Nicole [00:00:00]: Men are so upset at women, but if they just worked on themselves.

John [00:00:04]: Oh, yeah.

Nicole [00:00:04]: And became a gentleman, they would have so many options. And here's another thing that would happen that men need to realize. They have a problem with women partying and doing all this stuff. If a woman did meet a good man that treated her right and was.

John [00:00:17]: A gentleman right, she'd give up the party for sure.

Nicole [00:00:20]: Women party because they can't find any good men.

John [00:00:23]: Yeah. Beyond the perfect we discover through our.

Nicole [00:00:27]: Flaws, we complete each other.

John [00:00:30]: Better than perfect. Perfect we stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:00:50]: That's right.

John [00:00:50]: That's right.

Nicole [00:00:51]: Guess who's back again.

John [00:00:54]: You got energy still? Are you just faking it?

Nicole [00:00:58]: No, it's the last one.

John [00:01:01]: You got the. The. What do they call it? The final burst. The. The wind. The second wind. You got the second wind.

Nicole [00:01:09]: Look, you started the last one. We did a little DeLulu. I was like, oh, he's losing steam. He's hitting the delusional state. But, yeah, I guess I'll take the reins on this one a little bit. But I am gonna need your help, because you're a man. So this episode is for the ladies. How to find a good man. Now, as a woman, it might feel like it's like finding a needle in a haystack. That's because it is.

John [00:01:42]: Why is it so hard?

Nicole [00:01:44]: Well, I think it has a lot to do with what we've talked about on this podcast before. Men are angry at women. Women are angry at men.

John [00:01:53]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:54]: Men aren't gonna act like good men if they feel like women are criticizing them and vice versa. Same with, like, women aren't gonna act a certain way, like, act very feminine around a man that's just angry. So that, I feel like, is a huge part of it. Also, I feel like, you know, women, we have our biological clock, right? So. So we want. We have in our head, like, okay, I want to get married by this time, and I want to have kids around here. And even if the timeline that you have in your head you're open to, you still do have a timeline, you know, and so a lot of times women will go on a date with a guy, and even if he's not the things that she really wants, she might try to make him into that person or, you know, make herself believe that he is. He's just not acting like it right now. You Know, because they just want somebody. Right. Like, they want that relationship. But ultimately, women want the man that they're dreaming of. Right. Like a good man who cares about her and wants to have a family, if that's, you know, what everybody wants and, you know, is gonna protect her and care for her and be there for her emotionally. And today, it seems like a lot of men just cannot provide the emotional part.

John [00:03:23]: Okay.

Nicole [00:03:24]: And at this point, with how the world is, and women can work and they can support themselves, and they don't need, like, a man to provide them money. They need their partner to provide them emotional support, though. Like, we're women. We are emotional. Like, it is very hard as a woman to be in a relationship where you don't feel emotionally safe.

John [00:03:51]: Right.

Nicole [00:03:52]: And so I've seen multiple women talk about this as well, too, is that men think that women want money, but what women really want is emotional safety.

John [00:04:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:05]: And I don't think they're even expecting a man to be perfect with it, but I think that he has to do it a majority of the time. I mean, he does have to try really hard. Because it is very easy for women when a man does not feel emotionally safe, to freak out because it's not safe for her.

John [00:04:26]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:27]: Like, being feminine is vulnerable. Being, you know, opening up emotionally in the correct way is a scary thing. And so I think today, the biggest thing that men can bring to women is emotional safety and giving her that support there. I'm not saying tolerating a woman acting crazy with her emotions and a woman not being accountable, that is not what I'm saying. But with the way that society is, a woman can do most of the things on her own.

John [00:05:02]: So.

Nicole [00:05:02]: So you have to, as a man, you have to provide her something that she can't get on her own, which is the emotional safety. And women do get emotional safety when they're on their own, Right. Like, they live alone. They don't have anybody attacking them. Like, maybe the world or maybe, like, their boss said something mean or their friends or whatever, but in their home, they're in their safe little bubble, right? So, like, that is what makes it even more important for men to provide that safety. Because if you want her to come out and be with you, right. Instead of being in her little shell where she makes money to pay for all of her things, and, you know, she's. It's just her. So nobody's, like, coming at her, you know, you have to provide something that's better than that. And I don't mean that you're protecting the house. I'm doing that right now. While you're. While you're broke.

John [00:05:57]: I got a cane.

Nicole [00:05:57]: I can. I'm the protector of the house. Right? So it's like. What I'm trying to say is that men. I'm not saying that women aren't complicated. Men are complicated. We're all complicated. But in reality, women just want. When they say a good man, they want a kind man who provides emotional safety for them. And like, yes, they do still want a man. So he should still have, you know, the backbone. He should be able to say no when he needs to say no. And that's another thing, too, is that men, you know, they want to be with women as well. So they think if I just give her everything she wants or tell her yes and never tell her no, right? Then I'm. I'm in. I'm good. Which is not the case either. And then they are confused by women. They're like, you say, you want one thing, you want another thing.

John [00:06:46]: Yeah. And those guys think they're good men, right? But they're not good men because they're not what women want, right? Because they're like, oh. Cause women say there's no good man. It's hard to find a good man. And then those guys step up and they're like, I give a woman whatever she wants. I'm a good man, right? No, you're not. You're a pushover. You're a weak man. That's not a good man.

