John [00:00:00]: The authority in the relationship. The man is protecting something more valuable than himself and he has to see that as more valuable than himself. His family, his wife has to be more valuable to him. The king is disposable. The king is not the important one in the kingdom. The king protects the important one. The king is there as a steward to ensure the welfare of the kingdom. Beyond the perfect, we discover through our flaws. We complete each other. Better than perfect, we stay. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship. So that's right. We're, we're doing some back to backs here and the, you know, not to reveal how the sausage is made.

Nicole [00:00:54]: Yeah, exactly. You know, well, a little too late now.

John [00:00:57]: Yeah, but, but, but, yeah. So I thought for this episode that we would do the topic of a man's authority in a relationship. I think because we had a discussion about this kind of, we talked about a couple episodes earlier about the kind of argument that we had that had to do with this subject. And then I deal with this with guys all the time. And one of my coaching clients, actually, his whole relationship ended because of this issue. And I think there's just a big misunderstanding of not understanding, like, even like, why is this? Why, why does it, why should a man be in charge? Right. Like, I think that's a, it's a valid question. Right. Because for what reason? Like, you know, and I think there's a purpose for this. And so I kind of wanted to just dissect it and talk about like, why that this is important. What does it actually mean?

Nicole [00:01:53]: Right.

John [00:01:53]: And then, and then how should a man, you know, behave in this situation? Right. Being an authority. Right.

Nicole [00:02:01]: Yeah, I think it's important. Women are afraid of it, including me. They're afraid of giving a man all the power and then him abusing it or her.

John [00:02:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:02:15]: And so I think the best thing to help women understand it is something like this and someone like you to explain it to them. And I just want you, when you are explaining it, to keep that in mind. Because I think if you can explain it in a way that where you understand where they're coming from and still give them the information that they need to know about will really help them in this area. Because it's probably really hard in general to find a woman now that isn't afraid of giving a hundred percent authority to a man.

John [00:02:57]: For sure. Yeah. I mean, those are kind of triggering words for, for most people Right. But that's why I don't, I don't shy away from using the word authority, even though some people do, because I think it's important to call it what it is. But yeah, let's walk through it in a way that makes sense where it takes into account women's fears around this, because I agree, because that's the way to approach, shouldn't be heavy handed. And that's the whole thing is it's not like you need to listen to me, you better do what I say type of thing or I'm the man. Right. It's like, and when we were having this discussion about it, I was talking about, it's like you have your sovereignty, like you choose to. You know, a child is in submission to the authority of the parent because they have no choice. Like the parent's the parent, right. Whereas as a man, my wife is in submission to me because she chooses that she has a sovereignty. She doesn't have to be with him, she doesn't have to. There's nothing compelling her. But she chooses to give up that sovereignty in that case because she trusts me to lead. And that's, that's the key difference, I think. And so it's not something that you force someone into that's heavy handed. It's something that, where you as a man can have the standard of like, this is how things should operate. But yeah, so let's start with kind of the whole thing of like, you know, why does anyone even have to be in charge? Right? And I think that's, you know, that one should be a pretty obvious answer, right? It's like if you've ever worked at a place, if you've ever worked at a company, any job that you've had, someone is in charge, right? And why? Because what would happen if no one's in charge, right? If everyone just made exactly. Communal decisions or everyone had to vote on things, you would not actually function like, you would not be successful. And Right. So and I think the same thing is in a family, in a household, in a relationship, is that you do have to have someone who's in charge. You have to have an authority. You have to have someone that the buck stops with and is able to make those decisions. Because especially, hey, if you've got two people in a relationship and you're like, okay, we'll just decide everything by voting. Well, you have one vote each. And then what happens when you're at an impasse? How do you make the decision? At that point, you need a decision maker. Right, yeah. So even when you have a company, right. You know, one of the things that when you do a partnership of 50, 50, the best thing to do is to have it be 49, 49 and then a 2%, right. Or 49.5, 49.5 and you give someone else 1%. So then you have a tiebreaker, someone else that owns like 1% of the company. And when you vote against each other, then you've got someone. So you need to have that in a relationship. So then the question comes is like, so why should the man be the authority? Right? And it really comes down to masculine versus feminine. Right. The idea of making decisions of being dominant are masculine traits. Could a woman do that? Could a woman make those decisions? Women all the time run companies, operate in their masculine, right. You know, we all have a masculine and feminine within all of us. We're not all one thing. So women can choose to operate in their masculine. They can be quite successful at that. But it is not in their nature like, like their, their truest form of their nature. And also, you know, if you want to have a relationship where the man is masculine, the woman is, is feminine, this order makes sense.

Nicole [00:06:32]: Yeah.

John [00:06:33]: Does that so far, does that like, track with like, you know, I mean, take the devil's advocate side of it. I, I guess and, and say, like, check me on it, does that logically make sense? Does it?

Nicole [00:06:45]: No, it does. And I think that, you know, you can't pick and choose what you want because I feel like as women we tend to do that, right. Like we talked about it, where it's like, yeah, lead most of the time, but sometimes don't, you know, and you can't really pick and choose, right. And if you've chosen a husband and a man that you do trust and, you know, you trust his leadership and who he is and he has integrity, right. Then you need to trust that even if you don't agree with it, that one, he will be able to handle whatever repercussions. Like if you are right, like that maybe he shouldn't have done that or something like that, that he will handle the situation.

John [00:07:35]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:37]: And that, you know, like you said before, that sometimes leaders have to make the hard decisions and that he's not doing it just to like defy you or, you know, that he's not listening to you.

John [00:07:54]: Right.

Nicole [00:07:55]: I mean, some men, sure, that can react in a way where women do feel that way. Right? But like, in the sense with you, like, that's not the case.

John [00:08:04]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:04]: You know, like, I know that you hear what I have to say. And so you kind of have to remind yourself of that. As a woman, you can't, like, pick and choose when you want, you know, your man to lead and when you don't.

John [00:08:17]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:18]: And that can be hard, especially as a woman, if you're, you know, used to being on your own and, you know, making your own decisions in life. And even if you're like, okay, yeah, I'll let him handle the finances, blah, blah, blah. Oh, but this, like, no, he can't handle that. Like, you can't cherry pick it even if you want to. You know, you have to relinquish that control. And the man should still value what you have to say. Like he should care about your opinion, but that even if he doesn't agree with you or doesn't end up going with what you think is the right thing to do.

John [00:08:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:08:54]: That he still values you.

John [00:08:56]: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:08:58]: And it's not like an attack on you.

John [00:09:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:01]: Sort of thing.

