Nicole [00:00:00]: The guy's like, I work hard. I do this. I got you flowers. So the woman's like, I don't want your gifts. I don't want you to, like, clean my car. I want you to spend time with me to act like you actually care. That's most women's chief complaint. Right? Which.

John [00:00:15]: That's a good way to put it.

Nicole [00:00:16]: Most men's chief complaint. I don't care that you're cleaning the house or that you did or that you got me some stuff when you went to the store or that you're. You're telling me that you love me. Like, wear something sexy and show me, you know, beyond the perfect we discovered.

John [00:00:32]: Through our flaws, we complete each other.

Nicole [00:00:36]: Better than perfect we stay through every.

John [00:00:41]: Fault we find our way.

Nicole [00:00:46]: Welcome back to the better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

John [00:00:58]: Second time's the trash. Hey, you. You haven't messed up. I mean, the beginning part, you just got tongue tied. You didn't mess it up.

Nicole [00:01:07]: Yeah, it's getting. Getting professional, getting ingrained for this job that I don't get paid for. The job that you paid for.

John [00:01:18]: It's a lifestyle.

Nicole [00:01:19]: Yeah. I mean, people think we're making a lot of money off of the podcast.

John [00:01:23]: Do they?

Nicole [00:01:24]: They do because they comment.

John [00:01:25]: They're like, oh, you're just trying to make money.

Nicole [00:01:27]: Yeah, yeah. It's like. But we're not selling anything.

John [00:01:31]: We've made what we just got to where like if our video gets views monetization on you. Yeah, we made nine whole dollars, guys.

Nicole [00:01:41]: Yeah, so.

John [00:01:44]: But that's doing this for a lot of episodes and made nine whole dollars.

Nicole [00:01:48]: That's how you know we're legit. Because.

John [00:01:50]: But yeah, we were talking about this the other night, actually, and it's like, you know, we're just trying to help people. Like, it is nice, obviously, and any influencer person doing a podcast or something would feel good making money off of helping people. But there is a line, right? There's a fine line because we were reading a book. I don't know if I should say the book title or not, because it's a good book, but yeah, it is too salesy.

Nicole [00:02:23]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:02:24]: And like I just said, I get that she's discovered this wisdom to help people, but at the same time, the book pushes her, you know, coaching and becoming a coach with her so much that it's a little off putting. And like I told you, like, I would probably stop reading the book if I wasn't the type of person that finishes a book no matter what. Yeah, but it's complicated because, you know, when we take the time to do stuff like this, if one day someone was like. Or we. Again, if there was like a brand, it would have to.

Nicole [00:03:06]: Yeah.

John [00:03:07]: Go with what we believe in, obviously, because we're not sellouts, but something that we. I'm sure other people too, notice other influencers and stuff like that who start just promoting anything to make money. And I get. People need to make a living, but it takes away from the authentic authenticity of helping people sometimes.

Nicole [00:03:32]: Yeah, yeah, there's a balance. It's. It's hard because it's like, you know, I talk about all the time in my coaching, it was the struggle between the artist and the entrepreneur. Right. The artist just wants to make the art, but you can be a starving artist if you just make the art. The entrepreneur just wants to. What are people going to buy? You know, let me. Let me just sell them whatever they're going to buy. And there's like a balance between the two because you can't be all one or all the other.

John [00:03:58]: Right, but exactly.

Nicole [00:04:00]: You want to be just the artist.

John [00:04:02]: I mean, right now we are just the artists with our $9.

Nicole [00:04:06]: Yeah, that's true.

John [00:04:07]: So. And that's. I mean, we didn't start this to make money. We started it to help people. So, yeah, luckily we do have you who brings home the bread so that this is something that we don't have to, like, push onto people and can have people feel like this is authentic and real. Because that's what it is and that's what we want it to be. But I didn't know that the beginning of this would turn all into that. But. And that you would choke on liquid death in front of us.

Nicole [00:04:39]: But no, we could also do like a sponsorship model at some point too, where, like, if you like, people sponsor the podcast as opposed to, you know, I mean, so it's run by donation type of thing to cover the cost of the podcast because the podcast is not cheap, you know, about two grand a month or so to.

John [00:05:00]: That's because we're in this operating place. But.

Nicole [00:05:03]: And we do the clips and stuff.

John [00:05:05]: We gotta come see Rodrigo and our.

Nicole [00:05:07]: Clips channel, you know, so there's, like, people to pay for all that stuff. But it's an investment.

John [00:05:13]: Yeah, it's worth it for the. The knowledge that people are getting and. Yeah, spreading that. But not to toot our own horn or anything, but. Yeah. So any other updates, John? Wanted my parents to come on the podcast because they're in town. Well, they won't be by the time this comes out, but my mom, she came on.

Nicole [00:05:35]: Yeah.

John [00:05:36]: My podcast I had that I was just doing out of my apartment a long time ago.

Nicole [00:05:42]: Yeah.

John [00:05:42]: And that was the most popular episode I ever did. I have no idea why. Like, I mean, my mom didn't even really want to be on it, but I think it was around Covid when she was, like, stuck with me. And so I, like, had her get on there. But I don't know why people like that one so much.

Nicole [00:05:59]: Well, maybe next. They're still gonna be here next Friday, right?

John [00:06:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:06:02]: So we can convince them. I know your dad will want to.

John [00:06:04]: Do it, but we'll see. We'll see if they end up on here. But if any of you guys come for my parents.

Nicole [00:06:12]: Yeah, this wouldn't be a good idea.

John [00:06:15]: I'm one of those people that are, like, nice until you, like, try to comfort somebody that I care about. Then the.

Nicole [00:06:24]: All the.

John [00:06:24]: All the gloves come off.

Nicole [00:06:26]: Yeah. But yeah, also, I mean, while we're at it, if you're local in San Diego. Well, two things. One, if you're local in San Diego and you have a podcast or something and you talk about relationships or something related, then send us an email. We'll.

John [00:06:45]: And we're creative. We could maybe make it work.

Nicole [00:06:47]: Yeah. If there's something that.

John [00:06:49]: Even if it's like.

Nicole [00:06:50]: Because we're only recording in person podcasts, because we have a lot of people that ask to be on the podcast, but they're not in person. And then also if you're local in San Diego or you're going to be in San Diego and you want some relationship coaching live on the podcast for everyone to see, then. Yeah, contact us. Yeah.

John [00:07:10]: Like we were talking about, come get.

Nicole [00:07:12]: Your time on the Better than Perfect podcast. Gmail.com. or is it better than perfect? I think it's better than perfect Podcast at Gmail.

John [00:07:22]: Good question. I don't know.

Nicole [00:07:23]: You could. Yeah, you could message us.

John [00:07:25]: You made that one Instagram.

Nicole [00:07:26]: I think it. I think it is better.

John [00:07:28]: We're obviously not getting a lot of emails.

Nicole [00:07:30]: Yeah, no, we get some email. You know, just not a lot of. But yeah, you know, let me see what it is.

John [00:07:35]: I mean, we. We dabbled with the idea of a call in show too, at some point, but that would have to be probably more live, but I guess it wouldn't have to be.

