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15 Most Common Relationship MYTHS DEBUNKED! [Ep 88]
· Communication

15 Most Common Relationship MYTHS DEBUNKED! [Ep 88]

What if endless talking through sleepless nights isn't building your bond, but breaking your spirit? John and Nicole expose how physical exhaustion crushes egos, forcing vulnerability that sparks real growth. Ignoring this risks resentment and isolation, but embracing it unlocks strength

Ever wondered why your partner can't just read your mind or why relationships feel like hard work? In this episode of the Better Than Perfect podcast, hosts John and Nicole dive into busting common relationship myths, revealing how flawed expectations can sabotage love and growth.

John and Nicole tackle myths like "if they loved me, they'd know what I need," emphasizing clear communication while encouraging spontaneous gestures, such as surprising your partner with flowers or anticipating desires without demands. They debunk "good couples don't fight," advocating for healthy conflict that fosters growth, and clarify "you complete me" by promoting interdependence over codependency—being whole individuals who unite to form a stronger entity, like two rockets combining forces. Progression builds from communication pitfalls to intimacy truths, like scheduling sex for consistent passion and viewing love as an action, not just emotion, to maintain the honeymoon phase by resolving resentment promptly.

In a raw, heartfelt moment, Nicole vulnerably shares her struggle with defensive patterns, admitting how fear of abandonment led her to isolate instead of seeking comfort from John. Describing the pain of unlearning lifelong habits, she transforms by committing to softness, illustrating the freeing power of letting down guards in a safe partnership, a relatable turning point for anyone battling emotional walls.

These insights matter because myths normalize toxic dynamics like unresolved resentment or unrealistic expectations, common in modern relationships. By embracing vulnerability and mutual growth, couples can build resilient bonds—start today by communicating one unmet need honestly and watch your connection deepen.

Listen & Watch

In this episode, you'll discover:

"You should strive to fulfill your partner's needs before they even have to express them, I think. But you can't always assume that that's always gonna happen." — John
"The hard part is working on yourself in order to show up better. Not hard work is in it's hard to be around my partner and work through this." — Nicole
"You don't have to protect yourself because you've got someone to protect you." — John
"It's hard to break these patterns. It's hard to break patterns you've literally been doing for 30 something years. But it's necessary and it's freeing." — Nicole

📝 Click here to read the full transcript

Nicole [00:00:00]: Talking more always fixes things.

John [00:00:02]: Talking more and sleep deprivation always fixes things. Eventually, you will succumb. Right. So it's like if you talk and talk and talk and you're not sleeping because you're still talking, eventually you're gonna, like, the ego gets demolished, and you're like, I just need to sleep. I just. I'm sorry.

Nicole [00:00:22]: That doesn't seem like it's gonna have as much benefit as if you just empathize with each other and apologize.

John [00:00:29]: Yeah, but the sleep deprivation wears down where you're like, all right, stop being stubborn, and you tears.

Nicole [00:00:35]: I see what you mean. But we've also talked during the day, and it hasn't been sleep time, and it's been hours.

John [00:00:42]: Beyond the perfect, we discover through our flaws, we complete each other. Better than perfect we stay through every fault, we find our way. All right, welcome back to the Better Than Perfect podcast, where every week we share with you how two imperfect people helping each other grow equals one better than perfect relationship.

Nicole [00:01:08]: And it's casual Friday for John.

John [00:01:11]: That's right.

Nicole [00:01:12]: We'll allow it because his birthday's tomorrow.

John [00:01:14]: Also, I've got my Make Restore Masculinity, Make Men Men Again shirt. Get the back on there, too.

Nicole [00:01:25]: Do you want me to read it? Yeah, you can turn around. Healthy masculinity. Protective, not controlling. Honorable, not convenient. Accountable, not excused. Courageous, not careless. Independent, not isolated. Disciplined, not reckless. Decisive, not dominating. Respectful, not weak. Stoic, not shut down. Confident, not cocky. Sharp, not scheming. Present, not passive. Calm, not cold. Make men men again, courtesy of my.

John [00:02:00]: My friend Brian from Red Stampede Co. So, yeah, if you want to check out, get his shirts. He's got some. He's got some good shirts. I like, like his shirts, but, I mean, this was the one I liked the most because, you know, restore masculinity. But, yeah, Red Stampede Company, I think on Instagram. Check out his store. But yeah. Yeah, thanks for hooking me up with the shirt.

Nicole [00:02:19]: And let's make Men Men again.

John [00:02:21]: That's right.

Nicole [00:02:23]: Well, today, I don't know. Do we have, like, anything going on in the world that we wanted to talk about?

John [00:02:30]: I think we should just.

Nicole [00:02:31]: Just not the depressing stuff.

John [00:02:32]: Yeah, it's just, you know, nuclear war and stuff.

Nicole [00:02:35]: We're not gonna put that negativity out there, and hopefully we won't have to deal with it.

John [00:02:39]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:02:41]: But we're gonna go a little Mythbuster today.

John [00:02:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:02:44]: We're gonna bust some relationship myths and put our two cents in about them. So. Courtesy of ChatGPT we have 15 of them.

John [00:02:55]: Yeah, that's right. 15 of them. All right.

Nicole [00:02:57]: We can just jump right in.

John [00:02:58]: I'm excited. Yeah. What's our first myth? To bust or not bust. Maybe some of them are good.

Nicole [00:03:03]: Yeah.

John [00:03:04]: Okay.

Nicole [00:03:05]: The first one is if they really loved me, they just know what I need. And I believed this myth at one point. I feel like, logically, you can understand that someone can't read your mind, and maybe it's more of a woman thing. I don't know. Do men think like this? That they're like. I think it kind of ties for women more to the. Like, if he wanted to, he would. And so, like, she'll be like, oh, well, if he really loved me, he would just bring me flowers sometimes I wouldn't have to say it. And it's like, in some degree, it's like, you do want somebody to, like, spontaneously kind of do these things. Like, I get that they're not gonna know, like, which flowers that you want or something like that, but that. I think it's that women want that, like, spontaneity, like, rather than being like, can you please bring me flowers, like, every once in a while? Which. There's nothing wrong with saying that. And to be honest, if it really matters to you, you should say it.

John [00:04:10]: Right.

Nicole [00:04:10]: But I think that just as a woman who, like I said, believed this at some point, it's like, I think that's where at least the woman's perspective comes from.

John [00:04:19]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:20]: Especially, too, like, you see, with women and men, not, like, filling her stockings. We've talked about this. Like, a woman wants a man to just do it right.

John [00:04:29]: Without having to be told and just.

Nicole [00:04:31]: Know that that's, like, something he should probably do without her being like, hey, can you fill my stocking? Because it kind of takes away the magic of it a little bit.

John [00:04:38]: Exactly. Yeah.

Nicole [00:04:39]: And again, like, if it's something that really matters to you, you should say something and you should speak up about it. But I just think that that's where maybe especially women fall into this myth because they want that, like, spontaneity of it. And, you know, so it is a myth. Like, you do have to communicate. Like, someone's not going to be able to read your mind.

John [00:05:04]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:05:05]: But I do think that, you know, men should try to be a little bit more romantic, because I think that's really what this stems from, is that women just want to feel like. They just want to feel like they're loved, because that's why they're like, if they really loved me, then they would know. And I think it's not even the knowing. I think it's that. The showing.

John [00:05:27]: Exactly.