John [00:09:02]: Yeah. Because it's. Because I think that's it. You know, we'll jump around a little bit. But I think that's an important point is like, of the opinion, like, as a man, you should listen to the opinion, but the opinion, you know, like, if you think about it, do you really want someone leading you who just always does whatever your opinion is? Do you really feel being led, you know, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, what's the purpose of, of a. Essentially a yes man? Yeah, like, that's like, oh, yeah, I'm leading, but I'm 100% influenced by what you think.

Nicole [00:09:38]: Right.

John [00:09:39]: That doesn't, like you're leading. Who, like, who's the guidance? Like, where. Why are you in charge at that point?

Nicole [00:09:44]: Right.

John [00:09:45]: Because you're just doing, you're just executing on the thing that, that I'm actually telling you to do. Like, who's really in charge.

Nicole [00:09:51]: Just a manager, not a leader.

John [00:09:52]: Exactly. Yeah. So in fact, I think, I think actually from, from hearing, like, I'm going to change the order of what I, what I said. I think it's. Maybe we'll actually start off like what. How a man should be in authority and lead. Because I think that's a better order before explaining exactly what authority really means. Right. Is that. And because I think that makes it a little bit more digestible.

Nicole [00:10:17]: Right.

John [00:10:18]: Because it can, it can. It's a hard pill to swallow. Right. For most people because they're not used to this. Right. And so I think the key thing is that a Man's authority comes from wanting to protect and like from a king. Right. A king taking care of his kingdom and the people that are in his kingdom. Right. So it's just like. And how it's approached. Right. So if I have to tell you as a man, if I say, I know that you disagree with me, but I'm going to need you to do this anyway versus I'm the man, you need to do this because I'm in charge.

Nicole [00:11:01]: Right?

John [00:11:02]: Right. It's like huge difference. While that might be true, that's the heavy handed approach, right? And I'm not saying that like it doesn't change the other side of it. Like as a woman, if you are submitting yourself to a man in his leadership that even if he says something the wrong way, that obviously that doesn't change that, but that's not the correct way for a man to lead and to be in authority. And someone who's an authority like that, who's ruling by force and by fear is not going to stay in authority for long. Right. Because also when they make a mistake and you've done it that way, guess what? If I say to you, hey, Nicole, I know you don't agree with me, but I'm gonna need you to do this anyway. And then it turns out that I made a mistake, you're probably gonna have a lot more empathy and mercy for me than if I barked an order at you and then I was wrong. Right? See what I'm saying? It's like, okay, he's the man, he makes mistakes versus the, this guy was so arrogant and tried to boss me around and you do it in a heavy handed way.

Nicole [00:12:10]: Right.

John [00:12:10]: That you know what I'm saying? So, so that's, I think in that. And that's also like it was helpful for the conversation that we had for me to see that I wasn't obviously barking order type of thing, but. But that even just coming at things in an aggressive or combative way was not the best way. Right. It's not like, because there was this balance between. Also like you can't have to convince the people that are subject to your authority to listen to your authority. That's not really authority either. Right. But at the same time you can still change the way that you say the things. That's not you trying to convince them, but is you doing it in a much more. Less heavy handed, a much more respectable way. Right. Than trying to use just force or dominance, you know what I mean? To get things done. Right. Because if you're the authority. You're the authority.

Nicole [00:13:08]: Right, right.

John [00:13:09]: So. So I think that's, that's the key thing. Is that how you approach it as, as a man, like, you know.

Nicole [00:13:15]: Yeah.

John [00:13:16]: And then also just like, where, you know, as a man being the authority. Right. Again, coming back from the very beginning of the conversation of, like, why does someone need to be in charge and why should it be the man? Like, then like, what is your job being the authority? It's not just so that you can be the authority or just because you're.

Nicole [00:13:36]: The man barking out orders.

John [00:13:37]: Your job is for the welfare of the relationship and the family. Like, what is the best. So in your mind, the decisions you have to be making have to be coming from. Not selfish decisions that just benefit you. That's best for you. They have to be the ones that. Where you're putting your wife first and your children, your family, the relationship first.

Nicole [00:14:00]: Can you give an example, you know, of what that might look like? Because I think that would be helpful. Because, yeah, I think people can hear what you're saying and agree, but maybe they don't necessarily know.

John [00:14:16]: Right. So a good one would be. I mean, I can give it on different sides, but let's say that as, as a man, as the authority, you're like, you have to tell your wife, okay, like, you're not going to go out with your single girlfriends and go to the nightclub. I know that you're just dancing, whatever, but it's not appropriate, Right. That as an authority. You're saying that now. Why do you say that? Because you're trying to protect the relationship. Because you realize this is not good, it's not a good environment. That even if she doesn't plan on doing anything bad, that it's a bad environment, it's a bad look for the relationship, it's not a way to protect the relationship. And, and you as a man would hold yourself to higher standard and wouldn't do a similar thing and go with your single friends to a bar where they're hitting on women. Doesn't make sense. Right. So is that.

Nicole [00:15:06]: Yeah, I guess I was thinking more of like family ones because you talked about family. If there was like a family instance, like, I think that one is more like in the beginning of a relationship.

John [00:15:16]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:17]: And I think that's when you're establishing, like, who's the authority, you know, which is the man's authority.

John [00:15:24]: Right.

Nicole [00:15:24]: But do you have one, like in a marriage, like, where you take everybody's into account? Like an example that you could think of.

John [00:15:33]: Yeah. Of like where, where you have to make a difficult decision that people will disagree with, but it's for the welfare of the, of the family. Yeah, it could be something around. I mean, we don't have as much of an issue around this because of. We're in a good financial situation. Like, with what I do, but finances, it could be like, look, okay, we're not going to be able to go on this trip. Right. I know you guys all want to go on this trip, but it's not the right decision and you can be upset about it. But, like, financially, like, this is the decision that I need to make. Right. So, yeah, that'd be one where it's like, hey, maybe even you want to go on the trip. And it's like, you could do the irresponsible thing, but you have to like, say that, no, this is how it's going to be. Right. Or we're going to not spend this money. We're going to budget and this is what it's going to be. Which again, people are going to get upset. Right. But you know, you could be selfish and make decisions that's like, oh, I get to spend this on what I want. But you guys have to write. That would be a misuse of the authority is like, if you're like, I'm going to buy my boat, but you, you guys can't go on vacation. Exactly. Right. That would be a misuse. And, oh, you can't complain about it because I'm the man and I'm the authority, and that's what I said. I'm in charge of this. Right? Yeah, right. Technically that's true. But you're going to have a lot of unhappy subjects in your kingdom if it's like, if they don't feel like, you know, the king's job, you know, the king is disposable, right. The king is not the important one in the. In the kingdom, the king protects the important ones, the people. The kingdom is what's important. Right. The king is there as a steward to protect, to ensure the welfare of the kingdom. But the king himself is not the kingdom. He's not the important one. A good example when we were talking about this is I said, because you were saying something, I forget exactly what it was, but it made me think of this idea that because you're like something around, you know, are you the most valuable or like, you know, it's like you're more important than me or you're like, you know, like, maybe like that authority implies that. And I said that when you have a treasure, right. And you have a guard that's guarding the treasure, and the guard's technically in charge of the treasure, in charge of who goes in and you know, is. Which is the Louvre.