Nicole [00:07:45]: Oh, that's weird. I thought I had. Oh, yeah. Better than perfect. Podcastmail.com it is said.

John [00:07:49]: Okay, so, yeah, hit us up.

Nicole [00:07:53]: All right, what do we got for today? You got the Today episode.

John [00:07:57]: The episode is going to be about love languages.

Nicole [00:08:00]: Okay.

John [00:08:01]: And John wants to quiz me on love languages. I sent him a screenshot just to make sure we got them all down. But they are quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, and acts of service. That should be.

Nicole [00:08:22]: I think that's it. Yeah, you got it.

John [00:08:25]: And, yeah. So I don't know where we want to start, but I guess I definitely wanted to ask you because I'm curious. I feel like we've talked about this, but I haven't asked you. Asked you. But do you think they're real? Do you think they matter? Do you think they change, basically? What do you think of them?

Nicole [00:08:51]: Well, I mean, I guess I'll give you my philosophical answer, which is that, well, everything is a model, right? So what I mean by model is there's no accurate representation of really anything in the universe. It's all a model. Just like, you know, you see, we're going real deep. Yeah, we're going deep. We're going philosophy 100, 100 miles per hour. So just like an atom, right? You've seen the pictures of an atom, right? Like with the nucleus and then the electrons orbiting around. Well, that's actually the old model of the. An atom doesn't actually look like that, right? The space between electrons and the nucleus is way bigger than just the little orbit. It's a huge amount. But then there's like another model, like the electron cloud model, which shows like that maybe you see in the later textbooks, maybe high school textbooks, right? And it's like. It's like a cloud. It's not even showing it, like, circling the. Because that's. It takes into effect quantum mechanics. And anyway, it's all just a model. It's all just an approximation of the thing so you can understand it. A map is a model, right, of the Earth or, you know, where. Where you're going. So the love languages are a model. They're not. It's not like there's just five love languages. These are the five things that. It just has to be one of these ways. It's just a way of kind of grouping things together that generally fit that. You could generally say that, you know.

John [00:10:30]: It'S a way to build up.

Nicole [00:10:33]: I don't think I've read the book.

John [00:10:34]: I don't think I've read the book. You thought I did.

Nicole [00:10:39]: No, I was just thinking, okay, I.

John [00:10:41]: Thought you would have read the book.

Nicole [00:10:43]: As everyone clicks off of this, they're like, oh, they're going to talk about love languages they haven't read the book about. They're just going to talk about what they think about. Lovely.

John [00:10:52]: I mean, right?

Nicole [00:10:53]: It comes up in enough other books and topics.

John [00:10:55]: Right. But it's like, also, do you need to read the book? Like, people know enough about it. I get it. Probably goes more in depth. But yeah, I don't think we need to throw out the whole episode because we didn't read the books.

Nicole [00:11:10]: But yeah, so it's a model. That's what I think is that it's just like a lot of things people take sometimes models too seriously. Right. Even like, I'm getting in trouble. Catch them for this one. But introversion, introverts and extroverts doesn't really exist. It's a model for classifying things to make it a little easier to talk about things to say, okay, this person's introverted. This person's extroverted doesn't really. Humans aren't really that black and white. Right. There's no this person's introvert. This person's extrovert. Right. You know, people get upset when I say this, but it's because it's a model. It's not the. But you have to have models in order to be able to look at things or talk about things. Right. That are close enough approximations.

John [00:11:56]: So you think everybody has some version of all of them, Is that what you're saying? And then. Well, I mean, they do when you do, like the quizzes online. I have taken a quiz.

Nicole [00:12:07]: Yeah.

John [00:12:08]: They, like, rank them. So like. And normally you have some percentage of all of them. So I would agree with that.

Nicole [00:12:15]: Right.

John [00:12:15]: But it's like. So what you're saying, though, is that people just go based off of their top one and then say like, this is my love language. When really it's whatever combination of all of them.

Nicole [00:12:32]: Well, I think it's also. I think it changes over time. I think it's more of usually what a person's lacking the most in terms of validation. Okay, Right. So.

John [00:12:50]: Have that love.

Nicole [00:12:51]: Right. I think that can change over time. But I do think that, you know, to some degree, some people find some things more meaningful.

John [00:13:00]: Do you think it changes or do you think maybe it gets fulfilled and then it moves on to the next thing?

Nicole [00:13:08]: Yeah, I mean, yeah, however you want to say it, I think it's pretty much the same idea.

John [00:13:13]: Well, I have a philosophy.

Nicole [00:13:15]: Okay, give me your philosophy.

John [00:13:18]: I Feel like, okay, a majority of men's top lump language is physical touch, and obviously it's because they enjoy other physical activities. But, like, I feel like if you polled 100 men, right, 98 of them, their top one would be physical touch.

Nicole [00:13:43]: I mean, some guys will lie because they don't want to just be grouped into it, but, yeah, you're right. So. But here's the thing about it, all right? And this is a different topic for a different podcast episode I've been wanting to do, which we'll eventually do, which is that I think a lot of modern psychology and therapy can be rewritten in terms of masculinity and femininity, right? And I think this is also one of them because, you know, you've heard me talk about with attachment theory, right? Anxious attachment is just feminine, and avoiding attachment is just masculine. Now, they're the wrong versions of feminine masculine, but they're those attributes, right? And usually it does fall that women have the anxious attachment and men have the avoidant attachment. Right? So I think the same thing with love languages is that it's. You could say love languages, or you can say, okay, this is how men feel loved. This is how women feel loved. And you're gonna find some variation, but I think the groupings will be.

John [00:14:55]: Women's do vary more than men's, though. And I want to ask you, because I think your top one's physical touch, isn't it? I mean, you're a guy, so.

Nicole [00:15:02]: Well, I mean, let's just. Let me just think about. Right, Okay. I mean, physical touch, right? Words of affirmation.

John [00:15:09]: That's like your second.

Nicole [00:15:10]: No, I'm just trying to think, like, oh, of them. Like, do I care about that? Right.

John [00:15:15]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:15:16]: Yeah. I mean, there. That is it. What's the other one? Gifts. Yeah, no, but. But, yeah, yeah, I don't care about gifts.

John [00:15:27]: Acts of service.

Nicole [00:15:31]: Not so much.

John [00:15:33]: Quality time.

Nicole [00:15:35]: Yeah, okay.

John [00:15:36]: Yeah, okay. Okay. So as someone who literally, my last one whenever I take a quiz is physical touch.

Nicole [00:15:47]: So.

John [00:15:48]: But I'm thinking of it, and I feel like guys love language version of physical touch is also different than women's love language of physical touch. Because I feel like women more like, want hugs and kisses and, like, holding their hand and, like, I'm not saying guys don't want that, but I feel like typically they want more of like, oh, she touches my arm and she, like, I don't like more like, trying to set the mood for the other thing that they want. You know what I mean? Would you say that that's true.

Nicole [00:16:22]: I think that's. I think that's true. But I mean, we talked about in some other episodes that a woman showing desire for a man, it's what makes him feel good.

John [00:16:33]: Right. So that's where it's like. It's more of, like, desiring, touching. I would think that men want more than, like, a hug. I'm not saying men don't want a hug.