Nicole [00:05:28]: It's not the knowing, it's the showing. And that's what trips people up. But yeah, if you're somebody that genuinely thinks that someone should just read your mind and know what you want. Like, you should read my mind right now and figure out what I want to eat for dinner later or something. Like, that's not realistic. And, you know, if. If you don't give him any hints or like, I'm feeling Mexican, then, like, he's not gonna know what you want for dinner. Like, you could give him little hints or something. If you wanna still try to make it a surprise. Like, you'll be surprised what Mexican restaurant you go to for dinner. But you can't just be like, read my mind.

John [00:06:06]: Like, yeah, well, I mean, I think also, like, I've got mixed thoughts on this one. Right. So, yes, you should communicate what you want. People can't read your mind necessarily. But also it's one of those things where it falls into the category of you should try to do this, but you should not expect this. So you should try to anticipate your partner's needs without them having to tell you. But you shouldn't expect them to anticipate your needs without you having to tell them. Right. You know what I'm saying? It's like, be the one who does that. But you can't have that expectation on someone because it's an unreasonable expectation to have. Whereas you can try to do that. Right. So especially for guys, like you said, women want a man who just gets it. Right? Even just understanding. That's why having good social skills as a man is important, because the man just gets it. He can read the room. He knows how to treat a woman. He knows to bring flowers. He knows these things. Then he should. A woman wants a man that can do that without having to be told, right? Yeah, but that's. At some point, though, you have to learn it somewhere. So it's like if you. If you initially let your partner know what you want and what you like, and then they anticipate your need from that and do it without being told, then I think that's where you should. You should strive to be because you should really be like that, you know, like, women do want a man to bring her flowers and to, you know, to figure out somewhere where she would like to go to eat. Not that necessarily have to ask her, but. Right. Men want a woman to spontaneously give them blowjobs like, that's. They don't want to have to ask about, you know, it's like. Like stuff like. I mean, we did the whole episode on the romance for men and romance for women, and it's kind of that.

Nicole [00:08:02]: Yeah, I think it's more of the romance thing because I think that, like I said, even when I think about. When I had thoughts like this, it was more so, like, feeling considered and feeling like my partner was paying attention to me and, like, yeah, wanted to understand me and, like, figure out the things that I wanted more. So rather than, like, I genuinely wanted them to read my mind. You know what I mean? So I think that's where it started. Stems from. And I think you're right that, like, if men learn how to be romantic and pay attention to their partner and women learn how to be romantic towards men and pay attention to him in the way that each side feels appreciated and, like, paid attention to, then I feel like it kind of busts this myth on its own.

John [00:08:51]: Yeah, yeah. And it is possible to anticipate someone's needs after. When you know them well enough.

Nicole [00:08:57]: Right.

John [00:08:57]: I think that's the thing. It's like, yeah, you can and you should. You should strive to fulfill your partner's needs before they even have to express them, I think. But you can't always assume that that's always gonna happen or that, you know, as the other person, you can't expect that it's good if you can do it, but you shouldn't expect it. Yeah, that's what I was saying.

Nicole [00:09:20]: Okay, the next one is good couples don't fight.

John [00:09:24]: That's true.

Nicole [00:09:27]: Okay, maybe the word fight, like, they don't fight. They don't hurl insults at each other and scream at each other.

John [00:09:34]: Right.

Nicole [00:09:36]: But so maybe in. If they're using the words fight, it depends on what kind of fight just sounds violent.

John [00:09:42]: Like, fist fight fight sounds violent.

Nicole [00:09:45]: I think, like, good couples disagree or they have arguments or conflict. Yeah, yeah, but fight. But I feel like we're just being nitpicky on the words. But.

John [00:09:55]: Well, I mean, but fighting is like, you're trying to win. You're trying to, like, harm the other.

Nicole [00:10:01]: Person, trying to TKO the other person, knock them out.

John [00:10:04]: So I think that's. Right. You shouldn't be fighting. Like, Right. It's like. But it doesn't mean you're not a good couple if you do. It just means that, like, that's not an attribute that you should be striving. Like, good. You should have conflict. Good conflict. Because through conflict you grow.

Nicole [00:10:20]: Right.

John [00:10:20]: Right. You know, so, yeah.

Nicole [00:10:22]: And you work through things. So, yeah, the word fight, we have a problem with that.

John [00:10:27]: But what else you got?

Nicole [00:10:29]: Number three is you complete me. That's the myth.

John [00:10:35]: Yeah. I mean, you should be. You should be complete. It's hard because there's. We haven't really done an episode on dependency and interdependency and codependency. Right.

Nicole [00:10:50]: I think we talked a little bit about interdependency versus codependency.

John [00:10:55]: Okay, maybe we did, but I don't.

Nicole [00:10:56]: Know if it was a full episode.

John [00:10:58]: Yeah, but interdependency is not bad. So it's like when you're dating, you need to be complete in yourself. You can't be looking for someone to complete you.

Nicole [00:11:10]: Right.

John [00:11:10]: That's where the myth comes in. But when you do build an intimate relationship with someone, then you should become interdependent, where you do complete each other. Even though that seems like a contradiction, it's not. Because you should be whole on your own, not looking for someone to make you whole. But then when you enter that relationship now, you're purposely giving up your one side of you to become one and be completed by each other so that you don't have duplicity in the roles. Like we talked about this before about, you don't need two rocket ships. Right. Instead, let's build a bigger rocket. That one part is the head of the rocket, one part is the thruster of the rocket. Right. As opposed to two rockets. Like you should be a rocket on yourself. You shouldn't be half a rocket looking for the other half of a rocket, because that's not going to be good. You're not going to be very functional. But when you take a fully functional. Two fully functional human beings that are complete in themselves, then you combine them together, and they choose to become interdependent on each other. That creates a stronger union.

Nicole [00:12:22]: I agree with you. I was going to say something similar. Like you said that you need to be an individual and complete on your own. But then when you get into a serious relationship and you get married, you do complete the new entity, which is the marriage, which is you guys as a couple. It's now this new thing that mixes both of you together. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be a complete human being before you enter into that. You have to.

John [00:12:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:12:52]: To even get to that point. Because otherwise, then you're. Then it's all sorts of mixed up. Like, you don't even know who you are, what you're Doing like, you need, like you said, validation from other people, but you don't have the like acceptance and appreciation for yourself as a whole on your own. So, yeah, I agree that it's like you have to be whole, but you create a new thing when you get married that does require the other person to complete it. Especially in the situation like the modern traditional relationships like we talk about, like if you're not a part of our family, then there's no masculine energy. Like, yes, I could step up and bring that. But then that's not really. That's just me.

John [00:13:39]: Right.

Nicole [00:13:40]: Doing all the things. And if vice versa, if I was gone, then you wouldn't have the feminine side. So it's like you need both of those things when you enter into that to complete your family, to complete your marriage, to complete your union as one. I mean, that's why they say that, to become one when you get married.

John [00:13:59]: Yeah. So you just don't want to each other. You don't want to look for a partner to fill a hole in yourself.

Nicole [00:14:06]: Avoid. Yeah.

John [00:14:06]: Because then you become, that's where you create a dependent relationship where you, your happiness is dependent on your partner or their mood. So they're like, if you, if you're already complete in yourself, then you don't end up you becoming you. You can become interdependent instead of dependent. Right, right. Which, which I think is. Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:28]: So which I feel like is a lot of people who like bounce from relationship to relationship because they can't not be in one. Like, they don't know how to even be on their own and feel complete on their own.