Nicole [00:18:04]: Yeah, Louvre. Is that how you.

John [00:18:06]: The Louvre?

Nicole [00:18:06]: Yeah, the one that got robbed.

John [00:18:09]: Oh, yeah, yeah. But who's more valuable, right? The guard that's protecting the treasure or the treasure. Right. The guard's protecting something more valuable than himself. The king, the authority in their relationship. The authority. The man is protecting something more valuable than himself, and he has to see that as more valuable than himself. His family, his wife has to be more valuable to him. But that's why he has to sometimes make the tough decisions. Right? Can't do what people. Yeah, because, because, because if you just do what everybody wants as the king, as the authority, that's not really authority for two reasons. One, because why are they trusting you if you're just doing what. What everyone else wants? Right. And number two is can you actually count on people to listen to you, to follow your, your, your commands when it's. When they disagree? So then what do you really have? You know, so.

Nicole [00:19:09]: Yeah, that's true.

John [00:19:10]: But. But I think.

Nicole [00:19:11]: Good way to put it, too.

John [00:19:12]: Yeah. And, and I think the other thing about, about a man, like, as far as being an authority, is that he has to be very clear about what it is.

Nicole [00:19:20]: Right.

John [00:19:20]: And I've always said it from the beginning of the relationship, having the captain of the ship talk, where you talk about, hey, look, I'm the captain of the ship. You don't have to be on the ship if you don't want to be on the ship. It's your choice. But I don't have a second captain. Like, I'm always going to be the captain, but I'm a good captain. I take care of my crew first. I go down with the ship. Right. And that's the other piece of this is like the going down with the ship. What does that mean? It means that when you're an authority, you have the responsibility. That means the buck stops with you. That means that, like, you don't get to blame other people when things go wrong. So, like, if you take full authority, you take full responsibility, meaning that if your wife does something, if your family does something, you pay the price for it because it's your lapse in judgment, or you didn't give the training or the instruction, or you made bad choices. Right. That, you know, So I think that's the going down with the ship part, is that you're Absolving other people from the blame. You know, that makes sense. Yeah. Because if you made the decisions, can't.

Nicole [00:20:22]: Have the authority without the full responsibility, honestly.

John [00:20:26]: So which. Which. And that's also kind of weaves into, like, where it goes the other way, which is something that we had discussed too, is that, like, you know, if I have the responsibility for something, which as a man, I think a lot of women would agree, okay, the man's responsible, well, then he must have the authority. Because if you're responsible for the results, but you don't have the authority to make those results happen. Right. For example, let's say that I'm working a job and I'm supposed to be the boss, and, like, the higher ups are going to evaluate me based on the performance of the people that. That I'm supposed to be in charge of. But then they're like, oh, but you can't tell them what to do. Then it's like, how am I going to be responsible for the results of people that I can't tell them what to do?

Nicole [00:21:12]: Right.

John [00:21:12]: You know what I'm saying? So it's the same thing. It's like, if I'm in charge of this house and this relationship and this family, and I'm responsible for the results, but then I can't tell anyone what to do because that's offensive, then how can I be. I can't be responsible.

Nicole [00:21:28]: True.

John [00:21:28]: You know what I mean? So. So that's, I think, an important, you know, point that establishes, like, why, again, why the authority is necessary. Because you can't be held responsible for things that you don't have control over.

Nicole [00:21:40]: No. Yeah. I think you've done a great job with all of your analogies and everything so far. It makes a lot of sense.

John [00:21:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:47]: And I don't think people explain it a lot the way that you're explaining it. And I think it's also hopefully beneficial to men as well, too, because I think men also don't understand authority properly. I think they think, like you said in the beginning, it's very, like, make demands and be kind of aggressive. And that doesn't usually get them what they want a lot of time. It probably gets them more defiance, actually.

John [00:22:12]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:13]: And so, yeah, I think it's beneficial for both men and women to hear you explaining it in this way because it makes a lot of sense and it's the only way for it to, like, really work. Because again, like you said, if you're just barking orders.

John [00:22:28]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:29]: People aren't gonna like that. They're gonna rebel against it, you're gonna have more problems, and then you're gonna have to get more aggressive, and then who knows what that might turn into. And so, you know, and I think too that we also see potentially men putting themselves first, thinking that that's what authority is as well.

John [00:22:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:51]: And that's also scary from like a woman's perspective, you know, to not feel considered or like you're really thought of at all, that it's just someone leading and they're only thinking about themselves and not what happens to the collective whole, just what happens to them. So, yeah, I think you've done a really good job.

John [00:23:09]: So thank you. Yeah. Because I think it's important to understand. And that's the other thing is, like, if you do this work up front of, under. Of under, helping the woman in your life understand why that you need to be the authority and what it means, then you don't have to explain your orders or like when you do give instruction, because it's going to be one or the other. Because every time that you try to say something that needs to be done, you're going to have to explain yourself. Right, Right. Unless you've done this groundwork of explaining why this order, like why it's necessary for this structure to exist and getting the full buy in on that. Because if you're trying to get the buy in on every single thing that you're trying to do. Right. You're not going to be very effective as a leader because you got to convince everyone. Right. And that's not leading, that's not being an authority. It's convincing everyone to follow the commands that you're giving. They should already be bought in on why they're doing this. They signed up for this, you know, but that comes with, with trusting you that you're going to put them first, you know?

Nicole [00:24:15]: Yeah.

John [00:24:16]: So, and that is that like, that Shakespeare quote is like, heavy is the head that wears the crown. Right. It's not because of the jewels in the crown. Right. It's not like you're the king because you have like all of this power. It's because it's the responsibility that, that implies that you are responsible for the, you know, the, the whole family, for the, for the entire kingdom of your kingdom. Right. Okay, so then I think that that pretty much covers like how a man should. Do you feel like there's anything else, like, as far as, like how a man should wield that authority?