Nicole [00:07:08]: And it comes across as fake, you know, like, what about you is real if you never say no? Because I know that there's some time you want to say no, you're just not doing it. And so then are you harboring all that inside?

John [00:07:21]: Right?

Nicole [00:07:21]: And then it's going to come out one way or another, or you're going to treat me different or what?

John [00:07:25]: It's almost like, can you tell a woman no and then deal with her emotional reaction and still make her feel safe?

Nicole [00:07:33]: Right.

John [00:07:34]: In that. Right. It's like you have to be able to say no and then handle her not liking you, saying no.

Nicole [00:07:41]: Right.

John [00:07:41]: In the right way. And that's the whole chain of it. Like, if you can't say no, you're too weak. And if you say no, but you can't handle it, you can't provide emotional safety. You say no, and you just get into a horrible fight and call her names or threaten her. No, still not good.

Nicole [00:08:02]: That's why I think women say that it's hard to find good men is because they're defining the good men this way. But they're not saying it right. They're not really defining it. They're just saying there's no good men. Just like men are saying there's no good women.

John [00:08:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:16]: Like nobody's really defining it. And some of the guys who say there's no good women, they're defining it in ridiculous ways. Right. They're like western women are just. That's, that's not true.

John [00:08:29]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:30]: But if you actually talked about the things that are bothering you, then women would be more likely to understand you because again, they're being so emotional that it's not safe for women to be emotional because this guy can't even handle his own emotions too. And so again, that's off putting to women because if we're the emotional ones and we're trying to figure out our emotions and handle them and we see you, who's supposed to provide us the emotional safety, and you can't handle your own emotions.

John [00:09:02]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:02]: Then you can't handle mine and yours.

John [00:09:05]: Right? That's true.

Nicole [00:09:06]: You can't even handle yours.

John [00:09:07]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:09:08]: So, and speaking as a woman, like sometimes it's hard to handle my own emotions and sometimes it's hard to handle both of our emotions. But I also have to work on that too because you deserve to be emotionally supported as well.

John [00:09:18]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:19]: And so I'm not saying it's a one way street. I'm not saying that men need to provide emotional safety and women don't. Women do as well too. And if anything, we should realize what it's like to be emotional because we are more emotional than men are. Like, so we understand why it's important to have that safety. We also need to give that safety to men as well. But the reason that women have such a hard time is because I feel like, you know, on top of the emotional safety not being there and men just being so angry towards women, I feel like, and I guess the like timeline that we put on ourselves and as women, it's women too. A lot of women don't like putting themselves out there and they don't like dating. And the thing is, I'm not saying you have to love dating, but if you view it as a chore, if you view it as like, I'm ready to be married, like I don't want to do this, it's going to be harder to find.

John [00:10:25]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:10:26]: Your husband.

John [00:10:27]: Right. Oops.

Nicole [00:10:28]: If you view it as like you're just having a good time, you know, you're gonna go meet some people and figure out what you like and you don't like. If you view it from a different perspective, then you are more likely to attract that person that you're looking for, because so many people too. I mean, we just did the episode on the toxic relationships. They'd much rather stay with somebody they know is not good for them.

John [00:10:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:10:53]: Then go date again. Like, people are so afraid of dating.

John [00:10:57]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:10:57]: Like, men are afraid for their reasons. Women are afraid, but really, like, they just don't want to be uncomfortable. And I get that going on dates can be uncomfortable. You're meeting a stranger for the first time. Like, you're hoping that you find the person that you want to start your life with. Because time is ticking.

John [00:11:15]: Right? Exactly.

Nicole [00:11:16]: Like the biological clock is clocking. So we got to find our husband quick.

John [00:11:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:11:21]: And I get that. But when you realize that when you're forcing these things to happen rather than allowing them to happen naturally, then you're gonna end up in a worse situation. You're gonna potentially end up in a toxic relationship. You're gonna potentially end up with the man that you don't want to be with, but now you're comfortable, and you don't want to date again. But if you go on dates and you view it as, okay, I'm gonna go meet somebody, I'm gonna go talk to. Maybe he is the one, Maybe he's not. But either way, I'm gonna learn things that I like. Like, maybe he. We talk about something, and I realized, oh, like, you know, maybe guys that golf are pretty cool. I thought they were boring, but maybe, you know, they're a lot more interesting than I thought. Or maybe you go and you're like, he was rude to the waiter. I don't. I don't think that projects a very good outcome for our relationship. Because if he's rude to them, he might potentially be rude to me if I upset him. Like, he'd seem. Seems like he has a low temperament. Like, noticing things like that.

John [00:12:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:27]: And I'm not saying you have to kick him to the curb because of that. If, like, other things are good, maybe he had a bad day. But, like, realizing and noticing these things and using it to hone in what you want in your relationship and in a partner or potentially things that you also do, too, that maybe aren't coming across the best way.

John [00:12:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:46]: Like use it as a learning opportunity and develop the type of partner that you want and that you want to be. You are more likely to find that man because the thing is that men that you want that are emotionally intelligent, emotionally safe, they're going to be looking for a lot of the similar characteristics in their partner as well, because it shows a lot of growth and a lot of.

John [00:13:15]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:13:16]: Accountability. And so if you start with yourself and how to be the best version of yourself and to view dating as something fun and getting to know somebody rather is like a chore or like, I just want to find somebody and like, start this part of my life, then you're more likely to find what you're looking for than trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

John [00:13:40]: Yeah, no, I think that, I agree. I think that makes sense. And I think that's what rushing it is what happens a lot of times, and it slows you down because if you waste time, years or even months with someone that you shouldn't be with, then it would be better if you were just dating more and had more opportunities in front of you. But I think going back to what a good man is, just to really.