Nicole [00:16:43]: Right.

John [00:16:43]: But I'm saying that I feel like that would cater more towards a woman who has physical touch as her number one. Because there are women who have physical touches. Their. Their main one.

Nicole [00:16:54]: Yeah.

John [00:16:54]: But I don't feel like theirs is necessarily more sexual as I feel like men's is, if that makes sense.

Nicole [00:17:02]: I see what you're saying. Yeah, that's an interesting distinction. I. I would agree with that. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

John [00:17:10]: And two, I agree with you that I think that what your love language is has to do with, like, how you grew up and maybe a thing that you were, like, lacking that made you feel loved, or you got these things, but not enough of one of them that really made you feel loved. Because, again, as kids, we don't know. We're not going to be like, hey, mom, dad, like, quality time is my love language. Can you hang out with me? Like, so I feel like that's where it stems from, but at the same. And I don't know too, if, like, my physical touch one is so low because I didn't come from a family that, like, gave a bunch of hugs all the time and did all that stuff, like, would it be different if I had, like, would that have moved up, change? So that's where it's, like, interesting. I think it's interesting, like, the psychology behind it. And I guess we'll have to read the book or something to at least figure it out. But I also think there's no harm in kind of dissecting it the way that we have. Even though some people will be like, you didn't even read the book. I'm not gonna watch this. Well, you didn't need to comment then, so who knows? But at the same time, it's. It's just interesting to think about because, like I said, I've always felt like when you ask a guy, majority of the time they're like, physical touch. And to me, when I think about it, like, I don't see some guy being like, hug me, hug me. You know, like, for the physical touch, it's more of, like, he feels loved, like you said, when he feels desired which would be like. Yeah, a woman, like, touching your arm or being like you're so strong or something, or, like, sitting next to you and, like, I don't know, playing with your hair or something.

Nicole [00:18:58]: I don't.

John [00:18:59]: What. What do you guys like about the physical touch?

Nicole [00:19:03]: Yeah, I mean, I think the. I think the hugging and kissing is in there as well.

John [00:19:09]: Right. I'm not saying they don't want it at all.

Nicole [00:19:10]: Yeah, but. Yeah, but anything that's indicating a. An amount of sexual desire that. Right, right. Because it's sort of the way that men generally value themselves in the hierarchy. Right. If they're honest. Right. So most guys are not honest about that. But. But even. I was just talking with Nikhil, the Captain Sinbad, and. Because we were looking at some of his videos on a coaching call that we were doing, and we're trying to kind of get to the bottom of, well, what is it? Why are these videos doing? Well, like, what is the thing that our audience, or really just men in general are looking for? And it came down to really. We were like, okay, well, it's things that give men status. They want to know. But it's. It's really validation checks to be, am I. You know, am I attractive to him? Am I status enough that, you know, that I. I'm perceived as valuable to the opposite sex. Right. That's what tends to draw the most guys. And so then that's the thing that is really motivating a lot of what they do.

John [00:20:27]: Right. And it makes sense that words of affirmation would be kind of next, because I feel like that goes with the respect thing. Right. Like, a man wants to hear that you respect him or that you admire his thoughts and his decision and his wisdom and things like that.

Nicole [00:20:47]: Right.

John [00:20:47]: So, again, I feel like a majority of men would have those two.

Nicole [00:20:53]: Yeah. Well, what would. What's your top one?

John [00:20:55]: Quality time.

Nicole [00:20:56]: Okay, that's.

John [00:20:57]: And we've talked about, like, quality time. I feel like since we're together all the time, that's, like, fulfilled. I never have, like, a. I mean, besides when we're. You're working. But that also is a time where I'm like, nicole, get a grip. Like, you're gonna see him in a little bit. Like, it's fine. But again, if I reflect on my own self, my parents both worked to support our family and made sure my brother and I had everything that we wanted.

Nicole [00:21:29]: Yeah.

John [00:21:29]: You know, as kids. And so in order to do that, though, they had to work a lot. And so if I look back and I'm honest. I missed time with them. Right. Like, spending time with them.

Nicole [00:21:41]: Right.

John [00:21:42]: And so it makes sense to me that quality time is important because that is the thing that I wanted that I couldn't necessarily have as a kid. And again, like, I'm not trying to talk poorly about my parents. They did all this, and I'm sure they realized that they had to sacrifice in some area to. To get to that point.

Nicole [00:22:03]: Sure.

John [00:22:03]: But just saying that I feel like if people reflect on where they're at, especially more women, I guess, because, like I said, I do feel like a majority of men are looking for that physical touch.

Nicole [00:22:16]: Right.

John [00:22:16]: To fulfill their need for desire now. But if you look at a lot of women's love language, it's very varied. And so I feel like if you're a woman, it's especially important to, like, look back and be like, okay, well, why do I feel like this is so important to me? Because I friends that words of affirmation are their number one or physical touch, you know, as a woman or quality time or some people like receiving gifts or, you know, things like that.

Nicole [00:22:45]: Yeah.

John [00:22:46]: And so it makes you think, like, okay, well, do they like receiving gifts? Because maybe they didn't get something that meant something to them, like when they were younger or, you know, I don't know, something like, it just makes you, like, think about it. And I'm not saying that men can't do this with their own love languages, but I just feel like, like I said, the majority of men, it's, like, more about right now.

Nicole [00:23:12]: Yeah.

John [00:23:12]: Whereas for women, it's like. And I guess it makes sense because women are more focused on love and relationships.

Nicole [00:23:20]: Yeah.

John [00:23:20]: And so they would be the ones thinking about the love languages more anyway, or, you know, trying to fulfill maybe something that they didn't have back then.

Nicole [00:23:31]: Which one? Okay, so what if you flipped it and said which one? If it were missing, would you not want to lose the mo? Like, which one would be the most damaging to you if you never got it again? If you never got physical touch, or if you never got words of information, you never got gifts, you never got quality time or I think quality time. Yeah. Okay.

John [00:23:56]: Like, I'm not saying. Well, I mean, that's why it's the number one, Right. Because it's like.

Nicole [00:24:02]: Well, yeah.

John [00:24:03]: The one that makes you feel most connected to somebody. So it's like, do I want all those other things to go away? No.

Nicole [00:24:10]: No.

John [00:24:11]: But if I'm sitting here and I'm like, what would cause an emotional reaction from Me, if I never got this again, it'd be the quality time.

Nicole [00:24:19]: Yeah.

John [00:24:19]: Because then at that point, think of it like from my perspective, quality time is the important one. If we barely got to see each other.

Nicole [00:24:29]: Right.

John [00:24:30]: And lived like roommates, basically, like a lot of people do.

Nicole [00:24:33]: Right.

John [00:24:34]: To someone who cares about quality time, that would feel almost like you don't have that relationship and you don't have that strong of connection because you're not spending time with each other and really being present with each other. Right. Cause quality time, it's not just time. It's not just.

Nicole [00:24:53]: It's just. Yeah.

John [00:24:54]: You know, sometimes you can just sit with the person that you care about and be in the same room and hang out. And that does feel. Feel good to you.

