John [00:00:00]: Thing. And culturally, a lot of times it is where it's like, oh, she's doing a favor for him by having sex with him. Instead of thinking, I need to do this just because I want my partner to be happy. Get yourself in the mood or be receptive to being seduced. If it's like an obligation, then it's going to become a chore. First of all, guys, that's not a good way to look at yourself. Like, you should be thinking, I'm doing her, you know? No, you shouldn't think it that way either.

Nicole [00:00:21]: They should be trying, like, beyond the perfect.

John [00:00:24]: We discover through our flaws we complete each other. Better than perfect Perfect. We stay through every fault we find our way. All right, welcome back to the better than perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other equals one helping each other grow.

Nicole [00:00:52]: I was like, is he gonna say it?

John [00:00:55]: Maybe we should cut the grow out. Equals one better than perfect relationship. We got an award for it.

Nicole [00:01:02]: Then I was like, did he do it on purpose?

John [00:01:07]: Next time, I will get it. The girl. So, yeah, welcome back. All right.

Nicole [00:01:12]: So, well, yeah, welcome back. Yeah, we're still here.

John [00:01:16]: Yeah. For us, it's the second episode because we gotta get our queue lined up. But you could pretend like this is a new week for. It's a new week for you. So you can pretend like it's a new week for us.

Nicole [00:01:25]: There you go.

John [00:01:26]: Yeah. So not a lot happened that in the five minutes.

Nicole [00:01:30]: Well, we had a very, like.

John [00:01:32]: Oh, yeah, we did have a conversation about.

Nicole [00:01:35]: With Rodrigo.

John [00:01:36]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:01:36]: Which maybe Rodrigo needs to be our, like, first guest.

John [00:01:39]: Yeah. Yeah, we should do, like.

Nicole [00:01:41]: Yeah, but because it was good. We were like, we should have turned the camera on.

John [00:01:45]: Yeah, I know. We were talking about confidence and getting out of your comfort zone and how the exercises that you can do that would do that. Which is good. I mean, for. Especially for guys listening. I was talking about how, like, doing pickup even, you know, even though it gets a bad rap, that it's a huge benefit for men in terms of personal development.

Nicole [00:02:07]: Not because building their confidence.

John [00:02:08]: Right. Because it forces you to be uncomfortable. And that will make it so that you have a wider bubble of comfort.

Nicole [00:02:18]: And also probably helps men be more comfortable with rejection.

John [00:02:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:02:22]: Because it's very scary when a man hasn't dealt with that in a large capacity, and they can get very violent and, like, you know, scary when that happens.

John [00:02:35]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:02:35]: Because if the more. And you do it, you know, more you go up to women, be like, hey, like, talk to them. The less that a rejection is going to hurt you because, you know, you have the skill set to talk to women and.

John [00:02:46]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:02:47]: Go meet someone else if it doesn't work out with the one that you talk to.

John [00:02:50]: Yeah, yeah. And it just. It affects all of your life. I mean, if we could roll the clip of my old YouTube videos and my voice was different. I mean, we talked about. It's like I try to emulate it.

Nicole [00:03:03]: It's nasally.

John [00:03:04]: It's nasal. Hey, it's not quite that bad, is it?

Nicole [00:03:08]: No, it's not that bad.

John [00:03:09]: Hey, this is John Samas from simpleprogrammer.com and today I want to talk to you about relationships.

Nicole [00:03:17]: Relationships, I don't know.

John [00:03:19]: But. But I speak from the chest now.

Nicole [00:03:24]: Right.

John [00:03:24]: But it wasn't necessarily a conscious thing. It was because I was constricted. And once I got that freedom because I was going out there and putting myself in these difficult situations, I. It released that. So it allowed me to be right, you know, who I am. Exactly. Yeah. So. But. But it's crazy. It definitely does make a huge difference on. And people pick up on it and they know it too. Right. That's why also, it's like a guy that's confident because he is not afraid to talk to women or he's done that.

Nicole [00:03:59]: They have different body language. And the same with women, too. I mean, like, you know, it is more for men, I feel like, because they do have to approach the women. And so I get that confidence is more of a thing. But even with women, I feel like you can tell if a woman is insecure about either how she looks or whatever versus how a woman who's confident carries herself.

John [00:04:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:22]: It's all. It shows in how you carry yourself.

John [00:04:24]: And the only way to accomplish that.

Nicole [00:04:28]: Is through the doing the hard stuff. You cannot think in embarrassing situations where you get to a point where you're like, okay, this is, you know, I've felt this and I survived it. It's not that bad.

John [00:04:42]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:42]: You know, so.

John [00:04:43]: But you have to put yourself in the situation. If you don't put yourself into it, if you're involuntarily thrust into it, you don't get as much benefit that you can still. In fact, it can cause you to develop a phobia because you're afraid of. Just like when you're a kid and.

Nicole [00:04:57]: You'Re parent throw you into the pool, you know? You know, like you can either allow it to or you can own it.

John [00:05:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:03]: You know, and that's your choice.

John [00:05:05]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:05]: Because. But you're right. If you put yourself in the situation, you're controlling it.

John [00:05:09]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:09]: Another thing's something you can't control. But even if it's something you can't control, you have the opportunity to either internalize it and make you afraid.

John [00:05:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:05:20]: Or own it and then allow it to give you more confidence. Because you're like, look, I already did that. You know, like, that's why, like, people will be like, oh. Like, even now when I go to, like, a dance class, people will be like, oh, well, if I just assume I'm going to mess up. A lot of times when I record the dance, I don't mess up because I already assumed that I did. I already felt that feeling. Like, you know, they mentally can put themselves into, like, okay, well, I'm feeling like I. If I mess up, it's whatever, it's fine. I'm not. It's not gonna rattle me. So then they actually calm their anxiety because they've already mentally put themselves in the position of messing up. So if they go and mess up, they're okay because they mentally told them, they're like, it'll be fine.

John [00:06:02]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:06:02]: If that happens. And then a lot of times, though, it doesn't happen. And then they're like, oh, that's great. Like, I was already preparing for this to happen.

John [00:06:09]: Yeah. It's a lot like the concept of learned helplessness, too. Right. Because that's why if, you know that experiment with the dogs and the electric.

Nicole [00:06:17]: Right, right.

John [00:06:18]: So if you're not familiar with it, there's. I won't go through the whole thing because. But essentially, if the dogs were shocked without having any control, they couldn't get out of the shock. They learned helplessness and they just allow themselves to be shocked to death. Or I guess it wasn't to death.

Nicole [00:06:34]: Not to death, but they would have.

John [00:06:37]: But if they had some kind of control over it then. And so it's the same thing, is if things happen to you, then you sort of can develop a learned helplessness. But if you go out and meet the thing, then you start to develop your sense of sovereignty that you have control over your life and circumstances. But actually, there was one other thing I was thinking of that is one little hack that we hadn't talked about, and this is a good one for guys. One way that I used to use to get over nervousness or this problem of being in this uncomfortable situation, especially if you're going out and talking to girls, is that you can vocalize what is happening internally and then you no Longer feel it. Right. So if I'm afraid to talk to you and I go up to you and I start talking to you, but I'm nervous. If I don't say that I'm nervous, you will know that I'm nervous because I'm shaky. My voice is me. Right. I'm trying to pretend to not be nervous, but if I simply say to you, I'm so nervous right now, I'm so nervous, all of a sudden. Now that nervousness dissipates. It might not 100% dissipate.