Nicole [00:14:07]: Clearly define, I was gonna say as a good man, what is a good man? And like, what do you look for in women? I think that would be beneficial for women to know, like.

John [00:14:18]: Yeah, well, I think what, you know what, what women would call a good man, like, to put it pretty bluntly, is a man that they're attracted to, physically attracted to, and is a good man. It's like a circular definition, but. But a man they're physically attracted to but has the capability to say no, to stand up for himself, has a backbone and create the emotional safety. So it's the unicorn, right? It's all those things. Because we've talked about this a lot in the past about the four types of men, right, that you've got. Essentially, most people think of assholes or nice guys and women are attracted to assholes. They like assholes, right, because they're physically attractive to a woman. They're attracted to that. That man. But it has nothing to do with the assholeness of the man. It has to do with that he's an independent thinker, that he's a man who does not care what other people think about him and is willing to go his own way. But at the same time, it's not the whole picture. Women don't want. They say there's no good guys because they're not gonna date the nice guys unless they get to the very end of the rope and they're biological clock is clocking out and they're like, okay, I'm gonna settle down for a nice guy. Women settle down for nice guys. They're not dating the nice guys. So then they're saying, okay, there's no good men out there because all of the assholes that they're dating, which is a majority of the guys that they're physically attracted to are not good guys. And so that's where I think that comes from. But again, I think there's the confusion of the idea that a guy's either a nice guy or an asshole. There's two other types of guys. There's the narcissist and there's a gentleman, right? And this is that quadrant, just to recap it real quick, where you've got one axis, which is cares about people. So on one side it's don't care about people. On their side is I do care about people. And you have the other axis of cares what people think and doesn't care what people think. And so the asshole doesn't care about people or what they think. The nice guy cares about people and he cares too much about what they think, hence the nice guy. But then you've got these other two. You've got the narcissist, who cares about what people think, but doesn't care about people. So he's just pretending, right? But he also comes across as a nice guy. He comes across as a nice guy, a chameleon, because he's also coming across as a people pleaser. But then you have the unicorn, which is what we're really talking about here, which is the gentleman, which is the guy. He doesn't care about what people think about him, but he does care about people. He's genuinely a good person. And that's the rare unicorn. So I think in terms of looking for guys, what women should be looking for is a guy that. And we've talked about this a lot, because what's going to produce the gentleman is going to be a man who has a growth mindset. Because if you're a man on your path with a growth mindset, you might start off as a nice guy and you might even start off as an asshole, or you might start off as a narcissist, but you're going to converge upon caring about people. Because you can't be on the growth path and not learn to care about people, right? Because that's key. And you're also going to converge on the path of not caring about what people think about you, because caring about what people think about you is so egocentric and ego based. Then if you're On a path of growth, you're going to learn to become more masculine, to be a man who doesn't care what people think about him. And so that's why I think that's the thing, is that women have to look for. Because a guy might not be all the way on the path yet, because some guys haven't fully bloomed yet. But if you're seeing a guy that has the potential that is on the path of growth, then that's the guy that you want to look for, not necessarily the guy that got the appealing assholeness. But he's on the path of growth. You see that he's making changes, he's trying to improve himself as a person. Then that's the thing to look for. But you got to be discerning and say, okay, if he's not on the path of growth, then it doesn't matter what he appears to be right now. It's fake. Because you cannot be in that gentleman category if you're not on the path of growth.

Nicole [00:18:52]: Right. Yeah. I think it is very important that women, if they're looking for a gentleman or like a good man, that they look for a man that is focused on growing himself and his potential future relationship. Some men actively talk about that, how they want to grow with their partner and things like that. And so that's important. And I feel like what you tapped on, I definitely want to talk about during this episode is that women have to have standards and boundaries.

John [00:19:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:23]: Because that's how they end up with the assholes. Like, it appeases them. They're like, oh, he, like, doesn't care what people think, which they do. Like. But then they don't like how he treats her or other people. And so if you have the boundaries and you have the standards, you're not going to end up with those sort of men because you will leave when he starts treating you that way.

John [00:19:44]: Right.

Nicole [00:19:45]: So having standards and boundaries from the very beginning, going on a first date with somebody is also a way to get you closer to the good guy that you're looking for.

John [00:19:57]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:58]: The type of gentleman. Because he's going to also respect your boundaries.

John [00:20:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:05]: Granted, he might try to go in for the kiss or something, but he's not gonna do it in a way that is like, the asshole would do.

John [00:20:14]: That's a pushy type of.

Nicole [00:20:16]: Or, like, desperate, like the nice guy would do.