Nicole [00:25:00]: Right.

John [00:25:01]: But it's quality time for a reason. Why? Like, getting to connect with each other, getting to, you know, be close and have deep conversations and those sort of things.

Nicole [00:25:13]: Yeah.

John [00:25:14]: So I do think it'd be the top one. Which would you say that it would be if I asked you that question? Would it be physical touch, since that's your top one, or would it be words of affirmation or. I feel like those were the top two.

Nicole [00:25:30]: Gifts is a weird one.

John [00:25:31]: Like, I know that's not true because I have the hardest time getting you gifts. And like, what. Like, what does John want that he doesn't already have?

Nicole [00:25:40]: Yeah.

John [00:25:41]: I mean, I do also agree that gifts. But I mean, like I said, if maybe they never got a gift or never was presented with a gift in a way where someone was like, this made me think of you, or like, yeah, I know you really wanted this or something, maybe that would make the importance higher.

Nicole [00:25:58]: Yeah. That just seems weird. Like, who I'm gonna insult, you know, 1/5 of people, but it's not 1/5. It's like 2%. But who has gifts as their top?

John [00:26:09]: Somebody. Someone.

Nicole [00:26:10]: It just seems weird that you would have gifts as, you know, I mean.

John [00:26:13]: It does feel like it's a more material. Because it is the most material one.

Nicole [00:26:17]: Right. But like, even if, like, no judgment, just like, does that. That makes you feel the most loved?

John [00:26:23]: If you're like, love language is gift giving or receiving? Is it gift giving?

Nicole [00:26:29]: It's receiving.

John [00:26:30]: Okay. If it's receiving gifts.

Nicole [00:26:32]: Yeah.

John [00:26:33]: Educate us.

Nicole [00:26:34]: Yeah. Because I don't. It just seems to.

John [00:26:36]: Maybe if we'd read the book then and he would have educated us.

Nicole [00:26:39]: Yeah. I mean, I think I might wrote it. I think I would probably. Well, I don't know. I guess. I guess it would still Be the physical. But maybe it's a quality time. I don't know. It's hard to. It's hard to. It's weird because you don't want to take away. Like, what would you. What could you live without? Or I mean, what. What could you not live without is sort of the right. The thing.

John [00:26:59]: But at the same time, I guess I don't view physical touch as physical intimacy. Like, yeah, you have to touch each other, but I view, like, physical touch as, like, touching each other outside side of that. Does that make sense?

Nicole [00:27:15]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:27:17]: So I guess it's not like I'm not thinking of it as I'm never going to be physically intimate ever again, but maybe men would think that.

Nicole [00:27:25]: Yeah, yeah.

John [00:27:26]: And that's why they would choose that. But I. I don't see it as that because I feel like if that was what it was about, like just the sexual part of it, it would be called something more having to do with that. But maybe I'm wrong.

Nicole [00:27:42]: Yeah. No, I think that. Yeah. I think it just depends on what people think of when they think of the things. Right. Because it's even the same thing. Like words of affirmation. It depends on what those words are. Right. And who it is.

John [00:28:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:28:00]: Like certain things are more meaningful than other things.

John [00:28:05]: But it just makes me think too, of like people with words of affirmation. Maybe they didn't hear the things that made them feel as loved as they could be. I'm not saying they were never loved.

Nicole [00:28:15]: Yeah.

John [00:28:16]: From important people in their life. Because you're right. Like, it usually is the important people that they care about.

Nicole [00:28:22]: And I think the biggest point of the. The 5L love languages thing and is that is the idea that just because this thing makes you feel loved doesn't mean it makes the other person. So don't just do the thing that you think that's what people get confused a lot. The biggest piece of it, they're like.

John [00:28:41]: My love language is quality time. So I'm going to spend quality time with him.

Nicole [00:28:45]: Right.

John [00:28:45]: But you have to know what his is. So, like, yours is physical touch. So what I would do is touch your arm or like give you more hugs and do that. And then you would spend more time. Quality time with me, not vice versa. Not me. Be like, oh, let's hang out, John. Like, you know, I mean that. Because then it's just fulfilling your own right.

Nicole [00:29:07]: Exactly.

John [00:29:08]: Like trying to force right the situation to fulfill your own right rather than fulfilling theirs.

Nicole [00:29:16]: Exactly. Yeah. Because you just assume that if you like it, they must, must like. Right, that's, that's a.

John [00:29:22]: And they do overlap a little bit. Like, I mean, quite a bit. Like you said, everybody has like some percentage of all of these.

Nicole [00:29:31]: Yeah.

John [00:29:31]: And in a especially romantic relationship, you're going to have all of these. Right. Like you're going to spend time together, you're going to have the physical touch, you're going to tell each other nice things, you're going to give each other gifts, you're going to do stuff for the other person to help them out. So it's not like one reigns supreme.

Nicole [00:29:52]: Yeah.

John [00:29:52]: I mean when you're asked like you, where you're like, which one would you like, absolutely not be able to give up, then I feel like that's when people talk about their main one. But from a general standpoint, they all play a part no matter what. Because I'm sure even though we were talking about receiving gifts, if I never got you a gift or you never got me a gift, I'd be like, mean, like, he loves me, but like what? I don't know, like, does he not want to? Like, is there a reason? Like, I mean, I guess too, I'm thinking of it as like, you give, you gave me gifts and then if you just stopped, I'd be like, what? But I guess from the very beginning, if you didn't, it'd be normal.

Nicole [00:30:39]: But yeah, I guess, I guess that.

John [00:30:42]: Yeah, because it's not about the gift, right. It's about, it's about the thought of.

Nicole [00:30:47]: Exactly. That's why it's like it's a model. It's not, I think it's not even the best model, honestly, to.

John [00:30:53]: Oh, well, what would you think the best model would be?

Nicole [00:30:56]: Well, to look at things through the masculine and feminine. Right. And, and what fulfills the masculine versus what fulfills.

John [00:31:02]: What would the love language be then for masculine and feminine?

Nicole [00:31:05]: Well, okay, well, look at it this way, right? So most women, right, what would their chief complaint be in a long term relationship? They would. Because the guys like, I work hard, I do this. I got you flowers, I got you, you know, so the woman's like, I don't want your gifts, I don't want your, you know, you just say all these nice things to me, right. I don't want you to like clean my car or you know, I want you to spend time with me to act like you actually carry. Like, I know, like, you know that you're, you're. I'm more important than your work. Right. So that's. Most women's chief complaint. Right. Which.

John [00:31:47]: That's a good way to put it.

Nicole [00:31:48]: Most men's chief complaint, if they're, if you can get it out of them would be I don't care that you're cleaning the house or that you did or that you got me some stuff when you went to the store or you know, or that you're. You're telling me that you love me. Like wear something sexy and show me, you know, that's what like a guy's like, I want to see the, those other things don't matter as much. Right. But women will typically think, oh, I'm doing all these things. Right? And he's like no, I want you to do the one thing that I, that matters to me. And women, the same thing is like guys like I'm doing all these things. And women are like no, I want you to do the one thing that matters to me, which is actually showing that you want to spend time with me as a human being, as a, as a person. Right. Because again, I think a lot of it comes down to. Right. Just like I was saying how if men are honest, the way that we as men value ourselves. Right. Is in attracting women or getting the sexual desire of, of women. That is what men see. They will rank themselves in a hierarchy based on that ability.