Nicole [00:07:52]: Because you owned up to it.

John [00:07:53]: Yeah, because I'm not trying to hide the thing. I've expressed the thing. When you're embarrassed, if you say, oh, that's embarrassing. Right. A lot of times we hide the thing, but if we just give the internal monologue outwardly, then it's a huge hack for getting through those situations.

Nicole [00:08:10]: Right. You're owning it. You're owning up to it. That makes sense.

John [00:08:14]: All right, so we have today, our.

Nicole [00:08:17]: Topic is the book we've been talking about on quite a few episodes, Love.

John [00:08:22]: And respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich's egg. Rich's Eggerich. But, yeah, we've been talking about this for a while. We finally finished going through the entire book.

Nicole [00:08:36]: Yeah.

John [00:08:37]: And I think it's a mixed. Mixed bag in terms of. I think we needed to do this because we talked about it and we don't want to give a wrong impression and, like, say, oh, yeah, we agree with that.

Nicole [00:08:48]: We know King's gonna read it. He said multiple times he's reading it. So, King, this is also for you because we recommended it and then you said you were gonna read it. And now we need to explain ourselves.

John [00:09:00]: But, yeah, I'll let you start. What are your thoughts overall on the book?

Nicole [00:09:05]: I liked the book. The concept of the book, I liked. However, I think people who read the book and don't kind of focus strictly on the concept might be a little confused or not get the full message of what he's trying to say. Yeah, that. Well, that we agreed is the full message. Right. Because the concept of Love and Respect and the little, like, acronym things that he uses are good.

John [00:09:41]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:42]: And that's the core of the book. And he talks about this thing called the Crazy Cycle, which we'll have to talk about. It makes sense, like, those aspects. And we're not very religious, but I can still objectively read the religiousness of it and understand it, but some of the religious stuff just did not make sense. And I thought. And you I know you agree, too. Could be almost harmful for the ways that it's applied. So that's why we wanted to talk about it, because it's a lot to it rather than just the concept, which was good. But some of the reasoning behind the things that he talks about, his reasoning is concerning.

John [00:10:32]: So, and caveat here for this book, it's highly religious. It's written by a pastor who. This is his ministry. So Christian theology. Again, nothing wrong with Christian theology if you're a Christian. We're not going to knock your religion. That's not the point of it. But we will say some things that I think are important to understand why you do things. And if you're doing some of the love and respect things just because God told you to. Right. Then it diminishes the value of it to your partner.

Nicole [00:11:11]: Right.

John [00:11:11]: Because you're just doing it because you're supposed to do it as opposed to.

Nicole [00:11:13]: Well, and the intent behind it. Like the reasoning of why you should be doing this. Because I don't feel like it should be attached to anything but the love and respect you have for your partner.

John [00:11:25]: Right, exactly. And that's the biggest, I think, issue that I have with the book. And like I said, if you do read this book, just know that it is going to have a lot of scripture in it. A lot. And a lot of the basis of this scripturally is a bit flimsy, I would say, because he's got one passage in Ephesians that he uses to mostly do this. But that doesn't take away from the concept, I think the concept of love and respect. And just to give. What is the concept of love and respect? It's essentially this. It is that what women need most from their partner is unconditional love. And what men need most from their partner is unconditional respect. And unconditional respect. Is the new kid in the. In the playground scene, right? Yeah. Because that's not something that you've really probably ever heard of.

Nicole [00:12:19]: Yeah.

John [00:12:20]: And it seems weird at first. Like, that's not the. But what it comes down to is the fact that what really is valuable to a woman is love is feeling loved. And what's really valuable to a man is feeling respect. Not that both don't want both because men want to be respected and they involve both. Right.

Nicole [00:12:38]: Honestly. But it's just like what you said is that the forefront for women is love and the forefront for men is respect. But there is love in respect and there is respect in love.

John [00:12:49]: Right.

Nicole [00:12:50]: But it's just the balance of it. Just like men and women have feminine and masculine energies, it's. They have, they're together.

John [00:13:01]: Right.

Nicole [00:13:01]: But it's the balance of it. Men want the respect more so to stand out than the love, and women want the love more so than, like, I'm not saying they don't want respect. I'm not saying disrespect them. But normally when you're acting from a place of love, you are giving respect, and if you're acting from a place of respect, you are giving love.

John [00:13:20]: Exactly. Yeah. It's just which one is the more important need at that person. If you ask a man what is he lacking or, you know, if he, if he has a complaint about his partner, it's probably going to be, she doesn't respect me in some form of way, that's going to be the thing that is getting him upset. And if you ask a woman what is the thing that's upsetting you about your partner, it's like, he doesn't love me. He doesn't show me that. You know, and, and, and he says in the book also that women typically show a lot of love. They, they, they never. A man never questions, does she love me? He knows that she loves. Right. But women often question, does he actually love me? Does he love me as much as I love him? Right. Those are, you know, and, and then on the other side, the respect thing, women don't usually wonder, I mean, I.

Nicole [00:14:08]: Was going to say, do men really show women a ton of respect, though? Because when they're with her, maybe, but not, well, not outside of that, as we've seen with some of these guys.

John [00:14:21]: But, but they typically will say things or have a conversation or let's say where it really comes down to is when you're having a fight, when you're having an argument. And this is where that crazy cycle that he calls it comes into play, which is the woman doesn't feel loved, so she acts in a disrespectful way. The man doesn't feel respected, so he acts in an unloving way. And the way that you see this is that women will typically, in an argument, be critical. Right. Say things that are somewhat harsh, and men will tend to stonewall or withdraw, which is an unloving thing. Right. And so it's like, because it's fueling this cycle, and I think this is the truest thing about this book, is because everyone can recognize when they've been on this crazy cycle where, you know, the woman's. She's not Feeling love, the man's not feeling respected. And those things fuel each other.

Nicole [00:15:20]: Yeah, exactly.

John [00:15:21]: Because the more that you're not making me feel respected, the more that I'm withdrawing. And the more that I'm withdrawing, the more that you're getting upset and feeling.

Nicole [00:15:29]: Unloved and then being more disrespectful. Yeah, yeah.

John [00:15:32]: So just understanding that concept alone probably save your marriage. Right, right. Like, that's. If you just get that.

Nicole [00:15:39]: Yeah, the concept is really good.

John [00:15:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:15:42]: It's just the rest of the stuff that is murky. Well, like, we understand it, but where other people might get the wrong idea of why they should be doing this, and that's why we wanted to do an episode on this is because the way that he explains why you should do it, granted it's from a religious aspect, it still doesn't put the value in doing it for your partner because you love them and you respect them and you want to be with them, and this is the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with and that you want to honor that commitment. It's more so in his theory, from a Place of God told you to do this, so you should do this regardless of what happens. Which also is controversial, that there were some passages in the book where he's like, oh, if your husband, you know, is. Granted, he did say if he's abusive to not deal with that sort of thing, but there were still some examples that seemed borderline abusive, that he was like, still respect him anyway. Which is, as a woman, hard to, like, read.

John [00:16:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:16:57]: You know, and think about. Because that can be a very, like, dangerous situation for a woman to be in. And even if she is respecting him and he continues to do it, that could be, you know, it's not going to fix everything. It might. The way he's saying it might. But also at that point, like, if you're being abused.

John [00:17:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:17:20]: It's really hard to respect somebody who's doing that to you.

John [00:17:24]: Yeah, for sure.

Nicole [00:17:25]: So, yeah.

