:38]: This will go away if I listen.

Nicole [00:50:40]: Instead of but at this point, I don't care if it goes away. Because however many times that you need to bring up a hurt that you went through and for me to empathize with that, that's fine. Like, it doesn't. Because I understand now that it's just something that you need. It's not anything against me.

John [00:51:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:00]: Because you weren't trying to, like, penalize me or say what a bad guy I was or try to drag me through the mud. You're just trying to get empathy and understanding for what you went through. And for me to care about that, to care that you had to go through those things.

John [00:51:21]: It also makes women feel like a man won't do those things again. Right. If he fully understands what happened to you. Right. So, like, even if they're in a relationship and the woman's like, well, you know, you hurt me when you did this, and a guy's just defending himself, it seems like he might do that again because he's defending his actions. Right. But the second that he's like, I'm so sorry, and, like, say whatever you need to say about it, I'm gonna listen, and that won't happen again. And, you know, I'm sorry that I did that to you. That makes her feel like he's not gonna do this again, or if it happens, then it probably wouldn't be as severe as it was before.

Nicole [00:52:03]: And that's not specific to women. That's. You can flip it and it still is exactly the same. Right. That's just communication in general in a relationship is that either party, when they have a grievance, they never want defense, they never want justification. They only want.

John [00:52:19]: No, you're right. I just feel like since we're talking about women, that's like their thing that they want to emotionally connect. That. That's typically something that men like, miss. But you're right that it's for anybody.

Nicole [00:52:32]: Right. But it's more likely that men miss it than women do. Right. So. And it's more likely that it's built up, and it also is the thing that creates that severs that emotional connection that women want. So, yeah, so this is the stage, you know, at stage four, we're going to get to the good stage of stage five, but stage four, you're go. You're. You're going through the pit. You have to face the. All the stuff that you didn't intentionally necessarily do, but you did. And so you're gonna have to dredge.

John [00:53:01]: Up the past, clean all the skeletons out the closet.

Nicole [00:53:03]: And just sit there and listen and empathize and don't defend and don't. It's gonna be tempting when you revisit the past to talk about why you did the things, or it doesn't matter, you know, just listen, just empathize, just care. Just show that you care and bring it up yourself. Say, you know, I'm a different man now.

John [00:53:24]: I realize that that'll really get her going if you bring it up without her having to bring it up.

Nicole [00:53:29]: I realized when I did this, when I said this, I just had a coaching client of mine I was talking to, and he. The woman that he was dating, she was like a former model or something, and she had some weight thing, you know, in the modeling industry. And he joked with her a couple of times, and he was like, yeah, of course I'll love you no matter what, as long as you don't become obese. Right. And, like, she didn't really say anything about it, but, you know, her countenance changed. Right. And he's like, what should I do about that? I was like, well, you know, you could bring that up. You could say, hey, I was thinking about this this morning, and, you know, the other day when I said that, I just want you to know that I didn't, like, I. I. I shouldn't have said that. That even if I was joking, even if I don't mean that. I know that probably hurt you. Right. Boom. That's.

John [00:54:25]: Yeah. And, you know, she'll have even more respect for you if you bring it up on your own and realize that you made a mistake.

Nicole [00:54:32]: Yeah. So go back through your. This is where you go back through your whole history and you find the things, and instead of, you know. And again, it takes away the. Oh, the ammo. Right. Because if you bring it up, she can't hit you with it. Right. You know, I mean, if you're tired of being hit with it in a fight or whatever, then you bring it up right? Then. Then it's.

John [00:54:57]: How can she be like, you did this when you're like, yeah, I just apologized for that.

Nicole [00:55:02]: Right.

John [00:55:02]: I mean, don't say it like that. No, but you know what I mean? Like, that's. That's the idea behind it.

Nicole [00:55:07]: Yeah. So that's the. That's the thing. And that's. That's the hardest phase. But. But that phase comes forth because you're not ready for that until you've gone through the first three phases. And that's where you really start to repair the relationship there. That's where, where you think that something that is unsalvageable suddenly becomes salvageable. That's where you're most likely to start seeing her change her actions up until that point. She's doubting you. She's like, I don't know about this guy. Like, why is he suddenly acting this way? What is he trying to get from me? Is he trying to just get sex?

John [00:55:40]: You have to be consistent.

Nicole [00:55:42]: Right. But once you start going into the past and then validating the things that happened and now you're cleaning it out now, all that stuff. Because the biggest thing, we've talked about this so much on this podcast that destroys relationships is resentment. That's why the honeymoon phase ends. It doesn't have to end. It ends because, you know, how do you go from, yeah, how do you go from loving someone, hating them? Resentment. Like, it's like, it's so weird. It's like, oh, I, I, we were so in love, and now we hate each other so much. Yeah. Because you built resentment. You got so much plaque on your relationship that it decayed.