Nicole [00:24:51]: No, I think, you know, again, as long as the wife feels considered not Necessarily agreed with, then I think that's as long as that part's there. Because I feel like when that part's also not there, that can lead to, like some hesitation or some issues. Yeah, but like you said, I think you explained it really well of being like, you know, I know you guys want to go on this trip and you've been looking forward to it. That validates that. And then you still have to let them know, you know, but we can't do it right now because of financial reasons. And. But I get that it's probably disappointing, like acknowledging that part of it, you know, or acknowledging that, like, if her opinion is different, to acknowledge it, be like, I hear what you're saying and I understand where you're coming from, but this is the way that we're gonna handle this.

John [00:25:49]: Exactly. Because. Yeah, because like you, you, you know, as my wife would buy into my authority. Like, you're choosing to submit to me, to choose to give your sovereignty to me, to be part of my kingdom. Right. However, if and like at any given time, if I say something and ask you to do something that you don't agree with, you should do it. Right. Obviously you're committed to doing that. However, if I continually did that and continually, you found that it felt like the reason. Like on one occasion, if you feel like you don't know why I'm, like, you feel like I'm doing it for a selfish reason, you're still going to listen. Right. However, if you continually found that every time I was making a decision or telling you something to do, giving instruction, that it felt like I was not looking out for you, but I was looking out for me, like I kept on giving you self, then pretty soon you would choose to take your sovereignty and go somewhere else to take it back and to not submit. Right. Because it's a repeated. But I want to make the distinction between the two because it's like, in any instance, if I'm acting fairly and putting you first and then you happen to disagree with the decision that I'm making and think that it's not in your best interest, that doesn't mean you get to not do it. You know what I'm saying? But if it's a repeated pattern over time and it's clear that all the decisions I'm making are coming from a place where you're not being considered or being put first, then any reasonable person would be like, okay, I'm not going to be part of that kingdom anymore.

Nicole [00:27:30]: Yeah. I think, though, that women don't Want it to get to that point. And I think the thing though, too with it is that, like, I understand what you're saying and I agree that, like, it should be done and then, you know, kind of go from there and see how the other things are handled. But at the same time, a woman doesn't want to feel like she's replaceable.

John [00:27:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:27:52]: Like, that she's just. She doesn't really matter, that she's just a thing to be told what to do. Right. And that sounds really, like, aggressive. And I don't mean it in that way. But when, like, someone just tells you what to do, even if it's, like, a few times, it can start to feel like you're just here to do what you're told and not that you even matter.

John [00:28:22]: Yeah, yeah, well. But what are the ways in which I show you that you matter?

Nicole [00:28:29]: You show me in a lot of ways. And I'm not saying that it invalidates those things.

John [00:28:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:34]: But again, I do think, like, the reason I brought up the example is because I do think when a woman is, especially if she has emotion tied to her opinion, that you should at least try to validate that in some degree. Like, and I mean validate in the sense of, like, even just repeating what she said back to you. Like, if she's like, you know, this upsets me, so we should do this.

John [00:28:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:59]: Just being like, I know that it upsets you, but this is what we have to do because then at least she feels hurt. She at least feels like you are acknowledging her. And I think that that is what I'm trying to say is that as long as it doesn't get to a point where even if you're doing it not in an aggressive way, that she doesn't feel acknowledged.

John [00:29:18]: Right, Exactly. And that's the key is, like. Because what I'm trying to say, like, the deeper thing I'm trying to say is that if the people in your kingdom, as a king, start to feel like you're making the decisions for your benefit and not theirs, then you'll have.

Nicole [00:29:36]: No kingdom to rule over.

John [00:29:38]: Then they're probably not going to want to be part of that kingdom. And so that's the thing is, like, if you're making it clear, just like you said, I think that's a good example of saying, yeah, I understand that you feel that way. However, this is what we're going to do, or, I'm going to need you to do this anyway. You know what I'm saying? And then it's like, okay, I've acknowledged it. But actually listening, like, really listening, and then also really, like, you know, not in every moment do you have the liberty or time to explain. Not that you should have explained every decision otherwise that also is not authority.

Nicole [00:30:07]: Right.

John [00:30:07]: But that when things are looked back on, it's clear as to why you did the things, that the motive behind the things or the decisions was for the benefit of the family or the wife, you know?

Nicole [00:30:20]: Yeah. I think that is important. Like. Like you said, I don't think you have to explain all of them.

John [00:30:25]: Right.

Nicole [00:30:26]: Because I'm sure some of them will explain themselves with the decision. But I think too, just like you were talking about how you're like, I show you all the ways that I care about you. Like, yes, you are the authority and the king, but like, you're like, your people are there to support you.

John [00:30:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:30:49]: And so if you're treating them like they don't really matter.

John [00:30:54]: Right.

Nicole [00:30:54]: Then you will lose that support.

John [00:30:56]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:30:56]: And they do that all the time, but especially when you're having them do something that they don't agree with. And so I think that that should also be acknowledged in a way. I'm not saying you have to be like, thank you for following my lead, or, you know, at. At every time or even at all. But I think that if you come from a place of gratitude for that, though, from that support, and especially support when they don't agree with you, because that's even more support than if they do agree with you.

John [00:31:26]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:27]: Then you will naturally not fall into, you know, making the people that you're having authority over feel like they don't matter.

John [00:31:37]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:31:38]: But you have to come from that place. Like, I mean, I think that even though you're the authority and you might not see it as you should appreciate people doing what you say because you're the authority. I think you should.

John [00:31:48]: You should appreciate. Yeah. Because that. That is how your actual vision comes to life of what you have. It has to be carried out through the people that are in your care.

Nicole [00:32:00]: Right.

John [00:32:00]: You know, so. Yeah. So you should appreciate them and not make them feel replaceable as just someone who just follows the orders. Because that's not. That's also a quality that is admirable, is people who actually do follow what you are saying as an authority. It's not something that's just automatic.

Nicole [00:32:18]: Right.