John [00:17:27]: So there's some complications around that. I think it's worth talking about the respect thing before we get into some of that, because one, it's a very confusing topic, especially this idea of unconditional respect. And then also a lot of people got upset about some of the things you said about respect too, which. Which I've got some statements about that. But the idea of unconditional respect is this idea that you respect, let's say, for a woman, respect a man because he's your husband, because you chose him and he doesn't have to earn that respect. He just gets that respect. Just like you as a woman don't feel like you have to earn your love. Like, that would be weird if he was like, okay, well, I don't love you today because you didn't earn it. Like, you got to earn this love. So that's the kind of idea behind it, is that respect should also be unconditional, which, again, it seems like a very crazy concept until you really think about it and what I would say about it, honestly, because we were talking about this earlier because a lot of people got upset when you said that women need to respect their husbands. And if you chose him and you don't respect him, that's on you.

Nicole [00:18:40]: Like, you're, you know, you don't respect your own judgment.

John [00:18:43]: Yeah. And. And they're like. A lot of people commented, Even men commented, respect has to be earned.

Nicole [00:18:50]: Right.

John [00:18:50]: And I've dealt with this a lot. I gave this whole speech about this at one point at a convention I was at. And my stance on it is that respect does not have to be earned, not by anybody. That you, as a decent human being should just respect everybody by default. And you should only respect people and not ever even take away the respect from people. You should take yourself away from the people.

Nicole [00:19:17]: So boundaries.

John [00:19:18]: I'm never going to allow someone, as far as it's within my control, to make me into a person that disrespects people, no matter how they treat me, if they can. They can be disrespectful to me all they want, but I'm not going to respond to them in a disrespectful way. I'm still going to pay them respect, treat them in a respectful way. But I may also excuse myself from their life or excuse them from my life. I'm not going to deal with them. I'll cut them out. I have boundaries. But there's no reason why that you should ever be disrespectful to anyone. It doesn't make sense as a concept. There's no justification to treat someone in a disrespectful way. So I think to me, that kind of clears up the whole thing, is because, yeah, you should just be respectful, period. Not because someone earned it or they have to prove something. And like I said, no one likes to have to. Especially in a marriage where you're supposed to be one and you're supposed to unconditionally love each other. You expect that you don't have to do something in order. And a Lot of people have. The whole issue that they have psychologically is that they feel like they have to do something to be good enough and you don't want to.

Nicole [00:20:28]: Well, that comes from a lot of reasons. But yeah, and I agree with what you're saying. I think you should respect people. And like you said, even if they lose your respect, that doesn't mean you have to ask, act disrespectful.

John [00:20:43]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:43]: That just means removing yourself from that person.

John [00:20:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:48]: Same with, like, trust, because people also say trust is earned and things like that.

John [00:20:53]: Right.

Nicole [00:20:54]: But really, you should trust people until they give you a reason not to. Until they do something. They lied to you or something like that.

John [00:21:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:01]: And then again, you don't lie to them or try to get even. You just either don't continue to have a relationship with them or don't tell them things that they lied about or whatever you choose to do. But like you said, you don't allow it to have people put you down on a lower level. You should still maintain your morals and how you. Your standards and how you operate.

John [00:21:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:21:31]: Regardless of what other people do. And like you said, like, you wouldn't meet somebody for the first time and be like, like, sizing them up. Be like, okay, well, what are. Let's see what they do so I can respect them, right?

John [00:21:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:43]: Like, you're not, like, waiting for the thing or like, tell them, hey, go do this so I can respect you or something like that. Like, yeah, you know, every. And we're all human, we make mistakes. And, you know, like I mentioned before and some of the other things that a lot of times women stop respecting their husband not because they've even done something disrespectful.

John [00:22:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:07]: It's usually because he stopped showing her love like this book talks about. Right?

John [00:22:14]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:22:15]: Like, everybody makes mistakes. Because if women are trying to say, oh, well, I lost respect for him because he did something for me, to lose respect. You've never done anything to lose respect. Or you've never yelled at him and he took away the love for you. Like, you can't do that to another person. Right. Like, you can't have somebody make a mistake, your husband make a mistake, and then be like, oh, well, now I don't respect you.

John [00:22:40]: Right.

Nicole [00:22:40]: And take it away.

John [00:22:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:42]: Whereas he could be like, oh, well, remember that time you told me you hated my guts? Well, now I don't love you anymore. Like, that would never be acceptable behavior. I can see where it all goes astray, like you said on the crazy cycle. Because you know, she's not feeling loved, so she's disrespectful, says disrespectful things, and he's feeling disrespected, so he's being unloving. I can totally see where that comes into play. But nowhere, especially if you're married, does taking these things away as, like, a punishment bring you closer together.

John [00:23:18]: Exactly. Yeah. It's not a motivator, and it's. It will separate you further. And that's where it builds that bitterness and the resentment. And I was talking about that. I think I talked about this on one of our episodes too, but I think it's worth repeating is I compare it to tooth decay. Right. That's how. Because people are always like, how does the honeymoon phase end? I'll tell you exactly how it ends. The same way your teeth rot, which is that what ends up happening is that you have arguments, you have fights, you have these disagreements, and it's like plaque building up on your teeth. And if you don't clean that plaque off of your relationship, off your teeth, go to the dentist, brush your teeth, whatever, what's gonna happen is that it's gonna end up developing tooth decay. And so that plaque in a relationship looks like bitterness, it looks like resentment. It becomes resentment. And then that creates a wedge between you. And so the more that a woman feels like she's been mistreated, she hasn't been loved or accepted for who she is, that's unconditional love is accepting someone for who they are. Right. The more that she starts to build up that resentment, that plaque. And then she's disrespecting the man because she doesn't feel loved. And so he starts to build up that resentment, and he's like, she's always saying stuff to me that is so disrespectful or acting in a disrespectful way. And they both. They may be being cordial to each other, but just like in your teeth, where the cavity. You need to do the X ray to see it because it's actually rotting underneath the enamel. Like, there is. There's a rot underneath there. The same thing happens in relationship. Underneath all that, you got rot. Your teeth are rotting out.

Nicole [00:24:56]: Can you tell that John's gone to the dentist recently? It's like the X ray shows under the enamel, but. But that's what. You're right.

John [00:25:04]: Happens. And it comes from a lack of love and respect, of not respecting those things.

Nicole [00:25:08]: So. Right.

John [00:25:09]: Well.

Nicole [00:25:09]: And the people got mad because, like you said. I said you should respect your husband and. Or the man that you're with. And they're like, oh, well, just because he's a man, I should respect him. You should. Like we talked about, you should respect a human being regardless of it's a man or woman, regardless. And even if they do something disrespectful.

John [00:25:28]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:25:29]: You should still act respectful.

John [00:25:31]: Right.

Nicole [00:25:31]: And have boundaries and separate yourself if that's what you choose to do. And what I also mentioned in one of the other videos that I did off of that video was that if you do. If you meet a man and he does something and you lost respect and, you know, you don't trust him anymore or whatever.

John [00:25:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:25:52]: You should not marry him. You should not continue the relationship. It's your responsibility if you no longer respect the man you're with.

John [00:26:00]: Right.

Nicole [00:26:00]: To leave. I'm not saying that if you're married, because the thing is, that is a whole nother can of worms involving commitment and, you know, getting back to where you were because obviously you respected him to get married with him. I'm saying if you're. You're dating and you lost respect for this guy and you just can't get it back no matter what or whatever, don't marry him.