John [00:14:41]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:14:42]: So next one is love should be effortless.

John [00:14:51]: It should, it should look effortless, but it shouldn't be.

Nicole [00:14:56]: I mean, it should be given effortlessly.

John [00:14:58]: Yeah, that's like, it's, it's, it's weird. It's like. Yes. Like the, the love, I mean when we talk about this is like love is a gift. It's not earned. But it's not always easy to be loving all the time.

Nicole [00:15:13]: I think that's what they're saying is that like love, they're meaning like the relationship. Your connection with the person isn't always going to be perfect. Like we talked about. You're going to have arguments or disagreements and things like that. And so it's not going to always be just existing and everything's fine. And then if something bad happens, then that means that it's not good anymore anymore or things like that. Or it's not real love if it's not effortless like it requires. It's that like complicated thing. Right. Like where people say relationships are hard work. Like they're not hard work, but they are. Like it's hard work in the sense of the hard part is working on yourself.

John [00:16:02]: Yeah, exactly.

Nicole [00:16:03]: In order to show up better. Not hard work is in. It's hard to be around my partner and work through this.

John [00:16:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:16:10]: Like it's hard work because you're having to face your inner demons and trauma and whatever your old patterns that aren't serving you. That part is hard. It's hard breaking the cycles that you've been in for your entire life.

John [00:16:25]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:16:25]: In order to have a more harmonious and effortless relationship. But yeah, being in the relationship should not be hard work. That part should be effortless. Like loving the person that you chose to marry should be effortless. Like even in the hard times you should still love them. Like you should still have the love for them.

John [00:16:43]: Yeah. And I think, I think some of it comes down to the idea that like love is not an emotion, it's an action. And so that's where it's like if you think that it should be effortless in the sense that I just either if I, I should just feel it all the time. In, in a way. Yes. I mean you should. Underlying, that underlying feeling should, should be there. But you're not always going to feel like you're like in love all the time. In the sense that like you're going to be upset at times and things like that. But the action of love is more important than the feeling of it. You can't just base your life off of feelings. You have to base it off of what are the actions that you take. Right. So even if you're upset, do you still act in a loving way? Do you show love? Do you still know, take that action of love? Otherwise what good is it? Because then when you're upset, then you now you don't love them anymore and.

Nicole [00:17:38]: Which you shouldn't feel that way. Cuz I feel like even if you're upset with somebody, if you really love them and care about them, you still have that feeling even though it is overshadowed by, yeah, whatever, you know, upset emotion that you're having at the moment. But you should still have that core of love for the person that you're even having the conversation with rooted in you. Because I do feel like that helps make it so that you're not lashing out at your partner and you're not doing those things. Like I feel like if you just Tap into the fact that it's still there, even if it's being covered up right now by emotions that don't feel good, then you'll come from a more loving place, even in the hard times.

John [00:18:24]: I agree.

Nicole [00:18:25]: All right, number five, happy couples always feel in love. That kind of goes a little bit with that one. It's like, yeah, I feel like at the core you should always feel in love. Like, yeah. And I think people think this is a myth because I think it goes back to two being like, oh, like we're always happy and like romantic and lovey dovey. Like, maybe that's what they mean, always in love. But I do think, like, you should, at your core, always be in love. Like I said, there should be that moment when you're looking at your partner and even if you're really upset and they hurt you or whatever, you're like, I love this person and you know, I want to fix this. And even if you're resisting it, that you have that still inside of you. I don't know how to really describe it, but it's like that should be at the core of your feelings towards the person that you're talking to. Even if it gets covered up, like I said, by some of the other things, you should still have that core because it helps keep you connected in those hard moments. And that's the key is staying connected, even if you are upset with one another or hurt by one another, is to keep that connection and remember the love, like you said, because it's still there.

John [00:19:44]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:19:45]: You just got to dig to find it and then come from a place of connection and love, even in those hard moments, which is really hard. Again, like. Yeah, like I talked about, the hard part is doing things like that and, you know, not allowing ourselves to fall into the same patterns or allow our emotions to just steamroll everything and act however we want and then act like it was no big deal.

John [00:20:11]: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's like, you should always be in love. Like, to keep that. It's like what we call the honeymoon phase. Like, you. Yeah. You should always be in the honeymoon phase. That it's a problem if you're not.

Nicole [00:20:25]: Yeah.

John [00:20:25]: Because that indicates that there's bitterness. There's. That's built up over time and that needs to be resolved because otherwise why wouldn't you be? It's not. There's no reason why you wouldn't be holding hands and acting like people who are in love. Like, if you're not acting like people in love. Yeah. That's a problem.

Nicole [00:20:46]: So this one, I would say we didn't bust because it's.

John [00:20:49]: There's truth to it.

Nicole [00:20:50]: It is truth in that one.

John [00:20:51]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:20:52]: Okay, next, number six is sex should always be spontaneous and amazing.

John [00:20:58]: I mean. Next. I agree. No, I mean it.

Nicole [00:21:12]: Like, you should be invested in it.

John [00:21:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:15]: Every time that it happens.

John [00:21:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:21:18]: Like, you should.

John [00:21:19]: The spontaneous part, I think, is the myth part, because that's it. That's the thing. That is the myth part, because you can plan it. You can plan, like. And you. And if you have kids and, like, you're going to have to. You have schedules.

Nicole [00:21:35]: Yeah.

John [00:21:35]: Like, you can't just have things be spontaneous all the time because you also have to get stuff done and you have to, like, you have to.

Nicole [00:21:42]: Yeah.

John [00:21:43]: Like, you know, like, spontaneity, I think is good. I think you should add some spontaneity if you're not having spontaneity. But. But, yeah. It can be amazing all the time, too, though. That's like. If you put the devotion and practice into it.

Nicole [00:21:59]: Yeah.

John [00:22:00]: And take the time well.

Nicole [00:22:01]: And the intimacy and the connection, then.

John [00:22:03]: It can be amazing all the time.

Nicole [00:22:05]: Right. If you view it as, like, a chore or, like, I have to do this or whatever, then. And even women who are like, I don't really feel like it. It's. I think in the Laura Doyle book.

John [00:22:18]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:19]: I don't know if she's mentioned it or not.

John [00:22:21]: She mentioned something about. Yeah, for sure.

Nicole [00:22:23]: I mean, I think she said to just do it, but I think kind of like what we've been talking about in our own lives is you have to tell yourself a different story.

John [00:22:30]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:22:31]: Like, if you're like, I don't want to do this, like, whatever. If you have a legitimate, like, you don't feel well or something that's different. But if you're just, like, not feeling in the mood or something, like, tell yourself a different story about the situation. And, like, maybe it hasn't been a while or, like, you know, maybe your just negativity is, like, bringing you down. And if you think positively and you get excited about doing it, then your mind will follow suit. So it's like, if you're feeling like that, you can get yourself out of that as well, too, because really, your husband or your partner is not going to be able to get you out of that negative funk, no matter what they do. If you're focused on that and you're committed to being in that. So you can make it a lot more enjoyable experience if you get Yourself in the right mindset, and then it'll be better than you ever thought it was, and then you're not viewing it that way. And then you can learn to condition yourself to think like that. Not only in those instances where maybe you're not feeling it, but in life in general. And things will get better as well.