John [00:32:58]: Why do they do that?

Nicole [00:32:58]: Well, hold on. But women, right. The way women value themselves and they don't really have the same hierarchical. They're more egalitarian but is based on feeling like who they are as a person is valued, right. Not their physical appearance, especially if they are. You know, I think that when you see deviations from it, it's when like women that have a very high physical touch, usually it's women that don't see themselves as physically attractive. But if a woman has a healthy self esteem in terms of her appearance and attraction, then she's more likely to be valuing herself based on how like it like spending time with someone, wanting to spend time with someone that indicates that you value them as a person, their personality, who they are, that you just don't see them as a sexual object. Right. That's that you're not just.

John [00:33:58]: Women who have physical touches, their main one are lacking self confidence or self esteem.

Nicole [00:34:09]: Yeah.

John [00:34:09]: Why is that?

Nicole [00:34:11]: Usually because they didn't get it from.

John [00:34:12]: Their father or mother.

Nicole [00:34:16]: Right? Well, usually it's the father in. In that case. Right. Because.

John [00:34:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:34:22]: But I think a woman knows that tries to get attention from men to make up for the fatherly attention that she didn't get that love.

John [00:34:30]: I mean, I agree with that.

Nicole [00:34:31]: And she knows to get it through physical touch.

John [00:34:33]: But I think that people can also do that if they don't have a good connection with their mother as well too. Like it is more dependent on the father relationship for sure. But it, you can also see it because I feel like a mother not doing that affects a woman's self esteem in a different way than if a father doesn't do it. And I do agree with you that I think that if she doesn't have that with her father, it might lead to more promiscuity.

Nicole [00:35:06]: Right, Right.

John [00:35:07]: Because it's like that masculine, feminine dynamic and that part goes into it. And again, before we get into like Freudian things here.

Nicole [00:35:18]: Yeah.

John [00:35:19]: I feel like though it is still important and it'd be wrong to not mention that if a mother isn't also making her daughter feel good about herself.

Nicole [00:35:29]: Right.

John [00:35:29]: She will still have that void. It's just different. But she can still have the image down the same path because she isn't confident in herself.

Nicole [00:35:40]: Yeah.

John [00:35:41]: And so people can try to overcompensate for that. And it could also happen to people for other reasons too, like trauma with cheating or things like that. A lot of people who get cheated on take it personally as someone who got cheated on and took it personally, you know, that also is something that can, you know, mess with your perception of things. But like you said, I think it does go with that sort of self esteem, self confidence side to it.

Nicole [00:36:14]: And there's also this element of what people think that their love languages and then what it actually is. Because many times when we say what we want, it's not what we actually want. Right. We think we want one thing, we don't realize that it's something else that we actually want. Right, Right. So I think there's some of that too, because. But again, so much of it is in denial. Right. Like I said, if we look and examine our true motives for things, we usually don't want to do that because we don't like what we find.

John [00:36:47]: There you have the harsh truth.

Nicole [00:36:50]: But. But it is somewhat of a reality. Like I said, for majority of men, that's they're valuing themselves based on their ability to, you know, that's why it's like, oh, this guy's a stud. Right. Like that's how men complement each other. Right.

John [00:37:07]: Don't worry, I didn't forget. I was gonna circle back around on that one. So what do men always value themselves based on women finding them attractive or when does that happen? And do you think that is why a majority of men have physical touch? Because that's their goal and like, why is that the goal?

Nicole [00:37:30]: I think, I think a majority of men do again, if they're totally honest and can actually even see their own motives. Right. Because most men are going to deny that that is the case. But then when you look at the psychology of it and you see how men behave and what they respond to, then you can see that that probably is one of the major, if not the major, driving force. But I think, you know, it can, it can depend on again, like your childhood, what you did or did not have and how you were, you know, how you were responded to at earlier points in your life. But I don't think that's like the only thing. Right.

John [00:38:12]: Obviously I was gonna say, how does that change too, when you get married? When it's like not multiple women.

Nicole [00:38:18]: Yeah.

John [00:38:18]: Then it's one woman.

Nicole [00:38:19]: That's why it becomes so critical in a marriage for the woman to show that. Because the guy needs to know that he's still that stud even. He doesn't want to feel like he's now a tamed in a cage puppy dog. Right. He still wants to feel like he's the lion. Right. And so the woman has to continue to make him feel that way. Just like the same thing on the flip side, right. A woman doesn't want to get married and then feel like she's not worthy romanced. Right. Exactly. And so because, you know, yeah, she has. If she was single, she'd have plenty of suitors that would try and romance, you know what I'm saying? So. So she's got to get that, you know, it's almost like, I would say validation, but it's the security, the sense of security of it from somewhere else. Right. From. From her husband. So that makes sense. Yeah, but. But I think that's a better way to look at the, you know, like I said, through the masculine and feminine. I think you can understand more about.

John [00:39:27]: Yeah, because I mean, like I mentioned in the beginning, it is different. Like I said, I do feel like a majority of men kind of have physical touch or words of affirmation because of the reasons we already discussed. And women can vary more and I think it's, you know, those kind of go more into like all of them. If you look at all of them, Right. You need all of them for a relationship. So if a woman's is one or the other, she's still looking for that. Like you said, that way of you showing her that you actually care about her.

Nicole [00:40:02]: Right.

John [00:40:03]: And that can vary based off of what she was lacking growing up. I guess that would make her feel. Feel most loved by you. But I agree, and I'm biased though because we already know that mine is quality time. But there is something where if someone's just with you and enjoys time with you, that that means so much. Like, like you said, there's plenty of women out there who are like, I don't want you to walk the dog every day. I don't want you to like, buy me a gift. I just want you to love me. Right. Like, and it's not that she doesn't care about those, and it's not to say that those things don't matter because they're still nice and like we talked about, they're part of a well rounded relationship when you have all of the things to some degree, right. But it does make you feel like someone genuinely cares about you when all there is is you and the time together. Right?

Nicole [00:41:02]: Yeah.

John [00:41:02]: And you feel like someone's choosing to sit there with you and spend time with you. And again, it's not the main one for everybody, but I think it ties into what you said. Whereas like from a feminine perspective of it, that's what a woman wants. Like she wants to be loved right to her core, right. You know, and men want to feel desired and needed, right? Right.

Nicole [00:41:31]: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that's where the words of affirmation comes in, is the to be looked up to, respected, accomplished, you know, congratulate for their accomplishments. Right. So. And you know, I think it has a lot of root in evolutionary biology. Right. Because if you think about it too, again with the feminine, the masculine, right. What do women, in fact, women probably have the gifts as probably number two or number three on their, on their list. I would guess that a lot of women do because. So for a woman, right. What are the things that she's concerned with? Right? So if a guy really likes her beyond just her physical appearance, which she knows fades over time. Right. Again, not smart to base something on something that you don't have control over. He has to actually like you as a person, love you as a person. Right. So physical like gifts, first of all, they show that he's willing to allocate his resources to her. Right. Which is, you know, an evolutionary marker that a good mating strategy. Right. A man. That, that's why, you know, I don't.