John [00:32:18]: It's very rare to find people that actually, especially when they disagree, that they have enough loyalty to you as the king to follow you, even when they think differently. So they should be acknowledged and thanked for that. So I agree. But so that kind of segues right into the whole thing of like, what is actual authority. Right. And so the biggest contention with this, I think, you know, that most women that causes kind of the issue is that it is the absolute authority of like, even if you disagree, you still have to do it. That's what real submission to authority is. Right. And I think that's the part that you know that a majority struggle with. Because even if you get this far and you're like, yeah, I agree, the man should be the leader, he should be the authority in the house, you know, I should submit to his authority. The real question comes into play is when you think completely differently than the man and you think he's making a wrong decision. Right. And then you know, you're like, okay, well in this case I'm not going to follow it because it's wrong. Right. And it's like that undermines the full authority. Because what good is authority if the only time that people listen to you is when they agree with you? That's not authority at all. That's just normal human behavior. Like you're just a puppet in that case, because it doesn't matter what you're actually saying. So that's where, you know, as a man too, like I make the biggest judgment is because if, if I'm in charge and someone's listening to me 90% of the time, but 90% of the time they're agreeing with me or mostly agreeing with me. But then the 10% of the time when they really disagree with me that I can't rely on them to carry out my instruction, then I have zero reliance because that's when it's critical, that's when it's the most important usually. So I think that's the key thing, which is I admit that it is a hard thing, thing. But if you trust. But if a man is leading in the way that we talked about and wielding his authority in a not heavy handed way, where he's putting you first, then that's where as a woman you've got to be willing to really, actually truly submit to that authority and saying, look, I trust your judgment over mine and you're not going to be perfect, not going to make all the right decisions. But this principle of giving that power of authority is, is more important than any individual decision.

Nicole [00:34:53]: Yeah, I think one thing we forgot to mention, I guess in the last part was that a man of authority has to be open minded. Like he has to be open to Hearing the perspective and the different perspective and open and changing his mind if it is warranted.

John [00:35:10]: Right.

Nicole [00:35:11]: Like, I'm not saying that it always is or that there needs to be, you know, our conversation to convince the authority to change his mind, but I think that that's very important. And you do do this, right? Like your mind can be changed if we have a conversation about it and you feel like where I'm coming from makes more sense.

John [00:35:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:35:35]: And that I think is important as well too, because I think another dangerous part of what you just said is the men who like, you can't tell them anything.

John [00:35:47]: Right. Because it's ego based, whereas a good king takes wise counsel. Right. So it's like surround yourself with people who you value their opinions so that you can make, ultimately you can't be swayed by them, like by the emotional appeal that people make to you, but you have to listen to them and then ultimately make a judgment call based on that.

Nicole [00:36:11]: Sometimes that's your wife should be exactly like. I'm not saying you have to think your wife is wiser than you or.

John [00:36:17]: But in some, in some ways from like especially a female intuition, Right. How many guys have made missteps because they didn't listen to the intuition of their wife? Especially in business dealings where the wife is like, oh, there's something about this guy I don't like. And the husband's like, oh, no, no, he's good. I like, I checked him out and everything is just kind of dismissive of it. Right. It doesn't mean that you have to like agree with her, but to take it into account and be like, well, why do you feel that?

Nicole [00:36:43]: Yeah, absolutely.

John [00:36:44]: Just this feeling I get. Okay, well, okay, let me look into him further. Right. And, and even if you maybe you looked into him further and you're like, okay, I understand you're suspicious of him, but I did, after you told me that, I checked him further out and I still feel like he's the guy. So. But I appreciate that you see what I'm saying? Then it's acknowledged, right?

Nicole [00:37:05]: Yeah.

John [00:37:05]: No, that's, that's the person that you can trust because you know that they're taking you into account.

Nicole [00:37:10]: Right.

John [00:37:10]: But you know, given that, right, it's like, you know, it's, it's a, it's a, you can't have it both ways. Like, if you're actually going to trust a man and have him be authority and are saying that you're going to do it, then there's going to be times where you're Going to feel, like, scared.

Nicole [00:37:27]: You're going to feel scared?

John [00:37:28]: Yeah. And you're going to feel like he's completely wrong or he's doing it for the wrong reason or whatever. But it doesn't change the fact of, like, those are the most critical times to actually get on board. And it's like what we talked about kind of in the past was this idea of, like, okay, you express your opinion about it or your feelings about it or your dislike of the thing, and then it's taken into account and then the decision's made. And if the decision is made in a way that you don't agree with, now you're on board regardless. Right. And that's important is because as a man, you got to feel like you've got that support when you make a tough decision, that your wife disagrees with that at first she disagreed with it and you had the discussion about it. She expressed her concerns about it. You still made the decision, and now the discussion is done. Part. And now you have to feel like she's 100% on board. Like, yeah, I disagreed with this. I thought we should go a different way. But I trust you and I trust what you're saying. And, you know, and I told you what I felt about it. But now that you've made this decision, I'm 100% backing you in this decision. That's the critical thing. And it's hard stuff to do. I mean, it's hard to be the king. It's hard to be the person listening to the king, to be the wife.

Nicole [00:38:53]: It's hard to back something 100% that you don't believe in. And it's hard to make all the decisions and bear all the responsibilities.

John [00:39:02]: But if you want a real man as a woman and you really want a man to be a man and to lead, you've got to be able to do that for him. Because if you constantly undermine his authority and make him feel like his choices don't matter and his judgment doesn't matter and his leadership doesn't matter, he's going to stop leading, he's going to stop protecting, he's going to stop making those choices.

Nicole [00:39:27]: He'll stop being the man. I don't think he should stop being the man. I think he should leave rather than let somebody affect him, but. Or, you know, something else or have a more serious conversation. I don't know. But I don't think he should just stop. Because then it's like, are you a man under certain conditions?

John [00:39:45]: Right, right. I'm just Saying it's going to discourage that. Like if you want that, you know, a man to step up and be that man.

Nicole [00:39:51]: Right. And you don't want to discourage that as a woman, if that's what you're looking for. And you do want that. Like, I get that you only want it when you agree, but you have to also take it. That's like the cost of it. As well as you have to also do what the man that you trust that you married says.

John [00:40:11]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:11]: Even when you don't agree. But. And maybe you're going to get to this point, but I think it's a good time to bring it up. The caveat is I do feel like both people should apologize and admit when they're wrong.

John [00:40:27]: Of course.

Nicole [00:40:27]: But especially the man.

John [00:40:29]: Especially. Yeah. To take ownership not only for his wrongings. Right. But for failing the wife when she does wrong. Because he's got the responsibility.

Nicole [00:40:42]: Yeah. Well, and I think he should also, like, I'm not saying he has to listen to whatever the wife says because she was right and he was wrong and he has to admit that.

John [00:40:50]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:51]: But I think that he should consider what she has to say maybe in that area since she was right about it a little bit more. And he doesn't have to say that to her.

John [00:41:02]: Right. But exactly.

Nicole [00:41:04]: He needs to kind of show that that happened though, because that also shows that he's open minded and he wants to actually learn and grow rather than, like you said, he' in his ego and he's like gonna make the same mistake again, but then he's probably not gonna apologize the next time because he doesn't want to take a hit to his ego.