John [00:23:41]: Yeah. And a lot of times, women's desire is a responsive desire. So if a woman might not be feeling it, if she's receptive, then she may get into the mood from a responsive desire. Right. So, yeah. So, but I mean, yeah, you just have to have the right mindset about it. But also, like, you've got to actually put in the work to learn how to make things amazing every time. Like, you can. Yeah, it can be done for sure. Right. So it's like. And a lot of it falls on the part of the guy.

Nicole [00:24:17]: It does.

John [00:24:18]: To figure out how to do things in the right way in order to. And to take things slow. Right. Because also, a woman's engine takes longer to warm up than the guy's engine. And so if you understand that as a man, you can make it amazing every time.

Nicole [00:24:40]: Yeah.

John [00:24:40]: So there we go.

Nicole [00:24:41]: Can testify. All right, number seven. Once passion fades, the relationship is over. That's not true. Because you can get it back. I feel like you can get it back. Like, if you feel like it's fading, maybe it's like a weird time right now. Like, maybe someone or both people are in a weird phase of their life, or they're really stressed out or they're depressed or those things like that. And a lot of times that can make the passion feel like it's not there, but that doesn't mean that it can't come back. And sometimes, too, maybe you're like, you need some spontaneity in the sense of, like, you need to switch it up. Like, try something new or, you know, go on a vacation and have fun. You know, like something to ignite that spark back. Because I don't feel like if it fades, it's totally gone. I feel like when people give up on it, then it. Then the relationship is over. If they've given up and they don't want to work on it. But that's the only time.

John [00:25:47]: Well, I interpret it a little bit differently on what's being said. Like, when passion fades, a relationship's done in the sense that if you're saying that you can have a relationship without passion, and that's how, like, I think that some people might say, okay, well, you're Gonna have a honeymoon phase, and then the passion's gonna fade. And then is the relationship done or not?

Nicole [00:26:13]: They think the passion fades after the honeymoon phase.

John [00:26:16]: Oh, yeah. That's what a majority.

Nicole [00:26:17]: Then why do they get married? Because if that's what they think that it's. The relationship's over after passion fades.

John [00:26:23]: Because then you just go to regular life and you just, like, you know, you just exist. Yeah. You love each other, but you don't have passion. That's what majority of people. I think.

Nicole [00:26:35]: So your friends. Like, you love your friends, but you're not passionately trying to hook up with them.

John [00:26:41]: Something like that. But. But that's what most people think happens. I mean, that's what most psychologists say happens in relationship. Right. So, you know. But I disagree. I don't think it has to be the case, like we've talked about on this podcast, is that you can stay in the honeymoon phase forever. It's a matter of getting rid of that tartar that builds up. Not allowing the tartar to build up. Brushing the relationship teeth, flossing them every night. Yeah. So that you're resolving conflict to the fullest extent so that it does not build up and does not build up resentment. Because that's what destroys the relationship, what destroys the passion. Because then you start to. You replace passion with resentment, and then that's the. So. So in a way, it's true in the sense that, like, if you allow the passion to completely fade because you're not maintaining the passion, then the relationship will die. You're right. That you can bring it back. Yes. So, yeah, that's what I would say.

Nicole [00:27:38]: Yeah. So I would say that it's not over unless people give up.

John [00:27:42]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:27:44]: All right. Number eight. We should want the same things all the time.

John [00:27:48]: Of course.

Nicole [00:27:50]: You think that's true.

John [00:27:51]: Taco Bell all the time. No, I don't think that's. That's. That's true. Because, you know, it's like you're gonna have things that you're gonna want to do, and I'm gonna have. Like, if. If I was, like, dragged you running every time I want to go running, you wouldn't really enjoy that. Like, and then there's things that you want to do that I. Not necessarily would enjoy, but then there's things we enjoy together.

Nicole [00:28:15]: Yeah.

John [00:28:15]: You know, video games.

Nicole [00:28:16]: I agree. You shouldn't want to want all the same things, but you should want all the same things in the core category, like if you want kids and someone doesn't. Bad mixture it.

John [00:28:28]: Yeah, But. But I think that you can still work that out. I think that, I think it leads.

Nicole [00:28:34]: To a lot of resentment, though.

John [00:28:36]: I feel like you can work it out, meaning that you're going to have kids. You can't deprive someone advocate. Like, you can work it out where the other person can, can be okay with having kids, but what if that.

Nicole [00:28:50]: Person really doesn't want to have kids? Like, that's what I'm saying. Like, if one person's very passionate that they want kids and one isn't, then it's like, that's. You have to want the same things on, like the core.

John [00:29:02]: Yeah, but, but, but it can be negotiated in the sense that, like, just because you start in one position does not mean that, you know, it's just like we were just talking about the other night about like even like a political thing. It's like, that's not a, it's not an immediate disqualification. It's like you can come to agreements, conclusions. Like.

Nicole [00:29:23]: Yeah, I think if you have a decision, but I think, like bringing a life into this world, like, I think that it should be wanted by both people.

John [00:29:34]: But you don't know right away. It's like.

Nicole [00:29:39]: Like you don't know until you're in the situation, until you're in.

John [00:29:42]: The relationship enough to know, do you want to have kids with this person? Because.

Nicole [00:29:46]: But what if it doesn't change?

John [00:29:47]: Because it's not just like, do you want to have kids? It's like, do you want to have kids with this person? That's what. Right. If you feel like you. Well, you always say the Tesla's like, if you had a kid and they were just like this person. Right. Would you, you know, would you be happy? If not, then you shouldn't be with that person. So.

Nicole [00:30:05]: Yeah.

John [00:30:06]: So it's kind of a very similar thing in the sense that I think when you're with someone, the right person, you might feel like, oh, yeah, I do want to have kids with this person, but it's not like I want to have kids or not, you know?

Nicole [00:30:21]: Yeah, but I feel like some people are very like, no. And I feel like it's dangerous if you're very. Yes. To try to, like, pursue that person if there's still continued to be. No. Like, I know on our first date, like, honestly, this was a thing for me that I wanted someone that wanted the same things.

John [00:30:39]: Yes. Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:41]: And it did change because it's like you did give me a kid, just in a different way than I thought.

John [00:30:47]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:30:48]: But I would go on dates and I would say, do you want kids? And if they said no, I'd be like, okay, well, this isn't going to work out because, like, I'm not going to. I also don't want to, like, wait and see if you're going to change your mind. What if it doesn't change? And then like, now we've been dating for two years and, like, you know what I mean?

John [00:31:10]: I have a little bit of a different view, I think, which would be that most things in our lives, Right. I know a lot of people would disagree with this, but most things in our lives, we don't really decide ahead of time. You know, like, it's not like, okay, well, I'm absolutely going to be an astronaut. You know, like, yeah, some people decide that, whatever. But it's sort of like, you see what happens, and then that opens up doors, or it doesn't open up doors. But for some reason on the kids thing, a lot of people are very predetermined. I'm going to have kids. I'm not going to have kids. It's almost like, yeah, maybe you have a preference, but I don't think you should make a definitive, I'm going to have kids in this life or I'm not going to have kids. I don't want to have kids. Because when you create such a definitive statement about what your life is going to be, you may be shutting doors or opportunities that you kind of have to feel it out and see, like, okay, maybe you get into a relationship and then you both decide that you want to have kids together. But if you have pre decided ahead of time or they have pre decided against it ahead of time, you've created an unnecessary conflict. You're not creating opportunity where there could be an opportunity.