John [00:42:43]: Know, that was like my second last one.

Nicole [00:42:45]: Well, but, but women in general, right. From an evolutionary Biology, perspective, select men that have high resources that they share with them. Right?

John [00:42:57]: So, I mean, it makes sense because he's also investing in you.

Nicole [00:43:00]: Exactly, right. That's why we buy diamond rings and jewelry, right? It's because it shows, like, the. The more invested, the less likely he is to go and leave. Right? And then the quality time also indicates that. That same. Same thing, right?

John [00:43:15]: We haven't talked a lot about acts of service.

Nicole [00:43:18]: I mean, acts of services also, which.

John [00:43:19]: I feel like that became, like, mine. If you take out quality time because we spend so much time together, like I said, acts of service became, I think, my number one. But it's still not quality time, right? And, like, I don't need you to do stuff for me. But it's like, when you do things, I'm gonna use you as an example, obviously, like, you know, I don't like doing the dishes, like, by hand. I don't like doing the dishes. I'll fold laundry all day, but I don't want to do the dishes. And sometimes you just do them and, like, you do them for me. You don't, like, be like, hey, I'm doing the dishes for you, but I can tell you're, like, genuinely doing them because, you know, I don't like to do them, right? And that means a lot. Like, it's not just like, oh, he, like, cleaned the car, or, you know, these things. It's you doing something to help me because, you know, I don't like it.

Nicole [00:44:21]: Right?

John [00:44:22]: And I think that is, like, the key behind the acts of service thing, right? Is like, someone doing something for you because they care about you and you don't have to ask for it. You know, they're not like, holding it over your head like, hey, I did the dishes. You know what that means, you know, or something like that. And it's like those genuine moments of, like, someone trying to help you or someone doing something for you that they know you might not want to do, or something like that is the acts of service.

Nicole [00:44:54]: And if you think about that, right? If I put those three, right. If I put quality time, acts of service, and gifts for a woman, those things indicate that he's not just here for the sex. For the sex. And you see what I'm saying, that he's not just using you for the.

John [00:45:16]: Physical aspect, because unfortunately, the words of affirmation with men, right?

Nicole [00:45:20]: You can't trust.

John [00:45:21]: Yeah. You can't trust it concrete.

Nicole [00:45:23]: In fact, it's difficult to compliment a woman, right? She doesn't. It doesn't believe It. Right. So if you flip it, though, what is a man's main concern is that he's being used for his resources or status.

John [00:45:39]: Right.

Nicole [00:45:40]: Right. So what proves that it's not the case? One physical touch. If she wants you, she desires you, then she's not using you for your money and for your status. Right. Number two, words of affirmation. If she looks up to you and respects you, which is harder for a woman, it's much harder for her to. A man could. Could say, whatever, try and get in your pants. Right. He doesn't have any problem doing that. He can bullshit you.

John [00:46:05]: Well, this is exactly why women don't believe the compliments.

Nicole [00:46:08]: A woman, she has to swallow a lot of. To be able to call a man that she doesn't respect a man that she respects, or to say, oh, you're so big and strong, when she doesn't really think it. Right. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's harder for her to, like, those come across as more genuine.

John [00:46:25]: Right, Right.

Nicole [00:46:25]: So. So that's why those things.

John [00:46:28]: What would be the third one if you had to pick three for men?

Nicole [00:46:31]: I always forget.

John [00:46:31]: Okay, so it's physical touch, words of affirmation. What would be the third?

Nicole [00:46:36]: We said acts of service for women.

John [00:46:38]: Gifts and then quality time.

Nicole [00:46:44]: I mean, I don't know if there.

John [00:46:47]: Is like a. I think there's only those two.

Nicole [00:46:50]: I think it's the. Mostly the. The two. Yeah. Because I don't. I don't see the.

John [00:46:57]: I don't think quality time.

Nicole [00:47:00]: Yeah.

John [00:47:02]: You're like, no.

Nicole [00:47:03]: Yeah, I guess that. I mean. But women always want your time. So I don't think that, like, it feels like, you know, that that's a.

John [00:47:13]: But I would say it as, like, listening to you talk about the things that you care about and things like that. Like, that's quality time.

Nicole [00:47:21]: Yeah, I guess that's quality.

John [00:47:22]: Men do value that.

Nicole [00:47:23]: Yeah, I think. I think so. But it just, you know, that's where it starts to become more of a blurry line. Whereas I think those two are distinct for men and the other three are distinct for women.

John [00:47:34]: If we had to pick three.

Nicole [00:47:35]: Yeah.

John [00:47:35]: Because I do think it would be quality time too, because there's plenty of men out there that are like, my wife doesn't listen to how I feel and all that stuff. And that's quality time is sitting down and.

Nicole [00:47:45]: Yeah. If you interpret it that way.

John [00:47:47]: Getting to the nitty gritty of what's going on.

Nicole [00:47:50]: Yeah.

John [00:47:50]: I mean, like, if I had. If we did three for each. But I understand that the top two are the physical touch and the words of affirmation. But just to equal.

Nicole [00:48:00]: I think if you define quality time as I'm going to spend time with you, it's about you this time versus we're just going to be together. Right.

John [00:48:10]: Well, that's why I said it has to be some sort of quality. Some people do just like having somebody there and they would classify that as quality time, but the. That same person would still feel like the true definition of quality time is sitting with somebody paying attention to you there.

Nicole [00:48:26]: Yeah, yeah, that, that. Then, then I would say that makes sense. But.

John [00:48:29]: Right.

Nicole [00:48:29]: But yeah, but yeah, I think that's more so. And I think that when things fall out of that, those categories, that there's something going on. Right. Because generally women would want those three things make sense. And if there's something else, like I.

John [00:48:48]: Said, even though you were like gift giving.

Nicole [00:48:50]: Well, but that's because I'm a man. Right, but. But from a woman's perspective, I think that allow a lot of. I mean, gift giving is a thing that is big for women. Right. Like, you know, I know it's not as much for you, but for a lot of women, that, that is because it's an indication of where you're.

John [00:49:07]: Yeah, but I would tell women too, that again, I'm like the poster child for quality time. That the thing that a man values more though, is his time. Because a man could have money and he could get you gifts and he could still not care. Granted, some of the other things that you talked about definitely does show that he's invested in you.

Nicole [00:49:32]: Yeah.

John [00:49:33]: But I do think quality time is the main one because he can't get that back. He can't make more time. We can't make more time.

Nicole [00:49:40]: Yeah, you can. Yeah.

John [00:49:41]: And he can make more money.

Nicole [00:49:44]: Right.

John [00:49:45]: And he can pay for something and it might not mean anything, but I know quality time was already up there, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. So. But I'm just saying, like, also, don't be dazzled by the gifts because.

Nicole [00:49:55]: No, no, I don't think that's. That's as.

John [00:49:57]: No, I know what you're saying.