John [00:56:20]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:21]: And so this is reversing that. And so you can go back to before that happened. That's true. So, all right, the next one step. Five. The last step.

John [00:56:32]: I thought you had six.

Nicole [00:56:34]: Well, there's an object that's like an asterisk. Yeah, it's like an asterisk. Yeah. So five is sex. Okay.

John [00:56:46]: Surprise, surprise. I knew I had to be in there somewhere.

Nicole [00:56:48]: Right. Is. And this. And again, the first five have to be done first. Right.

John [00:56:54]: You better say that one more time.

Nicole [00:56:56]: For but clarification then, to really solidify and improve the relationship. If you didn't understand what you're doing in the first five or first four, I can almost guarantee that you're messing up in the fifth one. Right. Because once you understand that women and men are different and how they view things are different, then you can understand how to get better at sex, at pleasing a woman. Right. I think this is important. A lot of women complain about this, that a lot of relationships are. It's not the primary thing. It's the other things that we talked about. But now you're ready to start improving in this era. So I think as a man, a lot of men don't really invest very much in understanding how to actually please a woman, because it's, again, if you think like a man and you think the same, you're like, oh, it's easy, right? You're going to think, okay, well, I can just get turned on very quickly or Very visually turned on. Right. Where it's like, you know, a woman engine takes longer to rev up. Right. And then also you might think, well, you know, as things progress, harder and faster is better. Like, and. Whereas women are more like, as things progress, constant don't change anything. Right. It's like. So there's a lot of things that a lot of men don't understand about it because they're looking at it from their own lens.

John [00:58:25]: Well, we've talked about this too. That like, even with men, when they orgasm, it's a very smaller window than a woman has. So, you know, women want things consistent because if you do something right, that gets her pretty far up the scale, she's gonna be like, keep doing that.

Nicole [00:58:44]: Right, Right.

John [00:58:44]: Because you could try something new and it's more down here. You can try something else that's kind of in the middle, but that thing still does that. Whereas with guys, it's not as much variance. So. And even if you're doing various things, you can still probably land on the scale somewhere similar, right?

Nicole [00:59:03]: Yeah.

John [00:59:03]: So it makes sense why it's like that. But again, it's something that you can't just take your experience, man or woman, and then apply it to the thing. You have to, you know, obviously think of the other. Your other partner and things that you enjoy too. But it's a two person thing. It's not a one person thing.

Nicole [00:59:27]: Exactly. Yeah. And there's so many things we could talk about, you know, we won't. But it's like even just the. A lot of men don't even understand that when they are trying so hard to give a woman an orgasm, it's actually making it where she's stressed out about it because women are thinking, I don't want this guy to be disappointed. And so they're thinking more about that than actually relaxing. And so it makes it harder. And then that's when the shoulder tap comes in, is like, okay, all right, slugger, get up here. You're tired, you're out, you're out. You've been tagged out. That's the guys that get the shoulder tap. That's why you're getting the shoulder tap is because you're making it too pressure y. So there's a lot. Right? There's a lot of. A lot of guys think that they're good at sex and they understand it, but they really don't. You know what I mean? And again, you got to learn this. And if you haven't actually invested the time to learn it and you're not going to learn it from the graphic videos that you see on the Internet. That's not. You have to actually learn this. That will greatly. We talked about this in another episode. Not to make this the magic bullet you should rely on, but if you can be that guy and you can be really good at this, a lot of other things might not matter so much. You could probably be pretty shitty. And you're still gonna.

John [01:00:53]: Don't say that.

Nicole [01:00:54]: I'm not suggesting that you should, but I'm just saying she's probably gonna stay with you because, you know, so.

John [01:01:02]: Oh, my gosh. Don't give them that idea. I know what you're trying to say.

Nicole [01:01:07]: You get what I'm trying to say.

John [01:01:08]: But don't tell them they could be shitty. And just.

Nicole [01:01:10]: Look, that's why we went through the other steps first.

John [01:01:12]: That's right. That's right.

Nicole [01:01:14]: But, yeah, but this one is important, right?

John [01:01:16]: Yeah, it is. Especially because that's how men connect. And, you know, I'm not saying that it's not about men or they can't be focused on what they want to, but what good is being physically intimate if it's just about one person? Because I don't think men would like it very much if a woman just took control and just did whatever she wanted and maybe left him high and dry.

Nicole [01:01:38]: Right.

John [01:01:39]: And I don't think, you know, that a woman would appreciate that either. So it's like, it can't just be about one person. You have to keep everybody into consideration and talk about things and, you know, try different things and be open with each other.