Nicole [00:32:22]: I hear what you're saying, and I agree with what you're saying, But I also think that you're a man and it's different for women. Like, a lot of women do decide that they want kids or they don't, and it's because we're the ones that bring them into the world. We want to be mothers. We have that nurturing part of ourselves that is what the true feminine core is.

John [00:32:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:32:46]: And so I do feel like it is different. Like what you're saying makes sense. And I agree with you because I wanted kids and then I met you and you already had a daughter.

John [00:32:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:32:57]: And so now I feel like that part of me has been filled, even though I haven't birthed the child personally.

John [00:33:03]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:04]: So I get that you do need to be open to potentially your idea of what you have in your mind changing because you can still get what you want. It just might look differently.

John [00:33:13]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:13]: But I do feel like women do either know that they want kids or they don't. And if they're on the fence, then I feel like they are usually open and depend on the person.

John [00:33:25]: Right.

Nicole [00:33:25]: But I feel like if you're someone from a very young age that was like, I want to have kids and, you know, do finger paints with them when they grow up and do all these things, like, they're pretty set on wanting to have that experience and nurture, but the child. But some women are like, no, I don't want to have kids. And it's for one reason or another. Maybe they don't want to pass down things that they think they're going to pass down to their kid or whatever the reason might be.

John [00:33:53]: But let me give you a counter argument to that. So this is the counter argument. Suppose that as a young girl, you decide, I want to have kids, I want to finger paint with my kids, whatever, and you base your life on this. And then it doesn't happen for one of many reasons. One, you don't end up getting married, you don't find the right person. You have an infertility issue. Right. Like, it's not a good idea to make such a set decision in your life. Like a preference to be like, yeah, I think I would like to have kids someday. I'd be open to having kids someday. But if you make a very definitive thing about anything in your life, they're like, it must happen this way. Then you can also make wrong decisions, have kids with the wrong person. You know, you can be like, my life is ruined because I wasn't able to fulfill my purpose in life of having kids. Or, you know, so that would be my counterargument. Like, I get what you're saying, but I would also say that at the same time it's, you know, it might be more healthy to not have such a definitive, like, I have to do this. Because if you're unable to do that for some reason, that could be outside of your control because a lot of this is outside your control. And then.

Nicole [00:35:00]: But what about society telling you to reproduce? Because that's another thing as well too. And as women, we have this like, biological thing going on that that's what we're meant to do, you know, which I feel like, whether you have kids or not, that, well, I'm sure people have. Women have some sort of grief over, like, not doing the thing that your body was built to do.

John [00:35:23]: And this is what I tell guys all the time. I'm like, it doesn't matter what a woman says, okay? If you get into a relationship with a woman, assume that she's going to want to have kids at some point. And if you're not okay with that, then don't get into a relationship with her. Not a long term committed relationship, because that's most likely going to be the case. And so as a man, you need to figure out how you can be okay with that. Right. If you want to have a long term relationship. Because even a woman that says, I don't ever want to have kids, if you have a really good intimate relationship with her, and she's gonna want to. And the time version. Exactly. And then the biological clock starts ticking. Because it might not be ticking at 22, but at 28, 29, 30 starts to tick. Then even if she said she didn't want to have kids, she's gonna start to say, most likely that she does. And so you already have to be prepared of this. So, I mean, so ultimately, like, it should just be the default. Should be, yes, you are going to have kids. Right. Unless you're. Because you can't even, as a guy, like, you can't even pre negotiate that. Because like I said, if a woman says that she doesn't have kids, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to have kids. If a guy says he doesn't want to have kids, it's more likely that he means that, but he could be convinced otherwise, like someone else I know.

Nicole [00:36:41]: Okay, so you shouldn't want the same things all the time.

John [00:36:44]: Well, because even when I, When I met. When I met you, I. Before I met you. Well, yeah, because before I met you, I was like, okay, well, I mean, I had my daughter and I would never want to have kids again. Like, that's enough. I don't want to.

Nicole [00:37:00]: One and done.

John [00:37:00]: Yeah, that's it. But when I met you, I honestly felt like, oh, yeah, if Nicole wants to have kids, I would do it for sure. Even still, if you want to, I would still.

Nicole [00:37:09]: So don't tempt me with our AI Baby. Our AI Baby's cute.

John [00:37:14]: We got way off track.

Nicole [00:37:16]: We did. Hey, that's okay. All right. Number nine. Talking more always fixes things. We know that this is in fact a myth.

John [00:37:29]: But is it, though? I mean, so we got some eight hour discussions that eventually fixed about quality.

Nicole [00:37:34]: Yeah. Not like, how long, because we've talked in circles for eight hours.

John [00:37:39]: Yeah, that's true.

Nicole [00:37:40]: But when we talk more effectively.

John [00:37:43]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:44]: It doesn't last nearly as long.

John [00:37:46]: Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's true. I think there's also, though. But you should talk it out.

Nicole [00:37:51]: Yeah. No, not however long. You shouldn't talk at all.

John [00:37:55]: It takes. Yeah.

Nicole [00:37:56]: And the more that you talk to each other just normally throughout the day and throughout your life, I feel like it makes the conversations, like, the hard conversations easier a lot of the time.

John [00:38:09]: What's the myth? What does it say?

Nicole [00:38:11]: Talking more always fixes things.

John [00:38:14]: Talking more and sleep deprivation always fixes things. Eventually, you will succumb. Right. So it's like, if you talk and talk and talk and you're not sleeping because you're still talking, eventually you're gonna, like, the ego gets demolished, and you're like, I just need to sleep. I just. I'm sorry.

Nicole [00:38:33]: That doesn't seem like it's gonna have as much benefit as if you just empathize with each other and apologize.

John [00:38:40]: Yeah, but the sleep deprivation wears you down, where you're like, all right, stop being stubborn and to yourself.

Nicole [00:38:47]: What you mean? But we've also talked during the day, and it hasn't been sleep time, and it's been hours.

John [00:38:53]: No, but. No, I agree. I mean, it's not just talking. Doesn't. Doesn't always. Sometimes actions need to happen, not just talking. Right. To fix things. Like, you need to see something. You can't just talk about.

Nicole [00:39:05]: Go by the words.

John [00:39:06]: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta bring the game.

Nicole [00:39:08]: Okay, so that one's a myth. 10. Honesty means saying whatever's on your mind. No, I think we all know that that's not the case, but you should be honest, and you should tell the truth, but you should be considerate of your partner.

John [00:39:26]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:39:27]: So, yeah.

John [00:39:28]: Not what's on your mind.

Nicole [00:39:31]: All right. 11. Marriage will fix our relationship.

John [00:39:35]: No, no, it will break your relationship if. If it's broken, it'll break it more.

Nicole [00:39:43]: I guess my thing is, like, do people genuinely believe that? Do they genuinely believe that now legally bonding yourself to somebody that you're already having problems with will fix the relationship?

John [00:39:57]: I think it could help you if it was taken more seriously than it is today in the sense that having a strong commitment, where it's like, no, you have to figure out how to work this. Just like when you have two kids that are fighting, and you're like, okay, well, you're both gonna be locked in this room until you work it out or kill each other. Right. It's like, What? You never had that happen to a kid? You never got in a fight with someone? Your parents just said, all right, you guys are.