John [00:41:23]: Right, exactly. And that's why the crown is heavy. It's because you have to be willing to take the full responsibility. If you want the full authority, you have to take the full responsibility. Which means that when you make the decision and you're advised against it and then you're wrong, that you admit that. That.

Nicole [00:41:38]: But I think some men don't. They try to sweep it under the rug or like, don't bring it up or don't talk about it, you know, like. Or, you know, they act that way because they're embarrassed or shameful or they feel guilty or whatever it is, but that just damages the relationship as well. Because if a woman feels like she's trying to help you by giving her opinion.

John [00:42:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:02]: And then you didn't take it and she ended up being right and then you just kind of attacked her for it.

John [00:42:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:42:09]: Did acknowledge what she's not going to stay in that kingdom very long at all, probably.

John [00:42:14]: Right, right. Because you're not learning from. You can trust a leader who learns from the mistakes that he makes, but one that doesn't learn from them, it's not so good.

Nicole [00:42:24]: Yeah.

John [00:42:24]: Yeah. And that kind of brings also to the whole thing around safety, too, which we talked about, is that, like, the other piece of this is that if you're not respecting the authority of the king, then you also are not getting the protection of the king, because a king can only protect what is in his control. And so it's sort of a. Like, it's something that you choose. Right. Because it's unreasonable to expect that someone can protect you as they should when they don't have the control in order to do so. And so if you choose to not have that, to be part of that authority or to accept that authority, then you cannot demand or expect that level of protection. Right. And I think that's an important concept to understand as well, meaning that, like, you know, if you actively, as a. As a. As a wife, rebel against your husband and rebel against that authority, that you can't. You're kind of on your own when you're doing that. You know what I mean? Like, your consequences are your own.

Nicole [00:43:32]: Yeah. I think. Can you just talk, though, about what we talked about in this conversation? Because what I had said when you said this initially was that I think a man should protect people regardless, and that's what makes a man.

John [00:43:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:46]: And you were like, yeah, I'd protect you from getting hit by a car.

John [00:43:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:50]: But I wouldn't protect you in this other instance. And I think that is important to say, because.

John [00:43:55]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:55]: When people are just hearing you say, if you don't listen to me, you're not protected.

John [00:44:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:44:02]: That does sound like that. You don't. Like, you wouldn't. You're just letting somebody go out on their own. Like, no. If someone. You get jumped, it's on you, like. Or something like that. Like.

John [00:44:12]: Yeah. Let me give you a kind of a good example now that, like, you're bringing that up. So let's suppose that I was in charge of the security. Right. For. Let's say that, like, we were watching Breaking Bad. Right. Okay. And there was, like, you know, when watching Hank got shot or whatever, they thought that they were going to. They're. That they were kind of. Then they. They took all the family and they put them all in the house. Right. And they had the guys guarding. Right. So if the, you know, the. The cops in charge. If they're like, okay, I need you guys to stay in the house and not go outside of the house. Right. And they say, you're not the boss of me. I can go wherever I want. Well, their response is, in order to protect you, I have to be able to give you these orders to tell you what I need you to do and not do. Otherwise, I can't protect you. Because if you go all the way out of here and you're not listening to what I say and then you get shot, it's on you. Right. Like, I'm here to protect you and I will protect you. But the only way I can do that is if you listen to what I'm saying. You see what I'm saying? That's where this comes from. It's not a malicious thing. That's like, oh, if you don't listen to me, I'm not going to protect you. It's like, if you don't listen to what I'm saying, I can't protect you because I can't guarantee. I can only guarantee the things that I have control over. And so if I don't have control over it, if I can't rely on you to listen to what I'm saying, then how can I do the best job possible of protecting you?

Nicole [00:45:52]: Yeah.

John [00:45:52]: You know what I'm saying? Because you're stepping outside of that protection by choice. Just like if in that situation, if the inhabitants of that house step out and they're like, oh, we're just going to go over here and then they get shot or whatever, it's like they're making the choice. It's not like you can't then go out and be like, oh, well, you didn't protect me. Well, it's like, yeah, but I told you what to do. You chose not to do it. And then you got yourself into.

Nicole [00:46:16]: But if they could see it, they would protect.

John [00:46:18]: Yeah, of course they would try.

Nicole [00:46:19]: From a different.

John [00:46:20]: For sure. You're never gonna, like, as a man ever be like, oh, well, yeah, just suffer the consequence of your actions.

Nicole [00:46:25]: Yeah, it kind of sounded like that, though, when you first explained it. And that's why when we had this conversation before, you explained it.

John [00:46:33]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:46:34]: That it didn't mean, you know, just totally out on the open. And your example, the Breaking Bad example was a really good way to put it. And I think that makes a lot more sense because the issue is we can't just be one of those people that says something online, that people can interpret all these different ways because I misinterpreted what you said when we had this conversation until I kept asking you about it. And so that's why I feel like it's important to explain it on here as well, too, because you can't just say those things and expect people to know exactly what you're talking about. The example you gave was really good.

John [00:47:11]: Example because you have to understand why, like, why are these. Why these are principles. And when we were having this discussion, I was like, this is not something I made up. This transcends. This is a laws of nature, right? Because you can understand how that is, is that you can't protect things that you're not able to control. Like, it's just not possible. You know what I mean? At least not to the best of your ability. You can try, but when someone steps outside of that, and there's also this also, like, a choice of, like an act of defiance. Like, if you are telling me that I'm the leader and that I'm the authority, but then you're actively defying me and telling me you're not going to do something or tell me, like, it's like you're choosing to step outside of my kingdom, and so you're not part of my kingdom anymore if you, if you choose to do that. Because it was clear up front that I'm the captain of the ship, that this is the deal that we signed up for is I'm the king of this kingdom and I'm the one who's the authority, and I expect your. Your loyalty, your fealty, because that's what I rely on. You know what I mean? And so if you're not willing to do that and you're like, actively defying that, then it's like you're choosing to step outside of the kingdom and the privileges of being in the kingdom. And it's a good kingdom to be in because, like, in this kingdom, your physical needs are taken care of, your emotional needs are taken care of, your physical safety is taken care of, right? And so it's like at the point where you're actively choosing to not be part of that by defying it, then those things is reasonable that you no longer have access to. You see what I'm saying? Again, not in a punitive way, but just in a way that this is the understanding of it, because we talked about this too. And it's like, well, I'm not necessarily sure I like this way of talking, but it's like. And I told you that, like, there's four aspects of me. Because you're dealing. You're talking to the king now. Right? But there's the king, the magician, the warrior, and the lover, right? And those are different aspects of the. The male psyche that exists. But sometimes there needs to be some king energy that's coming out. You know, lover energy is good. Magician energy is good at a different time. Sometimes there's warrior energy that's more of the, like, intelligence and. And cleverness and playfulness. Right. You know, the lover is more of the passion. Right? And then the warrior is the combat. Like, you know, you need a man to be each of these things, but most importantly, a king. And, you know, when you defy the king, you're going to be dealing with the king.