John [00:26:26]: Yeah. And I got to read, actually something on the TikTok comment, because this one, it was just. It was really interesting. I thought, oh, I got your phone.

Nicole [00:26:37]: But I also said, which, if you are married and you disrespect or like, you don't have respect for your husband, then you need to try everything you can to gain that respect back and figure it out. And there's another book that I'm sure we'll do a whole nother episode on called the Surrendered Wife, which I recommended, and it's written by a feminist woman on how to kind of give up the control that a lot. A lot of women take over when they don't respect their husbands in their relationship and give that back to him, and then by him taking that over and showing that he can handle these things and do these things that you were kind of taking over and hogging and micromanaging or whatever, and being the more masculine one, allowing him to take those over again, then you gain respect back for your husband.

John [00:27:31]: Right, Exactly.

Nicole [00:27:32]: And you realize that you had more involvement in losing the respect from him than you even realized that you had. Because a lot. That's what women don't realize, too, is a lot of times you are part of the reason you lost respect for him.

John [00:27:49]: Right. Well.

Nicole [00:27:50]: And they'll be mad about that too, but.

John [00:27:52]: Yeah, I know, but it's like if.

Nicole [00:27:54]: You are emotionally reactive and are the type of woman where you just do whatever you want and say whatever you want when you're upset, but then expect all the things that you said to not mean anything when you guys make up, that's not okay. And a man's still gonna feel disrespected even if you make up, because that hurts.

John [00:28:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:16]: Regardless of who you are, it hurts to hear your partner, the person you love, the person you marry.

John [00:28:21]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:28:22]: Say mean and hurtful and disrespectful things to you and then try to also be like, well, I was upset, it didn't matter.

John [00:28:30]: Right, exactly. Or just ignore it and just blow it over, like sweep it under the rug.

Nicole [00:28:34]: Right, exactly. Or never acknowledge it.

John [00:28:36]: In fact, there was a great example in this book, one of the best examples in the book. I think it was in the. Yeah, it was in this book where he was talking about this woman who she went to go visit her husband at work and she didn't really respect him. And then she sees him, she has to wait to get in. Cause he's an important guy at this job that he's at. And she sees he's got this young, attractive secretary. And not that, that, but that this woman respects him, thinks he's the boss. He's got all these older guys that are older than him that are coming up to him and treating him like the boss, respecting him like he's an authority. And you know, and she was like, you know, I guess she went to her car and cried or whatever because she was like, she was realizing that at home she's treating him like a little kid, she's disrespecting him. And here, like in the rest of the world, this man is a well respected man. Like he's a competent guy. And so the problem was not him, it was her view. She decided to view him that way.

Nicole [00:29:39]: Right. Because she thought she lost the respect for him and that, you know, he did something to lose it and so she treated him that way.

John [00:29:47]: Right.

Nicole [00:29:47]: But then she got to see that there are people who respect him. Yeah, right. And treat him right with respect and.

John [00:29:55]: And I think not to justify affairs or whatnot because. And he was talking about that too. But I think there are a lot of guys can relate to feeling like, what the heck in the rest of the world. People respect me, people value me, I make money, I do these things. Like I'm treated like a decent human being and a respectful person, I'm competent. But then I go home and where I'm supposed to be respected the most, where I'm my partner, she thinks she treats me like a kid. She. She treats me like I'm a joke. You know what I mean? Like, that's so insulting. And that's why a lot of guys are, like, they get drawn in by.

Nicole [00:30:32]: Someone because there's, like, justification.

John [00:30:34]: Not justification. I'm just saying. Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:36]: It's not a secret that that is why a lot of men cheat. And they cheat with a woman, and a lot of times they cheat with a woman that's lesser than the woman that he was with. But it's strictly because a lot of the times that she respects him.

John [00:30:51]: Right. And we. And we could go the other way.

Nicole [00:30:53]: I've been cheated on by a man. I didn't respect the man that I was with that cheated on me. And I'm sure that the person he cheated on respected him more than I did.

John [00:31:02]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:03]: But it's like, you know, and so I can see the point of view.

John [00:31:07]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:08]: Like, it's not okay. No. Like. And I didn't intentionally disrespect him. He wasn't stepping up to be the man that I needed. And so I had to be the man. So that made me lose some respect for him, obviously. And sometimes, like we're going to talk about in the book and we've talked about a little bit, is that you're just not allowing him to be the man.

John [00:31:26]: Right, Exactly.

Nicole [00:31:27]: But sometimes he just cannot be the man that you need to be. And that's why I said, if you don't respect this man. And I should have left even before he cheated on me because I did not respect him.

John [00:31:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:31:39]: And so that's why I'm saying that if you're in a position where you're dating and you don't respect the man you're with, Right. For whatever reason, like, it's not going to be fixed. Like I said, did I know back then that I should have given him responsibilities and see what he did with it? I didn't know that I should have done that. But also, at the same time, from the perspective of me knowing that situation, I genuinely don't think he could have ever been the man that I needed as a woman.

John [00:32:06]: Right.

Nicole [00:32:06]: He obviously was the man that that woman needed because he ended up being with the woman he cheated on me with. But I know what you're saying had to have been true because I didn't respect him.

John [00:32:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:32:19]: And so he obviously had to go try to find somebody that respected him more than I did.

John [00:32:25]: Yeah. And likewise, when women cheat, almost always the number one reason women cite is that their emotional needs weren't being met. And a lot of guys are like, oh, that's an excuse that women use. Okay, I get it. But you could say the same thing about the excuse that men use. But, but the point is, is that she felt unloved.

Nicole [00:32:43]: Right.

John [00:32:44]: She. She found, she finds a guy that starts romancing her and treating her like a woman and, and making her feel these feelings she didn't feel before because now she feels like she's beautiful and she's worthy and she's got some guys attention and that's how she gets drawn in.

Nicole [00:33:03]: Right, Right. So just saying which, we're not condoning cheating in any capacity. If you don't feel respected and you don't feel loved. To the point if you're going to go cheat, you should leave.

John [00:33:15]: Yeah. Or read this book together. Or read the book together would be good.

Nicole [00:33:19]: Yeah, together. But it is questionable. It does.

John [00:33:21]: Yeah, it does.

Nicole [00:33:23]: It's definitely geared more towards women trying to fix the relationship, which also is another aspect that, you know, you and I have talked about and you feel like it's men's responsibility to lead the relationship in the right way. And I agree. Because you can't be a leader and the authority if you're not taking the responsibility. However, this book, I feel like, definitely paints women as the responsible party to take action first. Which I'm not saying that women shouldn't stop being disrespectful. They should, regardless. Like you said with anybody, everybody deserves respect off the bat. And the second you're disrespectful, you're doing something wrong.

John [00:34:09]: Right, Right.

Nicole [00:34:10]: Even if somebody hurts you, even if something happens, if you stoop to a level where you change your standards of who you are, you're doing something wrong.

John [00:34:20]: And I think you know the reason why. And we talked about this before too, but that Dr. Emerson did this this way, where he put the emphasis more on women was because at least within the church community, the idea of Ephesians, of a man needs to love his wife like Christ loved the church. That's been, that message has been spread far and wide. People understand that. But the respect part has never really been talked about. And so that's why he made the emphasis on that, because he was like, okay, well, I mean, everyone's already heard.

Nicole [00:34:55]: The part of it.