Nicole [00:40:26]: No, we just both got in trouble, and I was so mad.

John [00:40:29]: You ever got locked in the broom closet together? No. I'm just kidding. But, you know, or. Or you, you know, handcuff two people together. Right. That's a famous. A movie plot. Right. It's like, you know, until they figure it out and they fall in love. So it's like if you're stuck and you have to work it out, you will. That's why arranged marriages work out so many times. But. But in general, I would like you. If your relationship's not good, getting married is not a good plan. Just like having kids is not a good plan.

Nicole [00:40:56]: Well, that brings us to the next one. Having a child will bring us closer.

John [00:41:02]: If not. If not getting sleep and not having sex makes you feel closer than. Yes.

Nicole [00:41:11]: I. I mean, I guess I can kind of understand this one a little bit more because they're like, oh, let's create life and be a team and work together to raise our child. But like you said it. That's like the sunshine and rainbows talking. Like, raising a kid is very hard, especially in the early years. I haven't had one personally, but I know plenty of people who've had babies.

John [00:41:34]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:41:35]: And like you said, they're getting no sleep.

John [00:41:37]: No. They're just little demons at first. You know, they got. It's like, how is that going to make your relationship better?

Nicole [00:41:43]: Like, again, I think it's because, like, the collaboration of working together to raise a human being, they think that, oh, this will, like, make us work together because we have, like, a unified front, a unified thing we're working towards. Right. But it doesn't work like that. It can definitely. Cause I feel like more issues. If you're already having issues.

John [00:42:06]: Well, you don't even have the time to sort out your issues then. So you got to get your issues sorted out because you don't even have time to have a conversation to actually get the sleep deprivation. You're getting the sleep deprivation, but you're not having the talking.

Nicole [00:42:16]: Right? Yeah.

John [00:42:17]: Because you. Because you got it. Yeah. Because you're going to be busy.

Nicole [00:42:20]: Babies need a lot. Yeah. A lot of attention.

John [00:42:22]: And a lot of times also, like, it's going to cause the separation in the relationship because many times when the baby's first born, the baby needs the mother's care, like, all the time, you know, and so if your relationship isn't very strong, you know, because it's important in the first couple years of the baby's life. Not that you shouldn't, like, not spend any time with your husband, but it's gonna be, you know, that the baby's gonna need the mom, and so she's gonna have to give a lot of her time less to the husband, more to the child during that.

Nicole [00:42:56]: Well, from, like, 0 to 4 or 5 is, like, the most formative years for development throughout the kid's whole life. Like, that's where a lot of our core beliefs and things about ourselves and the world and things like that form.

John [00:43:14]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:15]: You wouldn't think that it would be that young, but it is. So. All right, 13. If we're meant to be, we shouldn't have to try this hard. I think I also used to believe this myth.

John [00:43:31]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:31]: I used to be like, oh, what was in other relationships that were harder than this one?

John [00:43:36]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:36]: Like, I would just be like, I think that it should be easier, that we should be able to communicate, and we should be able to, like, do this better. I used to believe this myth. But I think, though, in some ways, though, that, again, it's like, being with you is not hard.

John [00:43:52]: Right.

Nicole [00:43:54]: But facing all the stuff is hard.

John [00:43:56]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:43:57]: And so. But I do think, though, in relationships, that I wasn't meant to be in the relationship. Did feel hard.

John [00:44:04]: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:44:06]: And so maybe this one's a little bit true in some ways.

John [00:44:09]: I think so. Because, I mean, look, 90, 95% of the time, me and you, we just get along perfectly well.

Nicole [00:44:17]: Yeah.

John [00:44:18]: No problem. No conflict, nothing. Right. 95% of the time. 5% of the time. Okay, but 95% of the time. And that's how it should be.

Nicole [00:44:27]: Yeah.

John [00:44:28]: And that is not something that I had ever experienced before, and it's not something that most people believe they're like. So you guys don't, like, say nasty stuff to each other every day?

Nicole [00:44:39]: Just like, every day?

John [00:44:40]: Most people do that. Most people. I mean, relationships, before you get annoyed, you get irritated, you're like, snap, snip at them or whatever. Like, it's not a big fight that you're having every day. But most people are, like, you know, exchanging some small verbal blows, you know, every day. That's. That's most people's life, really. Like, so. But. Yeah, but it doesn't have to be like that. It shouldn't be like that.

Nicole [00:45:05]: Which I think, too, that. I think maybe this came about to, like, normalize the struggles that people are going through. But like you said, they're not normal. Like, they've been normalized. Like, saying little comments to your partner every day is not normal. Right, but it's been normalized.

John [00:45:26]: It's been normalized.

Nicole [00:45:26]: And I think things like this pop up to, like, make people feel better about those things, but that they don't. It doesn't have to be like that.

John [00:45:36]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:45:37]: So this one we're saying is true.

John [00:45:39]: What. What was it again?

Nicole [00:45:40]: If we're meant to be, we shouldn't have to try this hard.

John [00:45:44]: Yeah, yeah. It's.

Nicole [00:45:45]: It's that you have to try hard working through your stuff so that you show up as a better partner, but you shouldn't have to try hard to love each other or feel like you're meant to be or feel like you're soulmates.

John [00:46:00]: Yeah, Yeah. I mean, and I think the try hard part is that you have to have a high level of standards where it's like, you're not gonna just get annoyed with your partner or insult them or whatever, because if you had the standard low, then you're gonna do that stuff. It's not a matter of whether you're meant to be or not. Like, your standard is too low for the relationship. And if that is the case, then you're not gonna want to be that way, but you're gonna be that way because you're holding yourself too much of a lower standard. Like, you do have to try in the sense that, yeah, there are going to be times that you're going to potentially get annoyed, but then you have to not act annoyed and not. Like, you have to still be patient and not take your frustrations out on your partner, even if they're not the one annoying you. Like, those are things that you have to try to do.

Nicole [00:46:55]: Yeah.

John [00:46:56]: So there's some truth to that part of it, I would say.

Nicole [00:47:00]: All right, 14. In a strong relationship, we should do everything together.

John [00:47:06]: We kind of addressed that one already. Right.

Nicole [00:47:09]: That you should do the things together, but you don't have to do everything. Like running.

John [00:47:14]: Right, Exactly.

Nicole [00:47:15]: I'm not going to run. Someday.

John [00:47:16]: Someday you'll run.

Nicole [00:47:18]: But I think, though, that, like, yes. Not literally everything, but I think that you should want to do everything together, even if you don't do them together. Like, there are times when I'm like, oh, I wish I could run with you. And I could, but I'm not going to, because I want to run with you just to be with you and.

John [00:47:41]: To experience that you can bike when.

Nicole [00:47:43]: I run, which I have done that before. But, like, the desire to not run is greater than that desire. So.

John [00:47:51]: Than the desire to be with me.

Nicole [00:47:53]: To be with you in every single instance, even in ones that I would be struggling in.

John [00:48:00]: Yeah. No, I agree with you, though. I think that makes sense. Like, that you. You would want to be together, you know?

Nicole [00:48:07]: Yeah. I think it's like if. When something happens, if you want to tell your husband, like, you can't wait to talk to your husband or your wife or whatever about it. Like, that's wanting them to be there. Like, wanting to experience all the things with them is like being excited to talk to them about it. But, like, you can't be together 24 7.