John [00:20:19]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:20:20]: And so having those standards and those boundaries will help you navigate the type of man that he is as well, too, Because I feel like women get confused when they're going on dates and they're looking for, you know, the man they want to marry and they don't, they don't really have a plan. I'm not saying you have to plan everything out, right? But you have to go and show up and not have expectations and make it a good time, but also not just allow everything to be loosey goosey. You're here to potentially get married one day, right? So you need to have standards that you want to live by. Like, I don't want my husband to talk to me and in a mean, harsh way and be rude, right? So if he's rude to the waiter, right, Then you should be like, h, that doesn't really fit with the standard or boundary that like, I'm looking for in a long term relationship. Again, if you want to go on a second date with him and see if that was maybe like, again, he was having a bad day, I don't have a problem with that. But when you have these standards and boundaries in place, you have something to also bounce off of to know. Hmm, is this, does this align with what I want in a long term partner or does it not? Because if it doesn't, and it's obvious, then this needs to be the last date. If it is, then we can keep going, we can keep figuring the things out. Then you get to see how he is in different situations, which is also very important because everybody puts on their best version of themselves for the first few dates. So it does take time. And you need to continue to have those boundaries and standards, though it's not just going on a first date, it's the entire time. It's the standards that you have for the relationship. Like in the episode that we did with the love standards, like, what is your love standard? Yeah, like, and you have to use who he's showing you he is. And sometimes he'll tell you one thing and he'll be doing another thing. So you need to also check his actions, right, and compare them against this love standard and the boundaries that you have. And then that will also help guide you because when you just don't have any plan and you're like, well, he seems nice and you're kind of ignoring that he was rude to the waiter or he, you know, I don't know, some other sort of action that he did that doesn't line up with who he's saying that he is, if you just ignore those, then yeah, you are going to be blindsided. But he was showing you from the very beginning, right? And so, and like we've talked about before to, people don't really change again in the first few dates. Yeah, people are going to put on their best, best show of themselves, right? But when you start getting to know somebody enough, that's who they are. And you do have to accept that at face value and say, is this what I want or is this not what I want?

John [00:23:14]: And quick, quickly kick them to the curb. Like, I, I want to emphasize, like, the reason why this is important, because I think a lot of women might say, well, I don't even have a lot of guys that are good that I'm dating. So if I'm more discriminating, how does that help me? The answer is because. Yes, but there are some assholes that you're dating, and you're dating them too long where you could have been going on dates with more guys. And yeah, it is hard to find a needle in the haystack, but if you need to find a needle in the haystack, you better start searching a lot of haystacks. And so if you waste your time by not having low but high enough standards, if your standards are too low and so you end up dating guys that are more in the asshole category, you're going to waste your time with them, even if it's just a few weeks or months. Those are times when you're not on the market searching those haystacks that you need to be. Now, however, though, there's a flip side of it, too. The flip side of it is what Alison Armstrong was talking about in the Queen Code of this idea of a frog farmer, right? Because the main woman in that book, in that story, she was having trouble getting a good guy. And this guy that she went to the seminar, he told her that she was a frog farmer, and that meant that she was turning princes into frogs. And she's like, what? You know, she was obviously offended by that, and I think a lot of women would be. But you have to understand that in the society that we live in today, when you show up, you might have a perfect, you might have a good guy, you might have dated a lot of good guys, but you may have turned them into frogs from princes because of the society that we live in today where we have a very masculinized female behavior. And if you're coming in and you're seeing men as enemy, and you're a masculine man, if he tries to pull out the chair for you and you're like, oh, I don't need that, or whatever kind of thing, that you're trying to, trying to do there. You're going to make it so that the guy does not treat you like a lady.

Nicole [00:25:15]: Yeah.

John [00:25:15]: And, and then you're going to think, oh, that's not a good guy. But he would have been a good guy, you know, I mean, a really, really good guy. It doesn't matter what you do. He, he's going to be who he is. He's just not going to date you. But, but, but as a woman, you have an influence on the guy. So many women end up having a good guy that, and they're like, okay, the guy started out good and then he became bad. Well, it's because you poisoned it by treating him like a child, treating him in a way that emasculates him. Trying to be too independent, trying to prove yourself. And instead of relaxing into your feminine, if the guy's stepping up and he wants to protect, he wants to provide as a woman, you gotta let that happen and relax into that feminine and fight those societal type of stereotypes that, that we, the archetype that we have currently that, that causes this, this kind of problem. Because you don't want to weed out the good men or poison that well with those guys. So I think that's, that's what's happening as well. On the flip side.

Nicole [00:26:17]: That's true. Yeah. And just to touch on some of the things that you're talking about, like, like you said, you can't have the scarcity mindset. Like women and men can't have the scarcity mindset because the second that you do, you create this pressure that you're just trying to fulfill this role. Right. Like, if you're like, oh, my biological clock is ticking, like, I understand that, but you're creating a scarcity mindset. You're now trying to fit something into something that is not naturally occurring. And so you can come off as overbearing as well too. When you're like, so when do you want this? Like, you're, you're hijacking the situation. Like, allow him to kind of lead the conversation and things like that and keep it light and fun, which is also another kind of feminine thing. If you're taking it so seriously and you're like, you know, emasculating him or acting in a certain way, like, don't pull out my chair, like, that's just a kind gesture. And if you're viewing it as like him doing that is implying that you are incapable, then there are things that you need to work on because this should be a Fun. Dating should be fun. Like, it should not be you trying to act like he just called you weak because he pulled out his chair for you when he was just doing something kind. Like if you have those things going in, then you need to realize that you have bigger things to work on.

John [00:27:44]: Yeah. You're self sabotaging, right?

Nicole [00:27:46]: Yeah. And like you're trying to prove yourself to someone that you just met for the first time. You don't have to prove yourself. Like, you're taking. You're acting like this is like the Hunger Games rather than just a date with somebody. Like, it should be fun. And the more fun you have with it, the more feminine you come across.