John [00:34:56]: Yeah, but it still is. You know, I still think that it's the Man's response. And also the other thing about it is, who reads these books? Let's be honest. Women read these books. Men don't read these books, Right?

Nicole [00:35:07]: Men read more books.

John [00:35:09]: If you find a man that's reading books on relationship, wife him up. Yeah. But let me do the comment. This one, this. On that, on that video.

Nicole [00:35:22]: Okay. I'm gonna like, prop this up maybe. So it's better for people to see.

John [00:35:26]: This woman commented. She said, oof, if my husband remembered how to actually care for himself, things would be different. Clap clap. My fault for taking all responsibility. Eyeballs. Right? So I replied. I said, I'm sure he would do just fine taking care of himself without you. Which you'll be amazed what she replied back, which was, oh, my God. Cry smiley face. Crying smiley face. Sure. So you can see how she has very little value for her. I mean, can you imagine if he read this comic? Can you imagine if someone treated you like a child, didn't think you could take care of yourself? And I mean, it's just. It's bad.

Nicole [00:36:15]: Which, here's the thing. I agree with you. It's not okay.

John [00:36:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:36:20]: And she is treating him like a kid. So he's acting like a kid who doesn't have responsibilities. We have a kid. The second we step in and start doing more things for her, the second she realizes, oh, I don't have to have. I don't have to have the responsibility of this myself, they'll do it for me. That's what's happening to him. That's a natural response.

John [00:36:38]: Right.

Nicole [00:36:39]: But the other thing here too, to think about, which I'm not saying is happening in this instance, but it sparked something in my mind is the mama's boys who are used to their mom doing everything for them well into adulthood, and then they end up marrying a woman who they expect to do everything for them. And some men seem like they genuinely can't take care of themselves. I don't think that's the majority at all. I want to say that I don't think it's a majority.

John [00:37:09]: No.

Nicole [00:37:10]: However, I do think that there are some men that are babied so much by their moms that when they get into relationships, they are looking for a similar person so that they don't have to do the things they can just allow woman to continue. Like, he's been catered to his whole life doing those things and not having the responsibility because either he never learned at all because he didn't get the opportunity.

John [00:37:40]: Right.

Nicole [00:37:40]: Or, you know, he's Just enjoying the ride of the woman taking over and, you know, taking the responsibilities off of him.

John [00:37:49]: And what's the one thing I say that men are lacking the most today?

Nicole [00:37:55]: Accountability.

John [00:37:56]: Pride.

Nicole [00:37:58]: Pride in being a man.

John [00:38:00]: That's it. If you have pride as a man, you're not going to allow someone to treat you like a child because you have too much pride. You're going to pay for the meals, you're going to do the things that are. I have pride in myself as a man. I'm not going to be treated like a child. I'm going to take care of myself. So lacking pride is what. But on the other hand, too, like you're saying for a woman, what should she do in that situation? Let him sink.

Nicole [00:38:25]: Right.

John [00:38:25]: Just like you got to do as a parent.

Nicole [00:38:26]: That's hard for women, especially women who have gone out and they've, you know, been single and did the things that they needed to do, and then they get in a relationship and they're also often trying to control the situation in the way that of doing things that she's always done. Right. And so they end up taking over a lot of things. And a man doesn't have to do those things for himself anymore.

John [00:38:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:38:49]: But instead of it being like a healthy partnership where you're just taking over different sort of things, the woman is still in her masculine.

John [00:38:58]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:38:59]: She's still trying to control the entire situation. Rather than you coming together as a couple and being like, okay, I'm going to take over the masculine responsibilities for you so you don't have to, and you're going to take over the feminine.

John [00:39:10]: Right.

Nicole [00:39:10]: Right. But a woman comes in, and even if a man's been on his own and he knows how to take care of himself or whatever, she has a way of living that she was living. So little things like, you're not loading the dishwasher correctly. Right. It's like OCD women. Woman over here.

John [00:39:29]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:30]: Which I get because I am also an OCD woman, and I had to learn how to just, like, let it ride. And I think, too, if you have kids, it's easier because you can't micromanage kids. You can't micro. And I'm not comparing kids to men, but I'm just saying that, like, with. When kids come along.

John [00:39:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:48]: Women learn easier to let go of control.

John [00:39:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:51]: But they don't realize they're treating their husbands like kids.

John [00:39:55]: Right.

Nicole [00:39:55]: But they're. They're not letting the man take control because they're afraid that he won't do the Things. Right. So they don't give him an opportunity to do that.

John [00:40:05]: Like he won't feed himself or clothe himself.

Nicole [00:40:08]: Right.

John [00:40:08]: Wipe his butt. It's like, you know, that's why you got to think as a woman sometimes you gotta be like, look, if I wasn't here, would he just die? Would he not know where to go in the car? Would he? No, he would figure it out. Like he would survive. He's a human being. He did it before me, he would do it after me. So that's the thing. How you can kind of let go of control is because I get it. But at the same time you got to really think, well, I think this guy survive.

Nicole [00:40:31]: It's more that men aren't doing it the way that they want.

John [00:40:33]: Right.

Nicole [00:40:33]: Like the exact way. Right. Because even we've talked about it, at times when I've had my own controlling moments, it's like I'm thinking of efficiency and I'm thinking of how can we do this with the path of least resistance. And a lot of times it's because I had to learn and figure it out. And I figured out how to do a more efficient way or, you know, let's clean up this so we don't have to clean up more later sort of thing. But at the same time, that's why I'm saying when you have kids, a lot of that goes out the door because you can't teach a 2 year old to clean up while they're making a mess. Like they just can't comprehend.

John [00:41:08]: Right.

Nicole [00:41:08]: But men can comprehend and it doesn't have to be done your exact way.

John [00:41:13]: Right, right.

Nicole [00:41:14]: Like if you tell your husband, can you do the dishes or something? For me, I'm, you know, not feeling well. If he doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher exactly how you want, that doesn't matter. They're getting clean, that's what matters.

John [00:41:27]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:41:27]: And a lot of times women focus on those little minute details.

John [00:41:30]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:31]: And a lot of times they do it too, because they feel unloved from other aspects. Like their emotional needs aren't being met and so they're trying to find things to nitpick and to start a fight about.

John [00:41:44]: Exactly. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. And with that said, I think one of the things that you can do, like either partner can do, is to start doing their part. And it doesn't guarantee that you're going to fix your marriage or fix the other person, but in most situations, both people aren't doing it.

Nicole [00:42:05]: Right.

John [00:42:06]: And so it only takes one person Doing the right thing, in many cases to fix the entire thing. And, you know, for example, if you're a husband and you start showing your wife unconditional love, you start being romantic, you start really treating her like the woman that is the love of your life that you value, she's probably going to start acting a lot more respectful, Right. It's probably just going to. Naturally, she's probably going to stop nagging you. She's probably going to, you know, and if you're taking up your responsibility, if you start saying, you know, I'm take care of myself, take care of your responsibility, take things off her shoulder, take these masculine tasks off her shoulders, right? She's probably going to start acting more like you're the man, because you're acting like the man. And the same thing, if a woman who's been disrespecting her husband, if she starts writing him notes about how much she respects him, like it says in the books, and starts acting in a very respectful way to him and tells him how much she respects him and says, oh, why don't you. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. Could you give me some help? Could you help me? You're so wise. You know, if she starts saying stuff like that, the dude is going to be skipping on water. He's going to be walking on water and feel like his, you know, you think he's going to start acting more loving? Probably.