Nicole [01:01:55]: Yeah. And then, like I said, the two biggest reasons why women aren't interested in sex is, number one is because they lack the emotional connection, and number two is because they're not getting. It's not a fun experience for them.

John [01:02:11]: Right. I saw one comment from a woman, and she was saying something, I think it was when the clip that said, you're obligated to have sex with your partner, and she was like, well, my man's not getting me turned on to do the thing. Which, you know, it's not to blame the man, but like you said, it takes more for a woman to get in the mood than it does for a man. And yeah, you know, a man should want to get his woman in the mood. That should.

Nicole [01:02:37]: Exactly.

John [01:02:38]: He should have pride in that.

Nicole [01:02:39]: Yeah. So, you know, and even just the little things like the touch and how to touch it, it's not something that you would just figure out on your own. And unless you actually study and really realize what you know, because it is, it is a lot different than what.

John [01:03:02]: But what should they study?

Nicole [01:03:04]: I mean the, the easiest thing to do is to ask, right? And, and not have your ego in it, right? To be like, do you like softer or harder, faster, slower. Right. You know, or let me see how you do it. Right? These are, you know, it seems like pretty obvious things, but if your ego's in it, then you think you know what you're doing and you're just attacking that thing and not. It's not going to produce the result that you're going to, that you think that it's going to produce. Right. And the warm up sequence is a longer warm up sequence then, you know, I guarantee you 90% of guys, the warm up sequence is not some, it's.

John [01:03:50]: Probably non existent, but they don't realize what it is.

Nicole [01:03:53]: Right? Yeah, exactly.

John [01:03:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:03:54]: So, so there's a lot to it. Like it's, it's something that you do have to actually devote some time to understanding as a man because it's not.

John [01:04:01]: Simple but you'll be glad you did if you did.

Nicole [01:04:03]: And also a lot of women are different too. That's true. There's some, a lot of, there's less variation in men, in, you know, in the actions and motions and, and whatnot. But there is way more difference in women, way more variety.

John [01:04:18]: That makes sense because a lot of women never even have an orgasm at all.

Nicole [01:04:22]: Right.

John [01:04:22]: That's sad, right?

Nicole [01:04:25]: It's, it's true.

John [01:04:27]: But yeah, so it is going to be a lot different. And like you said, the best thing is to ask because different people like different things.

Nicole [01:04:33]: Yeah. So that's, yeah, those, those are the. Now we get to the asterisk one which is, you know, that six step, which is, I mean it's kind of. I don't make it a step because it's the maintenance of the whole thing because you can't just go through this.

John [01:04:49]: And be like, I'm done.

Nicole [01:04:50]: Yeah, like, okay, I checked off the checklist. You're gonna have to continually keep going through this over and over again because you're going to forget some things, you're going to mess up some things, you're going to. Resentment's going to build up again. Like you have to keep on clearing it, clearing it out, clearing it out. Right.

John [01:05:10]: It's time to wrap this up. Yes, maintenance, go back if you need consistently.

Nicole [01:05:17]: But no, you got to go back through and you have to work on these things over and over because it's not just a one and done type of deal because it's the ongoing maintenance of the relationship.

John [01:05:29]: But if you've done any sort of healing or growing or in your own life, you realize that it's, it's a lifelong thing. It's not a bad thing. You just, it gets easier. Yeah, you don't forget it. And sometimes you do forget it and you just gotta go back and try again.

Nicole [01:05:46]: And hopefully the ladies in the comments will back us up on this episode so that the men will know that this is what women actually want.

John [01:05:55]: So this is what they actually want, regardless of what anybody says.

Nicole [01:06:00]: I'm just saying, like, it will help to see some of that if you. So if you're watching as a woman and you are like, okay, then leave a comment, let guys know that this is, this is true. This is what you know, this is, will repair a relationship as far as a man can do if he does these things.

John [01:06:16]: True.

Nicole [01:06:17]: So.

John [01:06:18]: All right, so our thing for the week, it was yesterday and John came to me with some feelings that he was having. And I tried in the beginning. I feel like I did a good job of listening to you and not defending. And then I messed up and our conversation took a turn and I got defensive and I did the wrong thing. But I am sorry that I hurt your feelings and hurt you and I never want to do that. Well, I appreciate it and I'm glad you came to me and told me about the things because I do appreciate you being open and talking to me about that.

Nicole [01:07:03]: Yeah. And we worked it out and it was good. And I mean, I think we learned some things too about just some things related to kind of how we grew up and some of the differences and some things that we didn't definitely, you know, it's, it's, it's weird. Like sometimes you just take for granted that everyone understands things the way that you do and it's not necessarily the case. So that was good. It was a good, you know, good progress.