John [00:28:04]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:04]: And even though your biological clock is ticking, you cannot come from a scarcity mindset. You have to know that you will find the man that's meant for you in the time that it's supposed to happen. As long as you're working on what you should be working on. Again, like, if you're part of, like, you know, you've been part of the, like, I gotta do everything on my own. Which women do have to do when they're single. You do have to take care of yourself on your own. But allow dating to be a time where a man can take care of you.

John [00:28:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:37]: And then when your relationship progresses, allow him to take on those responsibilities when it's gotten serious enough where you trust this man to that degree.

John [00:28:48]: And, and look, most women would agree that a very masculine man will probably attract a lot of women, but also attract feminine women because they'll be attracted to that. So why do women not understand that being a very feminine woman will attract men? So that's the other piece of it too, is that by working on yourself as a woman, embracing the femininity, like learning about what makes a woman more feminine and being that even when you're single and is going to attract men because that's what they want, because it's rare, just like you're looking for the unicorn. But being a feminine woman will attract a masculine man. It will attract the right kind of man. Just like if you're a very masculine woman, are you gonna attract men? No, definitely not the ones that you want. And so that's also part of the issue. And I've got a really unpopular one, but I'll give it to you. Cause we shoot straight here on this podcast. But I actually saw, I think it was on TikTok a TikTok, this woman was saying, whoever, I don't know who this message is for or something like, that she was like, if someone can tell me, where are all the men in their 30s that have their shit together, that whatever she gave the description of, that are just generally good men, whatever, that have their stuff together, that are single men. And, man, I knew before I looked at the comments section what it was going to say, and it was harsh. It was harsh what the comments section said there. But the reality of the situation was there was a lot of upvoted and guys saying the same thing, and they're saying it in bad ways. So I'm not going to say it in a bad way here, but this woman was in her early 30s, right? And this consensus, overwhelming consensus, was those guys that are successful got their shit together in their 30s, they're dating women in their 20s. And so what I'm saying is that as a woman, you have to understand that when you. You cannot wait and just think that you have all the time in the world, right? In the sense that, yeah, you have to have high standards. But when you've got an opportunity, if you think, and this is what I'm saying is that if you party your 20s off and you're not serious about improving yourself and growing as a person and getting your stuff together so that you can attract the right man, then, hey, you just have to understand that the natural order of things is that men that are more successful that have their stuff together, that they are going to look for younger women. That's what they're biologically wired to do. That's what the reality is. I didn't make it. I can't change it. A thousand, you know, thousand upvotes on the comments. The whole comment section in the TikTok video confirms it. So it's like, don't shoot the messenger. But I'm just saying, like, that is a reality of life. And, you know, I'm trying to put it in the kindest way possible. It's not meant to, like, discourage someone, but it's meant to say that, look, you have to understand that it might be fun to party in your 20s, but don't do that and then end up in your 30s or your 40s or whatever. It doesn't have to be 30s. It could be the same. TikTok could have been a woman saying in her 40s. Where are the guys in their 40s or in their 50s or whatever it is just knowing that the guys that you're looking for are typically going to be 10, older, 10 years older than you. They're going to be older than you. And so you got to think, you know, yeah, I could waste my time partying and having a good time when I'm young, but it's a precious commodity. And so you should be utilizing that time wisely, especially if the biological clock is ticking and you need to be dating, not play dating, but serious dating early on in life. And yeah, it doesn't mean that you have to get married early or get into committed relationship, but vetting out guys early on for serious relationship for longer down the road, because there's so much out there, a playground for women, young women today with the websites and all the stuff. We're not going to talk about that stuff, but where they can get distracted from actually growing as a human being, developing themselves as a woman, and eventually having the life that they want to have. But all that stuff can distract you, just like it can do for men, too. Young men get distracted doing all kinds of stupid stuff. But anyway, like I said, don't shoot the messenger. But that's.

Nicole [00:33:20]: I hear what you're saying. However, I think that's a very small percentage of what's actually happening. I think it's very small. I think men cling onto that to blame women. And yes, in those instances where that's actually happening, it is their fault. But as a woman who was single in her a lot of her 20s and was dating and was looking for this and it took a very long time.

John [00:33:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:49]: That is not usually the case.

John [00:33:50]: Yeah. But if you were like most women and you didn't date because you're like, you know it, women are like, oh, I don't want to date. It's too much of a hassle. I don't like it. Would you have found, you see what I'm saying? Like, you, it took you time and you were dating, you were dating, seriously dating a lot, and it was hard for you. So if you're not, you're just goofing around and playing.

Nicole [00:34:14]: Right. But I don't think they're goofing around. I think they. This is why we're doing this episode, is that they don't know how to properly, properly date. And you're right, I knew how to properly date. I could go on a date and have a good time and get something back from it.

John [00:34:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:27]: Which is why we're doing this. But it still took me till I was almost 30 before I met you. And so I'm not saying that what you're saying doesn't happen.

John [00:34:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:34:36]: It does.

John [00:34:37]: Right.

Nicole [00:34:37]: But it is not a majority. It is probably mostly that women don't know how to date. They've been in a bad relationship that they were comfortable in and wasted a lot of their time. And then now they still don't know how to date because they only dated a little bit. Found some guy that was like, okay, but didn't really, like, stayed there because it was. They were comfortable. And then now they're dating again and they don't know what to do. And they want a good guy, but they don't know how to even go on dates. And they don't know, you know, what they need to work on as well, too. But I'm not saying that what you're saying is wrong, because there are women that do need to hear that message.