Nicole [00:43:23]: So women also need to realize, too, with what you just said, which is in the surrendered wife book, is that if you put that on your man, Right. Like, if you give him the space and be like, he can figure this out.

John [00:43:35]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:36]: He might flounder at first because you've been babying him basically, like, against his will, but he hasn't had the responsibility. He has to get his footing again, but he will. Most men will step up to the plate Once you put that responsibility on them to be the man, they will step up and figure it out. Granted, you have to hold back that controllingness until you learn that you need to let it go for good. But like you said, if you start practicing letting go of that control, showing your husband that you respect him and allowing him to be the man. Yeah. A lot of times men will step up to the plate and be the man that you need him to be.

John [00:44:18]: Right.

Nicole [00:44:19]: And it'll be easier for you to respect him that way because he's handling more things. He's showing you he can do it.

John [00:44:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:25]: And also taking it off of your plate. So that you can be more relaxed.

John [00:44:29]: Right.

Nicole [00:44:30]: And that will naturally cause the respect to come back to how it was before.

John [00:44:35]: Exactly. And you've. I've said this phrase a lot, but if you give a dog a bad name, you might as well hang the dog. And what that means is that a lot of times, if you have a wife that's disrespectful and you start treating her like she's a respectful wife, she'll start becoming one. And if you have a man that's unloving, you start treating him like he's a super loving husband, he'll start becoming one. It doesn't guarantee it. You can only control yourself. And you shouldn't do it just to get a response from the other person. You should do it because it's the.

Nicole [00:45:01]: Right thing to do.

John [00:45:01]: Right. And that also brings up that kind of. The topic of. One of the criticisms that I do have of the book, which we talked about a little bit, is that a lot of the motivation that's being put here is that the Bible says this and God says this. And I get that. And as a good Christian, you want to do the things that the Bible says. And, you know, I get that part. But I do think that if I said to you, hey, Nicole, I love you unconditionally because I'm supposed to, or I started treating you like I suddenly started treating you much better, but if we had a bad situation and then I was secretly not really actually loving you unconditionally, but I was acting the part because that's what I'm commanded to do. Probably be pretty insulted. And the same thing if a guy was like, oh, she's being really respectful to me. I'm so happy she finally respects me. And then secretly she doesn't really, really respect him. She doesn't find him very respectable, but she's acting that way because she was commanded to do would lose a lot of the meaning.

Nicole [00:46:08]: It's also not sustainable.

John [00:46:09]: Yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:46:10]: Like, it's really not. Like, it might be somewhat from a religious standpoint, because I do feel like people's faith in God is very sturdy and strong, and I think that that would make it sustainable. But the concept of doing it for any other reason besides you love this person and you're trying to fix your relationship and have the best relationship is not sustainable. Like, if you do it for any other reason besides that.

John [00:46:37]: And the other reason he had in there was you get rewards in heaven, like the angels. The angels are like Cha Ching. For me, I was like, oh, please.

Nicole [00:46:44]: He literally said Cha Ching. And that was honestly the part I liked the least about the book is that he kind of made all of the good points. They're still good. Like, love and respect. It. It just put a really bad taste in my mouth that I can even see doing it for God as more of a better excuse.

John [00:47:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:08]: But doing it also to get rewards in heaven is disgusting to me.

John [00:47:13]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:14]: Like, it's disgusting to do something because of what you're going to get. That's selfish.

John [00:47:20]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:47:20]: And love is not supposed to be selfish.

John [00:47:22]: Right.

Nicole [00:47:22]: And respect's not supposed to be selfish. Like, you're supposed to give those things freely to people who even don't deserve them. And so for him to be like, oh, yeah. And by the way, Cha Ching, literally writing Cha Ching in there just was the worst part of the book for me.

John [00:47:40]: Yeah. Yeah. And again, we're not trying to knock anyone's religion. If you're Christian, we're not trying to criticize your religion, but we're just saying that even if you completely subscribe to Christianity, the Bible, that's great. I'm glad for you. But do things for the right motive.

Nicole [00:47:57]: Right.

John [00:47:57]: And yeah, it's. I think if you're a Christian and you want to obey God, you want to obey the scripture, you want to make God happy, that's great. And you do want to have rewards in heaven for, you know, like.

Nicole [00:48:07]: But that is fine.

John [00:48:08]: This. Because you're going to get something out. Don't. Don't let this be like you let your motivation. If you're going to truly love someone and truly respect someone, find it in your heart to actually do it full in. Not because of some other reason, because no one wants to be in that position where it's not.

Nicole [00:48:32]: You're doing it for a reason outside of them.

John [00:48:35]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:48:36]: Yeah. I mean, I'm not trying to hate on anybody's thing, but I also feel like God would not want you to do something for the reward you're gonna get. That doesn't seem. That doesn't seem like a godly thing to me.

John [00:48:51]: Well, even Jesus said at some point, he had said that the person who fasts and puts money into the offering and they make a show of it, they already got the reward. That's what he says. So even the Bible says it's like, if you're doing it for other purpose than actually the charity of your heart, not good.

Nicole [00:49:14]: Right? Exactly.

John [00:49:16]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:49:17]: Yeah. So I didn't particularly care for that part.

John [00:49:20]: Yeah. And then, let's see, there was that the concept of the chairs, I marked those in couples, so I thought this was good as well. And you may have heard of this before, but there's some acronyms that I think are useful to remember for what makes a woman feel loved and what makes a man feel respected. And I should have them memorized at this point.

Nicole [00:49:41]: It's on the bookmark ones.

John [00:49:43]: Couple principles. Okay, so couple is C, O, U, P, L, E, if you can't spell. But it's an acronym to show the best way to show respect.

Nicole [00:49:55]: No, love to a woman.

John [00:49:56]: Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah. Love to a woman. It says the best way to show respect to a wife. That's where it is, a commentary on the best way to show respect to a wife. I wonder if that's a typo. I don't know.

Nicole [00:50:04]: Well, like I said in the beginning, love is respect and respect is love.

John [00:50:08]: The best way to respect or honor your wife is through. Okay, so the acronym is closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty and esteem. Which makes a lot of sense. Right, right. I think most women would agree with that. And I mean, we don't have really time to go into all the details, but closeness is basically being close, like emotionally close.

Nicole [00:50:33]: Spending time with each other too.

John [00:50:35]: And openness is sharing your feelings.

Nicole [00:50:37]: Right, right.

John [00:50:38]: Understanding is giving the benefit of the doubt and being empathetic. Right. Peacemaking is. I don't know how to describe the peacemaking part.

Nicole [00:50:49]: I mean, I guess like that a man wants to fix the problems in your relationship, he doesn't just sweep it under the rug.

John [00:50:57]: And loyalty, I think that goes without saying. Loyalty and esteem, which is an important one because a lot of times men are motivated by, what are you, lazy bastard, get up there and do 10 more push ups. But women want to be esteemed. They want to be congratulated. Like they want to be made to feel lifted up. Yeah. Not that a man wants a woman to tell him to do 10 more push ups because he's a lazy fat.

Nicole [00:51:28]: The next bookmark part has the next chairs.

John [00:51:31]: Let me see here. Okay, you dog eared this one.

Nicole [00:51:33]: Yeah, I'm just watching you already, Mark.

John [00:51:37]: I thought they were together. All right, so. And then the chairs, one for men. Right.

Nicole [00:51:42]: So women show respect to men.

John [00:51:44]: Yeah. Is conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationship and sexuality. You knew that.