John [00:48:27]: No, it's like going on girls trips or guys trips. There's like, you're going on vacation without your partner. That's the weird thing where it's like, no, there's something wrong there. Like, why don't you want to be with your partner experiencing the things. The vacation rather than with your friends? So.

Nicole [00:48:46]: Yeah. And you can do other things with your friends.

John [00:48:48]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:48:50]: Okay, last one. Changing for your partner is always bad.

John [00:48:54]: I disagree.

Nicole [00:48:55]: Wrong.

John [00:48:57]: This is actually maybe the best myth on here is because people say this all the time. They're like, you shouldn't have to change.

Nicole [00:49:03]: Yeah. They're like, don't change me. Or like, you should love me for who I am.

John [00:49:07]: But it's true that you shouldn't try to change your partner. But again, you as a person should change for your partner.

Nicole [00:49:14]: Right.

John [00:49:14]: And there's nothing wrong with that. Because a lot of people are like, oh, well, I shouldn't have to change who I am. No, you should.

Nicole [00:49:20]: You should want to.

John [00:49:21]: Yeah. That's the point of being on this planet is to change who you are.

Nicole [00:49:24]: Right.

John [00:49:25]: Like, maybe not at your core. Core. Right. You shouldn't like, you know, but. But even people like, well, I shouldn't try to like something that I don't like. Yeah, you. You should. That. It's like when you were three years old and you didn't like, was that.

Nicole [00:49:37]: Like, a little hint at running? You're like, you should like something you don't like, come running with me.

John [00:49:43]: That's how I got into running. But. But when you're three years old, you didn't like broccoli. Like, if you just never. If you're like, oh, I'm not going to change what I like.

Nicole [00:49:51]: Yeah, you've beaten chicken nuggets.

John [00:49:52]: That's. It would just be chicken. So. So it is. It is true that you should change for your partner, Especially if things that you're doing are harming your partner or they are. You could be a better partner for them by changing in certain ways. It doesn't mean that you have to completely change yourself in order to make them happy and you miserable.

Nicole [00:50:10]: Right.

John [00:50:11]: That's not what we're saying.

Nicole [00:50:12]: I don't even think you change yourself. I think you change the way that you operate and you get rid of the patterns and the cycles that you've been in. But I don't think it changes who you are.

John [00:50:24]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:25]: Like, I think you change by unlearning unhelpful and unhealthy habits that you've picked up, that we've all picked up, or survival mechanisms or, you know, like I said, the trauma like, that you've been through, like, that you've been holding on to. I think you change those things. You change how you operate around those things. You let those things go.

John [00:50:49]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:50:49]: Or you make new habits, which is hard to do. But I don't think you change who you are.

John [00:50:55]: Not at the core.

Nicole [00:50:56]: Yeah, but a lot of people identify those things as who they are.

John [00:50:59]: Right, Exactly.

Nicole [00:51:00]: You can't identify those things as who you are. Like, that's not at the core of who you are. Those are just experiences that you're attaching your self to. Yeah, but you can change those things without feeling like you're changing yourself.

John [00:51:15]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:15]: But if you identify with those as yourself, then it does feel like you're changing you. And a lot of people hold on to fear and those experiences so that they can use them in some other way.

John [00:51:27]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:51:27]: To defend themselves. I mean, we'll get into like the end segment here as well, because it kind of ties in with this. But, you know, I think that that is also what people should focus on. Focus on is you're not changing who you are.

John [00:51:42]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:42]: Like, you're not, you know, completely redoing who you are at your core.

John [00:51:48]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:48]: You're changing the way that you operate based on your past that you're bringing to your present and your future that aren't serving you.

John [00:51:56]: Right.

Nicole [00:51:57]: And they're not serving your relationship and they won't serve you because you're at a different stage. Stage. Like you said, like, if we never changed, we would be eating mushed peas and I don't know, like, who knows what else. But like, change is the only constant in life. And it's true. But a lot of adults resist it.

John [00:52:19]: Right.

Nicole [00:52:20]: Thinking that that is beneficial to them or.

John [00:52:24]: Or they can't be loved if you don't love me exactly how I am.

Nicole [00:52:29]: But that's also like a fear thing too. You know what I mean? Like, it's also this. Like, you have to prove to me, Right. That you love me by me acting in a way that is hurting you, but you still have to love me anyway.

John [00:52:44]: Which it's like, yes and no.

Nicole [00:52:46]: Right. Like, which that happens, but it doesn't happen naturally when you're told to do it. It doesn't happen the way that you want it to when you're forcing somebody to prove to you that they love you by you acting in a way that you know is not beneficial to you or them.

John [00:53:02]: Right, exactly. Because, yes, you may be forcing them to prove that they love you, but you're at the same time proving that you don't love them. Right. Because you're not willing to do anything to make them happy.

Nicole [00:53:15]: Right.

John [00:53:15]: But you want them to do everything to make you happy. They want you to notice. Do they want you want them to make you happy by you not having to do anything?

Nicole [00:53:23]: Right.

John [00:53:23]: Right. It's like, yeah, you should love unconditionally. You shouldn't try to change your partner, but you as a partner should want to change yourself continually to become better.

Nicole [00:53:34]: To be the best version.

John [00:53:35]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nicole [00:53:36]: Well, that's. That was the last one.

John [00:53:38]: Yeah. The other way I think about it too real quick is like, it's like if you're married, that's the. Like, you have to think in a less selfish way. A lot of times people think, oh, I don't want to change this. Like, well, yeah, but also, you're in a committed relationship, married, where this is the only person that your partner is going to have as a partner. So if you can't be the best one that you can be for them, then you're depriving them of the only opportunity that they have because you're asking them to forsake everyone else. So why can you not fulfill the things that they want? Why can you not try to be the thing again, not completely changing it? But it's like, because I think that myself, I'm like, okay, I'm Nicole's only husband.

Nicole [00:54:26]: That's right.

John [00:54:26]: Right. And so if she wants anything out of a husband, I have to give it to her. Right. And if I don't, then I'm doing her a great disservice by denying her that. Right. And so should I change. Should I try to do things that make it so that she feels like she's getting everything that she wanted out of a husband? Yes. Right. It makes sense. Otherwise, I feel Like, I'm depriving you of that opportunity.

Nicole [00:54:52]: No, that's a good way to look at it. And if you really care about the person that you're with, which you should, if you're married, then that's a good way to view it and view it from a different perspective, because I don't think people shift their perspective like that a lot.

John [00:55:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:55:09]: And it is a good way to look at it. Especially, like you said, like, this is the person that you chose to marry. Like, this is the only husband that you're going to have for the rest of your life, or you're the only wife you're going to have for the rest of your life.

John [00:55:22]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:55:23]: How can you be the best version of that for them? How can you make them feel loved every day and appreciated and all of those things? Because they deserve those things.

John [00:55:33]: If you have a child, if you have a little girl, would you not want that girl to someday marry a man that would fulfill all of her dreams and treat her like a princess and, like, treat her as special as she deserves to be treated?

Nicole [00:55:45]: Yeah.

John [00:55:46]: So then why would you not be that man?

Nicole [00:55:49]: Right.

John [00:55:49]: You know what I'm saying? And it goes vice versa for women as well. But, you know. But yeah, that's how I think about it.