Nicole [00:49:59]: Yeah, it can depend. But I'm just saying that those things, you know, if it falls out of the range of those for either a man or woman, there's probably something going on that's causing that because those should be the default. Right. Based on the masculine and the feminine and the feminine.

John [00:50:16]: That makes sense.

Nicole [00:50:17]: So. Yeah. You know, if you had A guy, for example, that was very begun. His love language was gift getting gifts. I don't even know what that. But it seems like that would be a weird thing, don't you think? Like a woman having it. It doesn't seem as weird of a thing. Like you'd be. You'd be worried, is she a gold digger? But. But that doesn't. It doesn't seem out of the ordinary. Right.

John [00:50:39]: Or I would feel like I was going to have to be a sugar mama. If you wanted gifts all the time, I would be the provider in the relationship if that was the case.

Nicole [00:50:48]: Right?

John [00:50:49]: Yeah. I mean, I agree with what you're saying, but again, I know that it still stems from things in the past. So maybe something really traumatizing happened around that. I don't know.

Nicole [00:51:02]: Yeah, but. But I think the other piece of knowledge that you can apply to this, which is like what, what we're saying here. What I'm saying about this is that I'll careful how I word it. But look, if. If a person is saying that their love language is this, but they're feminine or they're masculine, you might want to think about maybe it's actually the things we said. You see, what I'm saying is because sometimes people aren't in tune with. They say they want something, but that's not what they actually want. Or sometimes it's not even is. They're afraid to admit what they actually want because they're embarrassed of it.

John [00:51:46]: Let's use what you even just said. Like you said, gift giving, a man giving a woman a gift is. It's about the investment. And so if you even look at that, it's like, okay, someone's telling you they want gifts, right? But what they really want is the investment is the commitment, right? And so like you said, it's good to kind of look at it and be like, okay, what is the underlying desire here?

Nicole [00:52:12]: Right?

John [00:52:13]: And people should do that with their own love languages too, right? Like, okay, why is acts of service so important to me?

Nicole [00:52:21]: Right.

John [00:52:21]: You know, it makes me feel loved when someone just does something for me and I don't have to ask, it feels like they pay attention to me and care about me.

Nicole [00:52:29]: Right?

John [00:52:30]: And then you understand where the. These sort of feelings and stuff come from. Or like, you know, for a man, like, why physical touch? I think we hit the nail on the head with that. But it's like figuring out why your love language is the way that it is also can heal parts of you too. Like, it's not going to heal where, you know, you don't value that love language anymore. But it is something about understanding why that. That means something to you and being able to also talk about it with your partner so that they understand why. Because if I'm just like, I like quality time, you're like, okay. And you might not know what that really means to me. Right, right, exactly. So figuring out what it really means, and if you're having that conversation with like your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whatever, like you guys are end up talking about it, I would say really dive into the why. Because then they also can be able to support you and make you feel loved.

Nicole [00:53:31]: Yeah.

John [00:53:31]: In the way that you really want and need. And they'll have a bigger picture of it.

Nicole [00:53:38]: Yeah, I agree. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I think it, like I said, I think it's. It's not the best model, but it's. It gives you an idea of what.

John [00:53:50]: Right. You have to do some extra digging.

Nicole [00:53:52]: But yeah, I would be curious. I have to look up the stats to see what percentage of men or women have the different. What. How they rank the. The different love language.

John [00:54:02]: Yeah. Like I said, I feel like If I polled 100 men, 98 would say physical touch as number one.

Nicole [00:54:09]: But some men will say. Will not say physical touc, even if it is because they're not comfortable with their sexuality and so they're embarrassed by it. So they would. They don't want to seem like that would be the thing. You know what I'm saying? So I think you have some of those things going on too, in many cases. That's why I'm saying go with what you know is likely to be the case. Yeah, even. I mean, you. Obviously, you can ask and find out, but yeah, you should also use some, Some outside knowledge to say, okay, well, you know, this is probably going to go over well because again, it's the intent behind it. Right. It's like. Because even with the gift giving, if one's like, okay, gift giving is. Or getting gifts is my. Because it makes me feel like you've invested in me. Well, okay, so then if I have a lot of money and I get you a lot of gifts, I haven't really invested. Right. But if I don't have a lot of money and I get you something expensive, now I've invested. So was it really the gifts or was it that, like you said, the underlying indication of investment, which time is also that. Right. So.

John [00:55:19]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's a lot more complicated and people just take quizzes and I'm People, because I've taken the quizzes, but it's like, you really have to dive into why. And sometimes people don't do that. And it'll help you and it'll help your relationship and your partner. So, you know, figure out why your top one is your top one. And also see where all of them fit in your relationship and how they'll show up. Because like I said, I feel like if you're in a good, healthy relationship, they're all there.

Nicole [00:55:52]: Yeah.

John [00:55:52]: To different degrees.

Nicole [00:55:54]: Yeah. Yeah.

John [00:55:55]: And a lot of times, too, if your top one's getting fulfilled, then you. You don't even think about love languages. Like, I don't think about quality time.

Nicole [00:56:05]: Right.

John [00:56:05]: At all. Because I know I have quality time with you every day.

Nicole [00:56:09]: Yeah.

John [00:56:10]: And so, you know, it's. It's interesting to look at, but. And yeah, for the third time, we need to read the book just to get the. The feel of it.

Nicole [00:56:20]: But yeah, you're more likely to notice it if there's a deficiency. Right? That's.

John [00:56:24]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:24]: That's the, the thing.

John [00:56:26]: But that's also too, why it was important you brought up that don't give the other person your love language. Because so many people, they get messed up with.

Nicole [00:56:36]: That's. That's the biggest lesson from it, because that's where it gets messed up is because you're. And because then that person gets frustrated too, because they're like, I'm doing. You're. I can't please you.

John [00:56:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:56:49]: I'm doing all these things for you that, like, I would love if someone did this for me. Right. And it's like, you're just unpleasable. No matter what, you're ungrateful. Right. And then the person telling you what they actually want, and then.

John [00:57:02]: Right.

Nicole [00:57:02]: You're not listening because you're like, well, that doesn't make sense to me. Right.

John [00:57:05]: But that's also true when you guys talk about it, to dive deeper into it. Right? Because if you're just like, physical touch, yours is physical touch. Physical touch is the last one on mine. Right. Like, it doesn't resonate with me like it does for you, but because you've explained it and, like, how it makes you feel and what it does for you, it's way easier to understand. So that's why I feel like if you're having this conversation about the love languages and things like that, one, you should be having it because you genuinely want to show your partner love in the way that makes them feel the most loved.

Nicole [00:57:43]: Yeah.

John [00:57:44]: And two, that, like, you want to be vulnerable, and you want to have a deeper conversation about it. Like, this is your partner. This is the person that you're dating, you're committed to, you're married to whatever it is. And, you know, you want to make them feel the best that they possibly can. And you want to understand why that physical touch matters so much to them. And, like, what does that give them? Right.

Nicole [00:58:14]: Yeah.

John [00:58:14]: The deeper thing, the vulnerable part. Like, I know last episode we stressed the vulnerable whole topic.

Nicole [00:58:21]: Yeah.

John [00:58:22]: But that is the key. Right. Is to be vulnerable and to talk about the things. That is the real feelings behind the thing.