John [01:07:33]: So that's why you have to look at any sort of conflict or whatever comes up because if you don't, then you didn't really learn anything from the situation and you're not really going to make a change. But, you know, it was. And it wasn't like horrible.

Nicole [01:07:51]: No, no, no, not by any means, no.

John [01:07:53]: But it just was one of our long, you know, turned along conversations because it pivoted a few different ways. Like I said, the beginning, you know. Well, there were certain things in the beginning that weren't handled the best, but you know, that is a learning experience. Like you said with the steps, you just have to go back and, you know, do better next time and realize where you messed up.

Nicole [01:08:18]: And.

John [01:08:19]: And even in that moment, too, when we first had the conversation, you know, you were upset still, visibly. And I was in the shower, and I was like, I have to just do the right thing. Like, it's a reflection of me. It doesn't matter how upset he is or if he. Like, it matters how upset you are, but, like, it doesn't matter how he's treating me. I need to go make this right and do the right thing. And so. And then I still ended up messing up further into the conversation. So it's not always perfect. But I think it does help, especially with what you talked about too, today on the episode, that I think if men, and, of course women, too, look at it like, I need to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

Nicole [01:09:09]: Yeah.

John [01:09:09]: And kind of let your ego go and, like, just make amends with the person that you care about that will help you do those things.

Nicole [01:09:19]: Yeah.

John [01:09:20]: So I agree.

Nicole [01:09:21]: And yeah. And like I said, I mean, I was upset, and I. I didn't handle it well at the beginning. I've been doing very good at handling communication very well.

John [01:09:30]: You have.

Nicole [01:09:31]: But I realized, too, that I don't even realize when I'm raising my voice to it because I'm excited, when I'm upset, when I'm. And again, it's not like I'm, like, screaming and yelling. It's just my tone is changing and I'm not even aware of it. But I will be more aware of it now because I realize, oh, you know, because when you had said that to me, I was like, what? I'm not yelling. And then when I look back and reflect on, I'm like, well, yeah, I.

John [01:10:00]: See how that you're probably like, well, I wasn't talking. Like, I am now because it was a difference in how you were talking. But.

Nicole [01:10:07]: But, yeah, but. But it's. It's hard. It's hard sometimes, too, also when you get upset, to, like, be calm and. And sometimes it is better to. When something upsets you in a relationship to not even address it right then to wait a little bit.

John [01:10:22]: As long as you're not resenting.

Nicole [01:10:24]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you got to make sure you clear it out. But you just wait a little bit to the point where you can now talk about it in a way that doesn't bring as much emotion into it.

John [01:10:35]: Right.

Nicole [01:10:36]: You can. You Know, because sometimes when you're, you know, you get the echo in your head of, you know that of the things that are kind of snowballing in your own head and, you know, and you build it up to two more. And then when you're trying to talk about it, it's not a good time to talk about it because you're not.

John [01:10:52]: Yeah. In the right place. Headspace. Yeah. And I think what I realized too is that we're very similar on a lot of things and we have a very natural connection. But there's still part of our relationship, like certain things where I have to work extra hard because it's not as natural like, and I mean that it's not my natural instinct to just know what to do that you would like or that you prefer things like that. And I think that I'm just used to everything being so natural and flowy that I have to focus more on those things that I wasn't putting as much focus in that I really need to. And I still was focusing, but it wasn't to the extent to really drill it in my head. And I think that that's important for people to know because it's not like our relationship is hard. And even if I have to focus on something more so because it's harder for me to comprehend right away and just go with that doesn't make our relationship bad or wrong. Like it actually makes it so that you're putting all this effort into the person that you care about. And I think sometimes too, and I'm sure other people can realize that when you do have a good relationship and things are easy go y flowy and good that sometimes you might not realize that you have to put as much focus into one thing as you really need to because you're just so used to that.

Nicole [01:12:25]: Yeah.

John [01:12:26]: And I don't feel like I was taking it for granted, but I feel like I just wasn't used to putting in that much focus on something and that I realized that I do need to do that. To give you what you need and deserve.

Nicole [01:12:41]: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it goes both ways. It's. It's hard to. To know that sometimes. And that's why it's like it's the same thing where, you know, when I was struggling with the communication a lot or. And then I had to really put a focus on the communication and I improved a lot in the communication. Doesn't mean I'm perfect. I still have slip ups, but now it's become more of a thing that I'm much more aware of.

John [01:13:08]: Right.

Nicole [01:13:08]: So. Yeah. But. Oh, thank you. And thank you for all the birthday.

John [01:13:13]: Yeah, we forgot these. Don't make noise. That was definitely. This sounds like one of those yodeling things. Well, happy birthday, John.

Nicole [01:13:32]: Well, thank you, you. And that is it for this week.

John [01:13:36]: Through every fault we find our way.