Nicole [00:55:56]: No, that's good. I'm glad you added that at the end. All right, now time to the. For our stuff. I messed up. I was trying to talk to John about my feelings, and I didn't do it in the best way. And I tapped into my old masculine energy to try to conquer the situation, but it didn't work out very well. And you were like, just come to me for help and ask me. And I'm like, I don't know how to do that. And that's a genuine, like, thing. Like, I do know how to ask for help. But I think the biggest thing was that.

John [00:56:41]: It.

Nicole [00:56:42]: It's. You don't. As a woman, you don't want to feel weak. Like, you want to feel strong enough where, if you're on your own again, that you can handle yourself. And I know I've talked about in the past that, you know, you should have the confidence from the time in your life that you did that. But it's honestly hard to let go of sometimes. Like, I don't feel like it constantly shows up in our relationship, but it definitely did yesterday. And it is also a defense mechanism of fear of being abandoned, which a lot of people have, you know? And so instead of searching for connection from you, I hold My ground against you. And that doesn't harbor connection either. But as someone too, that didn't grow up with a lot of, like, affection in general and didn't really like affection even as an adult until you came along, it's still hard for me to like. Even though affection comes easy towards you.

John [00:57:46]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:57:47]: In the moments that I'm upset and I'm feeling hurt, it's extremely hard for me.

John [00:57:52]: Yeah. You tend to isolate. I think it's.

Nicole [00:57:54]: Yeah, I'm definitely like an isolator and avoidant, shut down, you know, type of person.

John [00:58:02]: Yeah.

Nicole [00:58:02]: So it's like you telling me to come to you and be like, I need help and cry or be like, like beg you. It pains me to even, like, think about. But you're not wrong, right?

John [00:58:16]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [00:58:17]: But it's just so different that it's very, like I said, it's very easy to get wrapped up back in the same sort of cycle that you're just been used to for your whole life. And I feel like probably a lot of women do get in the defensive mode like that because deep down we are fragile and if we feel like other people aren't going to protect that, then we feel like we have to. And a lot of times it's to our detriment when we do find a person that is there to protect it. Like, it's hard. Like, I know you and I trust you and I know you wouldn't want to hurt me, but it's like my brain is telling me, yeah, you don't know. You still don't know. And I'm like, I do know, but my brain's like, defend yourself anyway. And it's just not the right way to operate. And I'm sorry that I did that to you. And. And I am going to work on not responding in that way. And again, it's hard to break these patterns. It's hard to break patterns you've literally been doing for 30 something years.

John [00:59:27]: Yeah. But it's free.

Nicole [00:59:28]: But it's necessary and it's freeing.

John [00:59:30]: It's freeing too. You know?

Nicole [00:59:31]: It is.

John [00:59:32]: You don't have to protect yourself because you've got someone to protect you.

Nicole [00:59:39]: Yeah. Which I feel like a lot of women hearing this are probably like, no, you have to protect yourself because that's just what we've been taught too. And I get it. Because it is a better thing to teach women to protect them from guys that aren't there to actually protect them. But you do have to learn when to turn it off with the person that you trust. And that I feel like we need to teach more of, because I didn't know.

John [01:00:09]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:00:10]: Like, I feel like women do need to lay down the shields, lay down the weapons when they have a man that is there to protect them and has proven that. And, you know.

John [01:00:23]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:00:24]: It's hard to do, but it is what needs to be done.

John [01:00:27]: Yeah. Yeah. And I think it. It's. It's a matter of also, like, when you do that, then a man will step up. You know what I mean?

Nicole [01:00:42]: Yeah. Because I think women are afraid that he won't. But I think that you're right.

John [01:00:46]: I think. I'm not saying that that's always the case, but, you know, like, a good man will step up. Right. It's like, it's a. It's very hard to not respond to a woman needing help.

Nicole [01:01:02]: Yeah.

John [01:01:02]: You know, so that's the thing to remember is that it's like. But I think maybe as a man, you feel like, well, if she's defending herself, she's protecting herself, then she doesn't need my protection. You know, it's like it makes you feel useless. And, like, why am I here?

Nicole [01:01:23]: Frog. It turns you into a frog.

John [01:01:24]: It does. That's. That's what it does. But. But, yeah, but I mean, it is a hard thing. And I do appreciate you, you know, saying. Saying all of these things, and.

Nicole [01:01:34]: Well, it's true. And I think more women need to hear it, because I know I'm not the only one stuck in this cycle, you know, And I feel like maybe, too, it is a little bit more with avoidant women, because we've talked about. On here, it is more masculine to be avoidant in general. And I feel like with an anxious attachment, you would probably get the, like, oh, like, help me, I'm so sorry. Or like, you know, the clinginess that comes with the anxiousness.

John [01:02:03]: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [01:02:04]: And maybe it would feel different to you. So I'm sure that the avoidant part does feel cold and, like, very masculine. And I don't want to act that way. I don't want to be anxious.

John [01:02:17]: No.

Nicole [01:02:17]: And causes me to live in, like, an anxious state. But I understand that, like, I can't. Like you said, I can't expect connection and do the opposite. You know, it kind of falls into, like, I'm definitely not the person that's, like, love me for who I am. You do all those things. But in that instance, it was similar to that. Like, I was expecting you to comfort me, and I wasn't giving you any comfort or Things like that either.

John [01:02:44]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:02:44]: And I thought that, like, you had said, like, I was talking to you calmly and I was talking to you rationally, and I wasn't calling you names. I wasn't yelling at you. But that's not really comforting. Someone that's not really connecting with them.

John [01:02:57]: Or seeking comfort is really the thing. It's like. Right. You know, it's like. Like being stoic as a. As a woman, it's not really impressive to a man. Like, it's better than screaming profanities. But being. What's the word I'm saying? Like, vulnerable. Like, in the sense of, like, coming to, like. Like letting down the guard. Right. Like, being, like. There's some other word I want to say is like, willing to be. Like cry and be. To. Willing to show weakness. Like, to be, like, weak in the presence of a man, of your man. That is impressive to a man that.

Nicole [01:03:46]: Yeah, it's just hard when you've never done that. It's hard when, like, you've never, ever done that because you don't feel like anyone's ever properly cared for or protected that before. And I know that you can do it, but it's like having to convince your body that this one person won't let you down if you do this is incredibly hard. It doesn't mean it's not necessary. It is necessary, but that's what the struggle is, because we've been on here talking about other things that I've never learned because I've never been in those situations. But you do have to learn. I posted something not that long ago that being in a good relationship is like, one of the greatest teachers or something along those lines. And it's true, because you face all these things that on your own, they don't pop up. Like when I lived by myself, if I was upset and I just sat with myself, I'm having a great time.

John [01:04:49]: Exactly.

Nicole [01:04:49]: Yeah. Like, you know, so it's necessary. It's hard doing the work on yourself to be a better version, but it is worth it. You're right.

John [01:05:01]: Yeah.

Nicole [01:05:03]: I'm sorry I turned you into a frog and I love you.

John [01:05:06]: A bullfrog.

Nicole [01:05:08]: Bullfrog mindset.

John [01:05:11]: All right, well, that's it for this episode, then. Check us out on our website, betterthanperfectpod.com Click the Subscribe button on there and you can get an email when a new episode comes out. And I don't know, I think you can comment on the episodes, too. How about that? That's fun.

Nicole [01:05:29]: And leave a review. It's been a while.

John [01:05:32]: And we'll see you next week. Take care. Through every fault we find our way.

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