John [00:35:13]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:13]: But it is not realistic to act like that is a majority of women, because a majority of women are not just partying, not dating at all, not trying to find a man for all of their twenties and then being like, where's my man at when they're 30.

John [00:35:30]: I don't know. I think that. That. I mean, I can't say, like, for 100%, but from my experience, being a guy that had been out there and dating young women.

Nicole [00:35:41]: But you were.

John [00:35:42]: That they were all parting.

Nicole [00:35:44]: That were only doing that. And that's. And you also picked up women who were doing that but then were complaining to you about men they actually liked.

John [00:35:52]: Right. So that's true. That's a good. That's the point.

Nicole [00:35:55]: This is not what they're actually doing. Like, they might be on Tinder hooking up with dudes.

John [00:36:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:02]: And you're. It's looking like they're not taking things seriously, but they have a dude they actually like. That's not treating them properly.

John [00:36:09]: Yeah. And that's not doing that. That's a good point.

Nicole [00:36:11]: That's a good point.

John [00:36:12]: That's a fair point. Yeah. And so they're wasting their time with that guy. But then they're also wasting their time hooking up with other guys, which is stupid. They don't. Both sides.

Nicole [00:36:20]: They don't know what to do.

John [00:36:21]: Instead of having standards and not dating the asshole guy and being hung up on him and not hooking up randomly with dudes on Tinder, going to the night stands. It's a combination of the two. So you're right. You make a good point. It's a combination of the two.

Nicole [00:36:35]: That's the most important thing, is not taking it too seriously. Where it's like in Job Interview.

John [00:36:40]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:41]: And having the standards and boundaries. Because if you have the standards and boundaries, you're not going to care how the date goes because you're going to be like, look, I'm here to have fun. If he sucks, I'm not going to talk to him again.

John [00:36:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:36:54]: If he doesn't suck, we'll go on some more dates. I'll see if things still go well. He doesn't bump against any of my boundaries. Or if he doesn't, you know, act crazy in some sort of way that's going to turn me off, then we'll keep going.

John [00:37:05]: But, you know, you know, if you're that woman, I guess that's like, if, you know, if you're the woman that's partying in her 20s. Right. Or. Or that you did party in your 20s, you didn't take a lot of dating seriously and you didn't really. So. So I don't need to preach the, like, you know, it. So.

Nicole [00:37:19]: And here's the thing.

John [00:37:20]: And then you got to suffer those consequences. But if you're not and then you're in this situation, then yeah. Then I do feel bad for you, genuinely. And like, either way, I feel bad for you because it still sucks. Like, you know, because everyone makes mistakes in life. But, but, but what you're saying is absolutely right. It's like, at this point, okay, now it's time to. If you didn't get serious, now it is time to get serious.

Nicole [00:37:40]: Now it is the reality, though, here's what men need to realize. And I know you try to teach men this. If you as a man learn how to be a good man.

John [00:37:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:53]: You will have so many more options. Men are so upset at women.

John [00:38:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:00]: But if they just worked on themselves and became a gentleman.

John [00:38:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:04]: They would have so many options. And here's another thing that would happen that men need to realize they have a problem with women partying and doing all this stuff. And like, we just talked about women. Okay. Maybe a few, a year or two. Maybe she wants to go party. Maybe she just wants to see what it's like.

John [00:38:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:22]: I'm not saying that there's none of that, but if a woman did meet a good man that treated her right and was a gentleman.

John [00:38:31]: Right. She'd give up the party for sure. 100%.

Nicole [00:38:33]: I agree with you give up the parties.

John [00:38:35]: I know because I dated women that party.

Nicole [00:38:37]: Yes. Women party because they can't find any good men.

John [00:38:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:41]: And they're like, fudge, it might as well go to the bars.

John [00:38:45]: But that makes it worse.

Nicole [00:38:46]: And have fun. I get it.

John [00:38:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:48]: But they're like, it's essentially What? Men do the same thing too. They're like, oh, I haven't find. Found a good woman. I'm just going to keep hooking up with the five a night. Who cares? You know? No, most men can't do that. But you know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's. It's causing the same sort of thing. So at the same time, like, this is a whole episode on how women can find a good man. So that's why we're not talking about men in the same way. But.

John [00:39:12]: Right.

Nicole [00:39:13]: If men focus on being that man, oh, yeah, they can find the woman. And then if women focus on having the standards and being a good woman, right, Then she'll also attract more of the girl.

John [00:39:27]: And the thing I think, to understand about this, that goes along with both of the things that you said is that women that are super attractive, young, whatever, 10 out of 10, they're a dime a dozen. There's so many, especially with plastic surgery today. They're common. They're not uncommon at all. A man that is a good man like you described is way more rare than that. And so that means two things. It means one, as a man, if you're this unicorn of a guy, there's so many women that are available to you. But it also means too, as a woman, if you're the unicorn of a woman who's a feminine woman, who knows how to treat a man right, who has worked on herself in that regard, not just on her physical appearance, you're also a unicorn because like I said, those plastic super whatever, 10 out of 10, whatever you want to call, you know, they're the diamond. There's so many women that can get plastic surgery that can look like supermodels today. That's not hard to do, right? So, but women are mostly competing on that. And they don't realize that to get the good man competing on your actual being feminine, just like a masculine man.

Nicole [00:40:43]: You are matters most.