Nicole [00:58:31]: Yeah. Because what does it mean to you? Yeah. Yeah. What's the thing? Or what's the fear, the worry that you have, the insecurity that you have that this fixes. Right, Right. Because it usually comes down to some kind of insecurity that, you know.

John [00:58:45]: Right.

Nicole [00:58:45]: That this. That's why you feel loved. Because it. The person is. Is making you feel secure.

John [00:58:51]: Right. So in a way that maybe didn't feel safe before. Yeah, that makes sense.

Nicole [00:58:56]: All right, well, I think that's. And until we read the book.

John [00:59:00]: That's true.

Nicole [00:59:02]: Just two people talking about something they know nothing about. No, but.

John [00:59:07]: No, I don't feel like you have to read the book to know. You know, everybody kind of knows. And, you know, people might watch this and get a different perspective.

Nicole [00:59:17]: Yeah.

John [00:59:18]: On it. Maybe the person who wrote the book watches this and they're like, you got some high, high. I'm editing the book now. Or maybe we just summarize the whole book without even reading it. But who knows? We'll find out one of these days when we actually read it.

Nicole [00:59:34]: Yeah. But we have to do an episode where we take the modern psychology and, you know, in relationship therapy and look at it through the masculine, feminine lens. Because I think that really. I think that you can't. You can't really get to the bottom unless you do, because.

John [00:59:54]: Yeah. Get a. You get a better understanding.

Nicole [00:59:57]: Yeah.

John [00:59:58]: Why we're different and why we operate the way that we operate.

Nicole [01:00:01]: Right. Because those are the more fundamental differences then introversion, extroversion. You know, attachment types, love languages, all the different models that we use. I think the more fundamental difference is the masculine or the feminine energy.

John [01:00:20]: Right. I agree.

Nicole [01:00:22]: Yeah.

John [01:00:23]: All right, well, what about our thing for the week?

Nicole [01:00:26]: I don't think we really had anything. We got into a little bit of politics.

John [01:00:33]: Oh, God, I forgot about that. I blocked that out of my memory.

Nicole [01:00:39]: But it didn't turn out bad. I was just marking, like, you know, I was just concerned that my. That the world is. Is doomed. Yeah. Well, will I be able to take care. Will you be able to take care of yourself if something happened to me? And, you know, so. But which I really.

John [01:00:58]: Which you finally got to the actual vulnerability of it. Right. Like, in the beginning, you were kind of, like, poking the bear. You were, like, getting upset with me.

Nicole [01:01:07]: Yeah.

John [01:01:07]: Not like. Like you said, it wasn't, like, a huge thing, but I could tell that you were, like, on the defense.

Nicole [01:01:15]: Yeah, yeah.

John [01:01:16]: And then after we talked more about it, and even, like, then you started saying things that I said that even started the conversation, and I'm like, well, then why are we. Why is there defense when you're saying the same thing that I was saying? And then you finally got to, like, the vulnerable, actual, rooted feeling. Like you said, like, if something happens to me, what's. What's the world gonna look like? What are you and Sophia gonna do? Sort of thing. And so it was nice to see you, actually, in that way, rather than the defensive, because at first I felt like you just wanted to fight with me or argue with me, Right?

Nicole [01:01:54]: Yeah.

John [01:01:55]: And then when you kind of, like, calmed yourself down after we were talking about it, and again, you weren't like, irate or anything, but I'm just saying, like, the defensiveness calmed down. You got to actually, like, open up and talk about your fears or things that were worrying you, and then you felt better after you talked about those things.

Nicole [01:02:15]: Yeah, well, because I hadn't said anything about any of the stuff because I don't want to worry you. You know what I mean? Because, you know, it's. But it's like a burden I carry of, you know, if the hits the fan, I'm prepared. I know it's got to be done. Right. I know. You know, it's like, you know, there's all these things, right, that I think about, so it's like, you know, I haven't really told you about them because.

John [01:02:41]: So you worried yourself because you didn't tell me about them, and then I didn't understand. Which worried you?

Nicole [01:02:46]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John [01:02:47]: Like, which Women do stuff like that all the time. They do the same sort of stuff. It's like, I'm worried about this thing that I didn't even tell you, and I'm worried that I didn't tell you and that you don't know, but I didn't tell you. Yeah, it was one of those things.

Nicole [01:03:01]: But pretty much so.

John [01:03:03]: Yeah. But it was not even, like, a big thing, like, I said that when I say that you were on the defensive. Yeah, it was just a normal conversation. But after our long conversation a few weeks ago, it's like, that was nothing.

Nicole [01:03:21]: Yeah, yeah, but. All right.

John [01:03:24]: Don't talk about politics unless you have to.

Nicole [01:03:27]: Yeah. I mean, it's so stupid today now because politics is just. I was just thinking about this today. I was like, when was the last time that you saw any kind of information that you got today, like, let's say news, right, that didn't already have a pre bias built into it that people weren't like, when was the last time you got a story that was just a story without the opinion attached to the story? Well, it's been 20 years with that. I think it's been 20 years.

John [01:04:02]: It's just getting worse and worse.

Nicole [01:04:04]: So everything we consume has an opinion attached to the facts, which sway the facts. Right. Because as you know, certain guys can use certain facts in one way to, to make it, you know something, when you attach an opinion to the facts. But we just live in a world now where everything. No, no one can escape this. Everyone is susceptible to it. Every piece of information that you're getting, you're getting it attached with an opinion.

John [01:04:34]: Even this piece of information right here.

Nicole [01:04:36]: That influences you, all of it, as opposed to it just being the objective, you know, facts of the truth. So. So a lot of people think that they're getting their information and they got it correct because it's factually correct. But what they don't realize is that they also carried the opinion with them because it was given to them. It wasn't Right. But. Yeah, so it's just. That's why politics is just stupid today.

John [01:05:04]: Is that it's just such a mess these days. It's better not to just talk about it. Like, don't talk about it at all unless you absolutely have to.

Nicole [01:05:13]: Yeah, I think so. This is. Yeah, it's just, it's just a kick. Yeah. Yeah. So.

John [01:05:20]: But you're like, I don't want to worry you. I'm not worried.

Nicole [01:05:23]: I don't even read. I haven't read the news for the last, you know, 10 years maybe. I don't, I don't go to any news site now. Aren't really. I, I hear the news, right? I mean. Yeah, it gets in your face. So. Yeah, well, I don't need to go. I don't need to go and look for it. So.

John [01:05:38]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:05:38]: Yeah. All right, do it. Oh, and I guess we didn't have any new reviews, so. Oh, if you if you want to leave us an itune review, we. We appreciate it, and we'll. It's not itunes anymore. Apple podcasts, whatever it is.

John [01:05:52]: Oh, yeah, Wherever. Everywhere.

Nicole [01:05:55]: Anywhere, you know, but, yeah, that's it.

John [01:05:58]: All right.

Nicole [01:05:58]: All right.

John [01:05:59]: Bye. All right, bye.

Nicole [01:06:02]: Goodbye. Get out of here.

John [01:06:04]: Leave. Swipe away from me through every fault.