Nicole [00:49:41]: You're going to be beheaded.

John [00:49:43]: No, but you're going to be dealing with that level because you want to be dealing with, like, do you want to have a king or have someone who's in charge of who. Who doesn't deal with insubordination, you know, like, and just allows it? Because. Yeah, when you're the one being insubordinate, you feel like you do, but you don't like to see other people being insubordinate to the king. And then you're like, okay, well, this guy's not in charge. I don't trust him because he's just letting these people do this stuff. You know what I mean? Like, even as a, you know, like, as a king, like, in the family, like, if I allow my daughter to, like, just do whatever she wants and, like, be defined and there's no consequences for that, you start to say, oh, I don't know, like, it starts to erode your trust in me because you're like, what's going on here? Right? So. But it works both ways, right? Like, as a father, as a parent, if the wife, if she's being defined and the child sees that. Right. It erodes the trust for the child to, you know, to have that authority. To have either authority. Right. When that happens, if, you know, if a child is witnessing a wife being defiant to the father, that child thinks, not only do I have to not listen to him, but I don't have to listen to her either because they're getting a incorrect model of authority. That authority is something that only when you like it. You know what I mean? Huh? Oh, no, I'm good.

Nicole [00:51:14]: Yeah, but.

John [00:51:15]: Yeah, but does that makes sense?

Nicole [00:51:17]: It makes sense.

John [00:51:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:51:19]: I do want to talk, though, about men who might abuse this for control.

John [00:51:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:51:25]: Because I think it'd be unfair to have this conversation and not talk about that. Because sometimes men, if, you know, woman doesn't agree with them or they don't like what someone says, then they'll use their authority as control and abuse that. And again, I get that if a man does that, then it's up to a woman to leave. But that's also something that women are afraid of. And in afraid of men maybe getting the taste of the authority and the power and then abusing that.

John [00:52:03]: Yeah. And I think that those things aren't related, even though they might seem like they're related. Like, so a man that would abuse the authority and the power is not going to do it because you give it to him, he's going to be that way regardless. Right. You see, what I'm saying is it doesn't really correlate, Right. Like the man that you would trust. And that's really the key thing is that I'm not saying that all women should listen to all men. That's not how what I'm saying.

Nicole [00:52:32]: Yeah, I guess that's important to say. But I say that because, you see with like serial killers, right, when they kill for the first time, they do feel that power and it does cause them to kind of keep going and keep murdering people and keep feeling that power. And I'm not, I'm not saying all men are serial killers, but I'm saying that sometimes when men haven't felt like an authority or things like that and then they get a taste of it, then, you know, they get kind of intoxicated on that.

John [00:53:00]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:53:01]: Sort of thing.

John [00:53:02]: And might the whole power corrupts and absolute power absolutely corrupts. Yeah, yeah. And I get that. I think that the big thing is, like I said, it still is a character trait. It's like, you know, I always say that money's a multiplier. Right. It's another like an example. Right. Because some people are like, oh, money corrupts people. Right. I'm just substituting money for power. Right. But money is a multiplier, meaning that if you're a junkie. Right. And they even talked about that in Breaking Bad. Funny. It's like, if I give you this money, you're just going to kill yourself more. Right. Like, it'll be faster. Right. So it's like, probably shouldn't have said that those words, dang, dang it.

Nicole [00:53:38]: Can we bleep it out?

John [00:53:39]: We might need to do that. But just because of those specific words. Right, but, but basically, like, if you're a junkie and you have more money, you're going to OD faster, right? Like, that's what's going to happen to you if you're an evil person, you know, let's say I don't like to use that, you know, but like, if you're a person who's. Who's a fool and you get money, all right, you're going to be worse of one, right? If you're a jerk, like you're mean to people and you get money, you'll be even more of an asshole. You know what I'm saying? But if you're a good man and you have money, then you'll be more of that. Like it's a multiplier. Power is the same way, right? And so if you give someone who has bad character power, it's going to mold. It doesn't make them bad. It makes them more of what they already are, Right? Because it's a multiplier, right? You know, you put someone in charge of two people, you know that, but you put them in charge of an entire army, you're going to see some real bad stuff if they're a bad person, right? But it applies the other way, too. If you have a man who's a good man and you give him that power over you, it's going to multiply and make him better. Like it's going to produce a better outcome, right? Because it's a multiplier. Because it multiplies that effectiveness, right? That's why you want to put someone in charge who, like, let's say you're running a company, right? You want to find the most capable leader to be in charge of that company. Because you take someone who's a really capable leader and you put them in charge of a big company, they're going to be able to produce phenomenal results because it's a multiplier, giving them more power to someone who can be trusted with that power. So. So it's really a matter of like.

Nicole [00:55:28]: The character, the right man.

John [00:55:29]: Right? And that's where. That's why we're doing. What we're doing is a lot of what our message is, is really to men. I mean, it's to women, but it's. It's more so, like, can we help men become the kind of men that can wield this power and, you know, and be that kind of world? Yeah. Because that's what's critical. And so as a woman, you have to be very discerning. And. Okay, I'm not saying that, like, you just start dating a guy and then you're like, okay, you're the man, you're the boss. Like, no, like you should be feminine, but you're not giving that up, your sovereignty right away. You're not just going to do what some yahoo tells you to do. You date, you establish, you see his character. Right. You see how he treats people, how he, you know, handles the sewership he has over the smaller things in his life. Right. And then you decide when you're in a committed relationship with him to, to give him some of that.

Nicole [00:56:26]: Yeah, right.

John [00:56:27]: And then if you marry him, you give him all of it and that's the proper progression.

Nicole [00:56:33]: Yeah, yeah. Because men can be. I'm not saying women can either, but men can be good at hiding.

John [00:56:39]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:56:39]: Their bad sides for a long time. And so I like that you said that. To not give it up 100% until you're married, because I think that's, you know, that's key there because you never know what could pop up before you get married. And I think too, like you said of looking at how he treats other people and how he operates just in general and a bunch of different ways of his life is a good way to kind of get that understanding, even if you haven't seen certain sides of him.