John [00:40:44]: That's what's going to matter.

Nicole [00:40:46]: You can't. I want to make this clear too, for everybody, but you can't as a woman, you cannot have standards for a man that you also don't uphold yourself to. So, like, you can't be like, I don't want a man. That's rude. And you be rude, right? Like, you have to hold yourself to these standards. And then when you have these standards and you hold yourself to those standards, like you said, you know that you're built different as a woman than any other woman. Like, you don't care if a Superman model walks in because she's not the type of person that you are. That you built yourself to be.

John [00:41:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:19]: That you are proud of.

John [00:41:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:41:23]: You can be proud of how you look, but that's. Again, you're not looking. No woman also wants a man that's just hot. Like, she's not going to marry a man that's just hot.

John [00:41:32]: Right? Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:32]: Like, so you don't want to be a woman that's just hot.

John [00:41:36]: Right.

Nicole [00:41:36]: Like, you have to work on yourself and you. In order to have the standards and have the. And want the man that you want. A good man, a gentleman.

John [00:41:45]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:45]: You have to be a good woman.

John [00:41:48]: Yeah. So where do you find the good men? The location.

Nicole [00:41:52]: I found you on Tinder. And that's the thing that I want women to understand is I found this man on Tinder. I rehabilitated him. He was in his hoe phase, but I did not. I had standards.

John [00:42:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:05]: He had to say, step up and meet.

John [00:42:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:09]: In order to gain access to me. And he felt like I was worth that.

John [00:42:14]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:14]: So he did that. And there's going to be men that don't feel like you're worth that. And that's fine. You don't want those men.

John [00:42:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:19]: But if you are that woman, the thing is, you have to be that woman.

John [00:42:23]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:24]: Because you can't lie and be like, yeah, I'm a great woman. And then you're not.

John [00:42:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:42:29]: Then it doesn't matter. If a man comes up to your standards and he doesn't meet him and he's pissed off, you're like, okay, I wish you the best of luck.

John [00:42:35]: It confused me, right? Because when I text you the next day. Day, I was like, what? Do you not like me? Because I was like, to. I used to. Okay, well, if she likes me, then she'll just sleep with me right away. Because that's how women.

Nicole [00:42:45]: And this is what we're teaching men. They should not know this. Well, but they should not, like, feel like.

John [00:42:50]: Right. But women are acting that way. That's why that was a true thing. You see what I'm saying? I was like, oh, that's weird. Like, what's going on here? Right? And so. But that's like. But you did. You had the standard, which made me, like, intrigued me. Right. And I was like, okay, maybe I should get to know this girl. But there's something different about this one. She clearly likes me. Right.

Nicole [00:43:19]: Well. And look, we've all made mistakes, but.

John [00:43:22]: Why is she not liking being susceptible to my charms? What's happened here. Right. But that made me invest more.

Nicole [00:43:32]: Yeah.

John [00:43:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:33]: Which.

John [00:43:33]: Which is good.

Nicole [00:43:34]: That's what you need.

John [00:43:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:35]: As a woman, you need a man to invest. But I'm not gonna sit here and act like I've never made mistakes or done things differently than I'm saying right now.

John [00:43:44]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:45]: But that's why you should really listen to me, is that I've made the mistakes, and I learned from those mistakes. And I used what I'm talking to you about right now to get the best man that there possibly is. And I know there are more out there. I know that it's a needle in a haystack, but that's why I need women to understand that if you hold yourself to a high standard and you have high standards and you have boundaries, when you're dating and looking for the man that is the best fit for you, you will find him.

John [00:44:20]: Right. Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:21]: You can't have, like, a timeline. And I get, you know, if you want to start a family that's hard, like John said, don't wait till you're 30 years old to be like, whatever. Because even if you want to get married at 30 and have kids, be open to meeting your partner when you're 25.

John [00:44:38]: Sure.

Nicole [00:44:38]: And then being together for five years or, you know, maybe you get married earlier than you thought because you found the best person ever. Like, you can have a sort of guide as far as, like, those timelines. But when you're trying so hard, when you're 29 and you got a year to get married because you told yourself that at 30, you're going to get married, you're going to make mistakes.

John [00:45:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:02]: Whereas if you're open, you'd be like, I would like to be married at 30, but I haven't really. I'm 29. I haven't really met anybody yet. You know, maybe I'll meet somebody and things will progress quickly in a way that feels safe. And I will be. But maybe it'll be 32 or whatever. Like, you have to be open to that.

John [00:45:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:22]: But like you said, not just blow your time with the wrong person or just casually dating around or whatever you're doing. Like, you have to be intentional. And I'm not saying you have to date all the time. If you're working on yourself and then you come out the gate and you're ready to date and you know what you have to offer.

John [00:45:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:44]: Like you said, it is better to go on more dates as a woman because you got a lot of haystacks to be digging Through.

John [00:45:50]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:51]: And if you make it fun, it's not a chore. It's not a bad thing to do. But, you know, being open while having that structure of the boundaries and holding yourself to the same standards that you're looking for is the key.

John [00:46:05]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:06]: To finding a good man. Because a good man wants somebody that respects themselves and them.

John [00:46:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:14]: And when you have the boundaries and you have the standards, you're showing somebody that you respect yourself.

John [00:46:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:21]: And them as well, too. Because you can be honest. It's not like you're being a nice girl and you're just saying yes to everything. A lot of women are nice girls, and they'll sleep with a man that they like because they're like, if I give him what he wants, he'll like me more. No.