Nicole [00:51:53]: And conquest does not mean the sexual conquest.

John [00:51:57]: It means to appreciate his like work, ambition, career. Exactly, yeah. Because men want to say, look what I brought home.

Nicole [00:52:04]: Have done.

John [00:52:05]: Yeah, Hierarchy, meaning that he's the authority in the.

Nicole [00:52:12]: Oh, well, authority.

John [00:52:12]: Well, the authority. That's why I stumbled on that one was the hierarchy of under. It is kind of related because it's the idea that the man is the head of the house that he represents, that there is.

Nicole [00:52:23]: Well, he actually did describe it well in the book and I'm gonna maybe butcher it, but it was how he described it was that, yes, a woman, I mean, a man is above a woman, above a woman, but he fights for the honor of the woman. Like he's going first because he is protecting his woman and he is, you know, sacrificing himself almost first to protect her.

John [00:52:54]: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:52:55]: So that's how he. Again, that's not exactly how he described it. Yeah, but that's what he emphasized. Why the hierarchy, which I know religiously it's God, man, woman, child, or something along those lines. But the way he described it is that the man comes first because he will sacrifice himself for his wife and his children if necessary. And that's why he's the first in line after God.

John [00:53:25]: Yeah, and that's where like I have that analogy. I always use the captain of the ship analogy. The captain goes down with the ship. He's the one to the outside world. He is the unit, he's the outward facing right to. In the internal. Obviously they're, you know, they're communicating, they're working together. But he presents the face to the outside world, the authority, which is obviously that he has authority in his life, right. So that his. In his family and his marriage. He's the one she looks up to, him, she listens to. Ultimately, he has the final decision and she respects that authority, insight. This one is that he has wise counsel. And she comes to him and says, hey, could you help me with this problem? Hey, you're smart, you're wise. Give me your counsel on this thing, relationship. This one is like the shoulder to shoulder buddy. Like she plays video games with him or she does some kind of. Or even. He described it as like, watch me while I work on something.

Nicole [00:54:29]: Like just be in the room, just.

John [00:54:31]: Like give me company, you know, it's.

Nicole [00:54:33]: Kind of like the closeness. Ish. Of like the woman's side. Right. Like having that, like you said, companionship, that like partner. Because I think even when he says the relationship, it's like the best friend, like the person you go to, sort of foundation.

John [00:54:51]: And then the final one is the sexuality, which, I mean, it's pretty obvious with that. But I think one thing though, that I did actually disagree, we talked about this in this book as well, is that he tends to paint sexuality as something that is a favor to men, which is a very narrow sighted view of it. And it also, I think it's destructive of the relationship if it's like a.

Nicole [00:55:17]: Chore or just something that you do. Actually, unfortunately a lot of books, even the surrendered wife one is very much like just do it if he wants to do it. They don't give a woman a way to connect with her husband. So it's not just a just do it when you don't want to do it.

John [00:55:36]: And, and that, yeah, and that's a common thing I think is that, well, there's two pieces to this. One is that hey, if you marry someone, both men and women, you're obligated to have sex with them like on a regular basis because you want them to be exclusive with you. You either have to open up the marriage, which is a horrible idea, you know, divorce them, or you need to meet their sexual needs. Right. I think that's on both sides and I've heard women complain about it and men complain about it. But, but at the same time there's this conflict of well, should you have sex when you don't want to just to please someone. And actually the book that really actually addressed it is why Women have Sex. Because I was re listening to that when I was doing some research for one of my videos and she was talking about in the book. And actually I think there's this book on seduction I read too that also has the same thing is that instead of thinking, okay, I need to do this just because I owe it or I want my partner to be happy even though I'm not in the mood. Get yourself in the mood, which you can do. You can help yourself get into the mood or be receptive to being seduced or to being put into the mood as opposed to thinking of as a chore or something that you have to do because you don't want it to ever become that. And that's the thing is like if you, if it's like an obligation, then it's going to become a chore. Right, but, so, but can you do things that facilitate you becoming more so in the mood? So I just wanted to make that point because that also was a little bit like, you know, in the book because it's, it just, it makes it feel like. And no one wants to feel like they're being done a f. Because look, the woman should also be appreciating the sex as, as the man. It shouldn't be a one way thing. And culturally, a lot of times it is where it's like, oh, she's doing a favor for him by having sex with him. First of all, guys, that's not a good way to look at your. Like, you shouldn't be thinking about things like that. Right, right. You should be thinking, I'm doing her. You know, you shouldn't think it that way either.

Nicole [00:57:39]: They should be trying, like, doing that.

John [00:57:41]: Yeah, but you should be so good. Or, you know, that she feels like you're doing her a favor. You know what I'm saying? But it shouldn't even be for anyone a favor. It should just be like, you both want to and want each other. And as soon as you start thinking of it as, oh, I'm doing this a favor in a sexual way, it creates a big problem. So.

Nicole [00:58:01]: Yeah, that's true. There was one other thing that I just wanted to bring up that in this book, a lot of the women had been cheated on. And he's still saying to give him unconditional respect and love. And personally, I understand why you would lose respect for a man that's cheated on you.

John [00:58:25]: Right.

Nicole [00:58:26]: And, you know, more power to people. And I've said this before, who can gain that trust and respect back and stay with the person that has cheated on them. But also, and I know from a religious standpoint, divorce is like, you want to stay as far away from possible. But I do want to say, as a woman reading this, that if you have been cheated on, you don't have to continue to stay in the relationship. I'm not saying be disrespectful back, but that's a very disrespectful thing that a man. And unloving thing a man can do to a woman.

John [00:59:03]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:04]: And a lot of these women in here that had that story are still continuing to try to be with the man who did that to them. And supposedly it's working out for them. But I also don't want women to feel like they have to continue to be respectful and loving to somebody that did something so unloving and disrespectful to them. Because that is a breach in your marital vows.

John [00:59:31]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:59:32]: Like. And that's why, too, in the couples he puts loyalty. Because men are typically the ones who go astray and have affairs. And, you know, in the last episode we just recorded, we talked about why that happens a lot of the time. So you should go watch that one, too. But I just wanted to add in there that you, if you read this book, especially as a woman, and you're reading it and you've been cheated on by your husband or something like, try this if that's what you want. If you are choosing to stay in that relationship, this is a good way to try to get that dynamic back. However, you don't have to stay because that person broke that trust and disrespected you and did an unloving thing to you to begin with. Because a lot of people stay in stuff that. Just because it's a religious right, because it's a commitment. And they are going to still go through with their commitment. But a lot of those people don't realize that if your partner breaks the commitment.

John [01:00:38]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:00:39]: And in other ways too, besides being unfaithful, you do not have to continue that commitment. And a lot of times you shouldn't, because they just prove to you that they can't commit to what they vowed to you right now. If you want to work through it and you feel like it's worth working through, I'm not saying don't do that, but I'm saying that. Don't feel like you have to uphold your commitment that you made when someone else broke it to begin with.

John [01:01:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:01:10]: If you feel like you cannot respect this person anymore because of what they did to you and the love has changed and the relationship dynamic has changed and you don't think it can be repaired. It is fine to separate.

John [01:01:24]: Yeah. And.

Nicole [01:01:25]: And in those instances. But it has to be an instance like that, an affair or abuse or something like that. Otherwise you should be upholding your commitment to the vows that you made. And a lot of people today don't up like they just.

John [01:01:43]: It doesn't mean anything.