John [00:57:12]: And you want to find out what kind of man a man is, put him in charge. So it's like you've got to, you know, as you're dating and then like, you know, get involved with a man in a serious relationship, start to give him, see what he does. Like there's no harm at this point. You're not bound to him, you're not married to him. Right? Be like, okay, start. Okay, I'll, I'll listen to what you have to say. Like, I'll like, let you make decision, you know what I'm saying? Like, start to give him some of that power, let him feel that he has that power and then see what he does. Because what you don't want to find out is later, like, if someone's trying to hide it, you will out them as soon as you give them power because they won't be able to hide it then. Right. So the worst thing to do is to be like, oh, I don't trust. I'm just going to like, not ever give it up. And then you get married to a man who's a bad man, who's been hiding that. And then he gets power in some other way. He gets money, he gets something else. And then you're like, oh, wow, this guy's actually corrupt, you know, What I'm saying. Whereas it's like, okay, you give him the power ahead of time. You can always bail out of the situation. If you're like, okay, this guy's wielding this power in a nasty way. I don't like it. You're not married to him. Like, break up, get out of the relationship, but start giving that power up earlier on so that you can test and see how someone acts when they have that power before you give up the full power. When you get. Because at the point that you get married, then you should be fully committed and let's make this thing work to the best of our ability, which means, like, having our roles, you know, so.

Nicole [00:58:42]: Or go on a trip with them.

John [00:58:44]: Yeah, yeah. But does that. I think that's the pretty.

Nicole [00:58:49]: Yeah.

John [00:58:49]: The best explanation in. On the Internet of authority and the reason why. Right.

Nicole [00:58:55]: Yeah.

John [00:58:55]: I mean, I feel like it's pretty fair. Right? Like, it. Yeah. Like, I don't feel like it's a slap in the face. Like, oh, I have to do. Like, it's no explanations of why this makes sense. Right? Like, yeah. I mean, you tell me if you disagree, because.

Nicole [00:59:08]: No, I think I gave you all the things and all the, you know, questions that. Or things that women would want more detail on.

John [00:59:17]: So is there any reason why a woman shouldn't be. Wouldn't be on board or shouldn't be on board with this?

Nicole [00:59:23]: Not if she picked the right guy. Like you said. That's. That's what it is, is you got to pick the right guy.

John [00:59:28]: Right. Because it makes sense. That's what I'm saying. It's not like, just like. And that's why I also don't like the biblical authority thing. I know some people that watch us are biblical, and I get that. I understand the Christian theology, but you have to understand, like, all of the arguments I made in this podcast came from a logical place where this makes sense and why. As opposed to God said that man's in charge. Like, okay, if you're religious. I'm not trying to knock religious people. Maybe God did say that, and you believe that, and that's fine. But aside from that, there should be a logical support to this that makes sense, because it's very hard to appeal from authority to authority. Like, you know, if you say, oh, because God said this, well, if other people don't believe in your God or don't believe in your scripture or whatever, then they can just nullify everything you're saying.

Nicole [01:00:18]: Right.

John [01:00:18]: And then be like, oh, you're just a crazy quack. Like, this is super religious. People think that the man's supposed to be in charge and that, like, so it discredits the actual thing, the concept, because you're. You're appealing to that authority. You can be totally religious and totally Christian or whatever it is religion that you're on and believe that God has set things this way and says that this is how it should be, that the man should be the head of the house. And you can believe that, but don't use that as the argument, because if you use that as the argument, you undermine your entire position by anyone that's not part of the church. And even then we read that book, that love and respect book, and a lot of it was appealing to us. Even if you don't like your husband, just submit to him, or if you don't respect him. And it's like, even if you don't love your wife, treat her like you do. It's like, no, this is like, because God said so. I get it. And you can do what God says if you're religious, but have also, like.

Nicole [01:01:13]: It'S not as motivating, right. From that perspective as if you truly understand it from a logical point.

John [01:01:21]: Right. Because if you're. If you're just doing what I say as a man, because not because you have any trust in me, but because God says so.

Nicole [01:01:30]: God is the authority.

John [01:01:32]: And how does it make me feel? It's like, I don't feel like I'm important or. Or that I actually have authority. I feel like it's like, okay, you know, or. Or vice versa. If I'm like, I just love you because God told me to.

Nicole [01:01:45]: Thanks.

John [01:01:45]: It's like, how does it. Does that make you feel cherished and valued as a woman?

Nicole [01:01:49]: The crappy chocolate they give you on Halloween, like, it's like, not the real thing.

John [01:01:55]: Yeah. And so I think this is good too, like, as for men that are listening, because, like I said, I coach a lot of guys, and this is a subject that comes up, the authority thing. And most of the time, women are very opposed to this. And so watch this podcast, listen to it, or even just share it with her if you don't feel like you can repeat the words. But you should know it this well, if you're gonna be a leader and be a king and be an authority, you should know why you're the authority so well that you can explain it. Not that you is just send her the podcast. I mean, maybe that's a start to send her to so that she hears.

Nicole [01:02:31]: Maybe the Start is to memorize what you said in the podcast and say it to her.

John [01:02:35]: Exactly.

Nicole [01:02:36]: Then if she doesn't get it, you.

John [01:02:38]: Watch it a bunch of times so that you understand it as a man so you can teach it.

Nicole [01:02:41]: Right.

John [01:02:42]: You know, I think that's actually. I'll take back what I said before. Don't share her the episode you like. It does no good. If I teach your wife like you teach your wife. Right. By having the real reasons behind this.

Nicole [01:02:53]: Well, by being a good authority, because.

John [01:02:56]: That'S also showing that you're, you know, right.

Nicole [01:02:58]: That you're learning and you're, you know, you want to teach her.

John [01:03:02]: Right. And it shows your motives. Because if you can rationally explain why that you should be in charge and it makes sense and. And why she should trust you, then that means that you actually should. But if you can't, then, like, why are you, you know, like, if you don't have a good reason for it, it's just because, you know, John on. On Better Than Perfect podcast said so, and he explained it then. I don't think that's good enough.

Nicole [01:03:27]: That's true.

John [01:03:29]: So cool. Anything else to add?

Nicole [01:03:32]: No.

John [01:03:33]: All right. And we don't have any other things to.

Nicole [01:03:36]: Don't jinx us again.

John [01:03:37]: I mean, we talked about. I guess we could say, like, we. Like that was kind of part of the inspiration for this, is that we had this conversation about some of the things and, you know, and after we had that conversation, I refined it more in my mind for this podcast. So.

Nicole [01:03:53]: Yeah, no, it's very beneficial.

John [01:03:55]: Yeah. Cool. All right, well, if you have a question for us and you need some help with something, you can email us at betterthan perfectpodcast gmail.com or visit the website better than perfectpod.com and we'll see you next week.