John [00:46:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:46:35]: That's actually not true. Just like for men. That's not true for women. Men are like, if I give her everything, she'll love me. Right. And. No.

John [00:46:43]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:44]: Like, we love people who are honest with us and who stand up for what they really believe in. And we love them even if we don't believe the same exact things. So be true to who you are. Have the standards and uphold them and hold the person that you're on a date with or that you're dating accountable for those things. And you're more likely to find the person that you're looking for.

John [00:47:08]: I just realized how hard it is for women to, like, where do you. Because I was just thinking about, where do you go?

Nicole [00:47:14]: And it's like, oh, I never actually even finished. Well, because.

John [00:47:17]: Dating apps. Right. Sure. But for guys. Right. Because I'm always like. Because I tell guys, okay, dating apps, but get off the dating apps. But just go out and get. Like. I'm like, go to, like, a yoga class or, you know, that's where there's a lot of women. Or a dance class or something like that. There's gonna be a lot of women there. Or even just outside the yoga studio, the little coffee shop outside. Like, there's gonna be women from the yoga studio that are gonna be there. Right.

Nicole [00:47:40]: I know women would go to, like, hotel bars for, like, men that are, like, in town, the business trip or something.

John [00:47:46]: But you gotta, like, it's harder, you know, a woman has to be approachable, so she has to look good so that a guy will approach her and then go to places. I mean, it's. A lot of. It is bars and places where guys will have the balls to approach.

Nicole [00:48:02]: Yeah.

John [00:48:02]: Right. I mean, I guess classes. I guess you Know, classes where there's, where guys that are likely to be working on improving themselves would be. That could be, you know, that could make sense. But, you know, but the dating apps.

Nicole [00:48:17]: I think too, even if you focus on where you might trip yourself up, because if I focused on the fact that I met you on Tinder and I really focused on that, it could have ruined what you and I had, to be honest.

John [00:48:28]: No, but like, but, but where, like, where do you even put yourself out there as a woman today?

Nicole [00:48:34]: Besides, I mean, I feel like as a woman, you're kind of always put out there. Like you said, guys are the ones that are on the prowl. The women are always existing.

John [00:48:42]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:42]: Because a guy could approach you at the grocery store.

John [00:48:43]: That means you got to be out of your house. That means you got to be out and doing.

Nicole [00:48:46]: Yeah, just be out of your house.

John [00:48:47]: Well, actually, yeah, you got to be out doing activities. Right. That's what. Because I'm trying to think, like I'm usually coaching guys and telling them where they have to go find women in the real world and they have to go out and approach them. But as a woman, it must mean that you have to be out of your house doing activities, joining co ed sports teams, doing whatever, go to this event, go to that event, a bunch of activities. So you're, you have a wide surface area for guys to then come and approach you. Besides the dating apps. Because the dating apps is really not the thing for either men or women today. Like, it's gotten so bad. I mean, it's gotten worse since we met. Even then it was still pretty bad. It was still pretty hard to, you know, so. But it's just not a good, it's not a good option. And a lot of the, the guys that women are gonna find in dating apps, I know what guys on dating apps are looking for. So.

Nicole [00:49:38]: Yeah, I think too that it's just, it's gonna happen. You have to have faith.

John [00:49:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:49:43]: And if you're doing the things that I talked about, it will happen. But to try not to focus too much on the. What do they say about manifesting? Like. Yeah, yeah, you can focus on some things, but if you like try to hone it down too much, you're actually hindering yourself from getting that thing. So not having like, trying not to have a scarcity mindset and be like, I'm running out of time or like trying to fit whatever man is sitting across from you on a date into the mold that you want if you don't do those things and you have the standards, working on yourself, and you're like, I'm here for the ride, and I know it'll work out. Yeah, it will work out.

John [00:50:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:21]: You have to have that confidence.

John [00:50:23]: Good. Okay. Well, that was good. I think that's.

Nicole [00:50:27]: Hopefully we hit on everything. If we haven't.

John [00:50:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:30]: Let us know because we can add on, you know.

John [00:50:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:34]: Different things that maybe we didn't hit on in this, but it's hard because you're like, how do you find a good man as a woman? You can't control men.

John [00:50:43]: Yeah, it's a little bit. Yeah, It's. You're. You're taking a passive role for the most part. So it is. But I think the things you said is. Is taking the. Having the standards, it's the things in your own. Putting yourself out there enough times, being more feminine, like, so that you're attracting the right kind of guy, not wasting time with the wrong ones.

Nicole [00:51:04]: Yeah, Yeah.

John [00:51:04]: I think those are all the things. And not wasting your personal time on stupid stuff. You know, when you're young, like, grow yourself, do smart things, do things that are going to improve your life, that are dating seriously early on in life and make guys that are dating you be serious.

Nicole [00:51:21]: Right?

John [00:51:21]: So.

Nicole [00:51:21]: Yeah, that's true.

John [00:51:23]: Cool. All right. That's it. Well, yeah. Check us out on. On your favorite podcast. Subscribe to us, give us a review, and check out our website for show notes at. Better than Perf. Better than PerfectPod.com. that's it. Better than PerfectPod.com because better than Perfect Podcast was taken and BetterThanPerfect.com was taken. So better than PerfectPod.com. all right, we'll see you next week.

Nicole [00:51:51]: Next time.