Nicole [01:01:44]: Yeah. Yeah. They just decide that they're growing apart, and instead of really trying as hard as they can, they divorce.

John [01:01:52]: Right.

Nicole [01:01:53]: Which I don't think is right. But if it's abuse, physical, mental, emotional, or infidelity, in my mind, those are grounds for whenever, time, whatever you need to get out of that situation.

John [01:02:08]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:02:08]: Is acceptable. Like. Like I said, because that person has broken their vows to you, so you do not have to uphold yours to them.

John [01:02:18]: And. And we talked about this before, too, which is. It's kind of weird to say this, but if you think about it, it does make sense, which is that the people that work through the infidelities, it's. It's actually less severe, the infidelity if the relationship's bad than if it's good. Because if you're in this cycle and you're both treating each other poorly and then someone has an affair, you're much more likely to be able to work through that and fix everything. Then if everything's going good and someone has an affair, it actually is a lot more of a betrayal.

Nicole [01:02:57]: Right.

John [01:02:58]: Because it was unexpected. Because it's a. There's, you know, so just, you know, for what that's worth, I think that that's worth saying. But. But I agree as well as it's like, you can't just be like, okay, I'm just going to stick to this thing. I'm just going to ride this horse. Because this is a horse that I chose. Yeah. I mean, divorce is. Believe me, divorce is probably the worst thing that you'll go through in your life. So you should avoid it. It affects children, affects everyone. So you should avoid it at all costs. But at the same time, there are circumstances where that's going to be the best option. If you can save it, save it. And again, that's the same thing we talked about with this book, too, is it's like some people, it seems like maybe they shouldn't be together, especially some of the stories in this book. There was, like, some stuff where it was like, what? This is what you think about your spouse and, you know, why are you with them?

Nicole [01:03:47]: Right.

John [01:03:48]: And look, if you've been together for 10, 15 years and you got a lot of tooth decay, all your teeth.

Nicole [01:03:56]: Are going to fall out.

John [01:03:57]: You should try to fix that. Like, put a real effort into it. And if you can't, then, okay, but are you doing the thing that you can?

Nicole [01:04:07]: And that's the question I was gonna say maybe to, like, round this out.

John [01:04:10]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:04:11]: Cause I think it's beneficial to talk about what timeline do you think people should put effort into before they make a decision like that?

John [01:04:22]: Well, I tell guys that I coach. Okay. And I didn't get this originally from me. I got it from Tony Robbins, actually, because I saw him say this, and it made a lot of sense to me, right. Is, look, for three months, you're going to put your needs aside completely, and you're just going to serve the other person. So if you're a man, you're just going to unconditionally love this disrespectful wench. You know, I mean, like, you're just going to unconditionally love her. You're just going to.

Nicole [01:04:56]: No matter what, no matter what she.

John [01:04:57]: Says, no matter what kind of hateful things that she says, you're just going to show her just sincere, from your heart love, you're going to put out, you're not going to worry about what she's doing and getting your needs met for three months.

Nicole [01:05:09]: Right.

John [01:05:09]: And if at the end of that time, they're not. They're not making any effort to reciprocate.

Nicole [01:05:17]: Right.

John [01:05:18]: Then you can. You can walk away knowing that you did everything that you could.

Nicole [01:05:23]: Do you think women. The same timeline.

John [01:05:25]: Yeah, same timeline, same thing. You start treating him with absolute respect, a person will see that change. And what I tell guys all the time, too, is, when you do this, what's going to happen. Okay. Is because I tell guys this, you start treating her with unconditional love, you start romancing, treating her, being empathetic to her emotions and validating her emotions, she's gonna react very badly.

Nicole [01:05:52]: Yeah.

John [01:05:53]: Why?

Nicole [01:05:54]: Because she thinks it's a trap or something.

John [01:05:56]: She's like, what? What? Well, two things. One is she's like, is this for real? She wants to see if it's real, so she's testing you. But then number two, when she realized it is for real.

Nicole [01:06:06]: Oh, why haven't you done this the whole time?

John [01:06:09]: Yes. It's gonna come out, and she's gonna be like, you could have done this. Like, she's gonna think that in her head. She's gonna think, what an asshole. Like, why did you treat me so badly for so, like, all that? And. And now she's going to be in a safe space to express her emotions. And so all that stuff that's been penned up, it's going to come out. So you got to ride it all.

Nicole [01:06:29]: The way through and don't get defensive and validate her feelings when all that comes out too well. And same with women, too. Like, allow him to test the waters. Because again, in that surrendered wife book, she says that he'll be like, what's happening? And he might try to be like, oh, well, take these responsibilities back. Like, take control back. I'm fine with it. Yeah, but you can't give in to that. So you do have to go through that period.

John [01:06:52]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:06:52]: Where things are going to be, like, shaken up and, like, what's happening. And there might be some resistance, but I think three months is a very reasonable amount of time to totally put yourself aside and see if that heals your relationship.

John [01:07:06]: Yeah. It won't kill you to put your needs aside completely for three months.

Nicole [01:07:09]: No, it won't.

John [01:07:10]: And it will give you clarity. And then you can. If you walk away, you can be like. You can feel good about it.

Nicole [01:07:15]: Right.

John [01:07:15]: You won't have to second guess.

Nicole [01:07:16]: You tried everything.

John [01:07:17]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:07:18]: Well, for our last segment of what went on this week, I guess, like, there's no, like, really tiffs. Besides, when we talked about.

John [01:07:30]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:07:31]: Before. But yesterday I talked to you about some things that, like.

John [01:07:38]: Oh, yeah.

Nicole [01:07:38]: How some things you did. I knew you didn't mean to do that. Made me feel a certain type of way. And when I brought it up, I made sure to mention that it was my feelings about it and not, you know, like, I know that your intention was not to do anything bad or harmful or anything like that, but I just wanted to be able to communicate to you how I was feeling and that it bothered me. And you just handled it really well. And especially after what we talked about in the last episode that happened like a week ago, which wasn't handled the best way, you did a very good job of having a conversation with me and not getting defensive and not being like, it hurt me that you're hurt sort of thing. And so, yeah, it was a good thing. It was a way that you showed me that you apply the things that we talk about, which I already know. I already know that you do that. But yeah.

John [01:08:41]: But, yeah. Good. Well, yeah, I think it. That was good. So. And like I said, it's. It's so it. It takes time to.

Nicole [01:08:48]: Right.

John [01:08:48]: You know, and I'm sure we'll make missteps, but we'll make less of them.

Nicole [01:08:52]: Right.

John [01:08:52]: And we have more grace for each other when we do.

Nicole [01:08:54]: Right, Exactly.

John [01:08:56]: All right, well, leave a review, guys. Leave a review on itunes, whatever you want.

Nicole [01:09:01]: Or Spotify. Do they have reviews area?

John [01:09:04]: I think they do. I think they do.

Nicole [01:09:05]: Google. I don't know. We don't have a Google Page. Maybe we should make a Google Page.

John [01:09:09]: We should make a Google Page. All right, that's it.

Nicole [01:09:13]: That's it.

John [01:09:14]: Read the book if you like I said, just know that it's time to.

Nicole [01:09:17]: The concept is good. And if you're one of the people. I personally like to read stuff, even if I don't agree 100% with it or, like, I'm not super religious, but it was still an interesting insight to read and. Yeah. So give it a try.

John [01:09:36]: All right. See you next time.

Nicole [01:09:39]: Through every fault we find our way.